July 22th, 1918.
Olga Nikolaevna Romanova.
The sound of the granary door opening wakes me up from a nightmare. I jump in surprise and look around at my surroundings, but it is so dark I can barely see… then I remember everything. I am paralyzed by fear. What is Pyotr going to do with us?!
It takes a while for my eyes to adjust to the fresh dim light enough to see that it is not Pyotr who opened the door but his wife Uliana, our weapons safely tucked under the same arm with which she carries a lamp. Her daughter Galina stands beside her, holding two mugs and a big piece of bread she later parts in half.
Alexei sits up as fast as he is able to, fear evident in his tired eyes. He hasn't slept at all. The poor thing is in too much pain to do so.
Galina offers each one of us a cup of milk and a piece of bread and then strides back to the house. My brother and I stare at each other in confusion for a few seconds before we start eating and drinking.
Uliana gives me my belongings back without saying a word. Having finished the bread and the milk, I start tying the knife to my waist. Then I put the gun back in Alexeiʼs pocket.
"You both need to get out of here", Uliana says. "My husband is planning to ransom you back to the reds."
The manʼs kindness was false. I knew that. It still hurts.
"Why?" I ask, tears welling up in my eyes.
"The spirit of the revolution is everywhere around the country, girl, not just the red guards are happy about it", Uliana replies. "My husband firmly believes that the death of our son was not solely the Germans' fault but that of the Tsar as well for sending him to fight in the first place. Besides, we need the money, we are in a tough situation right now."
"But, that is, silly", Alexei speaks his mind, pausing often due to the many moans of pain he can't help but let out. "We had to, our Slavic friends, they were being attacked, and the soldiers, they bravely risk their lives, for our motherland, and once we beat the Germans, all will be fine."
The woman gives my brother a condescending look, and I canʼt say I blame her. I canʼt imagine losing a son to a war you consider pointless, but I am also at odds with her mindset, because I know it is crucial to defeat the Germans. They started the war. My father firmly believed in the allied cause.
Uliana looks as if she were about to argue with my brother, but she doesn't. She stays silent. I donʼt say anything either. I have nothing to argue against a personal loss such as that one.
"Well, whatever the cause of the war, you are just a boy and a young woman, and I donʼt want you back with those monsters", Uliana finally says. I want to spit out that her husband is also a monster, but instead I decide to keep quiet yet again. She has been nothing but kind.
"I will show you the road to another village", Uliana explains. "You canʼt stay here for too long, my husband will probably tell whoever listens that you were here, so you need to keep moving."
My anxiety goes sky level. How is Alexei going to get better if we are constantly on the run?
"But I donʼt want to ride again, my legs and belly hurt", Alexei whines, tears flooding his eyes.
Uliana starts laughing the moment Alexei mentions riding. I hate her for an instant.
"You are not going to leave riding", she chuckles.
"Why not?" I ask.
"My husband sold your horses to a neighbor", Uliana answers. "The best I can do for you is give you my dead sonʼs crutches."
I canʼt believe this. No, God, please no. This canʼt be happening. How can we be so unlucky?
When the woman leaves for a moment, Alexei starts crying. I do my best to comfort him.
"Now hurry up", Uliana returns with the crutches. Alexei sobs inconsolably at the mere sight of them, but he tries his best to use them properly once they are given to him. The poor dear. I feel so bad for him.
This has been the worst week of my life.
"Just try not to use the leg that hurts", I tell my baby brother.
"They both hurt!" He cries, seemingly angry at me. Thinking of the physical agony he must be enduring right now makes me ignore his tantrum.
"Don't use the one that hurts the most", I mess with his hair. "Everything will be fine." The truth is I am worried sick.
The woman shows us the trail we have to follow in order to get to the next village. The forest is dark, incredibly dark, but she provides me with a lamp.
"It is only about three miles away", she says, and my heart almost stops.
I donʼt even know what I was hoping for. If it were only me walking, three miles wouldn't be an unreasonable distance, but this is going to be hell for my brother.
"Wonʼt your husband become angry when he sees you let us go?" I ask her.
"I am not scared of him," Uliana states confidently, and then, for the first time ever, I notice the bruises on her neck.
They might not have been there before. Either way, my heart fills with pity for this poor woman who has learned to live with a cruel man and yet still chooses to be brave and even kind most of the time. I hope I can be like her someday.
"Thank you a lot for the dress", I say to her before parting. "It is beautiful."
My brother and I step into the woods.
Oo
Alexei sobs incessantly for the first half an hour of walking with the crutches. Not wanting to make the journey harder for him than it already is, I try to go as slow as possible.
It hasnʼt been easy for me either. Those men did something inside me. I think I am bleeding again. Every step I take is painful to a certain extent.
We lost sight of the village a long time ago. There is no going back. The forest seems to be turning darker with each step and my lamp does little to help. This is ridiculous. Our entire situation is ridiculous.
Alexei has gradually gotten slightly used to the pain, but walking is still a huge trial for him. He never stops moaning.
"You are being very brave, darling", I encourage him with a smile. I do so constantly, as he evidently needs it.
"Why are all these things happening to us, Olya?" Alexei asks. The question demoralizes me.
Everyone is cruel to us now. Anyone can beat us, rob us, and do whatever they please with us. What can we do about it? Complain to the local authorities? There is no one to protect us.
We have been too trustful, and so were my parents. Papa and mama had faith in the inherent goodness of people, believing that they were past hurting children for the real or perceived crimes of the parents. We should have gotten out of Russia while we still could. Even if we were all sick with measles, even if we were born and raised to serve Russia, even if it was our duty to stay. Even despite the love we still have for our motherland.
We canʼt do anything to help Russia. We canʼt even protect ourselves. Not all the peasants are loyal or willing to help us out of kindness. We canʼt take for granted anyone is.
I firmly decide that we canʼt trust anyone anymore. I will never let anyone take the reins of my horse. I will never let anyone take my gun away again. I will always keep my guard up around kind strangers, and I will leave Russia if it becomes the only way to keep my brother safe. I can only pray to God that the government responsible for the murder of my parents doesnʼt stay in power for too long.
"Olenka, why is this happening?" My brother asks again, his voice sounding more desperate. I was too lost in my thoughts.
"God brings us suffering for a reason Alyosha", I answer my brother. "Remember what mama used to tell us. If He allows these horrors to fall upon us, it is because He thinks we are strong enough to bear them. He may have a plan for us, or He may be testing our faith."
"I know, I know", he says in a tired voice, and then he sighs. "I donʼt know why I even asked."
We keep walking without talking for a few minutes, during which the only sounds he makes are moans or groans.
"Papa was born on the day of St. Job the Long-suffering", Alexei points out after a while. "He used to say that this meant he was destined for great suffering in his life. Maybe that also applies to us now for being his children."
I give him a sad smile. It is typical of him to say such wise things once in a while in between his childish short lines.
"Yes, maybe", I concede. "And papa, like Job, never complained about his fate. He always trusted God in spite of all his suffering, and God rewarded their faith."
"Only He didnʼt reward papa in this life", he finishes for me.
"No, sadly not, but being rewarded in the next life is just as good, if not better."
"Can you help me pray about it? I donʼt want to complain, I know I must not", he sounds timid. "I am doing it so often now..."
"We will pray once we are somewhere safe", I tell him. "Let us try to go a bit faster."
"Did the peasant babies die so that God could test them too?" He asks in a small voice. I wish mama were here. She would have a good response to that.
"They died because they were sick", I answer. "They were very poor and the conditions they live in make it really easy for diseases to spread, but yes, God sends trials to all people. He works in mysterious ways, and we cannot understand why He allows things to happen."
"If only papa and mama knew how bad it truly is around these places."
"They knew, darling. Peasant villages have been like this for centuries, and you know papa and mama were trying their best to fix it. Doctors would always be sent to attend them, but wars usually complicate progress."
"So that is why they hate us, right? Because of the war, we could no longer help them as much, as mama did before with all of her charities, and their children that survived being babies died fighting instead. Maybe they think we didnʼt care."
"Yes, that is probably a reason", I say. "War causes a lot of personal hardship, so it is easier for them to forget about the reason why we are fighting, which is why victory is so important, so that once our allies win the war, Russia can get her land back and help these people. The Bolsheviks just gave a lot of our precious land away to the Germans to fix the problem, but that is just treachery, and they are causing a lot more problems along the way."
"And the Germans are to blame and not papa, right?" He asks.
"Of course," I try to reassure him. "Papa didnʼt want this war, it was forced upon him." That statement seems to soothe him.
"It is very sad that all of Galinaʼs siblings died, and she is all alone, poor girl, she must feel lonely", he says.
Out of nowhere, a man appears in front of the trail. Both my brother and I let out short screams. Alexei stumbles and almost drops his crutches.
"Keep walking", I tell Alexei, but the man moves to block our way. I look around, hoping to take my brother and run the other way, but another man is behind us in the trail.
"What do we have here?" The man in front of me says. He is fat, has a dirty white beard, and carries an ax. I can tell he is fully capable of committing violence. His expression is one I know too well by now. I become terrified.
"Leave us alone please", I say. "We donʼt have any money."
"But you have other things", he walks towards Alexei. "Those boots could get us a few rubles."
"They are mine!" My brother exclaims, but his tone of voice is that of a scared child. He should have done what I taught him to and pointed the gun at the man to scare him away, but he was simply terrified.
It is useless, I am a woman and he is just a sick boy. A couple of orphans no less. People can do with us whatever they please.
Suddenly, the fat man aims his ax at my brotherʼs head in a slow and sloppy movement, but Alexei dodges the blow, almost landing on the ground in the process. He has used his crutches instead of his hands to avoid falling.
I lose my patience. I have witnessed the murder of my parents, been unjustly treated, vilely abused, and robbed. I am tired and barely able to control myself. My baby brother was kicked and mutilated today. Almost murdered two days ago. Twice. I am seeing with my own two eyes yet another attempt on his life take place.
I scream, completely out of my mind. Before the man even finishes swinging the ax, I pull out the knife from my blue dress with the hand I am not using to hold the lamp and then stab him in the belly without thinking.
I take him completely by surprise. His blue eyes open wide. He clearly didnʼt expect me to be armed. I instantly feel horror and disgust. What have I just done?! The physical sensation itself is unbearable... but then I become scared that he will survive and take revenge, so I stab him again with force twice, then again thrice in another spot, and again in two different spots, burying the entire knife in his flesh.
The angry and violent man becomes a scared child in seconds. He collapses with the knife still stuck in one of the wounds and starts crying out in pain. I know he won't survive what I have done to him. I feel nothing but pity.
I swiftly remember there is another man behind me and take the knife away from the flesh of the one lying on the ground, but by the time I turn around with the blood-soaked knife, the other thief is running away.
The mere idea of having scared someone away seems comical to me.
I stand in shock, contemplating what I have done. The man is still alive, screaming in pain, and painting the road red. His intestines are outside his body. It is sad and disturbing.
I never got used to seeing open wounds or hearing cries of pain while working as a nurse, and now, in a cruel twist of fate, I am the one who has caused them. I feel like a monster.
I don't know where the nearest hospital is, and I am in no position to carry this man anywhere. Trying to help him will probably exacerbate his suffering without saving his life. And yet, I don't consider myself capable of finishing him off. Would that be a sin? Would it be considered justified due to having been in self-defense?
To finish him off wouldn't be self-defense though, it would be murder. Still, even if it is murder, I donʼt want him to suffer any longer. Oh, my catechism didn't prepare me for this!
I don't know what to do or when I started crying. I am also having trouble breathing. What is this?! I am not asthmatic! I cross myself. Oh God, what if I am having a heart attack?!
"You stabbed him Olenka!" Alexei exclaims. "And the other ran away! He retreated! Awesome! You defeated them all! Hurrah! Hurrah!" He raises one of his hands in celebration.
He is also grinning, actually grinning.
I frown at my brother. I canʼt believe he is acting in such a childish manner. Doesnʼt he realize I am upset? That I might have something serious?
Thinking it through, he has been acting like this ever since I suggested escaping to him. He needs to be taught a lesson.
"Finish him off!" I order him. Tears keep flooding my eyes, and I am still having trouble breathing.
"What?" He asks in a small voice.
"Finish him off", I repeat, pointing at the moaning man. "He is suffering, don't you see? You need to put him out of his misery."
"But why do I have to do it?" He complains, looking down at the man with pity for the first time.
"Because ever since I pretty much forced you to escape, you have been acting like an immature and scared child that hasnʼt even attempted to help me by doing the simplest of things, like cooperating with the escape without complaining at every chance you get and not endangering yourself unnecessarily by trying to ride the horse faster than you have to only to prove you can", I scold him with anger, almost yelling at him, with tears rolling down my cheeks. "Because I was praying the entire time at the peasantsʼ house that you wouldnʼt start complaining about the food or having to use latrines. Because the only instances in which you ever used a weapon were always to play war, but you couldnʼt even get the revolver out of your pocket to scare the man away! Because there are people out there trying to kill us or worse, keep torturing us! This is not a game, we didnʼt escape because I thought it would be a fun little adventure. This is not a vacation to Crimea, but that seems to be your idea! Donʼt you understand that I am trying to save your life?! Do you think I would have allowed you to ride a horse if that werenʼt the case?!" I finish my scolding by screaming the last two questions.
"I was never going to complain in the peasantsʼ house!" He protests, his eyes filling with tears.
"You were about to at some point, I saw your face", I say, trying to steady my breathing. Maybe he was, maybe he wasnʼt. I donʼt know. I am just so angry with him right now.
"I am sorry Olya, I am sorry", he starts to cry. "Please, I donʼt want to kill him." He looks at the moaning man with compassion in his eyes again. I feel bad for a second, but then I remember the way he initially celebrated the banditʼs demise.
"You are not getting out of this so easily", I reply harshly. "You didn't seem to have a problem with me stabbing him to defend you, but now you cry because there are consequences beyond how great and awesome it was for me to do that. You need to learn the consequences, you need to learn that this is not a fun thing. Maybe that way you will stop acting like a child and finally see our dire situation for what it truly is. You are going to do it."
"But why?! Why donʼt we take him to a hospital?" He sobs, approaching me with the crutches. "Please Olenka!" He tries to touch my dress in search of sympathy, but I walk away.
"We are in the middle of the woods! Donʼt you see that he is suffering?!" I yell. "What is your problem? What are you so afraid of? He is almost dead anyway, he canʼt hurt you! Didnʼt you push Ermakovʼs bayonet away when he was trying to stab you? Didnʼt you fight Tabakov? This is nothing compared to either of those things! Didnʼt you always want to be a soldier? Well, this is what soldiers do. You have to start somewhere."
Alexei takes the revolver out of his pocket, but he still seems unsure.
"What do I do?" He asks.
"Shoot him in the head or in the heart, I donʼt know, but do it already", I am desperate. The manʼs cries are becoming unbearable.
My brother points the gun at the man, weeping. Then, a childish frown covers his face.
"I donʼt care what you say, you are not my dad!" He screams at me. "I donʼt want to do it and wonʼt listen to you!"
I heat up with anger.
"If you donʼt do it I will leave you!" I threaten him with impatience. "I will leave during the night one day without warning, and when you wake up I will be gone, traveling way faster without you. When the sisters are allowed to leave I will reunite with them somewhere, but you will find yourself completely alone!"
My brother starts choking with sobs, really choking, when he hears me say that. Arms shaking, he points the gun at the man again and aims at his head, but he doesn't fire. He just keeps crying. His breathing is also failing, just like mine was a few minutes ago. This makes me feel slightly guilty.
I should do what he is about to do myself. I can teach him this same lesson some other way... the bandit suddenly grabs my brotherʼs ankle and cries out in pain as he tries to stand up. Three bullets reach the manʼs skull one after the other. My brother jumps and shrieks in fear before and during the shooting, dropping his crutches in the process. He screams again when he looks at the result. The manʼs brains are all over the road.
Alexei drops the revolver, turns away, and crosses himself over and over again, sobbing inconsolably, but he doesnʼt dare look at me. He probably thinks I am still mad at him.
I am the one who approaches and hugs him, leaving the lamp on the ground to be able to do so properly.
"I am sorry", I soothe him. "It is over now. You wonʼt have to do that ever again. The next time something like this becomes our only option, God forbid it, I will be the one to pull the trigger. Just listen to me and be a good and obedient boy from now on, all right? I would never leave you. That was just talk to make you do it."
I feel him nod.
We sit on the ground and cry off our pain. For our parents, for our sisters back in Perm, for everything we have gone through. I remember one of the last things my father said: It is not evil that conquers evil, but love.
How will I ever be able to live by those words when the only way I managed to protect my brother was through doing something evil?
If my father were here, he would have known what to do. Whatever he decided would have been right.
Having cried in each other's arms for a few minutes, my brother and I stand up. I put the gun back in his pocket.
"It is just to scare people away", I tell him when I notice the fear in his eyes. "Please try to use it the next time something like this happens", I beg him. "God forbid it."
We keep moving forward, and the manʼs body is soon out of sight. I fear there may be more bandits lurking around though.
"We are, stupid", Alexei moans. The pain hasnʼt gone away.
"Why?" I inquire.
"That, man… we left him, there", he groans or moans in between almost every word uttered. "We should have, searched him, to see, if he had, money, or taken, his boots. He said, we could get money, with them."
I open my eyes wide and stare at him, feeling quite horrified.
"There is nothing… wrong, about it, right?" He asks me, worried about my reaction. I donʼt answer him.
My brotherʼs cries of pain only become stronger over time. I pray to God that the village isnʼt too far away.
Oo
The village turns out to be relatively close to where we encountered the bandits. I cross myself in relief and thank God when I first catch sight of the smoke in the air. Leaving Alexei sitting on the grass and leaning on a tree, I ask lodge by lodge whether they will let us stay for the night without telling anyone about our true identities.
The relief quickly disappears. I am cruelly reminded of how late it actually is by the peasantsʼ angry reactions to my knocking on their doors. People donʼt generally appreciate being awakened past midnight. I know from experience it can be unpleasant.
Thankfully, a kind family does take us in. The husband and wife seem equally kind and decent, and they have lots of cute little children, two of them babies that must be twins. Their wooden house is just as small as the one we left.
Alexei and I lie next to the children near the stove. I donʼt think my brother will be able to sleep though. I massage his legs and arms to ease the pain, but that only seems to make it worse at times.
The happy couple is fussing over the babies sleeping in the womanʼs arms, often sharing smiles and stolen kisses. They seem to be worried about two of the children though, but their evident bliss makes me nostalgic for my childhood nonetheless. Most of the children seem healthy and very loving towards their parents, like my siblings and I were. I close my eyes. Maybe I will have a good dream this time. About marriage and children and…
Children. I suddenly become aware of the dreadful possibility. I may be pregnant.
I open my eyes wide, panicking.
What will our relatives think about me? What will my godmother Olga say? What will grandma say? Will my situation embarrass her? What will Aunt Xenia say? Thinking about the gossip that could ensue among my own relatives makes me start weeping.
If I do become pregnant, I wonʼt be able to keep my shame a secret. How will my sisters feel when they hear the gossip about their own sister? What will Tanya say? She has always been so self-conscious about appearances. She would never stop loving me, I know that, but the gossip will still hurt her deeply.
What about Alexei? How will he feel when he starts hearing lies or jokes being said about me when he painfully knows the truth in full detail?
I mourn the loss of his innocence for the first time, crying freely about it. What he went through is no way for a child to find out about the details of the facts of life. It was horrible, what he saw. I sob in shame and embarrassment just thinking about him witnessing my body being violated while I cried out in pain.
I had not dared to think about the fact he saw it. The mere reminder filled me with anguish. I am drowning in it now.
What I feared the most was that he would see me differently though… but this hasnʼt happened. He respects me as his older sister still. Nothing is different... well, he has become even more affectionate towards me because of what I have endured, but that is the result of his childhood innocence. I know things will change.
Alexei knew little about the facts of life before, mostly through allusions in books, vague information on women's eggs and menʼs seeds in science classes, and a dismissive comment or two from mama and papa whenever he asked about such matters, something that rarely ever happened. His mind was always somewhere else.
Whenever he did ask, he was told he would know much more when he was older and that only married people were supposed to do certain things, such as kissing. He was usually satisfied with these answers. And of course, there was also the inappropriate vocabulary he inevitably acquired by interacting with so many soldiers. Even mama was appalled by it, and more so when Anastasia followed suit. "Ladies are not supposed to speak such nastiness", she would tell my little sister. Alexei didnʼt fully understand the implications of half of what he said, and my sisters and I simply thought it was funny to hear him talk like that, pretending to be an adult.
Now it will never be funny again.
I am far too ashamed to explain anything to him, and I fear he may figure all of it out by himself, which is dreadfully likely and even inevitable. Things havenʼt changed now, but they will change then. I know it.
He will stop looking up to me as his strong older sister, the one who, in his eyes, simply went through a bizarre and painful form of torture but then managed to help him escape as if we were in an adventure book. The one who knows what to do next, where to go next. His godmother. The competent mother figure who is there to protect him, who will succeed at protecting him.
He will grow to pity me, or worse, be disgusted by me. I can already imagine him as a grown man doing so, feeling ashamed of me. Having a fallen woman for a sister... and maybe even a bastard for a nephew.
I find the mere idea of having Tabakovʼs child disgusting, and I will never know if it is indeed his child, or the child of one of the Chekists, or the child of his idiot blond friend. The mere thought fills me with dread. I would never love that child. It would remind me every second of every day of one of the worst days of my life. I quickly decide that if I do become pregnant, I will have the child in secret and give it away to the nuns or monks of a monastery.
I will continue to protect what remains of Alexeiʼs innocence. I will pretend he saw nothing and wait for some other trustworthy relative to explain everything to him when he is a bit older. Once he is safe and no longer exclusively my responsibility. Once the thought of losing his childish devotion doesnʼt pain me as much as it does now.
These decisions make me feel a little bit better.
Our bad luck isnʼt over yet though. The mother of the children didnʼt expect Alexeiʼs sneezing, coughing, and cries of pain to keep her entire family from sleeping, so she asks us, as kindly as she can, to sleep outside on the porch instead.
I donʼt blame her. The poor babies have been crying for a long time, and two of the children seem sick. They need sleep.
The night is cold despite being summer. It must have been the rain earlier. I pray with my brother for his pain to go away, forgiveness for the banditʼs murder, and strength to accept Godʼs will.
"You donʼt have to sleep outside", my brother tells me, moaning in pain, after an hour of trying to fall asleep. "It is me who is making noise, go back inside. I will be fine here, you know I canʼt sleep anyway, right? It wouldnʼt matter if it were warm."
This time, unlike the time he asked me to escape without him, I believe he means what he says, but I am not going to leave him to cry out in pain alone. My brother and I cuddle each other for warmth.
Finally, I allow myself to cry out of pure self-pity. I hate this. I hate what happened to me. It was disgusting. It is still disgusting. I feel disgusting. I hate what is happening to us. I donʼt want to be an orphan. I don't want to sleep outside on the floor. I am scared of what is going to happen next. I want someone to take care of me the way I am taking care of baby. I am tired of everything.
Oo
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I wake up screaming. Another nightmare.
My brother beside me is still trying but failing to sleep, moaning due to the pain on his leg. The huge dark circles under his eyes are more pronounced than they were yesterday. He doesnʼt seem to have reacted to my scream, so I worry. I touch his forehead to see if he has a fever, but I am relieved to find out that isnʼt the case.
The sun is almost completely up and the sky is a pretty shade of dark blue. The owners of the house invite us back inside to have breakfast, and the husband helps me by carrying Alexei, who is barely aware of anything. He doesnʼt even seem to notice when the stranger picks him up, which is probably for the best.
I eat the food and coerce my brother to do the same.
"Remember what you promised me back in the woods", I remind him every time he stops, claiming he is no longer hungry.
Once we are done eating, I begin to ponder on how to keep traveling.
"Can you let him stay here for a few minutes?" I ask the peasant woman, who nods. Alexei looks at me with panic in his tired eyes and shakes his head. "I will come back", I tell him. "I promise, I am just going to investigate how to leave this village." Pyotr must be telling everyone about us right now.
"There is a man who arrives in a few minutes, he sells wool", the woman says. "He is a very nice man and can take you to Kambarka by cart for free, it is a small town not far from here."
That would be fine. We would get further away from those men, and the wool on the cart may help mitigate the inevitable bumps in the road that have harmed Alexei before.
I thank the kind host.
Oo
We leave the village late in the morning. Alexei lies on the wool. He doesnʼt straighten up except when necessary. I use the wool to lift his bad leg as much as possible, which makes him feel a bit more comfortable.
We stop by several villages, where the man sells his merchandise. We are even given something to eat at some point.
My brother eats without coercion despite not being hungry. He really is trying his best after what I told him, poor thing. Having learnt from experience, I don't tell the man our real names.
Whenever the cart is moving, I try to make sure that the bumps in the road don't bother my brother too much by holding him still. The wool helps a lot, but it is impossible to completely avoid all rough movements. I hold his hand tightly when the pain returns intensely at various intervals, but to my great joy, he manages to get a few hours of sleep without any.
I sleep as well, without nightmares. Maybe it is the relief of getting away, maybe it is seeing Alexei rest like he so badly needs to. My brother is the one who wakes up in tears because of a nightmare on one occasion. He hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek as I comfort him, poor thing.
Despite that relief, I canʼt help but grieve the fact we are moving further and further away from my beloved sisters. I miss talking to Tatiana, fooling around with the little pair, and even Nastyaʼs pranks and jokes, despite how annoying they can be when I am not in the mood for them, but now I miss her like crazy. I wish she were here to make those absolutely tone-deaf jests of hers. If Tanya were here she would know how to comfort me and Alexei better. Masha would be keeping our hopes up. Nastya would find it easier than me to make Alyosha forget about his pain by making him laugh.
I am worried sick about them, when will I see them again? Are those awful men going back to the Blue House to guard my baby sisters? The thought destroys my peace. I pray they arenʼt.
I also worry about our future destination. We can't just wander around the country indefinitely. We need a plan, but I don't even know where we are going to get our next meal.
Oo
By the time we get off the cart and thank the man, I am already hungry again.
Alexei and I sit on the sidewalk and rest, looking around at our new surroundings.
Kambarka is a small town, but some of the houses have electricity. One of the main occupations of the population is siderurgy.
"What do we do now, Olya?" Alexei asks me. He is still in pain, but getting some rest has done wonders for his mood. He isnʼt crying, which is remarkable nowadays.
"We need somewhere to sleep, but I donʼt want you to walk while I search for a place", I sigh. "I am so hungry though."
"What if I ask people for money?" Alexei suggests. "They will probably give me lots of it with these crutches."
"Donʼt even think about it", I reply firmly. I detest the idea of my baby brother having to beg for money.
"Come on."
"No."
"Please."
"No!"
"Let me help you with something."
"I said no Alyosha!"
Oo
I stand meters away from my brother as he begs for money from the people passing by. Seeing him do this is making me emotional. He looks like a homeless orphan.
That is what he is, I remind myself. What we are.
Most donʼt give Alexei anything or even look at him, but his youth, crutches, bandaged ear, and horribly swollen cheek provide him with an appearance that inspires enough pity to earn him a few coins.
We enter a local cafeteria, where God seems to be on our side again for the first time in hours when I spot the last empty table and help Alexei sit on one of the wooden chairs.
The tables are made of wood as well. They are covered by pretty flower embroidered tablecloths. The place is slowly becoming crowded though, and I doubt the hygiene is the best either. There are not even waiters.
On my way towards the counter, behind which I can see the door leading to the kitchen, I am stopped by a tall man who pushes me back roughly, making me scream in terror.
"What is wrong with you?" He points at the end of a fairly large group of people standing in line after him. "Wait for your turn." I quickly realize my mistake, also acknowledging the fact I doubt having ever waited in such a long line for anything. He was so rude about it though.
My eyes fill with tears as I take my place at the back. Ugly memories follow me closely behind even as the line moves.
By the time my turn finally comes, I have little clue of what to do. I should have listened to what the people in front of me were saying and paid attention to the way they ordered their food, but I was far too busy crying.
The last time I tried shopping was before the revolution while working as a nurse. Tatiana and I thought it would be fun to sneak out of our hospital in our nursing uniforms and go to a local shop, but we had little clue of how money worked and barely ever carried any around because things were always bought for us, so even that day we forgot to bring the money necessary to buy anything and had to go back to the hospital with our hands empty, hoping no one would notice we had gone missing. It was so very embarrassing.
"What are you going to order?!" The man behind the counter says loudly for what might not have been the first time. "Hurry up!"
"Uhm…" I wipe my tears and start reading the blackboard on the wall, where the names of the various available dishes are spelled out in chalk along with their respective prices.
I start counting the money Alexei gathered, but to my great embarrassment, I have no clue of how much each of the coins or pieces of paper money is worth. There are two with the same number engraved or written and yet they look so different. Which ones are the kopeks? Which ones are the rubles? This canʼt be, we went shopping so often in Yalta... I think I knew perfectly well before, but I don't have enough practice to be certain. To make matters worse, my memory is failing me.
"I donʼt have all day", the man in front of me protests almost at the same time the people behind, still waiting in line, start doing so.
"Two vegetable soups please", I blurt out without thinking. The blackboard says that a vegetable soup costs one ruble. I donʼt know how much money I have, but I do hope it is at least two rubles.
The man extends his hand, and I give him all of the money before looking down at my feet almost immediately. I hear him mutter a few unkind words about being made to count it. This is so unbearably awkward.
"Look, this is only enough for one soup", the man sighs, for once looking at me with sympathy. "You are missing three kopeks."
Oo
A woman behind me in the line takes pity on me, and I am able to buy another vegetable soup after she provides me with the three missing kopeks. It is not much, but maybe just enough to ease the hunger.
While sitting and eating with my brother, I start getting the feeling that the people around us are looking at me as if they knew I have been deflowered. I tell myself that this is a stupid assumption. I stopped bleeding hours ago, and perhaps they aren't looking at me in particular but at everyone out of curiosity. It is also possible that my swollen eye has given me away, but whatever it is, the fact they keep staring irritates me to no end.
There are three men and a woman looking at me with what seems like special interest. A brown bearded man in particular. He is clearly analyzing how I look with a huge frown on his brow and great curiosity.
Analyzing. There is no other word for it. What if he recognized me?
Well, I donʼt think so. I am pretty sure that my face is unrecognizable for now, but they could have recognized Alexei. His cheek is deformed, and his lip is swollen too, but his face as a whole is not drastically different.
But even assuming that they didnʼt recognize me, that is the way everything started. A man eating me up with his eyes. I wonʼt have any of it.
I stand up and walk towards the brown-haired man. "Stop looking at me!" I yell at him. "I am sick of it!"
I return to the table.
"Why did you do that, Olya?" Alexei asks me.
"Finish your soup, quickly", I tell him. "Those people over there might have recognized us."