Chapter Fifty-Seven: A Quiet Celebration
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Tyler Island, Spring Sea.
October 26th, 2019.
1150hrs.
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Avril, against her better judgment, had let herself become friends with the pilots she worked with. And although she was well aware she could lose them any day with the way things were, she stopped worrying about it. Well, she didn't actually stop worrying about it. No, she just kept it out of her mind as long as she could and spent what precious little time she could with them. Which meant that she did very unexpected things for them sometimes. That's what led to her blurting out that idea to Trigger, and naturally that dumbass jumped right on board with it. Just what friends were for, she guessed.
So they came up with a plan together. It would serve more than one purpose, so it wouldn't be the most unreasonably selfish request in the world. Everyone would get a chance to unwind and take their minds off the war, and Avril could both pull Beckett aside and volunteer for the operation as well as find some way to break the news to Tabloid. Really, part of why she even mentioned any of this to Trigger was because she wanted to make it up to him. He didn't ever ask for anything from others so she'd do it for him. He deserved that much.
She didn't know why she cared so much about his feelings or why she even cared what he thought about her going off on the operation. There were very few people whose opinions mattered to her. Tabloid wasn't exactly the last person she thought would make that list, but he wasn't someone she might've seen coming. He kind of snuck up on her, and she had that realization after talking to him after the dust had settled. Even if his opinion on what she wanted was that she was an idiot, and even if she decided to completely disregard that opinion, she figured she at least felt like she owed him something.
Trigger had roped in just about everyone but Tabloid once she got the 'OK' from Colonel Beckett. Anyone that wasn't helping set things up with their extremely limited resources had to get the refugees and everyone else on base to show up on time, while Avril and Count kept Tabloid occupied until lunchtime. Between their actual, urgent, adult jobs considering the little ongoing war and the fact that it was a last minute plan it was a miracle they managed to pull it off. And it made Avril realize how stupid it was to even ask. But when she mentioned that, Trigger reminded her that not only was it for Tabloid but it was something everyone else could use. She'd been very tired and it was clearly a challenge to sound like her usual upbeat, idiotic self, but Avril couldn't argue with her.
Count had dipped once Avril showed up, relieving him from his watch more or less. She may as well have had to limp across the whole base to find the two of them, but she caught up. Once Count saw her he made an excuse and raced off, which left Avril to walk Tabloid back. So the two of them set off, Avril's leg bothering her more from that than it had in a long while. She sucked it up and braced herself for the walk back, putting on her best poker face, but Tabloid saw right through it.
"You sure you're good to walk back?" Tabloid asked her as he fell in step beside her as best as he could, taking small steps in spite of the long strides he normally took. Honestly, he could have just stood still and taken a step every now and then and he'd have kept up with her just fine.
"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Avril said, making sure she didn't sound pained. I'm gonna strangle Count with my bare hands, to hell with morale, she thought, biting her tongue and holding back an irritated huff. She turned her attention back to Tabloid, glancing up and over at him with a small smirk. "Besides, what're you gonna do? Carry me?" Tabloid cleared his throat and looked away, giving her a sheepish look. Her smirk fell. "You can't be serious."
"Guess I know how you feel about that idea, then," Tabloid said, cracking a small smile. The concerned look on his face didn't fade. "Offer's on the table, though. I mean…you can't weigh all that much."
"I'm not worried about that, idiot," Avril scoffed, trying to hold back a slight laugh of her own. She kept walking, though she had to admit the offer was tempting. "I have a reputation to uphold. Besides, I already had to rely on Bandog before you guys showed up…I gave him hell for that, so if I go and let you jump in to save the day and he'll never let me live it down." She took a deep breath, her pride making it hard for her to accept the offer. "Besides, I'm not an invalid. I can use the leg fine, it's just that it hurts."
"That's not 'fine', you know," Tabloid said. He stopped suddenly and she did the same, giving him a confused look. He sighed. "C'mon, let me help you somehow. I don't like seeing you in pain."
Avril hesitated, looking around. By now most everyone else was over at the HQ, that's the whole reason she had even gone out to track down Count and Tabloid. The former was long gone, and they were almost halfway back to the HQ by now. The distance felt a bit more exaggerated, courtesy of the pain in her leg. It was both sharp and throbbing at the same time, and even with her weight almost completely off of it it barely improved. She knew she had to suck it up, and she was used to it, but that day was just a bad one.
Once she was certain no one was around to give her a hard time, she sighed and lowered her voice, glancing away. "Fine. Give it a shot, flyboy, just don't drop me," Avril muttered under her breath. "Just until my leg starts to feel better. And if we see anyone we know you're putting me down."
"Yes, ma'am," Tabloid said with a sigh, offering her a light chuckle. He closed the small gap between them, Avril wrapping one arm around his neck as he gently swept her off her feet. Literally. He carried her bridal style, being very careful with her bad leg and the brace around it. He didn't move right away, making sure she was comfortable before he did. "Alright, how's that?"
"Fine." Avril kept her response short, feeling like her confidence would waver and it was going to show in her voice. To help him support her upper body she moved her other arm across his neck to hold onto his shoulder with both hands. She wasn't sure what made her agree to the idea, maybe her pain had caused her to completely lose her mind, but she didn't want to back out now. Although her leg still ached with the steps Tabloid took it was nothing compared to how it had been when she was trying to put weight on it. She bit her tongue, feeling a strange rush of embarrassment and nervousness out of nowhere. "Why the hell did Count drag you all the way out here anyways?"
She already knew the real reason but she wanted to know what BS excuse Count had given him. Tabloid gave a small shrug. "He tried to talk me into going for a run, but I wasn't really in the mood. He still wanted to 'get some fresh air' or something," he replied, not sounding too strained from carrying her. She probably weighed nothing to him. "So I agreed to go on a walk with him. It isn't like we had anything better to do. He ended up talking me into running here and there after all, though."
"That would explain why the back of your neck is wet," Avril said, having only noticed he was sweating after he picked her up. His hair was a bit wet, too. He was still in his flight suit instead of his PT uniform, probably because he hadn't expected to actually end up running, but he'd unzipped the top and tied the sleeves around his waist. It wasn't like he was drenched in sweat and he didn't smell like a wet dog thankfully or else she'd have never agreed to getting anywhere near him. No, she would have just suffered in silence. She gave him a sheepish smile. "And here I am playing the damsel in distress. You're probably miserable."
"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't feel up to it, so don't beat yourself up," Tabloid replied, giving her a small smile to reassure her. "I'm more worried about your comfort. I would have offered to carry you on my back instead of like this, but I figured that would put more stress on your leg, so…"
"Yeah, you're probably right. Don't worry, this is fine," Avril said. She didn't know what to say to him. Every time she tried to say something she was worried she was going to put her foot in her mouth. She didn't know exactly how that might happen, but it didn't mean she wasn't worried about it. She would have liked to tell him about her plans to volunteer after he was relaxed, but some part of her wanted to get it over with. But as Tabloid kept walking and her pain improved at a literally painfully slow pace she knew she wasn't in the best position for that. So they fell into a few minutes of silence before Avril tried to make conversation. "Hey, Tabloid, can I ask you something?"
Tabloid glanced over at her and gave a slight shrug. "Yeah, sure. Shoot."
She adjusted herself against the arm supporting her back, trying to find a comfortable way to glance up at the sky while she spoke. "What do you think about the plan Colonel Beckett proposed?"
His breath hitched and he didn't answer right away. Avril tilted her head to the side, trying to better read his expression, but he put on a perfect poker face as soon as she did. She was barely able to catch the look on his face. It was thoughtful, maybe with a hint of something else. It was hard to tell. Eventually, though, he gave her an answer. "I don't really know how to feel about it," he said. "We've already tried splitting our forces once before, and you know how well that turned out. And then the refugees…it's just a lot to take in, I guess."
"Even if there were no surprises?" Avril asked him. "Just a completely straightforward mission."
"When has there been a single straightforward mission in this whole war?" Tabloid asked her, letting out a scoff. It wasn't directed at her or the question as much as the whole mess they were all in.
"Okay, what about a hypothetically straightforward one?" Avril fixed her question with a huff, not really annoyed with him.
"Why do you –"
"Just answer the question," Avril said, reaching a hand up and lightly knocking the back of his head. Not enough to hurt him, just enough to get his attention.
"Ow." Tabloid gave her a look like a hurt puppy, though she knew very well that it hadn't hurt. He quickly wiped the look off, ending it with a small smile that vanished just as fast. He always smiled for no reason. And she just rolled her eyes and looked away. Taking a deep breath, thinking over the question some more, he came up with an answer. "I mean…yeah, if nothing goes wrong then I don't think it's a bad idea. And I want to back up Trigger. So even if I'm worried about every way it could go wrong, it's not like we have many ideas. I'm just worried something's going to happen and we aren't gonna be there to help in time."
"Well, you oughta have more faith in the guys on the ground," Avril said, trying to sound confident for his sake. Truth be told she probably wasn't half as worried, and he was more worried than he let on. "I think just about everything that could go wrong already has. Doubt things could get any worse, y'know?"
"You're probably right. I just wish this would be over already," Tabloid said with a sigh.
"If it goes okay, then it will be. Before you know it," Avril told him.
He gave a soft 'hmm' in acknowledgement, then went quiet. A few seconds passed and his voice was a lot quieter when he spoke again. "I know it doesn't seem like there's any other reason to join the military, but I really didn't sign up to fight in a war."
The comment caught Avril off guard. She blinked, looking at him. He looked…tired. The spark he usually had in his eyes had faded for just a second. They'd never really discussed their service much since they left the 444th, and when they'd 'started over' a few days ago they never really got around to that part. It just didn't come up. Avril had been wondering for some time, but she never found the right moment to bring it up.
She leaned her head towards his shoulder, resting it as best she could while he carried her. They were almost at the main HQ building by now and her leg had started to feel better, but she wasn't ready for him to let her go on her own just yet. "What did you sign up for, then?"
"If I'm being honest, I don't even remember anymore. I wanted to fly. I wanna say I wanted to make a difference, but not the way you might think when you hear that," Tabloid replied, almost looking embarrassed by his answer. He wasn't exactly an idealist. He went on. "The best way to take something down is from the inside, right? Being in the military seemed like a good way to be on the fast track to politics. Some random nobody with Belkan parents isn't gonna get the right kind of attention."
Avril furrowed her brow. "That's the first I'm hearing of any of this," she said. "You never told me you wanted to go into politics."
But to be fair she had never asked about it. She knew he had his qualms with the government, and that was putting it lightly, and after seeing just how badly they could screw things up she couldn't blame him for it. Overall Avril avoided the subject, though, having better things to worry about over the last few months. Even now that she was sticking up for the Princess and watching her figure things out she still didn't have much of an interest in the politics behind the war. So long as she got to go home and be left alone one of these days that was good enough to her.
"I didn't? Huh. Sorry about that, it's just…so far away at this point it kinda just faded away, I guess," he replied, his expression almost falling to a frown. It was strange to see him change like that. To actually look tired and have any kind of negative emotion. And it made her feel bad for bringing it up. He quickly recovered, cracking a small smile and a joke. "Which doesn't make a lot of sense, but I mean…if I can't get rid of the government I could at least try and change it, y'know? Probably one of the only public servants that actually wants to serve the public…"
"You telling me you were one of those seven-year-olds that told everyone they were gonna be the president one day?" Avril asked him playfully, trying to lighten the mood some. She couldn't leave that all to him, after all.
"No. I wasn't that ambitious as a kid," Tabloid answered with a chuckle, rolling his eyes. A trait he must've picked up from her. "If I'm being honest I didn't really have any idea what I wanted to do until my junior year."
"That would have been…" Avril did the math in her head, his age and birthday having been on her mind for a while now. The realization hit her what year that would have been for him. "That would have been around the time of the last war, right?"
Tabloid nodded and Avril felt almost proud of herself for remembering the details right. It was the smallest thing she could do for him, as a friend, still trying to get used to that whole thing. "I was around for that whole ordeal at the stadium in November. Well, not 'there' there, but when the place you live is under attack you know how it is. Hard not to hear about it," he said. "And I figured there had to be some way to keep people like Applerouth and Howell out of power, so here we are."
"With how much you hate the government I could never see you willingly in office," Avril teased him, giving a light laugh. When he only gave her a half-hearted smile, she laid off a bit, taking on a more sincere tone out of fear she'd hurt him somehow. She began to fidget with her hands, picking at the calluses on her fingers like she always did. "But when you put it like that, I guess it makes sense you'd be the kind to wanna take a stand."
"Better than sitting around complaining," Tabloid said. "I want to do something, but now…eh, there isn't much I can do about it. A criminal record isn't gonna look good in a campaign."
Avril shrugged as best as she could in his arms. "There's still things you can do to fix things. At the very least to help end the war."
"Hard to argue with you there. Still…I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do when all of this is over," Tabloid replied, quickly adopting his ever present smile once more. "Guess I just gotta do what I can in the present."
"Yeah." Avril swallowed, not knowing what else to add to that particular conversation. It kind of seemed weird to try and think about what she was going to do after all of this was over, especially since she was worried she was signing on for a suicide mission. She still wanted to do it, not because she wanted to die but because she wanted to do more and she was tired of watching everyone else do the work for her. She wasn't helpless, regardless of how it looked at that moment. She really, truly could stand on her own.
The main HQ was just a few yards away now and her pain had eased some. It still hurt on every step that Tabloid took with her, but not as bad as before. If he set her down she could make it on her own. And because of that, once she thought about her own pride and independence, along with her desire to be moved to the front lines, the carry that she'd willingly tolerated suddenly caused a rush of embarrassment and annoyance. She wasn't really sure who that annoyance was directed at.
Tensing and fighting the instinct to kick herself free – having not been carried since she was like…a ten-year-old – she took a deep breath. "I think I'm good to walk on my own now," she said, trying not to sound flustered or annoyed. That was the last thing she needed. "You can put me down."
"You sure?" Tabloid stopped, looking to her to double check. She nodded and he carefully, gently, let her legs down. Avril held onto his shoulders for support until she got her footing, but once she had that she let go. "Do you feel any better?"
"Eh, a little bit. Honestly I wonder if the damn thing's even healing…" Avril muttered. She took a step forward, testing the weight. Her bad leg had fallen asleep a bit, and it took a while for the feeling to return which made her seem more unsteady than she actually was. Once the blood was circulating again, though, she was able to walk okay. She still had her limp, and it still hurt, but she'd rested it enough that it wasn't bothering her more than she could handle.
It didn't take more than a five minute walk before the two of them stepped inside, Avril leading the way as she turned down the hall that would lead to the mess. Those few minutes were spent in relative silence, each leaving the other to their own thoughts. The conversation had come to a bit of an odd end, and while there was more that Avril could say she wasn't sure if she wanted to. It would just bring the mood down. Right now, she was looking forward to the walk being over. Not because of Tabloid or his company but because she wanted to get off of her feet and see everyone else relax a bit.
Although she intended to leave the more serious talk for later, her up-and-down mood must have shown through more than she had wanted. Because not long after they got inside, Tabloid cleared his throat and broke the silence. However brief it was. "Hey, Avril, is there something on your mind?"
She glanced over at him. "Why? What makes you ask?"
"I'm not sure, I guess you just seem…" Tabloid paused as he tried to think of the word. "Distracted. I suppose?"
"Oh. I do?" Avril swallowed. Then she shrugged, trying to throw him off, keeping a small smirk and her tone light in hopes of throwing him off. "It's nothing, really."
"It doesn't seem like nothing," Tabloid said. He sounded concerned, but not pushy. She didn't want to worry him but she also didn't want to make his mood any worse. He should be able to take his mind off things. He obviously didn't want to push her if she didn't want to, since he quickly added, "But you don't have to talk about it. You can, but I don't want to pry."
Avril sucked in a sharp breath, either the result of anxiety or the pain in her leg. Or maybe a bit of both. She considered backing down and taking his offer of not talking about it, but she wasn't used to not being direct. She was a blunt person, that's how she was raised. And a lot of times there were some things that had to just be ripped off like a band-aid. It'd hurt for a second, but the pain would go away. She sighed. "You know how you said you had to…do what you can in the present?"
"Yeah," Tabloid replied.
"Well, I gotta do the same," Avril replied. She kept her voice steady. "So that's why I'm gonna volunteer to go on the operation." The comment was met by silence and a deep breath from Tabloid. She didn't look over at him as she quickly added, "Please don't tell me you're gonna be upset."
He didn't answer her right away. Maybe he was just collecting his thoughts or maybe he really was upset, but the couple of seconds of silence felt like an eternity to her. And it didn't help her anxiety at all. After less than a minute but longer than Avril would have liked, he answered her. "Alright, then. Wasn't expecting that," he said, sounding…surprised. Probably a little concerned. "You're absolutely sure you're gonna be able to handle that? Physically, I mean."
"I don't see why not. Busted leg or not I don't need it to shoot a gun," Avril said, feeling a rush of relief that he didn't freak out on her. She hoped it wasn't too obvious in her voice. "I mean, I could handle myself just fine out there. And it's not like I'm going all by myself."
"I know that. I don't doubt you, but your friends have a right to be a bit worried, y'know," Tabloid replied with a light, breathy chuckle. He went quiet and the mood shifted. Then Avril felt his fingers against her knuckles. But he quickly pulled his hand away, as if it had been an accident. "If you want to volunteer, I can't really do anything to stop you. And I'm not gonna try and talk you out of it. I just want you to be careful. Deal?"
Avril felt sick and scared all at once, but she quickly pushed the feeling down. She glanced back over at him and gave him a smile. "Alright, fine. You worry too much, but you've got yourself a deal," she said. Her attention was drawn down the hall to the mess hall, the doors open and the sounds of activity and conversation echoing out. She turned around, trying to keep walking backwards. "I have something that might cheer you up. And make up for the sucky news…and the whole, y'know, carrying me over here."
Tabloid grabbed ahold of her shoulders when she first turned around to face him to catch her, keeping her from stumbling off balance. He gave her a bewildered look as they kept walking, albeit at a slower pace. He glanced towards the source of the sound. "What? Lunch?"
"I mean, yeah, technically. But it's a special one," Avril said. He opened his mouth, likely to ask more questions, but she just turned back around and cut him off. "Just wait. It's only gonna be like…thirty seconds before you see."
"Okay…" Tabloid said, sounding almost suspicious. He had let go of her shoulders, following her like before. She tried to pick up the pace, but obviously for him the speed didn't change much.
They reached the open doors to the mess hall before long, and sure enough found a party waiting for them. It wasn't anything special, really it just looked like the mess hall on an especially packed day, but there were a few differences. Mainly Beckett had agreed to let the cook go all out with whatever they had available to them, and while they really didn't have any ingredients for baking anything they did have a couple of things of ice cream and expensive chocolates that they'd gotten from the Eruseans, along with various different drinks along with their water. Apparently all soldiers had the same thought process when it came to what was considered 'essential supplies'. Or maybe the Eruseans were the only pampered ones and it was just luck they'd ended up with even that much.
There was an old radio that one of Major Grimm's soldiers had, and apparently there was at least one music station out there that hadn't been shut down on account of the war. It was a bit staticky but still clearly and loudly playing music. It was hard for Avril to tell exactly what genre it was, especially over all of the talking, but it sounded like some Erusean station judging from the fact she couldn't understand a word of what was being played. However, it was light enough to set a good mood if nothing else.
Just about everyone was there. Oseans and Eruseans, soldiers and refugees, a whole room full of good food, decent enough people, and two dogs (both well trained enough to not beg). As far as parties go they definitely could have done worse. Granted, Avril's experience with birthday parties wasn't ever anything extravagant. She had been homeschooled in the middle of nowhere and her only friends were her grandfather, his friends, and any of their grandchildren that she occasionally met. So as far as she knew this was about as good of a turnout as you could get…even if the whole thing wasn't just for Tabloid.
About as soon as Tabloid and Avril stepped in, everyone else from the LRSSG squeezed their way through the crowd. They were regarded with the same kind of look you would give those crazy, loud groups of family and friends in public that always made a big deal about seeing one another and disturbing everyone's peace and quiet. And to be fair, they kind of deserved that. But it was hard for any of them to care as each and every one of them loudly greeted Tabloid with a chorus of, "Happy birthday!"
Trigger walked straight up to him and gave him a bone crushing hug that knocked the breath out of him, while Count wasn't too far behind with a plastic cup probably full of beer that Tabloid took with his free hand after returning Trigger's hug. Strained from the embrace, he managed to say, "Uh…my birthday isn't for another –"
"Three days. October 29th," Avril answered for him, placing her hands on her hips. "I remember. But there isn't anything wrong with an early celebration, you know."
Tabloid was finally released from the hug as he looked at her and back at the others. He didn't sound angry, just caught off guard as he spoke again. "Wait, you guys organized a whole early party for…me?"
"Sort of…you kinda have to share it with everyone else," Trigger said, giving him an apologetic look. But both she and Avril grimaced slightly at it. Trigger quickly wiped the look off her face though. "It was all Avril's idea."
Avril gave a small smile, though she still felt guilty he couldn't have the party all to himself, as stupid as that was. He was who she had in mind but she couldn't just do that for him. Beckett probably wouldn't have gone for it. But this way it wasn't entirely selfish and he still got something. "I knew we probably wouldn't have any other chance, so…I threw the idea out there," she said, shrugging. "It's not like it's anything special. There's no cake or anything."
"But there is plenty of beer," Bandog put in, standing off to the sidelines and looking almost like he was embarrassed to even be there. He looked over his shoulder, back towards the kitchen. "And probably some wine, too, actually…those Eruseans sure have a taste for the finer things…"
"And plenty of ice cream if you can manage to get to it before Long Caster and the kids," Jaeger added with a chuckle, nodding to where a group of the refugees' kids were all eagerly working their way through their dinner probably just for dessert. They weren't very far from finishing their food. Beside him, Long Caster stood with a plate full of food he also wasn't far from finishing, giving him a look of mock offense.
"Sounds like a good enough party to me, right?" Count said, then he harshly clapped a hand on Tabloid's back. It knocked the breath out of him, but Count didn't seem to care. "Anyways, how come you never told us your birthday was coming up! We could have been better prepared!"
"It didn't really seem appropriate. I mean that's the last thing I figured any of you should be worrying about," Tabloid said, looking very sheepish. Avril actually could have sworn he was blushing, but it was hard to tell from where she was standing by him.
"You kidding? You're our friend!" Lanza spoke up from the group, a plate in one hand and a cup in the other. "Besides, a party like this is just what we need."
"Probably not gonna get another one until our victory party," Faun agreed with a nod, crossing his arms. He smiled. "Might as well make the most of it."
"Now c'mon, get some food before it's all gone! And yeah, that's both a warning and a threat," Húxiān called out with a grin before she turned away, shoulding her way back into the crowd to go and get more food. The others were all quick to follow behind her, returning to the party and their meal.
But as everyone left, Tabloid hesitated. Before Avril could ask him what was wrong, he turned to face her. If she didn't know him better, he might have actually looked so touched he was going to cry. But he just gave her his usual lopsided grin and tilted his head slightly, his voice so soft she could barely hear him talking over everyone all talking at once. "Not anything special, huh?"
"I just meant it's the bare minimum I could do for you," Avril said, getting embarrassed herself. She reached up and ran a hand through her short hair, looking away and hoping she didn't look or sound too flustered. "If I could have done more I would have. Sorry it's not…I dunno, more personal."
"Seriously? This could be the nicest party anyone's ever thrown…for me or anyone else as far as I'm concerned," Tabloid said, giving her a light laugh. She looked up at him and realized he was dead serious. He shrugged. "I never would have expected anything like this after everything we've all been going through."
"Well, we care about you. You're our friend, just like Lanza said," Avril gave a shrug of her own, giving him a slight smirk. She swallowed any doubts or fears as she limped over to him, giving him a hug just like Trigger had done. But she was more gentle than that dumbass of theirs was. And Avril did one thing Trigger probably wouldn't have done, and pushed herself to the tips of her toes so she could give him a kiss on the cheek. It was brief and prickly on account of his ever present five o'clock shadow, but something about it made Avril feel good. She pulled away from him, grabbing his wrist. "Now let's go eat. I think Húxiān is gonna follow through on that threat."
"Right, yeah," Tabloid said, following her without question. She tried to avoid eye contact, but looked at his face long enough to know that if he wasn't blushing earlier he definitely was just then. Once he pulled himself together and didn't sound so startled, he called her name. "Avril?"
It was quiet. Soft, like how he'd been talking before. Different from how he'd ever called her name before. She wasn't sure how or why, but it was. Wanting to seem casual, she didn't respond too eagerly. "Hmm?"
"Thank you."
Avril smiled. It was short and to the point, but still…it was enough for her face to feel hot. She didn't look back at him, pretty sure she looked like a complete idiot. She felt like one. But she didn't let him know that. "Happy birthday, Tabloid."
1300hrs.
For a last minute, almost spur of the moment party things weren't so bad. Aside from the underlying tension and the awareness that something wasn't quite right, it almost reminded Kathryn of the handful of victory parties she'd been to back on Sand Island. Well, actually, the same thing could have been said back then but those problems weren't quite as obvious as the ones they were facing now. Something had to give, and one way or another this was going to come to an end. Everyone could tell that.
But for now they had a chance to relax. Kathryn was let in on the main motive for the party along with everyone else, and that was that apparently it was Tabloid's birthday. Or an early celebration for his upcoming birthday. She didn't know him very well, but she knew he was a sweet guy and it was a nice gesture from Naomi and Avril. The refugees couldn't have cared less about that and were more interested in just being able to enjoy themselves, except for the ones that had become friendly with Tabloid after he'd been helping them out. One by one, they all made their way over to him to wish him an early happy birthday.
Kathryn didn't really have the energy for much conversation at the moment, having been trying to fend off a migraine she'd had since the previous night. It was…better. The light didn't make her sick anymore and it wasn't quite as splitting as it had been so sounds weren't so bad, but she still felt like death. But because she didn't feel well and didn't want to drag the party down, she socialized when she could and sat down to eat or rest when she couldn't, sending Hans and Clown off to enjoy themselves and leave her be.
Only a few minutes after she closed her eyes to rest them and give herself a break she felt the feeling of a cold, wet plastic cup against her forehead. It eased the pain some but startled her, and she opened her eyes to find Clown hovering over her with a cup in each hand. Once she opened her eyes he smirked and lightly tapped the cup against her head. He was gentle enough with it that it didn't make her pain any worse. "Hey, Kid. I was worried you were dozing off over here," he said with a light laugh. His expression softened to a sympathetic one. "Your head feelin' any better yet?"
"A bit. It's not really a big deal," Kathryn said, almost not wanting him to remove the cup from her head. The cold felt good.
"Here. I got you some ice water," Clown said, doing just that. He lowered the cup for her to take, and she reached up and grabbed it. It wasn't the first migraine she'd ever had, and he and Hans were used to trying to keep her hydrated during them. Once his hand was free, he took a seat beside her and set his own drink down. "What do you think brought it on?"
"Pretty sure it's chronic, so hell if I know," Kathryn said, taking a few gulps of the ice water. She lowered the cup and shrugged when she noticed he didn't look happy with the answer. "Probably what causes them all: stress. What else?"
"Have you talked to Grimm?" he asked.
Kathryn knew he was likely talking about Hans, but she had an opportunity to be a smart-ass and she was going to take it. She looked over at Clown and deadpanned, "Which one?"
"You think you're funny, don't you?" Clown asked, giving her an exasperated look. She responded by trying to stifle a laugh, watching him out of the corner of her eye and giving him a smirk. He rolled his eyes, and answered her question, "I meant your husband, smart ass."
"I know, I'm just giving you a hard time," Kathryn said, blowing out a breath from her nose. She took another drink of water, looking over to where Hans and Jacob were standing, talking with Genette. The two of them talked, obviously. They were married and they shared a room, so unless they hated the other's guts it was kind of hard not to talk. "You're going to have to be a little more specific."
"I mean about everything that's happened and been goin' on. It might help you relieve some of that stress," Clown responded, taking a sip of his own drink. She was aware of him watching her, but she was focused on staring at the ice in her drink. He went on, his tone changing slightly. "You know you gettin' shot down like that really screwed everyone up. I know for a fact it messed you up, too. The Blaze I know never would have let somethin' like that happen in the first place."
"I didn't let it happen or do it on purpose if that's what you're implying," Kathryn replied, probably sounding snappier than she meant to. She shrugged. "Pilots are capable of making mistakes, y'know." She hesitated, closing her eyes briefly as her head began to pound again. "I'm not invincible."
Clown let out a light chuckle. "Ah, and there it is," he said. "Something I never thought I'd hear you admit."
Kathryn glared at him, holding back a scoff. She tightened her free hand into a fist and bit her tongue before she said anything harsh. She wouldn't have normally been so irritable, but the headache was screwing with her. "Yeah, yeah, I got way in over my head," she said with a sigh. "I know I messed up. This whole thing felt like one giant ego check."
"You ever thought of bringing that up to Grimm?" Clown asked, tilting his head to one side. When Kathryn looked at him, silently asking for an explanation, he gave her just that. "He doesn't voice it as much as he used to, and yeah he's grown a lot, but he doesn't have nerves of steel. I'm pretty sure after all of this he's still worried you're gonna send yourself to an early grave."
"I can't just not fight now that we're in this shit," Kathryn pointed out, but she knew Clown was right. She wanted to talk to Hans now that she'd had an…eye opening experience, to say the least. She needed to apologize to him. She almost constantly apologized to him, actually, but she hadn't been able to do it this time. It just never would come out. Kathryn sighed. "Then again we wouldn't even be in this mess."
Clown let out a sigh of his own, placing a hand on her shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Nah, you shouldn't blame yourself for that. I'm the one that asked you to help Trigger, I'm the one that told you everything that happened," he said. "If anything, I put you in a tough position. Knowing everything going on on my end, and then with Harling and the space elevator…you felt an obligation. It's understandable, but I never should've said anything."
"I have free will. I didn't have to ship out to Fort Grays, but I did," Kathryn said. She finished off her water, having practically guzzled it down, and set what was now just a cup of ice down on the table. Reaching a hand up to rub her head, she got to her feet. "Hans only agreed because it was important to me that we help. At the end of the day, I put him and I through hell. You guys, too."
"Hey, sit back down a minute," Clown said. He reached up to grab her wrist, lightly pulling her back to her seat. "Don't tell Hans I'm the one that pushed you to talk to him, yeah? You know he doesn't like to bother other people. You and him have that much in common."
"I'm kinda hurt the only reason you said anything to me was to guilt trip me," Kathryn joked. It actually wasn't the first time he pushed her to say something. About anything. Once you work with people closely enough and get to know them you pick up on their moods. Clown could read all of his comrades-in-arms like a book, and the same went for all of them towards him. And sometimes that meant he liked to nudge people in the right direction.
"You were guilt trippin' yourself, I just made you do something about it," Clown said, crossing his arms. He began to lightly drum his fingers in time with the song that was playing over the radio. "I just want you to stop mopin' and go do something about it. And to stop giving yourself too much credit here."
"Uh-huh. Right." It was Kathryn's turn to roll her eyes. The truth was, he had a point. She blamed herself for everything that went wrong, it was just a habit at that point. And even though she would apologize for everything all day long because of that, she didn't always like having to admit she made a mistake. Even if she had been thinking about it nearly non-stop since she had that conversation with Georg. She just needed a push every now and then. She reached over with one arm to pull Clown into a brief side-hug before she got up, patting him on the shoulder as she pulled away. "But thanks, I guess."
"Anytime, Kid." Clown returned the pat to her shoulder, getting up to go and find Knocker.
Once he was gone Kathryn got to her feet again, carefully maneuvering her way around people as she made for the spot where her husband, brother-in-law, and friend were standing. The three of them were still lost in conversation, though whatever they were talking about was a mystery. It wasn't a real challenge to get to them. Most people got up and got their food and then returned to their family or friends to eat and talk, which meant that the room wasn't exactly difficult to get around. Only a few people, such as Hans and Genette and Jacob, actually took to standing and the reason for that was mostly that they got caught up in talking before they could sit back down.
When she reached them she was able to pick up on what they were discussing. To her surprise, instead of worrying about the upcoming operation, they were discussing…economics. There wasn't any telling what got them on that topic or why. Not what she would have expected and not something she cared to join in on. Granted, it was loosely connected to the war itself since they were pondering the impact of the Lighthouse War globally based on worldwide history as far as wars were concerned. Or that's what Kathryn was able to discern. It wasn't something she was at all feeling up to jumping in the middle of.
Not wanting to disturb their conversation but also wanting to have Hans' attention once the conversation was done, Kathryn didn't say a word when she approached. They glanced her way as she casually and quietly came up and that was the most acknowledgement she got. Hans' back was facing her so she just wrapped her arms around him from behind and leaned against him in a hug, and his response was to keep talking while placing a hand over hers. Unfortunately for her the fact she was much shorter than him meant she couldn't rest her head on his shoulders like he did to her whenever he hugged her from behind, so it wasn't very comfortable to stand like that for long.
She pulled her arms back and eventually moved to his side, keeping one arm wrapped around him and listening to the conversation she walked up on while he absentmindedly put his arm across her shoulders. No matter how long the two of them had been together, he never failed to make her heart race. And at the same time she felt much better just being around him. Being able to bury her face in his shoulder or chest when the light was too much for her head definitely helped but that wasn't the only reason.
Just as she prepared to zone out and listen to whatever they were talking about, Hans ended up breaking off mid-sentence once he fully realized she was there. To be fair she had a habit of sneaking up on him. He wasn't exactly beside himself with worry, but he did give her his full attention as he asked, "Hey, everything okay?"
"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't want to interrupt you guys," Kathryn replied, still trying to work out in her head how she was going to bring up what she wanted to talk about with him. She wasn't about to blurt it out in front of everyone. That being said, she didn't expect everyone to jump when she told them to. Like it or not, the world didn't revolve around her or her relationship troubles.
"Actually, I was about to go and grab some more water," Jacob said, shaking the plastic cup in his hands side to side to emphasize the fact there was nothing more than ice in it. Whether he just saw an opening or if he somehow picked up on Kathryn's mood or her headache, she wasn't quite sure. Either way, he saved her the wait as he turned to Genette and asked, "You wanna come with?"
"Oh, yeah. Sure," Genette said, glancing over at Hans and Kathryn. The former looked between the two of them, almost perplexed. Their old journalist friend didn't give much away though, nodding to the two of them. "Either of you want anything?"
"No, thanks, I'm good." Hans' response was good enough for them, as the two of them set off across the mess hall. Honestly, they surprised both of them by just excusing themselves like that and left both of them just standing there. Once they were out of earshot, Kathryn pulled away from Hans and he broke the silence between them. He made a quiet huff, not quite sharp enough for a full on scoff but not light enough to be a laugh, so it was hard to tell exactly what mood he was in. "What was that all about?"
Kathryn shrugged. Honestly, she didn't know any more than he did. "Your guess is as good as mine," she said, watching the two of them go until she lost interest. "Kinda saves me some time and trouble, though."
Hans looked a little bit concerned when she said that, though he didn't let it show. She only caught it because she knew him well enough. "I thought you said everything was okay."
"It is. I just wanted to talk to you about something," Kathryn said, trying not to beat around the bush too much. There were a billion worst case scenarios that could come to mind anytime someone said 'I want to talk about something' and Kathryn knew both she and Hans were fantastic at overthinking. So she had to figure out how to get right to the point. "Tell you something is more like it."
"What's wrong?" Hans asked anyways, clearly not convinced. He was more anxious than she expected.
"I told you it's nothing, calm down," Kathryn said with a sigh, reaching up to throw her arms across his shoulders. Almost pulling him into a hug, though she didn't close the distance between them. She avoided looking him in the eye at first, looking down at his chest, almost embarrassed. She managed to swallow her pride. "I just realized after everything that's happened that…you were right."
She couldn't exactly see his reaction, worried she was somehow going to chicken out and not get this over and done with. Or that he was going to look hurt, and hurting him was the last thing she ever wanted to do. That was why she had to tell him, so she could apologize. Hans sucked in a breath. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that…I'm not invincible. I'm a fighter pilot, that's what I do…or did. But I wasn't thinking about anything but Harling's vision and wanting to be back in the action," Kathryn said, trying to think about what she was saying before she spoke. The result was that she was stumbling over some words and rushing through others. Not exactly uncommon for her, but she hated it when it came to that. "On the ground I realized how stupid I was for jumping to be back in the fight like this. And that fighting in this war isn't any way to honor or protect either Harling's vision or Nagase's. So…I'm sorry that I put you through this."
"Why are you apologizing?" Hans asked her, though he sounded almost amused rather than confused.
Kathryn still didn't lift her head. Of course he would make it more difficult. For some reason, she felt like she was going to start crying. "Because I was an idiot," she said, harsher than she meant to. She rushed through her reasoning to keep from getting caught up in her own thoughts, her headache worsening just at the threat of crying. "I got in over my head, I lost focus and got shot down, and I worried you…and I worried Clown, and probably whoever else cares. All because I can't let go. And I'm sorry."
It wasn't anything he hadn't heard before. She probably apologized to him about a half a dozen times every day for the last ten years. She was a pain in the ass to live with and the worst part was that she knew it. Either she lost her temper or she didn't have the energy to say a word. She couldn't decide if she wanted to run from the past or go chasing it down. She could be perfectly content with where she was or wish she could completely erase her life and start over. That's where the problems lied. And that's why she spent what felt like a good chunk of her life apologizing to him.
Although she was always worried he was going to get fed up and just leave one day, he always ended up forgiving her. Or at least he must have forgiven her. It wasn't like she didn't try to make it up to him and change, but things were never perfect. They still had bad days and he still stuck around. Even if she didn't expect him to just bail on her she was still worried and just stood there in silence, praying this wasn't going to be the final straw for him. The more reasonable part of her head told her to calm down and the other half refused to.
He sighed, though not out of frustration, and she felt him place a kiss on her forehead a few seconds later. His voice was soft when he answered. "You don't have to apologize."
It was the same answer he always gave her. "Except that I do," she insisted, not as firmly as she meant to. "Or I probably should."
"You know, I'm capable of making my own choices. I didn't have to follow you, but I chose to. That's my own fault, not yours," Hans replied. Kathryn lifted her head now and found that he was giving her the faintest ghost of a smile. "I'm your husband. And your wingman. I wasn't about to let you go out and fight on your own."
"If I was more reasonable you probably could have tried to talk me out of it," Kathryn said, not even half-joking but she still gave a soft, dry laugh. Maybe she was just trying to ease the tension. "I should have just stayed out of it once Trigger's trial was over and done with. I'm just too stubborn to leave things alone."
"You feel like you owe it to the people we care about. I get it, Ryn," Hans told her, shrugging. "And there's no point worrying about what we should have done differently. We're in this now, and we're gonna see it through. And I'll be right there with you, I promise."
"Hmm. I don't deserve you," Kathryn said, again hardly joking when she said it.
He wrapped his arms around her in a hug, giving her a gentle squeeze. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop saying stuff like that?"
She gave a breathy laugh, feeling the tears in her eyes from earlier starting to fade. She didn't know if she sounded like she was on the verge of crying for no reason or not. "Until it gets through my thick skull, I guess."
"So until I die. Great, guess I better get used to it, then," Hans joked and he gave her a grin. He laughed when she pretended to be offended and gave him a very light smack to his chest. He squeezed her against him in another hug before he let her go, taking a step back. "Just stop beating yourself up so much. We'll figure things out, just like we always do."
"Right…I can't make any promises about that first part, though," Kathryn answered, giving him a half-hearted smile. His only response was to shake his head with a small smile and give her another kiss on her forehead. He handled it better than she would have expected him to. Still, she felt like she should spend the rest of her life making it up to him. He'd never want or expect her to, but she remembered what Georg had told her. They just had to try and do what they could to atone for whatever mistakes, whether their loved ones held it against them or not. She smiled and grabbed his hand. "C'mon. No sense in us dragging the party down."
"Yes, ma'am," Hans said with a soft smile.
The two of them set off to track down Genette and Jacob to let them know the coast was clear and to get some more water. Her headache and worries and problems were forgotten, even if they hadn't completely disappeared. Things weren't perfect, but they'd make do and see the war through to the end. Just like they'd done before.
1345hrs.
The party was going well. Naomi had been worried the mood would be killed by the fact it wasn't especially glamorous, but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Especially Tabloid. Avril had wanted to do something nice for him, and even if it had become more of something to keep morale up over a birthday party it still did the trick. In fact, Naomi was pretty sure he hadn't stopped smiling since he got there. Then again, that might have had something to do with the kiss to the cheek that Avril had given him. Naomi was one of the only people that had noticed that. But whatever the reason, as far as she was concerned it was mission accomplished.
It wasn't just Tabloid that was enjoying the party. Everyone, both military and the refugees, seemed to be having a great time. The kids had gravitated towards Jaeger and asked him to tell some stories, while Long Caster brought out more food and made sure everyone was getting enough to eat, Tailor was given permission to have a real drink (Colonel Beckett and Fencer relented when he once again pointed out he could legally drink in most Usean countries), Naomi's father and the rest of the pilots had a very heated game of poker going on with a few of the refugees. The Princess spent most of her time mingling and keeping her eye on her dog, Leo, which meant Henri wasn't far behind, but she did join Tailor in spectating the poker game after a while. They even roped Henri into joining their latest round.
Naomi didn't join in on the poker game, but she sat nearby and watched them. It was good to see everyone have a chance to let loose. Bandog and Húxiān were lightly ribbing one another, Avril was giving just about everyone a run for their money, Lanza was proving that he had absolutely no kind of poker face…and Count's eyes lit up every time he got a good hand. He grinned and laughed and no one could tell if he was actually bluffing or not. Somehow Naomi had him figured out though. She knew when his expression fell whether or not he was actually disappointed or if he was trying to throw anyone off or when the confident smirk he put on was real. He couldn't fool her.
When did that start? And how come she never even noticed it?
Before her abrupt internal crisis had a chance to really get started, a soft voice interrupted her train of thought. "Is this seat taken?"
The Princess stood by the table Naomi was sitting at, looking as though she wasn't too sure about approaching. Clearly she pushed through that, and now that she had her attention there wasn't any going back. It surprised her to see the girl standing there, having been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed her step away from Tailor and find her way over there. Neither Leo, Henri, or Tailor was with her though. She came over there on her own, though both she and Naomi were aware that the latter two were glancing their way every so often.
Naomi cleared her throat and straightened up, hoping she didn't look too much like a deer caught in the headlights. She gestured to the empty seat beside her. "No, go ahead."
"I'm sorry if I interrupted anything. You looked pretty lost in thought," the Princess said. She had an almost apologetic look on her face, and the apology itself seemed genuine enough. Although probably still uncertain, she took her seat anyway, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap. Her posture was perfect. "But I didn't know if something was wrong. Your father and your wingmen – Lieutenant O'Connor and Hirose – told me you were probably fine, but…I wanted to make sure."
"Nah, I'm fine," Naomi said with a shrug, dividing her attention between the game and the Princess. She didn't like spending a lot of time on her own, but she also didn't feel like playing poker, so it didn't leave her with many options. She probably would have jumped in later, but now that she had someone to talk to it wasn't a priority. Even if she wasn't sure about her company. "Did you get bored watching them play or something?"
"No, that's not the problem. It's a lot of fun to watch and I like seeing everyone so happy…I mean, even the dogs are enjoying themselves," the Princess said with a short laugh, nodding to where Leo and Sarge were laying behind Bandog's chair and fighting over one of Sarge's chew toys. Naomi chuckled a bit watching them but didn't say anything, letting the Princess continue. She almost grimaced as she added, "But I got tired of standing up."
"Not what I would have expected, but I can't blame you," Naomi said, letting out a snort in response to the comment. She smirked. "You should've let them teach you poker. Nothing says 'living it up' like gambling all your money down the drain."
"I got the gist of it, but I don't think I'd be very good at it," the Princess said.
"It's not so hard. Honestly I'd say it's luck more than anything. Unless Count or Bandog have taken to cheating," Naomi said. She didn't think Tabloid was the type to cheat at cards. If anyone picked up High Roller's bad habits, aside from her after catching onto his technique, then it would probably be Count or Bandog no matter how much she loved them. She didn't mention that to the Princess, though, not really in the mood to explain Spare Squadron to her. One day all of that would come out to the public eye, one way or another. Instead of stumbling over a story, she just added, "I guess it's a mix of luck and skill, but picking up the skill part isn't so hard. Besides, you're a fast learner. Just look at you with that gun yesterday."
"Heh…yeah, I guess you're right. I suppose that's one thing I have going for me," the Princess said, giving an almost sheepish laugh. The two of them went quiet and the mood seemed to shift suddenly. Naomi didn't look over at her but she could hear the sound of her fidgeting with her hands. When she spoke up and broke the silence between them, she sounded almost hesitant. "Since you brought that up, I wanted to thank you for what you said. It helped me."
Naomi blinked. She hadn't expected anything in return, let alone a thank you. Mainly because she just didn't think it was a big deal. She glanced towards the Princess and shrugged, letting out a soft sigh. "It was nothing, really. I didn't know how helpful it would be, I just…figured I might as well give it a shot."
The Princess nodded slowly. "I see," she said, sucking in a breath. Naomi immediately kicked herself, realizing she was almost burning a bridge without meaning to.
"But I'm glad it helped," Naomi added quickly, trying to be as diplomatic as possible. She wasn't her enemy. She was an ally, and a very valuable one at that…a bit naive, but little by little it started to seem like her heart really was in the right place. Naomi didn't know how friendly she wanted to be with her, but she had to keep the peace. Although she wasn't sure how far she wanted to tread, she decided to give in to what the Princess had said before. "It's just something that's kinda helped me, y'know? So I thought it might help you, too. I don't like the fact that my job means killing people, but if I have to do that to keep the people I care about safe then I can make peace with it. Doesn't make it any better, but…"
"No, I understand," the Princess said. She continued to fidget with her hands, then she stopped and kept her eyes down. "Or I think I understand you better."
"Really?" Naomi looked over at her. It shouldn't have been surprising, it probably gave her a pretty good idea of what was going on in her head.
"I knew you cared about the people under your command, that much is obvious. But I couldn't ever understand why you'd keep fighting if you actually hated this war as much as I do," the Princess explained. She went on to picking at the fabric of the jeans she was wearing, but as soon as she was aware of what she was doing she stopped herself. Either to avoid giving away the fact that she was nervous or because it wasn't 'proper' to fidget. "Protecting myself doesn't matter much to me. I don't think I could hurt anyone for that. But the people I care about…like Henri…well, I don't think I could even do it then but I might be able to at least try. I know I've done it before, but it's just not that easy."
"It's not something that's supposed to be easy. If it is then you probably oughta get some help," Naomi said, letting out a dry laugh. It was a bad attempt at dark humor, but the Princess didn't seem too put off by it so it was definitely a start. Naomi went on, letting her smile fade. "I'm not gonna dress it up to make you feel better and tell you we can just talk our problems out with the Radicals and call it a day. But I want you to know that if you aren't able to use that gun yourself…no one's gonna hold it against you. At least I won't."
The Princess seemed to cheer up a bit, sitting up straighter if that was even possible. When Naomi looked her way again she found her sitting there with a warm, soft smile on her face. "Thank you. That means a lot coming from you."
"It's nothing," Naomi said, giving her a small smile. She looked back over at the game while she added, "We're allies, right? Gotta stick together. Or…something like that."
"A couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have thought we'd ever get to that point," the Princess said. Naomi didn't respond, keeping her attention on her men as they played.
Eventually, the Princess also turned her attention towards the poker game. Just in time to see Count quickly dodge Fencer's attempt to try and snatch the cards away from him only to just barely get away from Húxiān's grasp on his other side as she tried to do the same. Apparently some joke he'd made killed their trust in him to deal. Naomi's father eventually got ahold of the deck and did it himself so they could get on with the next round, loudly commenting that 'you guys are worse than my kids'.
Both Naomi and the Princess let out a chuckle at the scene, a couple of them all glancing Naomi's way at the remark her father made. She just rolled her eyes and shook her head. "At least it looks like they're having fun over there," Naomi said to the Princess, nudging her slightly with her elbow in case she hadn't actually been looking their way. "I haven't seen them look this happy in a while."
"Same here. In Henri's case, at least," the Princess said. She gave a small, sad smile. "He's almost always on the job, especially these days."
"Yeah, pretty sure everyone here knows the feeling," Naomi said. Things had changed in an instant following Farbanti. Before, they could easily predict their enemy's movements and were usually on the offensive, catching them off guard. They could rest easy, at least for the time they'd been with the LRSSG. Now they were constantly braced for an attack, sleeping in their flight suits on the few occasions they actually could get a full night's sleep and spending their days anxious and on alert. It was torture. But they were pulling themselves back together. She blew out a breath. "But hopefully we won't have to worry about that much longer. I think we've got something with this operation. Then the war will be over and we can go back to being normal."
The Princess looked over at her, her own weariness showing for just a second. She put on a good front most of the time, but she wasn't good at keeping it up for very long. Naomi guessed earlier in the war, before Tyler Island, she might have been able to keep up her act flawlessly like a good noble woman was expected to. Not anymore. She let out an almost embarrassed but humorless laugh. "I don't think my life has ever been normal. If it was, I have no clue how to go back to it."
"You haven't been in the public eye that long, have you?" Naomi asked her. She knew what the Princess had told her, that she had been in the public eye for most of her teenage years. But Naomi wasn't very involved in politics, let alone foreign politics, and she'd been too busy with flight school to care much anyways. Up until the war, Naomi had no idea who the Princess even was.
"Not exactly, no. But in order to keep it that way I had to keep a very low profile before my father became king," the Princess explained. She looked down at her hands, her voice quiet as she spoke. "We tried to live normal lives after our relatives took the throne, but you can imagine how difficult that would be. I never tried to be anyone that I wasn't, but no matter how close I was to the friends I made I always knew there was a divide. I guess it's normal for my life, but it's not anything I want to go back to."
"I doubt anyone's going to force you to," Naomi said with a shrug. She knew it wasn't as simple as that, but she had a life to go back to and a stable career and the Princess was probably going to be facing something entirely different. "Once the war is over and the political side of things is sorted out there's no reason why you can't start fresh. I'm sure there's lots of people that have done that…there probably aren't many of them that were royalty, but I'm sure it's been done."
"That's just the thing. At this point the political side of things is all I know. It's my life," the Princess pointed out. "Just like flying is to you. Will you be starting fresh?"
Naomi glanced over at her. She had a fair point, not that Naomi had really been too adamant about her suggestion. She cared a little, but not nearly enough to bicker over what someone should do with their life. Or lack thereof. Instead, Naomi just looked away again and answered. "No. Or…I just don't know yet," she said. She hadn't given it much thought, and she probably wouldn't have told the Princess of all people if she had. "You hit it right on the nose. Flying is my life; I've worked way too hard to get to where I am now to just give it up."
"So, you see my problem," the Princess said, almost sounding relieved.
"Kinda. But I had a choice in being a pilot," Naomi said. That was the major difference between them and their respective careers. They'd had choices in different aspects…the Princess had no choice in being in politics, but had a choice in being in this war. Naomi chose to be a pilot, but she didn't choose to be in the war. Let alone be some kind of hero or villain. "If I hadn't had a choice and I didn't actually enjoy flying I'd probably be out of here in a heartbeat."
"I guess you have a point," she replied. She was quiet for a few seconds, likely thinking things through, then she eventually just added, "I don't want to get ahead of myself, though. If we can make it through this, that alone is enough for me. Whatever is in store for me next is a bridge I can cross when I come to it."
"Somehow I never thought someone like you would look at life that way," Naomi said. The Princess probably had her entire schedule planned out down to the second before now, and that wasn't something that was easy to break out of.
"I've kind of had to get used to doing things the way you pilots do. Just making things up as I go along, I mean," the Princess said. "It's…not so hard. Though it feels a little weird sometimes. Like I need to find some way to be prepared for everything."
"You can make up that as you go along, too. It's what I do. I try to be ready for anything all the time, but I can't waste my time and energy trying to come up with a perfect plan for everything," Naomi said, chuckling slightly. She looked down at her feet. "If there's anything that General Shilage taught me it's that anyone can be taken by surprise, whether they have their guard up or not."
At the mention of the General, the Princess went quiet. In fact, it was like her mood completely shifted. It was an awkward silence, a lot like when they first decided to go and fight at Shilage and the Princess had asked about Mr. X's identity and fate. She was confident in Naomi's ability to face off with him, but not in an encouraging kind of way. It was more like she was afraid, though not for Naomi or the LRSSG's safety, but for the General himself. She hadn't had much to say about the operation. Naomi guessed she wasn't asking any questions that she didn't want the answer to.
For a while they were quiet, but the Princess finally cleared her throat. She straightened up again, having slouched after her abrupt change in demeanor, but when she spoke again it sounded like she was making an effort to keep herself together. "I meant to ask you about him. I heard that you shot him down, but no one told me whether or not…"
She trailed off, her voice fading almost to a whisper on the last few words. Naomi already figured out what she was wanting to know. "He survived," she said. She recalled the details vividly. Him going down, finding him almost half-dead in that hospital, talking to him. He had a lot of control over her head even now. She didn't tell the Princess that, though. "But I don't know if he'll ever be able to fly again."
"But he is alive?" the Princess asked. Naomi turned to her and nodded, and the girl let out a breath of relief. "I'm sorry…I just wouldn't feel right if he had died."
"Were you close?" Naomi couldn't help but ask. He didn't seem like the kind of guy that was close to anyone.
"That's hard to say…he's a very distant man. But I'm friends with his granddaughter," the Princess said. She quickly corrected herself, though, adding, "Or at least I was. The General and his family have been through a lot and…well, frankly I blame myself for that. Knowing my friend, she probably does too."
"I didn't know he had a family. He doesn't strike me as a doting parent or grandparent kind of guy," Naomi said. She kept her voice light, but that was mainly so she didn't let the Princess know that she felt kind of bad knowing that. She never knew either sets of her grandparents, both sides having been killed well before she was born, and even if she had no relationship with them because of that it was still something that hurt to know. Had she known them and been close to them it probably would have hurt even more, say nothing of how losing either of her parents might feel. She almost felt a little guilty, but there wasn't anyone but the Princess there for her to apologize to. "I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry. I didn't ask to fight him."
"I know you didn't. And I wonder if he would have done anything different," the Princess said, offering a small, reassuring smile. "You were both protecting what you loved. If there's anyone to blame, it's me."
Naomi found it hard to disagree, but she did so anyway. Like she was comforting a friend. "Don't…be so hard on yourself."
The Princess blinked, giving her a surprised look. She didn't seem to know how to respond to that, opening her mouth but not moving or saying anything for several seconds. "I'll try," she said. "Thank you."
Naomi just nodded and things went quiet again. It was hard for her to know just where she and the Princess stood. They were allies, and that was all that Naomi could figure out, but she couldn't treat her the same way she treated her other allies. Though in her defense, her other allies were people that she considered to be friends. Even with how tense her relationship with Count had been early on she trusted him with her life now, because they'd been through so much together. But there wasn't much she had with the Princess.
Maybe that would change, if their plan succeeded.
It was hard to make it through hell and back with someone and not care for them even a little bit. But they'd just have to cross that bridge when they came to it. For now, simply not hating her was all that Naomi could offer her, and that in itself was an improvement. A few days ago it was strictly being willing to work with her, and any improvement on that was good improvement. She didn't want to say they were friends, though, maybe because she didn't want to jinx it.
They sat mostly in silence as they watched the last round of poker that afternoon, but it wasn't an awkward one. It was almost companionable. When they did talk after that it was to make jokes at Henri and the pilots' expense or for Naomi to explain the rules or tell a story or two about her father or any of her wingmen while the Princess took in every word. And that was more than enough to relax Naomi. They could worry about winning the war later, but just for that day they were having fun.