Chapter 14: Hello, Wade Wilson.
Thanks for all the reviews. This is not one of my more popular stories, so they mean a lot.
Not fair, all of you got who that was with only the smallest of hints. There are hundreds of masked men in the Marvelverse, and all of you are like 'Deadpool'. Oh well, I tried.
Tell me who you want to meet next. Remember this is a lighthearted crackish fic.
Hphphp
"Shhh, I'm hiding from Wolverine," the man said, putting his finger in front of his mouth. He looked absolutely ridiculous doing so. He was a grown man in costume hiding up on a bookcase in the study of a man he didn't even know.
"Who the fuck is Wolverine?" Sirius asked, looking to Tony for the answer. He was new to this world, so he hoped the other man knew who the masked man was talking about.
"I don't know," the billionaire said, still looking at the stranger. "Who the hell are you talking about? And why the fuck are you hiding in my office?" he asked instead. He was still trying to figure out how the man got passed the wards and Jarvis. His hands inched towards the drawers. He had no idea if the man was armed or not. He couldn't see any of his body, just his masked face.
"You know, Wolverine. Logan." Nothing. "James Howlett." Still confusion. "Hugh Jackman," the man said, saying all those names like they were common knowledge. "The good looking one of the X-men movie," he added as if that cleared it up.
"I have no idea who you are talking about," Sirius said to him, a look of complete bafflement on his face.
"Oops, wrong universe. I wonder who would play him here," the masked man said, taking on a thinking pose. He pondered on that for a moment in complete silence then decided it wasn't important. He waved it off and shook his head. "Still, I'm hiding from him," he stated, looking around like this Wolverine would show up any moment.
"Get down here and explain yourself," Tony said to the man, standing from his chair and rummaging through his drawers. He had given up the pretense of being subtle. He knew he had a gun in this drawer, it must have slid back. The thing was heavy enough for that.
"I can't. Logan will find me if I come out of hiding," the man protested, still hiding on top of the bookshelves. He sounded scared, but it was hard to tell with his eyes hidden. It felt like he was begging not to be outed. He could just be a really good actor.
"I don't think the man you are hiding from is here," Sirius said, then again Jarvis hadn't told them this guy was here. He made a show of looking around to humor the crazy man. "See, no one here but us three," he added as if speaking to a child, or insane person.
"Don't you want to hear my idea for a birthday party?" the masked man asked, still up on the shelves. He sounded hurt, like he had a really good idea, and they were shooting it down before it was even voiced.
"No, I have no idea who you are," Tony said, finally pulling a gun from his desk and aiming at the man. "Get down here," he said, again. He was going to have to store this gun better, but he was too used to having better security. It was getting painfully clear that there were people that could bypass both mundane and magical safety measures though. That was unsettling. He wondered if there were things that could survived gun shots. He didn't want to think about that right now.
"Fine, but if Logan comes, I'm blaming you," the man said, hopping down and holding up his hands. Not that he was worried about a measly gun, but he didn't feel like getting shot right now. He would have to repair his suit and he hated sewing. Vanessa, his hot girlfriend, didn't like it either. He was better at it than her anyway, still he hated doing it all the time.
"Jarvis, how did this guy get in here?" Tony asked the AI. It should have been impossible. They had set the wards as soon as they moved to the mansion. Jarvis had cameras throughout the whole mansion, in every corner of the place. There shouldn't be anyway this man should be standing in front of him without some warning.
The wards around Ivy's room were set to kill like the tower, and the manor had maiming wards that would cripple someone painfully. The morals of those that lived in the manor were not of the highest, bar the Captain and Pepper. Those two were the voices of reason. Well, Remus tried, but when it came to Ivy, he was ready to render anyone a mess. Even their two virtuous people were blood thirsty when it came to protecting Ivy, but their ideas of maiming were papercuts in comparison to the rest.
"I do not know, sir. He did not show up on any of my screens until he spoke," Jarvis said, going over all his programs and checking for malfunctions. There was just nothing there, it was like the man had appeared out of thin air. "Perhaps he is magical?" the AI suggested. "Though he does not register as one," he added, knowing that magicals had an aura and this man did not have one.
"Magical? Me? No, I'm just that good at sneaking," the man said, sitting down on the floor and crossing his legs. He looked like a child ready for a story. "I learned how to bypass security ages ago," he added, rocking back and forth just like the child mentioned earlier. He started humming a tune and just swayed back and forth for a moment.
"No one is that good," Tony said, still holding the gun on the man.
"You're ruining my vibe, man," he snarked at Tony and continued to hum.
"Sir, Miss Ivy is coming towards you," Jarvis informed those in the room. "She woke for some water and heard your voices," he said in way of an explanation.
"Oh, goodie," the man said, whipping out a birthday present and placing it on the ground in front of him. It was a large present that had no business coming from anywhere on his person. It was large enough to contain a Great Dane, and Tony sincerely hoped it didn't hold a dog. There were no holes in it, so…
"Where did that come from?" Sirius asked, looking at the form fitting suit the man was wearing. The still unnamed man said he wasn't magical.
"I don't know," the man said, honestly. "The author just made it appear." He glared at a spot to his right and then shrugged again.
"What?" both the other men said, looking at him like he was crazy.
"Never mind," the red clad man said, waving his hand and looking to the door. He was most eager to meet the cutest girl in the world. He had heard rumors just today that she was here, and he came just to meet her, and hide from Logan. See, two birds and all that. Who wouldn't want to meet the cutest thing since Shirley Temple? Some say even more so.
Ivy came in and noted the three men in the room. She saw Tony was pointing a gun at the masked man, who was sitting on the floor, and she skirted around him, though she did wonder about the large present. Was it his birthday?
Deadpool had to admit she was the most adorable thing he had ever laid eyes on. Her hair was mussed from sleep, and she was wearing footsie pajamas. She looked like something out of a cartoon. Like a Who from Whoville. It was a good thing he was not the Grinch.
"Mr. Tony, who is this? Is he a bad guy?" she asked in her sweet little voice. She crept her hand on to her new daddy's shirt and held on to it for comfort. That made Deadpool think she was even cuter than before, if that was possible.
"We're not sure," Tony said honestly. He tucked Ivy behind him and still kept his aim on the unknown man.
"Mister, are you a bad guy?" she asked, not getting any closer. She peeked out from behind Mr. Tony. She giggled because the man looked so silly in his suit. There was now a birthday hat on his head. One of those cone ones, and it was bright green. She couldn't see his eyes, but there was an air of silliness about him.
"I am an anti-hero," the man said proudly.
"Is that a bad guy?" Ivy asked, never having heard the words before. She looked at all three men in the room for an answer. Mr. Tony and Mr. Sirius looked just as confused as she did.
"Not exactly," the still unnamed man said, then added, "but it's not a good guy either. It's more like a mercenary."
"Oh," was all she said. She didn't know what that was, but it made Mr. Tony's hand tighten and relax at the same time. Like he knew what he was dealing with now, and he wasn't quite as off footed.
The man nudged the present and said, "Happy early Birthday!" He threw up his hands and confetti was tossed in the air. It was pink and purple. Then he had a noise maker and was blowing it. Happy Birthday to You started playing from somewhere. It was like a miniature party was happening around the one man. There was even a small strobe light in time with the music.
"Oh, I forgot," Ivy said, making Tony and Sirius sweat a bit. She went to get the package, but Tony stopped her.
"We don't know this man," he said, holding on to her the back of her pajamas. He wasn't just going to let her open a present from some unknown man. Not without checking it six ways to Sunday.
"Oh, hello, my name is Ivy Harriet," she said with a cute curtsy. Now the man knew her, and she could get her present. Simple logic.
The man stood and bowed. "Hello, my name is Deadpool. Or Wade Wilson, if you must. It is very nice to meet you, Ivy Harriet," he said, pushing the present towards her. It was heavy, but he was strong.
"Sirius, see if there is anything funny about the present," Tony said, still holding the gun at the man, but his arm was getting tired.
Sirius waved his wand over the present and he found nothing wrong with it. He nudged it with his foot, and it didn't explode. He didn't move it an inch and was shocked that the other man had moved it so easily.
"I promise on my life that it is not a bad present," Deadpool said, holding up his hands like it was a valid promise. There was a sound of voices singing 'Hallelujah'. Everyone looked around for this mysterious music producing machine, but none could be found.
"How do we know that is a good promise?" Sirius asked once the noise stopped, raising his wand so that Tony could lower the gun, which the man finally did. There was a sense of relief from Tony. His arm had been getting tired.
"Jarvis, scan the present," Tony said, putting the gun on the desk near his hand.
Jarvis did and came up with nothing dangerous. "It is clean, sir," he informed his creator. "There is no sign of explosives or any thing that would hurt Miss Ivy."
"I'm going with you," Tony said to Ivy. He grabbed her hand and he walked to the gift.
"Yay," Ivy said, skipping to the large present, tugging her hand free and tearing open the wrapping. She lifted the top of the box and saw a unicorn. A live unicorn. "Mr. Deadpool, how did you find a unicorn?" she asked, petting the animal.
The sides of the box fell open and there in all its glory was a pink unicorn with a silver horn. The mane was darker than the rest of the coat and it sparkled with some shimmering substance. When Ivy petted it, that substance stayed on the unicorn.
"I just did. I was wandering around a forest one day and Frank here came up to me and said he wanted to be a princesses' pet. I didn't know any princesses, so I thought of you," Deadpool said, looking at the little girl, though it was hard to tell with his mask. His voice was soft and kind though.
"Your name is Frank?" she asked the tiny unicorn. It was only about two feet tall. Like a pygmy unicorn.
The unicorn nodded its head up and down a few times in a positive manner. Its mane flying in the air as it moved. It stamped its hooves and there was a sense of contentment about it.
"I named him after my nemesis. Well, his name is Francis, but I like Frank better," the man said, sitting back on the floor. "Happy Birthday, Ivy Harriet," he said again. His voice sounded like he was smiling, so Ivy smiled back and went to kiss him on the cheek. Tony held her back though.
"Can I keep him, Mr. Tony?" Ivy asked, starting to pet the unicorn again. She really hoped that she could. She so loved animals. All her owl friends had made it here, and she saw them every other day. Mr. Goose was a good friend, and she was sure he wouldn't mind sharing her with this beautiful creature.
"There's room outside for him. We'll have to build a stable, but yes, if the magicals can hide him, you can keep him," Tony said, thinking of the light in those green eyes as they looked on the unicorn. "Thanks a lot, asshole. How are we supposed to top that?" he said to Deadpool. He couldn't think of anything that could top a unicorn.
"Mr. Tony, you need to put money in the cuss jar," Ivy said, pointing to the living room where the half-full cuss jar was. There were a lot of potty mouths in this house. Only Miss Pepper hadn't put any money in so far.
Tony swore under his breath and dropped a fifty in the jar to cover all the cussing he had done that evening. He was the worse offender, besides believe it or not, Remus. When that man got on a good rant, he swore like a sailor. So far, he owed Sirius some serious money, no pun intended, to cover his cussing debt.
Sirius blushed and got up and dropped a galleon in for his cussing that night as well. He wasn't near as bad as the others, but there it was.
"Now, do you want to hear my idea about tomorrow?" Deadpool asked, still sitting on the floor. He called Frank over to him and was petting the unicorn with Ivy. Tony made sure that Ivy stayed on the opposite side of the masked man. He may not pose a danger at the moment, but he was still a stranger.
Sirius dropped his wand, obviously this man was not a threat for now. He fell into a chair and sighed. They all sat in silence for a moment. Then Ivy yawned. She didn't want to leave Frank, but it was late at night, and she was just a little girl.
"Ivy, sweetie, why don't you go back to bed, while we adults talk?" Tony said, bending over and picking her up, and carrying her to her bed.
"What about Frank?" she asked, looking over his shoulder at the unicorn. He was so pretty, with his pink fur and silver horn. Maybe she could sneak him into her room when the adults were asleep. Those were her thoughts as her eyes fluttered shut.
"I'm sure we can take care of him tonight," he said, hoping that was true. How hard could it be? The unicorn could eat the grass outside, right? They'd just open the door and he'd go outside.
"I'll take care of him," Deadpool said, after all he had been doing it for a week now. Frank was an easy-going animal. A bit of grass and he was a happy bugger. There must be somewhere around here they could shelter him.
Tony came back to Sirius pointing his wand at Deadpool. "What did he do?" he asked, hoping for a quiet and quick discussion.
"He called me a name," Sirius said, putting his wand down.
"What did he call you?" Tony asked, trying not to laugh.
"I don't know," Sirius confessed again, "but it didn't sound nice." He wasn't up on pop culture, though he had watched a few of the newer movies. Still this guy kept spewing names and movie references he had no clue about. Who the hell was Gary Oldman anyway and why did this guy say he looked like him. Was that an insult?
'Did you seriously silence me?' Deadpool signed in sign language. 'I cannot believe you thought that would shut me up. I can talk without my voice, asshole.' He kept right on signing until Tony raised his hand.
Neither man knew sign language, so they looked up. "Jarvis," was all Tony said.
Jarvis translated.
"Yes, yes, I did," Sirius said, when the AI was done. "You were running your mouth," he explained, as if it was a perfectly logical reaction.
'Asshole,' the masked man signed back. They didn't need a translator for that sign.
Sirius waved his wand again and Deadpool could talk since silencing him was futile. "So, what is your idea?" he asked, hoping they wouldn't regret it.
"Why don't you take her to the magical zoo?" Deadpool suggested, rocking back and forth on his feet like he had come up with a million-dollar idea. He reached over and started petting Frank again. He didn't tell Tony that the unicorn was eating the carpet. They would need to get him outside soon.
"There's a magical zoo?" both men said, then looked at one another.
"How could you not know that?" Tony asked Sirius. "You're the magical one," he added, going to his desk, and sitting down. He was getting tired and wanted this day to end.
"My parents never took me to a zoo," the man answered with a great deal of bitterness. "Though come to think of it, I still should have heard other kids talk about it. Are you sure there is one?" he asked Deadpool, looking at him like he was making it up.
"I'm pretty sure one was just made up for the sake of the story," the masked man said, looking off to the side and winking behind his mask.
"What?" both men asked, once again thrown for a loop at what the man was spewing.
"Never mind. I can show you where it is. It's hard to get to and I've only been once. The cost of admission is cheap, but it's beautiful," Deadpool said, his voice dreamy. "I've never seen the like." He had been many places, but a magical zoo was… magical.
"Do they take real money? Or is Sirius going to have to pay?" Tony wanted to know. He had some galleons, but he just wanted to know what kind of money was needed.
"Both," Deadpool said. "They take all kinds to enter, but only wizard money inside." He had been disappointed at that. There had been many souvenirs there that he had wanted to buy, but he only had mundane money.
"We'll both pay," Sirius said, thinking of how much fun it would be. Then he yawned, making the other two men to the same.
"Jarvis, get everyone up by seven in the morning," Tony said, then he pointed at Deadpool. "You can stay in the guest room. Behave yourself. I have an Ivy and I'm not afraid to use her on you," he threatened. He figured that threat would make the man behave for the night.
"Low blow, man," Deadpool said, slumping his shoulders and snapping his fingers. He shuffled off to the guest room with Jarvis showing him the way via lights on the wall. He was tired anyway. He could make some mischief tomorrow.
"What a strange bloke," Sirius said, taking a glass and filling it with some booze. He slammed down the drink and pushed the glass away. "I'm headed to bed." with those words he did just that.
"Me too," Tony said, forgoing anything to drink and seeking his bed. Then he turned around and went back to his office. There in the middle of the room was the unicorn. What was he supposed to do with it? He left the room and came back with some rope from somewhere and tied it to the unicorn's neck. He then proceeded to try and get the animal to go to the side doors, where there was a yard.
That didn't work, so he went to the kitchen and scrounged up a carrot. Unicorns liked carrots, right? He took it back to the beast, and tried to tempt it to the yard. That got him as far as the kitchen, were the unicorn smelled more food and water. Tony got some water for the animal hoping that was what it wanted and took the bowl and put it outside the door.
Finally, Frank was outside tied up to the side of the building. Tony just hoped there were no reporters hanging about. He then took himself to bed.
Hphphp
"We're going to the zoo," Tony announced when everyone was sitting at the table the next morning. Well, not everyone was there, but all those who had not been present for Deadpool's arrival were, bar Pepper, who was getting Ivy ready.
"We are?" Steve asked, perking up a bit. He loved the thought of seeing animals. The zoos from his time were not the greatest, he heard they had much improved and couldn't wait to see how.
"Yup, a magical one," Sirius elaborated as Deadpool walked into the room.
Natasha and Clint pulled their weapons and pointed them at the man. "Deadpool," Natasha said, ready to shoot the man.
"Hey, she knows me," Wade said, pointing a finger at the Widow.
"He's alright," Tony said, cutting a warning glare at the masked man. "He is the one who suggested the zoo," he elaborated. He then introduced Deadpool to the rest of the Avengers.
"Why are we going to the zoo?" Clint asked, lowering his bow. He, of course, knew Wade Wilson. Everyone in SHEILD did. The man was infamous for not being able to die.
"It's Ivy's birthday," Tony said, as if he had not forgotten.
"Shit," came the collective response, even Steve said it.
"Cuss jar," Deadpool said brightly.
Grumbling everyone who cussed dropped their dollar in.
"What did you do with Frank?" Deadpool asked, raising his mask far enough to expose his mouth so he could eat some of the pancakes and bacon that was on the table.
Everyone stared at his scarred chin and mouth. Now they understood why he wore a mask. Unlike others, who just didn't want to be identified, he had an excuse.
"I tied him up against the building. Sirius, Remus, Loki, I need you three to build a stable and magic it up so that the mundane can't see it," Tony said, glaring at the door he had led Frank out of last night.
"Who is Frank?" Thor asked, digging into the Pop Tarts that had been left out just for him. He was the only one that ate them, besides Ivy, who only ate two at a time compared to his two or three boxes.
So Tony explained what had happened last night, and everyone glared at Deadpool. They all agreed with Tony, how were they going to top that present? It would be difficult, but it was a challenge. Or they would just get her something nice this year and spend all of next year thinking on what to get.
Ivy came skipping in the room, fresh as a daisy and ready for the day. She was carrying Goose in her arms.
"Happy Birthday, Ivy!" everyone said as a greeting.
"Thank you," she said cutely. Then she looked around for Frank. "Where is Frank?"
"He's right outside," Tony said, pointing to the door.
She skipped over and opened the door to introduce Mr. Goose to Frank, who she didn't call mister, because he was obviously still a kid. Mr. Goose hissed at the animal and Frank whinnied back. They continued for a few seconds then Mr. Goose jumped out of Ivy's arms and stalked away.
"Oh, well, I think they've come to an understanding," she said, giggling her tinkling giggle and joining everyone at the table.
"I'm sure Goose told him who's boss," Tony said, eating the last of his eggs.
Ivy poured herself some sugary cereal and milk. She didn't like eggs every day. The cereal was kid fortified, so they let her have it every now and then as long as she brushed her teeth like a good girl. She was sure she could use her cuteness to get her way, but she liked to keep that away from her family unless needed.
"Ivy, did you want to watch us put up a house for Frank?" Loki asked, thinking that could be his birthday present for her. He would put up a magical stable that she could use as a playhouse. One side would be the stable the other side a castle. He had already conferred with Remus who was onboard with the plan. Sirius wanted to spend money on the little one, but Loki and Remus would do this.
"Yes, please, Mr. Loki," Ivy said, brightening the room with her smile.
"After breakfast then," Loki said, looking to Tony. "Do you have building materials?"
"I'll have some delivered," the billionaire said, reaching for his phone. With enough money you could get anything done. "One of you magicals, glamor Frank until it's built. And make sure you build it big enough to house a real horse and pony. We might as well teach Ivy to ride," he said, sending orders to Jarvis to get some wood and nails to the mansion as quickly as possible.
"How many horses?" Remus asked, looking out the window to the expansive yard and judging where to build this structure.
"Only five horses, and maybe two ponies, including Frank. You guys can glamor him to look like a horse, right?" Tony asked, putting the phone down and looking to Sirius.
"Yeah, simple enough," the man said, drinking the last of his coffee, and lamenting that there was no tea.
"It's settled then. You put up the stable when we come back from the zoo. The materials won't be here until then. You magic Frank to look like a horse and we'll leave him where he is," Tony said, getting up to prepare for the day.
"Sounds like a plan," Natasha said, throwing her napkin on the table and gathering her dishes to put in the dishwasher.
Everyone, but Ivy, Deadpool, and Pepper, did the same.
"Mr. Deadpool, I want to thank you again for my new friend," Ivy said, getting up and putting her bowl in the dishwasher. She then went and finally got to kiss the man's cheek. It was partially exposed from his eating. She could see that he was horribly wrinkled, and she wanted to sooth him.
"You're welcome, princess," Wade said, holding the spot where her lips had met his skin. Only his girlfriend ever really touched his skin with any affection.
"You're coming to the zoo with us, right?" she asked, going to Pepper and waiting for her to finish her toast.
"You bet," the masked man said, thinking of all the chaos he could create.
"And you're going to be nice to my family, right?" she said as if she read his mind.
"Do I have to?" Deadpool whined.
"Yes," she said, giggling her giggle at the funny man.
"Fine," he pouted, lowering his mask, and putting his plate in the dishwasher.
"You'd better," Pepper said, finishing her meal and putting the rest of the dishes in the dishwasher and starting it. She put the rest of the food away and then took Ivy to wash up and brush her teeth.
Deadpool looked to the right and said, "That doesn't mean I can't still have fun."