CANNONBALL RUN 7: HIGH SPEED HEROES
By BKelly 95 and the Turbo Man.
CHAPTER THREE: "Let's Go Crazy".
DISCLAIMER: The usual.
Somewhere out in the desert near Las Venturas was a small ghost town by the name of Las Brujas. It was here that the four mobile assassin hired by Lester congregated.
"Tonight's the pre-race party according to the intelligence that the Foyts were able to give us." Charger said. "Tomorrow they actually start racing. The Foyts and Lidell are going to the Four Dragons to gather intelligence."
"Great idea, but I thought we agreed that we'd try to see how good the Cannonballers are on the road, just to see what we're up against." Said AMX.
"Don't worry." Said Stingray as she headed for her car. "I'm going out on the road now. Hopefully I'll find me a Cannonballer."
"Do you know what to look for?" asked Camaro.
"Sure. Some moron driving very fast and very recklessly." Stingray laughed as she got into her car, put on her helmet and drove off out of town.
"I'll contact Mastermind to let him know we've arrived." Said Camaro as he approached a small shack.
High up, on a mountain overlooking the town, a silver Dodge Super 8 Hemi was parked, observing the villains' camp.
A pair of binoculars pulled back into the car and the window rolled up.
"Let's make the call tonight." said one of the five mysterious men in the car.
Down below, in the town, Camaro had contacted Lester on a CB radio.
"Mastermind, we are now in San Andreas, not too far from the starting line. Stingray has gone out to try and find a Cannonballer. What are your orders?" he asked.
"Hold your position for now." Lester replied. "I'll check in with Big Boss to check the status of his agents."
Lester picked up his cell phone and dialled Big Boss' number. After a few seconds he answered.
"Big Boss, it's Lester." He said. "Have you sent your agents into the field?"
"Only the Foyts and Lidell." Said Big Boss. "Turbo, McBoomBoom, and Toulour will go into action when the race starts."
"Where are the Foyts and Lidell now?" asked Lester.
"In Las Venturas as we speak. You'll be pleased to know that the Foyts are going to try and gather info that will help your plan to spring your employer from jail." Said Big Boss.
"The deuce you say." Said Lester.
"I never kid, limey!" snapped Big Boss.
Mr. Chairman quickly grabbed the phone from Big Boss and said. "Careful! We don't want to piss him off! One bad report about us to DeMarco and we can kiss our share of the money goodbye!"
Mr. Chairman then spoke into the phone.
"We are being very serious, Lester." He said. "You see, our spies have confirmed that George Bluth Sr, a former Orange County inmate and ironically, head of the construction company that built the prison is on his way to Las Venturas as we speak. Apparently, two of his sons are going to be racing and the Cannonball hosts extended an invitation to him to watch the race from the hotel."
"So, I take it that the Foyts are going to pump him for information?" said Lester.
"Absolutely. After they're done with Bluth, they will go out on the road to aid your agents. Lidell is with them just to scope out the racers. We warned him to be careful in case his old rival Mr. Lane sees him." Said Mr. Chairman.
"Right. I'll contact you again later. Good luck with your plans." Said Lester.
"Likewise." Said Mr. Chairman as he hung up.
In Las Venturas, the Four Dragons casino got ready to welcome the racers who had gathered from all over the world for the Cannonball Run.
At this moment though, a silver 1992 Jaguar XJ220 and a black 1970 Chevy Nova drove down the main strip.
In the Jaguar, named the Tygrus, were Alice and Janice Foyt. Lidell drove the Nova, named the Brigand.
"Alright. Here we are. The Four Dragons." Said Alice.
"So, just sneak in the back way?" Janice asked.
"That would be the wise choice as the race organisers know about us." Said Alice.
"Hey, I agree with you. I don't want Lane to see me until it's the right time." Said Lidell.
"Hold on, who's that coming?" Janice asked.
They looked and saw the Silver Bullet drive into the parking lot of the Casino, and watched Lone Wolf exit the car.
"It's that blasted agent of Mr. X's." Alice hissed. "How they manage to twist law-abiding citizens around their little fingers, I'll never know."
"Look there." Said Lidell as a black and white police car and a blue police motorcycle also pulled into the parking lot. Bulletproof, Hardtop and Bullseye got out of the black and white while Highway got off the motorcycle.
"That's Baldwin P. Vess." Said Lidell. "He's the leader of Empire City's Central Organisation of Police Specialists! And those guys with him are his top vehicle officers."
"C.O.P.S.?" Alice said in disgust. "I thought they were the best at what they did, but now they aid the Cannonballers! What in God's name is the world coming to?"
"Easy, mom. We'll show them all that, despite who we team up with, we do our best to bring justice to lawbreakers." Said Janice.
Alice smiled. "I knew I could count on you, darling."
Inside the Four Dragons, Lone Wolf was greeted by Brock, Mr. X and Richard.
"Guys! Great to see you all again." He said as he shook each of their hands.
"And you too, Lone Wolf." Said Brock. "You did a great job in the race two years ago, so we thought we could use your help again."
"So, how's that rather exotic girlfriend of yours?" asked Mr. X.
"Mitzi's fine. So, when do the racers get here?" asked Lone Wolf.
"They should mostly be in San Andreas right now." Said Mr. X. "You'll be working with a partner this year, Lone Wolf. He should be here now."
"Yes, here they are." Said Brock as the C.O.P.S. representatives entered and approached them.
"Mr. Yates?" Bulletproof asked as he extended his hand. "Federal Agent Vess at your service."
"Pleased to meet you, Agent Vess." Said Brock. "So which one is Officer Hardtop?"
"That's me." Said Hardtop as he stepped forward.
"I'd like to introduce you to your partner for the race. The Lone Wolf." Said Mr. X.
Lone Wolf shook Hardtop's hand. "I'm sure together we'll be a perfect protection team for the Cannonballers." He said.
"I hope so." Replied Hardtop.
"You'll have us to back you up." Said Highway.
"That's right." Said Bullseye.
"I know. And some of the previous Cannonballers who are involved in law enforcement stepped up to provide protection." Said Mr. X. "They'll be arriving later. But for now, I'll show you guys to your rooms."
At the villains' HQ, another member of Big Boss' criminal empire had just arrived. It was the notorious evil scientist Dr. Percy Cranial, known to his associates as Dr. Badvibes.
"Greetings, Big Boss." he said. "I've acquired that technological help you asked for our Cannonball plan."
"So, you really managed to get your hands on the plans for those androids made by the Foxes?" asked Big Boss.
"Yes, indeed." replied Badvibes. "I have prepared one hundred battalions of them. There are two battalions outside right now."
Big Boss and his associates followed Badvibes outside and saw about fifty humanoid figures dressed in black leather body suits and full face racing helmets with the visors closed.
"So these are the famous WASP droids." said Mr. Chairman.
"Exactly." said Badvibes. "Loyal, lethal and relentless. I obtained the plans for their 'Rat' motorcycles too, although they have been programmed so that they can drive pretty much anything with wheels, and a few things without.".
"Well done, Badvibes." said Big Boss. "I guess we should all now group up with those assassins Lester hired in San Andreas.".
"What does he call them again, sir?" asked Squeaky.
"The Killer Cars." sighed Big Boss.
"Killer Cars?" said Turbo. "Is the guy a Monty Python nut or something?"
"Probably. After all, he IS English." said Buttons.
"Actually he called them that because they are assassins and their codenames are the models of their cars." said Yuri.
"Well, it still sounds stupid." said Buttons.
"Oh, says the guy who goes by the name of Buttons McBoomBoom." said Toulour.
"Well what about YOU, 'Night Fox'?" said Turbo.
"Enough!" said Yuri. "We must get to the plane now. Before we do, though, there is a pressing matter I must bring up.".
"Oh, what's that?" asked Mr. Chairman.
"As you may have heard, there are now two specially powered masks worn by two selected Cannonballers." Yuri said. "The first is the Captain Chaos mask. The second is the Captain Fury mask. However, as fortune would have it, there is a third mask which can counteract the powers of Chaos and Fury.".
"I know what you mean." Squeaky announced. "The Total Anarchy mask. The one that was possessed by the ping pong master Feng in last year's race. It apparently saved his life before last year when Randy Daytona tried to kill him.".
"I see what you're getting at Yuri." said Mr. Chairman. "We should get our hands on it.".
"Exactly. It was lost somewhere in Oregon last year." said Yuri.
Big Boss turned to Badvibes and said "After we've done the tune-up of our anti-race vehicles at the start of the race, I want you to take a battalion of Wasps and search for the Total Anarchy mask. It can be done with their enhanced senses, can't it?"
Badvibes smiled. "Indeed it can."
"Okay, so let's go!" said Turbo. "I can't wait to kick some ass!".
"Then, to the plane it is!" said Toulour.
About twenty miles away from Las Venturas, a prison road crew dug a ditch by the side of the road.
The head officer climbed out of his cruiser and observed them.
"Okay, put your backs into it!" he yelled. "Unlike you guys, I ain't got plenty of time!"
Three twentysomething girls on the crew glared at him. They were former jewel thieves known as Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy.
"What a slave driver." said Chrissy. "I think he'd die of boredom if he didn't have anyone to order around."
"Hey relax, Chris." Said Missy. "I'll make you feel better later tonight."
"I'm not in the mood right now." Replied Chrissy as she resumed digging.
"I'd love to get my hands on that two-faced bitch Justice!" said Sissy. "And those two stoner freaks who got us sent up!"
"Okay! Take five!" the head officer called out. The crew stopped digging and climbed out of the ditch to sit down.
As Sissy and her cohorts sat down, they heard the roar of an engine, and looked to see the Falcon driving past. All three of them froze when they noticed Jay and Silent Bob sitting in the back seat.
"Son of a bitch!" said Chrissy. "That was them!"
"Ask and ye shall receive!" said Sissy. "I say we go after them!"
"How?" whispered Chrissy.
"Hang on. I've got an idea" said Missy.
Missy quickly grabbed her stomach and started moaning.
"What's going on here?" asked the head officer.
"She just started feeling sick." said Sissy. "I don't know what's wrong with her."
"Let me check her out." said the head officer. "I can't have you getting sick on me now. This ditch isn't finished yet."
"No, but you are." said Chrissy. She quickly drove her fists into the man's chest and knocked him onto his back.
Sissy jumped on him and hit him in the groin. She then took his keys.
"I knew I shouldn't have turned down backup." he groaned.
Sissy quickly undid her cuffs, then those of Chrissy and Missy.
"I've got his car keys." said Missy. "We can then use it to go after those two burnouts."
The three girls ran for the cruiser and got in. As the head officer got to his feet, Sissy started the engine and drove off at high speed. She stuck her finger out the window and flipped the bird to the head officer.
Not too far away, a young black man, known to his friends as Shorty, drove along in his car, smoking a joint.
Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light and the Road Lord appeared near him, causing him to swerve to avoid hitting it.
As Shorty brought his car to a stop, the Thunder and the Juice appeared too.
"Well, guys. Here we are." Said Mason. "We're about ten miles outside of Las Venturas."
"Roger that, Mason." Said Gunny in the Thunder. "Well, let's go."
Shorty had stopped his car and marched over to the Road Lord and knocked on its' window.
"Hey, man!" he yelled. "Why don't you watch what you're doing? You nearly made me crash back there!"
"Hey, sorry. But when you cross between different dimensions, it's always risky." Said Mason.
"Hey, junkie, we're in a hurry, so why don't you take yourself off." Said General Warwick.
"Just one thing." Said Shorty as he took the joint out of his mouth. "Did you guys say you came from another dimension?"
"That's right." Said Coach Knox.
Shorty smiled and looked at his joint in amazement.
"Whoa! This is some GOOD shit!". He said.
Mason and his friends rolled their eyes and drove off.
In a small town further up the road, the Supernova XS had stopped at a gas station to refuel. While Marcus pumped, Nick was inside the store paying for the gas. Nick exited the shop as Marcus stopped pumping and hung up the pump nozzle.
Both men heard the sound of a high-powered engine and looked.
The Sorcerer roared past the gas station.
"I'll be damned!" Said Nick. "It's Tanner. He still owes us that 500 bucks!"
"Get in then! I'll drive!" Said Marcus as he got into the driver's seat.
As Nick got in on the passenger side, Marcus peeled out and took off after the Sorcerer.
Tanner looked in his mirror and saw the Supernova XS coming up behind them.
"Oh, shit!" said Tanner as he put his foot down. The Sorcerer sped off with the Supernova XS snapping at its' heels.
Down the road...
The Black Knight cruised along, with Max driving.
"This car handles like a dream." he said to Jake. "We should be in Venturas in about half an hour."
"How about a little music?" asked Jake as he turned on the car's radio.
A song started playing on the radio.
"Ah, this is one of my favourites." said Jake.
Into your head.
Into your mind.
Out of your soul.
Race through your veins.
You can't escape.
You can't escape.
"This is good. What's it called?" asked Max.
"Rush." replied Jake. He looked in the rear view mirror.
"Very appropriate considering what I'm seeing." he added.
"What?" asked Max.
Suddenly, both the Sorcerer and the Supernova XS swerved around the Black Knight and roared on down the road.
Into your life.
Into your dreams,
Out of the dark.
Sunlight again.
You can't explain You can't explain.
"If I was still a cop, I'd probably take off after those two." said Max.
"Nah, let them be. They'll get where they're going in one piece. I hope." said Jake.
The Supernova XS tried to pass the Sorcerer but Tanner cut him off. The two cars turned round a corner and narrowly avoided hitting each other.
"Come on, Tanner! Lose this guy!" Tobias yelled.
"I'm trying!" Tanner replied.
Tanner saw a white Cadillac coming down the road the opposite way and swerved around it quickly. This caused the Cadillac's driver to wobble a bit on the road. The Supernova XS steered to the side of the road and passed the Cadillac, narrowly avoiding a collision.
Can You feel it?
Can you feel it,
Rushin' through your hair,
Rushin' through your head.
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Don't let nobody tell you your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.
Both cars turned another sharp corner and passed a blue Corvette Stingray. Little did they know that this was Stingray's car, out on the hunt.
"Mastermind, I have a visual on two possible Cannonballers." she said. "Shall I give chase, over?"
"Alright, but do not take action yet." Lester said over the radio. "Just see what they can do on the road."
"Roger." she replied.
The Sorcerer and Supernova XS tore into the next town and the Sorcerer quickly turned around a truck as it pulled into the cars' path. The Supernova and Stingray had to wait for the truck to pass before they could continue pursuit.
Pulling you in.
Spinning you 'round.
Lifting your feet.
Right off the ground,
You can't believe.
It's happening now.
Can You feel it?
Can you feel it?
Rushin' through your hair,
Rushin' through your head,
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
The Supernova and the Stingray continued their pursuit after the truck moved out of the way.
"Who's that in the 'Vette?" asked Nick.
"Probably another racer. But never mind that now. We've gotta catch Tanner!" said Marcus as he sped after the Sorcerer which had already exited the town.
Don't let nobody tell you your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.
It takes you to another place,
imagine everything you can.
All the colors start to blend,
Your system overloads again.
Can you feel it?
The Sorcerer quickly turned off the interstate and drove into the desert.
"Are you sure this will be a good shortcut?" asked Tanner.
"Sure, and those guys are now so far behind they'll never guess we went this way." replied Tobias.
The Sorcerer roared off into the desert, heading towards Las Venturas.
Back on the highway, Marcus and Nick looked for Tanner, to no avail.
"Looks like we lost him." said Nick.
"Yeah, for now anyway." replied Marcus.
Suddenly, the Stingray shot past them.
"Catch me if you can." said Stingray.
"I think we should teach that guy a lesson." said Marcus as he took off after the Stingray.
Don't let nobody tell you your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you try.
Don't let nobody tell you - yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't let nobody tell you - yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
As the Supernova sped up to catch up with Stingray, she hit her nitrous oxide and shot forward at great speed, and when she got far enough ahead, she turned and went up a high road, disappearing from Nick and Marcus' sight.
Don't let nobody tell you your life is over,
Be every color that you are,
Give into the rush now,
You don't have to know how,
Know it all before you'll try.
Yeah-e,yeah-e,yeah-e,yeah yeah-e,yeah-e,yeah-e,yeah.
"Rush" by Aly and A.J.
"Damn! I sure as hell hope we'll get some nitrous fitted in before the race if that's our competition!" said Marcus.
"Well, for now try and find that shifty bastard Tanner." said Nick.
Stingray parked her car on an overlook and spoke into her CB.
"These Cannonballers are pretty tough. But not impossible to outsmart." she said. "They've got a lot of guts."
"Yeah. That makes it all the more a shame that we have to waste 'em." replied Camaro over the radio.
Brodie drove along the street in Las Venturas. "Well, guys." he said. "Here's Las Venturas. Nice, huh?"
"Yeah, I like it." said Jay as the Falcon stopped at an intersection.
The guys sat there and waited for the light to change. While they were waiting, a green Corvette pulled alongside.
Silent Bob took a look at the dark-haired woman behind the wheel, then tapped Brodie and Jay on the shoulders and pointed to the woman.
"No way, is that Danica Patrick?" asked Jay.
"It is!" said Brodie.
"Wouldn't it be cool if we raced her?" asked Jay.
"Oh right." said Brodie. "The breakout star of the 2005 Indy 500 is going to race me."
"It could happen." said Jay.
"Mmmm, okay." said Brodie. He rolled down his window and whistled. "Hey, aren't you Danica Patrick?"
"Yeah, I am." replied Danica. "Are you guys racing fans?"
"Uh, not really." said Jay. "So, wanna race?"
"Jay!" said Brodie.
"Sure, why not?" said Danica. "I might need a little practice."
Danica revved the engine of her Corvette. Brodie revved the engine of the Falcon in response. A few seconds later, the light turned green.
The two cars peeled out. Danica's Corvette soared to the next intersection. The Falcon didn't even make it out of the first intersection before Brodie stalled it.
Jay and Silent Bob looked at him. "Not a word." he said.
Brodie drove the Falcon along slowly, not noticing the stolen police cruiser following along behind them.
"Trying to race that 'vette by the look of things." Said Sissy.
"Race?" said Missy. "Of course! I know why we saw so many cars coming here. Some of the screws at the prison said that this year's Cannonball Run is starting in this city.".
"The Cannonball Run?" Chrissy and Sissy chorused.
"The race with the huge cash prize?" asked Chrissy
"That's the one." Said Missy.
A large, predatory smile formed on Sissy's lips.
"This must be our lucky day, girls." She said. "I know that each year, some guys from OUR side of the law try to stop the race and claim the prize money for themselves."
"What are you suggesting, Sis?" said Missy.
"That we tail those lamos to the pre-race party, find out any info on those opposed to the race, and offer our assistance." Said Sissy.
"Sounds a bit risky." Said Chrissy.
"Would you rather that those two stoner jerks win the big cash prize?" Sissy said as she pulled out and followed the Falcon.
"You have a point there." Said Missy.
On the street leading to the Four Dragons Casino, the Bisonte was stuck behind a long line of traffic. Frank honked the car's horn impatiently and looked over at the sidewalk.
An old man walked along with a walker...and was outrunning them.
"Oh, man. This sucks!" complained Darius. "Hey, wait a minute. That line over there is moving."
"Okay, let's go." said Frank as he moved the Bisonte into the opposite lane of traffic. But shortly afterwards, that line of traffic came to a standstill.
"Oh, for God's sake!" said Frank.
"Hey, the first line is moving now!" said Darius.
"Right." grunted Frank as he moved over to the line he was previously in.
A few seconds later, this line came to a halt and the opposite lane started to move.
Frank grumbled to himself and changed lanes again, only to be brought to a halt a few seconds later.
"Un-believable!" Frank grunted.
"Well at least we're almost there." said Darius.
"Very comforting." said Frank sarcastically as he looked back at the sidewalk. The old man was even further down the street.
A few blocks down, the Sorcerer cruised along the street approaching the Casino, having found its way out of the desert.
"No sign of those jokers so far. I think we lost 'em." said Tobias.
Suddenly, the Supernova pulled out of a side street and drove in their direction.
"Oh, great!" grumbled Tanner as he steered into the Four Dragons' parking lot.
"Hang on. I've been here before and there's a great place to hide." said Tobias. "It's right in back. Just go around the rear of the building."
"Okay." said Tanner as he steered around the Four Dragons. As he followed the road around the back, he went over a speed bump, which caused the Sorcerer's hood to open and obscure the view through the windscreen.
"I can't see shit, can you?" said Tanner.
"Don't worry. I think we're nearly there." said Tobias.
The pair couldn't see that they were heading for the rear of the hotel next door to the Four Dragons.
Not only that, but they headed straight into its' swimming pool.
The people in the pool panicked and jumped out as the Sorcerer drove over the edge and landed in the water.
A crowd rushed in to see what had happened.
"Shit!" said J.J. "I think your neighbours need to drain their pool, Woozie."
"Why? Is the water dirty?" said Woozie.
"No, 'cause some moron just drove their car into it." said J.J.
The Starlight and the Peligro had pulled into the parking lot and their occupants climbed out to see what had happened.
"Why's that dude at the hotel next door?" asked Beavis.
"Never mind that. Why did he park his car in the pool?" said Butthead.
"Probably too cheap to go to a car wash." said Beavis.
"Only in America." said Corvax.
Tanner and Tobias had gotten out of the car and swam to the edge of the pool.
"Great! Now we have to retune the car." grumbled Tanner.
"Yeah, well let's go the right hotel and get a beer first." said Tobias as the pair lifted themselves over the side of the pool.
"Not so fast!" said a voice.
Tanner and Tobias looked and saw that the Supernova had parked nearby and Nick and Marcus were now approaching them.
Tanner and Tobias got into a fighting stance as the two cops approached them.
"Hold it right there!" said Mr. X as he approached the four men and got between them.
"Would anyone care to explain what this is all about?"
"Are you a Cannonball official?" asked Nick.
"Yes I am." said Mr. X. "Why, are you entrants?".
"We will be as soon as Two-Faced Tanner here pays us the 500 bucks he owes us!" said Marcus.
"Sit on it, asshole! You're full of it!" snapped Tanner.
"HEY! Take it easy!" said Mr. X. He turned to Nick and Marcus.
"What's this about $500?" he asked.
"Back in California, we beat this guy fair and square in a race for $500. He ran off without paying us." said Nick.
"You sayin' Tanner lost?" said Tobias with mock indignation.
"You know goddamn well he lost, jerkwad! You were there!" Marcus yelled.
Mr. X raised his hand in a pacifying gesture and then turned to face Tanner.
"Is this true, Tanner? And I advise you not to lie as it may jeopardize your chances of entering the race." he said.
There was a brief pause and then Tanner looked embarrassed.
"Yes, it's true." Tanner grumbled resentfully.
"Well, come on then. Save us a lot of trouble and pay the man what you owe him." said Mr. X. "That's a direct order from your employer."
Tanner mumbled to himself and reached into his wallet and pulled out his wad of cash and handed it to Nick.
"Thank you." replied Nick.
"You really need to realise that you can't be number one forever, Tanner." Mr. X said chidingly as he went off.
"Okay, looks like I'll have to stop at an ATM before the race." said Tanner to Nick and Marcus. "But I bet I'll still leave you guys in the dust when we hit the blacktop."
"We'll see." said Marcus. "But first I think you should get your wheels out of that pool."
"AND park in the proper designated area at the RIGHT hotel." Nick added.
Tanner grumbled and went towards the pool to get his car out.
Team Rocket had watched all of this take place.
"Running off without paying?" said Giovanni, impressed. "It's that kind of attitude Team Rocket needs nowadays."
"Oh, thank you!" said Jessie sarcastically. "We haven't even started the race yet and you're looking for replacements!"
"I'm NOT looking for replacements!" Giovanni snapped. "Get off my back, why don't you?"
In a function room in the hotel, Lone Wolf, Richard and Hardtop had been introduced to the other people who would be providing protection for the Cannonballers.
"I can understand them calling you back as you took part in the Cannonball years ago." Lone Wolf said to Dudley Do-Right and the Powerpuff Girls.
"Oh yeah, that was so exciting." said Bubbles.
"We're not the only ones here with previous Cannonball experience, though." said Dudley.
"Yeah, and I see that the Blue Falcon and Dynomutt are here as well." Said Hardtop, looking impressed.
"So, Lone Wolf, I see Mr. X called you back." said Dudley. "You did a great job the last two Cannonballs."
"Well, I do my best." Said Lone Wolf.
Richard looked at a list. "There are some more still to arrive. This in a impressive list. It includes the Incredibles, the Impossibles, Batgirl and the Meteor Man.".
"Did someone mention our names?" asked the masked Batgirl as she entered the room, followed by Mr. Incredible, his wife Elasti-Girl and their children Dash, Violet and the baby Jack-Jack. Behind them were the pop group superheroes known as the Impossibles: Multi-Man, Fluid Man and Coil-Man.
Bringing up the rear was former Washington schoolteacher Jefferson Reed, also known as The Meteor Man.
"Nice to see all you guys here." said Mr. Incredible. "Mr. X really pulled out the stops as far as protection was concerned this year.".
"Amen to that." said Hardtop. "They really must think the racers are in danger this year.".
"They certainly will be if the information we received is true." Said Bulletproof as he and Mr. X entered the room.
"Okay, is everyone present and accounted for?" asked Mr. X.
"Seems to be, chief." said Multi-Man.
"Alright, everybody." Mr. X said." As you may have been informed, this year there is a plan afoot by various villains to spring Jimmy DeMarco from prison and to take revenge on the Cannonballers on his behalf. So, that is why we have called all of you up."
"Some of you will stay here at headquarters to handle security, while most of you will go out on the road to act as protection. I kid you not, people. You have to use every bit of ingenuity you have to stop the bad guys." Bulletproof added.
"Now, not one of you has ever failed in your duty thus far, and we have absolute faith that you won't start now. So, good luck to all of you." Mr. X finished.
The protectors all cheered.
The Falcon had finally arrived at the Four Dragons and parked. Waiting just inside the main door were J.J. and Victor. They smiled when he saw Brodie approach.
"Well." J.J. said as the three New Jersey natives entered the building. "How's the latest Captain Chaos doing?".
"You must be Mr. McClure" Smiled Brodie as he shook J.J's hand. "Victor told me all about you.
Likewise. replied J.J.
I won't let you down during the race. I promise.". Said Brodie to Victor.
"I know you'll be okay." Said Victor. He then noticed Jay and Silent Bob. "So, these are your teammates?".
"Yeah, hi." Said Jay. "I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob."
Bob smiled and waved.
"O-kay." Said J.J. "You're the couple that Bluntman and Chronic were based on, aren't you?".
"That's right, and woe betide any sack of shit who disses that movie on the 'net." Said Jay.
"Hey, guys, chill." Said Brodie. "Let's go get ready for the party."
Just outside, Sissy and her partners had parked the squad car and snuck over to the staff entrance.
A group of waitresses had stepped out to take a cigarette break.
"Okay. There's our way in." Sissy whispered.
"Is it just me, or is it an amazing coincidence that those girls are just our size?" asked Missy.
"Come on, let's go!" said Sissy as she jumped out and tackled one of the waitresses to the ground. Chrissy and Missy followed suit.
The Utopia drove down the strip, heading for the Four Dragons. The Drake listened to a news report on the state's talk radio station, WCTR.
"In other news, famed Vice City silicon star Candice Shrand, formerly known as Candy Suxxx has expressed interest in becoming a serious actress." announced newscaster Lianne Forget. "She has been described by many critics as 'very talented'. They have also said that that fact it is obvious to everyone who has ever seen Ms. Shrand."
Venom and Ron laughed. The Drake just looked confused.
"Could you guys explain that to me?" he asked.
"Well, boss, according to my brother, sometimes when a girl is described as 'talented', it usually refers to how big her ti..."
"Okay! Okay! I get it." said the Drake hurriedly. "Ah, here's the hotel coming up. Got a party to attend.".
"Your brother needs to get out more." said Venom.
"Hey, you laughed too." said Ron.
As the Utopia turned to pull into the parking lot, Forget continued her radio announcement.
"Coming up, the dangers of using cell phone cameras. Hear one man's embarrassing story." announced Liane.
In the Bluths' hotel room, Tobias stood on the balcony while engine noises filled the room.
"I love the smell of Venturas in the morning." he said. "It smells like...weed."
"I hope Dad and Gob like it." said Michael as he sat on the bed. "This is where they're going to be staying while they watch the race."
"So tell me, Michael." said Tobias. "Why do you want your father and Gob watching?"
"So they can see Buster in action." said Michael as the engine noises got progressively louder. "All his life, they've treated him like he was just a child, even in his adult years. Frankly, I'm tired of it! I want them to stop acting like Buster's a washout, like Buster's a screw-up, like Buster's an idiot! I want them to see that Buster can do good, that Buster can stand on his own, that Buster is an achiever! And Buster, you can't do that in the arcade?"
He turned to Buster who played a racing game on a Nintendo Wii, the source of the engine noises. Buster turned to him and sheepishly said "Mother doesn't like me in large crowds."
Tobias noticed his hook and asked "Where's your hand?"
"I have no idea." said Buster as he swung his arms and steered his video game race car into the wall. "I couldn't find it when I unpacked. I'll try looking for it before the party."
"Say, Tobias." said Michael as he took a Twinkie out of the mini-bar. "Did you call Gob about this arrangement?"
"That I did, Michael." said Tobias.
"You told him that we set up a video game system in the backseat and Buster's coming with us, right?" asked Michael.
"Yes, I did." said Tobias.
Out in the hall, Gob and George Sr. stepped out of the elevator.
"So, Tobias called you with the details?" asked George Sr. "What did he say?"
"He said they did something special with the backseat and Buster finally agreed to do it." said Gob. George Sr. looked at him in shock. "His words." added Gob.
"Buster's going with them?" asked George Sr. "He's not up to the challenge."
"Why don't you ask Michael about it?" asked Gob as they reached the room. "He probably has a perfectly good reason."
"Fine." said George Sr. as he knocked on the door. "I'll ask him about it calmly and securely."
Michael answered the door. "Dad, glad you could..."
"What the (bleep) were you thinking?" asked George Sr.
"...come." said Michael as Gob walked in and took his Twinkie.
"Tell me you're not bringing Buster with you." said George Sr.
"My hand's not in the bathroom." said Buster as he walked out of the bathroom. "Hey, dad. Hey, brother."
"Hey, Busty." said Gob as he dropped his suitcase. It started to shake and he steadied it. "I see you made your hand disappear. Not even I can pull that off."
"Buster, go home." said George Sr. "It was a mistake for you to come. You know you're not up to this race."
"Buster, you can stay." said Michael. "Dad, it's time to stop acting like Buster is still in elementary school! He's a grown man! It's time to treat him like one!"
"Fine, I'll treat him like a grown man when he starts acting like one." said George Sr.
"If he needs help with that, I have a book." said Tobias. "Turns out it wasn't about what I thought it was."
"Maybe he just needs a little confidence booster to help him in that area." said Michael. "Maybe he just needs to prove that he can handle something like this. Maybe that's what it takes to gain your approval. If that's what it takes, so be it."
Everyone heard an odd kind of applause. They turned to Buster to see him clapping with his hand against his wrist.
"Yay." he said.
Michael sat in an armchair as Buster came up behind him and started giving him a shoulder rub.
"As soon as this race is over, Dad," said Michael "you're going to see...AH! OW! YOU'RE KILLING ME, BUSTER! YOU'RE KILLING ME!"
Buster removed his hook from Michael's shoulder and stared at it in horror.
"I did it again!" he screamed. "I'm a monster!"
In Corey's room, his team sat in a circle on the bed.
"Okay, I think we need some kind of strategy." said Corey.
"Strategy? What kind of strategy?" asked Roger.
"Corey, relax." said Tuesday. "We can hold off on strategy a bit."
"Yeah, the pre-race party hasn't even started yet." said Katie.
Corey stared at her confused.
"Just lighten up." said Roger. "We're only doing this as a vacation."
"If you think we need to strategize a vacation, you need help." said Tuesday.
"So, what do you say, Corey?" asked Katie. "Are we going to relax?"
"Yeah, you're right." said Corey. "We can forget strategy. Right now, let's go have the best pre-race party ever."
In their room, Eric's team sat in a circle on their bed. Copious amounts of smoke filled the air.
"This is the best pre-race party ever." laughed Eric.
"Boy, you said it, Forman." said Hyde. "Friends, stuff, circle. Nice."
"Hey, maybe we should invite the other racers." laughed Kelso.
"Aren't there a lot of law enforcement officials taking part?" asked Fez.
"Hey, I was thinking." said Eric. "Why do they call it the Cannonball Run?"
"Maybe the race was first done back in the 1600's and they started it by shooting off a cannon." said Hyde.
"Maybe the participants had to get to the finish before they shot off a cannon at them." said Kelso. "You know, they had to get there before it hit them."
"Maybe someone acquired the nickname 'Cannonball', raced across the country, and the original race was named in his honor." said Fez.
Eric, Hyde, and Kelso all looked at him in confusion.
"Don't everybody talk at once." said Fez.
The Doctor, Amy and Rory walked down the corridor on their way to the pre-race party.
"Rory and I got a great room." Said Amy. "But I hope you don't mind getting a separate one."
"Of course I don't." said the Doctor. "I DO let married people have their own space." He then paused and frowned a bit.
"You're thinking of getting out your policewoman and Roman costumes again, aren't you?" he said.
Amy playfully punched the Doctor on the shoulder. "That's none of your business."
"Anyway, that'll do later. I hope the Cannonball Run party lives up to its reputation." Rory chipped in.
"Yeah, me too." said the Doctor.
"What, do you have very high expectations with regards to parties?" asked Amy.
"Well, you know who used to put on a very good party? Marie Antoinette." Said the Doctor, smiling.
Amy and Rory gave him strange looks.
"Oh, those were the days." He sighed happily.
In the casino, Carl, Tommy, and Claude, who had recently arrived, walked with Woozie.
"As you can see, the room is all set up for the party." said Woozie.
"Nice job, Woozie." said Carl. "I'm willing to bet some of these guys came just for the party, you know?"
"Hey, Woozie." said Tommy. "When does this party start?"
"Momentarily." said Woozie.
Just then, an overweight man with large glasses walked in with a slip of paper. "Uh, uh, excuse me. Excuse me." he mumbled. "My name is Milton Waddams. I'm staying in room 317. I received this slip of paper just now."
"Ah yes." said Woozie. "Welcome to the pre-race party for the Cannonball Run. We sent out an invitation to a non-Cannonballer so that none of the racers would have to face the embarrassment of showing up first to the party."
"Oh, oh, I see." said Milton. "Do I get to stay for the party?"
"Of course, at least until the first couple of teams show up." said Woozie.
Just then, Ethan and Snake entered.
"Hey, Carl." said Ethan. "Nice to see you made it."
"Back again, huh, Tommy?" asked Snake.
"I'm always ready for this." said Tommy.
"Uh, Mr. uh, Mr. Woozie." said Milton. "There's another thing I wish to mention."
Mortimer, Bella, and Bob entered at that point.
"House party!" yelled Bob.
"I had a red stapler in my room." said Milton.
"I wonder if there's a special theme to this party." said Bella.
"I left to go to lunch..." said Milton.
"I think they're saving special themes for the post-race party." said Mortimer.
"...and when I came back, it was gone." said Milton.
"Okay, your services have been fulfilled." said Woozie, ignoring Milton utterly. "You may leave now."
"Yes, but my stapler." said Milton.
"We'll look into that." said Woozie. "Now go."
Milton walked off mumbling to himself. "Fine, I didn't want your help anyway. I could just return to my room. I could ask the maid about my missing stapler and ask for restitution. I could...I could start a fire in my room. I found the gas main."
Frank Martin and Darius entered the lobby of the Four Dragons after they finally got there.
"Just leave the luggage in the car for now." said Darius. "I need a drink."
"I'll pass on that." replied Frank. "Someone needs to keep a clear head for the race."
Coming out of the elevator were Charlie Croker and Stella Bridger, accompanied by Homer and Marge Simpson.
All four of them noticed Frank and looked surprised.
"Rob?" Charlie and Stella said.
"Marcus?" Homer and Marge said at the same time.
"Huh?" all four said as they looked at each other.
"Neither actually." Frank said. "The name's Frank Martin."
"Hey, I heard about you." Homer said. "They say you're one of the best wheelmen in the business."
"I can attest to that." said Darius. "Apart from getting stuck in traffic, the trip here was very professionally handled by my partner here. So, tell me, who are those guys you thought Frank was?".
"Well, we normally have a good wheelman of our own who goes by the name of Handsome Rob." said Charlie. "He couldn't make it to the Cannonball."
"Lucky for some." grumbled Stella as she remembered the condition of her and her team-mates.
"And Marcus Ellenstein is this guy who came in third place in the race two years ago." said Marge. "Just the resemblance is uncanny. Even the voice."
"Well, there's a reason for that." said Frank, with a slight smile. "Marcus and Rob are both distant relations of mine. They're great guys, but you can see why we don't have many family reunions."
"How do you tell each other apart?" asked Stella.
After a short pause, Frank replied "We just do.".
Max and Jake walked into the ballroom. Someone whistled loudly and said "Hey, Max!"
Max turned around and saw Mason and Spike walking in.
"So you guys made it after all." said Max, smiling.
"Why not. It's high time two great road warriors entered the Cannonball." said Mason.
"And as weapons are allowed this year, you can bet I'm gonna put my skills to use again." said Spike.
"So, who's your pal?" asked Mason.
"This is Jake." said Max. "Jake, this is Mason and Spike. They're from the same place as me.".
"Hi, how ya doin'?" said Jake as he shook both their hands.
"So, you any good at the wheel?" asked Spike.
"You have no idea." Jake said smiling.
"Agh! All this goody-goody camaraderie makes me sick." sneered Dick Dastardly as he, Muttley and Skeletor came over.
"Well, not everyone can be a dick, Dick!" said Max. He, Jake, Mason and Spike laughed at that.
Muttley sniggered too.
"Go ahead and laugh." sneered Skeletor. "When we start the race, you'll get to see how we handle fools like you. You haven't got a ghost of a chance!".
He looked at Jake and said "Especially you.".
The three villains left.
"That damn Villains' Society." sighed Max. "The more things change, the more THEY stay the same.".
"Amen, brother." said Mason. "They don't appreciate what a great dimension this is."
"So, you like it here?" asked Jake.
"Absolutely, There's law and order for a start. Clean air. All the little things some people take for granted." said Mason.
"But you know what REALLY makes this world great?" asked Spike.
"What?" asked Max and Jake.
"Cherry slurpies." beamed Spike. The three others looked at him oddly.
Mystery Inc entered the hotel. Most of the gang looked peeved about something.
Eventually, Freddie spoke up.
"Look, I said I was sorry! What more do you want?" he said.
"A bit of common sense would be good." said Daphne. "I mean, what were you thinking: reading a comic book at the wheel when we were all asleep? You nearly made us crash!"
"Reah! Rat rives?" said Scooby.
"I was bored just looking at the road and the radio was stuck on that damn K-Rose station!" said Freddie.
"You could have woke Shaggy up and asked him to fix it." said Velma.
"I was a bit creeped out by him singing Rick James' 'Mary Jane' in his sleep." said Freddie.
"It's not what you think!" protested Shaggy as the group headed on. "I was dreaming about that girl I met when we had to take on Scrappy.".
As the group left the lobby, Buffy Summers and her team entered a few seconds later.
"The Usagi handles well." said Jordan. "But if they make any adjustments at the start, they should help us. Especially as I hear an old friend of Nigel's is a mechanic this year."
"That's great." said Veronica. "Which manufacturer does the guy work for?".
"The NSA." replied Jordan.
"Hey, Buffy." a voice said. Buffy looked and saw Memphis and his team walking over.
"Great to see you guys again." said Buffy. "I heard someone say you, Dom and Jesse split into three teams this year.".
"Correct." smirked Sway. "Be prepared for anything.".
"Hey, Buffs. You know who were just here?" asked the Sphinx. "Mystery Inc.".
"They're back too?" said Buffy. "This should be interesting. I'd love to see Daphne again.".
"I was just gonna say, it's weird how the two of you seem to keep missing each other." said Memphis.
Sometime later, all the Cannonballers had arrived and started to enter the room for the party.
Corey and Eric walked out of two elevators next to each other.
Eric looked to Corey and said "Hiiiiiiiii."
"Yeah, I see you are." said Corey.
Sissy, Chrissy and Missy entered the ballroom disguised in their waitress uniforms.
"Keep your eyes open." Sissy said
"No problem." Said Chrissy, sounding kind of lusty.
Sissy looked and saw her and Missy gazing at Lara and her team, hearts practically appearing in their eyes.
"This is what I get for picking two lesbians to be in my team." Sissy thought angrily to herself. She smacked both girls on the back of the head.
"HEY! Concentrate on the job." She said.
"Sorry." Said Missy. "So what do we do?"
"Just pretend you're waitresses for now." Said Sissy. "I've got a gut feeling that there are probably other people opposed to the race spying on these guys. If they show themselves, we make our deal with them, okay?".
"Right." Chorused Chrissy and Missy.
At Lara's table, Nina Williams looked over the Cannonballers.
"(These guys look like a threat to you?)" she asked Anna in Gaelic.
"(No, I think they'll be easy pickings.)" replied Anna as the members of MASK 2 walked past. "(I don't think any of them will put up a serious fight.)"
"(Well, I'll do my best to surprise you, then.)" said Liam.
Nina and Anna then turned away slightly embarrassed.
Sitting at another table were Ford Fairlane and his team.
Ford snorted as he looked around.
"These assholes rely too much on stuff like that nitrous oxide crap to power their cars. I bet they wouldn't be so tough without it." He said.
"Don't be so quick to judge, Ford." Said Jazz. "You'd be surprised at some of the tricks these Cannonballers have up their sleeves.
"Hey, Morris!" yelled Jay as he approached Don. "How ya doin'?"
Don laughed a little. "Look, I know what you think." He said to Jay. "But I'm not Morris Day. I just look like him."
"Oh, sorry man." Said Jay, a bit deflated. "What do you think of The Time, though?"
"One of the best bands ever." Beamed Don. "Tell me that 'Jerk Out' isn't one of the best funk tunes ever.".
"Well my buddy and I prefer 'Jungle Love' ourselves." Said Jay. "That song was handed down by God herself to the Time.".
AN: remember that in the Askewniverse films, God is female.
"So, are you in the race, pal." Ford asked Jay.
"You bet I am. Hey, you're that rock 'n roll private eye, aren't you?" Jay asked.
"That's right." Ford said.
"Hey, I got a joke for ya." Said Jay. "Hickory dickory dock, this chick was... "
Ford suddenly looked annoyed and extended a warning finger, cutting Jay off.
"Don't do that. I'm not friggin' kidding, okay?" he said.
"Oh." Said Jay. "I was told that you liked jokes like that.".
"I do find other things humorous you know." Ford replied.
"Well, I'll leave you be." Said Jay as he walked away.
Jay joined Silent Bob, and then they both looked around for Brodie.
"Hey, guys. Over here!" Brodie yelled.
The two approached Brodie and saw him talking to two other men of their acquaintance.
"Holy shit!" said the thin guy with the baseball cap. "So you guys actually DID join the race.".
"Well, what did you expect?" asked the bearded guy. "After that movie they have more goddamn money than common sense.".
"Yo Dante! Snootchie bootchies, Randal!" said Jay. "So, I see that our recommendation was taken up."
"That's right." said Randal. "You are now looking at the official pit bosses of the Cannonball Betting Pool."
"Jay and Bob really recommended you guys for the post?" Brodie asked.
"You bet your ass." said Randal. "Sure makes a nice vacation from the Quick Stop.".
"I just wish you could have warned us about how busy it would get." grumbled Dante. "I mean, look over there."
He gestured and they saw that the door to the betting pool was surrounded by high rollers from the casino pounding on it, demanding it be opened.
"Well, it shows you'll be busy." said Jay.
"I know, I know!" said Dante. "But I don't need the hassle. I mean, I'm..."
"Not even supposed to be here today!" chorused Randal, Brodie, Jay and Bob.
"You delight in finding reasons to bitch, don't you, kimosabe." said Randal.
"Think of it this way, Dante." said Brodie. "With the money you'll make from this, Becky and the baby will be very happy".
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Dante said as he smiled. "Okay, let's go open up shop."
Dante and Randal headed towards the betting pool.
Nearby, K.T. and Takumi approached Dominic, Memphis, Brian and Jesse James who were talking.
"Well, chromedome. I see you've come back to race in this yet again." K.T. said.
"Was there ever any doubt?" said Dom. "This is your first Cannonball as far as I know. I wouldn't get overconfident if I were you.".
"HA! This race will be child's play as far as I'm concerned." Said K.T. "Be prepared to taste my dust when it starts.".
"Whatever you say, Katie." Said Jesse.
"What? What did I say?" asked Katie Howard who stood nearby.
"I wasn't talking to you." Said Jesse.
Katie walked away looking confused.
"He ain't the only one you have to worry about, Toretto." said Dice as he and his team walked over.
"Well, if it ain't the guy who stole my title." Dominic said.
"Reality check, pal. YOU stole MY title. When you ran away from L.A. back in '01, you dropped the ball. And I just happened to pick it up." Dice snapped. "Then you return out of the blue and everyone acts like you're goddamn royalty, just because of those stupid movies!"
"And what's your problem with those movies?" asked Dom.
"Well, for a start, they're total BS. When you helped take down that Braga guy in the REAL world, you obviously didn't get 25 to life or you wouldn't be here without every law enforcement official in the civilised world after you!" Dice said.
"He actually has a point, Dom." Memphis said.
"Well maybe they did for the movie because they thought it would be more dramatic." Dom defended.
"Oh yeah, like anyone watches those movies for the drama!" Parfait sarcastically added.
"Well, if you MUST know, I got five years' probation. Which is why I'm avoiding the reporters here.". Dom said.
"Yeah. If his parole officer finds out he's in the Cannonball, she'll kill him." Jesse said.
"That I'd love to see." Dice said.
"So, you're an L.A. racer as well?" Jesse asked Dice.
"You bet your ass." Dice said. "And I intend to tear you guys a new one in this race.".
"We'll see what happens in the race, Dice." said Dom. "The international highways are a lot different from the L.A. blacktop. You should see the way they race in Tokyo.".
"Exactly." said Parfait, agreeing with Dom. "Don't be so quick to assume you'll be victorious, Dice."
"We wish you luck in the Cannonball, Mr. Toretto." said Savo as he saluted. "May the best team win."
"We intend to." replied Dom.
Michael Knight approached the table that Joe Astor and his team were seated at.
Joe smiled. "So, if it isn't the legendary Michael Knight." he said.
"And you must be the guys from Metro City I heard about." said Michael as he took a seat. "I've got to hand it to you guys. Dealing with four major crime waves in one city is quite a thing.".
"I just thank God we were never transferred somewhere like Liberty City or Vice City." said Cole, half-joking. "Or San Andreas for that matter. I mean when you meet crime lords like Tommy Vercetti or Carl Johnson over there and find out that they're really decent guys deep down, it makes you worry about the establishment in places like that.".
"Wasn't there a TV show brought out based on your adventures back in the 80s?" Westlake asked Michael.
"Yeah. It got a bit ridiculous towards the end with the whole convertible thing." sighed Michael.
"I heard that GM brought out a Pontiac that looked like KITT after the big success." Westlake smiled. "I bet Frankie would have loved to have had one.".
"Yeah, I bet. They had to take it off the market when some moron tried to jump a train in one, didn't they?" asked Cole.
"Yeah, Frankie should just stick to his 'Cuda." Joe said.
"A 'Cuda?" asked Michael. "Great to see you guys love the home-grown vehicles.".
"Anyhow, Michael, I'm glad there's no hostility between us." said Cole.
"Of course. I can tell you guys are good sports, unlike those guys I raced against in that alternative fuel race back in '83." said Michael.
"Well, if we had drinks, we'd toast to that, but the service seems a bit below par." said Westlake. "At least from those three waitresses."
He nodded towards Sissy, Chrissy and Missy who struggled to write down their orders at three separate tables.
"So, you bring the famous KITT with you?" asked Joe.
"He's in the garage with the other cars." said Michael. "Just hope he's not getting lonely.".
Michael raised his COM link watch to his mouth.
"Hey, buddy. You okay in there?" he asked.
"I'm perfectly fine, Michael." replied KITT. "I can see there are a lot of lovely cars in this race.".
Michael then heard a horn honk aggressively and then KITT said "Herbie, I'm NOT flirting with your girl. Your jealousy is unbelievable.".
"Herbie?" said Cole. "As in the Herbie that won the El Dorado in '68, the Monte Carlo Grand Prix in '77 and is now big on the NASCAR circuit?".
"That's correct." KITT replied, having heard Cole.
"That was unexpected." said Westlake.
Over at their table, the Muppets conversed with Mickey and Minnie who had come over.
"So, you're using Herbie AND Giselle?" asked Gonzo. "That should be interesting."
"It will indeed." said Mickey. "So, Kermit, what do you think of the fact that Hanna Barbera have joined as well?".
"Well, I think it's good that such a fine bunch of studios are being represented this year." replied Kermit. "I just hope for our sake that there'll not be too much aggressiveness on the road.".
"Why are you worried about that?" asked Minnie.
"Our car belongs to Piggy and she 'suggested' that we bring it back in good condition." replied Fozzie.
"I don't know why you're worried about that." said Mickey. "You know Piggy loves Kermit.".
"Yes, but her temper is more legendary than her love skills." replied Rizzo.
"Well, we have to go now, Good luck, Kermit." said Minnie as the two mice left.
As they went, Rizzo said "Something's always bothered me about the Disney guys."
"Oh, what's that?" asked Kermit.
"Well, Mickey's a mouse, right? And Donald's a duck and Pluto's a dog.". said Rizzo.
"Yeah." said Fozzie.
"so, then, what's Goofy?" asked Rizzo.
There was a brief pause. Fozzie then spoke up. "I think Goofy's a dog.".
"Yeah, definitely a dog." said Kermit.
"He can't be." said Gonzo. "Think about it. Pluto's a dog but he walks on all fours and can't talk. Goofy CAN talk and walk like a human, so there's no way he's a dog.".
There was another brief pause and then Kermit said "Well, does it really matter. I mean we didn't know what Gonzo was for years but it never bothered us.".
"I suppose you have a point there." said Gonzo. "I was glad when I found out there were more like me.".
Sitting at the bar drinking a beer was Priss. she looked down the bar and saw the three Angels and Agent 99 sitting there.
"Hey, Angels." she said. "Good to see you again.".
"Hi Priss." said Dylan. "Have you met Agent 99 here?".
"Great to see ya." said Priss. "First time here?"
"That's right." said 99. "I've heard of your band, the Replicants. It's amazing you haven't got a record deal yet.".
"I tried to get one, but they were looking to screw me over." Priss replied. "Typical of big businesses. So, what are you having?".
99 pondered the question. "I think I'll just have an orange juice.".
Priss looked incensed. "No you damn well won't! You'll have a beer! At least when I offer you will.".
"Look, I appreciate your tough girl image, but suppose we're asked to drive tonight." said 99.
"Oh, can't handle it, huh?" Priss taunted.
99 smirked. "Is that a challenge? I NEVER back down from a challenge. After all, as a secret agent, danger is my business.".
"Let's go then." said Priss as she turned to order the drinks.
Suddenly, a voice came over a PA.
"Ladies and Gentlemen. If you will please turn your attention to the stage. The pre-race address is about to begin.".
"Damn!" said Priss. "Looks like we'll have to wait.".
"We look forward to it." said Alex.
Standing near the stage were Thunder Bob and Toni, both of whom had been hired by Brock Yates as special DJs.
"Alright, people!" called Bob. "Welcome to the beginning of the latest Worldwide Cannonball Run, here at the Four Dragons!".
"Please welcome, the man we all owe so much, the creator of the Cannonball Run, Mr. Brock Yates!" yelled Toni.
The racers all cheered as Brock took the stage and stood at his podium.
"Thank you, thank you." Said Brock. "It gives me great pleasure to welcome you all to the beginning of yet another worldwide Cannonball Run."
Fez strained his eyes to look at him.
"It always fills my heart with joy to see so many people step up to take part." said Brock as Fez watched the ceiling move around. "And I know the great prospect of claiming the prize money fills all of you with joy."
Kelso took in the speech with a goofy look on his face.
"I will not lie to you, people." said Brock as Kelso watched him pick up his head and continue his speech with it in his hands. "This will be dangerous. It has been confirmed that there are people, and I don't just mean the police, out to stop you."
Kelso then watched Brock replace his head on his neck. Hyde just stared at one of the dragon statues behind him.
"Some of you may even get a DNF if you aren't careful." said Brock. "But I know that you can handle yourselves, so I'm confident that this year's Cannonball will be as terrific, if not more so, than the others."
"Wassup?" said the dragon statue to Hyde.
Eric tried to focus on Brock.
"Your vehicles are being prepared right now by our weapons experts." said Brock while Eric watched him morph into Jabba the Hutt. "They will all be ready to kick some serious ass by tomorrow. But for now, as Andrew W.K. said, let's get a party going!"
The Cannonballers cheered.
"Oh, one last thing." said Brock. "We've set up a special set of challenges which will be good news for the stragglers. It is the very first Cannonball Run Puzzle Hunt. In most, but not all, continents the race will take you through, there will be a hidden package containing five million dollars. If you rise to the challenge, you must contact me by cell phone and you will receive a clue. Successfully figuring out this clue will take you to another clue and eventually, the package. Only six teams per package, first come, first serve. Good luck."
Bob and Toni both appeared again.
"Alright, folks. It's time to welcome the band!" said Bob.
"Please welcome The Killers, Moby, Barenaked Ladies, Jimmy Eat World, Linda Moon, Love Fist, LL Cool J, Papa Roach, Bowling For Soup, Franz Ferdinand, Pink, the Bloodhound Gang, Usher and, a former street racer turned Grammy-winning singer, Natasha Martin and her band Moving Violation!"
The Cannonball band took the stage to thunderous applause. "Okay, do we have any requests?" asked Moby.
"How about 'Hyperactive' by Thomas Dolby?" asked Howard T. Duck. "He happens to be a good friend of mine."
"'Hyperactive' it is." said the Killers' Brandon Flowers. "Let's do it, guys!"
The band started to play into the song.
Ooh.
Tell me about your childhood.
At the tender age of three,
I was hooked to a machine,
just to keep my mouth from spouting junk.
Must've took me for a fool,
'cause they chucked me outta school,
'cause the teacher knew I had the funk.
But tonight, I'm on the edge.
Better shut me in the fridge,
'cause I'm burning up. I'm burning up.
With the vision in my brain,
and the music in my veins,
and the dirty rhythm in my blood.
They are messing with my heart.
And they're messing with my heart.
They are messing with my heart.
And they're messing with my...
ripping me apart.
Hyperactive when I was small.
Hyperactive now I'm grown.
Hyperactive and the night is young.
The Cannonballers danced to the song. David and Elizabeth danced together.
"Boy, I wish they could see you dancing." said David.
"Watch me." said Elizabeth. She turned and walked towards Velma.
"And then I told Shaggy 'There's no such thing as ghosts.'" said Velma. Just then, Elizabeth stepped into her and possessed her. She continued to dance, only with Velma's body.
And they're messing with my heart.
So how long have you been having these delusions?
And they're messing with my heart.
Please tell me more about your mother.
Ripping, ripping, ripping, ripping,
ripping me apart.
Semaphore out on the floor.
Messages from outer space.
Deep heat for the feet.
Rhythm of your heartbeat.
'Cause the music of the streets,
it isn't any rap attack.
Isn't any rap attack.
Rap a...
rap a...
rap a...
rap attack.
I can reach into your homes,
like an itch in your headphones.
You can't turn it up.
I'm the shape in your back room.
I'm the breather on the phone.
And I'm burning up.
But there's one thing I must say,
before they lock me up again:
you'd be safer at the back,
when I'm having an attack.
Hyperactive when I was small.
Hyperactive now I'm grown.
Hyperactive as the day is long.
Hyperactive in my bones.
Hyperactive in your phones.
Hyperactive and the night is young.
Hyperactive when I was small.
Hyperactive now I'm grown.
Hyperactive 'til I'm dead and gone.
Stand up hyperactivate.
Get up hyperactivate.
Wise up hyperactivate.
Stand up hyperactivate.
Europe hyperactivate.
South Bronx hyperactivate.
London hyperactivate.
-"Hyperactive" by Thomas Dolby.
Elizabeth vacated Velma's body when the song ended.
"Well, that was weird." said Velma.
"You were dancing excellently." David said to Elizabeth as she returned to his side.
"Yes, you certainly were." Said Jake Kesey as he approached.
Both David and Elizabeth looked confused.
"Are you talking to me?" Elizabeth asked, waving her hand in front of Jake's face to see if he could really see her.
"Absolutely." replied Jake. He then turned to David and said "You've got yourself quite a girl there, mister."
"Are you a psychic or something?" David asked.
"Yeah, something like that." Jake replied as he headed back to the table he and Max sat.
Standing in front of a camera in the ballroom were the four reporters who were to cover the Cannonball.
"Well, that's got the party started with a bang." Announced Ron Burgundy. "And by this time tomorrow, the race will have started."
"The atmosphere is certainly electric." Said Veronica Corningstone. "That speech by Mr. Yates has got the racers all fired up."
"It's great to be back covering the Cannonball." Said Misty. "I'm just as excited as the racers are. Don't you agree, Lazlow?".
Lazlow smiled and replied "Yeah, I certainly do. And the party will get better as the night goes on. So stay tuned to see what treats we have in store!"
"Excuse me!" Giovanni called over to Sissy, who served Jack Colton's team with drinks. "We're ready to order!"
"In a minute, sir." Sissy said through clenched teeth.
"In a minute my ass!" said Jessie. "We've been trying to get your attention for ten minutes so far."
Chrissy went over to the Rockets' table to take their orders, while Sissy served the Viper guys with drinks.
"Okay, here you go." she said. "A tequila on the rocks with lime, a beer, and a club soda and lime?"
She turned away and faced the NUMA team's table. "Those are OUR drinks." said Pitt.
"Sorry about the confusion." said Sissy. "I don't suppose you could do me a favor and..."
The two teams got up and traded tables.
"Thank you." she said. She returned to the bar and passed Missy. "Any luck?" Sissy asked.
"Not so far. Unless you count getting my orders right as lucky." Missy replied.
"Shut up!" said Sissy.
"And so, the Bluths attended the party preceding the Cannonball Run."
Michael, Buster, and Tobias walked up to Clutch and Shipwreck from the G.I. Joe team.
"Hi." said Michael. "Michael Bluth, from the Bluth Company."
"Hey, guys." said Buster.
"How ARE you?" asked Tobias.
"Nice to meet you guys." said Clutch. "I'm Sergeant Lance Steinberg and this is Chief Petty Officer Hector Delgado."
"Oh, did you hear that, Buster?" asked Michael. "These guys are also in the Army."
"No, he's in the Army." said Shipwreck. "I'm a Navy SEAL."
Buster let out a scream, then composed himself. "Oh, you mean that kind of seal." he said.
"Did you guys serve in Iraq?" asked Tobias.
"No, we're actually part of a special unit tasked with keeping watch on a particular group." said Clutch. "It's just us, some top brass, numerous highly trained specialists, and about a hundred of the toughest guys to bear the rank of private."
"I wouldn't mind seeing these privates of yours." said Tobias.
Clutch and Shipwreck gave him an odd look and left.
"Meanwhile, George Sr. and Gob watched the party coverage on television."
"Be sure to stay tuned." announced Veronica. "Coming up, we have exotic dancer Mango and the magic stylings of Penn and Teller."
Gob scoffed. "Penn and Teller."
"How can you not like Penn and Teller?" asked George. "You're a magician like them."
"I know, but I should be performing there." said Gob. "I know I've screwed up a few, but I did put on a hell of a show up in the Catskills last week."
(flashback)
Footage not found.
(end flashback)
"Besides, these guys always show how their illusions are done." continued Gob. "That's the number one thing that'll get you kicked out of the Magicians' Alliance. They'd be out just like that."
He snapped his fingers and a dozen doves flew out of his suitcase.
"And then, it was revealed that Gob was planning on doing a trick after all."
"No, guys!" yelled Gob. "Back in the bag! It's not time!"
"Gob, why did you bring your doves?" asked George. "Were you going to do a trick?"
"ILLUSION, Dad! I was going to do an ILLUSION!" said Gob. "Get back in the bag! Dad, don't shoo them!"
"It landed on my pillow!" yelled George.
"Don't go through that door!" yelled Gob. "It's not open!"
BAM!
"Come on!"
In the garage, a respectable looking man walked amidst the cars the Cannonballers were preparing to race. He encountered an African-American woman.
"Well, Lola." said the man, NSA weapons specialist Toby Lee Shavers. "I see your talents were called upon as well."
"Since they called you in, it looks like our task involves weapons." said the woman, car customizer Lola Jackson.
"Wasn't there supposed to be another member of our group?" asked Toby.
"He's supposed to be here already." said Lola. "Where is he?"
"Could you guys please shut up?" asked a man with a Texas accent who was wearing coveralls. He was lying under the Licorne. "I'm trying to get some sleep."
"Are you our third mechanic?" asked Toby. If you are, you should know it s not safe to lie there.
"I might as well stay up I guess." said the man. He climbed out from under the Licorne and tripped over his crawler. After picking himself up, he said "I guess we're going to be working together. My name's Skeeter."
"Do you know anything about installing weapons in a vehicle?" asked Lola.
"Sure do." said Skeeter. "Did it for many years while working with the AVG, the Auto-Vigilante Guild."
"They ever work with Charlie Croker?"
They turned to see a tough-looking man approaching. "I heard he's in the race with his crew." he said. "I helped him out with some mod work when they did the L.A. Job. They call me Wrench."
"Welcome to the party." said Toby. "Are you ready to get to work?"
"I always am." said Wrench. "So, are we going to do this?"
"Yeah, let's do this." said Lola." Toby, you're working with me since we have experience together."
"So, that means you two are working together." said Toby.
"Where are our last two?" asked Skeeter.
"Here we are." said Julian Wilkes as he and Frankie entered the garage.
"We've already decided we're working together." said Frankie.
"Well, there you go." said Lola
"Come on, hermano." said Wrench to Skeeter. "We got some cars to work on."
"I'm on it." said Skeeter.
As the mechanics went about their work, Lone Wolf and Hardtop entered.
"So, you say your vehicle is good to go?" asked Hardtop.
"That's right. I know you're a big vehicle expert, so I just wanted your opinion as we'll be working together.".
Both men walked over to the Silver Bullet.
Hardtop let out a whistle and then said "Now that is what I call a mean machine!".
"Glad it gets your approval.". said Lone Wolf. "I also made sure that it has a race built transmission to handle all the power.".
"We should enter the race ourselves with this!" said Hardtop.
"I appreciate your enthusiasm." said Lone Wolf. "But the racers need protection.".
"I know. I was just complimenting your customisation skills." said Hardtop.
"So, you ready for this?" asked Lone Wolf.
Hardtop smiled and said "Fuelled and firing!".
"Good to know." a voice said. Lone Wolf and Hardtop turned around to see Corvax leaning into the drivers' seat of the Starlight.
"I know the party's on but I just wanted to get rid of that Winger CD before Beavis and Butthead see it." he explained.
"I'm glad that you appreciate our efforts, Corvax." Lone Wolf said.
"Of course I do. Even if there's a lame-o superhero like Meteor Man on the protection squad." Corvax snorted.
"Ahem!" a stern voice said. Corvax turned around and saw Meteor Man and the other protectors had entered as well.
Meteor Man was giving him a stern look.
"Well, I mean a superhero who's scared of heights! Come on!" Corvax defended.
"I got over that ages ago." Meteor Man said. "Besides you may have to count on this 'lame-o' to pull your fat out of the fire.".
"Okay! My bad! I'm sorry!" Corvax said. "Here, I'll get going.".
He took out the CD and threw it in a trash can and then promptly exited.
"Don't mind Corvax, Jeff." Dudley said. "He's just another case of too much money and not enough sense.".
"So, you guys here for your vehicles?" asked Hardtop.
"Yeah. My family and I get the V8 Ghost." said Mr. Incredible as he pointed to a white Lotus Esprit.
"And the Impossibles and I get the Murmur." said Dudley as he pointed out a green '55 Chevy Two-Ten.
"We named it after our favourite REM album." Coil Man explained.
"Jeff, me and my sisters are just gonna take to the air." Blossom said. "BF, Dynomutt and Batgirl are staying behind for now in case someone tries to heist the prize money.".
"Okay. Then it looks like we're ready to kick ass." said Lone Wolf. "I guess we can relax for a while and enjoy the party.
Back out in the ballroom, many members of the band started to place their bets.
Meanwhile, Fearless Leader, Boris and Natasha ran a little betting pool of their own.
"Come on up here and place your bets." said Fearless Leader. "We can give you quicker results and better odds."
"Yes, how would you like to bet?" asked Boris.
"I'd like to wager two hundred on the Bonfire." said Memphis. "Third to leave North America."
"Place your money in the hat." said Natasha as she presented Boris' hat. Memphis dropped the cash in the hat and walked away.
"How is this scam supposed to work?" asked Boris.
"We take their wagers, then try to make sure that none of their choices come to fruition." said Fearless Leader.
"A wonderful plan." said Natasha.
Tommy, Carl, and Claude walked up to them.
"Ah, yes." said Fearless Leader. "How would you like to..."
Before he could finish his question, Tommy grabbed him behind his head and punched him in the stomach. Carl then grabbed Boris by the shoulders and kneed him in the groin. Claude simply took the hat from Natasha and they walked away.
Lara and her team walked amongst the crowd.
"Do you think we have a chance against these guys this year?" asked Joanna.
"I think we definitely have a chance." said Lara.
"We always have a chance."
Lara and her team-mates turned to see two more women, one redhead, one brunette, wearing jumpsuits like theirs, the redhead in yellow and the brunette in white.
"Of course, we should know." said the redhead. "We're continuing the legacy of those who won the race way back in '81."
"Oh my goodness." said Lara. "It's Gloria Baker and April O'Neil themselves."
"You took part in the '87 Cannonball." said Joanna.
"Indeed yes." said April.
"Don't tell me we're competing with you as well." said Nina.
"Nothing like that." said Gloria. "We just came to see what our successors were up to this year."
"We also came to wish you girls luck." said April.
"Why, thank you." said Anna.
"Things have come a long way since we last raced." said Gloria.
"Yeah, I see you guys have been using weapons, gadgetry, and martial arts in the past few races." said April.
"That's no different this year." said Lara as she drew her pistols. Joanna took out a Camspy. Nina and Anna struck defensive stances.
"You may be a little overqualified." said Gloria. "Just don't forget your secret weapon."
"How can we forget?" asked Joanna. "The other racers have been staring at them all night."
"We're going to show our support by placing a bet." said April. "Guess who it's on."
"Like we need any more pressure." said Anna.
April and Gloria walked over to the Betting Pool.
"Thank God it's now a bit more quiet." said Dante, as things had now calmed down now that many people had placed bets.
Randal nudged Dante and drew his attention to April and Gloria.
Dante smiled and thought to himself "This job DOES have perks after all.".
"How may I help you?" asked Dante out loud.
"We'd like to place one million dollars on the Vulcano." said Gloria.
"Can you provide the cash?" asked Randal.
"Right here." said April. She unzipped her jumpsuit and took out a wad of cash. "One mil, ready to go."
Dante instead stared at her cleavage.
"Uh, the cash." said Gloria.
Randal slapped Dante in the back of the head.
"Ah, yes. Thank you." said Dante as he took the cash.
"No problem." April replied as she zipped her suit up again.
As she and Gloria walked away, Gloria said "I think you should keep your wallet in one of your pockets from now on.".
Oh..right. said April as she realised what she had just done.
She then smiled and said But at least that shows I still have it after twenty years. .
Jordan and Veronica both talked to Frank Castle.
"Nice to see two fellow crime fighters in this race." said Frank.
"Yeah. I heard you were in the race two years ago. I was glad to hear there were no fatalities, though." said Jordan.
"Hey, I do leave some people alive you know." Frank protested. "Besides, I thought you would sympathise because of what happened when you were a kid.".
"I DO sympathise with the loss of your family, but I just wish you could sometimes be content with just scaring the bad guys a little bit. But I was glad you took out that guy Jigsaw.".
"Anyhow, Frank, we wish you luck in the Cannonball." said Veronica.
"You going to give me a run for my money?" asked Frank.
"Maybe, maybe not." said Veronica. "Although winning the money will be a bonus, we have to find someone during the race.".
"Where's Buffy got to?" asked Frank. "wasn't she with you?".
"I think she went to find Daphne from Mystery Inc." said Jordan.
Eric and his friends sat at a table with Corey and his friends.
"It's nice to see you're in this as well." said Eric.
"Hey, it looks like fun." said Corey. "You just try to keep me away."
David, Darryl, and Elizabeth walked by as Katie was returning to the table.
"Oh, excuse me." said Katie.
David turned to Elizabeth and said "Hey, she kinda looks like you."
Katie promptly slapped him and walked away.
"What was that for?" asked David.
"She thought you were talking to Darryl." said Elizabeth.
David walked away slightly embarrassed.
"You probably shouldn't be that upset at his comment, Katie." said Eric. "He was probably talking to someone who exists in his mind only."
"What do you mean?" asked Roger.
"That guy is David Abbott." said Eric. "A few months ago, his wife died of a cerebral haemorrhage. He moved into a new apartment sometime later because the place they shared reminded him too much of her. However, after he moved in, he was reportedly haunted by the ghost of his dead wife. They have now built up a friendship and he talks to her as if she's really there."
"Oh, that is so romantic." Said Tuesday.
"Yeah, love surviving death into eternity." said Kelso.
"Personally, I think he's nuts." said Eric. "Basically, I'm going to humor him so that he might spare me in case he snaps."
"You look confused, Forman." Said Hyde.
"There's something about the story I can't quite figure out." said Eric. "He addresses his spirit companion as 'Elizabeth', but his dead wife's name was 'Laura'."
"I'll bet Phil and April will be glad if we bring back the prize." said Tony Hawk to Bam at their table. "I'm still surprised they let you get away with all the weird and crazy shit you do.".
"Well what can I say? I was born with understanding parents." beamed Bam.
"So, Torquenstein, do you think your cybernetics will give us an advantage? Like give you faster reflexes or that kind of thing?" asked Tony.
"Hard to say at times." replied Torquenstein. "You see, there's still a bit of human weakness because I'm only part-cybernetic. Different cyborg parts of me were created and added at different times, and therefore have different dates of birth and star signs than the rest of me.".
"Oh?" said Tony.
"For instance, my right forearm is Aries, my left hand is Pisces, my right eye is Leo and my left leg is Virgo."
There was a brief pause and Torquenstein then said "So, what do you think?".
"I think you're talking a load of Taurus." said Bam in a deadpan voice.
"Hey, looks like the show's about to begin." said Tony as the Cannonballers turned their attention to the stage.
On the stage in the casino, a derelict El Camino and a Swedish Stridsvagn tank were parked. The rescue tool known as the Jaws of Life sat next to the microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the Cannonball," announced Toni "I hope you're enjoying the party. Right now, we have a major performance for you. Please give a warm welcome to...Penn and Teller!"
The crowd erupted into applause as the two magicians walked onstage.
"How did these guys become popular?" asked Jay. "Who'd want to watch a pair of guys where one just says crazy shit while the other says nothing at all?"
Then, he and Silent Bob looked into the camera.
"Greetings, Cannonballers." said Penn Jillette, the taller, bespectacled half of the magician duo. "Tonight, we will be giving you a proper send-off on your journey with an incredible trick."
"Illusion!" yelled Gob in the hotel room.
Back on stage, Penn continued. "However, this trick is somewhat complicated and we will be needing the assistance of a volunteer. Are you ready to pick a volunteer?"
Teller, Penn's shorter, curly haired, and always silent assistant nodded.
"Okay, who's willing to step up?" asked Penn.
"I will." said Tobias Funke.
"Then come on up here." said Penn.
Tobias made his way through the crowd and found his way onto the stage.
"So, what's your name, brave one?" asked Penn.
"Tobias Funke from Team Bluth."
"And what is it you do for a living?" asked Penn.
"I used to be a psychiatrist." said Tobias. "Right now, I'm working on an acting career."
"Have you ever played a villain?" asked Penn. "You seem to have a villainous quality about you."
"No, my career hasn't reached that echelon yet." said Tobias. "Although, I wouldn't mind playing the kind of guy who rubs the hero the wrong way and rides him throughout the movie before he gets it in the end."
"Tell me he didn't just say that." moaned Michael.
"He did."
"So, are you ready to be a part of the Cannonball edition of our show?" asked Penn.
"Yes." said Tobias. "What do I have to do?"
"Okay, this is what we do." said Penn. "First, Teller gets ready to perform the trick."
Teller gave a thumbs-up.
"Meanwhile, you will be contributing a personal possession to be held by Teller as he performs the trick." said Penn. "I think this will do nicely."
Penn quickly grabbed Tobias' slacks and ripped them off, revealing a pair of cut-off jean shorts underneath. The audience cheered while Tobias looked embarrassed.
"What was lost on the audience was the fact that Tobias was a nevernude, which is exactly what it sounds like. Thinking the cut-offs were part of the show, the audience applauded anyway."
"So, how does it feel to be a part of the show?" asked Penn as he handed Tobias' pants to Teller.
Tobias walked up to the microphone close enough to hide his mouth behind it. "I feel like a (bleep)ing idiot." he said.
"Okay, here's what's going to happen." said Penn. "As anyone who speaks Spanish knows, El Camino means 'the road.' But tonight, this El Camino will be the road for this Stridsvagn tank. Normally, this would be harmless fun, but for this performance, Teller will be behind the wheel. Let's go."
Teller opened the door to the El Camino and climbed in.
"Oh, Teller." said Penn. "Make sure you have your seatbelt on. Safety first."
Teller nodded and closed the door. Penn climbed into the tank and started the engine. He then used the hydraulics to raise the front end.
"Check it out." said Jesse James. "It's a low-rider tank."
Penn then put the tank in motion and drove towards the El Camino. He drove up onto the hood of the El Camino and crushed it underneath the treads. He kept going over the roof of the vehicle and on to the pickup bed. After driving over the vehicle, it was smashed flat.
He climbed out and ran over to the El Camino. "Okay, let's check to see if Teller is alright." he said. He tried to open the door, but it was stuck shut. "Seems to be wedged shut. Could someone give me the Jaws of Life?"
Teller walked out from behind the tank, picked up the Jaws of Life, and handed them to Penn.
"Thank you." said Penn.
As Penn stuck the Jaws of Life into the El Camino's window, Teller walked back behind the tank. Penn used the Jaws to widen the smashed-shut window. He then used the Jaws to pry open the door. After he got it open, Teller crawled out and dusted himself off.
"He's alive!" yelled Penn. "Not a scratch on him! How did he do it?"
Teller just shook his head.
"Maybe he's invincible." said Penn. "Maybe he can regenerate himself. Or...maybe he crawled through this little tunnel in the floor of the El Camino when the tank ran over it."
He pointed to a tunnel opening under the floor of the car, then reached in and pulled something out.
"Of course, that would explain why..." said Penn "...Mr. Funke's pants are down here."
He took the pants and handed them back to Tobias who snatched them away and stormed off the stage.
"What an asshole." said Teller.
"Hey, you CAN talk!" said Penn.
The audience burst into applause.
"Thank you very much." said Penn. "You were a terrific audience. I hope you all win the race."
The Joe team returned to their table, as Missy had finished leaving their drinks in their places.
Missy walked over to join Sissy and Chrissy. As she reached them, Sissy nodded over to the Joes' table.
"Thank God we don't work here or we'd have been fired." she said.
"What do you mean?" asked Missy
"You got those army guys' orders all wrong." said Chrissy.
Missy turned around and saw all the Joes swapping their drinks around.
"No wonder they didn't leave a tip." said Missy.
"Hell of a party, huh?" asked Ty.
"Sure is." said Trikz. "Hey, isn't that Lidell Rey?"
"Where?" asked Ty.
"He's by the slot machines, but don't look." said Trikz.
Ty looked. Lidell spotted him.
"I said 'Don't look'!" said Trikz.
"Let's see what he's up to." said Ty.
They snuck towards Lidell's position, but the former street racing kingpin saw them and took off for the stage.
Onstage was Toni. "Okay, people." she said. "We've got a very special guest performer for you. Special because this will be his last performance before his forthcoming Asian tour. So, give a warm welcome to the one...the only...Mango!"
The crowd cheered as a short and slightly effeminate man in gold lame shorts and a feathered boa stepped out on stage.
Ron Burgundy looked a bit surprised when he saw him. "I think a friend of mine has a brother who looks a lot like that guy."
"Hello, Cannonballers!" Mango said. "Are you ready for the Mango?"
The crowd cheered again.
"Okay, cue the Prince." said Mango.
Offstage, Thunder Bob slid a CD into his player and the song started with Prince's speech.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.
Electric word life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time.
But I'm here to tell you there's something else: the afterworld.
A world of never-ending happiness.
You can always see the sun, day or night.
So, when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills.
You know the one, Dr. Everything'll Be Alright.
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left,
ask him how much of your mind, baby.
'Cause in this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.
In this life, you're on your own.
The music started.
And if the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy. Punch a higher floor.
Mango started to dance as the music picked up.
If you don't like,
the world we're living in,
take a look around you.
At least you got friends.
You see I called my old lady,
for a friendly word.
She picks up the phone, drops it on the floor.
(Sex, sex) is all I heard.
Are we gonna let the elevator bring us down?
Oh no, let's go!
Let's go crazy.
Let's get nuts.
Let's look for the purple banana,
'til they put us in the truck.
Let's go!
We're all excited,
but we don't know why.
Maybe it's 'cause,
we're all gonna die.
And when we do, (And when we do)
what's it all for? (What's it all for?)
You better live now,
before the Grim Reaper come knocking on your door.
Tell me.
Are we gonna let the elevator bring us down?
Oh no, let's go.
Let's go crazy.
Let's get nuts.
Let's look for the purple banana,
'til they put us in the truck.
Let's go.
Come on, baby.
Let's get nuts.
Yeah.
Crazy.
Lidell saw his opportunity to escape and snuck up onstage. He tried to sneak past Mango, but Mango took off his boa and looped it around Lidell's neck.
Let's go crazy.
Every time Lidell tried to escape, Mango just pulled him back.
"Tell me I'm not seeing this." said Janice as she and Alice watched from backstage.
Are we gonna let the elevator bring us down?
Oh no, let's go.
Go crazy.
I said let's go crazy. (Go crazy.)
Let's go, Let's go.
Go.
Let's go.
Dr. Everything'll Be Alright,
will make everything go wrong.
Pills and thrills and dafodills will kill.
Hang tough, children.
He's coming.
He's coming.
Coming.
Take me away!
-"Let's Go Crazy" by Prince.
Mango turned to his dance partner and gave him a quick poke on the nose. Lidell just stared at him spellbound.
The Foyts dragged him offstage. "That's a first." said Alice.
"Mango..." muttered Lidell.
In the garage, Toby, Lola, and Skeeter worked on installing a flamethrower in the Vulcano.
"Are the controls hooked up yet?" asked Toby.
"Just about." said Lola. "Skeeter, how's the exhaust for the flamethrower looking?"
"Looks clear to me." said Skeeter. "Turn that bad boy on and someone won't hurt you anymore."
"I think we should do a test fire." said Lola.
"Me too." said Toby. "In all my years of working for the NSA, I've always known it's best to find out if something doesn't work in here rather than out there."
"Okay, we'll do that." said Lola. "Skeeter, get clear. We're testing the flamethrower."
"Got it." said Skeeter. He started to walk away, then spotted a bottlecap on the ground. "Hey, I don't have this one." he said.
Skeeter bent down to pick up the bottlecap. The flamethrower went off and shot over his head.
Toby looked at the blast and saw Skeeter underneath it. "Turn it off!" he yelled.
Lola turned off the flamethrower and Skeeter stood up with his cap on fire.
"Skeeter, are you alright?" asked Lola.
"Yeah, I'm fine." said Skeeter. "Hey, something's burning." He looked up and saw his flaming cap. "Oh no." he muttered. "It's me."
Lidell staggered away from the Foyts looking embarrassed.
"For God's sake! This is stupid!" yelled Alice.
"Obviously, gathering intel is not what these guys Big Boss hired are good at!" Janice said.
"Who needs intel? All I want to do is stop this damn race." Alice said. "Wait here. I'll be back in a minute. I have to go to the Tygrus to get something."
"Alright, people." said Thunder Bob on stage. "Right now, I'm going to get an interview with Natasha Martin, who as you may remember, participated in last year's Cannonball, and has just achieved her first Grammy win this year."
As the band got ready to begin their interview, Alice Foyt re-entered the ballroom, carrying a large crowbar.
"What's that for?" Janice asked.
"To make our presence felt, darling!" Alice replied.
As the Cannonballers and the crowd cheered when Natasha took the stage, Alice Foyt suddenly raised the crowbar and smashed the glass of a nearby pinball machine. The sound attracted the attention of the racers, all of whom turned to see Alice and Janice standing near the entrance.
"Just typical of you people!" Alice sneered. "You have a party just before you set off across the world to violate just about every vehicular law there is. You make me sick!"
"And me too!" said Janice. "We just spent time in prison when YOU LOT should have been the ones behind bars! You're SCUM! Every last rat bastard one of you!"
"You think you're immune just because of that bullshit mandate that borderline retard we call our President always makes. Well, you're not immune from us!" Alice added.
"So you two are back again." said Lara.
"You know these two?" Ford Fairlane asked.
"Yes." said Lara. "It's Alice and Janice...uh.."
"FOYT!" both Foyts chorused.
"Didn't your mothers teach you to remember people's names?" said Janice.
"Well, lady, YOUR mother there obviously didn't teach you the right way to stop the Cannonball if your actions last year are anything to judge by." CJ said.
"Only because she doesn't know either!" said Mad Max, laughing.
"Sons of bitches!" yelled Janice as Alice restrained her. "You'll get yours during that damn race! I've a good mind to take you all out now!"
"Janice, darling, calm down. We'll give them their dues soon enough. There's no need to go off half-cocked!" Alice said.
"I don't care, I'm gonna..."
"SGT. FOYT! ATTEN-SHUN!" yelled Alice, drill sergeant style.
Janice immediately stood to attention. Alice turned back to face the Cannonballers.
"See what good a little discipline can do?" She said. "We just stopped by to let you guys know that you'll have us to deal with again this year. And this time, we've got a lot more support! I advise you all to enjoy this party because once you start the race, you'll be in the deepest trouble you've ever been in."
"Hey, lady. We can handle ourselves." said Homer. "We've always come out on top before."
"Well, we'll just see what we will see." said Alice. "With the allies we've made this year, we should be victorious."
"Aligned yourself with the underworld again, Alice?" asked Tanner. "Surely an upstanding citizen like you must be sickened by having to do that all the time."
"It's worth it to get back at people like you, Tanner. You back-stabbing son of a bitch!" Alice yelled.
"You're great at making friends, Tanner. You know that?" said Tobias.
Woozie entered the ballroom with two security guards. "It's alright, people." said Woozie. "These two were just about to leave."
The security guards began to usher the Foyts out.
"Make sure they pay for the pinball machine." Tommy yelled.
"Now, for a little drink." said Howard as he turned to try and draw Sissy's attention.
Sissy just nodded to Chrissy and Missy and gestured for them to follow her out of the ballroom.
"Excuse me?" Howard yelled. The girls ignored him as they followed the security people out. "It's because I'm a duck, isn't it?" Howard said angrily.
Outside...
As the two Foyts headed towards their car, Sissy and her accomplices ran up to them.
"Excuse us! Ms. Foyt!" said Sissy.
"Yes?" said both Alice and Janice as they turned around.
"We understand that you have plans to stop the race." said Chrissy. "Well, we want to help."
"Are you serious?" both Foyts chorused.
"Absolutely." said Sissy. "We owe one team in the race some MAJOR payback. And we figure that by helping you to make sure they don't end up with that $500 million is a perfect way to stick it to them.".
"Ah, you have a great motivation." said Alice. "Do you have a vehicle?".
"Only a stolen police cruiser, which probably has an APB out about it now. said Chrissy.
"Well, then." said Janice as she took out a piece of paper. "Head to this address ASAP. Some more of our people are meeting with our employer there."
He's helping prepare anti-Cannonball vehicles. We re sure he can dig up a set of suitable wheels for you. said Alice.
"Thanks. You can count on us!" said Sissy as she and her cohorts headed for their purloined squad car.
Back inside...
"Anyway, now that that's over with, let's get on with our interview with Ms. Martin." said Toni as she approached Natasha onstage. "Now, then..."
Suddenly, Toni was interrupted by a loud honk.
Everyone turned and saw that the revolting and offensive Yucko The Clown had entered the ballroom.
"HIYA, LOSERS!" he yelled at the top of his voice. "I'm Yucko The Clown and I'm here at the beginning of the Cannonball! Ah, who gives a flying (bleep)?".
Marge Simpson gasped in horror at his language.
"Seriously, though, this race should be made part of the Special Olympics...'cause you guys are a bunch of complete freaking' retards!" Yucko yelled as he honked his horn again.
"Hey, pal." said Priss as she came over. "I think you should just..."
Yucko turned to face Priss and took in her rather tomboyish biker look.
"Whoa! This I didn't expect." he said. "I heard the Dixie Chicks were in town, but it looks like I found a chick with a dick instead!". He then laughed obnoxiously.
"Hey, shut up, jerk!" Homer yelled over.
"Well if it ain't Homo Simpson!" Yucko said. "I see you're eating Italian there. Ya leave any food in Italy, ya pudgy bastard?".
Homer growled.
"Seriously, though. I think your wife needs her eyes examined if she thinks you're a looker!" Yucko continued. "Hey, Marge, wanna make twenty bucks the hard way?".
Marge jumped up out of her seat. Mack and Nick came over and restrained her while Casey went right over to Yucko.
"I think you may want to try being a bit less 'funny', pal." Casey said.
"Ooooh! A Power Ranger!" Yucko said sarcastically. "Why don't you jack-offs go back to fighting those lame-ass Godzilla rejects? And your Kung Fu, chop suey, I don't know what crap is useless!".
"Stand aside. I'll handle this." said Misty as she headed over to Yucko.
"OH, hey little girl!" said Yucko. "Your mom know you're out this late? Ain't you one of those Poke-thingy trainers?".
"Yes, I am!" Misty said firmly.
"There's a poke-thing called a Lickylicky, right?" asked Yucko. "How'd you like to 'licky licky' my butthole, sweetheart?".
Misty suddenly swung her foot up and kicked Yucko in the groin. As he groaned, Misty pulled out her trusty mallet and delivered a blow to his head, knocking him out.
Jessie cheered, despite her normal hatred of Misty. "You go, girl!" she cheered.
"Thank you very much." said Misty as she smoothed her eyebrows over. She then put her mallet away.
"Gallagher's got nothing on you, Misty." Ron said, amazed.
The Impossibles came over and escorted the unconscious Yucko out of the ballroom.
"How did that asshole get in here?" asked Natasha onstage.
"I don't know, but hopefully now, this interview should go off without a hitch." said Thunder Bob.
"Well, to be fair, all I really wanted to say was that I'm glad to see my old gal pal Lara back this year." said Natasha as she waved to Lara in the crowd. "I hope you can do what we did last year and claim the big prize! Good luck to you!".
"Thanks." Lara called out. "And you have good luck with the new album!".
A short time later, Shrek and Brodie had managed to get to talk to each other.
"So, then. You're Captain Chaos this year?" Shrek asked.
"Yep, and I see that you're Captain Fury." said Brodie.
"It'll be nothing personal, but I DO intend to walk away as a victor this year." said Shrek. "But, if needed, we WILL fight for the forces of good."
He then paused and said "I sounded like something out of a cheesy cartoon there, didn't I?"
"I wouldn't worry." said Brodie. "My intentions are the same.".
J.J. and Victor approached them.
"Hey guys, I know you've both been training with the masks and the cars for the last few months." said Victor. "But J.J. and I just want to see how boned-up you are."
"Yeah, so Brock and the management devised a series of tests for both of you." said J.J.
"Tonight?" asked Brodie.
"Yeah, tonight." said Victor. "So just follow us, and bring your car keys.".
"Won't the other racers miss us?" asked Brodie.
"Nah, it's okay. They're busy right now making final adjustments to the cars." said J.J.
"I'll just let Fiona know." said Shrek.
In the garage...
"Right now, the Cannonballers are making some adjustments to their cars." announced Ron. "On top of that, some, with the help of custom king Chip Foose's advice, are even customizing them. What are they doing exactly? Let's go over to Chip now."
"Thank you, Ron." said Chip as he stood next to the Ecureil which was in preparation for modification. "We're here with Team Midnight Club who are now tricking out their car, the Ecureil. Taking a look at this stage, it's hard to tell what they're doing with it. It looks like we're going to have to ask one of the team." He walked up to Dice and said "Dice, you're easily one of the most seasoned street racers in Los Angeles. Can you tell us what you're planning with the car?"
"Certainly, Chip." said Dice.
He pointed to the cardboard taped to the windows and said "As you can see here, we put cardboard over the windows to improve aerodynamics. This way, the air will flow over them more easily. We can also take a look inside." He tried to open the door, but it wouldn't open. "Oh, the doors are already taped shut. But If you'll just come to the window." He led Chip to the rear window. "You can see we've completely stripped the interior. No seats, no audio cause that's the style these days."
He then pointed to the bare hubs. "And we're also going to put on new wheels." he said. "I believe we're got them...right here." He grabbed one of the large off-road tires going onto the Comrade. "Yeah, what we're going to do is pop these on and we're not going to jack it up or anything. What we're going to do is cut out this wheel well here." He ran his hand over the fender about four inches from the wheel well. "That way, we should have off-road capability and on-road speed."
"Yeah, I can just imagine that now." said Chip. "Back to you, Ron."
Mortimer, Bella, and Bob worked on the Wisdom.
"My question is 'do we have enough ice for this juice'?" asked Mortimer.
"Plenty." said Bella.
Just then, a pair of delivery men walked up with a large package.
"Excuse me, we've got a delivery here for a Bob Newbie." said one.
"That's me." said Bob.
"We've got a Non-Deadly Robot Crafting Station. Just sign here." said the other.
Bob signed for the station and the men left it with him.
"You ordered a robot crafting station?" asked Mortimer.
"Sure did." said Bob. "I managed to earn a gold talent badge with the one Betty and I have at home. You should see what I can craft with this thing."
Bella looked at the box.
"According to this, you can craft an android with the station." she said.
"I can, but I haven't." said Bob. "Building one is prohibitively expensive on my budget. But maybe I can make one with your help."
"I suppose so." said Mortimer. "And building one shouldn't be too hard. It's only got what? A thousand different parts?"
"That's about right." said Bob. "And the construction doesn't get complicated until step three-hundred and forty-two."
Rudi Gunn returned to the Panama while reading a report.
"Okay." he said. "I've got a list of sites where the artifacts are..."
He looked up from his report and blanched. Skeeter, Pitt, and Giordino stood next to the Panama which was now painted red and sported an SMA grill.
"What did you do?" he yelled. "That was a company car!"
"Oh yeah." said Skeeter. "It's even better company now."
"Sandecker is going to keel haul us!" said Gunn.
"Rudi." said Pitt. "It came over us all of a sudden. It seemed like the only decent thing to do. Trust me, it'll be happier like this."
Gunn looked at him with concern.
J.J. and Victor had brought Captains Chaos and Fury out into the desert, where both the Falcon and the Licorne sat at the beginning of a long stretch of road leading across a suspension bridge and through a tunnel. On the road, a couple of Cannonball technicians hosed the road down with fire hoses to make it wet.
"Okay. This is part one of the first test." said Victor. "Both of you have to navigate the wet road at high speed to test your handling skills.".
"Part two of the test is to turn around and drive back towards us after you've been through the tunnel." said J.J. "There'll be a little adaptation to the test on that leg.".
"Is everything clear?" asked Victor.
"Affirmative, good citizen." said Captain Chaos.
"All clear, sir." said Captain Fury.
"Okay, GO!" said J.J. as he activated a digital stopwatch.
The Falcon and the Licorne took off the starting grid and both roared across the bridge. Both cars handled very well, despite the wet road surface. The Falcon led but the Licorne had no trouble keeping up.
As both cars crossed the bridge and entered the tunnel, the Licorne gained a fraction of a lead over the Falcon.
"Okay, guys. Phase two!" said J.J. to the technicians.
They immediately took out several CO2 fire extinguishers and sprayed the wet road so that the water turned to a thin film of ice.
"This should really give 'em a work out!" said Victor.
At the other end of the tunnel, the Licorne exited first and hung a 180 to go back through the tunnel. The Falcon quickly followed and tried to catch up.
As Captain Fury drove on he saw the icy road and clenched his teeth. As soon as the Licorne hit the ice there was a bit of sliding but he kept it under control. Captain Chaos didn't have as much trouble and got a lead once again.
Both cars reached the end of the course and pulled up to J.J. and Victor's limo. J.J. stopped the watch and looked at it.
"One minute, forty two seconds." he said, impressed. "Very good for both of you. Now, let's move on to the stealth test.".
Back in the garage...
Lola talked to Jerry and Captain Pierce.
"Okay, guys. I've worked out a special diagnostic we can do to the Primus to make it a real Cannonball contender. It would involve really beefing up the engine, adding nitrous, maybe a turbocharger, that kind of thing." she said.
"Alright!" said Jerry. "That sounds like it's gonna be great. What do you think, cap?"
"Well, Jer, remember we have to keep an eye on our finances for a while." said Pierce. "So what I just want to know is how much this will cost.".
"It'll be roughly in the area of $2000." said Lola.
"$2000?" spluttered Pierce.
"Come on, we can afford it." said Jerry.
"I don't know. It seems a bit expensive." said Pierce. "Is it really necessary to trick out the car.".
"You want to beat the others, it damn well is!" said Jerry.
"If you prefer, Captain, there IS a cheaper diagnostic we could do. It would only be about $200." said Lola.
"Ah! That sounds good." said Pierce. "So, what does it involve.".
With a wicked smile on her face, Lola said "Basically we just throw a shitload of parts at your engine and see which ones stick."
After a brief pause, Pierce sighed and said "Okay, we'll take the $2000 one."
"This is your vehicle?" asked Giovanni. "A Renault Avantime?"
"Yes, of course." said Willy.
"Do you have any idea how badly these things perform?" asked Giovanni.
"It seems alright to me." said Willy. "We've been testing it on the road on our way here and it's done quite well."
Wrench walked over and asked "Okay, who had the Cadillac?"
"That would be us." said Giovanni.
"We finished working on the vehicle." said Wrench. "It should be able to defend itself now."
"Great." said Giovanni. "How much will this come to?"
"That should be about...seven thousand dollars." said Wrench.
"Seven thousand?" asked Giovanni. "What the hell did you do?"
"Well, we installed some defensive weaponry like you wanted." said Wrench.
"Yes." said Giovanni.
"And we've adjusted some of your performance parts." said Wrench.
"Go on." said Giovanni.
"Plus, we rotated your tires." said Wrench.
"Um, okay." said Giovanni.
"And we connected the red wire to the green wire." said Wrench.
"Why? Was there a bomb in my car?" asked Giovanni.
Wrench gave him a doubting look. "Also, we tightened up your battery." he said.
"Alright." said Giovanni.
"And then we replaced the windshield washer fluid with the green stuff." said Wrench.
"Go on." said Giovanni.
"Then, I reached over and scratched my arm, then I just stood here." said Wrench.
"Keep going." said Giovanni.
"And then I took off my clothes and I sat in your car naked and just rubbed my leg like this." said Wrench as he rubbed his leg.
"Did you really have to do that?" asked Giovanni.
"No, I didn't." said Wrench.
Shavers explained a device he had fitted to the Cavaliere to Team Mystery Inc.
"This is a hundred times better than nitrous oxide." he said as he indicated a hood scoop fitted with a red light. "It's called Slip Stream Turbo, or SST for short."
"How does it work?" asked Velma.
"Basically, when you get behind another car that's going fast and stay right on its' tail for enough time, the scoop absorbs that car's kinetic energy." said Shavers. "When the light turns red, that means that SST is fully charged and ready to use. As soon as you see an opening to get ahead of the other car, press the red button and SST is activated. It'll propel you up the road faster than a bat out of hell, to use the old phrase.".
"ROW!" said Scooby.
"ZOINKS!" said Shaggy. "We could easily win with that."
"That IS a possibility." said Shavers. "But use SST sparingly, as overuse could fry your engine.".
"Okay, that's fine." said Daphne.
For the second part of their test, Chaos and Fury both drove at high speed down the desert highway with their headlights off. Both used special night-vision goggles and had fitted sound-deadeners to their engines. They had no trouble seeing each other and were also able to detect any nearby speedtrap cops.
Both the Falcon and the Licorne blew past one such cop. HE couldn't see the cars but looked in shock at his radar gun which had registered vehicles going 200 mph.
He switched on his searchlight and looked both ways on the road but could see nothing.
"Stupid piece of junk." he grumbled as he hit the radar gun.
The Licorne and the Falcon had finished the test and drove up to the limo again. "Well done. That was a great job." said J.J.
"Now for the final test." said Victor. "To see which one of you is better at the quarter mile dash."
"We're heading back into Venturas for that. Follow us." said J.J. as they all returned to their cars.
In the garage...
"Are you sure you don't want any mods to the car, Mr. Martin?" Wrench asked Frank.
"They're unnecessary. Too many gimmicks make things complicated. I can handle it." said Frank.
"So? So can I?" snorted Ford Fairlane as he too turned Wrench away.
"I wouldn't be too sure, pal." said Darius as he looked over the Overlord. "I think you need all the help you can get.".
"Oh yeah? At least my car looks like a car!" said Ford. "Yours looks like a damn cereal box prize!".
"Ford, I think you should give the matter some thought." said Jazz.
"Or do you not like taking orders from a woman?" Frank asked, raising an eyebrow.
"HEY! I am NOT sexist. I treat my wife with respect!" Ford said.
"Yeah, you do now, Mr. Honda Civic, but I doubt very much you'd listen to her about your car." said Darius. "You really think a '57 Fairlane can cut it against the Bisonte?".
"I don't need to think! I know how good my car is!" smirked Ford. "It ain't braggin' if you got the goods to back it up.".
"We'll see about that in the Cannonball." said Frank. "I suggest you get ready to eat a big plate of crow!".
"You've done it now, you crazy ass white boy!" Don grumbled at Ford.
"Oh come on. You know I can beat him, don't ya?" asked Ford. He got a look at Jazz and Don's stern faces and got nervous.
"Gotta smoke him." he thought to himself. "I don't need nitrous or turbo or shit! I can take him!"
He knew he was getting desperate.
Skeeter explained something to Buffy's team.
"This bazooka extends from the rear of the car." he said. "You have a targeting system on your heads-up display to help you use it. It's a non-lethal weapon. It shoots out a special adhesive gel which can completely cover enemy vehicles.".
"How strong is it?" asked Buffy.
"When you hit the fire button... SPLURGE! It wallops the enemy hard and petrifies like amber in about ten seconds. It takes an hour to wear off, so by then you'll be long gone. It's specially formulated not to suffocate, though, as lethal force is a no-no in this race." Skeeter said.
"That is absolutely crazy!" smiled Veronica.
"Yeah, ain't it cool?" smirked Skeeter.
As Homer made some fine adjustments to the Kowalski, Gloria Baker came up to him.
"Hey there, Homer." she said.
"Gloria? Good to see you again." Homer said.
"You didn't think Matt forgot what you did for us two years ago, did you?" Gloria asked. "Well, here's the favour he owed you."
Gloria handed Homer one of the famous high-powered masks that had been used by the original MASK team. Specifically, it was Buddy Hawks' Penetrator mask.
"Whoa!" said Bart. "Thanks a lot, Gloria."
"Will it work on the whole car?" Marge asked.
"It wil with this." said Gloria as she handed over a cable. "Just connect this to your dashboard and you'll go through anything like it isn't even there.".
"Thanks, Gloria." said Homer. "And tell Matt I said 'thanks' as well.".
For the final test, the Falcon and the Licorne both got ready to drag down a quarter-mile long street in Las Venturas.
J.J. talked on a CB radio. "Hey, Murray, give us a street report, come on."
"All clear, J.J. We're good to go!" the technician replied.
Victor went out to stand between the two Cannonballers.
"Ready?" he asked, pointing to the Falcon. Captain Chaos revved his engine.
"Set?" Victor asked as he pointed to the Licorne.
Captain Fury revved his engine as well.
"GO!" Victor yelled as he brought his hands down.
The two Cannonball vehicles took off and roared down the street. Just as they went, Murray's hysterical voice came over J.J's CB again. "Oh shit! Abort, abort, abort!".
J.J. looked down the street and saw an oil tanker truck suddenly come across an intersection.
The two Captains saw it too, but luckily were able to slam on their brakes and come to a halt before an accident happened.
"Go back to Jersey, ya morons!" the truck driver yelled at the two racers.
Both Captains sheepishly turned their cars around and headed back to J.J. and Victor.
They pulled up and looked at the two Cannonball veterans.
"Okay. We'll call that a tie." Victor said. "But we know now that you guys have the skills necessary for this year's Cannonball.".
"Thank you, my wonderful mentor." said Chaos.
"Indeed yes." said Fury.
"Okay, let's head back to the hotel. The big race starts in less than two hours." said J.J.
Back in the garage, Cobra Commander sneered over at the Joe team.
"You military morons will soon taste defeat in this race!" he said.
"You wish, buffer face!" said Clutch. "You just watch your own back when you're around us!".
The Viper team had finished talking with Julian and Frankie who had just added a little extra something to the Asp.
"A cloaking device?" asked Westlake, nonplussed. "I never thought you'd pull that one out of the hat.".
"It's thanks to a special light-warping technology we found out about." said Julian. "It can be of help with any difficulties.".
"Also, I added some nitrous for you, beefed up the turbo considerably and added some special spikes to the tyres for cold weather." Frankie announced. "You guys are gonna turn asphalt to gravel with this thing."
"Here's hoping." said Joe.
Snake and Ethan were nearby, loading the last of their equipment into the Espion and they overheard.
"Light-warping technology? Isn't that part of what your stealth camo uses, Snake?" Ethan asked.
"Yeah. And to think we have computer hackers to thank for finding out about it." Snake said. "Shows they're not all out to ruin people's websites, huh?"
Both men laughed.
Out in the hallway, Ron and Veronica walked along when they bumped into Bullseye from the C.O.P.S. team.
"You must be Officer Forward." said Veronica.
"That's right." said Bullseye. "I'll be adding air support for the race. Highway will give support on the ground with his cycle.".
"Are the C.O.P.S. vehicles really as high-tech as they claim?" asked Ron.
"You bet. That's why we make sure we never lose them. said Bullseye. "On our salaries it would take over a thousand years to pay for them if they got lost.".
"Well, well. Look who it is." said another man as he came over.
Ron tensed a little bit. It was his long-time rival Wes Mantooth. Mantooth looked very serious, but then broke into a grin.
"Fooled ya there, Burgundy!" he laughed.
Ron laughed a bit unsurely. "What brings you here, Wes?"
"I'm the official Cannonball Eye In The Sky. Helicopter reporter covering the race." said Mantooth. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and do a professional job on this race.".
"Well, Wes, we have no doubt you can." said Veronica as Wes and Ron shook hands. Nearby, Jay talked to Denis and Dane.
"It's serious, guys." said Jay. "I don't want to lose no $500 to that tubby lunchbox! But I can't help it sometimes! You see, my mom was a real potty mouth. Because of her, my first word was the f-word.".
"Wow! That's some achievement!" said Denis. "My parents were more or less the same. At least my dad was. He was impressed when I got put on report in grade school for using the c-word.".
"Really?" asked Dane.
"Yeah. He was Irish, remember? He used it all the time." said Denis.
"Well, Jay, how about this?" said Dane as he took out a pad and pencil and started writing. "This is something a friend of mine calls 'inanity profanity'. It's a list of words you can substitute for any expletives you may want to avoid.".
Dane finished writing and handed the pad to Jay.
"Thanks, man." said Jay.
Nearby, Team Justice League talked to their associate J'onn J'onzz, also known as the Martian Manhunter, who had shown up in his guise of human reporter John Jones.
"So, things look okay to you?" asked Wonder Woman.
"For now, yes." said. "I'll interview the officials while in disguise and pass any new info to you by radio.".
"Great, J'onn. You're a great help." said Batman.
The Flash put his hand around Wonder Woman's shoulder.
"So, Diana. Want a drink before the race?" he said in a flirting tone.
"Wally, shouldn't you be checking our fuel situation?" Batman asked sternly.
"Taken care of. We're filled up with enough to take us out of San Andreas as far as California." said Flash.
"What's the timing like?" Batman persisted.
"It's good. I checked it." said Flash.
"Well go and make doubly sure!" Batman snapped.
"Jeez!" said Flash as he left. "Why so tense, guy?".
"He's tense all the time. Don't you remember?" J'onn said.
"Bruce, you're not jealous are you?" asked Wonder Woman.
Batman tried not to blush. "Of course not." he said.
"Are you sure?" J'onn asked.
"Look, can we please try and be mature here." Batman grumbled.
Woozie's voice then came over the P.A.
"Attention all Cannonballers! If you would like to make your way to the grand ballroom, the pre-race address is about to take place."
Wonder Woman let out a loud whistle in Flash's direction as he headed to the garage.
"Leave it until later, Wally!" she said. "Let's go!".
Shrek and Brodie had re-entered the hotel and made their way back to the ballroom where the rest of the Cannonballers waited.
"Hi, honey." said Fiona to Shrek. "How did it go?".
"Pretty well." said Shrek. "It was more unnerving than listening to Donkey's singing, though."
"HEY!" snapped Donkey.
Brodie took his seat next to Jay and Silent Bob.
"Be prepared for a few surprises in this Cannonball." he said.
Jay consulted the pad Dane Cook had given him and smiled. "No prob. We can settle these mother-truckers' hash no sweat!"
Silent Bob rolled his eyes.
J.J., Victor, Mr. X and Brock all took the stage to begin the pre-race address.
"Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Here to begin the race officially is the man without whose help we would be lost." announced Brock. "Please welcome, the President of the United States: Baxter Harris!".
The audience applauded as 'Hail To The Chief' played over the sound system and President Harris took the stage in front of the assembled racers.
"Thank you, thank you." said Harris as he got behind the mic at the podium. "It's a pleasure to be here at the beginning of this latest Cannonball. Before we start, I'd just like to say a few words. Anyone here a 'Star Wars' fan?".
Brodie and his team raised their hands.
"Wonderful." said Harris. "I bet you didn't know it, but there are actually some very sexually-tilted lines in the original trilogy.".
Everyone looked confused by that.
"I swear, there are." said Harris, chuckling. "Examples are 'Look at the size of that thing' from the first movie and 'It's possible he came in through the South entrance' from 'Empire Strikes Back'. Or of course there's 'hey, point that thing somewhere else' in 'Return of the Jedi'.
The audience started to look unnerved.
"But my personal favourite is the one from Han Solo to Chewie in the first movie. 'Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!' concluded Harris, letting out a little chuckle.
Some members of the audience looked appalled by that.
"Seriously, though." continued Harris. "When you get down to it, sex is a very serious business. For example, there are things you may think about saying during the process, but you should probably refrain from them. For instance, one of my interns one time said to me 'do you understand the meaning of 'statutory rape'".
The audience gasped.
"Yeah, really ruined my mood too. Or there's another one which I admit I said once. I believe it was 'I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs'.".
Homer laughed out loud, but quickly shut up when everybody gave him harsh looks.
"Or there's one my wife said to me once which I thought was funny. It was 'how long do you plan to be "almost there"?'. Harris finished.
Everyone had gone silent by this stage.
"Oh, come on!" said Harris. "You should loosen up a bit. I was only kidding. But if you DO want to hear a very funny joke, here it is."
"Oh god!" J.J., Victor and Brock chorused as they put their heads in their hands.
Harris began telling his joke.
"This guy walks into a doctor's office. He's walking with a limp, has a bloody nose, two black eyes, various bumps and bruises, a fat lip, several handfuls of hair missing and a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor looks at him and just has to say 'what happened to you?'. The guy says 'Well, Doc, it was like this. My wife and I were playing a round of golf. We both ended up slicing our balls into a nearby cow pasture. We went in to look for them amid all the cows. I went over to one cow in particular and notice that it looks a bit uncomfortable. I lift up its' tail, and there, lodged in it's butthole is this golf ball with my wife's monogram on it. So, still holding the cow's tail up, I call over to my wife and say 'Yeah, this looks like yours'. The guy then says 'I don't remember too well what happened after that, except that it hurt and there was a lot of foul language.".
The crowd looked totally shell-shocked by this.
"And people have said MY act is offensive." said Ford Fairlane.
"Those aren't the kind of jokes I normally tell." said Harris defensively. "I'm taking lessons from some comics. Guess there's still room for improvement.".
"No shit." grumbled Darius.
"Anyway, folks." said Victor as he stepped up with a microphone. "This country is lucky to have President Harris here as our Commander in Chief. He has survived at least 32 assassination attempts...by killing the assassins before they could kill him. How's about that?".
There was now a hum of approval from the Cannonballers.
Harris chuckled a bit and then took the mic again.
"Well, in all honesty, the last two I shot in my bedroom when I mistook them for tabloid reporters trying to get some dope on my relationship with Cindy Campbell. Luckily, they turned out to be assassins.".
The audience looked shocked again.
"Anyway." said Brock, clearing his throat. "It is now time to get going, Cannonballers."
Harris, Brock, Victor, and J.J. walked over to a nearby time clock. Each placed a hand on a scanner at its' base and the clock started ticking.
"Okay, racers! GO!". yelled J.J.
The Cannonballers cheered and ran for the garage.
"Come on, Jack! Let's go!" Wes yelled to his cameraman as they both ran for the hotel's helipad to get on their news chopper. Bullseye followed suit to start up the Air Raid chopper. As they got there, they found Meteor Man and the Powerpuff Girls ready to take off as well.
"Ready, girls?" asked Meteor Man.
"READY!" Chorused the girls.
"Let's do it!" said Meteor Man as he leapt up and flew off.
In the garage, Brock delivered one last heads-up to the Cannonballers as they got into their vehicles.
"Okay, if you look in your glove compartments, you will find your CR credit cards for this year." he said. "They work at any and every store and have an unlimited budget for fuel and food, just like last year."
"Got it!" said Bam as he pulled his card out.
"Also, if you activate the switch marked 'comms' on the dashboards, it will enable you to speak to other racers thanks to a special TV device which was installed.
Ethan activated the switch in question and on one side of the windshield, a TV image of Lara's team appeared. He had appeared on their screen.
"Good luck, Ethan." Lara said.
"You too, ladies." he replied.
Suddenly, some static appeared on the screen and an electronically distorted voice began to speak.
"Cannonballers and Cannonball officials. Before you leave we have to give you serious warning."
The image appeared on a laptop Brock was looking at and he picked up a mic attached to it. "Who is this? Identify yourself!" he said.
"call me 'John Doe'." the voice said. "Just that I know the names 'Deep Throat' and 'Mr. X' are already taken. But never mind that now. There are hostle parties other than the Foyts preparing to attack when the race begins.".
"Can you give us any information?" asked Bulletproof as he took the mic on the laptop.
"The main ones you should beware of are a group of mercenaries driving a set of muscle cars. The makes and models are..."
Suddenly, John Doe's voice cut out and the static started to clear.
After that an image of Yucko appeared.
"Miss me, ya little crudsuckers?" he yelled as he honked his horn into the camera. "Try not to park your cars up each other fat asses!"
He laughed maliciously and disappeared.
Snake frowned. "I hope they can get that sorted out!"
"Damn clown!" said Bulletproof. "When I find out where he was broadcasting from I'll book him for interfering in a police matter.".
There was a brief silence.
J.J. spoke up. "Villains or no villians, the Cannonball goes ahead!".
The Cannonballers cheered.
"Now get out there and kick some ass!" J.J. yelled again.
Once again, the Cannonballers cheered and started their engines.
In Las Brujas, Sissy, Chrissy and Missy had met up with Turbo, Buttons, and the remainder of Big Boss' forces after they had met up with the mobile assassins earlier.
"So, are you girls willing to give your all to help us claim the money?" asked Buttons.
"YOu bet!" all three chorused.
"Then let's dogout the wheels and assign them!" said Camaro. "It's time to TTCANA.".
"TTCANA?" asked Mr. Chairman.
"Tear The Cannonbllers A New Asshole!" the four assassins said in unison.
"I like that." Yuri smirked.
"Okay, here we go!" said Lazlow as he and the other reporters stood by the garage door as it opened and the racing vehicles filed out one by one to the time clock for the score cards.
"The first car is ready to go, and so we begin the next Cannonball run!" announced Misty.
Brodie slipped on the Captain Chaos mask as he drove the Falcon up the clock and punched his timecard in it. Soon, the other racers followed.
"In the Falcon, Brodie Bruce." Announced Ron.
"In the Averse, Willy Wonka." Said Veronica.
"In the Peligro, Giovanni Sakaki." Said Misty.
"In the Ambitious, Michael Bluth."Said Lazlow
"In the Sorcerer, Tanner." Said Ron
"In the Supernova XS, Nick Kang." Said Veronica
"In the Vulcano, Lara Croft." Said Misty.
"In the Usagi, Veronica Mars." Said Lazlow
"In the Wisdom, Mortimer Goth." Said Ron.
"In the Kowalski, Homer Simpson." Announced Veronica
"In the Black Knight, 'Mad' Max Rockatansky." Announced Misty.
"In the Bisonte, Frank Martin." Said Lazlow
"In the Reckless, Michael Kelso." Said Ron.
"In the Bonfire, June Tuesday." Said Veronica.
"In the Cowboy, Randall Raines." Said Misty.
"In the Rumor, Dominic Toretto." Said Lazlow.
"In the Ignition, Jesse James, and I don't mean Team Rocket!" Ron joked.
The others giggled a bit but then composed themselves.
"Moving on, in the Battle, 'Clutch' Steinberg." Said Veronica.
"In the Espion, Ethan Hunt." Said Misty.
"In the Megere, David Abbott." Said Lazlow.
"In the Starlight, Corvax." Said Ron.
"Riding the Avenger, Frank Castle." Said Veronica.
"In the Barbarian, Michael Knight." Said Misty.
"In the Asp, Joe Astor." Said Lazlow.
"In the Yellow Bird, Claude Speed." Said Ron.
"In the Road Lord, Mason Strong." Said Veronica.
"In the Cavaliere, Freddie Jones." Said Misty.
"In the Aquila, Storm Shadow." Said Lazlow.
"In the Destroyer, Destro." Said Ron.
"In the Thunder Rodd, Bugs Bunny." Said Veronica.
"In Herbie the Volkswagen, Mickey Mouse." Said Misty.
"In Giselle the Lancia, Minnie Mouse" said Lazlow.
"Riding the Wayfarer, Howard ." Said Ron.
"In the Regalo, Yogi Bear."Said Veronica.
"In the Licorne, Shrek." Said Misty.
"In the Squalo, Jack Colton." Said Lazlow.
"In the Cataract, Dick Dastardly." Said Ron.
"In the Capital, Dr. Drakken." Said Veronica.
"In the Comrade, Skeletor." Said Misty.
"In the Utopia, Seymour Drake, Jr."said Lazlow.
"In the Hellenbach GT, Kermit the Frog." Said Ron.
"In the Overlord, Ford Fairlane." Said Veronica.
"In the Clover, Denis Leary." Said Misty.
"In the Infinito, Batman." Said Lazlow.
"In the Darkness, Rob Zombie." Said Ron.
"Riding the Streetfighter, Priss Asagiri." Said Veronica.
"In the Terrific, Charlie Croker." Said Misty.
"In the Detector, Alex Munday." Said Lazlow.
"In the Maniac 2, Liam O'Grady." Said Ron.
"In the Doomsayer, Mario." Said Veronica.
"In the Ecureil, Dice." Said Misty.
"In the Harbinger, Trikz Lane." Said Lazlow.
"In the Reaper, Keisuke Takahashi." Said Ron.
"In the Panama, Dirk Pitt." Said Veronica.
"In the Firestorm, The Doctor." Said Misty.
"Doctor who?" asked Lazlow.
"Like I haven't heard that one before!" yelled the Doctor as he punched his card and drove off. "GERONIMO!"
"In the Bionic Cheetah, Space Ghost." Said Lazlow.
"In the Tempest, Torquenstein." Said Ron.
"In the Primus, Jerry Davis." said Veronica.
"And in the Red Fury, Casey Rhodes." said Misty as Team Red Ranger punched their card and sped off into the night with the other racers.
"Well, there you have it, people. The race is underway." Said Ron. "And as our racers jockey for position on their worldwide racetrack, we wish them all the best luck."
The Silver Bullet, the Wildchild, the V8 Ghost, the Murmur and Highway's Turbo Cycle all drove away from the Casino as well. Bullseye's Air Raid chopper and the news chopper with Wes Mantooth in it both lifted off from the helipad.
"Okay, guys. This is it." Said Lone Wolf. "Don't get sloppy."
"Hey! I've never been sloppy." Said Richard.
Just then, the Thunder and Juice came driving up.
"Sorry we're late." said Coach Knox. "But traffic was murder."
"Literally." said Warwick. "We had to fight through a group of Dreg Lords to get here."
"Anyways, need any more protectors for the race?" asked Knox.
"I don't see why not." said Brock. "Glad you could join us."
"Alright." said Warwick. "We won't let you down."
"And now, before we go, here is the talented Ms. Linda Moon, Natasha Martin and Barenaked Ladies to give us a song to start things off" Said Misty.
"Alright people, here we go!" said Linda as BNL's Ed Robertson started on his guitar.
Seconds later, Tyler Stewart started on drums and Linda and Natasha began singing in unison.
Here you go way too fast.
don't slow down you're gonna crash.
you should watch - watch your stay here.
don't look out you're gonna break your neck.
So shut, shut your mouth.
cause I'm not listening anyhow.
I've had enough, enough of you.
enough to last a life time through.
So what do you want of me?
Got no words of sympathy,
and if I go around with you.
you know that I'll get messed up too with you.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
Ed joined the two girls in the singing.
Here you go way too fast.
don't slow down you're gonna crash.
you don't know what's been going down.
you've been running all over town.
So shut, shut your mouth.
cause I'm not listening anyhow.
I've had enough, enough of you.
enough to last a life time through.
So what do you want of me?
got no cure for misery.
and if I go around with you.
you know that I'll get messed up too with you.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
(You're gonna crash)
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
(You're gonna crash)
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
(slow down, you're gonna crash)
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
(slow down, you're gonna crash)
Ed went into the guitar solo and then he and the two girls started singing together again.
With you.
With you.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash.
Na na na na na.
na na na na na.
slow down you're gonna crash
'Crash' by the Primitives.
"Okay, thanks guys." Said Misty as she and the other announcers applauded with the crowd. "There'll be much more action as the race unfolds. We're gonna take a short break now. We'll be back with some news soon. I'm Misty."
"I'm Lazlow"
"I'm Veronica Corningstone."
"And I'm Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, Cannonball fans.".
TO BE CONTINUED...
AN: That was long, but we hope it was good too. The other chapters will be long too, as we have a lot planned for them. So we're splitting each continent into two chapters. We hope that won't be a problem for anybody. Anyhow, watch this space for the USA leg of the Cannonball. R&R if you can. Thank you.