July 26th, 1918.
Alexei Nikolaevich Romanov.
I wake up on a moving train. The curtains are open, so I know it is already daytime, but when did we go ashore?
I am in a cabin, lying on two of the seats and covered by a blanket. My forehead is sticky with dried sweat, my cheeks are marked by old tears, and my bad knee is raised by pillows. The pain in my legs and arms is still there, but it is a lot milder. My head hurts as well.
My sister is sleeping on the cabinʼs two remaining seats across from mine. She looks really tired sleeping like that, with her mouth wide open. I think she was the one holding my hand and kissing my face. I do not know exactly what happened, but I am sure I ruined her night. Not wanting to wake her up, I try to sleep again.
Oo
The next time I wake up, Olenka is caressing my forehead. I feel exhausted, not as if I had just been sleeping.
"What happened?" My voice is raspy.
"Your knee is the most swollen it has been since you accidentally bumped it on the bed back in Ekaterinburg", Olga holds my hand. "It caused you an unbelievable amount of pain tonight, my poor soul, and you have also been delirious with fever. Furthermore, do you know how many times you threw up? Five, my poor little thing."
My sister seems sad, but also composed. This is not the first time something similar happens.
Looking at me with affection, Olga kisses my hand two times and then places it on the side of her face. I want to kiss her dear face as well, but I am too weak and still in pain. All I can do is caress her good cheek with the hand she is tenderly holding, making her smile. My poor sister.
We keep staring at each other. After a while, she continues telling me what happened:
"We already went ashore at Kazan. Valeriy and I stopped by a hotel to give you a cold bath before leaving for the train station. Right now, we are heading towards Moscow, but it seems you were too ill to notice anything. You passed out several times, like when you had the nosebleed, remember? You couldn't stop coughing and even threw up twice. I suffered so much tonight seeing you like that. We had to give you another morphine injection. I allowed Anastasia to give you a bigger dose this time."
I am so grateful for her. She is like a saint, like mama. I really want to hug her, but then a terrible thought crosses my mind.
"Moscow? Why?!" Intense pain floods my entire body when I try to sit up. "Were those red guards real? Are we arrested again?!"
"Sh, shh, no, talk less loudly", my sister makes me lie down again by caressing my forehead with the hand she is not using to hold mine. "After getting to Moscow, we are heading south", Olga explains. "But we are staying there for a day to rest. That was always part of the plan. Sergei passed himself as a member of the Cheka to get us good cabins." She chuckles.
"But were those red guards real?!" I cry. "I heard them asking for us!"
"You are not wrong. A few red guards halted the train at one of the stations. They were looking for a thirteen-year-old boy and a woman with a battered face. When they inevitably suspected us, Sergei gave them a great speech in which he introduced you as the brave red guard injured in battle, just like he told us he would yesterday morning. I wish you had been conscious enough to appreciate that incredibly well-acted spectacle. You were yelling the entire time that they were going to kill you, my poor dear, but the red guards believed you were referring to the Czech. Some of them even started singing the Marseillaise and other revolutionary songs to you. It was incredibly fun to play along by joining them. Valeriy and Anastasia came up with the idea. I was terribly afraid they would uncover the truth based on the simple fact I didnʼt know the lyrics to any of the songs though, so I just mumbled them…" Olga giggles. I smile and try to laugh, which makes her laugh properly for a few seconds. "It was very amusing indeed despite the horrible circumstances", she smiles. "You looked so scared it was painful to watch, but you are right sunbeam, our three saviors are very nice. You have no idea how much they have helped me take care of you."
I grin from ear to ear, glad to know that most of what I saw and heard last night happened only in my mind, but I am quite disappointed nonetheless. It would have been incredibly fun to experience everything Olga described while being aware of what was happening.
"Did you act as the woman attacked by the foreign counterrevolutionaries who was going to join the Red Army?" I ask.
"I was too afraid to say anything until the singing began", Olga chuckles. "I thought it was the end at first, but yes, Sergei told them my made-up story and I didn't contradict him. Instead, I glared at the red guards as if they were stupid buffoons who had made a huge mistake crossing me, a soldier. I don't know if that can be called acting, I am sure Nastya would have done it better."
We both laugh, and then Olga shows me the face she made at the red guards. It is so funny. I love her so much.
I raise my right arm, opening and closing my hand to communicate I want to hug her. She understands the gesture and takes me into her arms. It feels so nice I want to cry from relief.
Olya has the same warmness papa had. I feel almost as safe as I would if he were still here.
"I did have many nightmares this time", I confess, weeping.
"I know darling", my sister hugs me tighter. "I heard you screaming."
I donʼt really describe any of my nightmares. She must know what they were about. There is nothing I have gone through that hasnʼt been similarly terrible or worse for her.
I do repeat how much they scared and horrified me over and over again as she hugs and comforts me without any rush, just affection. I cry for mama and papa and she sympathizes. I take all of the time I need and she doesnʼt complain. I do love her.
"They were so very cruel to you!" I sob loudly, finally letting it all out. "They hurt you! Animals! Animals!"
"We are safe now, darling", she replies calmly, but I can tell she is crying as well. Her voice broke with emotion. I no longer feel guilty about making her cry as I would have before though. I think she needs to cry. I think it may make her feel better.
"Does it hurt now?" I ask, sniveling. "What they did?"
"It hurts less and less every hour darling", she weeps. "I will be fine, and donʼt you dare worry about that." Then, after kissing my cheek twice, she adds: "Your legs and arms must hurt a lot more now."
I think she is lying. I have seen her limping. I am in a lot of pain though. It grows stronger by the minute. Maybe my legs do hurt more, which does soothe me a bit. It means she will be fine. If I can take it, so can she. Olga is strong.
We keep crying in each otherʼs arms. It goes on for a while. I enjoy being safe. I enjoy knowing that she is safe, at least for now. Please God, donʼt let anyone hurt her like that ever again. Anything but that.
"Thank you", I tell her, kissing her cheek. "Thank you for taking care of me, you are a jewel, I love you."
I am no longer weeping, but my cheeks are still wet with tears.
"I love you too sunbeam", she says. "I hope the worst is over now."
Olga tells wipes her own tears, and after she kisses my cheek one more time, we pull away and I lie back down. My sister takes a deep breath.
"Are you hungry, Alexei?" She asks. "It is already time for dinner. We can eat here in the cabin if you are too tired to move."
I am not hungry, and she probably knows that, but I want to get better, so I nod.
We eat inside the cabin, and I have to sit up straight to do so, which makes the room spin around. Swallowing is torture, and not only because my throat is sore from the cold and the yelling. I do not feel like throwing up or anything, but the food is bland, at least for me. Nourishing my body does seem to improve my condition after a while though. I feel much stronger, but having to cough every few minutes is annoying, and my leg still hurts so much I want to cry out at times.
My sister keeps reading "Little Women" to me as I rest to recover my strength.
Oo
"What is the point of anything she just dies in the end?" I complain as soon as Olga finishes reading chapter 40. "She should have healed", I keep protesting. "Jo was taking care of her."
I realize, embarrassed, that I have the urge to cry again for both the sister who dies in the book and the pain in my leg. I barely manage to pull myself together.
"I am sorry Alyosha", Olga says. "These things happen all the time."
"But I don't get why the author would write that when she can decide what it is that happens", I object. "All those things Beth did for the poor German family and..." I cough several times, " and how her sister Jo took care of her tirelessly when she was ill for nothing, she just dies in the end when she was the nicest one!"
My voice breaks at the last word, and I start crying. I am being so stupid right now, upset over a book when my parents are dead, but it is not fair, why did it need to have a sick character who dies in the end? This is not the right time for that!
Olga puts an index finger on her chin and starts thinking. She always tries to find a good answer to every question.
"This part of the story is not necessarily about Beth, Alyosha, although she was indeed at the center of it", my sister explains. "Beth inspired her sisters to appreciate what they had, something they didn't do while she was healthy, and she moved other people with her kindness. She might have died, but her story matters, it is important. Think of everything it taught Meg, Jo, and Amy about love and devotion. She will live in them every time they think about Beth and are inspired by her strength. Think about Jo, if she were real, mama would say that her soul grew by having such devotion for her sister. It is never, ever, for nothing. God knows why He does things.
"It made me sad as well, especially because of how much I miss our sisters. Beth reminds me of our sweet Masha in particular, although Beth is shyer. I find it very moving to see you react this way, especially because you didn't want to read the book at first, remember?" Olga smiles at the recent memory, but now I wish I had never read the stupid book.
I must still look upset, because my sister gives me a forehead kiss, wipes my tears, and then pinches my good cheek to cheer me up. I burst into sobs and hug her. What she said just reminded me of my Tatiana, Maria, and Anastasia. Masha gave the best hugs. She hugged as tight as a bear, and she does remind me of Beth. I miss her and her hugs.
But most of all I am still upset about the book. Why did she have to die? It is just a story, I know, but death is real. It has taken so many people I care about already. Death could come for me any moment, leaving my sisters heartbroken and sad. I do not like it.
I sob.
"Donʼt worry Alyosha, you are not Beth, I promise", Olenka comforts me. That statement only makes me more emotional, so I continue crying in her arms as she strokes my hair. It is as if she could read my mind.
It takes me a while to regain composure, but eventually I do.
"Keep reading", I pull away from Olga, sniffling. She smiles.
The remaining chapters go by quickly.
Oo
"Laurie should have married Jo", I say. "If I were Laurie, I would have married her. Jo was more fun to be around."
Olga chuckles, and my mood improves. I sit up with my back straight, ignoring the pain.
Olya kneels before me. "Amy and Laurie had more things in common, they complemented each other", she points out. "I actually liked that they end up together. I think they would have a successful marriage if they were real, and besides, you don't always get to marry the person you love. Many circumstances come into play. The other person may not love you back the same way, they may find themselves in love with someone else, their status may not be suitable for…"
"Like you and Pavel Voronv!" I exclaim. Olga blushes, and I can tell she is trying not to smile at the memory of Pavel. I like making her smile.
Paul Voronov was one of the officers of the Standart, our yacht. My sisters told me that Olga liked him a lot.
"Yes…" Olga admits. "But he married someone else, just like Laurie. Sometimes, people are simply not meant for each other. It is Godʼs will."
"And Tanya and Malama!" I laugh, coughing at the same time. "And Masha and Kolya!"
Dmitri was a soldier Tatiana helped nurse back to health. He gave her Ortipo, her bulldog. The first one died, but Malama gave her a second dog because he loved her very much.
Kolya was also an officer of the Standart. He was very fat, so we called him fatso. He was also kind, meek, and tender like our dear Masha though, so she, of course, loved him. On one occasion, I had to defend Kolya from his boss. I liked Kolya, and he was being treated unfairly.
Olga rolls her eyes at my overenthusiasm, but she is still smiling. I love knowing about my sisters' crushes. It is so amusing!
It is also funny to think they would have to kiss them if they ever got married, but not like those men kissed Olga while she looked dead. They would both stick their mouths together at the same time like mama and papa used to do sometimes, which looks very weird and must feel kind of icky. It would be so fun to assist a wedding where one of my sisters gets married and kisses her husband in the end. My sisters are going to be so happy when they wed, and I will gain four entire brothers! I have always wanted one.
But... I am probably going to miss them as well... and I will no longer be the most special man in their lives after papa...
I shamefully admit to myself that I will also feel a bit jealous. I selfishly hope none of them gets married too soon.
"Exactly, both Kolya and Malama were very nice and decent men, and they would have made excellent husbands for our sisters in different circumstances", Olga chuckles.
"Did you ever kiss Voronov?" I ask with a devilish grin.
"Alyosha!" Olga exclaims, raising her eyebrows, but then she relaxes. "No, darling, never, or ever did the sisters kiss any of their sweethearts. It is not appropriate to kiss anyone who isn't your spouse yet on the mouth, but Voronov and I talked a lot, and I felt deliriously happy every time I saw him or was near him. I missed him tremendously whenever he was gone, and he was one of the main reasons I loved the sea. I became a bit obsessed, and he was only the first man I loved as intensely. There was also my Mitya, who I haven't seen in so long, I hope he is alright and... oh well, I am rambling. You will understand someday when you are older."
Olga can't help but smile and blush as she speaks about the feelings she had or maybe still has for Voronov and Mitya. What she said before makes me feel outraged on her behalf though.
I need to tell her, but I fear she will be embarrassed. She did tell me not to talk about it… I am not sure about it now...
"Those bad men who beat you also kissed you while you were not awake", I finally decide to say, lowering my head.
Olga nods, her eyes filling with tears as she does. She is becoming more upset than I thought she would.
For an instant, I wish I hadnʼt told her, but I also think she has the right to know. I would want to know.
"I wish they had at the very least not done that", my sister wipes her tears away, giving me a sad smile.
She would have never wanted to kiss them herself! Those entitled men… I feel even more outraged. Guiltier than ever about not having protected her. I didnʼt do everything I could. I am still alive.
If I werenʼt so sick, I wouldnʼt have been as afraid. I would have been brave. I would have chosen to keep fighting the four of them till the end.
"I am sorry," I say. I am the man of no house.
"Don't worry, let us not talk or even think about that ever again, all right?"
I nod. If that makes her feel better, then so be it. I will never, ever tell anyone.
Still, I canʼt help but feel confused. I feel terrified whenever I think about what they did to me, but not embarrassed. Olga, on the other hand, seems ashamed of what happened.
I know that what they did to her was exceptionally gross and icky, but this merely proves that those men are incredibly evil and hateful, and that there is something wrong with their heads, otherwise I can't see how they could have come up with something like that to torture someone. They were obviously crazy. If my sister told everyone what they did to her, the Russian people would finally see why it is dangerous to put the reds in charge of the country. They made my sister suffer so much... they were embarrassing her, hurting her, humiliating her. They were killing her. I hold back tears.
"I am sorry", I repeat.
"For what?" She asks with concern.
"Nothing", I smile. I need to change the subject, as I do not want to start crying again. "I don't care what you say, Laurie should have married Jo."
Olga rolls her eyes, smiles, shakes her head, and proceeds to explain to me why I am wrong as if this were a math question with an unquestionably correct answer and not some silly preference.
I donʼt back down so easily though. I really do believe Jo and Laurie should have ended up together. Eventually, Olga seems to grow tired of my ramblings.
"I canʼt believe how much you care about this, Alyosha, you are just as romantic as me and the sisters!" Olga exclaims in bewilderment. "This reminded me of when you were little. You told Cousin Elizabeth that you loved her, it was the sweetest thing ever!"
I used to play with Cousin Elizabeth and her older sister Olga before the revolution. I love them both, Elizabeth even more so, but not like that. She is my friend.
"I donʼt remember that happening", I say. "And I am not as romantic as the sisters. I am not romantic at all. I am a boy."
"You and Elizabeth were only three years old, so of course you donʼt remember", Olga grins. "But you must remember your friend Irina Tolstaya, you wanted to marry her, do you recall? And you even worried Mr. Gilliard would be the one to win her affections. That was not too long ago, like three or four years at most have passed."
"I do remember Irina, she is very pretty and kind," I admit. "But she was an adult when we met, so she must have seen me as a little brother." I smile. Still, she was a good friend to all of us. Every time my sisters saw Irina, they would let me know in their letters.
"Of course, and you were too young to give this tiny crush much thought or lose sleep over her, but once you grow older, these things will begin to matter more", Olga says. "You need to remember that the woman's feelings matter too. Jo didn't want to marry Laurie."
"I know, I know", I sigh. "I just wish she did though", I sneeze, "they would have been good together because they had a lot of fun every time…"
"But she didnʼt, and when you get older, you need to respect women's feelings on these matters, on any matter that concerns them", my sister leans forward and says the next words in a profoundly serious tone. "Promise me you will always respect women like mama and papa taught you to."
"I promise", I nod, keeping my eyes wide open. I do not understand why that matters so much though. You canʼt get married if you donʼt want to anyway. The woman would only have to say she doesnʼt come freely during the declaration of intent after the procession and the priest will not continue marrying her.
Thinking about marriages makes me remember that time before the war when my family visited Rumania. They wanted Olga to marry the Crown Prince of Rumania, Carol, but my sister did not like him.
"It is like with Carol, right?" I ask, coughing. "You didn't like him, and papa respected that."
"Exactly," my sister replies, and then she smiles. "I don't think Carol liked me either, although I wouldn't really know. I had already decided before we even got to Rumania that I wouldn't marry him, so we didn't speak much. He later asked papa for Mashka's hand when she was only seventeen! Papa rightfully told Carol that Maria was only a schoolgirl."
"It would have been weird for Masha to marry so young, especially Carol", I chuckle… but if Olga had married Carol, those horrible things would not have happened to her. "Do you regret not marrying Carol?" I ask my sister. Back then, I worried Olga would be moving away. Now, at times, I wish she had.
"It is funny. Tatiana and I talked about this months ago. Even now, after everything that has happened, I do not regret refusing to marry Carol. I wanted to remain in Russia, and I can't even begin to imagine how worried I would have been for all of you since February of last year if I had been in Rumania during the revolution. The uncertainty would have killed me."
Her answer makes me feel a bit better.
I love teasing my sister about her would-be husband, but I do not actually remember much about Carol. The thing I recall the most about that trip is playing with his siblings, Prince Nicholas and Princess Ileana of Rumania. While eating grapes during a tea party, I spit the pips into the lemonade bowl with a really good aim. Then I taught Nicholas how to do the same.
Years after my familyʼs visit to Rumania, I was shown fresh pictures of Ileana. She must look even prettier now. I remember she had light brown hair, a small nose, and gorgeous light eyes, either green or blue. They illuminated her beautiful face. She was really nice and kind to me during the visit, so I playfully told her I would come back someday and marry her. Nastya teased me mercilessly about this for weeks.
"I liked Ileana a lot", I tell Olga, and she smiles at me. "Olya, do you think that if we meet again when we are older and she likes me back I will be able to marry her even if I never become the Tsar?"
Olga gives me a sad look.
"I don't think so, Alyosha", she replies. "Not unless her family recognizes your claim in exile, but I think they would prefer to make an alliance with a house that is still in power."
I lower my head. That is a bit unfortunate, but she is probably right. I hadn't thought about Ileana in a long time anyway.
"But don't worry darling", Olga keeps going. "There are lots of other girls out there who are free to marry whoever they want, and you are too young to be worrying about that either way."
That reminds me there is something good about all of this.
"Olya!" I exclaim. "Now that you are no longer a Grand Duchess, you can also marry whoever you want when we get to the Crimea! Even an officer like Voronov! Or a soldier like Mitya! Of course we have to wait for our sisters fir…"
"I am not going to get married Alyosha", Olga interrupts me with a sad smile and a melancholic tone of voice.
I do not understand. She may be too sad to get married now, but she can get married in a few years, can she not?
"Why not?" I ask. "You have always wanted to get married."
"I have changed my mind", she responds. "I think I am going to join a convent once I am sure all of you are safe."
I raise my eyebrows.
"But why did you change your mind?" I inquire further.
My sister doesnʼt seem to know what to say. She looks around the cabin and bites her lip, probably searching for a good answer to give me. I am sure she will tell me a lie. I can see it in her face. It annoys me.
"The trials God has sent me have put things into perspective", she finally replies. "The things I once considered desirable don't feel so important anymore. I think I will feel more at peace in a convent."
That makes sense. Convents are peaceful places full of prayer. They are an incredibly good choice to forget about what happened. Olga has always been the most religious out of my sisters. If any of them was destined to join a convent, that would be her.
But still, Olenka looked so happy when I mentioned the man she used to love, and the way she reacted to our discussions about marriages and fictional book couples proves that the thought of romance is still dear to her heart.
Perhaps Olga does want to join a convent, but I know that this is not what would make her deliriously happy, as she said Voronov made her feel. My sister even sounded sad when she said that she wasn't going to get married, as if she had been cursed with being unable to do so and it weren't a decision she freely made.
"I don't think joining a convent is what would make you happy Olenka", I tell her. She is about to argue back, but I continue speaking before she is able to. "You can, of course, do whatever you want. I understand what you told me. Maybe joining a convent will solve all of the problems troubling your soul, for you will stop wishing for anything and live only to serve Christ, who will dry every single one of your tears."
"That is why…" Olga begins, but I interrupt her once again.
"But it is not what would make you the happiest. Christ will always be there with you and comfort you throughout every trial you face, whether you join a convent or not.
"You are not joining a convent out of vocation, or because God gave you a sign. You are joining a convent because you think you can no longer marry, which is not a good reason. Even if you do remain a spinster, that doesn't mean you have to join a convent. You wouldn't be able to dance as often, and you always loved to dance. You wouldn't be able to spend as much time with us either. The sisters and I would miss you. I don't understand why you can't get married anyway."
Tears flood my sisterʼs eyes, but she wipes them away before they fall.
"Baby, I will try to explain", Olga breathes in and out deeply, and after pondering for a while what she is about to say, she continues. "No decent man would consider me a good choice for marriage anymore, not after… I…
"Not after those men did all of those distasteful things to me, it is… considered bad luck, yes, their families may not like the idea either, and I can't change that."
"But what does that have to do with anything? That sounds like silly superstition", I say. "You are good, sweet, kind, smart, brave, you are good at singing and playing piano as well and… and… sorry, at the moment you are not very pretty, but once your face heals you will look good again, everyone always says that you sisters are pretty."
"Oh, darling!" Olga beams. She then laughs wholeheartedly, messing with my hair as if what I just said were only a joke or something endearing that should not be taken seriously. I frown. It makes me so angry. I really meant what I said. I hate it when people are condescending.
I also hate that Olga may genuinely accept this injustice when she is so good to everyone, when she has been so good to me. Her heart is filled with devotion and selflessness, and she has acted like a martyr ever since the Chekists came for me. She has acted like mama.
Now I understand why Olga is so ashamed. I understand why she does not want me to tell anyone. She fears people won't like her anymore. Those people would be stupid. What happened to Olga could happen to anyone unlucky enough to meet men as crazy as the ones we met. There is nothing wrong with my sister.
A different idea crosses through my mind. Maybe what they did to her is what only husbands and wives are supposed to do together in order to make babies. That thing alluded to in several of the books I have read. That thing mama and papa said I would know more about once I was older. Maybe that is why what they did to her was so awful… because it was like kissing! Maybe that is why she doesnʼt want to get married!
I hate the idea. A shiver runs down my spine at the mere thought. It canʼt be true, it canʼt be… I don't want it to be. It looked way too painful, and if that is what makes babies, then papa had to do it to mama. Papa wouldnʼt have. He wouldnʼt. It canʼt be. My parents loved each other.
Mama wouldn't have loved papa as much if it were true, and no woman would want to get married… duh. No man would want to get married either. The idea was stupid. I breathe a sigh of relief.
Maybe it is something similar though. Other possibilities go through my mind... icky. I donʼt want to think about it. I am glad I am only thirteen.
Those decent men are worthless either way if they reject my sister for that reason. I do not like them. I almost hate them. I prefer to be indecent if that is what a decent man is.
It is not fair that my sister may have to deal with rudeness or meanness now when she has gone through so much already.
My sight gets blurry as I imagine people bullying or mocking her just like those evil men did. If that ever happens, it will be because of me. The pain in my leg is becoming as bad as it was yesterday. I may cry again, but I do not want to do it in front of Olga at the moment. I am still mad at her for not taking my compliments seriously. I am also kind of ashamed of being such a crybaby today.
"Don't be angry Alexei!" Olga exclaims when she sees my frown, evidently amused by my anger, which just makes me angrier. "That is just the way things are most of the time in the world, but thank you for everything you said, it was very sweet."
Sweet. I pout as soon as I hear that word. She refuses to take me seriously, and if that werenʼt enough, I can barely think with this pain! I wipe my tears before they fall and cross my arms. I do not want her to comfort me now. I am really mad at her.
"Well, you are stupid, boring, and too mean and angry to be bearable", I tell her. "If that is what you believe then that is what you are. I donʼt care."
"I will tell you something Alexei", she says. "If I ever find a decent man who is willing to marry me, and I want to do it as well, I will accept his proposal just to take that ugly frown off your face."
I try to stop myself from smiling, but I fail. I wipe what is left of my tears and chuckle. I know she only said that to make me happy, but I do not want to be angry at her anymore.
When Olga picks up on the fact I am in a better mood, she starts tickling me. We burst into laughter as we try to tickle each other. I never succeed at doing so, but she does. It goes on and on and I don't get bored, just tired.
"Stop, stop, stop!" I laugh, letting out several coughs as well. "I am tired of laughing." I really am exhausted, and the pain has only been increasing with each passing moment.
"Do we pray and then go to sleep?" Olya asks.
"Mmm, I am really tired Olenka, and it really hurts", I cough, "everything is starting to hurt so much again, I really want to sleep, can we do it tomorrow morning?"
"All right", she accepts with an understanding look. "Tomorrow, but be prepared, we are near the Kazansky Railway Station, so we are probably going to be awakened soon."
I nod.
"I am going to ask Anastasia to give you another small dose of morphine", Olga adds.
"But that is bad for me, isn't it?" I open my eyes.
"It really is darling, in excess, but I can see you are still in pain, and I think it is cruel to deny you a small dose", Olga responds. "Once this attack passes, we are done giving you morphine, I promise."
Anastasia does end up giving me another shot. It is embarrassing to see her again knowing she saw how I acted while I was having nightmares. Olya and I thank her, but I try to avoid meeting her gaze. Once she leaves, Olga kisses my forehead.
"Can you sing to me?" I request her before she has returned to her side of the cabin. Olga smiles, kneels next to me, and starts caressing my hair while singing a lullaby.
She has a very pretty voice, sweet like that of an angel, and she really enjoys singing. It sounds even better when she plays the piano and the four sisters are singing together. I fall asleep quickly thinking of them.
Those decent men are stupid.