DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, "Naruto speaking to Kurama in her mindscape," etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

Jiraiya-sensei had to be doing this on purpose.

Minato supposed it made sense that as a daimyo, "Princess Gale" could still take on acting roles: it wasn't like the job of a daimyo was taxing: each daimyo decided exactly how involved and significant - or uninvolved and absurd - his/her position could be.

The Princess Gale role was one thing but the daimyo's current one was quite another, as far as Minato was concerned. Jiraiya-sensei always said he was naive about these things and so perhaps he was. Koyuki-sama moved like a kunoichi and Minato warily realized that she might be a trained kunoichi - one who was skilled at seduction techniques.

As an actress, it made sense that she would understand that even as a civilian. Women skilled in such techniques always made Minato nervous, however.

"Oh, Raiya-kun," Koyuki moaned.

Minato wiped the sweat from his upper lip and gulped. Shouldn't Koyuki-sama be looking into the camera or at her acting partner instead of at him while she was… riding her partner?! Jiraiya snickered beside him. "This is not funny, sensei," he whispered furiously behind his hand.

"It is," Jiraiya disagreed. He'd been incredibly busy with village business for months and months. Getting an afternoon to see the progress on Icha-Icha: It Takes Two to Tango, the upcoming second film in the franchise, was a delight and bonus to this little trip North. How could anyone resist this, especially his son?

Maybe that slippery little Tobi bastard would stop by to check the movie's progress, too. Then they could kick his ass! "Tobi's" days were definitely numbered.

Jiraiya grinned at his red-faced son as Koyuki did her magnificent work in bringing one of his visions to life. "You know, Minato, the next film the studio's planned is gonna be called Icha-Icha: Three's Not A Crowd. You're going to love that one!"

Shisui hummed although it came out more like a grumble. He wasn't comfortable being here, but on the other hand… "I know I'm going to love it."

Jiraiya threw his head back, cackling his head off.

"CUT!" The film's director looked at Jiraiya-sama and his noisy entourage in exasperation as his lead actress slumped over her supposed lover before giving the men a dirty look. "Jiraiya-sama!" The Icha-Icha writer pouted and whined when Koyuki-sama's almost naked figure was covered in a kimono by her assistant. She waved off her director as she slowly approached the men, purposely swinging her hips and ass.

Director-san had hoped that the daimyo would tell them off. That, unfortunately for him, did not happen.

"You're Namikaze Minato," she said silkily. "I'm Kazahana Koyuki. It's a pleasure to meet a man that's been to the other side."

"Ah," Minato said uncomfortably while scratching at the back of his head after bowing to the daimyo. He didn't like being reminded of the Shinigami AND tried to ignore his sensei/father... Stop that Jiraiya: I can't think of you as my biological father when you take on that lecherous expression! Gods forbid that he ever make that face. "It's my pleasure, Kazahana-sama."

"Mou," she whined, "so formal." She gave him a long, slow wink, having used him as her muse throughout her lovemaking scene as she had so often before: the Yondaime Hokage was an incredibly impressive and handsome young man. She greeted Jiraiya with a kiss on each of his cheeks, thinking it amusing that such a perverted author would turn to mush at such a simple gesture before turning to the man she hadn't met. Had she? Surely it would be difficult to forget such a handsome man wearing an eyepatch. "And you are?"

Shisui gulped. He had met the daimyo a few years before when he'd been assigned a mission to ensure that she would take her rightful place in the kingdom. He'd "convinced" the actress then known as (a very bratty) Yukie Fujikaze with his Sharingan's ability - something he probably shouldn't have done but he'd had his hands full with her uncle and his minions who were trying to kill her. One of the bastards had even cracked and knocked off his special battle-grade ANBU mask. "I am a simple guard for Hokage-sama, your grace."

Guh.

Shisui didn't like the way the daimyo was looking at him. Koyuki, Yukie back then, had really NOT wanted to take her place as The Land of Snow/Spring's daimyo. He'd only fully used his (now Itachi's) Mangekyo Sharingan to "change someone's outlook" a handful of times. He wondered if she realized what he had done. Well, if you're lucky, you learn something new every day, dontcha, Shisui? Even if it's about yourself or your abilities…

Koyuki stared and stared at him, feeling more and more irritated with every passing second. "I remember you! You BASTARD! What did you do to me?!"

Shisui backed up a step, not realizing he had shielded himself with the Hokage for a split second. It was supposed to be the other way around! "I… may have helped you save your life and country, Kazahana-sama?"

/

Nawaki landed next to Kakashi. "We have company."

Kakashi gave him a quick nod: the Akatsuki were here, waiting for the Three-tails as well, were they? As if we didn't have enough problems. Being anywhere close to the eddies of Uzushio was a nightmare for staying on top of the water and his team wasn't exactly an overwhelming powerhouse. He'd like to go after the terrorists or at least investigate who was with Obi- Tobi - but Shizune, Hinata, and Sakura, although strong, weren't anywhere close to being S-ranked and had never worked together outside of the hospital before. He and Dragon had often been teamed together but these three kunoichis were what Kakashi would classify as support. No, they'd need him here to protect them.

He was positive that Dragon would agree. And he really wished that Tenzo had been back from his mission to assist them.

And where the hell was the Three-tails now? There had definitely been an enormous presence that even civilians, he was sure, could feel in the water but it kept disappearing whenever his team prepared to seal him. Would it eventually come close enough to the surface of the water to be sealed? If it was like Naruto's Kurama, he thought the beast would avoid it and probably fight like hell to remain free.

Kakashi would do the same in the Sanbi's position.

"Shadow clones, then?" he asked the Senju.

"Hai!" Both men made shadow clones to go in different directions to investigate who else was waiting for the bijuu to rise from the ocean. Perhaps he and Dragon could learn how the others found out about the demon's return here. Did Konoha have a mole? Or did Konoha get this information through one of its spies in another hidden village?

What a pain.

Sai glanced over at his kunoichi teammate - happily, he and Naruto were partnered again - when her footfalls began to get heavier. He could even hear them now. From all that he'd seen of Naruto, he didn't think that was normal. She gave him what he guessed was a fake smile considering that they had their masks on before nearly groaning as they continued leaping through trees.

"I'm okay," she signaled to her concerned teammate. For all his weird smiles, Sai's eyes were incredibly expressive even though they often reflected a degree of innocent confusion in social situations. Other times, they'd betray him: proving that he was purposely being a little shit.

When they finally reached the next border outpost, Naru was feeling hotter and hotter - as if her own chakra was burning her. "Sai," the blonde breathed, praying that he wouldn't say anything to one of his (former) ROOT friends or the other team they were relieving, "I'm… not feeling well. Something's not right…"

"Fox-san," Leaf said, suddenly there, too, and entirely too close, as far as the blonde was concerned. "Are you ill?"

Naruto tried to focus on Sai, rather than Leaf, although her eyes darted between them. "Something's not right," she repeated. "I don't know exactly what's going on since I don't get sick." She sat down to prepare to go into sage mode and when she achieved it, freaked out. All at once, her head cleared and the problem hit her like a ton of bricks. "Root," she breathed to her team leader, "we need to move out! I have to go!"

Root crossed his arms over his chest, thinking of how to use his growing social skills in this situation to better deal with the tempestuous kunoichi and grow as a human being and comrade. It was important to know her state of mind, he knew. "Are you on your period?"

Naruto's mouth fell open behind her mask. "Don't make me kill you, Root." Fortunately, Sai stepped in.

Sai had mistakenly asked Ino the same question when she was being particularly catty and had paid the price for doing so. Ino informed him that she had decided to date Choji instead of him. Sai had first thought that the Akimichi was what one would call a "rebound" but one look at Choji's horrified face told him that Ino was trying to make him jealous without telling the large teen her plans beforehand. Most books he'd read on dating explained the idea clearly. He, as a good boyfriend and supportive comrade, called her out on her deception - as well as helpfully offering tips for her to better deceive him in the future - and got punched in the face for it. "Do you have a secondary mission, Fox?"

"Yes," Naruto exclaimed, surprised that Sai was getting her out of this with a question that was so reasonable and normal, especially for a member of ANBU. –Although who am I kidding? As if they'll let the hunted jinchuuriki do a solo mission! "Yes, that's it, exactly, Sai!"

"Wait here," Root ordered, going back to another team that they'd met up with here at the outpost. He and the other team spoke to each other in whispers and Naruto had a feeling that at least two of the Jonins were former Foundation members, too. "This is an assigned mission?"

"It is," Naru half-or-more-lied. She thought about whether or not she'd forgotten to tell anyone about what she planned to do with Isobu. Oops: she had forgotten.

"I will accompany you."

"Great," Naruto chirped, now free to go. "Try to keep up!" She shot off in a bright golden glow, downing trees in a path that then began to regrow in her wake.

"What in the world is… THAT?! How am I supposed to catch her?" Root was panicking! He'd just let the Hokage's jinchuuriki daughter zoom off on her own.

Sai, always a good comrade, patted his shoulder. "Follow the new bloom of trees?"

.

Kakashi frowned upon receiving his clone's memories. His clone hadn't come upon the Akatsuki but he had heard a sealing team of Mist nins talking about having sighted members of the organization.

And they had a very small child with them, one he was sure that they intended to turn into a jinchuuriki even though the shinobi he'd forever call "Bubble Boy" - the asshole jinchuuriki that had taken Naruto from him; the man she seemed so comfortable snuggling up with inside that bubble of his - had been arguing against it.

Kiri sent a jinchuuriki to aid in sealing a jinchuuriki. Unbelievable.

His clone had also spied Oto shinobis in the area.

Dragon sauntered closer to him, scratching his cheek underneath his mask. "Akatsuki's here. That Tobi guy was arguing with Sharkface about breaking into Uzushio. Sharkface is demanding to retrieve the supposed treasure there. Tobi's said that they must concentrate on the jinchuuriki and bijuu."

Kakashi looked behind him, toward the island in the distance. "Good luck with that." The eddies surrounding Uzushio were incredibly violent and filled with a dense, threatening chakra. He wondered if that was where the Three-tails was hiding. Why would it keep getting closer to Hi no Kuni, though? He - it - is safe where it is.

Suddenly the waters began circling even more menacingly, the tide rising at a time it shouldn't.

Kakashi's heart began pounding when he sensed his naughty little wife "approaching" their position like a comet hurtling to earth. This was not good! Naruto, herself, was another force of nature and she'd probably have a Kyuubi-sized fit if she realized what they were doing. Plus, the Akatsuki was here and he wouldn't doubt that the water was reacting to an Uzumaki's blood being so close to Uzushio. Either that or perhaps the Kyuubi's chakra is making the Three-tails react from within the ocean. He cleared his throat and tried not to snarl at the woman lit up like a fire in the dark; her eyes looked awful: a mix of the Kyuubi's and toad's chakra rather than her beautiful blues. "Fox."

Naruto threw her ANBU mask on the waterlogged shore hard enough that it busted. "What are you doing here?" she growled as she stared down all of the Konoha shinobis. Four shadow clones broke free from her and snuck off in the direction of the other groups of shinobi when Kakashi grabbed her arm.

"What are YOU doing here and why are you alone?"

Naruto squeaked before she got her act together. "Maa, my team or partner or whatever is right behind me." She did her best version of Kakashi's closed-eye smile but her husband didn't look impressed. "Seriously: what's going on here?"

And what's with the water?!

"Dispel your clones NOW."

"No! Tobi and Kisame are here and so are Utakata and some other Mist dudes! …Some other people as well." Yeah: she didn't THINK she sensed that Yukimaru kid but if she found him she would take that sweet little boy back to Konoha with her this time! That Guren woman was here with her goons so she should probably also go pound them.

- How did they escape Konoha? What kind of prison system was Ibiki running?!

Kakashi took a deep breath. "Which is why I'm ordering you to dispel those clones, Naruto. You know they're after you!" Shizune stepped closer to them and Naruto growled at her like the little animal she was. She was a lot more threatening lit up in all of that crazy chakra, Kakashi thought. He shook her arm once. "You're supposed to be at the outpost north of Deika City," he hissed. He'd checked her team's schedule at the ANBU desk before he'd left Konoha! "Dispel those clones now!"

"Fine," Naruto barked as she held her hands together in a seal she usually didn't have to use, "but by doing so I won't see them coming!" She began twitching with rage when she realized what the really big scroll next to her husband might be. "What's. That. Scroll? Don't tell me you're planning to seal him!"

Kakashi took a half-step back and crossed his arms over his chest - something he'd regret doing only seconds later. "How did you find out?" he asked in just over a whisper, wishing - despite his possessive nature - that Dragon would come closer to assist him in dealing with his batshit-crazy and angry little mate.

Naruto put her fists on her hips, wanting to throw a fit. "How do you think I knew?!" Her husband's glare only worsened so she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Honestly, woman!"

"Oops! Gotta go!" She hastily retreated onto the water, easily passing her husband and great-uncle while in Sage mode combined with Kurama's chakra. She really needed to name this thing. Hmm. Sage-Art Super-Kurama? Super-Kurama Sage-Art? Sage-Art Super-Foxy-Naruto-Edition!

"Naruto! Get your head in the game!"

"Sorry!"

"IsssssssOBU!" The turtle's chakra rose higher and higher and Naruto split off into clones when she felt the others approaching, too.

She'd be damned if anyone sealed him and looked forward to beating the shit out of them for trying, even if she had to do so with her husband.

"Isobu! Can you hear me?!"

"Use your inside voice, Uzumaki!"

"Oh! Sorry about that! We've got trouble, but I'm going to take you to safety, okay? –Just promise you won't eat my friends and allies!"

Isobu wondered why the crazy human he once tried to eat/destroy - she had tasted terrible, leaving his poor tongue and tiny minions grossing out for days - before he was sealed into that husk… He was reminded of his poor jinchuuriki, Yagura, who had twice been unfairly influenced by that man's Sharingan. "Uzumaki. Yagura, my jinchuuriki," he began miserably. "I never meant for it to happen."

"I'm sorry, Isobu. We can talk about Yagura's suicide once I get you to safety, ne? I know you were fond of him and am sure partnering with you was a great honor to him." Isobu was nearly out of the water now and continued to rise up as she stood on his head.

"You know," the turtle said shamefully. "I have caused so much trouble in recent years."

"Bullshit," Kurama complained.

"Well said, Kurama!" Naruto bit her thumb, her hands flying through the necessary seals to take them back to the toad's mountain as both Isobu and the weirdly violent water around them rose higher and higher. She felt incredibly small. "Gyaku Kuchiyose no Jutsu." She poured more and more chakra into the reverse summoning jutsu, lighting the other bijuu up in Kurama's cloak, too, and finally, both of them in Isobu's chakra as well.

Finally feeling the pull, she flipped off the suddenly-appearing Tobi and disappeared - except she didn't.

Isobu was gone but she was falling from very high up in the air and her chakra - holy shit - was almost gone! In addition to expelling so much of it, she'd gotten hit by that asshole's sword! "Fuck me." She was going to die by crashing into the water, wasn't she?

Kisame retreated, narrowly avoiding being hit by Sharingan no Kakashi's dreaded Chidori. "Samehada loves your chakra, Nine-tails!"

"Fuck you," she snarked as she felt chakra strings surround her, pulling her away from her death in the raging water below her. "Dragon," she mumbled in relief that Uncle Nawaki had helped her out in a pinch. "Sorry 'bout that."

"You are getting court-martialed, you little brat," he hissed and threw the blonde at his teammates for this mission. He really wished that Tenzo had been available because this entire situation was a clusterfuck. He initiated a lightning-infused water dragon to chase Sharkface away from Kakashi. The Mist nins had been ordered to engage and were now battling it out with Shizune and the other young women on his team.

..

Utakata had been ordered to retreat to safety with the child after Naruto - that idiot - did something to hide the Three-tails. He had been unable to see what hand seals she used.

"Isobu," his mind whispered to him: either a memory that Utakata couldn't reach or an answer from Saiken. His six-tailed partner had gone silent since he was forced to accept this mission: one in which they were supposed to seal the Sanbi into new jinchuuriki to return to Kiri. He needed to protect the child but also wanted to aid Naruto and his team which had entered the fight. Reluctantly, he put the child in a bubble and rushed to the blonde's side. "What have you done?"

Unknowingly, Naruto pouted at him, repeatedly (and barely) slipping away from Tobi who was teleporting here and there as he tried to surprise her. This masked douchebag is just fucking with me again, isn't he?! "Not tellin'."

"You brat," Utakata hissed, blowing a bubble to be at the ready to imprison that masked Akatsuki bastard.

"Behind you," Naru yelled. She substituted with Utakata who stumbled before turning to enclose her in a bubble. She started to float upward but then that Tobi bastard sucked her into his eye, right along with the bubble.

"Oh, no," Utakata whispered.

Obito reappeared in front of Kisame, grabbing him and teleporting him away.

"What is the meaning of this! This is Kiri business, Konoha shinobi!"

Kakashi glared at the unknown Kiri shinobi, panting, and began to feel literally sick. He turned around and didn't see his little wife anywhere. He couldn't feel her at all: it was like their bond was GONE. "Where. Is. Naruto?"

"Your kunoichi took our Three-Tails!"

"We have a bigger problem," Dragon said as he landed between them, detaining the bubble-blowing shinobi within his reinforced chakra strings. "Stand down, Kiri nin. You are still within Hi no Kuni's borders. I remind you that we are allies - and your shinobi got our jinchuuriki captured by the Akatsuki: our sworn enemy."

As Isobu was having a debate with a variety of delicious-looking toads, Utakata's bubble had popped and Naru was in a weird and cold gray space. "This place is creepy." She crawled into a corner to hide between two short columns but guessed it wouldn't do her much good. She began unsealing a barrage of weapons she had on her and held back at sucking in a breath when she heard, rather than felt, Tobi and Kisame appear in the room. She couldn't feel any chakra at all other than her own now weak-ass reserves. Would these two be at the same disadvantage?

It was Kisame's voice that she heard first.

"Yare, yare. I was just having fun, Madara-kun! I thought you wanted to kill the Copy Ninja!"

"Shut up!"

Naruto could hear Tobi moving around, perhaps searching for her, and remained silent. It sounded like Kisame had put down his sword and was popping his back (groaning) - or pretending to - but she hoped that he had begun walking away from where she was hiding.

"So rude, Tobi. What would Leader-sama say if he knew that you treated your senpai like this?" Kisame teased. "I wasn't going to kill him: Samehada and I were just tenderizing Friend-Killer Kakashi for you!"

"Kisame, I'm serious."

Naruto had initially seen that this place was huge and it sounded like Tobi was moving away from her, too, but she couldn't trust herself to do much about it: not when her chakra was so incredibly low - stupid Samehada! - and speaking/thinking of… Oh no.

Samehada came crawling up and sniffed her. It looked like it was wagging its tail. Naruto hesitantly reached out to pet it and felt some of the chakra he'd stolen return to her. "Thank you," she mouthed. The sword's handle wagged even more. "Help me?"

Tobi was suddenly there and hoisting her up by her neck. He slammed her against a wall. "Why hello there, Naru-chan," he said in his silly voice. "Oh, wait," he said menacingly, his voice instantly changing into his own, "do you only like when Bakashi calls you that? Hime-sama?" He bashed the back of her head into a wall again and retreated when Naruto surprised him with a huge volley of repeating explosive notes.

He gawked when he reappeared on the border of Fire Country, patting down the fire on his smoking uniform. Had that crazy kunoichi blown herself up?! Kami, he'd had to wait SO LONG for the three-tails to appear again - and had Naruto-hime really killed herself, too?!

Kisame looked at the kunoichi who had nearly blown herself and Obito's entire dimension up with approval. She was smoking and had burned off most of her uniform and part of her hair. "Madara-sama really wants to talk to you, Nine-tails."

Naruto knew the back of her head was bleeding badly but at least she wasn't on fire anymore. "He's got a weird way of showing that, huh? Just talking? –Nah. I think he wants to do more than that." It was hard to move. Good gods, she was in pain. "How do we get outta here?"

Kisame picked up Samehada but didn't feel the Kyuubi's chakra come to him as it should have. He could've sworn he felt a surge of power in this corner and guessed that Obito had, too. It had helped them find her, although it wasn't like she could really go anywhere. "Hmm. Of course, he wishes to extract the Kyuubi but he does want to talk to you first." The blonde jinchuuriki stuck her tongue out at him as she rubbed blood away from the back of her head with her arm - either that or her tongue just lolled out. Obito better hurry or she'll die before he can extract the demon.

The Leaf Princess had fallen to her knees, panting and clearly disoriented.

"Do you seriously believe in his... Eye of the Moon plan? –It's gonna get you both killed."

Kisame chuckled and sat down on one of the odd square shapes that made up Obito's Kamui dimension. There was a slew of twisted-up logs in here that he didn't recall from when he'd been here before. "I am a loyal soldier, Hime-sama." He smiled a little more menacingly when the burned and bloodied woman looked up at his slashed hitai-ate purposefully, giving him a disappointed look that was also full of disbelief. "I don't owe you an explanation for my actions. You're a dead woman, anyway."

Naruto concentrated the chakra she had on trying to heal herself. Her head was ringing and the room wanted to spin. Everything began going black. She fell into strong arms that hoisted her onto a broad shoulder.

Kisame smells like the ocean.

/

She woke up sometime later in a dingy cell that smelled like death.

Naruto cried out when she saw that it was Han's body across from her. She quickly crawled over to him and tried to heal him. "No! No, no, no!"

He was dead!

"Ohh, yes," Obito chuckled. He only raised his hand as he saw her running through hand seals. "I've sealed your chakra, Hime-sama. Couldn't you tell when you tried to… do whatever it was you were attempting on our deceased friend here?"

Naruto harshly wiped her teary eyes and snarled at him, silently vowing to never let this dipshit out of her sight until it was HIS dead body lying on the ground. Zetsu was beside him, smiling in that creepy way of his.

Something about Zetsu frightened Naruto more than Tobi/Madara/Obito ever could.

She moved to sit as far away from them and Han's body as she was able to - determined to get out of the seals he'd put on her. She wiped more tears from her cheeks and resolved to take vengeance on these assholes that had ruined two of her lives and killed countless others. Just like Han. "So what now? Do you have to wait until Ko- until the five tails reforms? Are you planning to keep me here that long?"

Naruto knew that "Tobi" didn't deserve to know Kokuo's name.

Poor Kokuo! Poor Han!

Obito frowned at her from behind his mask. "Why would I wait at all? What's done is done."

"You don't have Gaara and you won't…"

"I will," Obito interrupted her simply, "at some point. It's just a matter of time."

Naruto swallowed hard as she realized that the tailed "beasts" didn't necessarily have to be put into that husk, one after another in order of least tails to most, her precious Kurama being the last. Tobi interrupted her torment.

"You know I was planning on taking both of the Kiri jinchuurikis. You got in the way, though. Now, hime-sama. Tell me where the Three-tails is."

"You'll never find him," Naruto said, hoping that was true. Tobi teleported into the cell and punched her in the face, making her cry out and grab her cheek. "I thought… I'd be with him. Kisame… said you wanted… to talk to me," she gritted out.

"You're only pissing me off," Obito said as he began to turn around. He looked back at her to make a snarky remark and barely dodged her fist.

Naruto swung at him so hard she cratered the cell's concrete floor when her fist phased through him. Unfortunately, she also broke her hand. Badly. And she might just die of chakra exhaustion now that she'd put everything she had into that punch.

"You really are a crazy bitch," Obito chuckled as he teleported himself and Zetsu away.

Alone in her cell - aside from Han - Naru sniffled and cradled her already swelling hand and wrist. "Concentrate, Naruto." She tried and tried to separate her yin from yang chakra but it just wasn't coming to her. She wiped her blood on the chakra restraint seals but that didn't help, either. She miserably realized that even when she stopped searching for her chakra, her seal was showing.

How did that son of a bitch learn to seal off my chakra with a five-elements seal?

Considering the damage she'd done on the floor, though, maybe she could dig her way out?

"I don't know whether or not you can hear me, Kurama, but we are not letting these assholes win this time!"