A/N — I have the worst head cold so apologies in advance for any and all stupid errors. I will inevitably find them later and be mortified. xoxo — kals
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Chapter 42 — The Paths Not Taken
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"Mommy! Look at me!"
Kara turned, laughing at the sight of Delilah waddling by on the slowest pony that Kara had ever seen. Yet the thousand-watt smile on Delilah's face indicated that the child didn't care about the pony's glacial speed. Kara made a mental note to talk to Danny about riding lessons. Stella had a million interests, and so far, had tried swimming, martial arts, chess club, art classes, and piano. But Delilah hadn't seemed drawn to anything and being so young, Kara didn't want to push. Still, it would be nice for Delilah to have an activity outside of preschool/daycare, and Kara used to enjoy riding herself. Maybe once the baby was here...
The baby.
Panic hit as Kara glanced down at her perfectly flat stomach.
The baby.
What happened to the baby?
xxxxx
"Happy clock-a-versary," Danny murmured, lips moving against the back of her neck. Kara's eyes popped open. Blinking at the glaring light streaming from the window, Kara's hand dropped to her midsection, releasing an audible sigh as her hand landed on her definitely-not-flat mound of a stomach.
A dream.
A bizarre and terrible dream.
Yet, as soon as her terror receded, confusion filled its place. "Why is it so bright in here?" Kara sat up, lifting a hand to her head at the sudden movement, ignoring the black spots dancing in her vision. She glanced at the clock, realizing that it was after eight. "Where are the girls?"
Danny sat up too, setting a hand against Kara's back. "Woah, you almost took my head off." He paused, but when Kara didn't immediately respond, continued talking. "The girls are with Tex and Andrea. Remember? So we could have the day to celebrate our anniversary?"
Of course.
Kara had been thrilled when Andrea volunteered to babysit, allowing Danny and Kara to stay later at the fundraiser last night, and then sleep late this morning. One last child-free night before there were three of them to juggle. Kara rubbed at her brow. "Sorry. I had a bad dream. Probably a pregnancy thing."
"Sure," Danny replied, but Kara could see the concern etched across his face.
"What was it that you said?" She asked, attempting to shrug off the feeling that something was very, very wrong. The girls were safe. The baby was moving. Danny was right here. It was just a dream. "Happy clock-anniversary?"
"First year anniversary is paper or clocks," Danny explained, his voice smug. "Paper's pretty lame but clocks are fun."
Kara thought about the watch she picked out for Danny just last week. She wondered if Danny had gone the same route — or if he was trying to throw her off by saying that paper was lame and then surprising her with something paper-related. Laying back down, Kara rolled onto her left side, tugging at Danny's arm until he joined her. Getting as close as she could, Kara ran a finger up his arm, determined not to let a bad dream ruin their day. "Now that I recall we have the house to ourselves, I have a few plans for you, Mr. Green."
That got Danny's attention and he grinned as he leaned towards her. "I look forward to hearing about them."
xxxxx
The next time Kara woke, she was alone. A quick glance at her stomach reassured her that the baby was still there. Sitting up — carefully this time — Kara rested her hand on her belly, waiting for the baby to kick. He complied in a timely fashion and Kara decided that, as tempting as it was, she couldn't spend the entire day in bed. As she snapped on the shower, she wondered where Danny had gone. She didn't hear any sounds from the kitchen but perhaps he ran out to grab something. Her mouth watered at the thought of one of Peter's omelets and Kara ran through the options, wondering what Danny might pick. A meat-lovers for himself, with both sausage and bacon. But sausage had been irritating Kara's stomach so she was guessing he would get her cheese and bacon, with a side of hash browns.
Selecting the least ugly of her maternity underwear, just in case, Kara pulled on one of the tops that she bought during her shopping trip with Alisha when looking for clothes for the surprise baby shower. Walking into the kitchen, she noticed that Danny hadn't started the coffee. Irritably, she measured out the pot. Even Rachel didn't think there was anything wrong with Kara having one cup of coffee. As she moved to the kitchen table to wait, Kara realized it had been almost an hour since she woke up. Pulling out her phone, she texted Danny.
Where are you?
She was nursing her one cup of coffee when the response came through.
Still living the jungle life.
Kara paused, cup halfway to her mouth. That was Danny's standard response when he was on assignment. But he wasn't on assignment until after the baby was born. If that was his idea of a joke...
Not funny. When will you be home?
This time there was a longer pause, and Kara was irritated enough to pour herself a second cup of coffee. Served Danny right for being a jerk.
You made your choice in Brazil, Kara.
Kara stared at the text, thumb over the keyboard, baffled by the exchange. Choice? What was Danny talking about? Deliberately setting down the phone, assuming it was one of those dumb can't-read-tone-over-text things, Kara waited until the door opened.
"There you are. What was..."
But that was as far as Kara got. Because the man standing in front of her wasn't Danny. It was Stephan, holding a bag that Kara knew contained two bagels. One everything with regular cream cheese. And one plain with lox.
The same breakfast that Stephan got every Sunday while they were dating.
Stephan smiled as he leaned down to kiss her cheek. "There's my sleepy head. I got your favorite."
"What are you doing here?" The words escaped even though Kara knew — knew with 100% certainty, her stomach lurching in horror — what the answer would be.
Stephan raised an eyebrow. "Last time I checked, I lived here."
And just like that, Kara understood Danny's text. You made your choice in Brazil, Kara. Abruptly standing, Kara darted past Stephan to open the door to the girls' bedroom. One that looked exactly the way it did a year ago, before Danny and Kara made the decision to move forward with the adoption.
A perfectly boring, neutral, guest room.
One tear, then another, slipped down her cheek as she wrapped her arm around her stomach, her body shaking.
"No, no, no, no, no, no."
xxxxx
"If you want a nap, we can skip lunch."
Kara sat bolt upright, then gulped in air to combat the nausea that threatened, her eyes glued to Danny's face. "Danny? You're here?"
He frowned, reaching a hand out to her arm. "Are you okay?"
Realizing that she was in the truck — Danny's truck — Kara took a deep breath, letting her eyes close. She counted to ten and reopened then, but Danny was still there. Still looking as concerned as ever. She couldn't force a smile. "Another nightmare. It felt ... real."
"About the baby?" Danny pressed.
"No."
"The girls?"
Kara swallowed tightly. "Yes."
Apparently deciding that there was no good to come from talking about her dream, Danny changed the subject. "Do you still want lunch? We could go home if you're tired."
"No, we should eat." When Danny hesitated, she added. "I'm starving."
It was a total lie. Sometime between getting dressed and arriving at the restaurant, Kara had lost her appetite and, worse, developed a pounding headache. Still, Bacon was sure to have something delicious on the menu and it was their anniversary. She wanted Danny to have a good day, even if she didn't. Besides, maybe the food would help with her headache, as well as the nausea that hadn't entirely gone away.
Climbing down from the truck, she took several deep breaths, hating how quickly she became winded these days. Just the thought of going up the six steps to La Top made her feel light headed. Ignoring the feeling, Kara smiled at Danny. "Let's go."
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Kara picked at her pasta, wondering what made her choose pesto. Sure, it sounded good when the server rattled off the specials, but it was green, which meant that her stomach instantly rejected it. She should have gone with something simple like Danny's spaghetti and meatballs. She considered taking a bite from his plate, but Danny insisted on cutting up his spaghetti instead of twirling it and Kara wasn't sure she could handle Bacon's horrified face if he saw her. Of course, Danny didn't care about the incessant mockery. As far as he was concerned, so long as he wasn't dropping food on the floor, it was nobody's business if he ate his sushi with a fork, his macaroni and cheese with a spoon, and cut his spaghetti into pieces tiny enough for an infant to eat.
"What do you think?"
Realizing that she had completely lost the thread of the conversation, Kara scrambled, vaguely recalling Danny saying something about an issue with transmission of reports from the field. "Ask Val about it."
Danny stopped, fork mid-way to his face, a frown covering his face. "Who?"
"Valerie Raymond," Kara replied, hearing the edge to voice. She took the tiniest bite of her pasta. Really, Bacon had outdone himself. She would have to make a point of telling him that her lack of appetite in no way reflected his cooking. She looked up to see Danny staring at her and forced her voice to remain neutral. "Do I have something in my teeth?"
"Kara," he said slowly. "Valerie Raymond died almost six years ago. In a plane crash in China."
"What are you...," Kara stopped, glaring at her husband. "Not funny, Danny."
But he didn't crack a smile the way she expected. Instead, he looked more concerned. "You've been off all day. Let's head over to the hospital and get you checked out. I'm sure Mike won't mind keeping Frankie for a little while."
"I'd rather see Rachel," Kara was already half standing when the end of his sentence registered. "Frankie? Frankie Benz? Frankie's dead, Danny."
She could see the fear in Danny's eyes. "Frankie's our son, Kara. And Rachel's dead. She was shot in St. Louis right after we arrived."
"Our son?" Kara whispered. "What about Stella and Delilah?"
Danny stopped, reaching for Kara's arms. "I don't know who they are."
Kara swallowed around a lump, everything in her screaming that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. Only one thought making any sense. "I think I need to go to the hospital. Right now."
xxxxx
"Kara!"
Her eyes popped open at the sound, squinting at the light that was shining directly into her eyes. Kara tried to sit up, only to be held in place by strong arms.
Arms she knew.
"Danny?" she whispered. She closed her eyes against the light, which made her headache ten times worse.
"I'm here," he replied instantly, arms tightening slightly and Kara realized that they were on the floor, her half lying in his lap. She reached down, hand on her stomach, and Danny immediately covered it with his own. "Rios checked, baby's okay."
"And the girls?" she demanded, fighting the urge to throw up all over the floor.
"They're fine. Still with Andrea and Tex," Danny replied, sounding distracted. "You collapsed. Rios was the closest, so Bacon called him. Rachel's on her way too."
"She's not dead?" Kara whispered.
"This is what I mean," Danny said, hissing at Rios. "All day she's been saying strange things. Forgetting stuff. Answering questions weirdly. She said it was nightmares but this time she wasn't asleep. She just collapsed."
"Tim," Kara interrupted. "What's the deal with the light? Trying to blind me?"
"Tell me how you're feeling, Kara," Rios said, finally snapping off the light.
"Woah, that left some bubbles," Kara replied without thinking.
"What color?"
"Black," Kara replied. "I had some earlier too. Thought I sat up too fast."
She felt Timothy reach for her wrist. "Pulse is elevated. She's having vision issues. How long have her feet been swollen?"
"Hey," Kara protested. "I wore my usual sandals last night!"
"Green?" Timothy asked, talking over Kara's head.
"She's right, they didn't seem swollen yesterday," Danny replied. Kara angled her head to look at her feet. "Where are my shoes?"
Danny glanced at Timothy again. "She kicked them off ten minutes ago, complaining that they hurt."
"I think it might be preeclampsia," Timothy said. "Let's head in. Doctor Scott can meet us there."
"Hey!" Kara said. "Will someone explain what's going on!"
Timothy looked at her directly. "You passed out, Kara, and your feet are swelling and your heart rate is too high. If I'm right and this is preeclampsia, we need to deliver this baby now."
xxxxx
Rachel's face swam in Kara's vision as they raced down the corridor, passing light after light. Behind them, Kara could hear Danny talking, something about signing all your damn forms later. She wanted to smile but something, an oxygen mask, was covering her face.
Reaching up, Kara shoved the mask to the side. "Rachel? What's happening?"
"You passed out again. Your blood pressure is far too high. It's not safe — for you or the fetus. We're doing an emergency c-section," Rachel said. She lifted a hand, moving Kara's mask back into place. "It's all going to be okay, Kara. We don't have time for an epidural so I'm going to put you under, but I promise you that both you and the baby are going to be okay."
Rachel never promised anything.
Not in the Arctic.
Not during the trial.
Not in Baltimore.
Not until today.
"Counting backwards from ten..." Rachel was saying.
But Kara was no longer paying attention to what Rachel or Rios or some other doctor she didn't recognize were doing. Instead she was watching the little boy with sandy brown hair who sat in the corner of the operating room, playing in the corner with his wooden airplane. A toy that, despite never seeing it before, Kara recognized. A toy Danny made for Frankie. Their first son. Looking up, he giggled. "Hi Mommy."
Kara attempted to lift her hand, to reach for him. "Frankie?"
"Hi Mommy." Frankie grinned at her. A smile that she knew like the back of her hand. "Baby Joshua can't wait any longer to be born. I came to say hi to him."
Kara's eyelids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. "Will you stay with us?"
"I can't stay, Mommy. You know that." And again he smiled. Just like Danny.
Kara blinked away tears. "I love you, Frankie."
"I love you too, Mommy," Frankie replied, before flying his plane across the room. Kara watched as long as she could. Watching her first child.
Her ghost baby.
The child she would never meet.
And just before Kara's eyes winked closed, she could have sworn that he reached over to squeeze her hand.