"Don't fall in love with me. I hold within me a hundred prayers.
My soul sings the lament of the damned. I am my own purgatory. I design my own hell."
Nessie Q, I'm Sorry. I Know It's Too Late... But This is How I Loved You
CHAPTER THREE: HAUNTED
CPOV
I stood watching her from my hidden spot amongst the trees. She sat in the truck for a long while, before finally pushing open the door and stepping out. Even from this distance, I could hear her heartbeat pounding, her breaths shallow and quick. Her blood rushed through her veins, and her scent... her sweet, sweet scent...
It almost brought me to my knees.
"Bella."
Her name escaped my lips, like a release, an ache. Only others of my kind would have heard it. My eyes followed her as she took a few steps, her eyes locked onto the house. She was unsure; half bracing herself to charge in, half ready to flee.
Venom pooled in my mouth. I swallowed. The familiar, pulsating ache that I had come to know so intimately over the past year, rose up inside me. I berated myself savagely as I felt myself grow hard, and felt sinful desires flooding my every pore.
I closed my eyes. Without even realising it, I crushed the tree branch I had been holding onto with a vice-like grip, and I tried with increased fervour to still my body's reaction to being so close to her.
It took everything I had to stay there, and not bolt over to her like a lightning strike, taking her face in my hands, kissing her, claiming her body with mine.
Damned. I am damned. Curse me and send me to Hell for this, my thoughts taunted me.
My eyes snapped open. She was calling my name.
In my internal quandary, I had missed her walk to the door, and knock. She was knocking repeatedly, and calling my name, more and more desperately.
"Carlisle! Carlisle! Please, I need to see you. I need to talk."
She needs me.
Don't you dare.
Don't you even...
Every instinct in me was screaming to go to her. I had to get a handle on myself. I had done it before, multiple times. I could do it again. I closed my eyes again, her voice transporting me back, back, back, to when I first laid eyes on Isabella Swan...
Her scent hit me the second I pushed through the hospital doors.
"I heard the chief's daughter was here," I heard myself say, but my mind had detached itself from my body entirely, focused on one thing and one thing only.
The most delicious, intoxicating scent I had ever experienced.
In retrospect I was eternally thankful for my years of restraint, my ability to work on autopilot and keep myself visually human, visually calm, even when I wasn't. I exchanged pleasantries with Charlie, and moved around him to come face to face with... her.
How I got through the examination, I will never know. Utilising every muscle of control I had, I hurriedly moved through checking her vitals, checking her over and giving her my advice. Her name fell off my tongue like honey. I was calm and collected on the surface, but underneath, I was chaos. Mess. I was drowning. Drowning in her delicious scent, her immeasurable beauty, the glorious sound of her blood pumping, her bottomless chocolate brown eyes, which widened when she first took sight of me and drank me in.
I scribbled something in my notes, desperate to extract myself from the room before I did something I regretted...
Like taking her face in my hands, pressing my lips to hers, pulling her in for a deep, erotic kiss, fisting her hair, pressing my need against her, lying her down on the hospital bed and shredding all of her clothes...
"Worse... Edward... there..."
I snapped back to my senses and realised she was speaking to me, and about Edward, no less. My vampiric senses allowed me to run all of her words back in my mind, despite the fact I had not been paying full attention.
"It would have been a lot worse if Edward hadn't been there. He knocked me out of the way."
I frowned into my notes, teeth still partially sunk into my cheek to stop myself from losing control and giving into that glorious scent. Charlie was replying and looking at me.
"Edward? Your boy?"
"Yeah, it was amazing," Bella was saying. "He got to me so fast. He was nowhere near me."
A flicker of concern escaped my features. Normally I would have betrayed nothing, but I was still a ball of burning chaos inside, my senses overwhelmed.
"Sounds like you were very lucky,' I replied quickly, risking a look back up into her beautiful, beautiful eyes that I knew would pull me under again. Unable to help myself, I threw her a dazzling smile.
I moved off as fast as I could, speaking briefly to Charlie before making my escape. I sensed Edward and Rosalie nearby; I couldn't risk being in their presence, not yet. I darted into an empty room before Edward could catch sight of me and know I was there, and think to tune into to my thoughts. Their voices drifted into my range of hearing... thankfully he was too distracted by Rosalie to be seeking me out; she sounded thoroughly mad at him.
I realised, with a sickening horror, that this was the girl he had come home and talked endlessly about. The girl whose blood sang to him. The girl he had to escape to Alaska from, for an entire week, to get his instincts under control, so strong was the need for her blood. The girl he was obsessed with. The girl he had... we had... hoped he might love.
I sank to the floor, shaking, and groaned in despair.
She sang to me also, but in an entirely different way. I was not overwhelmed by a frenzied desire to drink her blood. Her scent was not a pull to sink my teeth into her skin and drain her dry.
It was a different desire, a different pull, altogether.
One I had only heard stories about.
One I had seen glimpses of, between Emmett and Rosalie, and Alice and Jasper.
One I had yearned to ignite between Esme and I, though it never had surfaced.
One that was ruining me this very moment, haunting my bones, intoxicating me, awakening thoughts and desires I never even knew I had possessed.
The love, the mate, the eternal soul companion I had longed for... was finally here, after almost four centuries of yearning for that completion.
Every pore, every cell, every drop of venom, every sinew, every nerve ending, felt like it was on fire inside me, pulsating through me with an insistent demand that I go back in that room and claim her this very minute.
And yet I could not.
It would break him.
It would break all of us.
There had been many times in my life when I had contemplated my existence, this way of life. The fact that my soul was damned.
And surely, it was.
What other explanation could there be, for me to have to endure this cruel twist of fate?
I knew what I had to do. I steadied my breathing, I used all of my centuries of skill and control to bring my body back to myself. I calmed my mind. I carefully tucked all of my thoughts away, where Edward couldn't find them.
I stood, straightened out my medical coat, and was Carlisle again. Cool, calm, controlled.
I walked out of the room and into the middle of a heated discussion between Edward and Rosalie.
I trembled as the memory moved through me. Bella had moved away from the house now, her eyes scanning the trees. She knew I would not be far; I had told her as much the previous night. I knew I would have to reveal myself. I knew I would have to navigate her questions. About where the others were, about why I was here. Alone.
The fact of the matter sent a fresh wave of guilt and grief through me, and I took a steadying breath.
"Stop being a coward," I muttered to myself.
She was whirling about, looking for me. Her face looked... haunted. Lost. The panic she must have felt when Edward left her... it was closing in on her all over again.
I would not let her go through that, not ever again.
I fought down the desires that curled their way through my veins. Cool, calm, controlled. I put a steady smile on my face, and stepped out of the tree line to greet her.
xxx
BPOV
He had to be here somewhere, I knew he did. Even if he was off somewhere hunting, he would know I was here. He would hear me, smell me.
It had taken me forever to even get out of the truck. Arriving here and seeing their home all over again... it had been more impactful than I had feared. It looked hauntingly empty, even though I knew Carlisle must be staying here, temporarily or otherwise.
As I tentatively had knocked on the door, as I had called his name, as I had become increasingly desperate to hear his reply, see his face... I could feel that creeping fear encompassing me all over again. Had Jacob not witnessed him, I would have thought I had imagined him, that it had all been a dream.
I scanned the tree line for a glimpse of him. Nothing.
I whirled, as my mind whirled.
Then, I felt it.
Like a warm, fizzing, blissful rush of liquid gold rising up into my core. Tingles went through me, wave after wave.
He was here.
I turned back to the tree line, utterly bewildered and betrayed by my own body.
I saw movement flash, and then he was in front of me, calm smile on his face, the one that did not quite reach his eyes.
"Bella," he said warmly. So gentle. So kind. So... Carlisle.
My mind lost all thought, and my mouth lost all words. I stood there, gaping at him, forgetting every question that had been in my head and on my tongue.
"You wanted to talk?" he said, after several moments of silence. I closed my mouth, and simply looked at him.
"I heard your calls, at the door," he added, hoping that might prompt me.
I swallowed. Nodded.
Get a grip of yourself, Bella Swan!
He took my arm gently and steered me towards the house. "Let's go inside," he suggested, allowing me more time to compose myself.
Questions came thundering back into my brain like a steam train.
Where is everyone else?
Why aren't they here?
Why did you come back?
Why didn't they?
Why I am feeling these... things?
Why do I feel like my entire body and soul is being called to you?
Why am I suddenly in your orbit, and yours alone?
Why does it ache so?
And it does ache, so very much...
I blinked. We were inside, stood in the living area. Echoes of Edward, everywhere. I felt haunted, and shivered.
"Can I get you anything?" Carlisle asked. "I got a few things in, in preparation. I thought you would probably... have questions for me."
I nodded, still mute.
"Coffee? Food?"
I shook my head. Still mute.
Talk, Bella, for the love of God. Open your damned mouth and speak!
"Thank you, I've eaten," I finally managed. Carlisle looked at me awkwardly, then moved us towards the sofa. We sat.
More silence.
"Bella..." he began, but I interrupted him, everything suddenly flooding up into my mouth at once.
"Why did you come back, Carlisle?"
The words burst out of me in a breathy sob.
"Why did you come back and no one else? Why not Alice, if she thought she saw me die? Why is no one with you? Where have you been? Why? Oh God, why did you all go..."
I inwardly cursed as I could not stop the tears. Carlisle's arms were around me at once, trying to soothe me. My sobbing intensified; his embrace was just too much.
"Bella," he pleaded, though to what end I did not know.
"I'm sorry," I cried, alternating between wails and sniffs, "I just missed you all so much. It was like a darkness descended on me when you left. When Edward... told me those things. I was lost. Nothing existed anymore. There was just loss, a gaping black hole, where you all should have been."
Carlisle closed his eyes against the pain my words were clearly causing him. I clung to him, my tears soaking his shirt.
"But you came back," I continued. I sounded bloody delirious. "You came back. Thank you. Thank you..."
"Bella..."
He didn't seem capable of saying more than my name. This time it sounded like a plea, a desperate plea, to stop him from falling into some kind of invisible abyss. I felt the same.
His fingers were stroking my face, wiping away the tears.
I took a heaving breath and steadied myself.
"This is all my fault," he muttered. "Forgive me, Isabella."
"Stop it!" I all but shouted at him. 'It's not your fault. Not one bit."
I blinked.
"Do they even know you are here?" I asked, eventually. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.
He shifted uncomfortably.
"Alice knows. And probably Jasper, though not before I left. I was with her when she had the vision of you jumping."
He looked bereft. I could barely make out his next words, they were whispered so softly.
"She begged me not to come, but how could I not?"
"Why didn't she want you to come?"
A shockwave of pain shot through me. "Doesn't she care about me anymore?"
"Of course she does!" Carlisle said fiercely, seizing my hands. "She loves you dearly, Isabella, she misses you so very much."
"Then why...?"
I couldn't grasp any sense or understanding of this. Fresh tears fell from my eyes. He brushed them away, tenderly.
He looked down, and sighed.
"It is so hard to explain, Bella. And... painful."
I squeezed his hands, hoping he could find it in himself to tell me.
"Is it because of Edward?"
"In a way, yes. He forbade us from contacting you, from coming back. He felt it best that we leave you for good, that you would be safest if we never saw or interacted with you again."
My heart died a little.
"He only did what he thought would keep you safe, and alive. That is all he ever wanted for you. A life, well lived."
"But he never considered what I wanted," I protested. "What good is a life if it is shattered? Bereft? How could he bring me into your world, then wrench you all away from me so cruelly, as if you never existed? No one to talk to, who could possibly understand?"
Carlisle appeared to be wrestling with some inner demons before he spoke again. His eyes had turned hard, and their beautiful golden hue was darkening. When he looked up, he looked more vampirish than I had ever seen before, and it sent thrills through me.
"I told him he was wrong. I told him you had your own mind, that it would hurt you beyond measure..." he said, struggling to get his words out. This was not like Carlisle, to be so... emotionally overwhelmed.
"But he would not hear of it. His mind was set, and that was that."
He swallowed. "Esme sided with him, she always does. Anything to keep the family together and happy."
I raised an eyebrow at how bitterly he spoke those words.
"Rosalie of course agreed, and Emmett does as Rose does. Alice and Jasper were reluctant, but Alice loves our family, and the thought of it breaking apart..."
He trailed off momentarily. "That was a distinct possibility, when we first left."
I took a surprised breath in.
"You were willing to go against his wishes?" I asked, needing his confirmation. Eventually, he gave me a small nod. My heart soared.
"But no one sided with you, so you went with them."
"To my eternal regret. I should have listened to my gut instinct. It would perhaps have saved you at least some of this pain..."
I curled myself into his arms, then, and he held me, sighing against my hair. I had so many more questions, and there was still so much more for him to tell. But we sat there entangled, in silent agreement, that we had spoken enough words for now. I needed to process this first. Edward's callous actions, no matter how well intended he had thought them to be... and Carlisle's unending care and compassion.
Exhausted, I fell asleep in his arms.
Thank you for the reviews so far! Yes, I will be continuing, it will be a multi chapter story and I will see it through to the end. Just to note, this won't be a direct expansion of True Mate – I may do a sequel to that at some point, if inspiration strikes – this one begins in the same way, but that story was a quick and juicy two-shot – for this, I wanted to explore a slower build up to their relationship and fully explore the pull between mates, tempered by their personalities and experiences.
Please do let me know what you think. Are you ready to find out more about why Carlisle is alone, and what has happened to the other Cullens?