A new chapter for the new year. Thank you all for reading, enjoy!

TW: NSFW

Shepard sat in her cabin, going over data pads as she continuously checked the numbers of statistical success and forces that they had. Despite reading over the information multiple times, she was unable to focus or retain any of it. Her mind was still stuck on Helyme and the call she had with her mother. The war against the Reapers was raging and boarding on an extermination across the galaxy, but Shepard felt too distracted to focus.

The call to Hannah Shepard had been more painful than Shepard had anticipated. Back when she was in the med bay using her omni-tool to reach her mother, her mind was still muddled and hazy; unable to properly process the appropriate emotions. As she told her mother that she found her father alive, she could hear Hannah Shepard trying to hold back her sniffling on the other line. Shepard didn't have the heart to tell her mother about her father's condition, that he was delirious and that he hadn't aged in twenty years. She questioned how she even would begin to explain something so peculiar that she didn't even grasp if it was reality yet.

Yuudai was only a decade older than her now, her own father. She could only imagine her poor mother finally reuniting with her long lost lover, only to discover that she had grown much older than him. It broke her heart to think about, and that wasn't even considering his possibly permanently fractured mental state.

"I doubt Admiral Hackett would allow the Kilimanjaro to stop working on the Crucible to go and dock the Normandy. Not for personal reasons at least. We've come too far and the time is nearing to launch it, so…" Her mother's voice tried to sound stern, but Shepard could hear the hint of sadness in it.

"After it's completed, when everything is done, you can come see him." Shepard replied, her voice a little too high to be natural.

Hannah didn't respond right away. The silence grew between them until it was almost physically painful. Neither one of them had the heart to bring up the all too real grim reality of the situation. This war has brought on many casualties, and it was far from being the last.

"Dad needs constant medical supervision after being ship-wrecked for so long, so he won't be going anywhere. You'll be able to see him soon, I promise."

"I know, Adrienne, I know. You did amazing work down there, I can't wait to hear all about your rescue. And I know Yuudai couldn't be more grateful and proud of you, as am I." Hannah said lovingly.

Shepard blinked away tears as she peered over at her father in the hospital bed beside her. His comatose body rested soundly. The guilt of concealing the whole truth from her mother felt like a punch to the gut.

"We'll talk later, I know you're very busy. Be strong, and stay safe. Tell Yuudai I miss him. Love you." Hannah chimed in, cutting into Shepard's silence.

The call played over and over again in her head. Even hours later she felt sick to her stomach. Her mother was so excited to see him again, and she didn't even know if she would even be able to see him again at all.

Shepard stood up from her cabin couch, bringing the datapad with her as she went over to her desk. She saw that she had several unread emails, and requests from her own crew to find out what went on down on Helyme. She avoided speaking to any of them after her release from the med bay, even Kaidan. She knew they wanted to know why she had disappeared, and what happened to Garrus, but she had no way to even begin to piece together the events coherently. She threw the datapad down in frustration, slamming her fist down onto the desk.

Get a damn grip! In a few hours we'll be arriving to Cerberus Headquarters. You need to be focused to stop the Illusive Man and that bastard Kai Leng. She thought to herself in a scolding manner.

The sound of her door whooshing open behind her made her spin around. Kaidan entered, holding a bottle of wine and some glasses. He looked absolutely drained.

"Hey, can't sleep either?" He asked, trying to be nonchalant.

"No," Shepard answered, hanging her head as she spoke.

Kaidan came fully into her cabin, walking by her. "Making yourself crazy with this won't help."

"It's been a long day, or almost two days I should say. But too much time has been lost in preparation, and I've been distracted long enough. Kaidan, I need to-"

Kaidan shushed her, turning back on his heel to face the stressed commander.

"Shepard, I watched you sink into the ground yesterday, like quicksand in those old adventure vids. I thought I lost you forever, and I couldn't even figure out how or why."

Shepard remained quiet; his brows furrowed, recalling the agony of his memory.

"I thought you died, and I'm still trying to process the thought of losing you for a second time as I watched helplessly."

"Kaidan, I-" Shepard managed to choke out.

Kaidan shushed her again. "I spent the last day reporting to Hackett on your behalf as you recovered, trying to explain to him what happened. I know he didn't believe me, and honestly I don't even believe it myself…"

Shepard felt even worse than she did before. She felt awful for not considering Kaidan's feelings.

"Indulge me. Just take five minutes. A quick drink, and then I'll go," he said with a shrug. He headed over to the couch and placed the wine and glasses on the table.

She knew he was right, and it was the least she could do for him. The tension between them had driven a wedge in their relationship, even with him standing in her cabin she felt out of place. She forced herself to try and relax for Kaidan's sake.

"Shepard, you know that you've done everything you could, right?" Kaidan changed the subject, pouring the wine into one of the glasses. "After finding your dad alive when he's been missing twenty years on top of everything? I'd say you'd done more than everything."

"I hope so. I keep running the numbers so see if I've missed something. And my dad… that's a completely different hurdle to climb." Shepard sighed, taking the glass Kaidan offered her.

"You don't have to take this all on yourself. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side."

"Talented people like Garrus, and he got hurt doing a personal favor for me." Shepard deadpanned as she snatched the bottle from him, and plopped herself down on the couch. She took a deep sip of the wine, hoping the buzz would take over quickly.

"You know any of us would do that, and more for you, Shepard. Garrus knew the risks, and he's still alive." Kaidan replied, still trying to lift her spirits as he joined her on the couch. "What you've accomplished is just nothing short of amazing. I'd wish you'd see what I saw."

Both of them put their glasses down on the table, as Kaidan sat facing her, trying to get her to look at him and take in what he was saying fully.

"It's gonna be-" he began, shaking his head as he struggled to find words of comfort, "-it's gonna be what it is." He concluded.

Shepard looked down at her hands, sullen, avoiding Kaidan's knowing gaze. Her arms and hand were still horribly bruised from Helyme; her body barely had time to recover. She could feel the overworked strain throbbing in her muscles.

"Shepard, I wish you would tell me what's been bothering you."

She looked up at him, biting her lip as she forced herself to hold her tongue. Nightmares plagued her every time she slept, voices that only she could hear haunted her without warning. She felt cold and scared all the time, but she didn't know how to express all of this to him.

She opened her mouth to admit it all to him, let her emotions spill out in long overdue confessions, but her throat constricted almost instantly. She closed her mouth again, then hung her head in shame.

Kaidan reached out and gripped her hand softly.

"I know whatever you're going through isn't easy, just know that I'm here for you. You can tell me." He uttered gently, now fully grasping her hand between his palms.

Shepard couldn't help but smile at the touching, pure gesture.

"What're you thinking about right now?" She asked, trying to change the subject.

"The good times, and the hard times. Heh, it's been an unforgettable few years." He said with a comforting smile.

"I'll never forget that first night we bunked together," Shepard reminisced.

Her thoughts returned to their night in Ilos. The two of them were fueled by the thrill of fierce attraction, forbidden romance, and the possibility that this one night could be their last chance. Her old cabin on the SR1 had been cramped and dimly lit. She remembered crawling over his naked body in the near darkness. The sex that night had been the most intense she ever had. She remembered both of their biotics flaring during their near climax, basking the room in a blue light as they fought against the zero-gravity taking over their session of rough love making.

She wished she could go back to that time more than anything. There was such a rawness to their relationship back then. It was before all the sadness and finality took over.

Kaidan's cheeks turned red as he recalled the same memory, his smile growing wider. He let out a coy laugh: "Yeah of course not, that was uh- pretty spectacular, if I remember right."

"Mm-hmm," Shepard agreed with a chuckle of her own.

Staring into his soft, amber colored eyes put her at ease. Her heart suddenly swelled with love and admiration for Kaidan in this moment.

"You're exactly what I need right now, Kaidan." Shepard leaned into him, letting her previous worries slip away with the touch of his lips to hers.

His rough palm lovingly held her face as they kissed, then dropped down to her slender neck. Warmth bloomed inside her stomach, spreading throughout her body. They pulled away from each other. His hand cupped her chin as he grinned at her.

"I lied, I didn't come here for a quick drink," he admitted.

Shepard couldn't help but smile impishly. She climbed onto his lap fully. She gently ran her hand down his cheekbones, feeling the roughness of his five-o-clock shadow he was growing in.

"I'm sorry for being so distant lately. I'm having trouble coping with some things I don't understand. With everything going on, I think the stress is actually breaking me down. Dr. Chakwas was right; you were right. My anxiety is far too high." Shepard admitted herself.

"Anyone would feel stressed in your situation, Shepard. No one is holding that against you. You've done more than any ordinary person could do, and just know feeling this way doesn't make you weak."

She felt instant relief from his reassurance. She continued to lovingly stroke his face. "I love you."

"I've always loved you, through all these years, through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive." Kaidan replied, soothingly.

His words moved her. She leaned in for another kiss, welcoming his arms to wrap around her. She kissed him deeply, letting herself get lost in the moment. Overcome with emotion, she let the kiss continue until it started to become heated and passionate. Kaidan gripped her thighs, and hoisted her up. She wrapped her legs around his hips as his hands secured her back. He maneuvered expertly around the table and to Shepard's bed.

He placed Shepard at the edge of her bed, and hastily met her lips again. She returned his kiss feverously, guiding his hand to unzip her hoodie. She blindly groped for his belt, and began to undo it as he clumsily tried removing her hoodie. Their matched eagerness made Shepard laugh as the two of them momentarily pulled apart so they could fully undress. Kaidan removed his pants, while Shepard pulled her tank top off over her head, revealing her bra. Kaidan paused to look at her, the two of them stripped down to their underwear.

"Not getting cold feet are you, Major?" Shepard teased, turning her back to him so he could undo her bra.

"No- you're… you're just beautiful, Shepard…" he commented, rather quietly almost as if he was bashful.

She glanced over her freckled shoulder, seeing how lovingly he beamed at her, as if he was in awe. Shepard couldn't help but blush, feeling the same excited rush she experienced their first night together. That was something she admired about Kaidan, even after being intimate for years he still managed to make their relationship feel fresh and special.

He approached closer, his hand reaching up to her messy bun, and undid her hair. It cascaded down her back, as he ran his fingers through it. Shepard closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of tenderness.

"You really are beautiful, Shepard." He repeated, his voice low like a pur.

"Thank you," Shepard whispered back, lamely. She felt dumb that it was the only response she could muster.

She longed for him deeply, and wished to ignite the hasty passion they were headed to a moment ago. As much as she loved the delicate silence, she wanted to fill the quiet atmosphere to drown out her anxious thoughts. She leaned her torso over the bed, sticking her rear in the air to get Kaidan's attention. She tugged down on the lace seams of her underwear. Kaidan seemed to freeze, still holding a lock of her hair in his hand. She sat up slightly to twist around and reach Kaidan's hand, coaxing him on further.

Kaidan obliged, grabbing a fistful of her hair, and pulling her underwear down. He did the same with his own, then proceeded to thrust into her.

Shepard felt somewhat guilty, knowing Kaidan wanted to have a slower paced intimate night, savoring their possible last night together. But the sentimental treatment was causing Shepard to crack and feel as if she'd come completely undone. Tender intimacy meant facing her love head on, which meant the possibility of either of them not making it rear its ugly head.

"Faster," Shepard yelped, egging him on to clear her thoughts.

Instead of continuing, Kaidan stopped. Shepard sat up, turning around to face him. Even though he was fully erect, he didn't look immersed in their impersonal love making. She felt bad again, knowing he came up here as a declaration of their love, and not just lustful sex.

"I want this night to last, Shepard. At this rate I'll just finish and end up falling asleep." He admitted, sheepishly.

Shepard sighed, smiling at him adoringly.

"Okay, Kaidan, we'll do it your way." She murmured seductively.

Shepard reached behind her back and undid her bra. She pulled the straps down, letting the bra fall on the cabin floor by her discarded clothes, her breasts now fully exposed.

It was nearly an hour later, but time was forgotten between the two lovers as they made love on Shepard's bed. Sweaty and panting, Kaidan lay on top. His hips tiredly working as he thrust deeper into her, moaning in pleasure. His hands cupped her breasts, stroking her nipples in circles. She squirmed with delight from underneath him, her back arching as he continued on. He lazily leaned down to suck on her breast, making her wail out in satisfaction. Their foreplay had lasted long, but now she could feel herself ready to climax.

Shepard let out an even louder moan, as Kaidan did the same. The two of them suddenly lit blue as their biotics flared to life. She could feel a great release of tremendous pressure as they set off a shockwave, knocking the long forgotten glasses and bottle off the table.

Kaidan rolled off of her as their biotics flickered out. Both of them lay side by side, panting as if they'd run a marathon, watching the steady jet stream of the FTL drive power them through space. Shepard reached out and gripped his sweaty palm to hold his hand.

"I came," Shepard announced, breathlessly.

The two of them laughed, still winded.

"I know, so did I."

Kaidan maneuvered himself behind Shepard to spoon her as she turned on her side. He hugged her from behind as her heavy eyelids drooped in exhaustion.

"Your heart is pounding," Kaidan observed.

"So is yours."

After a moment of silence, Shepard could feel herself drifting off to sleep, too tired to get up and shower the sweat and pheromones away. Kaidan's breathing slowed, joining her in sleepiness.

"I love you, Shepard." He mumbled from behind her, his face pressed against her hair.

"I love you, too." Shepard drowsily replied back.

For the first time in weeks, she felt pure bliss.

Shepard found herself in a forest smoldering with ash and shadows. She tried to run, but her movement felt slowed like she was underwater. The shadows stood hazily in groups, their voices whispers of the past that haunted Shepard. She ran through the shadows to break them up into fading dust, but even as they faded their voices still carried in the wind.

"No apologies, did what was right. Hope you do the same if necessary."

Mordin's unique speech pattern and fast-paced dialogue made her stop and think about the salarian. Hearing him call her name like he was far away and needed to be saved made her stomach churn. She thought about him in the elevator going up the Shroud to stop the genophage. She watched her friend trapped in an explosion and could do nothing to stop it.

Shepard continued to run in slow-motion, trying to break free of her guilt of watching Mordin die. The whispers only followed her; it was almost cruel.

"Don't make the same mistakes I did, there's always another mission. None of them are an excuse to make yourself an island."

"It seems there'll be no one to mourn me when I die. You're the only friend I've made in ten years."

Thane's deep voice shared its wisdom and her heart sank once again. She tried to save him from Kai Leng, shooting as the two warriors fought, but his blade had fatally stabbed the assassin. She vowed revenge on Leng, not just for his work on Thessia or Cerberus, but for Thane. She always blamed herself for being too slow, just as Leng taunted her in Thessia. He was right.

"Shepard-Commander, help us. Does this unit have a soul?"

Legion's robotic voice whispered as if it was pleading. She couldn't take it, knowing a geth's death wouldn't grant an afterlife. Not that Shepard herself was religious, but the thought of being deleted from existence frightened her, and it weighed heavy to watch Legion shut down on Rannoch.

The commander pressed forward in her same slow-moving fashion, feeling like she was being held back by anchors. She wanted to run out of this strange forest, escape the torment that constantly burdened her soul. The trees seemed endless and as grey and depressing as her thoughts.

"That won't happen, go get him, Commander! I'll see you all when you get back!"

"Whatever you come up with, you can count me in."

Ashley's voice made her stop in her tracks. Her best friend who she left to die on Virmire because she couldn't stand the thought of losing Kaidan. Ash knew about Shepard's feelings for Kaidan, and the worst is she knew that Shepard wouldn't have been able to give him up. She let Ashley die on purpose, and that had always left a gaping hole in her heart. She never forgave herself for her betrayal.

The voices called her name. She covered her ears and clenched her eyes shut as the whispers echoed relentlessly in her head. The sound of a child's laugh broke through the voices and made her open her eyes. A small boy in a hoodie ran through the forest, his movements much faster than her own. She chased after him, trying to catch up with the boy. He occasionally stopped to pick up a dead leaf in childlike curiosity, but as soon as Shepard neared he would begin to run off again.

Eventually the child stopped, facing her. She slowed down as she came to recognize the child. He was the boy she saw in Vancouver on Earth. He had jumped into an Alliance Kodiak to escape the Reaper invasion, but ended up being shot out of the sky. She often thought of him, wishing she would've made a better effort to save him during the invasion. Someone came out from behind a tree. Shepard paled when she realized she was looking at herself. She knelt down and hugged the child, but it didn't seem warm and inviting. Shepard noticed her doppelganger's eyes were completely black, and her smile was stretched wickedly. The two caught on fire suddenly, bursting violently into flames before Shepard's eyes.

You can't help me.

Shepard awoke with a start, gasping for breath as her senses came flooding back to her. She peered up at her cabin's ceiling, watching the stars pass by at light speed. She could feel Kaidan's arm around her and hear him sleeping soundly beside her.

Shepard gently moved Kaidan's arm to be careful not to stir him awake. She got up and headed toward the bathroom, carefully stepping around the broken wine bottle and glasses from earlier, to prepare herself for Cerberus Headquarters. She checked her omni-tool, seeing that they'd be arriving in an hour. The dream had left her feeling sour and lethargic; even as she readied herself and dressed in her underarmor she didn't feel any sort of adrenaline course through her veins. She let Kaidan sleep as she silently prepared herself and pushed the voices back in her head.

As Shepard got ready Kaidan woke up to find the bed empty. He looked over and saw the bathroom light on and drowsily got himself up to check on Shepard. He leaned against the door frame, naked, watching Shepard brush her hair. Shepard acknowledged him but didn't speak, turning her focus back to preparing herself for the mission.

"What's up?" Kaidan questioned, his voice still drowsy with sleep.

She sighed, breaking eye contact with herself in the mirror. "Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?"

Kaidan looked at her with concern, seeing the self-doubt clear on her face. He came fully into the bathroom, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"We're ready. You've put the people together, the vision, and what you've done Shepard is build hope."

Shepard looked over at him in uncertainty.

"I'm glad I inspire that in you, but sometimes..." her voice trailed off, knowing that he wasn't going to let it go until she was sure of herself. She caressed his face lovingly. "You're right. Give us hope and a fighting chance. Hell, the Reapers better watch themselves." She pecked him on the lips, then went back to doing her hair. She started to pull it back into a high, strict bun.

"We're almost to headquarters?" Kaidan questioned, leaving the bathroom to gather his discarded clothes from the floor.

"Yeah, less than an hour now."

"Alright, I'll go get my armor ready. See you soon, Shepard," Kaidan replied, giving her a drowsy smile.

She wished their moment together wouldn't end as she watched him leave, somewhat begrudgingly.