"If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day,

nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens.

We must partake of the bitter with the sweet.

There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day.

They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

~ James E. Faust

CHAPTER SIX: PURGE

CPOV

Nothing could sate me. Nothing.

After she had gone... after I had forced her to go, breaking everything inside of me, I had run, and run, and run. If it hadn't been for the thirst, I think I might have kept running all the way to Alaska. Now, I was feeding from a bear with a frenzy I had never known before, not even at the very beginning. It was the fifth animal I had brought down within the hour, and still I thirsted. It felt like nothing would ever be enough. It burned, not just in my throat, but everywhere.

I pushed myself up from the remains of the huge animal, my face wet with blood, slicked crimson over the drying, crusted layers of my previous kills. I was in no doubt that I presently looked like the monster I felt I was right now.

The burning frenzy began to couple with the bubbling anguish that was rising inside of me, and it all came rushing out in a wild, unbridled rage. I railed against tree and rock, smashing everything around me into oblivion. Finally I sank down onto the frozen ground, pressing my face into coldness and ice, though I felt nothing on my frozen skin. I just wanted to sink into the empty embrace of nothingness and let it disintegrate me.

Time passed, and finally, I slowly came back to myself. Venom pooled in my eyes, and I pushed myself up off the ground, my chest heaving with the emotion I was unable to properly release out with tears.

Guilt rose up for having pushed her away. I hadn't intended to, but so much had rushed to the surface after... after I saw that look in her eyes. After her scent wafted up and hit my nostrils. After I knew that the pull had awakened inside of her, too.

God forgive me, I had thought that lusty, primal scent pouring off her would send me over the edge completely.

I had sent her away for her own safety, for I did not know in that moment if I could control myself enough to not hurt her badly, or worse. The minute I was satisfied that she was gone, I had let myself run wild, as far as I could possibly run, putting as much distance between us as I could, until all the feelings I had been pushing down for months and months had exploded out of me and I knew I could safely be around her again.

It had been the right decision. So dearly had I wanted to claim her right there and then, but given the number of animals I had ripped the throat out of in the last sixty minutes, I could not be sure I wouldn't have gone too far with her... or worse. At the very least, I would have been far more rough and feral than she deserved, for our first coupling.

Our first coupling.

I was finally giving into it, then.

How could I not. I had been an utter fool. I knew how this worked. There is no fighting the pull between mates. You might as well fight the rising of the sun, or the orbit of the planets.

In trying so desperately hard to keep my family from pain, I had caused worse pain. For all of us. All because of fear.

Fear of hurt. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. Fear of causing irreparable damage. Fear of finally having the connection I had longed my entire life for... because I had feared I did not deserve it. Because of what I was, and what I had done, condemning Edward, Rosalie and Emmett to this life. Life as this... thing.

And yet never, not once, had she ever seen us... me... as anything other than incredible. Special. Beautiful.

Sometimes I wondered if she possessed more wisdom and beauty in her 18-year-old soul than any of our combined years, human and immortal.

I picked myself up, and began to walk back in the direction of Forks. I would resume running at vampire speed shortly, but for now, I need to just pace evenly, allowing my body to fully calm, and to process everything that had just come out of me in sweet release, so that I could return to her.

My Bella. My Isabella. My mate, love, my heart, my soul mate, my everything.

And this time, I would tell her everything. Give her everything.

Every deepest part of me, was hers.

xxx

EPOV

She drank long and forcefully from the downed mountain lion. It was the third one in as many days. I was starting to worry that she might give up our... vegetarian... lifestyle, altogether. But then I realised that it wasn't an increased thirst that she couldn't sate. It was a form of venting. Taking out all of her anger. Anger that she wanted to take out on him.

I sighed heavily, leaning back against the tree that I was perched in, high above the ground. Esme ceased feeding and looked up at me, a single trickle of blood falling from her lips. Her eyes were still as empty as the day we had left. She looked away, and walked back towards the house we were temporarily making use of.

The rain started after a few minutes, increasing in intensity as the thunder rumbled over. I made no effort to shelter myself; I relished the sound and feel of it. Imagined it washing away my sins.

As if that could actually be possible.

My thoughts returned to Esme. Much as I wanted to lay all of the blame at Carlisle's door, it wouldn't have been exactly fair. The anger might have all been for him, but the emptiness... that was more. She missed the family. Missed us all being together.

In all honesty, I felt a little the same. There was guilt for me, too. Guilt for my part in it, guilt for the way things played out, guilt for the way Esme discovered the truth. As if this miserable existence could get any more visceral... but it had, now that I had saddled myself with all of this extra... wretchedness.

Unconsciously I started running my fingers through my hair, clenching my jaw. I knew where this was leading. To where this always led. To the memories that haunted me, every day since their occurrence.

It had been a full week since our move to Ithaca from Forks. Bella's absence was weighing heavy inside of me, every day, and as always, I tried to temper it with the knowledge that she would soon be returning to some semblance of a normal human life.

The house was ridiculously quiet. Everyone was walking around on eggshells. Even Rosalie and Emmett had ceased their usual arguments and banter.

All because of him.

No one could understand it. No one could figure out why Carlisle was taking this move so badly. He had told them that he didn't feel it an "ethical" decision to have left Bella the way that we did, and kept the explanation to that. He kept himself to himself, silently getting on with the work that needed doing on our new home. But everyone could sense the change in him. The tension. The unsettling pain.

I had similar waves of emotion coming off me; but they had expected that. Carlisle was a mystery to them, a puzzle that could not be solved, for he was making very sure that no one would figure it out. He blocked out his thoughts, ensuring I was not privy to anything he was thinking; he kept his emotions in check as much as possible, when Jasper was around, though the pain did seep out daily; he switched up his decisions, his thoughts, his every action, to keep Alice from having any visions that he might cause.

The worst block he put up, however, was with Esme.

She knew something was wrong. She wanted so badly to comfort him in some way, but had no idea where to start. Wanted him to confide in her, but he refused and put up walls. He was scared of hurting her, and didn't know how to find a way through this. That much I had been able to discern from his mind, but nothing else.

The irony was, he didn't want to hurt her, but by hiding from her, he was doing that very thing. And he knew it. And it hurt him deeper still.

He and I had not spoken since our... altercation. I was still in some kind of shock about that. About how far I let my rage take me. A red mist of possessiveness, jealousy, and desperation had overtaken my mind that day. And the guilt of what I had done was beginning to gnaw away at me. Another building block to add to my ever growing tower of hatred for my very existence.

"Carlisle."

I stood at the entrance to his new study. He had his back to me, his hands in his trouser pockets, as he gazed morosely out of the window.

"Edward."

It was an acknowledgement, nothing more. But I pressed on nonetheless.

"Look, I'm supposed to be the angsty emo boy around here," I said, trying to lighten his mood, and failing miserably. I was rewarded with a stony silence. For a moment, a crushing realisation gripped my chest. One that had me fearing that I had pushed him too far. That this man, the father of our family, my longest, dearest companion, who had only ever shown me the deepest kindness, might not forgive me.

Yet, at the same time, my rage, my desperate need for us to leave Bella alone... those things also kept me from being able to forgive him.

"Look, Carlisle... about the things I said. I... I know I went too far. I'm sorry," I offered. I wanted to give him more, but I couldn't.

He shifted slightly, then inclined his head, half glancing around at me. He nodded, then resumed his previous pose, staring out of the window.

"I mean it."

He sighed.

~ I know, Edward. ~

He couldn't even bring himself to speak out loud to me, choosing instead to insert his thoughts directly into my mind. I tried again.

"I was scared, alright? Leaving Bella was the only option, and you were a threat to that. I knew I had to force your hand and it all came out... harsher... a lot harsher, than I intended."

Carlisle pursed his lips, a soft growl slipping from him. It was reigned in so fast, I wondered for a moment if I had imagined it.

~ Is that all? ~

His dismissive tone made the anger start bubbling up inside me again, so I turned on my heel and walked away, seeking out the company of the others.

Alice and Esme were sat in the living room. Alice looked haunted; I knew she was still missing Bella desperately and was beside herself with not being allowed to seek her out in visions. I felt the guilt rise up again for causing her current state of discomfort, but I told myself that, as it would for Bella, all this would pass.

Jasper came into the room, gave me a wary glance, threw an anguished look at Alice, then made his way upstairs. I closed my eyes briefly; he still blamed himself. But in truth, I had been planning this long before the debacle that was Bella's birthday surprise. It had been in and out of my head all along, but really, I had wanted to do it right back when she was lying in hospital. I had tested her reaction, and it hadn't been good. Leaving then would have been a cruelty, while she was in that state. But I had pretty much made up my mind, even then.

Esme looked up suddenly from the interior design magazines she was desperately trying to distract herself with, her eyes lighting up a little. Carlisle walked into the room behind me, carrying some books. Alice and I glanced between them, hopeful.

"Carlisle, walk with me?" she asked. He barely even saw her as he replied with his rote response.

"Not now, Esme. I'm busy."

He disappeared into another part of the house, the light went back out of Esme's eyes, and I wondered then, for all the good that I was convinced this had done Bella, what evils had I done to my own family?

My reverie of memory was broken as my cell buzzed. I looked down, taking the device into my hand at once. But it was only a travel update from Emmett. He and Rosalie were currently in Scandinavia, enjoying the quiet freedoms of its bleak wilderness.

It had been not long after that day when I attempted to reconcile with Carlisle, that they decided to up and leave us, until things became more... settled. Their leaving struck another nail into our proverbial family coffin. Esme had withdrawn a little more more. Jasper had bedded in with a little more guilt. And Alice had lost a little more of her joy. Carlisle and I remained impassive to all of it, like silent satellites orbiting a dying star.

They returned to us regularly, but weeks later, events would take a further turn for the worse, driving them away indefinitely.

I squeezed the cell phone in frustration. I had been hoping the message would be from Alice. She was meant to be keeping tabs on Carlisle for me, sending me regular assurances that all was well at home. But I hadn't heard from her in several days, and she hadn't responded to my calls. Something wasn't right, I knew it. Had he... had he gone back for Bella? That possibility had been the height of my concern, ever since Esme and I had departed from the house in Ithaca. That had been my one reluctance to leave; without me there to stop him, I was gripped with the niggling fear that the bond between them would eventually be too strong for him to resist.

I snarled with deeper frustration. Alice had been silent for too long. It was time for me to drop by and pay them a visit.

Almost immediately, I changed my mind, heading swiftly for the house to make explanations to Esme. I considered going north, then east, then travelling about to hunt.

Everything I could do to keep Alice from seeing my arrival, I did it. She could not see my return coming. I had to read her unfiltered mind, I had to know everything.

I kept a thousand possible decisions playing through my brain, while I simultaneously made the preparations necessary to leave for Ithaca.

xxx

CPOV

The wind was picking up as I paced the wilderness. Thoughts and memories had been filtering through me, rising to the surface for me to finally process them, without pushing them away. I finally felt like I was getting closer to a state of mind where I could freely let go and run all the way back to her, to her waiting arms.

Bella. Bella. Bella.

Her name reverberating in my head made me almost dizzy with need.

Isabella.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, pausing to reach out and lean against a tree, seeking inner balance.

Instead, the action brought me visions, and took me down onto my knees.

I could feel the rage building inside of me, even as Edward began the ascent to where I stood. He was encroaching on my private space, the beautiful rise where I liked to watch the sun come up, reminding me of the light she had shone upon me. His audacity made me clench my fists, grit my teeth, swallow down the need to punch him halfway across state.

The others were all back at the house. Emmett and Rose were back, temporarily of course, as had become their habit now. It brought a little light to Alice and Esme, at least, to have the family reunited for a time.

He was almost at the summit. I put my feelings back inside the inner box I had so carefully crafted for them, and locked them away safely with a slight pang of regret.

"Edward."

I did not look up as I acknowledged his presence. I felt him hesitate behind me, then walk to stand at my side. We stood there for a long while, watching the sun come up.

Her sun. She was my sun.

We had managed to be civil to each other, for these past weeks. The animosity had eased a little. We had fallen into a sort of truce, we no longer growled and bristled at one another, when no one was watching.

But of late, a growing unease had taken hold of me. I don't know how I knew it, but Bella was fading. He was wrong, so wrong. She would not be better off without us. It would be the opposite. I could feel it.

Finally, I could stand it no longer.

"We have to go back," I said.

'What? No. We've discussed this, Carlisle. We leave Bella alone."

"How can you so easily leave her to an unknown fate, Edward?" I pleaded. "How is that love?"

"Don't you dare question my love for her!" came the snarling rebuke.

"What if she needs us? What if..."

"I've told you, Alice is keeping her eye on Victoria. I trust Alice"

"I'm not talking about Victoria. What if we destroyed her by leaving? What if she can't forget?"

Our argument continued back and forth, until I finally snapped.

"Look, Edward, I am being completely honest with you. I don't feel right about this. Something is wrong. I can feel it. I feel it in my very being... I..."

"Oh," he said, softly, a crooked smile crossing his lips. "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Forgive me. I don't have the magical mate bond with her, do I, but apparently you do, so that makes you expert 101 on Bella Swan."

I threw him a pained gaze.

"This is not a joke, Edward. It is not some petty game. It is Bella's life we are dealing with."

"I know damn well what it is, Carlisle. And yet you choose to taunt me with this... thing you feel. Pushing it in my face. Using it to twist things."

"I am twisting nothing, believe me."

"Oh really? Come on then, tell me all about it. What does it feel like, the pull? Does it hurt you to be apart from her? Does she feel it? Can you tell that?"

I gritted my teeth, snarled, and looked away from him. He shoved me.

"Does she feel the ache too? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Is she in pain, because of you? Can't you stand the thought of it?"

I closed my eyes as his every word stabbed my heart like a poisoned knife. He pushed me again, harder.

"Come on Carlisle! Shove it in my face a little more. Tell me again how you can't help yourself. Tell me how you know more about Bella than I do, having spent all of no time at all with her compared to me. Tell me all about that delicious pull.. does it make you want her? Do you want to taste her blood, or her mouth? Take her throat out, or take her virginity?"

"Edward..!"

"Shut up! I'm talking. It is lust, Carlisle? A longing, an ache, a need? Do you want her? Do you... love her?"

I felt my whole body constrict, a sharp pain flooding me and then settling somewhere deep within me, stretching out into an endless ache that would never subside so long as we were apart. Yes, I wanted her. Yes, I longed for her. And yes, my God, I loved her, even though our moments together had been limited.

He read my thoughts, every one of them, and he had me pinned to the floor before I had scarce processed the thoughts myself.

His face was hard and unyielding as he gazed down at me, hand against my throat, pushing pressure upwards ever so gently, threatening that one fatal move.

"How could you," he whispered, anguish in his eyes. "How could you lust after my Bella? Of all the women in the entire world, Carlisle, why did your eternal mate have to be the woman I love?"

A light breeze whipped up the air. A silence hung in the wilderness around us. We both became aware of another immortal presence at the same time. Edward's grasp on my throat fell away, and we both turned our heads to the side slowly, stricken, to see Esme staring at us both, a look of horror on her face.

Horror at what Edward had silently been threatening to do to me – rip my head off, as he had longed to do once before.

Horror at what had just fallen from his mouth – the knowledge that I was no longer my wife's beloved husband. I was instead, another woman's – Edward's woman's – beloved eternal mate.

"Esme..." I breathed, breaking out from beneath Edward's grip to flash over to her side. "Esme, please..."

She pushed me away instinctively.

"Bella..." she stammered. "You and Bella...?"

Her tone went up an octave. "You and Bella?"

I closed my eyes, a wholly different pain swimming in my veins now.

She had lost it with me, then. I had begged her forgiveness, tried to explain, tried to tell her that I couldn't bear to hurt her, that I had tried to fight it, all of it. That I loved her still, but that my heart had been set alight for Bella. My words fell on deaf ears. She was heartbreak and fury, screams and sobs.

"I knew we were never what... they...were," she said at one point, the calm between storms, and I knew she was referring to Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, "But I thought we were in love. Forever."

Her words broke me. I ached to bring her a comfort I could not offer.

Then she had snapped again. How long had I known? How long had Edward known? The storm raged and grew until they were both hounding me, and I couldn't bear the barrage of hurtful words any longer. I took my leave, to my shame, and fled to the house.

It was quiet inside. Too quiet. I came to a halt, poised in the doorway of the living room. Four anguished faces greeted me. For a moment, I couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. Alice sat on the sofa, face distraught, Jasper holding her hand, supporting her. A pencil fell from her grasp, clattering onto a piece of paper on the table. Emmett looked stunned. Rosalie looked... murderous.

In the blink of an eye, Rosalie was across the floor and in front of me. She slapped me so hard across the face I found myself in the next room, lying in the ruins of a smashed table.

"Fuck you, Carlisle!" she screeched. "How could you? Of all the people who I could have thought had the ability to shatter this family... never did I think it would be you."

A single sob escaped her, and she was gone. One by one, they all looked at me, almost pityingly, and left the room. Alice lingered, wanting to say something, but Jasper gathered her up and made her go with him. I got myself up, made myself walk across the floor to where the piece of paper still lay.

I picked it up, a chill shuddering through me as I took in the pencil work in all its grisly glory.

At the centre, Bella and I, in the house in Forks. Locked in a passionate embrace, a lover's kiss, a mating dance.

Around us, utter chaos. Horrific variables in a multitude of possible futures. Edward, in pieces, surrounded by the Volturi. My head, held aloft in Edward's bloodied hand, about to be dropped into fire. Flaming pyres, surrounding what clearly looked liked Jane, and Felix. One for each of my family. Bella, broken. Bella, dead.

I closed my eyes, scrunching up the paper and turning it to dust. Venom stung my eyes.

I do not remember much after that. I remember the family breaking apart, but I was somehow removed from it all. Rosalie left in disgust within hours, dragging Emmett with her. Then Esme left, and Edward followed. Partly out of guilt, I think, to make sure she would be alright. I knew it did not sit easy with him, leaving me out of his ever watchful line of sight.

Only Alice and Jasper stayed, but they brought me little comfort... at least, not at first. Alice was brokenhearted. First Bella, now her whole family, bar Jasper and me. And I was gone, lost to a sadness I could not name. I sat alone in my study, staring out of the window, day upon day, as one month rolled into another. Jasper tried his hardest to reach me. Some days he did. Some days he talked, more often at me than with me, and offered his counsel, even his understanding. He alone seemed to understand that this wasn't my fault, that I couldn't help what fate had imparted. I think Alice did, too, but she was too troubled and haunted by the visions that kept stalking her, telling of unbearable woe no matter what decisions I made.

Eventually, after several months of misery, Jasper had a breakthrough. I started leaving my study for reasons other than just to hunt. Alice began to smile again. Small steps. In time, I went back to medicine, working night shifts part time at the local hospital. The sound of chiming bells returned to our home as the light switched back on in Alice's eyes.

Slowly, we came back to immortal life. At least until she had the vision.

I blinked. The tree I had been leaning against lay on the ground, snapped in two like a thin, dry twig. I got to my feet, taking deep breaths of air. I felt... good. For the first time in a long time, I felt like all the twisted knots that had wound tighter and tighter inside of me, had been cut free and unravelled completely.

I had spent long enough facing up to my mistakes. Now, it was time to right them.

It was time to go home. Home to Isabella.

I smiled, and in the space of a millisecond, was gone and across the wilds. Forks was in my sights. My destination was set.

Bella. Bella. Isabella.

I am coming, my love.

With all of the power and speed I possessed, I ran.

xxx

EPOV

I pressed my forehead against the thick wall of the house. The Ithaca rain was pounding, but I could hear with abject clarity the conversation taking place within the walls.

Alice and Jasper were arguing. Alice was tense, Jasper was trying to calm her. I shook off the emotional waves that he was throwing around, trying to focus on their words.

"I can't stand it, Jazz! Since he left, the visions have gotten worse. But none of them are fixed. There are so many variables..."

There was a lull in the conversation as I heard a series of muffled sobs, and figured Jasper had her in his arms right now.

So. The bastard had left.

No prizes for guessing where he had gone.

I curled my lip, then gently, carefully, focused in on Alice. She had no idea I was here. No reason to shield her thoughts from me. I slipped into her mind. She made it so easy. She was thinking about all of it, slave to the memories, as Jasper comforted her.

Oh Jasper, what has become of us? Your arms feel so good, lover...

I want to stay here forever.

Why did he have to go? Why wouldn't he listen to me.

Love. Overwhelming love. For Carlisle, for Bella, for Edward, for everyone.

Why did I have to have that vision?

Bella, high on a cliff, looking down at the sea.

Then, she jumps.

NO!

She disappears into the waves.

The vision fades to black. Nothing. No outcome. No continuation. Is she... is she dead?

Carlisle, running to me. Normal physical vision returns. Voice hoarse from screaming.

He makes me tell him the vision.

It hurts so much to speak it aloud.

Carlisle falls, grief stricken.

Conflict, back and forth on decisions. Carlisle insisting he has to go back.

Begging, begging him not to go. Please no. Edward will kill you.

I have to go.

Please, I can't lose you Carlisle, I've lost all of them, I can't lose you.

Falling to the floor, more visions.

So many visions. All of them horrific. All of them ending with Carlisle's head ripped off in Edward's hands.

Please don't go.

I have to go, Alice. I'm sorry. I love you. Both of you. I loved you all. But I have to go to her. She needs me. I have to know if she is...

Pain. So much pain.

I have to know.

Hands clasp. Tears that cannot fall. Please Carlisle, please no...

Hands let go.

Falling to the floor, shattered, wracked with sobs.

Alone, left behind. I pray for Jasper to return from hunting soon, I need his comfort, I can't stand this...

Come back. Carlisle. Please come back. Please...

My eyes snapped open. My God.

Fury coursed through me, and I almost wanted to take it out on Alice, but I stopped myself. There was no time.

There were only two possible scenarios in that moment.

In one of them, Bella was dead, and if so, I too, would offer myself up to die.

In the other, Bella was alive, and Carlisle was with her, and I would make him die.

Suffer, and die.

Then, without thought or care for covering my decisions, I homed in on Forks.

With all of the power and speed I possessed, I ran.

xxx

Ha! Come now, you didn't really think Carlisle had abandoned her like Edward, did you? ;)

I'm such a tease. But now, what will happen next? Will Carlisle get back to Bella first, or will Edward? (Cue tense and dramatic music...)

I'm sorry, not sorry, for the Very Unpleasantly Evil Edward and Very Frustratingly Angsty Carlisle in this story (evil laugh!) - but fear not, there is a rhyme to my wicked reason, a little insightful observation on vampire lore that Bella will figure out in an upcoming chapter. I offer you this little taster clue, because I might not update for a few days now, as that pesky thing called Life Outside of Writing is knocking with a nice long list of Things I Have To Do in Preparation for Christmas. Sigh!

In the meantime, please review, because reviews give me life, reviews give me more dopamine than caffeine, and reviews give me supersonic writing fuel. They also inspire Bellisle lemons... Please and thank you!