A/N - a bazillion apologies for the delay. As many of you know, work has been hectic and this story has lagged. I will hopefully be back to a regular posting schedule over the next few weeks. I do promise not to abandon you! xoxo - tmtcltb
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Chapter 17 - New Beginnings
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Kara exited the back of the house, having learned her lesson about hidden cameras when the paper was delivered the day after the news broke. Once again she was on the front page, this time standing in the doorway of her house, hair in complete disarray and wearing only Danny's t-shirt, phone tucked between her shoulder and ear and newspaper in one hand. The photographer had managed to angle the shot to include Danny's pick-up, leaving little question of who Kara was entertaining on a Sunday morning. In the two weeks since, the press had been relentless and Kara was starting to regret her decision to brazen through this.
Not that it really mattered what either Kara or Danny wanted.
As Kara had predicted, a number of people had come out of the woodwork to confirm Danny and Kara's prior relationship including, unfortunately, her most recent ex-boyfriend. Kara wasn't really surprised that Stephan had taken advantage of the opportunity to promote his current campaign, but she could have done without the digs he made regarding her guarded nature and inability to commit, which Stephan claimed had doomed their relationship from the start. At least the latter backfired on him after a prominent talk show host held a segment in which several psychiatrists discussed the lingering impact of the Red Flu on survivor's psyche and noted that, especially in combination with her miscarriage, Kara was likely to be very cautious about a new relationship and would require an understanding and supportive partner. Kara had been tempted to record the segment and email it to Stephan, but decided it was too petty.
So Alisha and Val had done it instead, albeit from a - Kara hoped anyway - untraceable account.
At the corner, Kara paused for two minutes in an attempt to smoke out anyone who might be tailing her. When nobody appeared, she relaxed slightly, continuing along the palm lined streets. Rick had offered to stand guard and escort Kara around town but, although she appreciated the gesture, the last thing Kara needed right now was Rick following her around like a sad puppy. He had been practically apoplectic when the news first broke, his guilt over spilling the beans so extreme that Slattery finally sent Jeter over to calm him down. That resulted in long, rambling apologies to both Danny and Kara, followed by an invitation to get together for dinner to talk and smooth things over.
Cumulating in a photograph of Kara, Danny, Courtney, Rick, Andrea and Tex eating in the private dining room at La Top appearing in the Saturday edition of the newspaper. Kara didn't want to know what Bacon's reaction to seeing the photograph had been. While the man had a reputation as a fair and easy-going boss, Kara had seen Bacon's other side on the Nathan James and she would not want to be the employee who betrayed his confidence.
Kara turned down the street where Debbie and Peter lived in a small bungalow, pausing again to make sure that she was not being followed. Between ducking the press, dealing with Rick, coordinating with Val and Alisha on a public response to the unending request for comment, getting her actual work done, and attempting to eat and sleep, Kara hadn't gotten around to seeing Debbie. They had texted, of course, and even spoken on the phone once or twice, but each time Debbie offered to come see Kara, Kara declined. Something that apparently Debbie was taking as a personal snub, if Peter's request this morning that Kara please stop by was any indication.
Knowing that she had put this off too long already, Kara gave a perfunctory knock on the door before letting herself in. The house was dark and quiet and, for a moment, Kara thought that Debbie might not be home.
"Mom?"
"Kara?" Debbie appeared around a corner looking, well, terrible. No makeup, her hair straggling around her shoulders, her eyes red and puffy. She looked ten years older than the last time Kara saw her.
Kara's eyes narrowed. "Have you been drinking?"
At first Kara thought that Debbie was going to break into tears. Then, she straightened, arms folded across her chest, gaze steady. "Not a drop."
Immediately feeling guilty for jumping to the wrong conclusion, Kara shifted uncomfortably, realizing that the only other explanation for Debbie's ghastly appearance was Kara herself. She forced herself to break the silence. "You have any coffee?"
"Sure."
As she followed Debbie down the hall, Kara decided that there was no point delaying the inevitable. "I suppose that the press has been hounding you."
Debbie shrugged as she filled the coffee maker. "They always do. Val put some kind of screen on my cell so it only rings for people that I know or Naval Command. Apparently the price I pay for having a hero for a daughter."
The small joke fell flat and Kara fiddled with the mail that was scattered across the kitchen table. Wishing that she knew how to talk to her mother without falling back into old habits. Without Debbie yelling or Kara storming off, both ignoring the entire incident the next time that they saw each other. But she didn't - she never had - so instead she fell back on another tried and true.
An apology.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about the miscarriage," Kara began. "I planned to, back in St. Louis. But there was so much going on and I..." Kara stopped abruptly, realizing that she couldn't say the next words out-loud.
I was scared of what you would say if I told you.
Scared that Debbie would tell Kara that losing the baby was for the best. Remind Kara about the struggle of being a single mother. Quote some statistic about the cost of raising a child. Launch into her favorite tirade about shiftless men.
Debbie froze, hand halfway to the coffee mugs. Then she turned, eyes fierce. "No, Kara. You don't have any reason to be sorry. You went through something horrible. You were hurting and you handled it the only way that you knew how - you took care of yourself. I'm the one who is sorry. Sorry that I wasn't there for you. Sorry that I was never the mother you needed me to be."
"That's not true, Mom," Kara protested. "You did your best. I know that."
"No, I didn't." Kara opened her mouth but Debbie held up a hand. "Yes, I got dealt a tough hand when your father died. But I wasn't the only one who lost someone when Dale died. You lost your father, Kara, and you needed a mother who was an actual parent, not a drunk who barely managed to keep a roof over our heads. Dad warned me, but I didn't listen."
"Papa Paul?" Kara asked, startled by the mention of her grandfather. Like Kara's dad, Debbie rarely mentioned her own father, and Kara learned long ago not to ask.
Debbie smiled sadly. "Dad loved you more than anything. He used to tell me that your children are the one thing in life that you will never regret."
Kara wondered if Niels Sorenson's parents would disagree, but decided that point wasn't relevant to the conversation. "I wish I could remember him better."
"Dad told me that I would regret the drinking the way he regretted working so much when I was a kid. Said that we never formed the same bond that I had with Mom. And if I missed my chance with you, I might never get another one. He was right, Kara. I let you down for years. What right do I have now to be part of your life?"
"Mom..." Kara stopped, having no idea what to say. "That was a long time ago. I don't think about those days very much anymore. And it has nothing to do with what happened five years ago."
A white lie, but Debbie didn't need to know how much her own childhood had been on Kara's mind recently. A picture of Stella as she skipped ahead of Kara popped into Kara's mind, and she tried to imagine leaving the child alone at home while heading out to a bar. Or letting a strange man spend the night at the house for Delilah to run into in the bathroom the next morning. Or dropping the girls off at Bacon's restaurant to beg for dinner when there was nothing to eat at the house.
Kara stopped herself, appalled by the direction of her thoughts. No matter what Kara's childhood had been like, she had never doubted that she was loved.
And wasn't that what was important?
Debbie's situation was different. She had lacked the resources that Kara would have, even if Danny disappeared tomorrow. Resources that would make sure that neither Kara or her children would ever be in any of those situations. A stable job, money in the bank, people to step in during a jam. But...
Hadn't Debbie had those things too?
Why leave Kara home alone instead of taking her to Papa's house or Jennifer's house? Why let men spend the night knowing that Kara would be awake far earlier than Debbie? Why send Kara inside the diner to ask for food instead of going herself?
How many of Debbie's decisions were driven by necessity and how many by choice?
Debbie seemed to have read Kara's mind. "I'm your mother, Kara. Do you think that I don't see how guarded you are around me? How careful you are about what you say and do? I know that you don't trust me. After what I put you through, well, I haven't earned your trust. But that doesn't mean I don't see how much you've been hurting all of these years. And I regret, more than anything, that I couldn't be there to help you."
"I didn't tell anyone, Mom. I couldn't talk to anyone, even Danny. It hurt too much." Kara swallowed, tears building in her eyes. "Knowing that I killed my own baby."
"Oh honey!" Debbie wrapped her arms around Kara, rocking her back and forth as if she were a little girl. "Is that what you think? Because it's not true. You didn't kill your baby. The damn virus did that. Just like it killed millions of other babies. And I don't believe for an instant that Danny thinks any different."
"He doesn't," Kara admitted, leaning into Debbie, soaking up her mother's solid presence in a way that she hadn't since she was a small child. "But it was my fault. I should have known that I was pregnant. I should have..."
"Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, Kara," Debbie interrupted. "Twenty percent. There's no way to know if the Red Flu had anything to do with what happened. And nobody with even a shred of intelligence could think otherwise."
Despite the fact that she wasn't a big believer in coincidence, and a natural miscarriage while sick from the Red Flu pushed the idea of a coincidence past the point of reason, Kara found herself smiling at Debbie's impassioned argument.
"Clearly you don't read the newspaper. I definitely recall a few people questioning my intelligence for volunteering for an experimental virus while pregnant," she replied, realizing only after she spoke that Debbie did, in fact, read the newspaper. Which is why they were having this discussion in the first place. Kara paused, taking a deep breath and stepping away from Debbie, deciding that she owed her mother the remainder of the story. "Rick was the leak. We were all out together a couple of weeks ago, drinking and reminiscing, and he said something to O'Connor. Nobody realized that there was a reporter there that night or we would have been more on guard. He feels terrible. That's why we all went out the other night. Smoothing things over with him and Courtney."
"Isn't Courtney's pregnant?" Debbie asked, waiting for Kara to nod in confirmation. Apparently satisfied, Debbie poured two cups of coffee and setting them on the table. "I can see how the topic would come up."
Kara picked up her coffee, relieved that Debbie didn't seem upset with Rick. After spending the last two weeks calming Rick down, the last thing she needed was Debbie getting him spun up again. She took a deep breath, looking at her mother. "You're right that there were some bad times when I was a kid. But there were some good times too. I'd like to have more of the good times."
Debbie's eyes grew teary and she reached out to touch Kara's hand. "I'd like that too."
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"This is ridiculous," Kara snapped, peeking out the curtain at the man perched in a tree across the street, camera around his neck. "He's been here for hours. I'm starting to understand why Tex wanted to shoot them."
"It's not like you wanted to go wedding dress shopping today anyway," Alisha replied, handing Kara a bowl of fudge ripple ice cream before sitting down at the kitchen table. "As I recall, you only agreed after I threatened to replace you as my maid of honor."
Kara snorted. "Like that was actually going to happen. Who would you replace me with? Carlton? Good luck with that."
"So what does the newest article say?" Alisha asked, taking a spoonful of ice cream.
Opening her laptop, Kara spun it so that her friend could see. "Now they're speculating that we've really been seeing each other the entire five years. They've got a picture of Laura ducking behind a door and claim to have sources that confirm she's humiliated over Danny and my long-term affair."
"Did Lauran respond?" Alisha asked, sounding more curious than annoyed.
"Val helped her write a statement about how she was aware of Danny and my prior relationship," Kara explained. She sighed as she clicked on the next article, one entitled Captain Kara Foster: Heroine or Home-Wrecker? "Not that it seems to have helped."
Alisha leaned over to pat Kara's knee. "Trust Val. She knows what she is doing on this one. And it's working. You've moved from the Times to the Enquirer. Nobody takes the Enquirer seriously."
"Nobody except Debbie," Kara muttered through a mouthful of fudge ripple.
"Is she still on the warpath?" Alisha asked sympathetically.
"Yes. She doesn't seem to realize that talking to reporters only makes it worse." Kara sighed. Her conversation with her mother last weekend had been cathartic and, for the first time in years, Kara felt like there might be a chance for the two of them to move on from old patterns and truly connect. However, with Debbie no longer wallowing in depression, she had decided to take a different approach with the press. One that was driving Kara insane. "She thinks that she is correcting errors in the articles but really she's just giving them more information to work with."
Alisha gave her a sympathetic glance. "Oh! We found out who took the photos at the memorial."
Kara ate another spoonful of ice cream. "How did Val manage that?"
Slattery had been incensed by the photograph, which he deemed a flagrant breach of privacy and human decency. Kara suspected that at least some of his reaction was personal. A reaction to the realization that there might be pictures of him from one of the worst days of his life, as he mourned the death of his son and possibly his entire family, not yet knowing that his wife and daughters had survived.
"Actually it was Barnes," Alisha replied. "He remembered the names of a few people who were in St. Louis back then and called around. Apparently it was easy enough to get the guy talking about the biggest score of his career. Slattery confiscated the photographs yesterday."
"How bad were they?" Kara asked, making a mental note to send Barnes a thank you. Not that it would be enough. Barnes did nothing out of the goodness of his heart.
Alisha ate some ice cream. "They weren't. Honestly, there's a reason they were never released before. Mostly us standing around. A few people hugging. In one of them Slattery has his hand on the memorial wreath. The guy, his name was Sherman, only pulled them out after he saw the photos of you and Danny from Brazil. But even then he had no idea what he had. Apparently a guy hugging a girl at a funeral isn't typically newsworthy."
"Unless she's part of a Russian conspiracy to plant an agent on the Nathan James to steal the cure," Kara muttered, referencing one of the most recent "news" articles.
Alisha made a face. "That one hit a little too close to home for the Admiral. What with Doctor Tophet and all."
Kara actually hadn't thought about the parallels to Quincy, too irritated at being reduced to femme fatale placed on the Nathan James with the sole purpose of seducing the head of Doctor Scott's security team and stealing the primordial strain. "Nobody knows what happened. Well, nobody except the crew and Kelly. And there's no way she is going to say anything and tarnish Doctor Tophet's memory."
Officially, Quincy was a hero. Doctor Scott's right hand man and half of the duo who developed the cure for the Red Flu. A man who sacrificed himself in Baltimore to prevent the primordial strain from falling into the wrong hands. All true, of course. It just conveniently left out a few details - like Quincy trying to steal the primordial strain and give it to the Russians in exchange for his wife and daughter.
Kara ate some more ice cream, enjoying the way the fudge melted on her tongue. Funny how straight-forward the decisions had seemed back then.
Escape the Russians. Test the vaccine. Find a cure. Save the world.
But since then, the world had gotten messy again. So many of their choices scrutinized and questioned.
The back door swung open and Kara heard the sound of bags being dropped in the hallway, followed by Danny's voice. "I'm home."
Alisha raised an eyebrow. "Did you forget to tell me something?"
"He's been staying here since the news broke. Because of the reporters." Kara kept her gaze on her bowl to avoid seeing the grin that she knew Alisha was wearing.
"Oh, reporters. Yup. Got it."
Thankfully Alisha said nothing more as Danny appeared in the doorway, leaning down to give Kara a kiss and then nodding to Alisha. "Hey Granderson. The leak about Miller and Courtney having a girl was nicely done. It actually bumped us off the front page."
"It was Master Chief Jeter's idea, actually," Alisha replied. "He thought that providing some replacement news would help Rick feel better."
"Hopefully it won't cause trouble for Courtney," Kara said, frowning. The last thing she wanted was Courtney being stressed right now, well, more stressed than she already was.
"She went to her mom's place on the Outer Bank," Alisha explained, scraping the last of the ice cream out of her bowl. "Apparently you can only get in or out by private plane. That should keep the reporters at bay."
Danny opened the fridge to study the offerings. "Must be nice."
Despite knowing how Rick and Courtney originally met, at a fundraiser that Mrs. Abbot was throwing for her wealthy friends, Kara often forgot that Courtney came from a very different world. The kind with private islands and their own planes. Both women ignored Danny. "Is Rick joining her?"
"No," Alisha chuckled. "Pretty sure he didn't want to ask you for the time off."
Danny snorted. He closed the fridge, two bottles of ice tea in one hand. "Kid is terrified that you're going to transfer him off the James as punishment."
"And have to train a new Master Chief?" Kara laughed. "Not a chance."
Alisha stood, depositing her bowl in the sink. "I should get going. Give you lovebirds some alone time."
Kara ignored the comment, standing to walk Alisha to the door. "Next time I promise that we'll actually look at wedding dresses."
"Don't make promises that you can't keep," Alisha teased as she scooted out the door.
Turning, Kara re-joined Danny in the kitchen. She picked up one of the bottles of iced tea, rolling in between her hands. Trying to think of a way to raise the topic that she had been rolling around in her mind for weeks now. Danny stood quietly, sipping his drink, as she composed her thoughts.
"You know how I've been working on the fundraiser for the Florida Orphaned Children's Foundation?" She waited for Danny to nod. "It's taken me over to the Howards a couple of times. Do you remember them? They're the couple who took in Ray's group. Anyway, they have these two little girls living with them right now. Three and seven. I was thinking..."
She paused, uncertain. Not wanting to mislead Danny, to make him think that she had made a decision when she hadn't. Not really. But also not wanting to keep this a secret. Wanting him to know about her visits, about what she was doing. And, even more, wanting, no needing, to be able to talk to him in real time. To find out how he felt about the possibility that had presented itself, one that Kara could not seem to stop thinking about. One that might be the answer to the question Danny posed that day on the Nathan James.
Do you not want kids? Or do you not want to be pregnant?
"Stella and Delilah, you mean?" Danny asked, and Kara's eyes shot up, studying his face. Her surprise must have shown because Danny continued. "I've gone over to the Howards with Tex a few times to help fix stuff around the house. Adorable little girls. Stella likes to come see what we're doing. Delilah always hides so we pretend that we can't see her."
Kara chuckled. "Last time I was there, Stella and Delilah were playing the floor is lava. It was so cute. I was thinking about asking Elena if I could take the girls out to lunch. Maybe do some shopping. I wasn't sure if you would want to join us."
She held her breath, not certain what she expected from him. But knowing that this moment could change everything. Setting down his drink, Danny reached out, clasping her hand in his. "If that is a request for a bodyguard and a bag carrier, I am happy to oblige."