Cannonball Run 7: High Speed Heroes

by BKelly95

Co-written by The Turbo Man. The Cannonballers have returned for another race around the world for a five hundred million dollar first prize. Who will rise? Who will fall? And who will win the Cannonball Run?

11. Earth's Own Freezer

CANNONBALL RUN 7: HIGH SPEED HEROES by BKelly95 and the Turbo Man

CHAPTER 11: "Earth's Own Freezer".

DISCLAIMER: As usual, we own nothing except the characters we ourselves created.

AN: In memory of James Best, Dean Jones and Lemmy Kilminster.

The anchors prepared to report a Cannonball update. Meanwhile, Misty laughed at something off-camera.

"What's she laughing at?" asked Ron.

"Oh, she's watching something on her smartphone." said Veronica.

"Is that related to the smart Fortwo?" asked Ron.

"No, it's just...never mind." said Veronica.

"The Cannonballers seem to making great progress." said Ron.

"Oh yes." said Veronica. "Even if you factor in the vampire attack and the coup, they're making good time.

Lazlow made a sucking sound with his mouth.

"Do you have something you'd like to add, Lazlow?" asked Veronica.

"No." said Lazlow. He turned away, put his fist to his mouth, and coughed "Suck ups!"

"Okay, what is it?" asked Ron.

"You guys are laying a lot of praise on a bunch of highway scofflaws and degenerates." said Lazlow. "You're talking about these guys like they're heroes or something. They're idiots! They're not doing anything that anyone in Los Santos couldn't do on a daily basis."

"Then why isn't anyone from Los Santos doing this on a daily basis?" asked Ron.

"I'll tell you something else." said Lazlow. "It's a waste of money to reward these losers for making complete morons out of themselves. Surely, there are people more deserving of the money."

Misty looked at him annoyed. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Hey, that's my line." said Lazlow. "Anyway, there's one good thing about the Cannonball. It provides employment."

"Yeah, and God knows how desperate you are to remain in the public eye, Lazlow." grumbled Ron.

"We're almost on." said Veronica.

Misty joined them at the desk and they turned to the camera.

"Welcome back, Cannonball fans. I'm Ron Burgundy."

"I'm Veronica."

"I'm Lazlow."

"And I'm Misty. And this is another Cannonball update."

"We have received reports that the Cannonballers have reached Antarctica." said Ron. "Hopefully, they've bundled up and prepared for the cold weather."

"We can report right now that the Panama is in the lead." said Veronica.

"Yes!" yelled Moby. "Oh, I, uh, bet on them."

"Thank you, Michael Stipe." said Ron.

Moby looked confused.

"Do we have footage of that?" asked Lazlow.

"Sorry, no." said Misty. "We do have footage of something else, though."

"Great, let's see it." said Lazlow.

"Okay." said Misty as she hooked up her smartphone to the big screen. "This is what I was laughing at earlier."

She pressed play on her phone and a Youtube video of Lazlow dancing in the Los Santos Riverbed with his pants around his ankles came up onscreen.

"What?" asked Lazlow. "Oh (bleep)!"

"What was that you were saying about people making complete morons of themselves?" asked Veronica.

"That stupid, balding hoser psychopath." muttered Lazlow.

"Anyway, up next is Love Fist with a song dedicated to the current race leaders." said Ron.

"That's right, Ron." said Jezz Torrent. "This here's a song dedicated to the current race leaders. One, two, three, four!"

They started on their guitars and drums.

Uh!
Oh yeah!
Ah-huh!

Jump back, what's that sound?
Here she comes, full blast'n top down.
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue.
Model citizen, zero discipline.

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in that turn.
I'll get her!

Panama!
Panama!
Panama!
Panama!

Ain't nothin' like it, it's a shining machine.
Got the feel for the wheel, keep the movin' parts clean.
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue.
Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom.

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in that turn.
I'll get her.
Oh!

Panama!
Panama!
Ow!
Panama!
Panama!
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Woo!

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight.
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off.
Know what I'm sayin'?
Uhh, I reach down between my legs 'n ease the seat back.

She's runnin', I'm flyin'.
Right behind in the rearview mirror now.
Got the fearin', power steerin'.
Pistons poppin', ain't no stoppin' now

Panama!
Panama!
Panama!
Panama!
Oh-oh-oh-oh.

Panama!
Panama!
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Panama!

-"Panama" by Van Halen

---

Jeremy Sanchez sat on the hood of a silver Corvette ZR-1 with white racing stripes and black stripes along the sides that angled onto the hood.

Enzo walked over to him. "So far, the infectees have been behaving themselves." he said.

"I don't think that's gonna last." said Jeremy. "Especially since the Cannonballers are heading right for their headquarters."

"You think Caitlin's going to try something with those guys?" asked Enzo.

"She's probably going to do something out of revenge for not being able to enter the race herself." said Jeremy.

"Jeremy!" yelled the team's robotics expert, Charlie Weller. "I was following the Cannonball race coverage. The racers are now entering Antarctica."

"How's Max doing?" asked Enzo.

"I wasn't paying attention." said Charlie.

"It's go time." said Jeremy. "We have to protect them."

---

"I don't think Catwoman will be returning." said Dynomutt. "She knows we're on the job now."

"Also, I heard the Night Fox tried to steal the prize money this time." said Blue Falcon. "The villains are definitely stepping up their game."

"They shouldn't bother." said Dynomutt. "Even if they can get past the protectors, the vault is impregnable. There's a better chance of Elvis landing a UFO on the Loch Ness Monster than the prize money getting stolen."

The two members of security came up on the vault and saw that it was now opened up with Mr. X standing near it.

BF and Dynomutt's jaws dropped when they saw that the vault was empty.

"Well, this was a disaster." said Mr. X. "I think this is the first time in Cannonball history someone successfully managed to steal the prize money."

"Oh, crap." BF deadpanned. "Do you know what the proper procedure is when something like this happens?"

"Yeah, I do." said Dynomutt as he leaned in and whispered something in BF's ear.

"Good idea." BF nodded. "Let's go."

---

The three remaining organizers had been notified of the theft and were pondering what should be done.

"We have to get the cash back." said J.J. "A lot of people are gunning for that money."

"I know." said Brock. "And to that end, I've sent Victor out to get someone to investigate the theft."

Victor then strolled in and said "Gentlemen, I have found someone to investigate the theft."

"Great, who did you find?" asked J.J.

"It's a couple of guys who were staying at the hotel." said Victor. "They're a pair of detectives from Santa Barbara in town to do some sightseeing. And get this: one of them is a psychic."

"This oughta be good." said Brock.

"Guys, come in." said Victor.

A man with brown spiked hair and a black man with a shaved head came in.

"Mr. Yates, I believe you called for us." said the man with the spiked hair. "I am Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, and this is my noble partner, Burton Guster."

"Call me 'Gus'." said the black man.

"So, understand you're missing a prize money." said Shawn.

"Wow, he's good." said Brock.

"Actually, I told him that already." said Victor.

"He did." said Gus.

"Okay, now that I'm on the case, let's see what we can dig up." said Shawn.

"Hold on." said J.J. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I'm a little skeptical about psychic abilities. Maybe you can show us your psychic skills?"

"What would you like to know?" asked Shawn.

"How about this?" asked Victor. "Which car is going to win the race?"

Shawn put his index and middle fingers against his temples and moaned. "Okay." he said. "I'm getting something. I can see it. The car that wins the race will be...the fastest one."

J.J. rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, do you really want to cut to the end like that?" asked Shawn. "That would be like going up to somebody waiting in line to see 'Empire Strikes Back' and telling them Darth Vader is Luke's father. Ask me something else."

"Okay." said J.J. "I had to take my dog to the vet this morning. What breed?"

"Now, that's more like it." said Shawn.

He rubbed his chin and thought. He looked over J.J. and noticed a bunch of tiny white hairs on his jacket.

He quickly wrapped his fingers around J.J's face and said "Oh! I'm getting something! I see a big room. There's a metal pole running from the floor to the ceiling. Is your dog a stripper? Wait, I'm getting something else! There's a big truck in the room. It's red. It's got ladders on the sides. It's got hoses. It's a fire engine...in a fire station." He took his fingers off of J.J. and asked "Is your dog a dalmatian?"

J.J. raised his eyebrows. "Wow, that WAS good." he said.

"Anything else?" asked Shawn.

"No, that was great." said Brock. "You're hired."

A minute later, Shawn and Gus strolled out of the room.

"How are we going to find this guy, Shawn?" asked Gus harshly. "I don't think finding him is going to be as easy as looking at dog hairs. Even I could see them from where I was standing."

"I thought we'd go up to the vault and see if we can find the thief's driver's license." said Shawn. "Failing that, we might have to do some actual work."

---

Batgirl walked into the room shared by Blue Falcon and Dynomutt and found them packing up to leave.

"Where are you guys going?" she asked.

"Brazil." said Blue Falcon and Dynomutt.

"Uh, why?" asked Batgirl.

"The prize money has been stolen." said Blue Falcon. "On OUR watch! There's no way we can live this humiliation down!"

"Wait, so you're just going to run off with your tails between your legs?" asked Batgirl. "What about catching whoever stole the prize money?"

"You know, she has a point, B.F.." said Dynomutt.

"There's an investigation being started into the heist." said Batgirl. "Maybe you can lend some assistance or insight."

"That's a good idea." said Dynomutt. "Come on, let's find that scoundrel!"

"That's the spirit." said Batgirl.

---

The Panama drove off the bridge into Antarctica.

"Here we are in the last untamed frontier on Earth." said Pitt.

"You should see some of the files NUMA has on this place." said Gunn. "We've found all kinds of ships from all over the world from over 200 years of history. Over there by the bridge, we even found a diesel rig last year."

As they drove on, the icy wilderness unfolded in front of them. But just a mile from the bridge, something strange happened. Giordino was just driving along when suddenly, three people appeared in front of them. Giordino panicked and steered the car right into a snowbank.

"Whoa, that was kewl!" said one of the people, a blonde girl in a purple dress with goggles perched atop her head.

"Professor Babbage, where are we?" said the second, a rotund man in a green jumpsuit. He also had goggles atop his head and a medium-sized barrel-like object strapped to his back.

"I'm not sure." said the third, an old man in a blue jumpsuit. He was wearing his goggles. "It appears to be one of the polar regions of the planet, but I don't recognize the area. Pretty far off the mark, hmmm?"

"Who are those guys?" asked Gunn.

"I don't know." said Pitt. "Let's ask them."

Pitt, Giordino, and Gunn climbed out of the car.

"Hello?" asked the old man. "Who are you guys?"

"I'm Dirk, this is Al and Rudi. Who are you?"

"My name is Babbage." said the old man. He pointed to the big guy in the green jumpsuit and said "This is Sorensen." He then pointed to the girl and said "And this is Lu. We are warriors in the employ of the Prince of Falena and are on our way to a battle."

"And where is this battle?" asked Giordino.

"It should be near the town of Doraat." said Sorensen. "We tried to teleport there with the help of our teleporter, Viki, but unfortunately, she seems to have made one of her slight errors."

"I think we should whip out the Blinking Mirror and..." said Lu.

"Whoa, Lu." said Babbage. "The Prince has the Blinking Mirror. We can't use it right now, so we're stuck here for a while, hmmm?"

"And we're going to freeze if we don't get somewhere warm." said Sorensen.

"Hey, Dirk." said Gunn. "Wasn't there a place that was supposed to be a shelter for the Cannonballers?"

"I think there was." said Pitt. "Maybe we can take them there."

---

Meanwhile, Bart, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson looked out over the frozen wilderness.

"Back in Antarctica." said Lisa.

"Yes, Lisa." said Marge. "Now, we just have to cross the snow to reach the next stage of the race."

"Hey, where's dad?" asked Bart.

"He said he had to prepare the car." said Marge. "I'm certain he can..." She turned to the car and gasped. "HOMER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she yelled.

Homer had completely disassembled the front of the Kowalski.

"Relax, Marge." said Homer. "While Lenny and Carl were working on the car, we decided to work in a way to cross Antarctica more quickly and thought that engineering a snowmobile into it would work. We just have to disassemble it and reassemble it in a certain way."

"Dad, are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Bart.

"Don't worry." said Homer. "We designed an easy way to remember the proper assembly sequence. The first part to lay down are these skis which are labeled 'A'." He held up a pair of panels which now formed skis and set them down. "Next is this cross-member because it's labeled 'B'." he said while holding up a part of the frame. "After that is...is...come on, brain! Think!"

"Uh, dad?" asked Lisa. "The next letter is..."

"Not now, Lisa!" said Homer. "I can't concentrate on correctly combining these components into creating a cool cold weather contraption!"

Snake and Ethan parked near a crate. "What do we have here?" asked Ethan.

They climbed out of the Espion and walked over to the crate. Snake picked up a note and looked at it. "Hey, guys." he read. "It's me, Bosco. Otacon arranged for another set of toys. You'll find it in this crate. It works. Trust me, trust me."

Ethan opened the crate and looked inside. "Oh, this looks like it should work perfectly." he said as he picked up a ski mounted on a steel arm.

Oil Can Harry and Dick Dastardly had jacked up the Comrade. "Why are we doing this?" asked Harry.

"Because I had Klunk develop a way to cross frozen ground." said Dick. "Once we install some new parts, we'll be ready to go."

"I take it that it involves these skis and treads." said Captain Hook.

"Of course." said Dick. "We are supposed to be turning the Comrade into a snowmobile."

"And how well do Klunk's inventions usually work?" asked Tanner.

The Villain's Society looked over to see a similar set of equipment being installed on the Sorcerer. Skis on arms had been mounted to the front wheels while studded wheels had been mounted to the rear.

"Hey, you copied us!" said Jafar.

"Did not." said Jones. "These parts were created by a guy in the Bronx named Ray. He was trying to invent a new sport or something. I don't know."

"Now that you mention it, Klunk did say something about the Bronx." said Dick.

Ethan had the ski arms mounted under the side skirts of the Espion while Snake tightened the lug nuts on the wheels. Studded tires had been fitted.

"Got the skis?" asked Snake.

"On as good as they can be." said Ethan. "How about the tires?"

"All set." said Snake.

"Great." said Ethan. "Everything's alright and we finished faster than the others."

The Reaper came racing into the lot.

"(There's the snow.)" said K.T.

"(Let's hit it.)" said Takumi.

As they hit the snow, Takumi hit a switch. The air-dam extended forward while the front wheels flipped to reveal skis. The passenger compartment slid forward while the rear end extended rearward. An extra pair of rear wheels extended to the sides. The Reaper drove out into the snow without stopping.

"Hurry!" yelled Ethan. He and Snake ran for the Espion's doors.

"Competition's getting away." said Jones.

"Relax." said Tanner. He put the Sorcerer into gear and took off after the Reaper.

The Espion took off next. The front axle of the Comrade had been replaced with a ski mount. The rear axle had been replaced by a large tractor tread.

"Everybody's leaving us behind!" yelled Skeletor. "We have to go!"

"Get in!" yelled Mean Machine.

He put the Comrade into gear and drove off after the others. As soon as he hit the snow, the tread unit pulled off of the truck.

"I think I forgot to fasten something." said Dick.

Tombstone sat in the Ignition while Jesse and Body Drop worked under the car.

"And then tighten this?" asked Body Drop.

"Yep." said Jesse. "Then, we undo this."

The two of them crawled out from under the Volvo.

"Now?" asked Tombstone.

"Hit it." said Jesse.

Tombstone pulled the lever Jesse had used to lower the wheel rig. This time, tractor treads and skis lowered from the bottom of the car.

Jesse laughed while doing a double "Ozzy salute".

"Hey, it's even got a 'Hector stick'." said Body Drop.

"Alright." said Jesse. "I'll throw away the rags and we'll go."

He walked past the Simpsons as Homer finished his work on the Kowalski.

"There, it's done." said Homer.

His family stared dumbfounded.

"Hey, that's great, Homer." said Jesse. "But, how are you supposed to beat us in a gazebo?"

Homer looked over the Kowalski which he actually had converted into a gazebo.

"D'oh!" he yelled.

---

DeMarco's group drove into Antarctica. DeMarco led the group driving a metallic black 1940 Buick Super.

They came to a halt next to an olive drab Armet Ghurka and a white 1984 Toyota Hilux pick-up truck with a machine gun mounted in the bed.

A purple '59 Chevy Impala with a roof chopped three inches and a chrome trim sat a little further away.

The Foyts pulled up in the Tygrus. Everybody climbed out of their cars. DeMarco had the Total Anarchy mask on.

"How does the mask fit, boss?" asked Lester.

"Like a glove." said DeMarco. "Just right for little old me."

The Beagle Boys, Ma Beagle, Lester, Luther, Golem, Yuri, Lidell, the Golden Lords, Mr. Chairman, the Foyts and the Killer Cars gathered in front of him.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said "at some point on this continent, the Cannonballers will be halfway through the race. You may have heard that the Night Fox has failed to abscond with the booty."

"What?" asked Golem.

"Huh?" asked Burger.

"He didn't get the cash, dummies!" yelled DeMarco. "God, with idiots like these, no wonder we're losing against the Cannonballers."

Lester and Luther looked at each other concerned.

"Anyway, the time to strike is now." said DeMarco. "We will take out the Cannonballers not just to delay them for our heist, but also to get revenge for sending me to prison two years ago. Normally, this would involve letting you all do your thing. But now that I have the Total Anarchy mask, we have a distinct advantage."

"Uh, if I may be allowed to speak, sir." said Alice Foyt. "Where did you get that mask?"

"The Beagle Boys got it for me." said DeMarco.

"See, boys?" asked Bigtime. "He knows who to ask."

"They lifted it off of Big Boss and brought it here." said DeMarco.

"Was that wise?" asked Mr. Chairman. "You know Big Boss is not going to take this lying down. He's going to come after us with everything."

"Let him come." said DeMarco. "I can take him. And you should be one to talk about wisdom. You were defeated by Daffy Duck, who's such a butt monkey he probably couldn't do something right without embarrassing himself royally. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made an alliance with you."

"And this is the way you treat a loyal acquaintance?" yelled Mr. Chairman. "I have half a mind to just walk on out of here and find a new partner!"

"You have half a mind PERIOD!" yelled DeMarco. "So, you should indeed walk on the (bleep) out of here! Try not to let the metaphorical door hit your dumb ass on the way out!"

"Well, excusssssse me!" yelled Mr. Chairman before he turned around and started walking.

"Daffy isn't a monkey!" yelled Golem. "He's a duck! Ducks are birds! Monkeys are mammals!"

"And take this overgrown neanderthal with you!" yelled DeMarco. "You were both too stupid to be given a cut of the prize money anyway."

Mr. Chairman grabbed Golem and led him out of the meeting area.

"What about the overgrown neanderthal?" asked Golem.

"He'll join us later." grumbled Mr. Chairman.

"Folks, I'm sorry you all had to see that." said DeMarco. "Now, as I was saying before your cut increased, it's time to take out the Cannonballers once and for all. So, who's with those two losers walking away and who's with my money?"

The others looked to each other uncertainly, but eventually all raised their hands.

"Good." said DeMarco. "Let's mount up. Bigtime, you, your mom and your brothers have the Insurgent." he said while pointing to the Ghurka. "Lester, Luther, Yuri, you have the Technical." he said while pointing to the Hilux. "Lidell, you and the Golden Lords have the Nightmare." he said while pointing to the Impala. "And I have the Lightning." he smirked as he pointed to the Buick Super.

Everybody went to their respective vehicles. DeMarco got out his phone. "Yogostein, the plan is in motion." he said.

"Excellent, nari." said Yogostein. "We shall watch for your forces, nari."

"You've rallied your forces as well, I take it?" DeMarco asked.

"Yes. Our Ugatz troopers and the Slab androids are ready, nari." Yogostein confirmed. "They're not exactly living things in the same sense as us, so they should have no problem sacrificing themselves and taking the Cannonballers with them!" he added with a nasty chuckle.

"Yes, I heard that Yuri has supplied them with some of his aircraft. I trust you received the Atlasbreaker?" asked DeMarco.

"Oh, yes we did, nari." said Yogostein as he looked over a blue monster truck with the body of a Dodge Ram.

The truck was metallic blue with white trim. It also had a chrome grille, bumpers and mirrors in chrome as well, blue and chrome rims and a gray and blue interior. This was the Atlasbreaker.

"This truck should come in very handy in this environment, nari." Yogostein smirked.

"Good to hear." said DeMarco. "Let's take care of this once and for all."

He hung up the phone and Digit walked up to him.

"Mr. DeMarco." said Digit. "What happened to those three girls and Horace?"

"If, by 'those three girls', you mean Sissy, Chrissy, and Missy," said DeMarco "they've gone on ahead along with Horace. I thought they could soften up the Cannonballers for us, don't you agree?"

"Oh yeah, of course, sir." said Digit. "We're ghost."

---

About twenty miles away, the Falcon had pulled over. Brodie was lying asleep on the back seat with a woolen blanket covering him as Jay and Silent Bob stood outside the car trying to decide who would take over driving.

"Okay, you pudgy dick. Let's try it again!" Jay said, sounding annoyed as Silent Bob and himself got ready to play rock/paper/scissors again.

Silent Bob successfully won with scissors whilst Jay got paper.

"Mother..." Jay began, before quickly cutting himself off.

Silent Bob smirked as he held out his hand for Jay to give him the car keys.

Jay huffed and went around to the passenger side as Silent Bob tried to find the ignition key among the other keys on the ring.

Bob suddenly sensed something was wrong and turned to his right quickly.

He was too late to see the Manhattan Spirit as it roared towards him and hit him in his left side, knocking him off his feet and onto the ground.

"SHIT!" yelled Jay as he saw what had happened.

The Manhattan Spirit reversed and turned slightly to try and knock Jay down as well, but he quickly jumped to the side and avoided it. He started to run, with the vintage ambulance following him.

As he looked back, he could see Sissy, Chrissy and Missy all sitting in the front of the Manhattan Spirit. All three of them had a pure, murderous instinct in their eyes as they pursued him.

Jay turned back to look ahead of himself and saw that there was an ice quarry coming up, with some equipment, dumpsters etc. lying around.

"Thank God some people work in this goddamn, lousy weather." he thought to himself as he climbed up on top of a dumpster and tried to climb to a scaffolding above it.

Sissy sneered and rammed the Manhattan Spirit into the dumpster and knocked it aside, causing Jay to land on the vintage ambulance's hood.

"(bleep), (bleep), (bleep)!" Jay yelled at the top of his voice.

Chrissy and Missy each wrapped their right hands in cloths and punched through the windshield. Missy grabbed and held Jay by the collar and Chrissy grabbed a shard of glass and held it near Jay's neck.

"I never did make you pay for calling Sissy 'Juggs' or calling me a bitch, you dipshit!" Laughed Chrissy.

"Open up his throat, sweetheart!" Missy also laughed.

Jay panicked, and turned his head slightly and bit some of Missy's fingers.

"SHIT!" She yelled as she let go in pain.

Jay then raised his right hand and forced Chrissy's hand to turn away and then he slapped the glass shard out of her hand and made her let go.

Jay fell off the hood, and hit the ground running as Sissy kept chasing him.

"You stupid bitches!" Sissy yelled at her partners. "I'll deal with this moron once and for all!".

Jay was running towards a construction wall which surrounded the quarry. He jumped on top of an oil drum and climbed to the top of the wall.

As he reached the top of the wall, he saw that on the other side of it was a fifty-foot drop right into the quarry, which was not obvious from the side of the wall facing the road.

It was a rare occasion when Jay got a good idea, but one came to him right now as the Manhattan Spirit approached the wall and stopped about thirty feet away.

As Sissy, Chrissy and Missy glared at him, he flipped them off with both hands.

"COME ON, YA PSYCHO BITCHES! YOU WANT ME?! COME AND GET ME!" he yelled.

Sissy smirked and switched on a microphone that was above the driver's seat and addressed Jay over the loudspeaker.

"You want to die, junkie? We'll be glad to oblige you. We got 25 years each because of you and your little bitch Justice!" she sneered. "We were the best jewel thieves under the age of thirty and you (bleep)ing ruined it all!"

"BAHBAHBAHBAHBAHBAH!" Jay taunted. "YOU GONNA TALK ME TO DEATH OR COME THE (bleep) OVER HERE AND TAKE ME OUT!" COME ON, YOU GUTLESS SLUTS!"

"Okay, dickhead! HERE I COME!" yelled Sissy as she gunned the engine of the Manhattan Spirit and went full speed towards the wall.

Jay braced himself for the impact. As the Manhattan Spirit hit the wall, it crashed right through it.

It was going too fast to brake and went right over the edge of the abyss.

"OH, SHIT!" Sissy yelled as the old ambulance went over the edge. She had forgotten to turn the microphone off, so Jay could hear her yell clearly over the speaker.

As the wall collapsed, the piece that Jay was on was knocked to the side and fell over.

Luckily, Jay was able to grab a protruding piece of pipe near the edge of the drop and held on.

Sissy, Chrissy and Missy all screamed as the Manhattan Spirit continued to fall and eventually hit the bottom of the quarry.

The old ambulance was smashed into junk. The three villains had survived, though.

"Are we dead?" asked Missy.

"Thanks to Sissy!" grumbled Chrissy.

"We're NOT dead!" Sissy declared.

"No thanks to you!" Chrissy grumbled again.

All three of them smelled something burning.

"Bail out!" Missy yelled as she kicked the driver's side door open.

The three injured girls quickly ran from the Manhattan Spirit as it caught fire.

After they took cover behind a bulldozer, the Manhattan Spirit exploded in a fireball.

Above them, Jay had climbed up to the edge of the drop and saw the Manhattan Spirit burn.

"Whoa!" he said to himself. "I'll make sure Dante and Randal find out about this. I told those dingleberries I have the biggest pair of balls they've ever seen."

"Self-praise really sucks, you know that?" a voice asked.

Jay turned around and saw that Silent Bob had caught up with him. He was holding his left arm in pain and had a slight limp, but was otherwise alright.

"Shit! Silent Bob, you must have a hide like a rhino." Jay said, impressed. "You've got enough meat on you for that to happen."

Silent Bob smirked and flipped Jay off.

"Now, if your lunch break is over, let's go." Bob smirked.

"No prob. We won't have to worry about those three bitches for a while." Jay replied.

"I hope so." said Silent Bob.

As they made the trek back to the Falcon, Jay let out a relieved sigh.

"Thank (bleep) he didn't hear me talking like I normally do." he thought to himself about Silent Bob.

---

Brock led Shawn and Gus into the corridor with the vault. "This is where you'll find the vault." he said. "We believe the point of entry was the window over here."

Shawn looked at the window which had been left open. As he turned back to the vault, he glanced at the wall and noticed an ear print and a triangular impression. "What about the guards?" he asked.

"They were distracted by a bad guy who had been apprehended by another guest. Some kind of fight had happened." said Brock.

The two security guards who Dunn had handed Toulour over to talked with Gus. Shawn noticed one had his security pass clipped to his belt while the other didn't.

"You should probably talk with the guards." said Brock. "You might be able to get some important information like your partner is."

"Did you guys hear about Pluto?" asked Gus. "That's messed up."

Shawn spotted a couple of reeds lying on the floor.

"Anyway, over here we have..." said Brock.

They heard a loud clatter and looked to see the grate to a ventilation duct fall off. A man wearing black sweatpants, a black sweater, black gloves, and a black ski mask crawled out and looked around.

"You're too late." said Gus. "Someone else already got it."

The man sighed and crawled back into the duct.

"As I was saying, this is the vault." said Brock. "We still can't figure out how the thief bypassed the pressure pads on the floor or the infrared lasers. Or indeed how they got in without setting off the alarm."

Shawn looked up and saw a swath of nail polish on the ceiling.

"Are you getting anything yet?" asked Brock.

Shawn put his index and middle fingers to his head and thought. "I am getting something." he said. "The thief did enter through the window, but didn't enter after the fight started. Instead, she..."

"She?" asked Brock. "You think it was a woman?"

"I'm certain." said Shawn. "She entered after the fight was over and took shelter behind this wall. When the fight started in the first place, she snuck up behind this guard and stole his key card."

"What?" yelled the guard. "There's no way she..." He felt for his key card and discovered it was missing. "Son of a bitch." he muttered.

"She then used the card to open the vault and bypassed the pressure pads and lasers by using the ceiling." said Shawn. "Suction cups, magnets, inverting gravity. I'm not entirely certain how she did it."

"Well, how did she manage to move the prize money out of here?" asked Brock.

"I'm not entirely certain of that either." said Shawn.

"Wait, there was also a pallet jack in here." said Brock. "It's not here. She must have stolen that as well."

"She might have used it to get the money out." said Gus.

"No." said Brock. "She couldn't have rolled it over the pressure pads or past the lasers without setting them off."

Shawn looked at the floor. He saw a very tiny pallet jack near the spot where the money had sat. "Does that look like it?" he asked.

Minutes later, he and Gus walked out of the hotel.

"A shrink ray?" yelled Gus. "Shawn, you must be out of your damn mind!"

"It's the only possibility." said Shawn. "Once the impossible is discarded, the remaining theory, however implausible, is the truth. That is Oxen's Razor."

"That's Occam's Razor!" said Gus.

"I've heard it both ways." said Shawn.

"And your theory is still impossible." said Gus. "Who could possibly have made a working shrink ray?"

"I don't know." said Shawn. "I think Rick Moranis just entered our suspect pool."

---

Bam sat in the Tempest's passenger seat as it raced down the highway. He looked out the window and saw the Sorcerer and Reaper racing along the snow.

"Hey, they converted their vehicles to snowmobiles." said Bam. "Why didn't we think of that?"

"I considered it." said Torquenstein from the back seat. "But I was concerned that the conversion would compromise the structural rigidity."

"That's actually the way to go." said Tony as he drove. "These guys looked at past Cannonballs and planned accordingly. They decided to learn from the mistakes made by themselves and others."

Just as he said that, the Starlight passed them. Butthead kneeled on the trunk with his tongue stuck to the roof.

---

Back at the quarry, an emergency crew had put out the fire on the Manhattan Spirit. The vintage ambulance was wrecked beyond repair.

"Did you see any sign of who was driving it?" asked one of the workers.

"There's no sign of any bodies." the fire chief replied. "I just hope that nobody got killed, though."

Nearby, Sissy, Chrissy and Missy were sneaking through the quarry. They took care to duck behind every portakabin they came across to avoid being seen.

"We need to get back after those a-holes so we can meet up with DeMarco." said Chrissy. "Not to mention get back after the Cannonballers."

"I think I see our ticket right there." smirked Missy as she saw three big rig trucks parked nearby, whose drivers were walking towards the portable restrooms on the site to use them. One of them was smiling and opening up a nude magazine as he entered the restroom.

"Perfect!" whispered Sissy as the three girls snuck over to the trucks.

The first was a red Mack CH 613, which Sissy went up to. It had a trailer carrying ice blocks on it.

Chrissy went up to the second: a white and blue Peterbilt 362 with a set of bull bars on the front grille. It had a car transporter trailer holding a few cars.

Missy went to the third: a dirty red and slightly rusted Peterbilt 359 which had no trailer.

"Typical of stupid redneck truckers." Chrissy smirked. "They were so desperate to do their business they forgot to lock their doors."

"Or take the keys out of the ignition." Sissy agreed. Sissy saw that her truck had the word 'Packer' written on the driver's side door. "They even gave it a name for me."

"Same here." said Chrissy as she saw the word 'Hauler' written on her truck's door.

"And me." chipped in Missy as she read the word 'Rubble' on the door of her truck. "I wonder if the driver's name was Barney." she joked to herself.

"Okay. Let's go!" Sissy cheered as the three girls got in and started the trucks up.

"Hey there!" yelled a security guard as she saw the three trucks start up and pull out.

"Keep going, girls! Crash the gate!" Sissy said to her partners over the CB.

"All units! Three trucks are being stolen! Stop them before they get out of the compound!" the security guard yelled into his walkie-talkie.

Soon, a squad of security cars were on the trail of the three trucks as they drove up the slope heading towards the exit of the quarry.

Three security cars got behind the Packer.

"Eat this, suckers!" yelled Sissy as she activated a switch in the cab and tipped the Packer's trailer bed up. This caused the ice blocks to fall out of the bed and smash into some of the security cars. This incapacitated the vehicles.

"Good idea." smiled Chrissy. "I think I'll follow suit."

Chrissy pressed the release button in the Hauler's cab and caused the cars on the transport trailer to fall off and also both block the security guards' way and smash into their cars and put them out of commission.

Soon, the security forces had no way of stopping the three girls from escaping with their stolen rigs.

"We're outta here!" cheered Missy as the Rubble took the lead at the top of the slope and smashed through the closed quarry gate with little trouble.

"Adios, putos!" laughed Chrissy.

"Now, we'll just get a bit away from here, dump these trailers and meet up with the others." Sissy said as the three trucks drove alongside each other and the three thieves gave each other a thumbs-up.

Back at the quarry, the three truckers exited the porta-potties and looked around in shock at the damage caused.

One of them shrugged, opened up his magazine again, and went back into the porta-potty.

The Clover navigated the road constructed in Antarctica.

---

"Wow, it is frigid out there." said Dane.

"Antarctica." said Denis. "Earth's own freezer."

"Can I tell you another of my nephew's jokes?" asked Dane.

"Go ahead." said Denis.

"Alright." said Dane. "There's this guy named Bob. He decided to build a barbecue pit in his backyard. He drew up the plans and calculated the materials he would need. After that, he went to the local hardware store and asked for the materials."

"Okay." said Denis.

"The materials included ninety-nine bricks." said Dane. "However, he discovered the store only sold bricks in multiples of ten. Figuring he might need an extra brick, he ordered a hundred bricks. He brought the materials home and got to work. A few days later, he was finished. However, he didn't need an extra brick and had one left over. He called the store and asked what he could do with it. They told him he could give it to a friend, save it for another building project, or throw it away. He didn't know anyone who needed a brick and didn't have any other building projects in mind, so he threw it away. Straight up."

Denis looked at him. Dane looked back expectantly.

"And?" asked Denis.

"That was it." said Dane.

"Are you serious?" asked Denis.

---

The Bisonte was driving along an icy mountain pass in the arctic wilderness. Frank sat in the passenger seat whilst Darius was driving. They were talking to Rico Rodriguez and Xander Cage over their videophone on the dashboard.

"I must say I was surprised to see you back, X." Darius remarked. "I see that you didn't turn rusty in your time away from the NSA."

"You know I like to keep busy." replied Xander. "I've heard about what you did for Gibbons. Would you mind if I called you my brother from another mother?"

"Maybe that's pushing it a bit." warned Darius. "How's the clean-up in Dorajland going?"

"So far, so good." Rico chipped in. "Just that I think I've heard some rumors about these PALM guys. I don't know if they're true but things seem to be going well with them."

"We were glad you lads could help out with that situation. Much appreciated." Frank said.

"No problem." smirked Rico. "If you ever need a hand again with anything, you know who to call."

"Right." nodded Frank.

"I wish I could be there with you guys right now." lamented Xander. "I bet the Antarctic would be a helluva place to board a few slopes. As I always say, there's nothing like fresh powder."

"There really is no stunt crazy enough for you, X!" chuckled Darius. "Later, my homies!"

Darius turned off the videophone and concentrated on the road ahead. "Hey, is the Bisonte out there?" came a voice over the radio.

"Alex, is that you?" asked Frank.

"You know it." said Alex Kapranos. "We thought you could use some travelling music."

"What did you have in mind?" asked Darius.

"Well, we heard you were a fan of 'Road House'." said Nick McCarthy.

"It's my way or the highway." said Frank.

"I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice." said Darius.

"Alright, let's do it." said Alex.

Jezz ran over to join them. "Need another harmonica performance?" he asked.

"Why not?" asked Alex. "We've already got some assistance on the piano."

Toni and Thunder Bob sat at the piano.

"Are you sure you remember how to play this?" asked Thunder Bob.

"I can play more than just the trumpet." said Toni.

As the Bisonte went past a narrow road on the left, the Tygrus was lying in wait.

"Here we go, sweetheart!" Alice smirked evilly as she started up the silver Jag's engine.

She looked over at Janice and frowned a little. "Safety first, remember?"

"Right." nodded Janice as she put on a full-face black crash helmet and flipped the visor closed. Alice put a similar helmet on and did the same.

They both chuckled nastily and the Tygrus pulled out onto the mountain road in pursuit of the Bisonte as the band began to perform.

Janice flipped a switch on the dash and a pair of titanium battering rams extended from the grille of the Tygrus.

The Bisonte drove on along the winding road. Darius casually glanced in his side mirror and saw the Tygrus coming up behind them.

"Buckle up, bro. we've got company." he warned Frank as he poured on the speed.

"Just be careful with my car, alright." Frank requested.

"I will, but I doubt those guys will." replied Darius as the Tygrus began to catch up with them very quickly. "Time to not be nice."

Alex started to sing.

Yeah.

Alice got right up on the Bisonte's rear bumper and rear-ended the Audi a couple of times. The Bisonte wobbled a bit but stayed firm on the road.

"Don't think it hurts, huh?" Alice taunted them in her mind. "Try this!"

She activated her shot of nitrous and rammed the Bisonte's rear again. The two cars were now right on top of each other.

Yeah, keep your eyes on the road, your hand upon the wheel.
Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel.
Yeah, we're going to the roadhouse.
Gonna have a real,
good time.

As Darius tried to keep them steady, Frank checked the road map on their computer.

"I thought of a way we can sort these folks out." he reported. "In about 1000 meters, there's a sheer drop before a turn."

"Just let me know what to do, bro." Darius nodded.

"Hit the brakes, NOW!" Frank yelled.

Yeah, back at the roadhouse, they got some bungalows.
Yeah, back at the roadhouse, they got some bungalows.
And that's for the people,
who like to go down slow.

Darius stomped on the strong racing brakes which had been fitted to the Bisonte and caused the Tygrus to be halted briefly as it was still on their back bumper.

"Now, step on it and give us the nitrous!" Frank ordered.

"Roger!" Darius cheered as he floored the accelerator for about fifty feet and then activated their nitrous system.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

The Tygrus was soon left behind. Alice snarled to herself and sped up the silver Jag even more to catch up with Frank and Darius.

As soon as the Bisonte's nitrous shot wore off, Darius hung a 180 and sped back on a collision course with the Tygrus.

"You read my mind." Frank smiled.

"I just hope their nerve gives out before ours does." Darius moaned.

Do it, Robby, do it.

The Bisonte was about to collide with the Tygrus when Alice panicked and swerved out of the Audi's path and sped on.

"Goddamn it!" Alice and Janice yelled in unison.

You gotta roll, roll, roll.
You gotta thrill my soul, alright.

Darius hung another 180 and roared off after the Tygrus.

Within a few seconds, it was him and Frank who were on the Foyts' rear bumper.

Roll, roll, roll, roll,
thrill my soul.

"Let's see how you handle it!" Darius smiled as it was his turn to rear-end the Foyts a couple of times.

You gotta beep a gunk a chuka.
Honk honk honk.
You gotta each you puna.
Each ya bop a lula.

Alice tried stepping on her brakes, but the Bisonte was now right on top of her and rammed and pushed her farther along the road.

"The drop is coming up, Darius." Frank said. "Hit the brakes on 3."

"Right."

"One, two, THREE!" Frank yelled.

Each yall bump a kechonk.
Ease som konk.
Ya, ride.

Darius stepped on the Bisonte's brakes and let the Tygrus fly ahead of them on the road.

"MOM!" Janice yelled in terror as the slightly out of control Jaguar headed for the edge of the drop.

Ashen lady, ashen lady.
Give up your vows, give up your vows.
Save our city, save our city.
Right now.

Alice hit the brakes and the car skidded a bit on the icy road before turning and stopping right at the edge of the cliff with its right side facing the drop.

Well, I woke up this morning, I got myself a beer.
Well, I woke up this morning, and I got myself a beer.
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.

The Bisonte had come to a halt nearby and kept the Tygrus edged in.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

Frank climbed out of the Audi and walked over to the Tygrus where the perspiring Alice and Janice had just removed their helmets.

Yikes!

-"Roadhouse Blues" by The Doors.

"Well, stone the crows." he said mock cheerfully. "It's the two Ms., UH..."

"FOYTS!" Alice and Janice chorused angrily.

"I always say that if you respect a man's car, the man will respect you. But it seems you failed to do that." Frank chided them.

"And since when did you miscreants ever respect the law?" Janice sneered.

"I believe you owe me and my partner an apology." Frank added.

"Bite me, baldie!" Alice snapped.

"Like that, is it?" asked Frank. "Partner?"

Darius nodded and moved the Bisonte forward a few inches, pushing the Tygrus slightly closer to the edge.

Alice and Janice panicked.

"WE APOLOGISE!" Alice yelled.

"WE'RE SO, SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE US!" Janice added.

Frank turned to Darius and signaled him to stop.

Frank turned back to the Foyts. "Now, we're getting out of here and you're not going to follow. Deal?"

"Deal." the Foyts chorused.

Frank walked back to the Bisonte, got in and soon he and Darius drove off.

After they were gone, the Foyts raised each of their left hands and showed that their fingers were crossed.

"Give me a hand to get the car back on the road, honey." Alice said. "We'll find ourselves a different Cannonballer who'll hopefully have less cojones!"

"Roger that!" Janice smirked.

---

Above the MASK team, two of G.I. Joe's commanding officers, Flint and Duke, performed surveillance in an F-14.

"Looks like the MASK team was right to call us for help." said Duke. "The alien infectees set up shop right in the way of the race course."

"When the Cannonballers get here, they could be in trouble." said Flint. "We'd better go and get some help for them."

"Can't we go in there and lend our assistance right now?" asked Duke. "The infectees aren't going to let up anytime soon."

"I'd like to get in there as much as you do, but we're only doing recon." said Flint. "Our mission is to investigate and report back to Hawk, then bring in an assault force. Besides, the two of us probably aren't going to make much of a difference in the Skystriker."

"I understand." said Duke. He looked at the control panel and said "Hey, our cabin pressure is dropping. We might have a hull breach. You'd better check your oxygen supply."

Flint checked his own instruments. "My oxygen tank is full." he reported. "If the problem gets bad enough, we should be able to...wait, cabin pressure is normal."

"Just making sure you had air." said Duke as he pulled the eject lever.

The rear half of the canopy blew off and Duke's seat rocketed out. As soon as he was clear, Duke came free of the seat and plunged towards the ground. Flint quickly threw his oxygen mask over his face.

"Hawk, this is Flint. Duke has punched out. Repeat, Duke has punched out."

"What?" replied Hawk. "Why did he do that?"

"Apparently, he wanted to lend direct and immediate assistance to MASK." said Flint. "I'm flying with half a canopy. I'll have to return to base for repairs."

"Before you do, drop Duke's Arctic Ops pack." said Hawk. "Otherwise, he won't last long enough for rescue in that cold. We stowed them aboard just in case."

"Got it." said Flint. He pressed a switch. A weapons case was dropped from the Skystriker.

Below the Skystriker, Duke continued to dive towards the icy landscape of Antarctica. He checked his wrist-mounted altimeter and saw he was just about to reach the minimum altitude to pull his ripcord. He popped his chute and glided to the snow. The MASK agents saw him land.

"Agent Sanchez?" asked Duke. "Sergeant Conrad Hauser, G.I. Joe."

"So, you're this 'Duke' I've heard of." said Jeremy. "You sure know how to make an entrance."

"Incoming!" yelled Charlie.

The agents dove out of the way of the falling weapons crate which hit the snow in the middle of the MASK vehicles.

Enzo mumbled something in Italian.

"I believe that's for me." said Duke. He walked over to the crate and opened it.

---

In San Andreas, outside the main office of the National Office Of Security Enforcement, Agent Banner and Sheriff Baxter had set up a press conference to announce their teaming up and the unveiling of the Crusader.

Banner and Baxter stood at a podium under a marquee which had a ramp leading up to a platform.

"Thank you all for coming here today, ladies and gentlemen." Banner announced. "I'm sure that you know by now that my anti-Cannonball Run task-force has now officially grown and we have combined our efforts with Sheriff Baxter of Tennessee here."

"We call our new until the Cannonball Run Assault Patrol." Baxter said, before raising a warning finger. "Before anybody says it, I DO know what that abbreviates to. But I assure you that our task-force will be no laughing matter. For too long has the Cannonball run roughshod over the globe with the drivers violating just about every vehicular law known to man and making complete fools out of the fine police officers trusted to keep the peace."

"That is exactly why we have decided that it's time for the gloves to come off." added Banner. "We have constructed a new assault vehicle to bring the fight to the Cannonballers and bring them to justice. It is called the Crusader. You will see it very shortly, but we have prepared a demonstration."

"Agent Garcia? Agent Buckner?" Baxter asked two nearby N.O.O.S.E. agents who were engrossed in their smartphones.

"Come on, Mario! You can handle those barrels!" Garcia grumbled as he played a game of 'Donkey Kong'.

"Ahem." Banner cleared his throat impatiently.

"Speedy's on my tail. It's either you or me, pal!" Buckner grumbled under his breath as he played 'Pac-Man'.

Baxter pulled out a police whistle and blew it loudly which caused the two agents to snap to attention.

"What have you two been told about retro-gaming on the job?!" Baxter snapped. "Now, show them the video and the schematics before we have you both suspended without pay for the next three months!"

"Yes, sir!" Buckner and Garcia saluted.

Garcia went over and activated a video screen which showed several images from different angles of the now-completed Crusader. The old Chevy truck now had a triple-intake bug catcher supercharger protruding through the hood and had a set of bull bars fitted to the front grille.

"C.R.A.P. has added performance modifications for it to be able to keep up with any Cannonball race vehicle. In addition to the supercharger, the truck now has turbo tuning, a race transmission, improved torque, lowered suspension, hydraulics, racing brakes and a supply of nitrous oxide." Garcia announced.

Buckner then projected an image showing a schematic diagram of the layout of the Crusader.

"As you can also see here, the truck is more than able to handle a combat situation." Buckner stated. "It has a fitted roll cage, reinforced chassis and bumper, full armor on the body and bulletproof tires. In addition, there are weapons on-board in secret compartments on the hood and the front end."

"In compartments in the hood are twin mounted machine guns. But they will only be used to take out the tires on a fleeing vehicle. In the front are a bean-bag launching gun, a harpoon with attached tow cable for reeling in a captured vehicle and a specially created device which we call an Auto Taser." Garcia announced. "It works off the same principle as the military-developed Electronic Disruption Beam weapon in that it shorts out the electrical system of any vehicle and leaves it powerless and easy to capture."

The reporters looked impressed.

"Well, there you have it." Banner smirked. "Any questions?"

One male reporter stood up. "Mike Whitley, Weazel News. With a vehicle like that, why don't you just enter the Cannonball yourselves, Agent Banner?"

Banner frowned. "You honestly expect me to become openly involved in an illegal activity?!" he snapped. "You are seriously deluded! Anyway, the Crusader is now about to arrive and we will have a demonstration of the weapons systems and the armored body."

"So, where is it?" asked Whitley.

They heard the sound of a high-powered engine approaching the building from the road outside.

"Ask and ye shall receive as the Good Lord said." Baxter smirked as he looked through a pair of binoculars.

Banner had a look through his own binoculars. He then turned pale.

"Is that JUNIOR driving it?!" he yelled in terror.

The Crusader crashed right through the barrier arm on the entrance to the N.O.O.S.E. building without stopping and careened out of control towards the marquee.

"YOU STUPID SUMBITCH!" yelled Buford who was in the passenger seat. "STOP THIS FRIGGING THING!"

"I'm trying, daddy!" Junior protested.

The reporters scattered in a panic as the truck ran towards them. Baxter, Banner, Garcia and Buckner dove for cover as the Crusader ran towards the podium and crashed right through it. It then rammed into the ramped marquee and came to a halt, causing the overhead awning to collapse on top of it.

Buford and Junior staggered out of their respective doors.

"BUFORD!" Banner yelled lividly.

"JUNIOR!" Buford yelled in turn at his son.

"NAMASTE!" Junior yelled. He then looked confused. "Wait, what are we doing?"

Buford took off his hat and walloped Junior the back of the head with it.

"What in the name of Creation were you two playing at?!" Banner demanded.

"On the way here, we were able to take down some asshole trust fund kid racer with the Auto Taser." Buford explained. "Junior did it, so I thought it would be safe for him to deliver the Crusader here."

"And you say that Junior's the dumb one out of the two of you?!" snapped Baxter.

"The accelerator stuck." Junior grumbled as he looked at his shoes.

"You two hayseed halfwits better hope that the truck's okay." Baxter growled.

A group of N.O.O.S.E. agents had started to remove the debris from around the Crusader. Amazingly, it hadn't even been dented or scratched.

"Oh, thank God!" Banner sighed as he mopped his brow.

"Looks like it is as tough as you said it would be." said Whitley as he came over.

"Yeah. Well, the Cannonballers are sure as hell going to see it in action once they clear Antarctica." Banner replied. "If the cold there doesn't slow them down, we will. And then throw the book at them. Followed by the book shelf and then the entire Library of Congress."

"Can I quote that?" asked Whitley.

Baxter sneered at Whitley. "You're goddamn Weazel News! You'll quote it whether we want you to or not! And probably hang us with it at your own convenience!"

"Good point." nodded Whitley.

---

Back in Antarctica, James drove the Peligro across the frozen landscape.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'." he said.

"Is it snow?" asked Giovanni.

"Yes." said James.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'." said Giovanni.

"Is it sky?" asked James.

"Yes." said Giovanni.

"I spy with my little eye..." said James.

"If you say something that begins with 'S', I will kill you." said Giovanni.

"No. It begins with 'F'." James finished, sounding slightly scared.

"'F'?" asked Meowth.

"Yes. Flying saucers!" James said in a panicked tone.

"What are youse..." Meowth began before a laser blast nearly hit the Peligro.

Team Rocket looked up and saw a squadron of Yuri's Floating Discs swooping down on them from above, firing laser blasts at them.

They were manned by groups of androids wearing white jumpsuits and golden masks. These were the Ugatz soldiers of the Pollution Ministers.

"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Jessie yelled at James.

"I'll try, but it would help if the MIBs were still in the Cannonball this time!" whined James as he floored it.

The Peligro roared across the icy countryside as the Floating Disks kept up their attack.

The Floating Discs kept up their pursuit and continued dropping the laser blasts at Team Rocket.

James deftly drove across the arctic tundra. A couple of times, he jumped off the edge of ridges and landed on the ground beyond them. He managed to keep ahead of the explosions caused by the laser blasts as they knocked chunks of ice and snow out of nearby cliff faces and nearly buried the Peligro.

One laser blast narrowly missed the Peligro as it made another jump over a ridge and destroyed an old, empty wooden shed as they sped on.

Up ahead of them, the Bionic Cheetah had stopped and parked. Space Ghost and Moltar had built a snowman and were just adding the finishing touches to it whilst Zorak stood nearby and looked disgusted.

"Only you two would think it was worthwhile to stop and do this." Zorak grumbled. "We could have waited and gone to Wisconsin after we finish the race."

"Well, at least here there's no-one to bother us." chipped in Space Ghost.

Just then, they heard the sound of explosions and a horn honking.

"What the...SHIT!" yelled Space Ghost as he and Moltar jumped out of the way.

The Peligro roared through the clearing, still being chased by the Discs and ploughed right through the snowman as Team Rocket sped on.

"YOU BIG MEANIES!" yelled Moltar as he rolled up a snowball and threw it after the Peligro.

"Meanies?" Zorak said. "What, are you five years old?"

"Does your mouth have an 'off' switch?" asked Space Ghost grumpily.

As Team Rocket sped on, a couple of snowmobiles roared off the top of a slope and after them whilst the Discs kept firing at them. Riding the snowmobiles were the Slabs. They were also alien androids who wore black leather jumpsuits and black full-face motorcycle helmets. They were in fact constructed entirely out of leather and were very resilient.

The Slabs on the snowmobiles fired their laser rifles and tried to flank the Peligro.

James made another jump off the edge of a thirty foot ridge and headed for the ground.

As he made the jump, one of the Floating Discs got too low and the Peligro ramped off of it, causing it to lose altitude and crash.

"YEAH!" Jessie laughed in triumph.

James grunted and crashed the Peligro through an empty wooden hut, destroying it and managing to hinder the Slabs a bit.

Soon, the Cadillac was racing on a narrow road on a cliff face as James kept trying to shake their pursuers.

"That's right." said the Ugatz leader in the main Floating Disc. "Herd them towards our ground troops up ahead."

One more laser blast caused a minor avalanche from the side of the cliff, which the Peligro narrowly avoided.

James crashed the Peligro through a small fence and roared up the side of a ridge.

In front of them was a platoon of Slabs armed also with laser rifles who were standing in formation.

Behind them was an old barn which they had been using as a base.

"Hang on!" James yelled as he activated their nitrous shot.

"You're crazy!" Jessie yelled.

As the Peligro was propelled forward, the Ugatz on the ground were too scared to fire at it and scattered as it crested the hill, flew through the air and crashed through the boarded-up top window of the barn and roared through it.

"I'm taking them out!" said one Ugatz in one of the Discs and fired a laser blast right at the barn.

Just before it impacted, the Peligro crashed out of the rear top part of the barn and landed hard back on the tundra again.

As the barn exploded, James kept going fast and avoided getting caught in the blast zone.

"James! JAMES!" Meowth yelled as he saw the edge of a sheer cliff approaching.

James turned to the left and slid towards the cliff. He fought with the steering wheel and tried to bring the car to a halt. He came to a stop right at the edge.

"Wow, that was close." said James.

"Boss, are you okay?" asked Jessie

Giovanni said "I blacked out. Where am I? AHHHHH!"

---

Ford drove along the highway in the Overlord which now had a new front bumper.

"Boy, that new carburetor sure adds some oomph." said Cleveland.

"Yeah." said Ford. "Too bad there's no one to race down here but the penguins."

"Hey, maybe we can race one of the other teams." said Jazz.

"Not a bad idea." said Ford. "I'll challenge the next team we see."

Just then, the Red Fury passed them.

"Bingo." said Ford.

Ford followed the Red Rangers until they came upon a sprawling complex.

"What is that place?" asked Nick.

"I checked the info on the Cannonball website." said Casey. "It's apparently an observation base to keep an eye on some aliens."

"Aliens?" Nick thought to himself in confusion.

"Looks pretty big for an observation base." said Mack.

"It's in the middle of Antarctica." said Casey. "Who knows when the next supply run comes?"

Ford pulled up behind them and honked his horn. He pulled alongside them and rolled down his window. "Hey, you guys looking to get your asses kicked?" he yelled.

"You might want to close that window." said Nick. "It's like a world of liquid nitrogen out there."

"If you're challenging us to a race," said Casey "we've done races all over the highways of the last three continents. We could use a new idea to spice things up."

"How about that over-sized campsite over there?" asked Cleveland as he pointed to the base.

"That could work." said Casey. "Let's see if they're game."

Casey and Ford pulled over to the base entrance. The guard saw them approach and immediately called the base commander. "Sir, we've got a couple of cars approaching." he said. "I think they might be Cannonballers!"

"Cannonballers? Really?" asked the base commander. "See what they want."

Ford and Casey pulled up to the gate and the guard approached them. "Halt." he said. "What is your business here?"

"We were looking to have a race on your base." said Ford. "Hey, they can't all be winners."

"Uh, we're Cannonballers." said Mack. "We're looking to take a break from the main race to have a smaller race."

The guard got back onto his radio and said "Yes, sir. They're Cannonballers. They want to have a side race on the base."

"Really?" asked the commander. "Well, we're still getting set up. Maybe the men would like a little bit of entertainment in the meantime."

"He says 'yes'." said the guard.

"Let's get to it." said Ford.

The Overlord and Red Fury lined up next to each other. Ford and Casey revved their engines. A truck from the base pulled in front of them and drove down the access road. A man in the back of the truck flagged them to start.

Both cars took off racing. The Red Fury took an early lead, but the Overlord started to catch up.

Both Casey and Ford attempted to pass the truck. Casey managed to squeeze past. Ford struggled to make it by.

"Oh! Someone's a road hog!" he said.

"Wait, look!" said Jazz as she pointed to a parking lot under construction.

Ford pulled into the parking lot and used it to pass the truck. He continued to close the gap with the Red Fury.

The access road curved to the right. Casey steered into it and easily made the turn. Ford, however, went a little too wide and ended up on another access road.

The two cars raced along on two parallel access roads separated by smaller buildings under construction.

"I don't think that's the way to go." said Mack.

"Okay, we're a little off the track but..." said Ford.

"Look out!" yelled Cleveland.

Ford looked forward to see the frame of a building under construction. He drove into the frame and tore through the supports. The Overlord smashed through the wall on the other side and jumped off the embankment onto the access road. The Red Fury came around the turn behind it.

Ford took another turn towards the entrance and floored it. Casey got on the gas as well and slowly caught up to him.

"Come on." said Nick. "Get this guy."

"Hey diddle diddle." said Ford. "The cat and the fiddle. The Firebird goes to its doom."

He threw the Overlord into the next gear and surged ahead. He raced over the finish line with the Red Fury a second behind it.

"Ohhhhh!" yelled Ford.

The two cars pulled up next to each other at the entrance to the base.

"Looks like you got a new date to the prom." said Ford.

"Laugh it up." said Mack. "We still got half this continent and the next three before someone wins this race."

"Right." said Ford. "See ya!" He drove off.

---

Tobias drove the Ambitious along the highway while Buster sat in the passenger seat. Both looked rather guilty.

"While Michael got in some sleep, he let Tobias and Buster have a turn at the wheel. This proved to be a little bit of a problem."

"You know, we're going to have to tell him sooner or later." said Buster.

"Let's make it later." said Tobias.

Michael woke up in the backseat and sat up. "Ah, that was a nice rest." he said.

"Ah, nice spacious backseat, isn't it?" asked Tobias. "I'm willing to bet it's big enough for us both to lay down together."

"I'd rather not-" said Michael. "Where's the rearview?"

"Oh, it got torn off when we hit the snowbank." said Buster.

"What?" asked Michael. "When did we hit the snowbank?"

"While you were sleeping." said Buster. "Don't worry about it. The grille got it a lot worse."

"The grille?" asked Michael. "Stop this car now!"

Tobias pulled over and stopped. Michael and Tobias climbed out and approached the front of the car. Most of the grille had been smashed.

"How did this happen?" asked Michael.

"Well, driving in snow is not as easy as you'd think." said Tobias. "Back in Boston, I used to walk everywhere in winter."

"You should have woken me up." said Michael.

"Well, you tend to get a little testy when you're woken up prematurely." said Tobias.

"Michael was about to launch into a long tirade which we'd most likely have to bleep when something caught his and Tobias' eye."

"Wait, what's going on over there?" asked Tobias.

"Hang on." said Michael. "I'll be right back."

He went to check out the disturbance while the Cowboy pulled up and stopped. Sway and Memphis climbed out.

"Whoa, what happened to you?" asked Sway.

"I hit a snowbank." said Tobias. "How on Earth do you drive in this crap?"

"Slower." said Memphis.

"Michael made his way towards the disturbance while Memphis gave Tobias a few pointers on winter driving. Michael soon came to regret his decision as he came upon the most frightening thing he'd ever seen."

Michael looked at an ice sculpture of a man squatting and giving both fingers.

"No, not that one."

The camera panned to the right across the snowy landscape.

"Wait for it."

Two men with glowing, yellow eyes wrestled a man wearing a uniform from the nearby base to his knees.

"There."

"Should we be doing this?" asked one of the glowing eye men.

"He's from the base." said the other. "He'll make a perfect mole."

"That's not going to work." protested the man from the base. "They check us daily. Your plan's going to be noticed too quickly."

"Or we can use you to check their safety protocols." said the alien.

His partner took out a green meteor roughly the size of a bowling ball and placed it on the ground. The first one held the man from the base over the meteor. The meteor started to release gas bubbles on its side.

"Michael was about to witness his first alien infection."

Michael started to hyperventilate. The side of the meteor burst open and splattered the man from the base with slime. Michael gasped.

"And gesundheit."

The slime slipped off the face of the man from the base revealing glowing, yellow eyes. Michael jumped back and made his way back to the road.

"Deciding that Tobias couldn't possibly be worse than what he'd just seen, Michael decided to get the hell out of Dodge and the hell into a Chrysler."

"Ah, Michael!" said Tobias as Michael came over the rise. "Memphis and Sway here were just enlightening me to the finer points of driving."

"That's great!" said Michael as he ran for the Ambitious. "Now, let's get the (bleep) out of here!"

---

The Panama continued to drive the route towards the rest stop.

Babbage, Sorensen and Lu sat in the back seat with Gunn whilst Pitt and Giordino rode up front.

"This machine is SOOOO kewl!" Lu cheered as she admired the Panama. "I bet it's full of a lot of gears and parts that go whirr, whirr, whirr and clunk, clunk, clunk! Can I have a look at them?"

"In this cold?" asked Sorensen. "Bear in mind we have to get to where these guys are taking us, Lu. The last thing they and Professor Babbage need is you breaking it!"

"That is certainly true." said Gunn, who was trying to keep his patience with Lu and Sorensen.

"Hey, professor." asked Sorensen as he leaned forward. "Do you think the prince would like it if you could concoct a machine like this for him to travel in? With your brilliance, it should be easy and I bet he'll make you a knight."

Giordino and Pitt shared concerned glances.

Giordino turned to face Babbage.

"Are your two young friends quite sane?" he whispered. "The girl's nuts and the guy's a real ass-kisser."

"Sorry if they're annoying you, sirs." Babbage stated. "I got used to their behavior a while ago, but I guess that for other people it would take some getting used to, hmmm?"

"Whoa, KEWL!" Lu cheered as she looked out the rear window. "Another one, and it looks even better!"

Pitt looked in the rearview and saw that Stingray was right on their back bumper.

"Crap." he grumbled to himself as he sped the Panama up. Stingray kept right on them.

As Pitt kept up the speed, AMX pulled out of a side road and got next to Stingray.

"I don't think these guys want to play!" Stingray said over her CB. "Help them change their minds."

"Copy." answered AMX as he sped up ahead of Stingray, got on the left side of the Panama and then swerved in front of it. This kept Team NUMA and their friends boxed between the two muscle cars.

"Something tells me that these guys aren't exactly friendly." Pitt mumbled.

"What a nerve!" Babbage moaned. "Can you teach these guys some manners, hmmm?"

"I'll see if I can shake them." Pitt replied. "I'd rather not have a confrontation with you guys in the car."

Pitt tried to move around the AMX, but it and the Corvette matched each turn he made kept him boxed in.

"Hang on!" Pitt grunted as he made a wide swerve to the left and managed to get ahead of the Corvette and the AMX.

"Leaving so soon?" asked AMX mischievously.

Just as Team NUMA were starting to feel relieved, they looked up ahead and saw the Charger and the Camaro heading towards them side by side on a collision course.

"YIKES!" squealed Lu. "This is NOT my idea of fun!"

"You're telling me!" Sorensen whispered.

Just as Charger and Camaro were on top of the Panama, they broke ranks and went past it on each side.

"MEAN-O'S!" yelled Lu as she shook her fist through the rear windshield.

"I don't think that was wise." Gunn groaned as he saw the Charger and the Camaro turn around and join in formation with the Stingray and the AMX.

Charger smirked and made gestures to AMX, Stingray and Camaro.

"You think you can outrun 'em?" asked Giordino.

"If not, get ready for trouble." Pitt replied.

"We can handle these guys." Lu chirped. "PLEASE let us help you after you've helped us!" she begged.

"What can you do?" asked Gunn.

"You'll see." smirked Sorensen.

The Killer Cars got ready to attack again. Stingray got back on the Panama's back bumper, Charger swerved around it and got in front of it and the two other cars got on each side. The NUMA team was completely boxed-in.

The Camaro and the AMX each bashed the Panama on their respective sides, trying to wreck it between them.

"I'll give us a bit of breathing room." Pitt growled as he stepped on the brakes.

Stingray was unprepared for the move and slammed into the back of the Panama. The damage to the NUMA car was minor, but it got Stingray angry as she was slowed down.

The other three Killer Cars got a bit ahead because of Pitt's unexpected move.

Lu took a strange-looking crossbow off of her tool belt and opened her window as the Panama gained ground.

As she cranked a gear on it, she took aim at the Camaro's tires. She opened fire and shot several bolts into the tires on the Camaro's left side. This caused Camaro to wobble a bit.

Meanwhile, Sorensen opened the window on his side, and leaned forward so that his barrel was pointing outwards.

He pressed a switch in the palm of his hand and the barrel opened. From it extended a mechanical arm holding a huge mallet.

The mallet slammed down hard on the engine compartment of the AMX. This caused black smoke to come from the AMX and it was forced to come to a halt.

"YEAH!" Sorensen yelled as he shook his fist in delight.

"Al, take the wheel!" Pitt ordered as he opened the driver's side window.

Giordino took the wheel as Pitt leaned out the window with his Colt .45 in his hand.

"Hold her steady!" Pitt commanded as he took aim at the rear tires of the Charger.

He squeezed off two shots which each did the damage he hoped they would. The Charger started to lose control and swerve wildly and slide on the icy surface.

The Camaro tried to block their way, but Sorensen moved over to its side of the Panama and gave it a bash with his barrel hammer.

Soon, it was wrecked as well. Now there was just Stingray and Charger left.

"Get us ahead of this dickhead!" Pitt ordered Giordino.

"Hold on tight!" Giordino replied as he swerved and got ahead of the wildly out of control Dodge.

Pitt took careful aim again and fired two shots from his Colt straight into the radiator of the Charger, causing it to smoke and start leaking fluid.

"Goddamn it!" yelled Charger as he was brought to a halt.

Stingray had managed to catch up. However, the Charger had come to a halt right in her path and she couldn't stop in time.

"CRAAAAAAAAP!" she yelled as she crashed into Charger and piled her car up.

"Looks like they won't be bothering us for a while." Gunn cheered.

"Well done, everybody!" Babbage agreed. "Especially you two brave sirs."

"No problem." Pitt smirked.

"What about us?!" Lu asked indignantly.

"Don't get too cocky, Lu." Babbage chided.

Lu huffed and crossed her arms as the Panama sped on.

---

The Kowalski was now driving through the snow. Homer had since fixed the car properly so that it now had a pair of ski treads attached to the car like side skirts and a special booster at the back to help them move a bit faster.

"Well, it took a while, but I got it right in the end." Homer cheered.

"Yeah, but let's hope we can make up the lost ground." Marge replied.

Bart was looking out his window and then casually glanced ahead of them.

"DAD! LOOK OUT!" he yelled.

"WHOA!" Homer yelled as he saw the Rubble suddenly pull out from a side road running between two ice ridges.

Homer quickly swerved around the Rubble as Missy pulled out in front of them.

The Kowalski wobbled a bit as Homer brought it back under control.

"You're not getting off that easy, fat boy!" laughed Missy as she turned the Rubble around and drove off after the Kowalski.

"I nearly had an accident." Homer gasped.

"I know we did." Lisa said.

"That's not what I meant." Homer said nervously as his stomach rumbled a bit.

Bart looked out the back window.

"Uh, Dad? The truck's coming after us." he said.

"Are you forgetting that I once won this race?" Homer said as his nerve returned. "We'll beat them!".

Homer pressed a button and the Kowalski's booster engine kicked into action, shooting flame from the special exhaust at the back.

"Oh no, you don't!" snarled Missy as she sped up the Rubble and kept pace with the Kowalski. "This thing has a great engine for a hunk of junk. Maybe I should go on 'Street Outlaws'." she joked to herself again.

"Uh oh." Marge whispered. "Everybody, strap yourselves in!"

The Rubble eventually got on the right side of the Kowalski and Missy tried to ram the car off the road. Homer was pushed over to the shoulder a bit, but quickly sped up and got back on the road and kept ahead of the Rubble.

Missy grunted to herself and floored the Rubble's accelerator as Homer activated a quick shot of nitrous.

Maggie cheered happily.

"She's very excited for someone in mortal danger." Bart said as he turned pale.

"Why are you being so negative?" asked Lisa.

"I'm not negative. I'm POSTIVE we're gonna end up splattered all over the road!" Bart replied as the Rubble caught up with them.

Homer swerved the Kowalski from side to side to make sure that Missy couldn't pass on either side. But Missy matched each swerve he made and kept right on his back bumper.

"Game over, slaphead!" Missy laughed as she bumped the Kowalski's back bumper.

"Oh, someone's a Spielberg fan!" Homer said sarcastically.

Homer turned the Kowalski a bit off the road, but Missy kept after them and rammed the rear of the Kowalski again.

"Doesn't look like they're gonna back off." Marge said, getting very worried.

"Okay! Time for plan B." said Homer as he took out the mask that Gloria Baker had given him earlier.

"Dad, where did you get that?" asked Lisa.

"One of the MASK agents gave it to me." said Homer. "She said it would come in handy at some point."

He put on the mask and steered towards the side of a cliff face.

"Homie?" asked Marge, concerned.

"I've got this." said Homer. "Penetrator, on!"

The Kowalski was surrounded by a yellow glow and drove into the side of the cliff face. It passed right through the rock wall.

"What the...?" asked Missy as she brought the Rubble to a halt. She saw their tracks lead right up to the side of the ridge.

The Simpsons looked around at the inside of the ridge in awe.

"Cool." said Bart.

They careened through darkness with lightning bolts and meteorites flying all around them.

"Wow." said Lisa. "This must be that Eighth Dimension Dr. Banzai was talking about."

"Homer, look out." said Marge.

One of the meteorites struck the bottom of the Kowalski.

"Nothing lasts forever." said Homer.

On the other side of the ridge, the ice wall glowed yellow. Seconds later, the Kowalski sped out and kept racing along.

"We made it!" cheered Bart.

"Yay!" cheered Lisa.

Marge chuckled to herself.

---

Lara and her team sped along in the Vulcano. Joanna, Nina and Anna had all gone to sleep and had blankets draped over themselves.

Even though it was still a race, Lara enjoyed the ride as she took her turn to drive.

As Lara hummed to herself, a hail of bullets suddenly riddled the rear windshield of the car.

"What the...?!" she yelled.

The Technical had got behind them. Lester was driving with Yuri in the passenger seat and Luther manning the machine gun in the bed.

Luther lined up the Vulcano in his sights again and prepared to fire.

Lara stepped on the brakes and the Technical rammed into the Lamborghini's rear-end, causing the gunfire to miss it and hit the road ahead of it.

"Lucky bitches!" Luther grumbled to himself.

Lara hit the accelerator and got a good lead on the Technical.

Luther fired a few more shots after the green Lambo and did a bit of damage to the engine compartment.

"Shit." Lara thought to herself. She gunned the engine for all it was worth, but the damage the engine had taken had caused the Vulcano to have trouble getting up to its' full RPM.

As Luther slapped a fresh clip into the Technical's machine gun, Lester smirked and got alongside the Vulcano and gave a nasty wink to Lara as they overtook her.

Lara up shifted and the Vulcano began to gain a bit of ground and overtook the Technical.

Lester tried to swerve past her, but she matched each turn they took and blocked them.

"Anytime now, you big lunk!" Yuri yelled to Luther who had now lined up the Vulcano in his sights again.

Luther fired again and took out the rear tires of the Vulcano.

Lara cursed to herself as she was put off the road.

"Perfect!" Lester laughed to himself as he turned the Technical around and drove back the way they came.

He honked the horn mockingly as they passed the Vulcano stuck in the ditch.

The landing woke Joanna up and she looked around confused.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Someone was very unsporting." Lara growled. "Do we still have the auto-inflate mode functional?"

Joanna checked the buttons on the dash.

"Yes. It looks like we do." she confirmed.

"Hit it." Lara ordered. Joanna pressed the button and as the deflated rear tires fell off the Vulcano, a pair of new ones were formed in their place around the rims.

"Smashing." Lara smirked. "Now to teach someone how to treat a lady."

She started the Vulcano up again and got back on the road and went in pursuit of the Technical.

Yuri and Lester laughed as the latter drove the Technical along the tundra.

"With that damage and not enough proper supplies for this climate, Ms. Croft and company are as good as dead." Yuri smirked.

"You'd think those bimbos would know better to pack proper cold weather gear instead of wearing their stupid Wilma Deering outfits no matter what the weather's like." Lester agreed.

"Actually, Wilma Deering wore a SPANDEX jumpsuit and those girls wear leather ones." Yuri corrected. "There's a difference."

"Dork." Lester said to himself, covering his mouth as he pretended to cough.

"Hey!" Luther yelled as he knocked on the roof of the truck.

Lester checked the mirror and saw the Vulcano coming up behind them.

"Take them out!" Lester yelled to Luther.

Luther swung the machine gun around to face the rear and pulled the trigger.

The gun clicked as it jammed.

"Goddamn it!" he yelled as he tried to fix the gun.

"Hurry up!" Yuri snapped.

"I'm not an expert at this, you know!" Luther moaned. "I've never had much use for a gun before because I'm used to people being intimidated by my size!"

The Vulcano got alongside the Technical.

Lester tried to swerve into the side of the green Lambo to damage it more, but Lara avoided the collision and got past the truck.

As the Vulcano got ahead of the Technical, Luther cleared the blockage in the gun's chamber and opened fire again.

Just as he did, Joanna activated the flame thrower on the Vulcano.

The flames hit the front end of the Technical and caused Lester to yelp in horror and swerve wildly.

The Technical went off the edge of the road and tumbled down an embankment onto a frozen lake.

"Can you swim, boys?" Joanna taunted them as the Technical came to a rest on the ice.

As the ice started to crack, a glow emerged from the wrecked Technical.

Yuri levitated out of the wreckage carrying Lester and Luther inside two more 'bubbles' of psychic power like the one he himself was levitating inside.

"This isn't over!" Yuri promised as he levitated himself and his cronies away to safety whilst the Technical sank through the cracked ice into the lake.

"Anytime." Lara declaimed grimly.

Nina and Anna now woke up.

"Did we miss anything?" asked Anna as she stretched and yawned.

Nina looked in confusion at the bullet damage the car had taken.

"What the bloody hell happened to the car?" she yelped.

"Don't worry. We're not far from the rest stop." Lara promised. "We'll make it there."

"On the plus side, the auto-inflate works." Joanna beamed.

"I wish I wasn't such a heavy sleeper." Nina grumbled.

"You and me both" agreed Anna.

---

As Venom drove the Utopia, the Drake was on the car phone trying to get a connection to Race Central.

Eventually, Brock picked up the phone on the other end.

"Hello?" Brock asked.

"Hey there, Mr. Yates. It's Seymour Drake again, checking in for the puzzle hunt." the Drake said happily.

There was a brief pause. Then Brock spoke again.

"Uh, Seymour. There is no puzzle hunt for Antarctica." he stated.

"Huh?" asked the Drake.

"Well, boss, it makes sense." Ron added. "Do you see many landmarks around here? Let alone notable ones?"

"Goddamn it!" huffed the Drake.

"Don't worry. There's always South America." Brock cajoled. "But if it makes you feel better, I'll patch you through to the band's frequency so you can make a request. Hold on."

After a brief 'click' sound, LL Cool J answered the phone.

"Hey there, guys. Do you have a request?" asked Cool J.

"Cool J, my man!" Cheered Venom. "I'm glad you answered."

"You like hip-hop?" asked the Drake.

"On occasion." Venom replied. "So, Cool J, can you give us some great driving music?"

"We certainly will." Usher's voice chipped in. "Me, Cool J and Moby have got something sweet for ya, homie!"

"Excellent." Venom smirked.

As the Utopia drove on, Moby started the song off with a keyboard riff, shortly followed by the beat of the song being started.

Usher then started vocalizing the opening of the song.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ahh-ow!

As the song picked up the pace, the Nightmare came up behind the Utopia as both vehicles sped through the courtyard of an abandoned ice station.

Uzi got his gun ready, before Simon eased the gun down.

"No need for gun play right now." Simon said as he drove. "We'll have a little fun first."

Cha cha cha.
Cha cha cha.

The Nightmare got alongside the Utopia. Simon looked over and gave Venom a 'brother' nod, which Venom returned just as Cool J began lead vocals on the song.

O Holy motor.
What sort of magic be this?
I'm just a hot flash.
I'm just a wind in the mist.

Speedlines.
Got your head in a twist.
I'm made of motion.
What kind of magic is this?

The Utopia and the Nightmare raced side by side. But then, Simon swerved and rammed into the side of the Utopia.

"Dinner time, asshole!" Simon sneered.

"HEY!" Venom yelled as the Nightmare got ahead of the Utopia.

"Nobody disrespects us like that!" the Drake yelled. "Catch that peroxide-wearing jerk!"

"My pleasure." grunted Venom as he drove after the Nightmare, which was keeping ahead of them. Cool J continued into the next verse of his song.

You think you're hot shit.
You're just a name on a list.
I crossed you out kid.
I did it quick as a whip.
You're gone.
All at the flick of a wrist.
I'm made of motion.
And you don't even exist.

The Utopia kept right on the Nightmare's tail as both cars steered through the gaps in between a few wrecked semi-trailers. Simon was able to make each turn just before Venom could and kept ahead of them.

"For such an old car, that Chevy's fast." Ron observed.

"Not for much longer." grunted Venom as the vehicles came out from between the trailers and he got alongside the Nightmare once again.

Usher began to sing the chorus of the song.

Can't believe you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm cruising at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

You got the gall, you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm burning at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

The Utopia got a brief lead on the Nightmare.

"Now for the Big Gulp." Simon grinned as he rammed into the side of the Utopia again and forced it up a small incline near the entrance to a warehouse.

Venom braked hard and just about avoided a collision as the Utopia hit the side of the warehouse entrance and came to a halt.

As the Nightmare sped on, Lidell, Goldilocks and Digit all gave Team Drake the middle finger with both hands out of its rear window.

"SHIT!" chorused the Drake and Ron.

"No problem." Venom snarled as he put the Utopia into reverse and backed out of the alcove they were in. The damage was thankfully minimal. After backing out, Venom threw the Bimmer into gear and drove out of the factory grounds and up an incline as Cool J started rapping again.

Another sucker, another buzz.
But I ain't nowhere, I never was.
Speedlines, speedlines.
Speedlines, speedlines.

As the Utopia reached the top of the incline, Team Drake saw that the Nightmare had turned around about fifty feet away from them and was now facing them.

Venom stopped briefly and tightened his driving gloves and then sped towards the Impala, which came for them on a collision course.

You think you're hot shit.
You're just a name on a list.
I crossed you out kid.
I did it quick as a whip.
You're gone.
All at the flick of a wrist.
I'm made of motion.
And you don't even exist.

Just as the Nightmare was about to ram into the Utopia, Simon turned the car to the left. Venom turned the Utopia to the right and both vehicles were now side by side again as they roared down the road.

Both vehicles raced side by side, with each of them jockeying for position. The Nightmare got a lead, but the Utopia eased ahead of it.

Can't believe you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm cruising at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

As the Utopia eased ahead of the Nightmare, Simon once again swerved and rammed into the side of Team Drake's car a few times.

"Can you PLEASE stop this moron from banging up my car?" asked the Drake in irritation.

"Just give me a moment." Venom whispered.

You got the gall, you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm burning at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

Simon swerved the Nightmare off by a long distance to prepare to give the Utopia an even more powerful ram. Venom had seen this coming.

Just as Simon prepared to ram the Utopia, Venom floored the accelerator.

Simon was unprepared and the Nightmare crashed into an ice face.

Venom honked the Utopia's horn in triumph as Team Drake sped on.

I'm made of motion.
(Motion)
I'm just a line in the mist.
I'm just a phantom.
(Phantom)
And you don't even exist.

Cha cha cha.

Simon pounded the Nightmare's steering wheel and started the old Impala up again and soon went after the Utopia again.

"Now to give them something to remember us by." Venom smirked as he activated a switch on the Utopia's dashboard.

A small compartment just under the Utopia's rear bumper opened up and spilled out spiked jacks into the road behind the car.

"You watch a lot of 007 movies, boss?" asked Ron.

"On occasion." the Drake replied.

Cool J continued his rap.

There's my name in your mouth, and my dust in your lungs.
Speedlines got the prize 'fore you even begun.
There's my dust in your lungs, and my name in your mouth.
Speedlines, full tale, yeah we're turning it out.

Venom drove on at high speed, just as the Nightmare turned the corner behind them and tried to follow.

Uzi saw the spiked jacks in the road.

"DETOUR, BOSS! DETOUR!" he yelled, but it was too late. The Nightmare drove over the jacks and popped all four of its tires as Usher sang the last chorus of the song.

Can't believe you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm cruising at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

You got the gall, you got the nerve to come after me.
Coming fast, but I'm burning at hyperspeed.
Million miles, millisecond, the fastest, see.
It's all part of my miracle masterpiece.

"SHIT!" yelled Lidell.

"Just look for spares." Digit suggested.

"What kind of car carries FOUR spares, dumb ass?!" Goldilocks snapped.

Team Drake was by now far ahead of them as Cool J and Usher finished off their song with Cool J rapping and Usher singing the responses.

There's my name in your mouth, and my dust in your lungs.
(Coming fast, but I'm cruising at hyperspeed)
Speedlines, question mark on the tip of your tongue.
(It's all part of my miracle masterpiece)
There's my dust in your lungs, and my name in your mouth.
(Coming fast, but I'm burning at hyperspeed)
Speedlines, full tale, yeah we're turning it out.
(It's all part of my miracle masterpiece)

-"Speedline Miracle Masterpiece" by Tunde Adebimpe ft. Sal P & Sinkane.

---

The Maniac 2 drove through the area, locked in a race with the Destroyer.

"Can't you leave him behind?" asked the Baroness.

"It's not as easy as it looks." said Destro. "What does he have in that thing?"

Liam laughed. "Oh, look at this boy's mask. It's so much less imaginative than ours."

"It's not the mask I'm worried about." said Max. "It's the doofus wearing it."

Suddenly, the Battle and Aquila whipped out of a side road.

"Faster!" demanded Cobra Commander. "We can't let the Joe team win this!"

"It's not as easy as it looks." said Storm Shadow.

"I don't think he's up to par." said Clutch.

"Time to hit the gas," said Stalker "and let the V-8 blast!"

The Battle took the lead with the Maniac 2 catching up quickly.

"Well, at least I wouldn't mind losing to these guys." said Laura.

"Here they come." said Rock 'N' Roll.

The Battle raced past a small pillar of ice with the Maniac 2 right behind it. The Destroyer and Aquila came right behind them.

"Yo Joe!" yelled Clutch.

"Ah, what can you do?" asked Max.

They came to a clearing with bowling ball sized green rocks.

"What the devil?" asked Destro.

"Guys, those are spore pods." said Max.

The four cars stopped and the drivers climbed out.

"What did you say these were?" asked Shipwreck.

"Spore pods." said Laura. "These contain the spores that take over human minds and make them slaves."

"Perhaps we should collect some." said Cobra Commander. "We can use their possessive properties to our advantage."

"We're standing right here." said Stalker sternly.

"Twister, on!" called Liam. His mask projected two tornadoes which swept up the spore pods. The pods disintegrated in the twin vortexes.

"Well, it looks like we've got some good news." said Liam.

Just then, several humans with glowing yellow eyes made their way into the clearing and looked to them in anger.

"And there's the bad news." said Max.

"Sit-rep." said Clutch. "How many hostiles?"

"I count eight." said Rock 'N' Roll. "We've got them outnumbered."

Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow drew their swords. Destro pressed a switch on the side of his mask.

Zartan pressed a button on his glove and turned invisible.

"Wha?" yelled Max. "Copycat!"

A pair of aliens approached Destro. He used his mask's sensors to scan them.

"These two have no armor." he said. "They have no torso protection aside from their cold weather gear. However, trapping them will suffice." He fired one of his wrist rockets at the ice in front of them. The aliens slid into the resulting hole.

Three more attacked Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow.

"We don't need swords for this." said Storm Shadow. He put his swords away and raised his hands. The aliens attacked and Storm Shadow responded with a series of kicks and strikes. He quickly rendered one attacker unconscious. The other two pressed the attack.

He guarded against one while trying to land a blow on the other. The one he guarded against suddenly found himself in a stranglehold from Snake-Eyes. Storm Shadow tagged the other one in several pressure points. His opponent lost consciousness just as the one Snake-Eyes held did.

Another alien attacked Max and Liam. "This one is going down." said Max.

The alien grabbed Max and Liam by their collars. He prepared to slam them together when Laura grabbed his shoulder. "Doctor, on!" she called.

A while glow engulfed her glove and the man. The yellow glow disappeared from his eyes. "Oh, thank you." he said.

The last two ran towards the group. "Must take recruits." said one. Suddenly, they stopped and crashed into each other headfirst. Zartan then faded back into view while standing over them.

"That appears to be the last of them." said the Baroness.

A dozen more alien possessed humans, four of them on ATVs, showed up.

"Could you please not say things like that in the future?" asked Clutch in despair.

TO BE CONTINUED