JENNIE
It had been a week and I hadn't told a soul what happened. Not even my new best friend Lilith, who I saw every day as I interned at the animal hospital.
I tried not to think about Dr. Manoban and what we'd done. Instead, I thought about Felix. He hadn't bothered to call or text, and anger rose inside me each day he remained silent. It was easier to focus on that. How did he not need closure? Ten seconds was all it took to undo three years.
Unless this was a power play on his part. Maybe he was waiting for me to call.
And maybe I'd been avoiding it because of what I'd done with his dada. Would any good come from telling him? The relationship between them was okay, but not great, and I didn't want to be part of the wedge that drove them further apart. I was being a coward about it, but I also saw no upside to confessing my sins. All it would do was cause pain.
Felix might not have needed closure, but I did, and couldn't put it off any longer. On Friday, nine days after our breakup, I texted him.
Jennie: Are we going to talk about this?
Felix: Talk about what?
Was he fucking kidding? I wasn't going to get into everything via text.
Jennie: What I said in the pool. What are you doing right now?
Felix: Playing Call of Duty.
I gnashed my teeth. Of course. He was just sitting around playing video games.
Jennie: Is your dada home?
Felix: No.
The tight breath in my lungs relaxed. I could do this. Get in and get out, even though the thought of not seeing Dr. Manoban again brought on a surprising sharp pang of disappointment.
Jennie: Can I come over?
Felix: You horny?
What? He thought I was asking about his dada being gone so we could fuck in the house? Un—fucking—real. Was this how he was handling the breakup, like it had never happened? The three dots blinked across the screen.
Felix: Yeah, you can come over.
My stomach churned and roiled as I drove to Felix's and parked in the driveway. I shut the car off and stared up at the dark windows of the house, working up the nerve to do what I needed to.
Like last time, I went in through the front door without knocking. There was no point. Felix would be in the basement and wouldn't hear me. My flip-flops slapped against the soles of my feet as I marched through the living room and turned left, heading toward the basement door. I was so focused on my goal, the movement didn't register until she spoke.
"Jennie?"
Oh, Jesus. My mouth went dry as a desert, and my brain quit working. "He said you weren't here," I blurted.
Dr. Manoban's face contorted into a strange expression. Guilt, confusion, and hurt. Perhaps a little fear too. It made me feel like garbage, and my gaze dropped down to see the stack of mail she was sorting in her hands and the plastic bag of takeout resting on the breakfast bar. The faint smell of garlic lingered.
She pulled her shoulders back. "I just got home."
"Oh." It was barely a whisper from me. "Sorry."
She tilted her head slightly and scrutinized me. "What are you doing here? I thought you and Felix . . ."
"We did. I'm just here to talk to him." And make sure he understands we're over.
Dr. Manoban was dressed casually in jeans and a form-fitted t-shirt, and I forced myself not to think about what she would look like without them. I sucked in a deep breath and lifted my gaze to meet hers.
"You haven't told him," she said in a low voice, "about what I did."
"What we did," I corrected, "and I'm not going to."
Why did she look upset? Wasn't she supposed to be relieved? "Why?"
"Because it won't change what happened. All it's going to do is hurt him, and the way things are between you two . . ." I didn't want or need to say that Felix's relationship with his dada was fragile. "I don't want to jeopardize what you have."
Dr. Manoban put her hands on her hips, and her shoulders sagged in defeat. "I appreciate that, but—"
My phone chirped with an incoming message, interrupting us. I dug it from my purse and looked at the screen.
Felix: I think my dada's home. I heard the garage door.
Great fucking timing, Felix. I put my phone away and shot Dr. Manoban a determined look. "I don't want to hurt him. And telling him what we did?" I shook my head. "I can deal with it if he hates me. But not you."
Before she could say anything, I put my hand on the doorknob and pulled open the door. Sounds of simulated gunfire echoed from the base of the stairs and grew louder as I hurried down, passing pictures of Felix and me hanging on the wall.
When I hit the bottom of the steps, I skidded to a stop.
Felix wasn't alone on the couch. His friend Colin sat on one side, and Troy on the other, all three clutching controllers and focused on the TV screen. I balled my hands into fists at my side. Why the hell didn't he tell me his friends were over?
Colin glanced my direction for a microsecond and flashed an easy smile. "Hey, Jennie."
Felix couldn't be bothered to look away from the game. "What's up?"
Anger tightened my vocal cords, but I choked it out. "We need to talk."
"Yeah. Lemme finish this level, and . . . I'll be right with you." It was loaded with innuendo for his friends' benefit, and they snickered.
My mouth fell open. Who was he these days? Just as I was about to snap, all three guys swore at the screen.
"Fucking shit," Troy groaned, and his annoyed gaze rolled to his friends.
Felix stood and dropped his controller on the couch cushion. "I'll be back in a few."
"Only a few, huh?" Colin turned his gaze to me. "Poor Jennie."
Felix wasn't amused. "Shut up, dude."
He probably thought my icy expression was for Colin, when it was meant for him. I stayed silent as I followed him into his bedroom. I'd barely shut his bedroom door before his hands were on me, and I spun away.
"What are you doing?" I shrieked.
Felix wore a look of pure confusion. "Come on. They're playing the game. They don't care what we get up to in here."
Did he think I was shrugging him off because I was embarrassed his friends might hear us? "Have you lost your mind? We broke up."
He scowled. "You were serious about that shit?"
"Yes." Very much yes.
My gaze left his and moved across his messy bedroom, and everywhere I looked, there was another painful reminder of what I'd brought to an end. The poster tacked to a wall was from the exclusive Black Keys show we'd gone to at the Ryman Theatre last year. A mason jar mug rested on his bookshelf. Our school had given them out as party favors at our senior prom. Taped to the mirror was a picture of us and our friends in the stands at the homecoming game.
Felix blinked, and his confusion evaporated. It shifted to irritation. "You're going to end things with me just because I didn't drop everything for you?"
Now it was my turn to be confused. "What?"
"You asked if you could come over and I said yeah. Troy and Colin were already here when you texted. What was I supposed to say? Get lost, because Jennie finally wants to hang out with me? The world doesn't revolve around you."
"Are you kidding me?" I gasped. The audacity of his statement blinded me with rage, and my sarcasm was thick as syrup. "I know it doesn't, because the world clearly revolves around you."
He rolled his eyes, put his hands on his hips, and I was struck by how much he looked like his dada. Only he was a spoiled, selfish version, and the opposite of the persob upstairs. I couldn't stay in this stifling room another moment. I needed to get away before my mind went to other comparisons I shouldn't make.
His indifferent attitude was too much, and I felt gutted. I barely choked it out, "Goodbye, Felix."
I flung his door open and fled through the living room, keeping my head up and ignoring the two guys playing on the couch. But Felix went after me, grabbing my shoulder and turning me to face him. "This is stupid," he said. "Calm down."
The TV went silent. One of the guys must have paused the game, either so Felix and I could hear each other, or so he could listen to our second breakup play out. I wasn't going to put a show on for them, but my anger wasn't going away either.
"Don't touch me," I hissed.
His face turned sour. "You know what? You can call me when you've calmed down."
If Felix wanted to wait for a phone call that was never going to come, so be it. My expression was firm, masking how wounded he'd made me feel. I'd been determined to end things with him but had prepared for a struggle. It had been wasted. He wasn't going to fight for us. He turned on his heel, went to the couch, and grabbed his controller.
After everything, that was how he treated me.
I wiped at my eyes as I climbed the stairs, brushing away the angry tears. He didn't care about me, so why should I care about him? I wasn't going to waste any more time on him.
Dr. Manoban was washing a dish in the sink, and when she heard me at the top of the basement steps, she cast a glance over her shoulder. Her eyes widened. The water was shut off, and she hurriedly dried her hands on a dishtowel, stepping toward me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." My tone was clipped. I wanted to run, but also to stay right where I was. A big part of me wasn't ready for her to be gone.
She slung the dishtowel over her shoulder and crossed her arms, perhaps to stop herself from reaching out for me, and leaned back against the kitchen island. Her eyes were full of sympathy. "That was fast."
"Yup." I tried to force my feet to move, but they wouldn't. "Three years, and it's no big deal." My voice broke. "I mean, he's just down there playing video games, so . . . he's fine."
I was swept up into her hug so abruptly, it squeezed the air from my body, and in my weakened state, I softened into Dr. Manoban. Her embrace was fierce, and perfect, and exactly what I desired.
"I'm sorry," she said.
Since I had my forehead pressed against her collarbone, she couldn't see me twist my face into displeasure. "Don't. It's not your fault."
"I know, but I'm sorry anyway."
We fell silent. The only sound in the kitchen was the faint ticking of the clock on the far wall. I turned my head and pressed my cheek to the flat plane of her chest, and in response, her arms shifted and settled around me. Neither of us made an effort to step away.
I was greedy. I knew it was selfish and wrong to want her embrace, but I did regardless. It felt like I belonged here. Her chest lifted as she drew in a deep breath, and I rode the rise and fall with my eyes closed, hoping the hands on the ticking clock would freeze and go quiet.
But they didn't.
Each second built in my body like a timer counting down, and anxiety swelled, dreading the moment she'd let me go and it'd be time for me to leave. I'd do anything to prevent it.
So, it was a desperate measure when I lifted on my toes and tilted my head, moving to slant my lips over hers. I caught her by surprise, but only for a moment, and then her mouth softened to welcome my reckless kiss.
I shivered as she took over and drove away all thoughts. My arms wrapped tighter around her waist, holding on as her dominating mouth pressed to mine and pulled a sigh from my body.
"Wait, wait," she said, abruptly yanking her head back and breaking off the kiss. "I've been waiting here, washing the same damn dish for the last five minutes, hoping when you came back upstairs, I'd find an excuse to talk to you. We need to, Jennie."
"Oh," I whispered.
The blood in my face heated to a million degrees. I didn't want to talk about it, but it didn't matter. I wasn't going anywhere. Plus, I was certain I'd do pretty much whatever she said, as long as her arms were around me and the buzz from her kiss lingered on my lips.
"I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if the hospital hadn't called."
The way she said it made it impossible to tell if she felt regret or relief. I swallowed the thick knot in my throat. "Me too."
The scenes that had played out in my mind over the last nine days were dirty and wrong. More fantasies, ones that had me putting a hand down my pajama pants late at night just to relieve the ache.
"We have to stop," she said. But she made no effort to release me.
"I know."
"We can't do this." Her words were as hollow as my agreement had been.
Dr. Manoban smelled like the fresh, clean dish soap she'd been using, but underneath, I caught the hint of leather. The scent caused the memory to flash white-hot in my mind, reminding me of her hands on my breasts, and I shuddered.
The struggle in her eyes made it clear she was losing whatever fight the sensible side of her was waging.
"Shit." She yanked the towel off her shoulder and tossed it down on the island countertop. "I don't know which is worse. How wrong this is, or the fact I can't stop." Her voice dipped so low, it was barely audible. "I shouldn't, but—fuck, I want you."
My knees threatened to give out.
I was vaguely aware I was a mess. Hurt and angry at Felix, but I needed Dr. Manoban's mouth on mine again, and like her, I didn't care that it was wrong. I didn't give a fuck how Felix was only one floor below us and could come upstairs at any time.
I pressed into her, like I could burrow deep into her chest. "Dr. Manoban."
Her embrace hardened, locking me tightly with bars made of muscle and bone. "Lisa." The word was a plea and an order. "Say it."
I tipped my chin up and peered into her eyes. Saying her name would be permission. It'd break the feeble lock we'd put on our restraint, unleashing everything. Uttering it would be a promise of more.
I swallowed a breath and found my voice. "Lisa."