A/N — is everyone excited about the 22nd? Remember to swing by and check out the holiday stories! xoxo — tmtcltb
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Chapter 27 — Courage is Not the Absence of Fear
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Kara hesitated for the briefest of moments, and then clicked send before she could change her mind — again — watching the message disappear from her screen. It had been disconcerting to pop up her last email exchange with Rachel. A year had passed since they spoke, but it wasn't the length of time that troubled her. Well, not the only thing that troubled her. The lapse was embarrassing but Kara knew that the other woman wouldn't hold it against her, Rachel certainly spent enough time engrossed in her work to understand when it happened to other people. Rather it was the realization of how much had changed in Kara's life since she wrote that email to Rachel that left Kara rattled.
Before Brazil.
Before Danny.
Before the girls.
Her last email focused on Nishioka's recent promotion to TAO and casually mentioned the possibility of joining Stephan for a business trip to England. Now she was writing about weddings and children and the possibility of giving up her command. Kara tried to imagine Rachel, sitting in her laboratory on the other side of the Atlantic, opening the email. Reading through Kara's updates, clicking on the attached pictures.
One of the girls from the lake. Another of Danny and Kara at their wedding. And a third one of the four of them, taken by Andrea. Although the aim had been to get a formal photograph to accompany the press release concerning the adoption, Kara's favorite picture was a shot that Andrea took as they were arriving. Delilah riding on Danny's shoulders, Stella between Kara and Danny, the two of them swinging her up by her arms as they walked.
A family.
The wedding news was unlikely to be a complete surprise, given how often Kara and Danny had been in the press recently. And Kara thought that Rachel would understand about the girls. How a chance meeting turned into so much more.
No, the last paragraph would be where Rachel stopped and scrolled back to the top, double-checking to make sure that she hadn't confused the name and that this wasn't actually an email from Alisha or Andrea. Because the Kara who Rachel knew would never, ever have asked for her medical records from the vaccine trial — specifically the ones relating to her pregnancy and miscarriage.
xxxxx
Kara took another bite of her curry. She initially planned to wait for Rachel to return but, after thirty minutes, her rumbling stomach won out over politeness. And despite having taken a gamble on a random Mom-and-Pop shop that happened to be conveniently located only a block away, the food was quite tasty. Helping herself to another piece of naan, Kara let her attention wander around the office.
This was the first time Kara had seen Rachel since the other woman returned to London two-and-a-half years before. Following the Nathan James' arrival in St. Louis, Rachel had intended to set down roots and base her research from the United States. But Peng's use of the green mist quickly scuttled that plan, with both Rachel and Doctor Milowsky spending the next eighteen months in Japan, attempting to reverse, or at least mitigate, the effects. By then the red rust or, as Rachel insisted on calling it, rubus oxide was devastating Europe's crops and relocation to London made far more sense than St. Louis. Kara shivered, recalling James Fletcher's plan to steal the seeds from the Nathan James and turn them over to Veleek. If Rachel hadn't stumbled into the plot, and promptly relayed the information to Mike, Fletcher might have succeeded. Kara didn't want to think about the trail of dead bodies the traitor would have left in his wake.
A certain sandy-haired Navy SEAL among them.
Standing, Kara wandered the small space. Most of the surfaces, including Rachel's desk, were piled with books and paperwork. But among the evidence of Rachel's work, there were also pictures. Kara hesitated before picking up one of Tom and Rachel. It appeared to have been taken in Norfolk, before the Immunes drove a chasm bigger than the Grand Canyon between the two. Tom might have eventually come to understand why Rachel killed Niels, but their relationship never fully recovered.
Trust, as Rachel once said, was the most delicate material in existence.
Setting the picture down carefully, Kara picked up another. One of the TAC team, Rachel in the middle. Next to her stood Ravit, Carlton behind her, followed by Wolf, with Tex, Rick and Danny on the other side. All smiling. Kara tried to figure out when the picture might have been taken. Between Norfolk and the oil rig, of course, but otherwise the picture gave no hint.
"That's one of my favorite pictures," Rachel said from behind her, surprising Kara. She spun, setting the picture down. Feeling her smile grow, genuinely happy to see the other woman. Rachel moved forward, surprising Kara with a hug. "It's good to see you, Kara. Apologies for the delay. I know that you're quite busy."
Kara chuckled. "It's amazing how the words 'I have a meeting with Rachel Scott' smooths over any absence."
"Still," Rachel replied, sitting down at her desk and picking up her container of food. "I know that you are here for the summit. I do hope that I haven't inconvenienced you too much."
"Not at all," Kara said quickly, thinking about the introductory wine-and-cheese hour that she was currently skipping. Or, as Carlton would say, the ass-kissing part of the event. "I would much rather be here. Oh, before I forget, everyone says hello. Burk would have joined me but I told him we were getting our nails done."
"Please send my regards." Rachel chuckled, picking up her food. "Spinach and chickpea curry, my favorite. Now tell me all about the Nathan James."
Twenty minutes later, Kara realized that she had been dominating the conversation. "And how are you? I read your article in Science last month. Although most of it went over my head, I was very interested in the statistics that you listed. Were women really twenty percent more likely to die than men?"
"Yes," Rachel nodded. "As you know, setting aside natural immunity, random chance would suggest that people between eighteen and thirty would be most likely to survive the pandemic. People in that age group are generally healthy, have the capacity to care for themselves, and are less likely to have dependents of their own. But while the survival rates play out that way when we look at men, it's not true for women. In fact, women between eighteen and forty had survival rates lower than children between five and twelve. We are still looking into the likely reasons but the evidence clearly supports some additional factor that would explain why a healthy, young woman would be both more likely to contract and more likely to die from the early stages of the virus. But I suspect it has to do with women having a more vigorous immune response. The viral triggered that response, flooding the body with inflammatory proteins that then began attacking vital organs and causing sudden death."
"Like Maya," Kara replied quietly.
"Like Maya," Rachel repeated.
Kara took a sip of her now ice-cold coffee, wondering if Rachel had anything decent here. Probably not, the woman much preferred her tea. Finally she looked, asking the question that she had wanted to ask since she first read the article six weeks ago. "Do you have a theory for why Maya died and I didn't?"
Rachel paused, considering Kara for a long moment. "During pregnancy, women are immune compromised. It's a hormonal reaction that prevents a woman's body from attacking the fetus. In your case, it probably also muted your response, reducing the impact of your own immune system."
Kara set down her cup, taking a moment to process what Rachel had said. From the moment that Kara read the article, she had suspected that she knew the answer. Yet accepting it was something entirely different. To know that her child was gone because of a choice that Kara made — a choice to participate in the vaccine trial — and yet that child was also more than likely the only reason that Kara was still alive.
"You know, Kara, if you decide that you would like to have a child in the future, I would be more than happy to talk to either you or your doctor about the trial. My reluctance to share the medical records publicly relates only to doctor-patient confidentiality and not any desire to keep information from you."
Pulling herself together, Kara looked up. "I never thought otherwise, Rachel. But there's no need for you to worry. I'm not planning on getting pregnant."
Rachel's eyes softened. "If you ever change your mind..."
"I won't," Kara said firmly, her eyes meeting Rachel. "That is one thing that I'm sure of."
A moment's pause and then Rachel nodded. "I won't mention the topic again."
"Thank you." Kara paused. "Now I want to know all about this vacation that you claimed to have taken with Michael. Please tell me that you went to a beach and not the Congo."
Accepting Kara's obvious effort to move the conversation back to neutral territory, Rachel answered the question. "We went to Canada."
"Canada? Why?" Kara asked.
"Well, as it happens, there is an interesting bat that lives only in a certain area of Nova Scotia," Rachel began, and Kara sat back to listen. Determined not to raise the topic of the vaccine trial ever again.
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Of course, with the way Danny was acting right now — asking Kara ten time a day how she was feeling, obsessively checking the court docket for any news on their final hearing and, most telling, avoiding any discussion of pregnancy like the plague — Kara wasn't sure she actually needed her medical records at all. But the last time they discussed the topic, Danny agreed to set up the appointment with Sasha's doctor and Kara agreed to get her prior medical records.
She was going to keep up her end of the bargain.
Kara tapped her fingers against her desk as she again considered whether Danny might be right. Whether this desire to have a baby was nothing more than a reaction to the possibility of the adoption falling through. Not that he had come out and said so directly, of course, but the implication had been clear. Picking up the new photograph on the corner of her desk, the same one of the four of them that Kara had sent Rachel, she studied it.
She could be happy this way.
Just the four of them. And if, at the end of the day, that's how things worked out, Kara thought she could accept it. So why was it that she couldn't accept it now? Why was she taking the risk of blowing things up with Danny when she didn't need to? Because Kara was convinced that he was only going along with this idea because it was what she wanted. She even suspected that part of his strategy with going to see a doctor and not simply throwing out the birth control was to slow-walk the process, waiting it out to see if Kara would change her mind.
Again.
The warble of the telephone surprised Kara. Forcing herself to focus, she reached forward. Only a few select people had her direct line, the one that bypassed Nikki's desk, so the call must be important. And since Danny typically texted, Kara assumed that Mike needed something.
"Admiral, what can I do for you?"
"Kara!" The warm voice on the other end was definitely not Mike Slattery. "I just read your email and had to call you at once. Congratulations!"
"Rachel." Caught off guard, Kara tried to regroup. "I'm sorry, I was expecting Admiral Slattery. And thank you."
Rachel chuckled. "I imagine that things are hectic. I suppose that it's my own fault for not being better about staying in touch but I had no idea that you and Danny managed to patch things up. Not that I'm surprised. The two of you always had a special spark."
"Things happened very quickly," Kara replied, amused to realize that one person, apparently, hadn't learned about the relationship from a newspaper.
"And your daughters look beautiful!" Rachel continued. "You must tell me all about them. What a lucky chance that you accompanied Andrea that day."
Launching into a recitation of Stella's most recent escapade, and then a discussion of how Delilah managed to pick the word fuck up from Danny long before she picked up the word please, Kara felt her tension easing. Falling naturally back into the easy chit-chat. Which is probably why she didn't pick up on Rachel's own tension until she stumbled onto it. "And how is Michael?"
"Actually, we are no longer seeing each other," Rachel replied. Her voice remained crisp, but Kara could hear the carefully hidden pain.
"I'm sorry, Rachel." Kara twisted the telephone cord. Despite the fact that she knew little to nothing about Rachel's current life — as evidenced by their lack of correspondence this past year — Kara was surprised. Rachel's dedication to Michael hadn't waivered during the long months with no news, before he was discovered living in a Mongolian yurt. Having taken Rachel's advice to get out, albeit at the very last minute. "I know how much you loved him. Would you like to talk about it?"
"I did love him." Rachel sighed. "And, while there were certainly times when I wondered, I know Michael loved me as well. It's a common story, really. We grew apart. It simply took us a long time to realize it. I have you to thank, actually, for opening my eyes."
"Me?" Kara replied, startled and slightly uncomfortable.
"Seeing you last year," Rachel paused. "It reminded me of all that I gave up when I found Michael again. Talking to you, chatting about old friends, I realized how much I missed being part of a group. A family really."
Kara recalled those dark days when the Nathan James first left St. Louis and the only person Kara could talk to was Rachel. She had never considered whether Rachel might feel the same. She was always so busy, always surrounded by others, the belle of the ball. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I should have done a better job of staying in touch. We all should have."
"I didn't call to make you feel guilty, Kara," Rachel said, voice firm. "Actually, I called because I have made a decision myself. One that makes your request particularly timely. I'm going to be relocating back to the states. I originally thought to return to St. Louis but I've decided that Mayport is a better option."
Kara sat up. "You'll be here? In Mayport?"
"Yes," Rachel confirmed. "In about six weeks. Which means that I will be able to consult with Doctor Egowman in person..."
Kara cut her off, certain that she hadn't included the name of the doctor in her email. Why would Rachel be talking to Tom and Sasha's fertility specialist? "You know Doctor Egonwman?"
For the first time, Rachel seemed to hesitate. "I apologize if I overstepped, Kara. I've been asked by Doctor Egonwman to consult on ... another case and I assumed that you would be seeing him as he is a specialist in the field. I can obviously send you the records directly and respect your wishes on whether or not I interact directly with Doctor Egonwman."
Rick.
Of course.
While Kara never spoke directly with either Rick or Courtney, she knew courtesy of Val that they had, in fact, visited the fertility doctor last year. Concerned about both of their brushes with the virus, as well as the length of time it took before Courtney became pregnant. Strangely, the thought buoyed Kara. As far as she knew — and Val made certain that there were few secrets among the crew — Courtney and Rick conceived naturally. Perhaps Doctor Egonwman would know of ways to decrease the likelihood of another miscarriage. Abruptly realizing that she had just jumped down Rachel's throat for no reason, Kara took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry I snapped." She gave a sharp laugh. "I seem to be apologizing to you a lot today. It's just..."
As the silence stretched, Rachel spoke. "I was there, Kara. I saw what you went through. What both of you went through. The decision to try again is very brave."
Kara gave a sharp laugh. "I'm not sure that we are going to try again. Danny suggested the Doctor. He thought that getting all of the information might help us make a decision. I think he's scared."
The second that the words left her mouth, Kara regretted speaking, knowing that Danny wouldn't appreciate her sharing something so personally. But Rachel didn't hesitate. "I'm sure he is. Sitting by the side of someone you love as they suffer, even if they ultimately survive, is a trauma. With your loss coming so close on the heels of the trial, I imagine that those memories are intertwined in his brain, as they are in yours. I would expect another pregnancy to bring forth many of those dormant thoughts and feelings, even if the pregnancy was planned and perfectly healthy. Fear is normal, Kara, and not an indication that you aren't committed to the idea of having a child together."
Kara felt the tears pressing against her eyes. "Really?"
"Really." Kara could almost see Rachel's smile through the phone. "Now, tell me what you are thinking."
She brushed away a tear as it slid down her face. "I think that I'm very glad you are coming to Mayport."