Of Hard Truths and Family Magic
Hermione stepped through the Floo of Draco's flat, soon to be their flat, at half five that evening. The smell of something delicious greeted her moments before Draco's smiling face rounding the corner. He didn't hesitate for a moment to come directly over and pull her into a kiss that pushed the worries of the day straight from her mind. Hermione had been stupidly worried this would be weird somehow, but she could see now it would only be if she made it so.
"What did you make for dinner? It smells amazing," Hermione asked with a smile.
"Just pasta Bolognese with a green salad. Here let me take that bag and you can relax," Draco said.
"Actually, I would rather go change into something not this if that is alright," she said unsure, "I don't need to dress for dinner do I?"
Draco laughed then realized she was being serious.
"Hermione, you only have to dress for dinner if you want to; I will never impose a dress code on my wife. I think you have the sense to know when the appropriate times to dress for the occasion are. Our home, though, is our haven, we can be who we are here; I want you to be comfortable," Draco said with a kiss to her forehead before pulling her into an embrace.
Hermione smiled against his chest. Who was this strange blond hugging her right now? Surely not Draco Malfoy, whose father heard about every minor inconvenience. No, that person no longer existed.
"Alright I am going to change then I will be right down," Hermione said brightly.
She stood in the hallway for a few moments before going into the master bedroom. It felt intrusive, but when she entered the dressing room she realized the room had been expanded, giving her ample space for all her things. It was such a small thing and he had simply made room for her but this was the type of gesture that was liable to melt her cynical heart to a puddle. She found tears slipping from her eyes as she stood in that damned closet and laughed at herself before wiping them away. Once again, Draco managed to care for her in a way few had and it felt overwhelming to know this was probably just who he was now, he didn't need to impress her, he did this because he wanted to. She took a deep breath to clear her mind and quickly unpacked the few things she brought over that evening.
She entered the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Draco from behind.
"Thank you for the closet space, it may not seem like a big deal to you but I appreciate that I didn't have to ask for space in your life," Hermione said and hoped he grasped that she meant so much more than the closet.
Draco turned in her arms and kissed her sweetly before holding her at arm's length to inspect her pajamas with a critical brow.
"Merlin, Hermione, what are these, and why do I still want to shag you senseless in them?" he said with a disbelieving laugh.
"They are pajamas, Draco," Hermione said defensively.
"Yes, I can see that, I am just wondering why your pajamas have cats all over them," Draco said with a laugh.
Hermione looked down at her pajamas then back to Draco a bit sheepishly.
"These things are my guilty pleasure ok; I love hideous pajama sets, the more ridiculous the better. I even brought fairly tame ones," Hermione said as she cast about nervously.
Draco was laughing then, true full body laughing.
"I think this might be the most endearing thing I have learned about the great Hermione Granger. She loves hideous pajamas; the more atrocious the better. Come on let's eat dinner, before I ravish you in this kitchen again because you look so fetching," Draco teased.
Hermione punched him playfully. Draco handed her a glass of wine before grabbing their salads from the fridge and making up two bowls of Bolognese. They sat down at the table to eat together and Hermione couldn't believe this was about to be her life. Sitting down to meals with Draco Malfoy, one time bully turned actual decent human being. As she took her first bite of the Bolegnese she added gourmet chef to the list of his attributes.
"Draco, this is amazing thank you so much for this," Hermione said with another fork full on the way to her mouth.
"Anytime, I mean if I don't work I figure the least I can do is make sure you have food when you get home," Draco replied and though she looked for it she couldn't find a hint of sarcasm.
I was strange to consider he genuinely wanted to care for her, and it was nice, so nice to have someone caring for her for once.
"Do you think you will want to work?" Hermione asked.
"Obviously I don't have to, I hadn't really considered that far yet. I already have a Mastery in Potions so I could easily do something with that. I just don't know," Draco said.
"I mean I could always use someone like you as a consultant. Your knowledge of the old wizarding society would be helpful. I mean I have Greg, but I think we both know he isn't a paradigm of decorum," Hermione said, holding in a laugh and instead snorting.
Draco laughed with her. The rest of the meal devolved into conversation that flowed naturally and easily, like they had been doing it their whole lives. Hermione and Draco worked side by side to clean up the kitchen after the meal, laughing and chatting all the while.
"Alright I have been harboring a secret, I will now spill because you are sufficiently fed and watered," Draco said with a smile.
"I'm sorry am I some sort of animal?" Hermione replied.
"Yes, a small feral one who would have refused dinner if I had brought out these first," Draco said as led her to the study.
Hermione saw the books on the worktable in the room and felt the giddy anticipation rise within her.
"See I was right, you are practically vibrating right now," Draco said with mirth, "Go on woman, I know you are itching to read. I took the liberty of taking some notes about important sections I think would be good starting places. I also annotated some passages with personal experience."
Hermione turned to Draco then and grasped his neck to pull him down so she could kiss him. It was a short kiss but still full of that passion they had had yesterday. Hermione shivered a little at the reminder.
"Thank you so much, this is the most thoughtful gift I have ever received," she said very seriously.
"Ah they way to my witch's heart, ancient dusty books with personal annotations," Draco said with mock reverence.
Hermione barely heard him, though, because she was already engrossed in the notes he made for her.
When she finally looked up from the page, she saw Draco just sitting in the armchair watching her with a faint smile on his lips.
"What?" She asked.
"I'm not saying," he said with a smirk.
"Fine," she harrumphed and went back to studying the notes he made and scanning the passages.
She hadn't seen him cross the room but felt his presence behind her.
"I have watched you study for years, and even when I still hated you because I was a stupid prick, I wanted you. Those wild curls piled into a mass on your head as you used your wand like a hair bauble. The way you would chew on your quills and sometimes if it was late and you were trying to stay up it would be a sugar quill. However, what I loved the most was the way your nose would scrunch up in concentration followed usually by a smug smile when you figured it out," Draco said, breath ghosting the shell of her ear sending tingles everywhere.
"Oh," was all she managed.
Draco kissed the sensitive spot behind her ear before moving back to the other side of the table and taking the chair across from hers. Hermione looked up to see he was wearing a stupid smirk like he knew how mad he drove her. Before his looks led to something more she abruptly shifted back to the task at hand.
"So do you know how to make these circles then?" Hermione asked.
"In theory, yes. I have never created one but I know the principle. Would you like me to explain what I understand?" Draco asked.
"Yes, please," Hermione added.
"The idea is to create a ring that represents you, your magic, and your family's magic. The interlocking of our rings is what will bond our magical cores. We have to find the common areas within our rings to make the bonding part more seamless. Thankfully I think we will share a lot of common forms," Draco said.
"Draco, unless you have somehow forgotten. I don't have family magic," Hermione deadpanned.
"Hermione, do I really have to explain this to you?" Draco asked his tone a bit incredulous.
"Yes, Draco you really do, I have no idea what you are on about right now," Hermione snapped back.
"What is magic?" Draco asked.
Hermione just stared at him with a critical brow.
"What. Is. Magic?" Draco repeated more slowly.
"Well, there are many forms or types of magic—"
"Wrong."
"What do you mean—"
"Exactly what I said. Magic is in everything, it's not the spells we invoke, the potions we brew, or the objects we wield. Those are all made possible because magic exists in everything. If it didn't, a witch like you wouldn't even be possible. This is the difference in what we are taught in school verses what wizarding families teach their children growing up. The most ironic part of this being I learned that magic exists everywhere but was simultaneously taught that Muggles and Muggleborns were stealing our magic. Ridiculous if you apply even a modicum of logic to that thought process. School taught you to wield and shape magic to your will but it doesn't teach you to understand its nature. That is what is assumed to be known from your family; yet another way Muggleborn witches and wizards are at a disadvantage unfortunately. So with this in mind I will ask in a different way; what are the moments in your life that shaped who you are that seemed magical, even before you knew magic existed," Draco asked, then added, "That is how you are going to discover your family's magic."
Hermione sat quietly for an awhile absorbing what Draco had just told her. Feeling that familiar pang of bitterness that she was once again under informed. Then as she tried to bring up memories of her childhood she was overwhelmed with grief. She hadn't even realized Draco had come around the table and was squatting next to her until his long slightly calloused fingers were wrapped around hers.
"Hermione, I hadn't asked because I didn't feel like it was my place; but now—"
"I know, I just, I never talk about it," Hermione whispered, and took a shaky breath. "The summer before seventh year I Obliviated my parents. I took every memory of me from them. Then I planted the idea in their minds that they had always wanted to move to Australia. I watched from outside the house as they packed up everything and left. After the war I went to them as quickly as I could to reverse the charms and I did for the most part, but it had been nearly a year. They remember me but their fear of me and magic in general was overwhelming; not to mention the anger and resentment they won't own to but exists nonetheless," Hermione stifled a sob, "I just didn't want them tortured and killed because of me—"
Draco had been still and silent until that moment.
"Hermione," Draco said ferociously, "it would not have been because of you. The actions of bigoted blood supremacist with a penchant for torture was not because of you. You cannot hold the blame for the actions of others. Don't shake your head like you don't believe me," Draco took her chin and forced her to look at him, "Hermione do you understand? You did such a brave, hard, horrible thing. Orphaning yourself at seventeen— I couldn't have done it. I didn't do it. I was so scared of losing my parents I went and willingly offered my life to the Dark Lord. You, you sacrificed everything and yet you still blame yourself for not doing enough. Your parents' actions now are their own selfish problems. You did the right thing; they would've been killed or worse. I know because I was there," Draco's voice was quieter now, tears were streaming down her cheeks, "I went to your parent's house with Yaxley and Dolohov. I will never forget the horrible things they were imagining up for your parents," Draco said in a choked voice.
Hermione placed her palm on Draco's cheek. She could see the regret and pain etched into every line of his face.
"Draco," Hermione started, Draco exhaled heavily and leaned into her hand as he closed his eyes, "I think we both need to give ourselves more grace for the past. I think maybe we are both carrying the weight of our failures when really, we just need to set them down."
Draco looked back at her then. Those grey eyes a tempest.
"If I could, I would. I literally carry the mark of my failing with me every day," he said heavily, "it doesn't affect me the same as it once did, but it will be a long time before I can forget the way it made me feel."
Hermione looked at him then, confused. She had often wondered about the Dark Mark and how it worked and if it was more than just a strange form of a Protean Charm. Draco rose to his feet abruptly startling her. He turned his back to her and she watched him fight the urge to rub at his arm.
"Draco?"
Silence.
She rose from the chair and moved toward him but hesitated for a moment before she reached for him. He flinched at the contact. She drew her hand away. He turned and pulled her hand back, placing it over his heart. It was pounding in his chest.
"I hadn't ever intended to tell you about this, but I guess it is important and if you have to dredge up horrible memories with an audience I will too," Draco said with a rasp.
He swallowed like he was clearing his throat before continuing.
"The Dark Mark wasn't just a way to be summoned. When I took it, I did it to save my parents, not out of some perverse loyalty to a genocidal maniac. I think because of that, it was harder for me. I fought its hold. When it was branded into my skin it was like my bones were being dipped in acid. I felt the darkness of the magic seeping into my very soul every moment he was alive. It fed on wicked actions. I once struggled to cast Unforgivables like any normal person with a soul, but when I did it successfully, it was like the darkness of that magic that was bound to me leapt in delight. I was able to cast them with greater ease each time," Draco wasn't making eye contact and Hermione wondered if he was waiting for her to run.
"It fundamentally changed my magic, I struggled to do magic I once did with ease. My nights were haunted by a version of myself who delighted in killing and torturing. I hunted down his enemies and killed them one by one. The person my nightmares created terrified me because I wondered if I was truly capable of becoming that person. I wondered if my family's life and my life were worth the price I was paying. I hated myself daily, but I continued to do his bidding because I still couldn't let my parents suffer and I didn't see a way out. I learned Occlumency just to hide from myself. When I stood before Dumbledore, I wanted so badly to just believe him and let him save me but I never got a chance to take his offered because the others I let in arrived and then Snape was killing him. From that day on, I just truly believed there was no hope. I didn't think it would ever end. Then you, Potter, and Weasley were dragged into my home, and I lied that day because if I could do nothing else good at least I could try to soothe my conscience with the knowledge that I had at least tried to do the decent thing for once. Then I looked away when you were tortured because I was a coward and in my mind I was seeing every nightmare come to life. When he finally was killed that day it was like the curtains were ripped back. I had been living in a cold dark room for nearly two years and finally was able to feel the sun on my skin," he still hadn't looked at her.
"Being on house arrest with my mother as we and the Ministry officials worked to rid the house of every last dark object felt like I was being purified with fire. With every layer of dark magic that was striped away, my soul felt freer. The Manor was at one time a place I felt most connected to my magic, but he had taken that too. When the last vestiges of his influence were gone, I took my first full breath in three years. Then I left because I needed to find a way to live with myself after everything. I needed space and time to learn about who I was without being Draco Malfoy, former death eater and boy who plotted to kill Dumbledore," Draco finished and finally looked down at her his face stricken.
Hermione slid her hands up his chest and into his hair, pulling his face down to rest his forehead against hers.
"If you are waiting for me to run, you will be waiting a long time, I see you Draco Malfoy and nothing you told me will make me look away. I feel more seen by you, if anything. I know with you I can work through the darkest parts of myself and I won't scare you away. We can find a way to let our past be the past together. Let's let this bonding ceremony be the start of a new path we forge as one," she said passionately, then with a little smile, "and to celebrate this new journey we will dance around the burning remains of the old wizarding world and show them all that this generation of witches and wizards is not going to sweep the past under the rug. We will shine a light so bright the darkness will have no where to hide."
Hermione felt a tear hit her cheek and realized it wasn't her own. Draco's arms wrapped more tightly around her then.
"I will never deserve you, but I will be proud to walk beside you as you set the world on fire," he said before placing a searing kiss on her lips.
"Come on lets go to bed, I think we should start fresh in the morning with these circles," Hermione said a little breathless when Draco released her from the kiss.
Draco's brows rose nearly to his hairline.
"Is Hermione Granger admitting she needs sleep when there is complex magic that needs figuring out? I feel like I should alert the papers and Floo all our friends to let them know of this momentous occasion," he said with a teasing grin.
Hermione pushed him away before vanishing the cat pajamas. Before she had any idea where this night would end up, she had put on some rather scandalous lingerie Pansy and forced her to buy for herself to boost her confidence—begrudgingly she had to admit they had.
"I mean if you want to stay here with the dusty books I suppose we can do that," she said quietly.
Draco pulled her back to his chest and leaned down to her ear.
"Absolutely not," was all he whispered before sweeping her off her feet and carrying her down the hall to their bedroom.