Chpt. 40 CPOV:

To say that I was surprised to see Ana today would be an understatement; I was truly shocked when she walked through my door. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around her the moment I saw her but instead I forced myself to follow her lead given that I wasn't sure why she was here or where she was at with everything that happened. When her lips met mine, I didn't want the moment to end; it was as if Ana was pouring everything she felt into that kiss. In that moment emotions took over, I immediately pulled her close to me wrapping my arms around her waist, needing to feel her body against mine. I can't seem to find the words to tell her how much she means to me when she finally pulls away leaving us both breathless. I was taken back when she slid her jacket off, allowing me to see the small growing bump-I couldn't believe how much her body has changed in the last few weeks. When she placed my hand on her belly, I was in awe and amazement – that simple gesture meant the world to me. It told me that she still trusted me despite everything that happened and reminded me of the connection that I have missed so much over these last few weeks. As we sat down and began eating our lunch, I had the opportunity to take a good look at Ana and forced myself to not address the obvious sleep deprivation she must be experiencing. Although she tried covering the indicators with make up, I can easily see the bags under her eyes clearly telling me that she is not sleeping at night. When we lived apart briefly after we thought the threats were done with, she had admitted she had difficulty sleeping by herself but she didn't get into specifics as to why she wasn't sleeping. Looking at her today I can clearly see she has probably been sleeping as little as I have been.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the appointment on Friday with Flynn; I even called Flynn demanding him tell me what the session is going to be about but of course he refused reminding me that I need to trust and talk with Ana. Of course I think the worst, even though Ana stated otherwise, I can't help but fear that she is going to use this session to end things with me. The last few weeks have been horrible without Ana; I've resorted to asking Sawyer several times a day for updates on Ana – needing to know that she and the baby are okay. I am pleased that Ana is sticking with Sawyer whenever she leaves her apartment; I would be an absolute wreck if she didn't agree to have security with her.

The remainder of the week passes by slowly, each day dragging on longer than the one before it. My nights are filled with nightmares both of Ana and that fucker as well as my mother's pimp burning me. I barely sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time; I can feel the lack of sleep taking its toll on me as I struggle to concentrate despite multiple cups of coffee. I've always had problems sleeping and had been used to functioning on only a few hours of sleep but after sleeping through the night with Ana next to me every night for months, I've forgotten how difficult it is when you don't sleep. I find myself growing anxious as the afternoon drags by on Friday; on one hand I just want to fast forward until the appointment with Flynn but on other hand as long as I don't hear what Ana wants to tell me tonight I can pretend that everything will be fine between us.

See you tonight at 6? –C

Yes, will meet you there –A

That subtle text exchange gives me mixed thoughts; is Ana saying she doesn't want to drive to Flynn's office because she wants to be able to leave alone after the appointment? Is this her way of maintaining the space between us? Suddenly I recall the conversation just before she left my office earlier this week, when I asked her point blank if she was planning on leaving me. Thinking back to her choice of words, I'm even more confused; she seems to think that whatever she will tell me tonight may change my mind of continuing our relationship. There is nothing that Ana could say to me tonight that would make me want to end things with her! I want Ana in my life, in any capacity, with or without BDSM as long as I have her I can deal with anything.

"Sir, we should be leaving if we are to arrive by 6," Taylor interrupts my thoughts.

"Yes, I'm ready," I take a deep breath before gathering anything I might need for the weekend. I want nothing more than to spend the weekend with Ana, leaving all of this work stuff behind but if this isn't what Ana wants I know I'm going to need something to try to keep my mind off of her. As we drive the short distance to Flynn's office, I can't help but think about how much my life has changed since that fateful trip to Taiwan. Before that trip I was naive when it came to the BDSM lifestyle; I truly had no impact that any relationship could have on my life. Going to the sex club that night I thought I was going strictly to help me gain control over my life; who would have thought I would fall in love…

"Sir, we have arrived," Taylor announces a few minutes later.

Getting out of the car, I stand in front of the door to Flynn's office building unsure if I'm ready to go in yet. Taylor urges me to enter the building, literally giving me the physical push I needed to move forward in that moment. When we walk into Flynn's office his receptionist asks me to wait a few moments as he is still with another patient. A moment later Sawyer and Ana walk into the waiting area; Ana once again taking my breath away just by entering the room. It's at this moment that I realize how much I have taken her for granted, how this time apart has helped me realize just how much I truly need her in my life.

"Hi," she smiles shyly sitting down next to me.

"Hi," I kiss her softly on the cheek leaving my lips on her far longer than actually needed.

"How was your week?" she asks.

"Long," I sigh; there are no other words to describe the incredible slowness that occurred since Ana and I had lunch only a few days ago.

"Mine too," she admits sadly.

I can't help but wonder if she is thinking the same thing I am; was her week just as long because she was dreading this session? Or was it long because she was uncertain of my reaction to whatever she is going to tell me?

"Christian, Ana please come in," Dr. Flynn says a few moments later after a young woman leaves his office.

"Thank you for seeing us tonight Dr. Flynn," Ana sits down in a chair next to me.

"Yes, thank you, " I mumble still not sure how I feel about what is about to happen.

"Christian, as you know Ana has asked for this joint session," Flynn begins. "For the most part, I am here simply as a silent observer and will not interject unless one of you ask me to. I encourage you to be open and honest with one another, hiding or disguising your true feelings or thoughts will likely lead to complications in the future. Communication and honesty are the keys to any successful relationship; please keep that in mind as talk to one another."

"Christian," Ana takes a deep breath before reaching for my hand. "I want to thank you for giving me the space I needed over these last few weeks. I know this wasn't easy for you, please know that it was just as hard for me. There were so many times over the last few weeks when all I wanted to do was go to you. There was even one morning that I went to your apartment but you had already left for work –"

"I didn't know, no one told me," I say surprised.

"I know," she sighs. "I asked Gail not to tell you I was there. I don't know why I was there…something inside of me just needed to see you. I've struggled a lot these past few weeks," she pauses looking to Flynn for encouragement who simply nods his head. "I've struggled with what I thought I needed, with what happened to me and with what I thought you needed. One thing that I have never struggled with was how much I love you; no matter what happens you need to know that I love you with all my heart and always will. I will always be thankful to you for everything you have ever done for me, for all the ways that you have helped me become a better person. I can honestly say that I had no idea what love was before I met you. Who would have thought that going to a sex club in a foreign country would have led me to find the love of my life?"

"Oh Ana…" I squeeze her hand tightly truly overwhelmed by her words. "I love you so much baby-"

"I have never doubted that," she smiles shyly at me. "Over the last couple of weeks, with Dr. Flynn's assistance, I have begun to come to terms with what I thought I wanted is not what I want any longer. Christian, with everything that has happened, I know there is no way I can go back to BDSM – at least not in the true sense of lifestyle. Honestly, I don't know that I can ever see myself going back into your playroom-"

"Ana, baby," I interrupt. "The playroom is gone."

"What? What do you mean it's gone?" she asks, the surprise evident both in her voice and in her eyes.

"I had it torn out when you were still in the hospital; I knew…after everything that had happened that you wouldn't be able to go back in there," I explain. "And honestly, I don't know that I could ever go back into that room either."

"Really? I…but what about your need for control? How can you give it up so quickly?" she whispers.

"Dr. Flynn has helped me identify some other physical activities that I could do when I feel the need for control; I've recently taken up kickboxing, I've been working out and running more often," I explain with a small smile. "It's all helping…"

"Dr. Flynn has tried to have me come up with things to help when I'm stressed as well," she explains. "BDSM was such a piece of who we were…it's hard to imagine our relationship without it but at the same point I know I could never go back to the lifestyle. This is what confused me the most after….after what happened; I know that we both craved scenes at times and I had to come to terms that what I once craved and what I want now are two different things."

"Baby, I'll give up everything if it means having you in my life. I can't picture my life without you; BDSM or no BDSM I don't care, I just want you," I whisper.

"I was so afraid that I shouldn't be asking you to give up BDSM for me that I wasn't thinking about what you would want during all of this," she admits. "It was Dr. Flynn who helped me see that I shouldn't jump to conclusions about how you might react but instead should talk to you about what we both want. I was afraid that by asking you to give up BDSM that I was asking you to give up being in control which is such a large part of who you are-"

"You're not asking me to give up anything baby," I assure her. "The moment I saw those images, the pictures and videos of what he did to you, I knew I could never bring you back into a room like that. In that moment, even before we found you, I told Taylor that when this was over I wanted the room destroyed."

"The pictures and videos? He sent you-" she whispers.

"You didn't know?" I ask surprised; she shakes her head. "He sent still pictures and videos of…you to me along with his ransom demands."

"You saw…him….?" She mumbles.

"Yes," I admit sadly. "From that moment, I knew I could never hit you again – even if it was consensual. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to bring you in there again."

"That's been the thing that I have struggled with the most since….well since this ordeal began," she pauses as if she is struggling to find the words. I squeeze her hand in encouragement and just wait, giving her time to say whatever she needs to say. "I've enjoyed our time in the playroom just as much as I've enjoyed our time outside the playroom," she blushes deeply when she pauses.

"I have too," I smile.

"I love the connection we have when we are in a scene, I love giving up that all control to you and placing complete trust in you," she says a few minutes later. "The thought of giving up that scared me, but at the same time I couldn't see going back in the playroom again. This was the thing I struggled with the most; how to move forward, how to give up that part of our relationship and still feel that connection, that sense of calm that a scene brings from giving up that control. It was Dr. Flynn that helped me realize that perhaps we don't need to give everything up…"

"Huh? What? I'm confused," I admit looking between Ana and Dr. Flynn who simply urges me with a hand gesture to talk to Ana. "What are you saying?"

"Dr. Flynn pointed out that many couples often enjoy a little…" she pauses and blushes a deep red before whispering the next part. "Kink….in the bedroom even if they don't participate in BDSM. I can't imagine participating in certain aspects of BDSM after what happened, but perhaps we could find a middle ground to help us both with our control issues."

"Oh…I…." for once I have to admit I am speechless. All sorts of images go through my mind with what Ana is suggesting; we've enjoyed many scenes outside of our playroom that we both have enjoyed.

"Ana, Christian, this isn't something you need to decide today," Dr. Flynn speaks up.

"There's no decision, " I interrupt. "We can try whatever Ana wants-"

"But what do you want Christian?" Dr. Flynn asks.

"I just want you, Ana, back in my life. I want to sleep with you every night, to wake up next to you every morning, to have breakfast with you every day, to take care of you," I ramble trying to convey that really I just want Ana – anyway I can have her. "Leading up to this session, I thought of everything you might say to me – both good and bad. You're right; I love the connection that we had in the playroom but I love that connection just as much as I love the connection we have outside the bedroom. I know that I will be satisfied with vanilla sex with or without a little kink thrown in. I hadn't considered a middle ground between BDSM and vanilla sex, but I suppose there have been times when that's exactly what we've done. I love knowing that you trust me completely, that you know that I will never hurt you…"

"I know it's going to take time to get there, and Dr. Flynn has helped me understand that communication is going to be the key when we start moving forward…" she blushes a deep pink again causing me to chuckle considering how verbal I've heard her in the bedroom in the past. "There's going to be things that I know I won't be able to handle, but I want you to know that it won't have anything to do with not trusting you-"

"I know, and I promise I will respect any boundaries you put in place just like you have respected mine," I reminder her.

"Christian, Ana," Dr. Flynn breaks in. "You two have done a wonderful job communicating your needs and feelings today; I hope that as you explore this new area of your relationship that you can continue this openness with one another as it's going to be key. I would encourage you to have a few joint sessions together, as well as keeping up your individual sessions, discussing issues as they come up. You both need to be prepared to hit some bumps in the road as you move forward, but with open communication you will be able to move past them."

"Thank you for everything Dr. Flynn," Ana surprises us both by walking around the desk and hugging him tightly.

"Thank you Flynn, for…everything," I shake his hand before taking Ana's hand in mine and walking out of his office.

"Where to?" I ask as we step into the hallway where Taylor is waiting for us having already sent Sawyer back to Escala.

"I wouldn't mind dinner," she says shyly.

"I can have Gail put something together or…" I trail off unsure of what she wants; I'm not sure where we are right now.

"If you don't think she would mind," Ana says.

"Of course not, Taylor?" I ask.

"Gail will have something prepared shortly," he confirms.

The ride back to Escala is quiet but the silence is comfortable; Ana is sitting next to me, her hand gripping mine tightly as I think about everything that just happened. Even though I had played out the session in my head a million times before today, I never once considered what Ana proposed today. I never considered that Flynn would help us find a comprise on our sex life and immediately I realize I certainly don't pay this man enough vowing to give him a nice holiday bonus for everything he has done not just for me but for Ana too. Arriving back at Escala, Ana and I take the elevator to my penthouse and immediately the smell of food cooking fills the air.

"Something smells delicious," Ana breathes in deeply.

"Mr. Grey, Ms. Steele, dinner is ready if you would like to eat now," Gail greets us moments later.

"Thank you for preparing something so fast Gail," Ana smiles.

"No problem, it's wonderful to see you again," she says.

"Have you been sleeping Christian?" Ana asks halfway through our roasted chicken dinner.

"Somewhat," I admit. "A couple of hours here and there mostly."

"Me too," she admits sadly. As much as I want to ask, I don't. If she doesn't want to talk about her nightmares I don't want to force her to. It was one of the many things that made me fall in love with her in the first place, she didn't ask about my nightmares right away.

"How's work been going?" she quickly changes the subject.

We spent the rest of dinner discussing our respective companies and projects we are working on. Under Ana's guidance, a book published simultaneously by both SIP and Seattle E Books has landed on the best seller list for the first time. Ana's face lights up when talking about the challenges and rewards of merging the two companies together and surprises me by announcing that Seattle E Books will be moving into my building into the space that SIP currently occupies. She has worked with building maintenance to rearrange the floors to accommodate the extra staff and equipment and expects the move to be completed within the next couple of weeks. Following dinner, we move to the great room, sitting on the couch in front of the fire continuing our conversation about work. As I begin telling Ana about GEH's latest acquisition, she rests her head on my shoulder and within moments is sound asleep. I only hesitate a few moments before deciding to text Sawyer and Taylor letting the both know there services won't be needed this evening and carry Ana upstairs to our bedroom.