A/N — so, I watched clips of 'You' over the weekend. TVW does look nice, although it's better with the volume off since he's rather a dick at times (ha, ha, yes the pun is intended). I don't love the hair but it's still better than the beard of season 4. Also, thank you Guest for the review. I hope you enjoy this chapter. xoxo — tmtcltb

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Chapter 32 — Hopes and Dreams

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Kara straightened her napkin, taking another bit of the tuna tartar that she selected as her starter. Normally this was one of her favorite dishes at Chez Peter, but tonight the tuna didn't taste quite right. And the wine, usually one of her favorites, was slightly off.

Or maybe it was just her.

Attempting to shake off her mood and enjoy their first date night since the girls moved in fulltime, Kara fixed her attention on Danny, who seemed to be studying something on the far wall. Smiling brightly, she asked. "How is the shrimp?"

There was a short pause, then Danny sent her a grin. "Shrimpy. Want some?"

"No, I'm good." Kara waited, but Danny had resumed his study of the far wall. After a moment, she turned to see what had him so captivated, but the wall looked the same as it always did, covered in pictures of Peter with various celebrities who had dined at the restaurant. Captain Chandler appeared in one of them, along with Mike, Christine, and Debbie. Another one featured Tex and Andrea. Thankfully, Peter had never asked Kara to pose with him. "What are you looking at?"

Danny cleared his throat, picking up his wine to hide what Kara thought might be a flush. "Nothing. I was just looking at the photographs. Peter's met a lot of people."

Kara picked up her own glass. "Is this the first time you came here? Other than ..."

"That disaster of a birthday dinner?" Danny asked, chuckling. "Yes. And I don't remember much from that night, especially once we realized that you and Stephan were here. I was a wreck."

"A wreck?" Kara set down her glass. "I beg to differ. You were cool as a cucumber. I was the one Peter had to save with that excuse about Debbie needing me so that I could get out of here without humiliating myself."

"Are you kidding? I was sweating as bad as Rick, and we both know that he was ready to pass out when you showed up at the table," Danny replied, before outright laughing. "Although I've never had a three course meal go so quickly. Our appetizers came in about a minute and the entrees arrived almost immediately after that. Wolf and Carlton were shoveling food into their faces as quickly as they could. Peter couldn't get us out of here fast enough."

Imagining the scene, Kara began to laugh as well. "Lord, what a train wreck. I can just imagine what Peter was thinking when he realized that we were both here."

As the laughter died, Danny went back to studying the wall while Kara took another bite of her tuna. After another moment of silence, Kara decided that there was no point in pushing off the inevitable. Sighing, she set down her fork. "So, should we talk about it?"

xxxxx

The introductions out of the way, Dr. Egowman smiled at them, his fluffy white hair and round glasses suggesting Santa Claus rather than a serious medical professional. Although she supposed the Santa Claus look was somewhat accurate given that the man was in the profession of giving people gifts in the form of children. "I've reviewed all of the medical records that you provided and, I have to say, it is always a pleasure to work with Doctor Scott. She is so very thorough in her record keeping and incredibly responsive to inquiries. Best of all, I was able to meet with her in person for the first time."

"Rachel is very thorough about her work," Danny replied, his voice decidedly cool. Puzzled, Kara turned her head just enough to study his profile before deciding that she was reading too much into a casual comment.

Doctor Egowman certainly didn't seem to have taken offense to Danny's comment. "I have just a few follow up questions. First, how long have the two of you been trying?"

"Trying?" Kara echoed, before understanding hit. "Well, we haven't. Not yet. We thought ..."

Danny jumped in as Kara trailed off. "We wanted to meet with you first."

"Wonderful, wonderful," Doctor Egowman replied, chuckling, and again Kara pictured the man wearing a red suit and a hat. "Too often people wait for years before they come in, only to find out that a simple procedure could have solved all of their problems."

Kara wasn't sure how to respond to that, but thankfully Doctor Egowman didn't seem to expect a reply. Instead he picked up a folder. "Commander Foster, the medical records regarding your miscarriage and subsequent recovery that I received from Doctor Scott were very thorough. I assume that you have passed all pre-deployment tests and annual physicals since you were cleared by Doctor Scott?"

"Yes," Kara replied, happy to gloss over the more difficult topic.

"And no recurrence of the anemia and vertigo you experienced during that time? No recent unexplained bleeding?"

Kara sensed more than saw Danny's sideways glance. "No."

But Doctor Egowman was more perceptive than Kara had given him credit for. He set down Kara's file, smiling at Danny. "All very common both following a miscarriage and recovery from an illness, Commander Green. Certainly nothing to worry about given Commander Foster's good health over the past several years. Unless you've noticed symptoms that Commander Foster might not have noticed?"

Danny paused, glancing at Kara, before shaking his head. His voice was gruff. "No, I haven't seen anything like that since St. Louis."

"Good." Doctor Egowman turned his attention back to Kara. "And Doctor Rios performs your physicals?"

Still slightly rattled, Kara merely nodded.

"Excellent. Timothy is very thorough. I'm certain he would have picked up on any issues of concern."

xxxxx

"About the meeting with Doctor Egowman, you mean?" Danny asked, his attention now on the wine he was swirling around in his glass. Kara was about to tell him to forget it — after all, the appointment was only three days ago and there was no rush — but then Danny looked up. "The anemia. That's why Rachel didn't clear you to rejoin the Nathan James before we left for Asia, isn't it?"

Kara opened her mouth, the word yes on the tip of her tongue, before she hesitated. Because it was the truth, but not the whole truth. And after their fight over Evelyn Magnolia's appearance, Kara didn't want to prompt another one by hiding information. "Partially. Rachel was also worried about my hormone levels. It didn't go down right away. That can mean cancer."

"I know."

Surprised, Kara set down her glass. "You did?"

Danny shifted his shoulders. "That's why Rachel wasn't sure if you were really ... losing the baby at first. Because the levels kept going up, even after you started bleeding. She said sometimes that happens. Women bleed but...they're still pregnant. But then there was too much blood and your levels still kept going up. She was worried about a growth. That's why Tex grabbed the ultrasound machine when we hit Baltimore."

"I don't..." Kara stopped, her throat aching as she pictured Danny's face Holding her hand for hours, or maybe days, begging her not to leave him. "I don't remember any of that."

"I figured. The only thing that seemed to help was morphine but it also knocked you out." Danny glanced down, his hand fiddling with his fork. "Did it help? Talking to Egowman?"

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"In fact," Doctor Egowman continued. "There is nothing here that concerns me at all regarding your ability to conceive and carry to term, Commander Foster. I see many women in my practice who miscarry and go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies. And, in your case, there were a number of external facts that are extremely unlikely to be duplicated."

"You mean getting the virus?" Kara managed to ask, her voice shaking slightly, and Danny reached out to take her hand.

"That certainly qualifies," Doctor Egowman agreed. "However, the limited research on pregnant women who were infected and survived does not suggest long-term complications for either mother or fetus. In fact, pregnant women had a slightly better statistical survival rate than non-pregnant women between 18 and 40."

Recalling her conversation with Rachel in London, Kara tightened her hold on Danny's fingers. "Due to a more aggressive immune response. Like what happened to Maya."

Doctor Egowman's smile disappeared, his face growing solemn. "Lieutenant Gibson's death was the catalyst for the early research on the issue. I see that you have followed Doctor Scott's study on the topic."

"But," Danny paused, then pushed on. "If you didn't mean the virus, what caused the miscarriage?"

"Long-term dehydration and radiation exposure are the two most likely suspects," Doctor Egowman replied briskly. "Dehydration in early pregnancy is known to cause serious complications. Additionally, you were approximately six weeks pregnant at the time the Nathan James came into contact with the nuclear fallout from Paris. That is a critical stage of development and even a minor exposure could have caused a break in the chain, so to speak, leading to complete failure of the embryo. Of course, it could have simply been luck of the draw. Approximately twenty percent of known pregnancies fail in the first thirteen weeks for unknown reasons."

"What do I need to do next?" Kara asked after a moment.

"We could do additional tests, but I think that is unnecessary at this time. I suggest that the two of you start working on a baby the old-fashioned way." Doctor Egowman gave her his Santa Claus smile. "Although I would caution you that as women reach their mid-thirties, fertility does decline so I would suggest starting sooner rather than later. I'll give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins and recommend a Vitamin D supplement as well and suggest a follow up in three months."

xxxxx

Did talking about what happened help?

Kara swallowed. "Yes, I think it did. Part of me wishes that I looked before but," she sighed, shaking her head. "I wasn't ready."

Doctor Egowman hadn't said anything that Kara hadn't been told before — by Rachel and Andrea and even Debbie — but this was the first time she had listened. Listened, and maybe even believed what was said.

The first time that she didn't insist on blaming herself.

Danny nodded slowly, tapping his fork against his plate until Kara reached over to silence the annoying noise. He snorted when he realized what he was doing, before leaning forward, his eyes never leaving her face. "You said before that you never wanted to be pregnant again. Are you really okay with that?"

Kara bit down on her lip, not simply blurting out the answer, forcing herself to consider the question. And yet, she knew the answer from the moment she walked out of Doctor Egowman's office. Even before then, really. Perhaps from the night before their wedding when she realized that they forgot the condom — or maybe she actually made the decision all the way back on that day on the Nathan James when Danny asked her if they could try dating again. "I am. But this has to be a two yes kind of a decision, Danny. You get a vote too."

xxxxx

Doctor Egowman turned towards Danny. "As for you, Commander Green, I have your test results here and I am pleased to say that everything came back in normal range."

Danny sat frozen. Kara squeezed his hand, wondering if his silence indicated shock or wonder or something else entirely. "Are you sure? Rachel thought..."

He trailed off and a whiff of sadness crossed Doctor Egowman's face, before it disappeared. "I am aware, of course, that an abnormally large number of the Nathan James' crew from the Arctic have been diagnosed with fertility issues and Doctor Scott reasonably suspects your exposure to radiation as being the cause. However, as we have no information from the time about the level of exposure for each individual, there is simply no way of telling whether the entire crew was exposed equally or if those exhibiting problems received a higher dose or were exposed at a different time."

Kara thought of Captain Chandler on the bridge, before he made his way to engineering. Maybe those above deck were hit harder? But wasn't Slattery on the bridge as well? Why did one man have twins while the other needed IVF?

She must have murmured the words aloud because Doctor Egowman nodded. "Even if two individuals receive the same exposure to radiation, they may not be impacted the same way. Our bodies all process these things very differently."

"What," Danny hesitated, a catch in his voice. "What does that mean for us?"

"As with your wife, based on these test results, Commander Green, I see nothing of concern," Doctor Egowman explained. "I would recommend a multi-vitamin and suggest that you both come back to see me in a few months if your efforts to conceive naturally are unsuccessful."

Suddenly curious, Kara tipped her head to the side. "How many members of the crew have you seen, Doctor Egowman?"

The man winked at her. "You know that I can't discuss such things, Commander. But I will say, my methods are quite effective. And I strongly suspect that you've seen the results of some of my work."

xxxxx

Danny poked at the one remaining shrimp on his plate before meeting Kara's gaze. "I wasn't expecting him to tell us everything was okay."

"You mean, you thought that he would tell us that we couldn't have a baby?" Kara asked as neutrally as possible. She could hardly blame Danny for thinking the same thing as she was thinking.

"Not exactly." Danny paused. "More like I thought that this meeting would be to gather intel and discuss options. Then we would regroup in a few weeks. That's what..."

He faded out and Kara assumed his expectations were based on information from Sasha. She nodded. "Information gathering before we decided whether to proceed with the op."

Danny shrugged. "Basically. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I just figured that the odds weren't in our favor. Not when.."

"Not when?" She prompted, watching the emotions ripple across Danny's face.

Realizing that he knew things he couldn't tell her.

Because they weren't his secrets to share.

"A lot of the guys have struggled," Danny said finally. "Nobody talks about it, but we all know. The good old Nathan James grapevine. Tom, Gator, Mason..."

"Will?" Kara interrupted. At Danny's right nod, Kara recalled how happy he and Bertrise seemed when she ran into them at Danny's night-out with the TAC team, the two celebrating Will's promotion to TAO. "But Will's only twenty-five."

Danny blew out a breath. "It doesn't seem to matter. But you can see why I can't quite believe..."

Kara reached over to take his hand. "Yes."

She could see the relief on Danny's face, and again Kara wondered how much he was keeping hidden from her about his own fears.

Not wanting to burden her.

The way she didn't want to burden him almost six years ago.

A choice that tore them apart.

She wasn't going to let that happen again.

Kara lifted her glass. "Take the time that you need to think, Danny. I'll be here when you are ready to talk."

"Kara..."

"Here are you entrees," came a cheerful voice, as Samantha, one of Kara's favorite waitresses, appeared at their table. She shook her head at them. "Not hungry? You didn't finish you appetizers and you know that Peter is going to ask why."

Kara forced a smile. "We got talking and you know the portions here are always huge. Is that the pumpkin ravioli? It smells amazing. Debbie told me that it's the best new thing on the menu."

"It certainly is," Samantha replied, grinning. "One pumpkin ravioli and one double meat-lovers lasagna. Anything else that I can get the two of you?"

"No, just our compliments to the chef," Danny replied, already digging into his plate.

Samantha laughed. "Then I'll give the two of you some peace."

Picking up her fork, Kara decided that a change of topic was in order. After all, this technically was a date night and Mike had already given Kara multiple lectures on the importance of carving out time with Danny away from the girls. Upon walking in on Mike in the middle of one, Andrea rolled her eyes and reminded Mike that Kara already had a mother, leading to the two of them bickering for the remainder of the week.

"Stella told me this morning that there's a new enrichment class starting on Monday afternoons after school and she's hoping to go."

"Sounds nerdy," Danny replied, the corner of his mouth lifting. "She must get that from you."

Kara took a bit. The ravioli was everything that Debbie promised. "They're going to be dissecting worms."

"Okay, not exactly like you." Danny chuckled. "Remember how you dropped the entire can of bait when we took the girls fishing."

Kara shuddered. "One of them touched me."

"Sew up a bullet hole, no problem, but God forbid a worm touches you," Danny teased, before his face suddenly sobered. "I think we should do it."

Food halfway to her mouth, Kara froze. "What?"

A smile spread across Danny's face and he set down his fork, sliding his hand across the table to take hers. "Let's have a baby."

"Now?" Kara replied, her voice far too high pitched.

"Well, I was planning to finish dinner first but the girls are with Andrea and Tex so..."

Kara cut him off. Wanting — no needing — to be certain this was what he wanted. "Are you sure? We don't have to decide right now."

Danny was silent for a second, biting down on his lip. "You know that night I came here for my birthday? I saw you sitting across the restaurant and all I could think of was that this was all wrong. It should have been the two of us here, together, with our kid."

Kara gasped, recalling the hint of sadness that she thought she saw on his face that night as she excused herself and left.

Wondering what it would have been like if she were the one sitting at that table next to Danny, a four-year-old tucked between them, allowed to stay up late to celebrate his daddy's thirty-fifth birthday.

Wondering whether Danny might be imagining the same.

She felt tears filling her eyes and blinked them away. "I had the same thought."

Danny squeezed her hand. "I still don't know if I entirely believe Doctor Egowman, but I want to try."

It took a moment for Kara to push the word past the lump in her throat.

"Okay."