a/n: surprise. back, kind of? anyone out there?

"Okay, so let me get this straight," Xion began in between sips of her drink. "A girl takes your pants, and you somehow didn't get her number?"

The loud slurping was driving me crazy as she sucked in the last dredges of her Frappuccino.

"It wasn't like that," I said exasperatedly, twiddling the straw of my own half empty drink. My stomach flipped nervously beneath Xion's incredulous stare.

"Please, Kairi, tell me what exactly it was like then." Xion tossed her cup in the nearest trashcan. I followed suit, watching my coffee spill over the large heap of food court wrappers and containers, suddenly wishing I could disappear beneath the garbage.

"Just a favor, I guess."

What was supposed to be a simple outing had turned into another interrogation. I had realized an annoying pattern was beginning to develop.

We were at the mall, on a shared day off from the Corndog Hut, that had conveniently fallen on a Saturday. The stars were aligned. Fate was on my side. We were blessed by a divine higher being granted this golden opportunity away from frozen wieners. I wasn't going to let a silly bout of questions ruin it. Nope. Not even if I had mentioned I needed a new pair of khakis. And definitely not after I had stupidly explained why I needed a new pair.

"Was she cute?" As expected, Xion latched on to the information like a lifeline and couldn't drop it.

I was beginning to feel the remnants of my overly caffeinated latte churning in my stomach.

"I mean…" I waved a hand pathetically. Xion's eyes narrowed.

"So, is that a yes?"

I felt my cheeks warm.

"Oh, that's definitely a yes," she snickered.

"It's not like that," I insisted. But the smirk just grew the more I insisted. "the girl was practically a mess. It was raining. I was just helping out."

"But she was cute."

"If you're into that," I muttered sheepishly.

"Into what? Being available."

"Xion."

"What? It's good to keep your options open, K."

"But I don't even want to have options to begin with," I whined.

"And Roxas?"

Oof.

Another hit below the belt. I was hoping she'd forgotten entirely about his existence at the mention of this new girl.

"What about Roxas?" I snapped, already becoming agitated.

"Is he still a viable option?

The question struck me harder than I wanted to admit. Because I truly didn't know how to answer and mean it. Was he even an option anymore?

I was pulled back to our last conversation. The sinking disappointment that weighed down on me as he had brushed me off. How could he have known?

I thought of the text I attempted to compose that day. I had decided I would text him I wasn't interested in any more dates. A short, succinct, straight to the point, text.

That was polite enough.

Unfortunately, I had spent hours, the entire afternoon, all night, figuring out what exactly to say. The more I had spent scrutinizing the empty text bubble the more the panicked dread hit me. Until finally, I had shut my phone off and stuffed it under my pillow, convinced if I ignored it long enough it would just magically disappear.

But its existence tormented me, feeling like a weight in the pocket of my jeans.

"Yeah, I don't think that's going to work out," I said weakly.

Xion stared at me expectantly. I huffed, feeling the blush rise in my face.

"He thinks I don't like him."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Do you like Roxas?"

The answer was raised before me, like a battered white flag of surrender. But the guilt ate at me, making me squirm away from her eyes. As if the closer she looked the easier she would uncover the confusion that was gnawing inside of me.

It wasn't a matter of liking Roxas or not. That was the least of my worries with this incoming problem. The real problem was letting someone in. Being vulnerable. I had felt my insides shrivel up. There was no way whatever was left would melt.

"I think I like the attention," I admitted.

Xion's steps slowed, making me come to a stop.

"What?"

"It's not that complicated Kairi. You like the guy or not. Why can't you give me a straight answer?"

I opened my mouth, but she cut in.

"Ah, ah, no bi jokes. I'm serious."

"You're so annoying."

Xion giggled, lacing her arm with mine. "I know. It's fine, I'll let you off the hook easy for now. But, don't think I'm not going to get an answer out of you eventually. Now, let's go get your pants. And don't let your girlfriend steal these too."

"Ha, ha," I muttered sardonically.

.

.

.

I was – distracted.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, Xion's questions had seriously put a damper on my blessed, fated, shared day off from the frozen wieners. My thoughts kept straying to the text message I had never sent.

It had been a day and a half without formulating a response. One that I had personally said I would give Roxas and yet – radio silence.

Was that rude?

Shit.

That was rude.

Very, very, deplorably rude.

Who was I?

A terrible person.

I fished for my phone, swiping it unlocked and opened the message thread. Sifting through the short-lived texts before our very first date.

Another wave of guilt began to brew in the pit of my stomach, as I scanned through the stilted conversation. Even then, I had been incredibly distant and closed off.

I winced, sliding open the keyboard.

Okay. Where to begin?

Hi, Roxas, sorry can't date you.

Roxas, this is awkward but I'm practically undateable…lmao

It's me, not you.

Single vibes only.

Dear Roxas, please accept this message as my formal rejection from the position of potential girlfriend.

How hard was it to send a damn text message?

Wasn't this my area of expertise?

Hadn't I gone to school for the sole purpose of being able to articulate myself in the English language?

Type. Delete. Retype.

I glared down at my drafts – which had become an exhaustive list of potential responses.

It was either the bumbling idiot or patronizing 85-year-old grandma.

Boomer it is, I thought with a wince.

This was fine.

Everything was fine.

"Kairi?"

I blinked, suddenly remembering myself.

Right. Mall. Xion. Blessed and fated day off. No frozen wieners.

Xion was watching me curiously.

She was in the middle of trying out a new outfit, and had been waiting for my opinion.

"Did you just sign your life away or something?" Xion asked, nodding towards the phone in my hand.

"No, nothing like that." I slid it back into my pocket, but not before purging the entire text thread with Roxas into oblivion.

"You sure?"

"I like that top." I changed the subject quickly, gesturing towards her. That was enough of a distraction. Xion spun to face the nearest mirror. She fluffed at the ruffled collar, then tugged down at the hem.

"Really? I look like my mom."

"That's a bad thing?"

Xion sighed, turning around, inspecting herself more closely. "I guess not. I keep having to remind myself it's a job interview, not a date."

Right.

Another damper to this super fun, super blessed outing. The real reason we were here at the mall. Xion was on the hunt for a new outfit for her job interview.

I felt the smile slip from my face. I didn't like thinking about the day Xion would finally leave the Corndog Hut. Things were changing. I was starting to gain my footing– somewhat – in this back and forth with Xion, with work, with life. And now, things were changing so rapidly, that even just the mere thought of the future was dizzying and sickening.

It almost felt like a rite of passage I was missing out on. An entirely new era into adulthood I was supposed to be embracing. But I had been desperately falling short.

Xion was leaving. Roxas was here. Everything was so jumbled, and I still felt like I hadn't been given the chance to grasp reality properly.

I wasn't the same anymore. I knew that. But then – maybe I had always been a bit different. A bit off. Wrong. There was something that didn't fit correctly. Like I had been molded by some other kind of material from everybody else, though it looked nearly identical. But it wasn't as sturdy. It wasn't as strong. It was always susceptible to wear and tear, twice as likely to become rusted and torn.

Broken.

I hid my sinking mood carefully, sliding behind a reassuring smile, as we waited at the checkout line. I even made sure to give an encouraging comment, as Xion second guessed the "mom" top, when she was rung up.

Maybe this was what my life would be, watching everyone leave.

Everyone does leave, eventually.

I was slipping back into a rut of depressive ruminating, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't keep up the fake smile, and carefree attitude. I didn't think it was ever that convincing. Especially not to Xion, who could probably read me better than anybody.

But even this, I never spoke about. Not directly. It was really no secret I had become a walking blob of negativity, whining about this or that. It had become second nature over the years, especially after the break up.

But I didn't think she knew how deeply rooted the fear of abandonment had become. How much it sank its claws inside and ingrained itself, like a second skin.

Breakups were devastating.

Losing all your friends in a matter of moments – well - that was an entirely different story.

Xion stopped so abruptly, I nearly bumped into her. For an awful moment, I worried she sensed my spiraling.

Here it comes, I thought. My daily dose of Xion bitch slapping sense into me.

I held my breath, waiting for the tirade, but –

"Why don't we go in here?" Xion blurted out, body rigid, eyes wide.

"What -," But the question died in my throat the moment I looked up, and noticed what exactly she was gaping at. Who, rather.

I felt the blood drain from my face.

Xion latched onto my arm tightly and yanked me towards the entrance of the nearest store. Bath and Body Works.

We would've gotten away with the smooth escape plan if Xion hadn't tripped over the display stand on the way in, knocking over an entire row of candles. The glasses shattered across the floor, half broken jars jettisoned across the walkway.

One had rolled to a slow stop against a pair of sneakers I recognized. And I knew, our cover had been blown.

"Hey!" Xion greeted, with a quick recovery I was almost jealous of. The store employees shooed us away, with dirty looks. And I watched wearily as they began to sweep up the mess.

Oh to be a piece of glass to be swept up out of here.

A fleeting thought that faded away when I finally turned to greet the source of our panic.

"Riku!" Xion exclaimed. "Fancy seeing you here."

Riku. The best friend. Right hand man. Partner in crime. Or however many different aliases Sora used to come up with.

Not mine. Of course not. Never mine.

But, at one point, even I would've considered him a close friend. We'd known each other since the second grade. Before all the stressful college midterms, awkward high school drama, back when things had been as simple as innocently sharing crayons because we both loved blue.

Things have a silly way of taking a complete and utter shitty nosedive.

Riku nudged the broken candle jar by his foot.

"Still as clumsy as ever, huh, Xion?"

A nervous laugh escaped her throat. "An accident. Those display shelves are a hazard."

Riku quirked his lip, as if holding back a smile.

But his expression turned sheepish when he met my gaze. And I was hit with a sudden wave of bittersweet nostalgia. Which may have been worse than the depressive ruminating.

"Hey, Kairi." Even the way my name sounded was filled with an agonizing urge to reminisce. The onslaught of memories were harsh and painful. The most recent ones, a fresh unrelenting sting. But the happier ones, the warm ones, the ones that often snuck up on me in the middle of the night – those ached dully deep in my chest.

And I wasn't sure which felt worse.

"Hey," I answered feebly. He regarded me silently. It was like he'd cracked open my head and decided to peer inside, thumb through the memories like a stack of cards.

He turned back to Xion.

"So, you guys been busy?"

Xion's eyes slid over to me furtively. Was I making a face?

Probably. Most likely.

I was going to be sick.

"Oh yeah, for sure. Coping with the mind-numbing existential crisis that is graduating with no prospects, a terrible economy, and crippling depression. You know, just girly things."

Riku chuckled. "Right. I get it."

Do you?

"I'm actually doing double shifts at Starbucks off Main Street."

I made a mental note to never go anywhere near that establishment again.

"That sucks."

"I suppose it's my fault for majoring in Psychology."

Xion cackled at this. "Try majoring in Anthropology."

Riku winced.

If these had been normal circumstances, I would've chimed in any second. Discounted both of their comments with the biggest insult. Who the heck majored in English? But the words were stale in my head and would have tasted far too bitter rolling off my tongue.

The two had fallen into a conversation I couldn't follow along. I couldn't bring myself to interrupt the pretty picture they made. It was almost funny, if I pretended hard enough, this could've been a casual meeting years ago.

I took the time to look over Riku, as he was distracted with Xion.

He looked the same. If anything, probably bulkier. But that could because of the same cut off shirts he apparently still insisted on wearing. But that was to be expected. Riku practically used to live in the gym.

Some things never change, I thought.

Nausea rolled through me, the more I stared.

What was he doing here?

I'd assumed they all moved out of the city. Far, far away after college. Off on new adventures, far away from me.

If Riku was here roaming the local malls the chances of running into everyone else suddenly skyrocketed.

Oh, god, I definitely was going to be sick.

Xion nudged my arm, drawing my attention. Riku was speaking to me again. I blinked, trying to rearrange my scrambled focus.

"Sorry, what was that?

Riku paled, averting his gaze. I realized belatedly that he seemed nervous. I should have taken that as a sign to shift back into autopilot.

"They – uh – they miss you. We all do," Riku murmured quietly.

I felt something twist inside me. He didn't have to elaborate. I knew who he was talking about. But even with the lack of names, I still felt the cold chill grip my chest in a tight chokehold.

I inhaled sharply, looking away immediately. Down to my shoes, to the shiny linoleum, to the crowds of people walking by us. I was squandering beneath this attention. My face was hot, burning like a bright spotlight where everyone could see this, me. The meltdown I could feel bubbling beneath the surface.

I blinked rapidly, pushing away the sting and blurriness.

"Oh." I had hoped my voice wasn't shaky. But it felt thick as I tried to push the simple sound past my throat.

NO don't do this. Not now. Not in front of him. Please not now.

Suddenly, an arm looped through mine. My eyes flew to Xion, whose expression was arctic.

"Well, they can tell her that themselves," Xion cut in sharply.

Riku startled, as if surprised with Xion's response. But then he grins almost apologetically.

"You're right. Sorry."

It was awkward for a few moments, until Riku finally offered a short goodbye that really felt like it didn't come fast enough.

I let out a heavy sigh, leaning back against the guardrail. The rising panic slowly deflated, as we watched his retreating form.

"The nerve of that guy," Xion scoffed.

I said nothing.

"I can't believe he actually cut his hair," she continued.

"His one true beauty," I muttered.

Xion laughed, leaning in next to me. "Always with the jokes."

"I try."

She knocked her elbow with mine. "What would I do without you?"

You'd be Happier, I thought darkly, you'd actually have friends.

.

.

.

It was going to be another one of those nights. The kind that the self-loathing held me in a vice grip it's fingertips tight, choking and unrelenting.

My hands itched to scroll through my phone, flip through all of the blocked accounts I couldn't bring myself to keep blocked. It had been over a week since my last self-deprecating sleuthing session. A personal record. I could feel the withdrawal symptoms eating away at me the longer I lay there with my phone within arm's reach. I told Xion everything. Except for this. I was afraid of the judgement but worse. I was dreading the pity.

Xion was tired of me. I could sense it. Every held back sigh, every purse of the lips. They all filled my head with even more doubt.

How fucked up had I become that I didn't even know how to be a proper friend anymore? I was a burden. I was holding her back, probably even more so than my own self sabotage.

It's a disorienting feeling realizing that you are the leech, sucking everything good out of everyone near anyone.

It was a losing battle.

I swiped open my phone, already half way mentally buried in whatever I'd find in those social media apps. Except I never quite made it to the first app.

As soon as the Lock Screen faded away, I was met with the forgotten attempt at a text to Roxas. I had neglected it all day, hoping the residual guilt would disappear along with the responsibility of having to deal with it. But it was persistent and heavy. A weight that just wouldn't go away.

No matter how much I tried to deny it.

I watched the blinking text marker, deliberating.

I couldn't control anything. Not Xion leaving. Not potential run ins with ex friends. Not even the way the fragile spark of hope would flicker every time I glanced down at Roxas's name.

I was exhausted. I hadn't realized how weary the years had made me. How tiring it was to remain so overly cautious, so hesitant, so doubtful. What a strain it caused on my listless heart.

Maybe it was foolish to open this can of worms. Especially after I had resigned myself to living out the rest of my life as a spinster. Determined, even.

And yet, it seemed my tired heart demanded something else. Something easier. Something not so tainted in my own misery. A chance.

I sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled soundly, before typing.

Hey.

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A/N: At this rate, expect yearly updates. I'm kidding. I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this story. If you are great, if you're not...also great. I'm going to try to be more consistent with things. Everytime I dip my toes back on ff, I seem to forget the format?

Anyway, this has been one of my resolutions for the year. You know - remembering I'm a writer. Remembering to do writer things, like, actually write.

This is also up on AO3, too by the way.