Cannonball Run 7: High Speed Heroes

by BKelly95

Co-written by The Turbo Man. The Cannonballers have returned for another race around the world for a five hundred million dollar first prize. Who will rise? Who will fall? And who will win the Cannonball Run?

8. I'm Taking The Trip to Dorajland

CANNONBALL RUN 7: HIGH SPEED HEROES by Bkelly and the Turbo Man.

Chapter 8: 'I'm taking the trip to Dorajland'.

DISCLAIMER: Once again, we own nothing. Big Kahuna Burger is the property of Quentin Tarantino and Chango Beer is that of Robert Rodriguez. I hope that no-one will be offended by their use in this story.

This chapter was written before recent events in the Central African Republic and any resemblance to real life events is unintentional.

---

Silent Bob slowly began to stir and wake up in the back seat of the Falcon. He groggily noticed Jay sitting next to him.

"About friggin' time you woke up, lunchbox!" Jay said. "And you should be grateful I did decide to haul your ass out of that base after the gas got you."

Bob smiled. He opened his mouth to ask a question, but Brodie, who was driving, cut him off.

"Don't worry. We've left Europe far behind." Brodie said. "We're currently in Tataouine."

"NOT Tatooine. Tataouine is this shitty city in south Tunisia. We're now in Africa." Jay added. "And we're continuing the race."

"Be careful the natives don't hear you insult the city, Jay." Brodie said.

"Why shouldn't I? It's too frackin' hot here! There are hardly any good roads and people keep tryin' to sell us water in jars!"

"What's wrong with that?" Brodie angrily asked.

"What's wrong with water? Fish screw in it, that's what!" Jay yelled.

Bob let out a loud whistle and both Brodie and Jay shut up.

"If I can get a word in, what happened to those jerks who kidnapped Stella and Rob?" Bob asked. "Should we worry about them?"

"They're far behind us, man." Brodie said. "Besides, I doubt that they can actually come up with a good plan, considering they thought Stella was someone else."

"Maybe." said Bob.

---

Back in the Italian military complex, Stingray laid next to the door to the office still unconscious and still gripping her handgun in her hand. The door had long been opened and the Cannonballers had long since left. Somewhere in the background, a sliding sound was heard, followed by a loud thump and another sliding sound.

Camaro staggered out of a hallway holding his head and wincing. He entered the main room as the sliding sound, thump, and other sliding sound were heard. He looked at Stingray and groaned. He then turned around and saw Charger lying on the floor with drool leaking from his mouth.

He heard the sliding sound, thump, and other sliding sound again and looked in the direction it had come from. He let out a sigh of disgust and walked over to AMX lying in the entrance of the elevator.

The sliding sound, thump, and other sliding sound were heard again as the elevator doors slid shut on AMX's head and reopened.

"Get up, you idiot." growled Camaro as he kicked AMX in the leg.

AMX started to get up, then the elevator doors closed on his head again. "Ow." he muttered.

Charger started to get back up and wiped the drool from his cheek. Stingray grabbed her head as she regained conciousness.

"Where are the Cannonballers?" asked Charger as he looked into the office.

"They got away." said Camaro. "Come on. We have to mobilize."

---

In the Caribbean island nation of San Esperito, American government agent Rico Rodriguez sat on the side of a hill overlooking the capital of Esperito City.

"It's a lovely city, isn't it?" he said to his companion. "It's improved much since the Revolution."

"Were you here before the Revolution?" asked his companion.

"During, actually." said Rico.

"Really?" she asked. "Did you take part?"

"A little." lied Rico. In actuality, he was virtually instrumental in the Revolution, stirring up civil unrest and allowing the guerilla fighters to overtake the government of the corrupt President Mendoza.

Rico's cell phone rang. "Hello?" he answered.

"Rico, you there?"

"Sheldon, to what do I owe this honor?" asked Rico.

"Have you heard of a country in Africa called Dorajland?" asked Tom Sheldon, Rico's field commander.

"Yes, formerly known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo." Rico remarked. "They recently made news when they allowed the participants of the Cannonball Run to pass through the country without trouble."

"We think something may be up." said Sheldon. "Are you near an airport?"

"There's one north of Esperito City." said Rico. "I can be there in maybe ten minutes. Meet you there?"

"We'll be waiting for you." said Sheldon.

Rico hung up his phone and said "I have to go to work. We'll have to continue this later."

"I see." she said. "Go take care of business. I shall see you later."

---

"Welcome back, viewers." said Veronica. "This is another Cannonball update to keep you informed."

"This Cannonball update is sponsored by Super Dave Osbourne." said Ron. "Instead of having us promote his wares on the air, he has opted to show us a public service announcement. And so, here it is."

The scene changed to Super Dave sitting in a white Ford Taurus parked on a racetrack.

"Hi, folks! Super Dave Osbourne here with a public service announcement. As you watch this amazing road trip, you may be tempted to take one of your own someday. I'm here to tell you that if you do so, even if you're just going across town, you should use the foremost safety feature in your car. This has been in every car since the sixties, but it requires user participation. That's rather unfortunate because not everyone uses them. I am of course talking about seat belts.

"Now, many people have various excuses for not wearing their seat belts and personally, I think those excuses are rather lame. First of all, some say they don't want to be trapped in the car in case of fire or water immersion. Come on. Fire and water immersion factor into maybe less than one percent of all accidents. Not only that, but wearing a seat belt in these accidents can help ensure that you're physically capable of escaping your burning or sinking car.

"Some say that seat belts are too confining. You're in a car. Everything is within arm's length. How far do you have to reach? Others say that seat belts are too uncomfortable. From personal experience, I can tell you that serious injuries are a lot less comfortable.

"Then, you have the putz who says he'd rather be thrown from the car. Let me take you back to high school physics. If you get thrown from a car after it crashes, you are now travelling at the same speed the car was going. Only now, you don't have the protection of a steel cage when you impact the pavement.

"With all of these facts, I can't see why you shouldn't wear your seat belt. Can you? In fact, to demonstrate the effectiveness of seat belts, I have arranged for Fuji to hit this very car with a significantly larger vehicle. I will be sitting in it wearing my seat belt. And here he comes right now."

Super Dave looked forward and froze in shock. "Oh God." he said.

Fuji promptly ran the Taurus over with a monster truck, flattening it.

"Can you imagine how much worse this could have been if I hadn't been wearing my seat belt?" asked Super Dave.

The PSA ended and the scene returned to the anchor desk.

"Well, I'm sure that's a lesson to us all." said Lazlow.

"Anyway, most of the Cannonballers have now passed beyond Tunisia and Libya and are now into the exotic country of Egypt. And word is that that's where Mr. Yates' African Puzzle Hunt begins." said Misty. "Here's hoping our racers will enjoy every success in the birthplace of man."

---

In the Libyan city of Tripoli, the Thunder Rodd had pulled up to a local franchise of Big Kahuna Burger so Team Looney Tunes could get some food.

"I hope this won't take long, Daffy." said Bugs. "We're one country behind so far."

"Well it's not my fault Taz eats very fast." said Daffy. "Don't worry. We'll catch up."

Daffy pulled the Thunder Rodd up to the speaker box of the drive-thru.

"Welcome to Big Kahuna Burger." said the clerk's voice. "May I take your order?"

"Yeah, we'll have a number 6, two number 4's and a number 18, please." Daffy said.

"Alright. That will be $14.82" the clerk said.

"Woohoo!" Daffy whooped.

"Please drive around to the delivery window."

Daffy drove the Thunder Rodd up to the delivery window where the clerk was finishing the preparation of their food. As it was done, he opened the window and handed the bag to Daffy.

"That's $14.82." the clerk said.

"Woohoo!" Daffy cheered.

The clerk gave him a strange look for a second.

"14." the clerk said.

"Woo!"

"82."

"Hoo!"

"14.82." the clerk repeated.

"Woohoo!" Daffy cheered again.

"82.14." the clerk said with a slight smile.

"Hoowoo!" Daffy cheered.

"28.41."

"Oohoow!" Daffy cheered.

"Well played, sir." the clerk smiled as he handed over the food and Daffy handed over the money and took the food.

"WOOHOO, WOOHOO, WOOHOO!" yelled Daffy as the Thunder Rodd sped off.

---

Elsewhere in the city, Garthe Knight and the three Pollution Ministers met with a group of soldiers from PALM.

These soldiers were grouped around a heavy-armoured GMC Topkick truck/personnel carrier. It looked like it could be a small version of Goliath, which was parked nearby. It had several weapons turrets attached to it and sliding doors for the soldiers to lean out of the side and the rear end and fire. It also had a roof-mounted cannon just above the cockpit and several ladders for the troops to climb up and take up firing positions on the roof.

Garthe addressed the lead soldier in their dialect.

"(So, Kuna recommended you personally?)" he asked.

"(Yes, Mr. Knight. With the HARV here, no-one dares challenge PALM's control of the roads of this continent.)"

"(HARV?)" asked Garthe in intrigue.

"(Heavy Armoured Raid Vehicle, sir.)" the officer replied. "(We have no doubt that with its' might, we can beat the Cannonballers.)"

"(Excellent.)" Yogostein announced, also speaking the African dialect. "(A few more attacks on the Cannonballers and that do-gooder Michael Knight will have no choice but to acknowledge you, Garthe.)"

"(Let us hope so.)" Garthe said. "(Have your people fully sorted out all the flaws with Goliath?)"

"(Yes!)" the three Ministers chorused.

"(And in case of emergency, KARR is safe in the trailer with another battalion of PALM soldiers to aid you.)" Kegaleisa added.

"(Then let's not dilly-dally any more.)" Garthe smirked as he headed towards Goliath and the group of soldiers climbed into the HARV.

---

"Ah, sunlight." said Savo as he stood outside a restaurant in Cairo. "So good to see you again."

"Oh, there he goes again." said Parfait. "You think he'd been living in a cave all his life."

"Give him a break." said Dice. "We just restored him from vampirism."

"Attention all Cannonballers." said Brock over the radio. "It has come to my attention that all of you are now in Africa. So, it is time to begin the Africa puzzle hunt. The first six to call in will be entered."

"Mmmm, the puzzle hunt." said Parfait.

"This is Team Viper calling for the puzzle hunt." Cole said over the radio.

"Should we?" asked Savo.

"This is-a Team Mario entering the puzzle hunt." said Mario over the radio.

"I dunno." said Dice. "Savo was turned into a dang vampire in Europe. Is he up to it now?"

"This is Priss entering the puzzle hunt." came over the radio.

"Why not?" asked Savo. "She was turned as well."

"This is Team Drake for the puzzle hunt." said The Drake over the radio.

"Oui, I suppose we could." said Parfait.

"This is Corey Howard calling to enter the puzzle hunt." said Corey over the radio.

Dice picked up the radio and said "This is Team Midnight Club entering the puzzle hunt."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have our entrants in the puzzle hunt." said Brock over the radio. "Here is your first clue: Hopefully, you will do Great when you look into the original Pyramid scheme. Good luck."

"Original pyramid scheme." said Parfait. "Let's go over that and try to figure it out first."

"Let me try." said Savo. "I must prove I've still got it." He thought for a few seconds. "Okay. The closest thing any of the local tribes had to a pyramid scheme was the barter system put in place by the Bedouins. Their system had its base somewhere in southern Sudan. What that means for the next clue..."

"Guys!" said Dice. "We're in Egypt. Let's head for the Great Pyramid of Giza."

"I hope that's not too obvious." said Savo.

---

"I hope that Pyramid clue wasn't too obvious." said Brock as he sat in his office. George Sr. and Gob walked in.

"Mr. Yates, we have a problem." said George.

"Do I know you?" asked Brock.

"I'm George-Oscar Bluth." said Gob. "My brothers and brother-in-law are taking part in the race. This is my dad."

"Ah, yes." said Brock. "Team Bluth. What is this problem you speak of?"

"There's always been someone who tries to steal the prize money or bring harm to the Cannonballers." said George. "We have some information on this year's threat."

"It's Jimmy DeMarco." said Gob. "He's looking for revenge after you got him locked up two years ago. It was him who sent the Foyts to the party to stir things up."

"Needless to say, he's planning to escape from prison soon, if he hasn't already." said George. "He's also hired a crew to infiltrate the headquarters to steal the prize money."

"Catwoman." said Brock. "I know. We've already handled the threat."

"No, she was working completely independently." said Gob. "DeMarco has hired someone else."

"They might be at the hotel already." said George. "If that's not enough, they've also hired a group of bad guys to delay the Cannonballers."

"How did you get this information?" asked Brock.

"I (bleep)ed Janice Foyt." said Gob.

"The less I know about that, the better." said Brock.

"Well, what do you say?" asked George. "Will you take this warning seriously?"

"I guess so." said Brock.

---

At an airport in Niger, DeMarco stepped off a private plane, followed by Lester, Luther and Golem. Waiting for him on the tarmac were Yuri, Mr. Chairman, Dr. Badvibes, Lidell, and the Golden Lords.

"A curious conclave to aid me in my mission." DeMarco mused. "But much appreciated. Where's Big Boss, though?"

"He told me to deliver this message to you, sir." Badvibes said as he handed DeMarco a letter.

DeMarco looked at the letter, and within a few seconds looked outraged.

"He has Total Anarchy but won't hand it over!" he snapped.

"Yes, and furthermore, he wants nothing more to do with you or your plans for the Cannonball." Badvibes remarked. "He bailed Turbo and Buttons out of jail in Germany and is headed back to Empire City. I did point out to him the money you were offering, but he said I could tell you exactly what you could do with it."

"That bloated warthog!" yelled DeMarco as he screwed up the letter.

"Well, everybody knows he hates drugs, sir." Lester remarked. "So he's a sanctimonious fool as well."

"Well, if he thinks I'll sit by and let him reap the benefits of TA's power, he's sadly mistaken." DeMarco growled.

"No offence, man, but can we start making plans on what to do now that you're free?" asked Simon.

"How many Cannonballers have made it this far?" DeMarco asked.

"All of 'em. A lot of 'em are still in the north but a few are going through the Nubian desert. To 'see the scenery'." Lidell sarcastically remarked.

"And you guys prepped your cars for off-road capability?" asked Luther.

"Hell yeah." Goldilocks smirked.

"Well then, you go that way for now and take care of any racers you encounter." Lester ordered.

"Right." said Lidell and the Lords in unison as they headed for their cars.

DeMarco saw the Corvair that Lidell was driving and looked stunned.

"You're using that? Are you nuts?" he said.

"Hey, it's been pretty safe so far." Lidell said. "Besides you know how similar this car is to a Porsche 911."

"What was the codename you gave it again?" asked Mr. Chairman.

Lidell sighed. "The Death Trap. But I was being ironic."

"Yeah, well just watch out." Yuri said.

Lidell climbed into the Death Trap and the Lords got into the Hitman, both of which now had off-road wheels attached, and they drove off.

Yuri then turned his attention to Badvibes. "So why did you stay after Big Boss pulled out?"

"I want to try out some of my new inventions on the Cannonballers." smirked Badvibes. "Besides, Big Boss doesn't pay so well these days."

"Okay. The Killer Cars are making the journey here from Italy. They said they'd meet us in the Sudan. So everybody on the plane." DeMarco ordered.

"What about Total Anarchy?" asked Mr. Chairman.

"I'll make a phonecall and see what we can do." smirked DeMarco.

---

In Luxor, the Regalo had driven to a railway station, where the Capital waited for the Wacky Racers. Dick Dastardly and Muttley smugly stood with their arms folded as the Capital was being loaded into a cargo car of a train that was about to depart.

Ranger Smith narrowed his eyes.

"So what exactly is this all about, Dastardly?" he asked.

"Quite simple, Smitty." Dastardly smirked. "You guys thought you could annoy me by naming your team after those idiots whom I could never beat in the Wacky Races. But I've come up with a Wacky Race idea of my own that should put you in your place."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" sniggered Muttley.

"You see, me and my group of villains are going to take this train from this end of the continent to the other." Dastardly continued. "We will be disembarking in Mozambique. If you guys want to prove you have what it takes to beat us in the Cannonball, you have to beat us there. In your car."

"A car versus a train? Non-stop?!" Quick Draw said in disbelief.

"Oh, of course you can stop for gas and all that." smirked Dastardly. "But the train journey should take a few days. So you'll really have to get the lead out if you expect to beat this challenge."

"And what are the conditions for the losers of the challenge?" asked Cindy.

"Well, my dear, apart from yourself obviously, the losing team has to dress in drag for the next continent."

"Ay carumba!" groaned Baba Louie.

"Don't worry, guys." Yogi whispered. He then addressed Dastardly.

"You're on, like 'Red Dawn', Dastardly." he said.

"WHAT?!" the rest of the Wacky Racers chorused.

"Well then, I'd get moving if I were you, you bruin bozo." Dastardly sneered. "Our train departs in ten minutes."

"Then, hey hey hey, we're on our way!" Cheered Yogi as he started up the Regalo's engine, performed a back wheel 180 and roared off.

"Gangway, people!" Yogi yelled as he honked the horn so some pedestrians could get out of the Regalo's way.

"Those idiots really think they have a chance." snorted Dastardly.

Muttley sniggered to himself again as he and his master boarded a passenger car to join the rest of their group.

---

In the Nigerian city of Lagos, Banner met with President Kante of Tanzania just after he had made a public appearance at his alma mater: the University of Lagos.

"So, you're from Tanzania but you went to college in Nigeria?" asked Banner.

"I know you're not here for small talk, Agent Banner." Kante replied. "And I'm sure that you understand that I'm a busy man, so can we 'cut to the chase' as they say in your country?"

"Very well then, Mr. President. You are no doubt aware that the infamous Cannonball Run is now going through this entire continent." Banner stated. "I know that in addition to being the new Tanzanian president, you have a large influence throughout all of Africa with your desire to clean up crime."

"So you want my aid in stopping the Cannonball?" asked Kante.

"Well, I know that you were once the most successful highway patrol officer in Tanzania with an impeccable arrest record." Banner added.

"True, but I'm not a complete hard-ass despite that." Kante said. "And frankly, since an illegal car rally pales in significance to most of the hardships faced in this continent on a day-to-day basis."

"Surely, Mr. President, you must realise the danger that the Cannonball Run represents." Banner protested.

"It is true that there is a lot of danger involved with the Cannonball Run." Kante said. "However, Agent Banner, I'm afraid that right now I simply cannot afford to lend the manpower required to help. You see, I have heard rumours that in the republic of Dorajland, the country formerly known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo before the old government was overthrown in a recent coup, there could be a terrorist cell secretly operating."

"Seriously?" asked Banner.

"I never joke about such things." Kante replied sternly. "The president of Dorajland is a good friend of mine, so the least I can do is to offer him my assistance in smoking these insurgents out. I think you will agree that such a thing takes precedence over an illegal road race, which has never caused any fatalities yet, need I remind you?"

Banner sighed to himself. "Alright, I understand. But I'm confident that my troops and I can handle this situation."

"I have no intention of stopping you as your jurisdiction is universal with regards to the Cannonball. But I hope I shall not have to clean up your mess."

You needn't worry sir. I have handpicked the best and the brightest of highway law enforcement from my country." said Banner. "Most of them are waiting outside."

Sure enough, outside the University were the Jawbreaker, Evenflow (which had now been fixed properly), Nightcrawler, and Starbreaker.

Victoria impatiently looked at her watch. "Where are those other guys?" she asked.

"Well, remember that Coltrane and the Justices had to go get a new car from the Candy Store." Willenholly reminded her.

"Yeah, well what excuse do Slater and Michaels have?" asked Bender. "They got the Speed Demon fixed back in Tunisia."

"Call them and see where they are." suggested Amos.

"Right." said Bender as he took out his cellphone.

About a mile or so up the road, the fully repaired Speed Demon drove along. Michaels sat in the passenger seat while Slater drove, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding a take-out coffee.

In its holder on the dashboard, Slater's cellphone rang.

He slowed the Speed Demon down, set the parking brake and answered the phone, keeping his coffee in his right hand.

"Hello? Yes, Sheriff Bender, we're on our way. We're about a mile from the college now." he said.

"Thank God you finally figured out how to program the GPS, you dumb shit." smirked Michaels.

"Can it!" Slater snapped. Hearing an angry outburst on the other end of the phone, he quickly added "No, not you, sir. My partner's just being a bit..."

In his slightly agitated state, Slater raised the hand that was holding his coffee and the lid came off it, spilling the hot beverage all over his uniform shirt.

"AHHHHH!" Slater yelped in pain as the hot coffee covered him.

In a panic, he undid his seatbelt and leapt out of the car.

"Hang on, buddy, I'm coming!" said Michaels as he undid his safety belt and got out to help his partner.

Slater tried to wipe the hot coffee off himself as Michaels came over with a moist towelette.

"There's no need to panic!" Michaels said as he helped his partner.

"You weren't the one who was nearly scalded!" Slater snapped as Michaels began to wipe the coffee off.

While this was happening, the Speed Demon's parking brake slipped and the blue Camaro started to roll off down the road, out of control.

"HEY!" Slater yelled as he noticed the car rolling off wihout them.

"Shit!" Yelled Michaels as he and Slater ran off after the runaway Speed Demon.

"Stop! Arretez! Alto! Whoa, mule!" Slater yelled as he and Michaels kept running after the Speed Demon.

At the university, Bender looked at his phone in confusion.

"What in tarnation are those assholes doing?" he asked.

Banner came down the steps of the building.

"It's no go as far as help from Kante goes, troops. So it looks like it's up to us again." he said.

"Brilliant." said Victoria sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

"So let's get on the road and...what the hell?" Banner said suddenly.

The team looked and saw the Speed Demon rolling down the road out of control with Slater and Michaels chasing it. It rolled towards a park where some children were playing.

"Oh, shit! KIDS! LOOK OUT!" Michaels yelled.

"STOP, YOU VICIOUS BASTARD! STOP!" Slater yelled at the Speed Demon. Slater pulled out his gun and fired a few shots at the Speed Demon to try and make it stop.

The children looked shocked as one shot broke a window of a nearby store.

The owner came out of the store and looked in shock as the runaway car bumped up against an embankment near the park and came to a halt.

Slater got up to the Speed Demon and angrily set the parking brake again.

"Stay in Park, you asshole! STAY IN PARK OR I WILL FRIGGIN' BREAK YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!" he yelled as he also shut off the engine.

The store owner came over and yelled at him angrily in the native language.

"Hey, mister. It's okay! We're cops!" Michaels said in a placating tone as he caught up and flashed his badge. But the owner and the kids were still upset.

Banner and the rest of the enforcers came running over.

"Are you two crazy?!" yelled Willenholly.

"We just had a slight mishap." Slater said.

"A SLIGHT mishap!" said Amos as a truck drove past them. "Someone could have got killed! You were discharging your firearms..."

Banner growled. "WILL ALL OF YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE..."

The truck sounded its horn as it drove on.

"...UP!" Banner finished.

Kante watched all of this happen from the front steps of the University.

"The best and the brightest." he sighed as he rolled his eyes.

---

In a prison exercise yard in Duckburg...

"We gotta get outta here!" said Bigtime Beagle.

"Yeah!" said his four brothers.

"We gotta get outta here!" said Bigtime.

"Yeah!" said his brothers.

"We gotta get outta here and into Scrooge's money bin!" said Bigtime.

"YEAH!" yelled his brothers.

"But how do we get out of here?" asked Bankjob.

"Maybe we can spread chocolate on the walls and let Burger eat our way out." said Bouncer.

"Ooh, let's do that!" said Burger.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Babyface as he looked to the sky.

The other four looked up to see one of Yuri's Floating Discs above. The guards and other prisoners watched it in a deep panic.

"What is it?" asked Bankjob.

"Ooh!" said Burger. "It's a giant doughnut!"

The Disc fired a yellow beam at the Beagle Boys. They vanished and the Floating Disc flew away.

The Beagle Boys materialized onboard the Floating Disc. "We're free!" cheered Babyface.

"Now we can pay Scrooge a visit." said Bigtime.

"Not just yet!" yelled a woman. Everyone looked to see an older woman beagle.

"Ma!" yelled Bouncer.

"Where did you get this thing?" asked Bigtime.

"It was a present in exchange for your help." said Ma Beagle. "Someone somehow has a need for your particular talents."

"Who?" asked Bankjob.

"Him." said Ma Beagle as she turned on a nearby monitor.

DeMarco appeared on the monitor. "Beagle Boys, it's good to make your acquaintance." he said. "I have a job for you and I won't take 'no' for an answer."

---

Toulour got out of his limousine and looked over the Four Dragons Hotel. "So, this is the place." he said.

Inside, a man signed into the register. "I hope you enjoy your stay, Mr. Dunn." said the concierge.

"Thank you very much." said the man, David Dunn. "My family's been looking forward to this."

"So, what do you do in Philadelphia?" asked the concierge.

"Security guard." said Dunn.

Toulour walked into the lobby and looked around. Dunn stepped away from the desk and bumped into him. He suddenly had a vision of Toulour plotting the heist.

"Excuse me." said Toulour.

Dunn stared at him as he walked away.

Toulour walked past a room where the mechanics set up a call center. Skeeter answered the ringing phone in front of him. "Race Central." he said.

"Yeah, our car stopped." said James from Team Rocket on the other end.

"How do you mean?" asked Skeeter.

"It stopped." said James.

"What do you mean by 'it stopped'?" asked Skeeter.

"We were just driving along and the engine died." said James.

"How did it sound when it died?" asked Skeeter.

"It sounded like..." said James "...hold on, the boss wants to talk to you."

"Who is this?" asked Giovanni.

"This is..." said Skeeter.

"Look, I don't know who you think you are." said Giovanni. "But don't you dare tell my subordinates what to do! We'll try fixing the problem ourselves, thank you!"

"But I..." said Skeeter before hearing the call terminate. "Wanker."

He hung up the receiver. A second later, it rang again.

Skeeter picked up the phone again and said "Race central."

"Yes, our car seems to have stopped running." said Giovanni. "I hope you can help us get back on the road because the last idiot we talked to didn't know what he was talking about."

"No problem." said Skeeter. "I'll see if I can help. What happened?"

"We were driving along when the engine got quiet and stopped working." said Giovanni. "We brought it to the side of the road and I decided to call you."

"What does the fuel gauge say?" asked Skeeter.

"Um..." said Giovanni. "The needle is on 'E'."

"Okay, first you need to rotate your tires." said Skeeter. "You start by taking the right front tire and moving it to right rear. Then, you take right rear..."

---

The Angels took a break from driving at a gas station in Cairo.

"I hope this takes your mind off of what happened in Europe." said Natalie as she spread a map of Africa across the hood of the Detector.

"It should help. Thanks." said Dylan.

"Think this continent will be worse than the last one?" asked Natalie.

"Of course not." said Dylan. "I mean, how could it be?"

99 sat on a bench nearby as Alex walked over to her.

"It's sure nice to be able to see the sun again." said Alex.

"Yes, that's wonderful." said 99. "Hey, take a look at this."

She opened her mouth and revealed a pair of fangs. Alex jumped back in shock.

99 laughed and removed the fangs. "They look real, don't they?" she asked.

"Where did you get those?" asked Alex.

"A gift shop in Romania." said 99. "They really know how to cash in on Dracula's legacy."

Alex held out her hand and said "Give 'em to me."

99 handed the fangs to Alex reluctantly.

Alex promptly threw the fangs into the desert. "Too soon." she said.

The Megere and Ambitious sat nearby.

"Let me get this straight." said Darryl from the Megere's passenger seat. "In the Sahara, villages and their medical specialists are sometimes hundreds of miles apart?"

"That is correct." said a local.

"And a medivac can take hours?" asked Darryl.

"That is correct." said the local.

"And the medical facilities do not have state-of-the-art equipment?" asked Darryl.

"That is true." said the local.

"Then, starting now, I'm wearing my seatbelt." said Darryl as he fastened his seatbelt.

David climbed into the driver's seat. "Okay, we're on our way." he said.

"Great." said Darryl. "I'm going to rest up. Wake me when we reach Nigeria."

In the Ambitious, Michael took the wheel while Tobias took the shotgun seat. Buster sat directly behind him.

"So, who's up for a game of '20 Questions'?" asked Buster as he held up a Twenty Questions toy.

"Ooh, I am!" said Tobias. "Michael, would you like to join in the excitement?"

"No, I'm good." said Michael. "I think the drive through Africa is going to be exciting enough."

"Yeah. Despite Michael's prediction, the journey through most of Egypt resulted in less-than-interesting footage. Even still photographs failed to provide worthwhile entertainment no matter what music was played over it."

Hold them down, our bleeding suspects.
Just because, just cause, just who are you?

Tony, Bam, and Torquenstein posed in front of the Tempest while an elephant's trunk leaned in the right side of the picture.

By candlelight, burn, burn, burn baby.
Burn, burn, whose turn? Who gets a taste today?

Tony, Bam, and Torquenstein looked at the elephant in terror as it leaned into the picture.

We've done nothing wrong.
But we've done nothing.
We can't look away.

Cole climbed the Great Pyramid of Giza.

But we're just looking.
It's second nature to say.
We've done nothing wrong.

Joe looked over the clue while Westlake looked at the badly sunburned Cole in shock.

Turn them off, our blacklist singers.
Don't ask why, don't cry, don't make a scene.

Jesse James, Body Drop, and Tombstone looked at the Ignition which was stuck in a roadside ditch.

On 45, spin, spin, spin give in.
Spin, spin. Who wins? Who's not afraid to play?

The Ignition had been returned to the road, but Tombstone laid face-down in the ditch with his arms over his head.

We've done nothing wrong.
But we've done nothing.
We can't look away.

Priss stood with a group of African tribesmen as they taught her how to perform a tribal dance.

But we're just looking.
It's second nature to say.
We've done nothing.

Priss stood with the group of tribesmen as she taught them the Macarena.

Done nothing but take what's handed down.
Said nothing, but what's approved to shout.

The Road Lord followed another car whose passenger took a picture of the car. Mason drove while Spike grabbed the top of the windscreen.

We want to know that we own the cake we're eating,
then spit it out.
Out, out, out.

A second picture was taken of the Road Lord. This time, Spike did a headstand in the passenger seat with his legs sticking through the roof.

Hold them down, our bleeding suspects.
Turn them off, our blacklist singers.

Roger stood in front of a herd of ostriches as he tried to herd them into a pen.

We've done nothing wrong.
But we've done nothing.
We can't look away.

Roger ran from the stampeding herd of ostriches.

But we're just looking.
It's second nature to say.
We've done nothing wrong.

-"Nothing Wrong" by Jimmy Eat World.

"Little did they know that things would change when the racers reached the aforementioned Dorajland. Gee. What are the odds of THAT?"

---

The Panama pulled into a tribal village in Dorajland. The tribesmen gathered around the car as the NUMA personel climbed out.

"I wonder if these people know we came for their artifact?" said Gunn.

"We could tell them, but I don't speak their language." said Giordino.

"Excuse me, does anyone speak English?" asked Pitt.

"I do." said an older man with gray hair and a beard. "Of course, I am from the Land of Lincoln."

"So, what are you doing here?" asked Gunn.

"I'm with the Peace Corps." said the man. "After prospecting in the Sahara, running a diner in New Mexico, and sailing off of Korea, I thought it was time I gave something back. So, I volunteered and here I am. While we're on the subject, what brings you to this humble village?"

"We're on a search for a collection of artifacts." said Pitt. "We've been informed that one of the artifacts is in the possession of the tribal chief."

"It looks something like this." said Giordino as he presented the first artifact to the man.

"Ah yes, I've seen something like this." said the man. "I'll go see if I can convince him to give it to you."

"Thank you." said Pitt.

The man entered the chief's hut.

"So, what's this I hear about the government of Dorajland letting the Cannonballers through with no penalty?" asked Gunn.

"I heard the president is a huge fan of the Cannonball." said Pitt.

"Maybe he'd be interested in running one of your classic cars in the race?" asked Giordino.

"Well, he's gonna have to talk with me first." said Pitt.

"Well, I'm sure we can arrange an audience with him." said Giordino.

The man exited the hut with an artifact similar to the one the NUMA agents had.

"That was easier than I thought it would be." he said. "He said that the artifact is cursed. Soon after it arrived in the village, the first coup occured. After that, it's been a long string of wars and bloodshed all in the name of power."

"Ouch." said Giordino.

"'Ouch' is right." said the man. "The latest man to rise to power is backed up by a man with sinister intentions. They say he is planning the next coup in the country as a start to world domination."

"Please tell me you're kidding." said Gunn.

"I wish I was." said the man. "You've probably heard he's allowing the Cannonballers through without issuing tickets. He's actually just baiting them so they can be captured and held for ransom. Look, the longer you stay here, the more in danger you are. You can go now."

"Thanks." said Pitt.

"Good luck to you, Mr..." said the man. "...I'm sorry, I didn't get your names."

"Dirk Pitt, Al Giordino, and Rudi Gunn." said Pitt. "Speaking of which, we never learned yours."

"It's Clive Cussler." said the man.

"Thanks again." said Pitt as he waved and climbed back into the Panama.

---

Skeeter waited patiently on the phone. Seconds later, Giovanni picked up. "Okay, the last of the tires has been placed." he said. "I must admit that was not a pleasant task. What's next?"

"Okay, I want you to listen carefully." said Skeeter. "First of all, I was the 'idiot' you talked to on the phone earlier. Second of all, someone who doesn't realize that cars need fuel to run shouldn't be commenting on someone else's intelligence."

"Huh?" said Giovanni. "But I..."

"Have a nice day." said Skeeter before hanging up.

---

Elsewhere in Dorajland, Mortimer drove the Wisdom while Bob woke up in the back seat.

"Well, I'm completely rested." said Bob. "I think I can handle my share of the driving duties now."

"Hey, you can go back to sleep if you want." said Mortimer. "Because I am DIGGING this!"

"What's with him all of a sudden?" asked Bob.

"We used another of our devices." said Bella. "It's called the ReNuYuSenso Orb. It can alter a person's aspiration instantly."

"Really?" asked Bob. "Tell me more."

"We used it to change Mortimer from a Knowledge type to a Pleasure type." said Bella. "We can change someone from any type to any other type."

"Can I try it?" asked Bob.

"By all means." said Bella. "Just insert your head into the ring and push the button."

Bob followed Bella's instructions while the Wisdom approached a pair of metal poles.

"What are those things?" asked Mortimer.

"They look like electrical towers without cables." said Bella.

"They look harmless enough." said Mortimer.

Just as Mortimer tried to drive between the poles, a set of laser beams fired from one to the other.

"Mortimer!" yelled Bella.

Mortimer hit the brakes, but still impacted the laser beams.

"Back it up! Back it up!" said Mortimer as he threw the van into reverse.

Bob twitched in the Orb as the van backed out of the beams.

"Are you okay?" asked Bella.

"Yes." said Mortimer. "I'll inspect the damage, you check on Bob."

Mortimer got out and checked the front of the Wisdom. "Damage appears to be kept to a minimum." he said.

"I hear engines." said Bella.

"There must be Cannonballers approaching." said Mortimer. "We have to warn them."

He stood in the road and started waving his hands. Up the road, the Megere and Ambitious drove along.

In the Megere, Darryl still slept.

"I wonder what Darryl dreams about." said Elizabeth.

"I dunno." said David. "Maybe he dreams about talking to dead people and he gains insight from them."

"Maybe." said Elizabeth. "Maybe he dreams about talking with other mediums around the world."

"Possibly." said David. "Maybe he dreams about going on stage at a high school pep rally and dancing."

Elizabeth laughed. "Maybe he dreams of a forest with glass trees." she said.

"In the Ambitious, Buster still played with the Twenty Questions device his sister Lindsey had gotten him."

"I can read you like a book." said Buster as he read the LED screen. "Is it used for recreation?"

"Yes." said Tobias.

Buster pushed the Yes button and read the next question. "Is it hard?"

"Sometimes." said Tobias. Michael shot him a concerned look.

Buster pushed the appropriate button and read the next question. "Does it get wet?"

"Yes, it does." said Tobias. Michael's eyes widened in shock.

"Unlike the toy, Michael didn't need twenty questions to figure out what Tobias was thinking of."

"I will take a guess." said Buster as he read the screen. "Is it a..." he said before yelping and tossing the device into Tobias' lap.

Tobias picked up the toy and looked at the screen. "Hmm, why did it think that?" he asked.

The two cars rounded the turn and the drivers saw Mortimer waving his hands.

Elizabeth screamed as David hit the brakes.

"Brace yourselves!" yelled Michael as he too hit the brakes.

"Michael and Tobias had their seatbelts on, but Buster was unable to fasten his because of his hook. So, he tried to grab onto the closest secure object. Unfortunately, what he grabbed wasn't secure in any sense of the word."

Buster wrapped his arms around the front passenger seat and impaled Tobias' shoulder with his hook. Tobias let out a bloodcurdling scream.

The two cars came to rest safely in front of the laser fence.

"What were you screaming for?" asked David. "You're least likely to be injured in a wreck."

Darryl started to wake up as Elizabeth tried to compose herself.

"Sorry, you alright?" asked David.

"Yeah, just brought back some bad memories." said Elizabeth.

"Meanwhile, Michael found himself trying to undo yet another family member's mess."

"Hold still, Tobias." said Michael as he tried to remove Buster's hook from Tobias' shoulder. "Just hold still and I'll have this out."

"I AM holding still." whined Tobias. "Good grief, Michael. How long can it possibly take to pull it out?"

"Tobias, that's not helping!" snapped Michael. Finally, he was able to remove Buster's hook from the shoulder. "There, it's out. Doesn't that feel good?" asked Michael.

Tobias nodded, then turned around and yelled "Buster, you (bleep)ing (bleep)head (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) son of a (bleep)!"

"Well, excuse me for living!" yelled Buster as he climbed out of the car.

Michael and Tobias climbed out of the Ambitious as well. David and Darryl opened the doors to the Megere and climbed out. Elizabeth, on the other hand, just stood up and walked through the car's bodywork.

"What's going on here?" asked David.

Tobias held his bleeding shoulder and asked "Who wants to take me to the hospital?"

"What's up?" asked Darryl.

"Well, we saw the two poles there." said Mortimer. "And I tried to drive between them, believing them to be safe. Long story short, I've made a huge mistake."

"Hey, he knows Gob's catch phrase!"

"I think someone doesn't want us to be racing through here." said David.

"How can we get through safely?" asked Michael.

"If I recall correctly," said Tobias "two years ago, another field of Cannonballers faced a similar problem. They decided to band together into a convoy for protection and made it through the Asian continent safely."

"That's not actually a bad idea." said Elizabeth.

"I think he's got a point." said Darryl.

"I second that." said Mortimer. "All in favor?"

David, Darryl, Elizabeth, Michael, Tobias, and Buster all raised their hands.

"Fine then, a convoy it is." said Mortimer.

The Cannonballers all returned to their cars. As Mortimer got into the Wisdom, Bella pulled him aside.

"Mortimer, we have a problem with Bob." she said.

"What's that?" asked Mortimer.

"He was using the ReNuYuSenso Orb when we hit the fence." said Bella. "It seems to have had a rather detrimental effect."

"Define 'detrimental'." said Mortimer.

"Does anyone have a grilled cheese?" asked Bob.

"Oh crud." said Mortimer.

---

At a roadside somewhere in Cameroon, Roscoe and the Justices sat in a white 1990 Nissan 300ZX, with a radar gun poised to catch out speeders.

"I ain't so sure about these Japanese cars." Buford said to Banner over their radio. "Are you sure it can do the job?"

"The Euros belonged to one of the most notorious drug barons in San Diego, Buford." Banner said. "He used it to make drug runs and was damn near unstoppable in it."

"So how'd the guy get caught then?" asked Buford in confusion.

"He forgot to fill the gas tank all the way up when moving one shipment across the border from Mexico." Banner replied.

"Figures." Roscoe remarked as Junior kept an eye oon the road. Just then, the Averse roared past them, with Willy at the wheel and the rest of his team cheering loudly.

Junior looked at the readout in shock. "170 miles an hour! They might as well tap us on the shoulder and say 'screw you'!"

Buford smirked as he started the Euros up. "That guy drivin' will find out plenty about bein' screwed when we catch 'im!"

Willy drove the Averse as fast as it would go up a hillside turn when he noticed that the Euros was on their tail.

"That doesn't look good." he commented.

"Maybe we can talk our way out of it." said Charlie.

"With you in the car? And Bill? If they think he's a kid as well, I could get charged with child endangerment for the both of you!" Willy replied.

"Then let's lose them, Willy!" Grandpa Joe cajoled.

"No problem." said Willy as he weaved in and out of some traffic that was on the road ahead of them, with the Euros keeping up.

"Shit! They must have a real Steve McQueen at the wheel!" Roscoe said as Buford weaved around the other cars on the road in an attempt to keep up.

"In that weird outfit he looks like some kind of queen, anyway!" Buford smirked.

"He's still with us, Willy." said Charlie. "Do we have nitrous."

"Yes, but nitrous is for lamers." Willy said. "With me at the wheel, we run on raw power!"

Willy quickly turned the wheel to the right and drove off on a dirt road at high speed. Buford quickly turned the Euros around onto the same road and got after him.

With Willy keeping his foot to the floor, the Averse gained a good bit of ground on the Euros as they sped through the rough country.

The Averse was kicking up a large amount of dust on its' way, which helped a bit.

But Buford was still able to follow over the rough country by tracking the purple Renault's tyre tracks.

"This could be problematic." Grandpa Joe remarked.

Eventually, Willy drove the Averse back onto the highway and weaved through some oncoming traffic as the Euros fought to catch up.

As he swerved around an RV going the same direction he was, the Averse got into an oncoming lane...and saw the Supernova XS coming right at them.

"SHIT!" yelled Marcus at the wheel.

"Oh dear!" said Willy in a casual but concerned way as the two cars were almost on each other.

At the last minute, Willy swerved back into his lane. Just before he did, though, Marcus frantically turned the Supernova's wheel to the left and drove off the highway and off the edge of an embankment.

The orange Plymouth soared several feet in the air with both Marcus and Nick yelling in terror. As the car landed hard on the ground, Nick's gun fell out of their luggage and started firing a few shots. Luckily, none of them hit the two cops, but it did scare them and the windows and roof of the Supernova were shot up.

"Haven't you heard of a safety catch!" Marcus yelled as he brought the Supernova to a stop.

"It's not my fault I wasn't issued a revolver." Nick said sheepishly as the gun ceased firing.

"I think that was Nick and Marcus, Willy!" said Grandpa Joe.

"We'll check on them in a minute." Willy remarked as he saw the Euros in the distance, trying to catch up.

"NOW I think we should use nitrous." said Charlie. Bill nodded in agreement.

"Okay." said Willy as he activated the nitrous boost and shot ahead.

As the shot's effect ceased, Willy saw a farmhouse off to the side of the road. It was a large house and looked like the backyard would hide them perfectly.

"Jackpot!" Willy smirked as he drove off the highway, around the side of the farmhouse and around its back.

Willy shut the engine off and the team watched expectantly.

Sure enough, the Euros roared right past the farmhouse with Buford still keeping his eyes on the road ahead.

"SUMBITCH!" Buford yelled as he had lost sight of Team Wonka.

Roscoe took his hat off and hit the Euros' dashboard with it.

"Unstoppable drug baron my ass!" he said. "Were the Mexicans driving Yugos or something?!"

"Roscoe, shut your damn piehole!" Buford snapped.

"ALRIGHT!" yelled Charlie in triumph.

"I think that calls for a Wonka Double Bubble Burpo Cola." said Willy as he reached into a cooler full of soft drinks.

Bill whispered in Grandpa Joe's ear.

"Bill thinks we should check on Nick and Marcus first." Grandpa Joe reported.

"I guess you have a point there." Willy nodded.

---

The Destroyer sped across the Nubian desert. The Baroness was now at the wheel and enjoying the brief lead she and Destro had gained immensely.

"It's a wonderful feeling to be in the driver's seat when you're close to victory!" She laughed.

"And you handle the situation well, my dear." Destro replied as the Destroyer roared across the terrain at nearly 200 mph.

As they made a sharp turn, the Hitman and the Death Trap pulled out from each side of the road and drove after them.

"Alright! Here we go!" laughed Simon as he activated the guns on the hood of the Hitman and Lidell leaned out his window and fired his pistol.

"Insolent oafs!" the Baroness snarled as she pressed a button on the Destroyer's dashboard.

A protective bulletproof canopy closed over the passenger compartment of the car. The bullets harmlessly deflected off of it.

"HEY! That's cheating!" yelled Digit.

"Then we force 'em off the damn road!" Lidell said as both cars activated their nitrous shots and got right on the Destroyer's back bumper.

"These fools don't know when to give up, my dear Baroness." Destro remarked.

"Then, I shall teach them, my love." the Baroness replied as she sped up the Destroyer and suddenly hung a 180.

The Destroyer started driving backwards down the road, with the front end facing their two pursuers.

"What the hell?" asked Uzi.

The Baroness continued driving backwards, and then suddenly put the car back into drive and aimed for the Hitman's front end.

"SHIT!" yelled Simon as he swerved to avoid a head-on collision. He ended up mounting the side of the road and causing the Hitman to flip over in the air and come crashing down.

The gold Mercury was smashed into junk. While this was happening, Lidell was taken by surprise as well and also was nearly hit by the Destroyer as it drove forwards at great speed. He quickly changed lanes, but ended up hitting the side of the wrecked Hitman.

The Baroness laughed uproariously as she turned a 180 again and drove the Destroyer off through the desert and far away from their would-be pursuers.

"It figures that it would take a person with sophistication to beat you idiots!" she laughed. "Especially a lady! HA, HA, HA!"

"COBRA!" both she and Destro yelled in triumph.

Lidell climbed out of the Death Trap to survey the damage. As he did, Digit angrily ripped the door off the Hitman and he and the other battered Golden Lords climbed out.

Simon glared at Lidell.

"Got any more bright ideas?" he sarcastically asked.

---

Back at the Four Dragons, Blue Falcon, Dynomutt and Batgirl walked along.

"I still think that there should be a security camera outside the vault now." Batgirl said.

"Relax, B.G. With the security we had put in after Catwoman broke in, there ain't no way anyone can break in." Dynomutt said.

"I hope you're right." Batgirl said uncertainly.

As they came to an intersection of corridors, they noticed a female technician removing the cover from an air duct.

"Excuse me?" Blue Falcon asked in surprise.

The technician turned to face them, showing her nametag which read 'Jane Gillis'.

"It's okay, sir." she said. "I'm with the Cool Breeze Air-Con company. We service this hotel."

"You're not the usual technician." Blue Falcon remarked.

"He called in sick." the technician replied. "Luckily, I finished up my job at the Camel's Toe and was able to come over."

"Okay." Falcon nodded. "What's wrong with that duct?"

"Weird smell coming from it, sir." she added. "I think there might be a dead rat in it or something. But I'll handle it."

"Okay. We won't keep you any longer." Batgirl nodded in approval as she and her companions walked away.

As soon as they were out of sight, the technician removed her cap and untied her hair. She revealed herself to be Nightshade.

"Here we go." she smirked as she consulted a pad that Bulletproof had earlier given her and climbed into the vent shaft.

---

The express train that Dick Dastardly and his villains were riding had just passed through the city of Fada in Chad.

Dastardly, Boris, Natasha, Fearless Leader and Snidely all reclined in their seats and enjoyed ice-cold glasses of Chango beer, while Muttley slept at Dastrardly's feet.

"I wonder what Muttley dreams about." Snidely remarked.

"Mostly about being some kind of hero or meeting the female of his breed." Dastardly remarked. "Whatever that is."

"You don't know what breed he is?" asked Natasha as she raised an eyebrow.

"I think he's part bloodhound and part boxer." Dick mused.

"What is he mostly?" asked Boris.

"Bark." replied Dick as he sipped his beer. "Ahhh, wonderful. This hole in the wall bar in Mexico only had warm Chango. It's great to drink it chilled like it was meant to be."

"Is it really wise to be this relaxed?" asked Fearless Leader.

"It's in the bag." Dick replied. "There's no way that gluttonous moron Yogi can beat us like this."

Snidely idly glanced out his window, and then looked shocked.

"Are you sure about that?" he asked.

On a stretch of road running parallel to the train tracks, the Regalo ran at its top speed. Yogi occasionally sent sprays of nitrous into the engine to give the Wacky Racers a brief advantage.

Yogi had an intense but focused look on his face. The rest of the Wacky Racers, however, looked afraid for their lives.

"YOGI! Slow down for Pete's sake! we want to still be alive at the end of the Cannonball!" yelled Ranger Smith, who was as white as a sheet.

"It's okay. I've got this!" Yogi replied.

The rest of Dick's Villains' Society team (except Muttley) were now at the train's window, watching in awe as the Regalo ran for all it was worth.

Dick glanced up ahead of them and smirked.

"He'll not be bothering us for a while. HEHHEHHEHHEH!" he chuckled.

The train came up to a bridge that crossed over a ravine with a long dried-up river at the bottom.

Yogi slammed on the Regalo's brakes as he saw there was no crossing.

Dastardly gave a smirk and a mock salute out of the window.

As he and his villains sat down again, Yogi started the Regalo back up again and went across country to the right of the ravine, keeping one eye fixed on the Regalo's GPS. About two miles down the road, he saw a broken bridge that would have allowed a car to go across if it was complete.

Huckleberry's eyes nearly popped out. "You're not thinkin'..." he began.

"Ah sure am, boy." said Yogi, putting on a Southern accent.

"Are you loco?!" Baba Louie demanded.

"Ever hear of Evel Kneivel?" Yogi asked mischeviously as he backed the Regalo up a bit.

He revved the engine and performed a burnout towards the bridge.

Cindy was unafraid and held up her iPod with the speaker turned on.

"GERONIMO!" Yogi yelled as he hit the nitrous again.

The Regalo soared over the gap in the bridge and landed safely on the other side. Cindy's iPod blared out the 'Star Wars' theme as both she and Yogi whooped with joy as they cleared the gap.

As the Regalo landed on the other side, Yogi turned the steering wheel and followed the route shown by the GPS to catch up with the train.

---

A guide showed a group of tourists around the Four Dragons. She had just lead them up to the corridor leading to the vault.

"As you may know, the Four Dragons is hosting the Cannonball Run this year." she said cheerily. "That vault there is where the prize money is being kept for this year. I know you've heard that a theft was attempted if you were watching on TV. But the system has been updated and it is now impossible to gain entry."

Toulour was among the group and had hung a camera around his neck to look more like a tourist.

"Is there a regular security patrol?" he asked.

"Yes there is. And as you can see, outside the vault we have both a pressure pad floor and infrared beams." the guide said. "It takes a special keycard to deactivate them. And needless to say, I'm not letting you know how the inside of the vault is protected."

The guests laughed in good humour, including Toulour as he kept his act up. He was already trying to spot weak points in the security measures.

A little way behind him, David Dunn kept his eye on him, making sure he wouldn't try anything.

Neither of them knew that above them in the air vents, Nightshade had been crawling through. She had already taken note of the security measures outside the vault and was now in a different section of vent inside the vault itself.

Using special goggles, she took note of more infrared beams surrounding the huge pile of money. The money was being held in place by a huge, thick titanium bar which had been locked over the mound of money. She saw that there was a pressure pad floor in the vault as well.

"Somebody certainly wanted to make my job interesting." she mused to herself. "I think I know how to move the money to the secure location now. I just hope an opportunity arises."

---

On a highway between Wau and Juba in the Southern Sudan, Shrek drove the Licorne fast down the highway while wearing the Fury mask.

Fiona was in the passenger seat and had the window open, enjoying the wind blowing in her hair.

"Thank God there's no sand blowing in here yet." Donkey mumbled.

Shrek suddenly looked a bit unsettled about something. "Team, I'm getting that feeling that danger is near yet again." he announced.

"What is it, Capitan?" asked Puss.

The team heard the roar of a heavily horsepowered diesel engine and a loud air horn.

Donkey looked behind them and saw the HARV coming up behind them, with the PALM soldiers ready to attack.

"I think that's them." he gulped.

At the wheel of the HARV, the driver spoke into a radio connected to Goliath.

"(Cannonballers in sight, Mr. Knight. We are going on the offensive now!)" he announced.

"(Take them alive. I want hostages to draw Michael Knight out.)" Garthe replied.

"(Understood.)" the driver replied. "(Over and out.)"

The driver pressed the button on the dashboard that sounded an alarm and the PALM soldiers in the rear and on the roof took up their positions at their weapons.

"Aw, hell no!" Donkey groaned as the cannon above the HARV's cockpit was trained on them.

"Darling, time to activate defence procedures!" Shrek said stoicly.

"Right!" nodded Fiona. "Puss, you get in beside the captain and get the driver side door."

"With pleasure, princess!" Puss said as he climbed in beside Shrek and opened the driver-side door out a bit. Fiona did the same with the passenger-side door.

Both of them pressed down on the door-lock knobs and secret panels opened up in the two doors showing hidden guns.

Fiona and Puss pressed hidden triggers on the door handles and started to open fire on the HARV as it tried to ram them from behind.

Shrek had hit a button on the dashboard and kevlar plates had closed over the rear windows of the Licorne.

Donkey smirked a bit. "Nice job Skeeter did. A little bit 007 and a little bit A-Team."

The PALM soldiers on the HARV concentrated heavy fire on the Licorne from their assault rifles and from the gun mounted above the cockpit. Some damage was inflicted on the Licorne but not much.

"(Take those bastards out!)" The PALM C.O. yelled.

"(What does it look like we're doing?!)" one soldier yelled back.

"(Everybody back inside! Let's see how they like the cannon.)" the C.O. replied. He flicked a switch and the radiator of the HARV opened up to reveal a combination minigun and mortar cannon. The rest of the soldiers climbed back in through their hatches as their commander initiated the attack.

Shrek used the powers of Fury to move the Licorne around the road with cat-like reflexes to avoid the fire coming from the cannon.

"YEAH! How d'ya like them apples, ya Road Warrior rejects!" Donkey yelled in triumph as the HARV started to take strong damage from the Licorne's door guns.

The HARV attempted to ram them again but Shrek moved the old Nissan around to the HARV's left side again so Fiona could concentrate fire on its' tyres.

"(See how you like this, vermin!)" one soldier smirked as he and his comrade leaned out the side hatch as Fiona's half-open door came up beside them.

Before she could fire, one of them threw a smoke grenade onto the road. The smoke temporarily blinded Fiona and then the two PALM soldiers reached in, undid her seatbelt and yanked her into the HARV.

"HEY!" Fiona yelled.

Shrek looked furious. "NOBODY MESSES WITH MY WOMAN!" he boomed. as he moved over to the passenger side.

"Donkey, take the wheel!" Puss yelled. "I've got the pedals!"

"Finally, I get in on some action!" Donkey smirked as he climbed in the front and took the wheel.

"Closer! Closer!" Shrek said warily as Donkey moved the Licorne closer to the HARV.

When it was close enough, Shrek jumped from the Licorne into the HARV. As he pulled the side hatch shut behind him, he signalled for Puss and Donkey to back off.

As the Licorne backed off, the HARV began to swerve wildly all over the road. As Puss and Donkey watched, large dents started to appear in the armoured body of the HARV. The dents were made from inside.

Eventually, the HARV drifted over to the side of the road and made a complete stop.

Puss and Donkey brought the Licorne to a halt next to it.

"CAPTAIN! PRINCESS!" yelled Donkey.

The side hatch of the HARV was pushed open. Both Shrek and Fiona stood in the doorway, each holding an unconscious PALM soldier. As Donkey and Puss looked at the interior of the PALM attack vehicle they saw that all of the soldiers had been beaten to a pulp and knocked out by Captain Fury and Fiona.

"Thanks for the help, honey." Fiona said as she leaned over and gave Shrek a peck on the cheek. "But I had it under control. These creeps needed taught how to treat a lady."

Shrek looked at the soldier he was holding and saw the PALM emblem on his uniform.

"I think Michael Knight said something about this outfit." he said. "Get on the horn and call him. And Richard and those other V.S.S.E. guys as well. We may need them."

"Roger!" said Donkey as he returned to the Licorne. As he did, he heard a hissing noise. Concerned, he looked at the Licorne's hood.

"Um, Shrek. We may have to call Brock as well." Donkey said sheepishly.

"Why?" asked Shrek.

Donkey used his hoof to point to the Licorne's hood. The rest of Team Fury went over to it and saw that a few stray bullets had actually penetrated the hood...and had done damage to the engine. It was now starting to steam. Some fluid was leaking from the radiator as well.

"Santa Maria!" Puss groaned as he palmed his forehead.

"CAPTAIN!" groaned Fiona.

"Well, nobody's perfect." shrugged Shrek.

---

Back in Cameroon, Team Wonka checked on Nick and Marcus.

Currently, Marcus screamed his head off at Willy.

"Easy! I just wanted to know if you were okay." Willy said in a placating tone.

"NO, I'M NOT OKAY!" Marcus yelled. "ARE YOU CRAZY WITH WHAT YOU DID BACK THERE?"

"You didn't have to go off the road. I got back into my lane in plenty of time." Willy said.

"BULLSHIT!" Marcus yelled. "I know time! We would've had a head-on collision."

"Well, we didn't, did we?" asked Grandpa Joe.

"That's not the point!" Marcus yelled. "Our car could've been wrecked. There was a mishap with my partner's gun..."

"MARCUS! Calm the hell down!" Nick said. "They came back to check if we were okay and apologised, so I think we should cut them some slack."

Marcus took a couple of deep breaths and raised a hand.

"OKay. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Willy." Marcus said. "But please be careful in the future, okay?"

"No problem." said Willy. "Charlie, do you want to take over for a while?"

"Sure. It'll be great to see some action at last." said Charlie as he climbed into the Averse's driver seat.

"Hey, Charlie. I know this is a race but try and watch your speed." said Nick. "I'm just a bit worried about the car getting its speed into triple digits with a minor behind the wheel."

"Okay. I'll try and keep it in the high 90s." Charlie smirked.

"Right." said Marcus, uneasily.

---

In the Northern Sudan, DeMarco angrily finished taking a call from Lidell explaning his failure.

"Typical. Those idiots bungled it!" DeMarco growled as he closed his cellphone in disgust.

He turned his attention to Stingray, Charger, and AMX who stood outside a small bar.

"I hope you guys can make a difference now you've finally got here." DeMarco added.

"You can count on us, sir." said AMX.

Yuri noted the Camaro parked nearby. "Where's your fourth guy?"

"He had to use the bathroom." said Stingray as she nodded towards the bar.

Just then, a 2007 Saleen S281 Extreme police cruiser drove up. Mr. Chairman looked a bit confused, mainly because the motto on the cruiser read 'To Punish and Enslave' rather than 'To Protect and Serve'.

Dr. Badvibes climbed out of the cruiser.

"Report." DeMarco stated.

"I have two valuable pieces of equipment here that will be of aid to us in the foreseeable future." said Badvibes. He made a grand gesture to the passenger side of the cruiser.

"Here is one of them." he announced triumphantly.

The cruiser's passenger-side door opened and the cruiser raised up, indicating that someone...or something...very heavy was getting out.

DeMarco, Chairman, Yuri and the three Killer Cars stared in awe as a seven-foot tall robot with glowing red eyes and a Frankenstein-shaped head climbed out and let out a low roar.

"Meet the A.B.C. Robot." Badvibes remarked. "Strong, obedient, ruthless, just like the Wasp Droids but with a bit more oomph."

"Can it handle itself?" asked Chairman.

"Watch and learn." Badvibes smirked.

The A.B.C. Robot marched over to the parked Camaro. It immediately started to pound the car with its massive fists, using great speed despite its apparent sluggishness. Within seconds, the Camaro had been reduced to scrap metal. The robot made a fist with its right hand and a group of small gunports opened up behind its knuckles.

The robot growled in triumph as it fired a hail of bullets into the remains of the Camaro, reducing it to a flaming hulk.

"Impressive." smirked Yuri.

Camaro came rushing out of the bar. "I heard gunfire. What'd I miss?"

He then noticed what was left of his car and the A.B.C. Robot standing over it triumphantly.

"Oh my God!" he yelled, starting to burst into tears.

"Looks like you'll be riding with me, buddy." Charger said in a commiserating way.

"What's the other piece of equipment?" asked DeMarco.

"The cop car, here. It has a nice little secret." Badvibes remarked.

"Less of the 'it', human! And it's not so 'nice' either!" growled an aggressive, mechanical-sounding voice.

Everyone looked stunned as it seemed to come from the police cruiser.

"You are shitting me." DeMarco said, stunned. "You actually found one!"

"Indeed yes." Badvibes grinned.

"One what?" asked Chairman.

"You'll soon see." DeMarco chuckled. "The Cannonballers are as good as toast now!" He laughed uproariouisly with malice.

---

The Detector drove through the Tibesti Mountains in Northern Chad. As Dylan drove her team past a lay-by at legal speeds (due to the danger of the mountains) the Evenflow sat waiting.

As the Detector passed her, Victoria smiled and pressed a button on her dashboard.

From a nozzle on her radiator, a gel-like substance was shot out and hit the rear fender of the Detector, almost as if the Evenflow had 'sneezed' on the Detector. Team Angels didn't notice it. Nor did they notice that tiny signal bulbs were flashing in the gel.

Victoria picked up her CB. "Banner, the tracker gel is in place on a Cannonballer's car. You should be viweing their progress and speed now."

"That's a roger, Ms. Crown." Banner replied.

"I'm going after them. I'll stick to them like glue." Victoria added. "The minute they start ignoring speed limit signs, you'll know. You can send back-up now if you want."

"Perfect. We'll nail their asses to the wall this time!" Banner gloated as the Evenflow started up and followed the Detector.

---

As the Rumor crossed into the Central African Republic, Lazlow interviewed Dom and Brian.

"Has the race been going well for you guys so far?" asked Lazlow. "I have a feeling that a challenge like this would be a walk in the park for a team of seasoned street racers like you."

"Well, it's been a bit boring in places I admit." said Dom. "We're hoping some action can pick up now. Especially now we've got a full supply of NOS."

"You'll never let me forget that, will ya?!" snapped Vince as he slammed shut a laptop he was looking at in the back seat.

"Easy, bro. Don't break the laptop." said Brian.

"I would rather have broken it than see what I just saw!" Vince snarled.

"What's the prob, Vince?" asked Lazlow.

"Well, let's see." Vince began angrily. "I've been humiliated and chewed out at just about every turn in this Cannonball so far, and just there I watched the fifth movie in that franchise based on our adventures on Netflix."

"Oh, right." said Lazlow, understandingly. "For what it's worth, I hated that the movie killed you off as well."

"Oh, gee, thanks!" snapped Vince. "Everybody is using me as their dumping ground so far! Road crews! Asshole greasers! These guys who I'm supposed to call friends! It's making me insane!"

"VINCE! Chill the hell out!" Dom said. He reached into a cooler on the floor and pulled out a bottle of Corona.

"Here. See if this helps. You're not on driving detail for a while so you can have it." Dom said as he handed the beer to Vince.

"And if it helps as well, guys, here is the Bloodhound Gang with what they call 'some relaxing music'." said Lazlow.

The band were set up to play.

"This one goes out especially to Vince on Team Furious." said Jared.

"And here we go." said Jimmy. He started the song off by making some weird noises.

"Son of a bitch." grumbled Vince as he recognised the song when Jimmy sang the first line in a mock 'retarded' voice.

Why is everybody always pickin' on me?

As Vince angrily drank his beer, the song continued. Jimmy sang the main vocal and Jared sang the back-up (the lines in parentheses).

The morn' that I was born my old man beat up the doctor.
He clocked the doctor cause the doctor said I looked like Chewbacca.
The doctor said sir you're misled sir which infers you mistook me.
I did not mean your lovely wife was shackin' up with a wookiee.

What I mean is Wolverine is less hairy than your son.
He's looks like Chewie (Baba Booey, Baba Booey) and Hong Kong Phooey all in one.
To put it mild your new-born child's completely nutty fu-fu lookin'.
I'd shove him back into the oven until he is done cookin'.

But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause my fifteen year-old cousin has less acne)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause you've got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause you're white but you got a nose like Bill Cosby)

Why's everbody always pickin' on me?
Always pickin' and rippin' apart poor ol' Jimmy Pop Ali.
I got a schnozz like the 'Cos' but there's a lot more wrong with you.
So back me up Bill (yeah and you're ugly too).

So what if I brush my teeth with a piece of cheddar cheese.
Or wear a fishnet shirt by Chams with my Sergio Valenti jeans.
And my mirror never lies but it always verifies.
I've got more cheese and pepperoni than a homemade pizza pie.

You compare me to a Monchichi but I don't understand.
Why I'm scorned like I'm deformed (like the Elephant Man).
And yeah I took my mom to the prom but hey, she asked me first.
But at least this time I didn't find my date in the back of a hearse.

About as popular with the girls as Engelbert Humperdinck.
And that might be 'cause everybody calls me Shrinky Dink.
I know I'm known as Polaroid, I'm not a total retard.
It's cause I'm done in sixty seconds and you'll still want it enlarged.

But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause you run like a girl and you sit down to pee)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(You took your mom to the prom but still got lucky)

Like that episode where Gilligan gets sick of being teased.
And he breaks into the Professor's lab and makes some LSD.
Peaks, freaks and eats the Skipper's brains then beats Ginger with coconuts.
As Mr. Howell and Lovey burn alive inside their grass hut.

Oh, he'll kill again that Gilligan, they should've let him be.
And like a postal clerk I'll go beserk if you don't stop teasing me.
See the trick is only pick on those that can't do you no harm.
Like the drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.

The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.
The drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm.

But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause my fifteen year-old cousin has less acne)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Ain't brushed them teeth since 1983)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause you've got the grooming habits of a chimpanzee)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?.
(Cause you're white but you got a nose like Bill Cosby)

But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause ya wore velour flares until the late Eighties)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause you run like a girl and you sit down to pee)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause your only school chum was the lunch lady)
But why's everbody always pickin' on me?
(Cause no one likes you, monkey boy)

-'Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me' by the Bloodhound Gang.

As the band finished, Vince angrily gave the finger with both hands into Team Furious' camera.

"Oh, how witty." Lazlow sarcastically said.

"Well, the song wasn't much more mature." Veronica said.

---

The Doomsayer and Utopia entered Dorajland.

"Well, if it isn't that plumber and that little hedgehog." said the Drake.

"Don't underestimate them." said Ron. "I've seen you make that mistake before."

"When did you see that?" asked Venom. "Sounds like something I'd like to know."

"Hey, it's-a that rich guy." said Luigi.

"Mario, are we going to let him beat us to the next country?" asked Sonic.

"Not on my watch." said Mario. "Let's-a go!"

The two cars accelerated and raced through the twisty roads.

"He's good for someone who works on pipes for a living." said the Drake.

"He's good for someone who lounges around for fun." said Mario.

"We can beat him." said Tails. "We can LOOK OUT!"

Two tanks were parked across the road ahead. The Utopia and the Doomsayer spun out and narrowly avoided hitting the tanks. After the dust settled, a group of soldiers approched the cars.

"Who are these guys?" asked the Drake.

"I don't know." said Ron. "Look, I'm fully trained in several forms of defense techniques, I've got enough bodyguard certificates to snap a Christmas tree. But I have to say, and I'm sure this goes for everyone in this car, that I am scared! In fact, I'm barely holding my fudge right now."

"Quit whining like a goddamned schoolgirl and pull yourself together, Ron." growled Venom.

"At least someone in this car has the balls to say what's really going on." said the Drake.

"Sonic, what's going on?" asked Tails.

"I don't know, Tails." said Sonic. "I don't like the looks of it."

One of the soldiers tapped the car's window. "You're coming with us." he said. "Someone very high up wants to see you."

---

High above Dorajland, a cargo plane flew. Rico stood in the back with Sheldon.

"The nation of Dorajland was founded a mere three weeks ago." briefed Sheldon. "Not surprising, considering the employee turnover of your ordinary African country."

"So, what makes this one not so ordinary?" asked Rico.

"The new head of the military." said Sheldon as he handed over a picture of a bald man with a moustache. "Recognize him?"

"Yes, this man is known as Kane, no relation to Maria." said Rico. "He's in charge of a terrorist group called the Brotherhood of Nod."

"We believe his group is the new military force of Dorajland." said Sheldon. "We want you to enter the country and find this out for us."

"And if he is, I assume you want me to eliminate the threat." said Rico.

"You catch on quickly, Rico." said Sheldon. "You've got your equipment?"

"Got all I need." said Rico as he showed off his twin pistols in their holsters, then pulled a gun with a grappling hook out of his belt.

"Alright, good luck." said Sheldon.

The loading ramp on the plane opened and Rico jumped out.

---

At the Dorajland Presidential Palace, Mario, the Drake, and their teams were led into the president's office.

"Move it, yuppie scum." said a guard as he jammed the Drake in the back with a gun.

"Is this the first time you've been kidnapped?" asked Ron.

"Yes." said Sonic.

"It's our third." said Ron.

"Well, let-a me know how it goes." said Luigi as he turned to leave. Venom grabbed his arm.

The president sat in a chair facing away from them.

"You are the Cannonballers?" he asked.

"We are." said Mario. "We were-a under the impression that-a we were allowed to race through."

"That's correct." said the Drake. "We were told there would be no tickets issued."

"Mr. Mario is absolutely correct." said the president.

"How do you know his name?" asked Tails.

"Because I raced against him..." said the president as he turned to face them "...two years ago. How you doing, guys?"

"Jarod!" said Sonic. "Wassup?"

"Wassup?" asked Jarod. "Oh, it's 'what's up' slightly modified."

"Who is this guy?" asked Ron.

"Guys, meet Jarod." said Sonic. "He's a pretender. He can pick up expert skills almost instantly."

"Must feel pretty normal at Halloween." said Venom.

"You're not too far off, my scruffy friend." said Jarod.

"Well, what are you-a doing here?" asked Mario.

"After the race two years ago," said Jarod "I started kicking around. Eventually, I wound up here while a major coup d'etat was underway. I helped take part in the uprising and before I knew it, I was mistaken for the leader and named president. Biggest pretend ever."

"Oh, I get it." said the Drake. "Dorajland. 'Doraj' is Jarod spelled backwards."

"I was waiting for someone to notice that." said Jarod.

"Are we going to be here much longer?" asked Luigi.

"No, I just wanted to see who was running." said Jarod. "You guys can go."

"Alright!" yelled Tails.

"However, I would like it that you attend a rally in my honor." said Jarod. "It won't take long. You should be back on the road in about ten minutes."

"I suppose we can do that." said Ron.

"Okay, you guys go on ahead." said Jarod. "I have to meet with someone."

The two teams left the room. Jarod followed them, but went further down the hall to another room.

"The rally is taking place soon." said Jarod.

"I know." said the man in the room. "My forces are already there."

"Look, there's something else." said Jarod. "I was going over the list of presidential decrees and I found something I never okayed. Namely, it's the laser fences you've been installing across the country."

"I'm just doing my part for national security." said the man, who looked exactly like the man in Rico's picture. "Those laser fences are what's keeping the rebels in check."

"I know that, Mr. Kane." said Jarod. "It's just that your measures seem a little extensive, maybe overkill. Now, maybe your security forces think they can do whatever they want, but there is a chain of command here. The office of the President is the head of this creature while the office of National Security is but an appendage. This is just the head saying to that appendage 'Wassup?'"

Kane pondered his words, then said "I'll tell you what. Why don't you bring your head down to my appendage and I'll show you wassup?"

"Very well." said Jarod.

---

99 was at the wheel of the Detector as it sped through Bangui, the capital of the Central African Republic.

"Gas station coming up." she said to the Angels. "Let's hope we don't get a crooked attendant this time."

"Yeah." laughed Natalie.

As 99 turned the car around a corner to enter the gas station at high speed, she suddenly turned pale and braked.

Parked at the gas station were the Evenflow, Starbreaker, and Jawbreaker.

Banner, Bender, Victoria, Bullock, and Montoya all had their guns trained on the Detector.

"OUT OF THE CAR! NOW!" yelled Banner at Team Angels.

"Shit!" chorused the Angels.

"Hang on!" said 99 as she quickly reversed the Detector and roared off down the road at high speed.

"Oh no, you don't!" Bullock smirked as he and the others got into their vehicles and took off after them.

"I'm still trackin' them." said Montoya as she looked at a display that showed the route the Detector was taking thanks to the tracker gel Victoria had placed earlier.

"At least it works." said Bender in the Starbreaker.

"Of course it does. It's because of that gel we knew those little bitches would be coming this way." Banner replied. "Now drive faster!"

The Detector drove along a bridge. 99 kept focused as she weaved in and out of traffic with great skill.

When she got ahead of the main group of traffic, the Detector entered a tunnel. As they drove down in and reached a fork in the road between two opposing lanes for traffic, a couple of local police cars came out of the oncoming lane tunnel.

99 kept the Detector going on the road leading to the south end of the tunnel, but the two cop cars performed 180s around the fork from the North-bound lane and took off after them.

"Just give me an opening." 99 grumbled to herself as she saw Banner's team and their cars joining the two local cop cars.

As 99 shifted gears and got far enough ahead, she activated the nitrous in the Detector and they shot ahead at high speed.

As they came out the other end of the tunnel, there was a sharp turn at the bottom of a cliff face.

99 only saw it at the last minute and turned wildly, causing the Detector to spin out and come to a halt.

"Crud." Dylan mumbled as 99 desperately tried to restart the stalled engine.

"Come on, baby. Come on." 99 mumbled as the engine refused to turn over.

As she tried one last time, Banner's unit and the local cops exited the tunnel.

One cop car parked right in front of the Detector's front grille, while the other parked at its rear fender.

Bender drove the Starbreaker up against the right side doors of the car, and the left side doors were pressed against the cliff face with nowhere to go.

Banner smugly climbed out of the Starbreaker as 99 sheepishly tried one last time to start the engine.

He let out a light chuckle, walked over the the window of the Detector and flashed his badge.

"You can quit cranking the car now, lady. You're under arrest." he said in a smug tone.

99 sighed and dropped her forehead into the steering wheel, causing the horn to go off.

"And you just added noise pollution to the rap sheet." Banner smirked.

---

Ethan and Snake pulled up to a clearing and climbed out of the Espion.

"I'll say one thing about that charger." said Snake. "It may give us a lot of power, but it sure contributes to overheating."

Ethan opened the hood and said "I think we're going to have to run it sparingly from now on."

"I think it's putting a drain on the battery too." said Snake. "We may need to give it a rest."

"You're going to be giving it a rest alright!" said Camaro as he and Charger jumped out of their car.

"The race ends for you right here." said Charger.

"Let's see you give this a..." said Ethan as he and Snake went for their guns.

Camaro and Charger had theirs out first. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." said Camaro.

"This isn't over yet." said Snake.

"Oh, where are you going to get help?" asked Charger. "Is it just going to fall out of the sky?"

Suddenly, Rico landed feet-first on Charger's back, knocking him down. He released his parachute and drew his twin handguns.

"What the..." said Camaro.

Ethan and Snake drew their guns. "Who's our savior?" asked Snake.

"Guys, don't you recognize me?" asked Rico.

"Oh yeah." said Ethan. "Aren't you that guy from those El Pollo Loco commercials?"

"No." said Rico. "Think Agency. Think San Esperito."

"No way." said Snake. "Rico Rodriguez?"

"That's the one, amigo." said Rico.

"What are you doing here?" asked Ethan.

"I'll explain once we get out of here." said Rico. "Get to your car."

"Right." said Snake as he and Ethan ran for their car.

As Snake and Ethan raced off, Rico kept his guns trained on Camaro.

"You realize you're not getting out of here without a fight." said Camaro.

"I was almost counting on it." said Rico.

Charger then lifted his leg and kicked Rico in the back of his ankle, knocking him down.

Charger got back up and said "Looks like you're down to no chips."

Rico got back to his feet and drew his grapple gun.

"What the hell is that?" asked Camaro.

"Oh this?" asked Rico. "This is just a grapple gun. I use this for latching onto building ledges and nearby trees. See?"

He fired the grapple gun at a nearby tree and pulled a branch out.

"Nice." said Charger.

"Know what else I use it for?" asked Rico as the Tempest approached. "I like to use it to latch onto the rear bumpers of cars for my favorite activity: parasailing."

As the Tempest drove by, Rico turned and shot the rear bumper with the grapple gun. As soon as he had a connection, he pulled the ripcord for his emergency chute and flew into the air. By the time Camaro and Charger could aim at him, he was already out of range.

---

99 and the Angels sat in an interrogation room at a police station. Banner walked in and said "Just what did you think you were doing out there?"

"I don't know." said Dylan as she pointed to 99. "She was looking at the speedometer."

"Sarcasm, huh?" asked Banner. "Well, let's see how sarcastic you can be when you're facing charges for multiple traffic violations."

"Um, it has come to my attention that you have no jurisdiction in this country." said Alex. "So, I seriously doubt that a series of minor moving violations merit this level of police attention."

"Sure, it starts with a series of moving violations." said Banner. "Then it escalates and escalates until you're selling your children to fund your drinking habits!"

"Uh, what?" asked a very confused Natalie.

"Anyways, it's all over for you." said Banner. "We've recently spoken with Mr. Townsend and he is not pleased with this development. He doesn't like the negative publicity brought by this incident and has come down here personally. He has agreed to take the four of you home under the condition that we don't pursue charges."

"But we have a race to run." said 99.

"Not anymore." said Banner.

"You're lying." said Dylan. "Charlie is too reclusive to come out here himself."

"His presence says otherwise." said Banner. "And here comes Mr. Townsend right now."

A man entered the room and said "Hello, Angels."

Minutes later, the five of them walked out of the police station.

"Thanks for getting us out of that." said Alex.

"Not a problem." said the man.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Natalie.

"Sure." said the man.

"Who are you?" asked Natalie.

"Oh, sorry." said the man. "I'm 99's partner, Maxwell Smart."

"Oh, thank God." said Alex.

"Charlie doesn't know about the incident." said Maxwell. "In fact, he's not really concerned about the charges you're required to rack up in the Cannonball. I'm just here to get you back on the road faster."

"Hey, Max." said 99. "Want to come with us?"

"I was hoping you'd ask." said Max.

---

In a clearing somewhere, Ethan and Snake came to a stop.

"Looks like those hired guns are still in this." said Ethan.

"Yeah." said Snake. "I hope Rico's alright."

"Sure he is." said Ethan as he saw Rico gliding to the gorund. "Here he comes now."

Rico landed and retracted his parachute. Ethan and Snake ran over to join him.

"What are you doing here?" asked Snake.

"I'm on assignment." said Rico. "It turns out that the head of Dorajland's national security is none other than the leader of the Brotherhood of Nod."

"Wait, Kane is in charge of Dorajland's security?" asked Ethan.

"That can't be very good." said Snake.

"It's not." said Rico. "Luckily, I was able to invite some friends to the party."

A pair in a red '89 Miata pulled into the clearing. The car was equipped with an Extreme Dimensions Wisdom body kit and M-Speed spoiler and black Enkei Tenjin rims.

"Here's a couple of them now." said Rico.

A man with a brown mullet climbed out of the driver's seat. A woman with brown, eighties style hair climbed out of the passenger seat.

"Rico!" said the man.

"MacGruber, so glad you could join us!" said Rico.

"I know these two." said Snake. "Meet MacGruber and Vicki St. Elmo."

"I see you still haven't forgotten our operation in Molvania." said Vicki.

"No matter how hard I try." said Snake.

"These guys are going to be working with us?" asked Ethan.

"Until Nod has taken off." said Rico.

"So, that's everybody." said Snake.

"Not yet." said Rico. "There's still someone else we've invited."

A black 1988 Pontiac Fiero with yellow lighting graphics pulled into the clearing. A V8 Archie widebody kit and Warber hood adorned the car. The rims were chrome ADR Decadence wheels.

"Is he a coke dealer?" asked Ethan.

The Fiero parked and a man who bore a striking resemblance to Dominic climbed out.

"Dominic?" asked Snake.

"Who?" asked the man.

"Guys, this is Xander Cage." said Rico. "He's part of the 'Triple X' program, like the racer Marcus."

"Oh." said Ethan. "You see, there's this guy in the race who looks just like you."

"Yeah, you could be twins." said Snake.

"Oh, you mean Dominic Toretto." Xander said as he realised what they meant. "Well, it just happens that we look like each other. But Toretto's a guy I've always admired. You see, I used to have hair but after Dom became world famous, I shaved it off so I could look like him."

"Talk about fan worship." said MacGruber.

"Okay, let's get going." said Rico.

---

"It has come to our attention that the Licorne has been disabled due to a combat situation." said Brock as he paced his office. "I think it goes without saying that other vehicles are about to take some serious damage through battle. They are also going to need some kind of backup. At first, I was going to look over the qualifications of the mechanics to see which one would be the best choice. Then I remembered that little stunt you pulled with Team Rocket! Despite who it was, I'm not terribly pleased with you, Skeeter!"

"It was worth it." said Skeeter.

"I'd like to see how long you can keep that attitude." said Brock. "As punishment, you will be sent into Africa to protect the Cannonballers from the Brotherhood of Nod."

"I've got combat experience from the gas wars of the seventies." said Skeeter.

"Be careful out there." said Brock. "These guys aren't just a group of mercenaries in weaponized cars."

"Got it." said Skeeter.

---

Team Angels had just recovered the Detector from the local impound yard and had now met up with Max just outside the police station. He stood next to a light purple '92 Dodge Stealth. Also with him was a dark-haired man in a grey suit with a strangely blank look on his face.

"Okay, you girls all set to get going?" Max asked.

"You bet we are." said Dylan. "Who's your friend?"

"My name's Hymie." the other man announced.

"Hymie?" Alex asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"His father's name was Hymie." Max said defensively.

"Actually, it's an acronym." 99 spoke up. "It stands for HYbrid Mechanical Intelligent Entity. He's an advanced robot who works for CONTROL."

"He's very good-looking." Natalie said in a slightly flirty tone.

"Thank you." smiled Hymie.

"Me and Hymie are riding in the Alpha here." said Max, nodding at the Stealth. "We'll be sure to keep any nasties or cops off your tails."

"Well, don't be thinking you'll be our knight in armour, pal." Dylan said. "I wouldn't be surprised if we end up saving your ass."

"Hey, don't be mean." Natalie said as she nudged Dylan.

"I think we should get going." Alex said.

"Okay, let's take off." 99 smiled.

Hymie suddenly started to flap his arms like wings.

"No, Hymie. That's not what she meant." said Max as he stopped Hymie from flapping his arms. "She means we should start racing."

"Sorry, Max." Hymie said, a bit sheepishly.

"I thought Bruce fixed that glitch that made Hymie take things literally." 99 said.

"He thinks that something was knocked out of place when the race route was being programmed in." Max said.

"Oh boy." sighed Alex.

---

Jarod walked into the office of National Security. "Mr. Kane?" he said. "Are you ready to explain the actions taken by your office?"

Kane pushed a button on his desk and the door closed behind Jarod.

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Jarod.

"This is the meaning." said Kane. "When you happened upon my forces locked in battle with the previous administration's army, did you really think that I was attempting to overthrow a corrupt government for the good of the people?"

Jarod gulped.

"The Brotherhood is dedicated to one thing and one thing only." said Kane. "That is to unite the nations of the third world into a major power. In doing so, we shall be poised for our ultimate goal: world domination."

"You're a terrorist group." said Jarod.

"One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter." said Kane. "I only agreed to your decree for safe passage for the Cannonballers because I knew that it would result in a large number of potential hostages or allies. All I have to do is seal the borders once all of the Cannonballers are in the country."

"Your plan won't succeed." said Jarod. "Just ask any of the madmen who faced them before."

"Ah, but my plan is about to succeed." said Kane. "In fact, it's about to succeed a little earlier. If you hadn't gone over my plans just now, you could have gone on your merry way leading this country as a puppet ruler, never realizing the plans unfolding behind your back. Instead, I am forced to put my plan into action a little earlier. And that...is...wassup."

A soldier entered the room. "You wanted to see me, sir?" he asked.

"Yes, the President needs some alone time." said Kane. "Take him to the prison. He has a room waiting for him there."

"Yes, sir." said the soldier. He marched over and grabbed Jarod.

"This is not over." said Jarod.

"Be glad." said Kane. "When it's over, you're dead."

The solder took Jarod out of the office. Kane picked up a radio and said "This is Kane. It's on."

---

Team Mario and Team Drake left the presidential palace and found themselves on the parade grounds where they'd parked.

"Now this looks like a rally." said Tails.

"I think we can stop racing for a bit and take some time to enjoy this." said The Drake.

"Hey, look!" said Mario. "It's a marching band!"

"Hey, it's the Cannonballers!" said the leader of the marching band. "How's the racing so far?"

"Hasn't been boring." said Luigi.

"Do you have any requests?" asked the band leader.

"Here's one." said Venom. "'Never Surrender' by Lion."

"Very well." said the band leader.

The band started to play a soft, sweet melody. Venom looked perplexed. The band leader started to sing.

Just a little more time is all we're asking for.
'Cause just a little more time could open closing doors.

"Hold it, hold it, hold it!" said Venom.

The band stopped playing.

"What was that?" asked Venom.

"You requested 'Never Surrender'." said the band leader.

"By Lion." said Venom. "That was Corey Hart."

The band looked confused.

"Hang on." said Venom. "Somebody have a guitar?"

Someone threw him a guitar. He caught it and walked to the front of the band.

"Follow my lead." he said. He started to play.

A hungry heart.
Keeps me going strong.
It gives me strength.
When things are going all wrong.

All my life.
I've been searching for the sun.
Now like a thief in the night.
I've got nowhere to run.

But I'll never surrender.
No, I'll never give it up.
Without a fight.

I made a vow.
That I would never stop.
To keep the faith.
And take it right to the top.

All the way.
That's the only way to go.
Won't ever give up the fight.
Cause I'd die just to show.

That I'll never surrender.
No, I'll never give it up.
Without a fight.
And I'll always remember.
How it feels to have to.
Bring your dreams to life.

A hungry heart.
Keeps me going strong.
It gives me strength.
When things are going all wrong.

I'll never surrender.
No, I'll never give it up.
Without a fight.
And I'll always remember.
How it feels to have to.
Bring your dreams to life.

Alright!

Never surrender.
When your back's against the wall.
Never surrender.
When you feel you lost it all.
Never surrender.
When you've got no place to go.
Never Surrender.

No! Never Surrender.
Never Surrender.
Never Surrender.

-"Never Surrender" by Lion.

Venom tossed the guitar back to the person who threw it to him and returned to The Drake.

"Now that the whole thing with Jarod is finished," said the Drake "maybe we can get back to the puzzle hunt."

"So, what are the clues so far?" asked Ron.

"Let's see." said the Drake as he checked his Blackberry. "Okay, we're down to the last one. It's supposed to be in the area between the horse..."

Venom looked off and did a double take.

"...and the lion." said the Drake.

Ron stared off to the side.

"And is at the top of the triplets." said the Drake.

Venom and Ron looked in front of them and looked upwards. Venom squinted and stared. "I think I see it." he said.

"What?" asked the Drake.

"The horse." said Ron as he pointed to a statue of a horse. "The lion." he said as he pointed to a statue of a lion. "The triplets." he said as he pointed to the top of three trees. A briefcase hung from the the highest tree.

"Good eyes." said the Drake. "So, who's going for it?"

He and Venom looked to Ron. "I spotted it." said Venom.

"I'll get it." said Ron.

"Good man." said the Drake.

Ron walked up to the tree and started to climb it.

"Is he any good at that?" asked Venom.

"He used to be a lineman for the phone company." said the Drake. "Go for it, Ronnie!"

"You've got it!" yelled Venom.

Ron made his way up the tree. He looked up at the briefcase.

"You can do it!" yelled the Drake.

"Show us some balls!" yelled Venom.

Ron made it to the top of the tree and grabbed the briefcase.

"You've got the prize! Good work!" said the Drake.

"Yeah! Do it!" said Venom.

Ron cut the rope and slid down the tree. Venom and the Drake cheered.

One of Kane's troops answered his radio. "Yes, sir. Right now? Affirmative."

Ron carried the briefcase over to Venom and the Drake. "What do you think?" he asked.

"Very nice work." said the Drake. "What do you say we hit the road and rub this in the other Cannonballers' faces?"

"Sounds great." said Venom.

One of Kane's Beam Cannons pulled up next to the Utopia and two soldiers jumped out. "You're coming with us." said one as they pointed their guns at them.

"Again?" asked the Drake.

"Kane has ordered that all Cannonballers are to be captured and held for ransom." said the other.

"Well, that was fast." said Venom.

"And speaking of fast, think fast!" said Ron just before he threw the briefcase at the soldiers.

One of the soldiers fired his rifle at the briefcase, destroying it. Venom responded by tackling the soldier. Ron jumped up and wrestled the other soldier to the ground.

"How can I help?" asked the Drake.

Venom punched his soldier and grabbed his rifle. He fired it into the air and said "Okay, that's good enough."

Ron gave his soldier one last punch and said "I agree."

"Let's go, gentlemen." said the Drake.

"Not just yet." said Venom.

"'ey, what's-a going on?" asked Mario.

"Looks like the army is-a taking back the country." said Luigi.

"We'd better get outta here." said Sonic.

"Just a second." said Mario. He kicked the trunk of the Doomsayer and doll of a turtle wearing a helmet popped out. He grabbed it and in a flash of light, his shirt turned white, his overalls turned black, and he wore a turtle shell and a helmet. "Now we go." he said.

Mario jumped onto the hood of the car while Sonic took the wheel. They took off in a hurry.

The Drake and his team got into the Utopia. Venom still brandished the rifle while the Drake and Ron looked a little unnerved.

"Let's hit it." said Venom.

"I think maybe I should've let them shoot you." said Ron.

The Drake pulled away from the Beam Cannon which now had six blown out tires.

"How do we get out of here?" asked the Drake.

"Go for the way we came in." said Ron.

"Maybe you should activate the weapons in this crate." said Venom.

"We don't have any." said Ron.

"What?" asked Venom.

"I had this thing customized for performance, not combat." said the Drake.

A large black tower fired on the Doomsayer. Mario ducked into his shell and blocked the lasers. A second tower fired a set of machine guns at them.

"Get ready for this." said Mario. He started throwing a series of hammers at the machine gun turret. He knocked out the guns on one side, then the other.

"Alright!" cheered Tails.

"Hang on, we still have the other one." said Sonic.

The Drake maneuvered the Utopia through the area and aimed the car up a hill towards the laser turret.

"Yuppie scum this!" he growled as he launched the car off the hill and crashed through the turret. It collapsed soon after.

The two cars then raced off together.

---

Above Dorajland, one of Yuri's Floating Discs was flying through the air. As they got lower down, a hatch opened and the police cruiser with the A.B.C. Robot in it was released with a parachute attached to it.

As the parachute deployed and the vehicle drifted to the ground, Yuri, Chairman and DeMarco looked on smugly from the Disc's cockpit.

"That should settle the Cannonballers' hash for a while." said Chairman. "I heard that there's talk of a group of them moving in a convoy through this country. It'll be lambs to the slaughter."

"Maybe." said Yuri. "I remember them doing something similar in my territory two years ago. If what I've heard about the army installed in this country, we could have competition."

"Anything to worry about?" asked DeMarco.

"Not with a whole fleet of these Discs at our command." Yuri smirked. "I've always wanted to show that bald-headed buffoon a lesson. And we shall indeed when we decimate his army and the Cannonballers."

Now it was Yuri's turn to laugh evilly.

---

The Falcon pulled up to a small roadhouse somewhere in Dorajland. The three men got out and went inside.

"That place in Tunisia COULD have been Tatooine for all you know." Brodie said. "The desert stuff for Episode Four was filmed in Tunisia, you know. Maybe they got the idea for the planet's name from the city we were in."

"And the reward for the Biggest Social Retard Who Knows 101 Useless Geek Facts goes to...Brodie Bruce of New Jersey." Jay sarcastically said.

"Like you can talk." Brodie grumbled in reply. "After all, you two thought there really WAS a place in Illinois called Shermer after watching all those John Hughes movies."

"HEY! Have a bit of respect for a genius." Silent Bob said. "Before he started the Macaulay Culkin shit, Mr. Hughes was an 80s god."

"Okay, okay." Brodie replied. He then walked over to the bar where an American game show played on television.

"Congratulations!" said the host. "You are our grand prize winner! It's now time to pick your prize. Over here, we have this new Chevy Camaro."

A yellow Camaro SS was shown on a rotating platform.

"And over here, we have an all expenses paid trip to Dorajland." announced the host.

"Take the Camaro." said Brodie. "Take the Camaro!"

"I'm heading off to Africa." said the contestant. "I'm taking the trip to Dorajland!"

"No!" yelled Brodie. "Idiot!"

He turned towards the bar and saw the contestant sitting there staring at him.

Jay and Silent Bob walked over to the other side of the bar where a man jumped up and said "Hey, I know you guys! You're Jay and Silent Bob!"

"Oh yeah, that's us!" said Jay.

"How wonderful to see you." said the man. "I'm a big fan of your work. Very big."

"Nice to hear that." said Jay as Brodie walked over.

"Yes, I'm very impressed with your work." said the man. "Not like that Brodie guy. I hate him."

Brodie looked nervous. "You don't like Brodie?" asked Jay.

"No, not at all." said the man. "I don't know why you hang out with him."

"You don't like Brodie at all?" asked Jay.

"If I saw him and knew what he looked like," said the man "he would be seriously punished for his suckiness. If only I knew what he looked like." He looked at Brodie and asked "Hey, what's your name?"

"Uh...um..." said Brodie. "My name is Earl."

"Anyway," said the man "there's actually someone else looking forward to seeing you."

"Who's that?" asked Jay.

"There he is." said the man.

They all looked to the other guy. It was LaFours. He promptly got up and ran towards them.

"Back to the car!" yelled Brodie.

The three of them ran for the door with LaFours in hot pursuit. In the parking lot, they made a beeline for the Falcon.

Jay jumped into the driver's seat just as LaFours ran out of the roadhouse. Silent Bob jumped into the back while Brodie got into the front passenger seat.

"Come on!" yelled Brodie. "Start it up and get us out of here!"

"Hang on." said Jay as he fiddled with the keys.

He went to insert the key into the ignition, but he hit the side of the steering column and dropped them.

"Oh f...or Pete's sake!" he yelled.

He reached down to pick them up as Brodie locked the doors.

"Hurry!" yelled Brodie as he watched LaFours approach, holding his nightstick out menacingly.

TO BE CONTINUED...