A/N — tonight I hosted my book club. We ate waaay too much barbeque (SoCal style) and talked about the book for about .01 seconds. Hope everyone else had a similarly fun Friday night. xoxo — kals

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Chapter 36 — Grief Comes in Waves

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Stepping into the living room, Kara was met by the sight of Danny sound asleep on the couch, Delilah plastered across his chest. Despite her apprehension over the coming day, Kara found herself smiling as she lifted the blanket that had fallen onto the floor, placing it back over the sleeping figures.

As careful as she had been, the movement was enough to wake Danny, and he cracked an eyelid, gazing at her blearily for a moment before his eyes sharpened. "What time is it?"

"Not even seven," Kara reassured him. "You should get some more sleep. It's going to be a long day."

But Danny was already moving, shifting Delilah on the couch, hand resting on her back until the child gave a soft sigh and sank into the cushion. He glanced up. "Coffee?"

"Sounds good."

Kara trailed him to the kitchen, fingers fiddling with a random toy sitting on the table, as Danny went through the familiar routine of measuring the coffee and starting the machine. Every day they said that they should do it the night before, to make the mornings easier, but every night they forgot.

The silence growing heavy, Kara searched for something to say. "I didn't hear Delilah wake up."

After a slight pause, either because Danny was caught up in his own thoughts or because he wasn't quite awake yet, he nodded. "She had a nightmare. I didn't want her to wake up Stella or you, so I brought her in here. I didn't plan to fall asleep."

Another awkward silence fell, until Danny handed Kara a cup of coffee and bowl of saltines. He remained standing, fiddling with his own cup. Then he set down his cup with a self-deprecating laugh. "I've spent years pretending not to notice who you avoid me on the anniversary of the trial and thinking about all the things that I would say if you gave me the chance. But right now, I can't think of any of them."

"Danny..." Kara stopped, wiping away the tear that ran down her cheek with the back of her hand. "Damn I hate these stupid hormones."

Whether or not he believed that her tears were the result of being pregnant, Danny didn't say. "How's the stomach?"

"Fine." Kara shrugged. She had been expecting constant nausea based on the stories that she had heard but, other than a moment in the breakroom when someone thought that microwaving fish was a good idea, the nausea was mostly limited to first thing in the morning before she ate. Kara acknowledged, if only to herself, that the coffee probably didn't help but there was just no way that she was making it through today without the comfort of her usual morning routine. Kara looked up, meeting Danny's eyes. "How are you doing? Today isn't just about me. You were there too."

Danny raked a hand through his hair. "I'm okay." When Kara raised an eyebrow, he elaborated. "For me, the twentieth is harder. We were all really hopeful in the beginning. It didn't get real until Tom let me into the tent."

Strange how Kara never truly considered what things were like outside the tent. "I thought that you were getting updates?"

"We were," Danny confirmed. "But Rachel thought that your symptoms were a reaction to the vaccine, so the XO just told us that things were going as expected. We didn't know about the fevers or your seizure. When the Captain announced that Maya had died, it was a shock."

"I don't remember her dying," Kara admitted. She turned her mug in her hands, allowing the warmth to seep into her hands. "Actually, I don't remember most of it. Just flashes of memories. Russ reciting the Lord's Prayer over and over again. Andrea singing lullabies to me." She reached her hand across the table, lips curling slightly despite the seriousness of the discussion. "You sitting next to me, holding my hand."

Danny reached out to take the offered hand, holding it tightly as they finished their coffee in silence.

xxxx

The girls piled out of the car, their excitement obvious. "Gigi! Papa! We're here!"

"Girls!" Debbie called back from the front porch. "Come see our surprise."

Danny slung Stella's unicorn-and-princess backpack over his shoulder, taking Delilah's smaller bag in his hand. But instead of moving towards the house, he turned to Kara. "You're sure that you are okay with Debbie and Peter watching them tonight?"

"Pretty sure they're the only people we know who won't be at the anniversary ball tonight," Kara pointed out. Danny's face didn't noticeably change, but Kara could read his eyes well enough to know that he was mulling something over. "What are you thinking?"

"I could stay with them," Danny offered, the words rushed. "I keep saying that I'll be there to support you but we both know that you don't need me. You've done these alone for the past five years. If me staying home with the girls would help you feel more comfortable, that's what I'll do."

If it would help you feel more comfortable, that's what I'll do.

"God, I love you," she murmured, reaching out to grasp his arm. Struggling to find the words to tell Danny how much his offer meant. Because it meant he understood. Probably not that he understood why Kara struggled to trust Debbie but understood what a big deal it was for her to trust her mother to watch their daughters. "But, no, I don't want you to stay home with the girls. I want — no I need — you to be my support tonight. The way you have been for the past five balls. Knowing that you were there meant something, even if I refused to admit it."

Even to myself, Kara added silently.

Still, Danny hesitated. "And the girls?"

"I've been angry at my mother about, well, about a lot of things," Kara admitted. "But I can see that she's trying." When Danny said nothing, just watching her, Kara continued. "Plus, Peter called me. He wanted me to know that if Debbie does anything ... questionable, that he'll take the girls back to our house and let me know."

Danny raised an eyebrow. "Do you believe him?"

Kara nodded. "I do. He lost his own son to alcohol long before the virus hit. He seems to understand that there are some lines that can never be uncrossed."

"For what it's worth," Danny said softly. "I do think she's changed. That stuff about her being arrested for assaulting a police officer was bullshit."

"Oh, I know that." Kara chuckled, although the sound was strained even to her own ears. "I may have even done something similar. Remember when you found me in San Diego after the Henann exploded?"

Danny's face tightened. "I remember. You and Tex were insane going onto that base with just pistols. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I wanted to hurt — no, kill — the people that killed you," Kara explained, watching Danny's eyes widen, before his jaw tightened.

"What the hell, Kara. You were on a suicide mission?"

Kara met his eyes squarely. "More like, I didn't care what happened." She could see the pulse in Danny's neck as struggled not to say something — probably along the lines of if you ever do something like that again, I'll kill you myself — so added. "I don't feel that way anymore. And even if I did, I couldn't do that to the girls. I only mentioned it because I understand why Debbie flipped out on that police officer, and I don't even blame her for it. It was just a convenient excuse to be cover for the fact that I was still angry with her about other things."

"And now?"

Kara took a deep breath. "Things aren't perfect but they're better. And I do trust her not to drink, even without Peter there as a check. Mom keeps thanking me for giving her another chance, and I don't think she would do anything to blow that. Of course, whether she up and decides to dye Stella's hair pink, that's a different question."

Danny laughed, then stopped when Kara didn't. "You're joking, right? Nobody does that to someone else's kid."

"Oh, Danny," Kara chided. "We grew up in very different homes."

Danny frowned, then his lips twitched. "We do have another option, you know. Pablo mentioned that he's available."

Kara dropped her hand from Danny's arm, her scowl immediate. "That man seriously has a death wish."

xxxxx

Andrea was sitting on the couch, face covered by a towel, feet propped on the coffee-table when Danny and Kara entered. She waved a hand at them. "Ignore me. Courtney claims that thirty minutes like this will help relax me before tonight. There's one for you too, Kara."

Wisely declining to comment, Danny opened the front closet to hang their dress uniforms. "Where is everyone?"

"In the backyard," Andrea replied.

Kara nodded her head in that direction and Danny disappeared. Kara settled into the chair across from her, propping up her own feet. "You can take off the towel now."

Andrea sat up. She picked up a small, white box and tossed it to Kara. "Here's yours. It would make my life easier if Courtney wasn't so sweet."

Kara laughed as she opened the box. "Can you imagine Rick with someone who..." As the scent from the towel hit her nose, a wave of nausea hit, and Kara slammed the lid back down. Breathing through her nose, Kara fought against the urge to vomit all over Tex and Andrea's floor.

"In through the nose, out through the mouth." At some point Andrea had clearly moved, pressing Kara's head between her knees and lifting her hair off the back of her neck. Kara wasn't sure how long they stayed that way, Andrea using her command voice, one that even Kara's stomach seemed to respond to.

Kara wasn't sure how much time passed before she was able to sit up, leaning against the back of her chair. She caught a glimpse of the white towel on the floor near the coffee table and, instantly, her body recoiled. "Can you get rid of that thing?"

Andrea disappeared without a word, taking both towels with her. She returned with a steaming cup. Kara was about to refuse when she caught a whiff of ginger. Accepting the mug, she squinted at Andrea, trying to think of a way to ask the question without asking the question.

As though reading Kara's mind, Andrea snorted. "Please. I realized that you were pregnant when you started turning down any lunch invitation that featured sushi."

Kara paused with her mug halfway to her mouth. "It's that obvious?"

"Obvious?" Andrea snorted. "99% of the people we work with are men or computer nerds, so no. Although Cooper probably knows."

"Which means Tom knows," Kara groaned.

"Actually, I wouldn't assume that," Andrea said thoughtfully, settling back onto the couch. "Cooper is surprisingly tight lipped. Congratulations, by the way. June baby?"

Nodding, Kara took another sip of the tea. "We don't want to announce anything until later. At least the second trimester, but maybe after the anatomy scan at twenty weeks."

"You may want to rethink that plan."

"Why?" Kara asked. "You didn't even know about Liam until you were twenty weeks."

"But you're small," Andrea replied. At Kara's blank stare, she elaborated. "Where do you think that baby is going to go?"

"I..." Kara trailed off, realizing that she hadn't actually considered the matter. After all, Andrea hadn't shown at all, and Sasha was able to hide her bump until she was much further along. But what Andrea was saying made sense. Courtney had started looking pregnant almost immediately. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

Andrea scoffed. "Of course not. It is strange, though, how different this year is. You married. Both you and Rick parents now. Heck, you even have a bun in the oven."

It was a thought that had occurred to Kara more and more frequently in the last week, as the anniversary of the trial approached.

Marriage.

Adoption.

Pregnancy.

If, a year ago, someone had given Kara a glimpse of the future, she would never have believed them. She spoke without thinking. "Do you ever worry that you'll wake up one day and it will all be gone?"

"Every single day," Andrea replied softly.

"I'm sorry," Kara whispered, a flush burning the back of her neck. "That was a stupid thing to say."

Andrea smiled, reaching forward to pat Kara's hand. "After I lost Lily and Bill, I thought my life was over. And that life was. But I found a new life. A good one with a man I love, as crazy as he is, two children who make me laugh and scream every single day, and friends who are closer than I ever was to my family. Yes, I worry about it disappearing. But I also know that, if it did, that doesn't mean my life is over."

Kara wondered if she could ever be that brave.

But more than that, she prayed that she would never have to find out.

xxx

"Senator Wells. Mrs. Wells." Kara nodded her head respectfully.

The Senator shook Danny's hand energetically. "My, my, the two of you have been in the paper recently."

"Bryson!" Scolded Addie Wells, slapping her husband lightly on the hand. The gesture was so similar to something Courtney often did to Rick earlier that Kara almost laughed. "Leave the kids alone. I thought the stories were sweet. Although I was so sorry to hear about your trouble, dear." Kara swore that there were actually tears in the woman's eyes. "But then I saw that picture of you with those little girls and I knew that was God's plan for you all along."

Next to her, Kara could feel Danny stiffen as Addie continued talking but she couldn't summon any irritation for the woman. Not when she had lost children of her own. Kara set a hand on Danny's arm, squeezing slightly. Letting him know that she was okay. "We've been very blessed this year."

"Amen to that!" Wells boomed, lifting his glass.

As Kara swallowed her sparkling water, she glanced around surreptitiously, waiting for a pause in the conversation to make her escape but Danny beat her to the punch. "It's been a pleasure, Senator, ma'am. But I believe that is a waltz and I plan to take the opportunity to dance with my wife."

Addie might have actually sighed, as Wells laughed, slapping Danny on the shoulder. "You two have fun."

"Thank you," Kara said as they began circling the floor. She kept her smile fixed firmly on her face, knowing that they were being watched. "I could see Hamilton approaching."

"The man is a pig," Danny muttered, the hand on her lower back tugging her a millimeter closer.

Kara shook her head at him. "Official function, Commander Green. There are rules."

Danny grinned, Kara's heart skipping a beat at the sight, then he leaned down and spoke directly into her ear. "This is what they're all expecting after those pictures from Brazil. And, besides Hamilton, I suspect most of them approve."

He was right.

From the moment they arrived, there had been nothing but smiles. Addie Wells was far from the first woman tonight to gush over Danny, but Kara hadn't sensed any ill-will. If anything, they all seemed a bit like proud mothers.

As though they had some personal stake in her relationship.

Which, Kara supposed was true. After all, that's why she was here tonight. That was even how she became the youngest — and first female — Captain of the Nathan James.

Because she had helped save them.

She was their princess.

One who had finally found her prince.

The fanciful thought shook Kara. Too much time listening to Stella.

"Should we say hello to Rachel?" Danny asked, drawing Kara's attention.

Kara tried to figure out where Rachel was, but her one-inch flats left her shorter than ninety-five percent of the attendees. "If we can reach her."

One benefit of being a member of the Vaccine Six was that people got out of your way so, less than ten minutes later, Kara was giving Rachel a hug. She turned to introduce herself to Rachel's escort, only to stop in surprise. "Doctor Milowsky! I didn't realize that you would be here tonight."

"Lloyd, please," he corrected. "I normally don't attend these events but Doctor Scott asked if I might come as her guest. We will be presenting the findings of our research together at the convention and there are a number of people here that I would like to speak with."

Their research on the impact of cell-free DNA in survival rates of women infected by Rubrum Hemorrhagic Fever.

Or, less formally, why Kara survived and Maya didn't.

Kara knew, objectively, that it wasn't quite that simple. After all, Andrea had survived and plenty of pregnant women had died. Which, she understood, was where Lloyd came in. He was capable of compiling the research on survival rates for women across multiple countries. Rachel had also taken into consideration race, socio-economic status, and geographic location.

All of which told Kara something that she already knew.

Her child saved her life.

Realizing that her hand was creeping towards her stomach, Kara forced it to her side.

This time I will take better care of you.

I promise.