A/N - sorry for the delay! I've been unmotivated generally and then my plan for this chapter went a bit sideways. Hopefully you enjoy. xoxo - tmtcltb

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Ch. 23 - One is Silver and the Other Gold

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Kara ignored the first and second chimes of the doorbell, lying in her darkened bedroom with the pillow hugged to her chest. It was most likely Carlton, swinging by on his way home to check on her since she had called out sick the last two days. The third time the bell went off, Kara huffed in annoyance. Forget Carlton, the only person brave enough to harass her this way was Alisha. Vaguely she wondered if Danny had called her. Although Kara tried to keep their conversation light, she knew that she wasn't succeeding when Danny ended the call by reassuring her - again - that Ms. Guy was off their case and, even if she wasn't, Sasha had dug up enough dirt on the woman to get her fired and possibly arrested if she continued to annoy them.

By the fifth time the bell rang, Kara knew that it was hopeless. At some point, Alisha would simply break into the house. Not in a way that would arouse suspicion, of course, probably telling the locksmith that she lost her keys. Despite her innocent face, Alisha was suspiciously good at lying, a trait that apparently served her well as a teenager.

Dragging herself to her feet, Kara glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Lord, she looked terrible. A week of restless sleep had made her natural pallor more pronounced, as did the dark circles under her eyes. Kara was reminded of those days in the Caribbean with so little water that the pads of her fingers began to crack. She was going to have to pull it together before she picked up the girls on Sunday. Or, at least, do a good job on her makeup. The last thing that they needed was for Elena to start worrying that something was wrong or, even worse, mention it to the wrong person.

The door chimed again and Kara quickly splashed some water on her face, trying for a little color in her cheeks. It did nothing and Kara didn't bother with more. It wasn't as if Alisha hadn't seen her in this state before. Swinging the door open, about to mention the rocky road ice cream sitting in the fridge, Kara blinked when she realized that it was Andrea, rather than Alisha, standing there wearing what Danny jokingly referred to as the Commander's drill sergeant face.

"Where's Liam?" Kara blurted, saying the first thing that came to mind.

Andrea didn't wait for an invitation, brushing past Kara and heading towards the living room, grabbing Kara's arm on her way past. "With Burk."

"You left Liam with Carlton?" Carlton caring for an infant. The thought was mind-boggling. "Alone?"

"Burk is far more capable than he pretends," Andrea replied. "But no. Nishioka and Miller are there as well. A boys' night while Courtney is out of town." Andrea pushed Kara down on the couch, eyes running over her. "You look terrible. When was the last time that you ate?"

Kara considered the question. "Yesterday. I think."

"Stay right here."

Andrea disappeared into the kitchen and Kara found herself staring at the bookcase. The one that she and Danny put up just before he left for Mexico. Doing...well, actually, Kara wasn't sure what he was doing. She just knew that his travel arrangements were under the name Matthew Burnett, a tourist from Amherst, Massachusetts. And she only knew that because Val told her. Hell, he could be dead right now and Kara wouldn't know until Captain Slattery showed up at her door, probably with Russ in tow.

Funny how she never realized how hard it would be to be the one left behind.

"Eat this."

Kara was startled when Andrea reappeared and shoved a bowl of steaming soup into her hands. How long had she been zoning out? And where did the soup come from?

The last question must have been spoken out loud because Andrea answered. "I swung by Bacon's place to pick it up. I didn't ask what kind. They're all good."

Andrea sat down on the other side of the couch, legs curled up under her, coffee mug held securely in her hands. Despite loving almost everything that Bacon made - everything except his salmon loaf, which still made her nauseous - Kara had no desire to eat. Still, knowing that this was a battle she would not win, Kara took a spoonful, and then another, surprised to realize halfway through the bowl that she was starving.

Andrea waited until Kara had finished her soup and two rolls, and was settled with a cup of coffee. "Now tell me what is going on."

Fiddling with her mug, Kara avoided Andrea's eyes. After a few minutes of silence, Andrea spoke again. "You've seen me at my worst, Kara. If you think that anything you say can shock me, you're wrong. So I'll ask again. What's going on?"

"I thought that I was pregnant," Kara blurted, eyes squeezing shut as she waited for a response.

"Thought suggests that you aren't," Andrea replied, tone matter-of-fact.

Kara opened her eyes, finally looking over at her friend. She shook her head. "No, I'm not."

As if the four negative tests were not sufficient, her period had started yesterday. A week late, something that Kara now assumed was due to stress - even if stress had never made a difference before, her periods coming as regularly as clockwork except for those few months in the Caribbean.

"Did you want to be?" Andrea pressed.

"I..." Kara hesitated. "I don't know."

"Okay."

Nonplussed by the response, Kara rushed to add. "I know that I want to adopt the girls. That hasn't changed. I don't want you to think that I'm not committed to them. Because I am. We are, I mean. That's the number one priority."

Andrea took a drink of her coffee, apparently mulling over Kara's words. "I talked to Elena before I came over. I was concerned that there was another problem but she said that everything was back on track as far as the adoption goes. Fast-tracked, actually."

Kara managed to crack a smile. "I guess there are a few benefits to having friends in high places."

"Says the woman otherwise known as the fixer," Andrea replied tartly, before her tone softened. "None of us doubt your commitment to Stella and Delilah. But it's not an either or, Kara. You can adopt the girls and have a baby if that's what you want."

"Try," Kara corrected. At Andrea's raised brow. "Try to have a baby."

Because the more Kara thought about it, the more she was amazed that anyone actually had a baby. Look at Andrea's history, or what Tom and Sasha were currently going through. Sure there were people out there like the Slatterys who decided to have one more baby and ended up with twins nine month later, but they seemed to be an exception rather than the rule. Hell, even Rick and Courtney tried for close to a year before she conceived, although Rick admittedly spent at least four of those months deployed.

"True." Andrea studied Kara for a moment before setting down her coffee. "I'm going to be blunt, Kara. People are worried about you. You've called out of work sick for the past two days, which is pretty damn unusual, and both Carlton and Alisha said that you aren't answering your phone. I made the mistake of calling Debbie and she was practically in hysterics, saying that you were mad at her about something."

"Well, that's true," Kara interjected, "I am mad at Debbie. She should have told me that she had a police record."

"And that's the reason you've shut yourself up for the last two days refusing to talk to anyone?" Andrea asked, her tone biting. "Because of a thirty-five year old arrest that nobody except Alexandria Guy gives two shits about?"

Kara sighed. "No."

"Hell, Danny's worried enough that he got Tex to call me from god-knows-where in Mexico to come check on you. Not that I mind," Andrea rushed to add. "But we can't help you if you won't tell us what's wrong."

Ah, that was the problem wasn't it?

Kara was used to being the one who took care of things. The one who other people called with their problems. Never the person who needed help herself.

Except when it came to Danny or the girls or the dream baby who never seemed to completely disappear.

Hell, Kara had called in more favors in the last six months than she had in her entire prior thirty-four years.

"I shouldn't even be thinking about this," Kara said harshly. "The girls should be enough. They are enough. I don't need to have a baby too."

Andrea replied quietly. "Do you think that I love Kat less because I had Liam?"

"Of course not," Kara replied, shocked by the very idea. "But that's different."

Andrea took a sip of her coffee. "Why?"

Kara stared, trying to formulate an answer. Why? Well, it just was. Andrea lost Lily. And her relationship with Kat had never been a traditional mother-daughter. Plus, Kat was older and their relationship more established by the time Liam was born. Besides, it wasn't as if Andrea planned to have Liam. He was clearly a surprise. The whole thing was completely different than what Kara was doing - which was building her family through adoption. There was no room in the plan for another child.

Or for all that would entail.

"I actually worried about it a bit," Andrea said. "That I wouldn't love Liam the same way that I loved Lily, because I was afraid of losing another child. Or that I would love him more, because I knew how precious life was, and I would feel guilty about not loving Lily as much. Or that Kat would feel displaced because Tex and I had a child together, as though I was suddenly trying to replace her mother. And then I realized how stupid I was being."

Kara actually choked on her coffee. "Stupid?"

Andrea chuckled. "I was married to Bill for eighteen years. From the day that we met, I knew that he was the one. I loved him and Lily and our life together." Andrea paused and Kara could feel tears rising as she recalled the dark days when the Nathan James first arrived in Norfolk, after Andrea learned that Bill and Lily were dead. She reached out of squeeze Andrea's hand and Andrea gave her a watery smile. "My relationship with Tex is very different from my relationship with Bill. Same with my relationship with Kat compared to Lily. And my relationship with Liam is different from the ones that I have with either girl. But none of that means I would give up Tex and Kat and Liam to get Bill and Lily back. Or that I love them less. I'm not saying that things are perfect or that there aren't moments when I miss Lily so much that I can barely breathe. And everyone knows that it took Kat a while to warm up to the idea of a sibling." Kara smiled at that, clearly recalling Kat's horrified reaction upon learning that her father was about to procreate again. Or, as Kat expressed it, my friends are going to know that you still have sex. "But I am saying that Stella and Delilah will likely have days when they like you, and days when they don't, and days when they question why you adopted them and whether you really love them. But that's going to happen whether you have a baby or not."

"I told Danny that I didn't want to be pregnant," Kara admitted. "That's why we started looking into adoption. I couldn't imagine going through that again. And I'm still not sure that I want to. Not on purpose. It would be different if..."

"If you didn't have to actually make the decision," Andrea finished the sentence for her.

"I'm scared of deciding to have a baby and then finding out that we can't. Or miscarrying again. Or..." Kara swallowed. "Or finding out that Danny doesn't want a baby and the two of us falling apart. Like before."

There. She had said it. Her worst fear. More than anything else, she was afraid of resurfacing the old dream - a little boy with sandy-blonde curls or a little girl with chestnut pigtails - only to have it crumble again. Except, this time, she wouldn't be the only one to get hurt. This time there would be two little girls who would be swept up in the aftermath.

"You have every right to be scared, Kara," Andrea said softly, then her voice firmed. "But I'm not the person you should be talking to this about. You need to talk to Danny."

Kara closed her eyes. "We've never been good at that."

Andrea leaned forward, her hand resting on Kara's knee. "For a long time, Tex and I didn't really talk about anything and that worked for us. Hell, it was the only reason that I was willing to keep him around at the beginning. Because he didn't push me. But it's not healthy, keeping everything all bottled up. Talk to Danny, figure out what both of you want, and figure out a way to do it. Because for all that you know, you're twisting yourself up in knots for no reason, Kara."

So simple, and yet so complicated.

"I don't know if I can," Kara whispered, imagining what would happen if she confessed to Danny that he might want a baby, only for him to shrug and say that he didn't. Except...

She hadn't been the only one with dreams for their lost child.

Kara's eyes flickered to the bookcase, her eyes lingering on the Japanese tea bowl and the Marajoara urn. Danny hadn't forgotten either. He had mourned too. And, maybe, just maybe, she wasn't the only one who still felt a bit of yearning for a resurrected dream.

Andrea's phone began blasting Sinatra's Chicago and she scowled down at the screen. "Give me a second." Andrea lifted the phone to her ear. "What's wrong?"

A moment of silence passed and then Andrea rolled her eyes at Kara. She put her hand over the receiver, an action that amused Kara to no end when Andrea could have simply used the mute button. "Apparently three grown men are incapable of changing a diaper. They need direction. I'll be back."

Smiling as Andrea disappeared into the kitchen with her mug, Kara picked up her own phone. She searched until she found the unlabeled number that Danny had called her from earlier. Despite knowing that it was technically against the rules, Kara hesitated for only a second. After all, Danny would never have asked Tex to send Andrea over unless he was worried.

Some godfather you are. Your godson is currently in C's (in)capable hands.

The response was almost instant.

C covered in shit. I'll give you 100 for a picture.

Kara snorted.

Ha. As if I'm getting anywhere near that hazmat zone.

Again, the reply came immediately.

Made you smile.

Surprised, Kara's thumb hovered over the phone. And then she blinked back tears. Somehow she had managed to find the one man in the world who got her. Who understood what made her laugh and what made her cry. Who had shown her that he would never give up on her.

And maybe, just maybe, he would understand this too.

Grinning like a fool.