Eyes that see into Infinity
Part 2
Chapter Twenty Seven
/
Hephaistion could be cold sometimes but it's because his duty is to defend and protect me at all costs and my duty is to love and cherish him till the day I die. I had a non judgmental view of the world and Phai was always on the defensive. He did not see the world as equals and he did not see people as trustworthy. I had a strong desire to help people. Phai had a strong desire to help himself because he knew he would need to in the long run and he was right. No one has your back the way you have your own back. You can't trust anyone but yourself, was his way of thinking. And he thought me weak for putting trust in so many people and getting hurt along the way. I allowed people to take advantage of me. Phai wouldn't allow one person to even breath if they tried. Phai has little regrets. I regret most things. I do not have great reasoning skills. Phai is gifted with logic and understanding. Me, I just want to see what happens. I am extroverted. Phai plans carefully. He is introverted. I don't have an ounce of patience in me. Phai has all the patience in the world. I'm not a good communicator. Phai is. I allow my personal life to rule my work life. Phai allows his work life to rule his personal life. Phai hides his feelings from the real world because he's a private person with no intention of letting anyone in. My feelings is more unforgiving. We are complete opposites and that's why when Phai is attacked, I shut down. When I am attacked Phai stands up. He is my stronger half.
/
Love? His king calls with tears in his eyes. Shaking in disgust and terror of himself. At what he just did? What did I just do? He drops the knife he had dragged from under his pillow.
Everything is going to be alright Alexander. His lover holds him in a tight embrace. I promise. Just close your eyes. I'll be fine.
But you're crying. You're bleeding. I hurt you. The blonde man shivers madly.
Just because I'm crying it doesn't mean that I'm hurt. Just because I'm bleeding doesn't mean that I'm hurt either. It means that I'm worried about you. I need you to calm yourself. I need you to relax and I need you to realize that this was just an accident. He runs loving fingers through the king's mane, shushing him softly.
The king doesn't know if his heart and stomach could hurt any more than it was right now. He couldn't concentrate on anything other than what he had just done. He shakes his head. I'm sorry, I'm sorry Phai! I didn't mean too. He breaks down, sobbing heavily into his general's shoulder as his embrace turns firmer.
I know that you're sorry Alexander. He placed many soothing kisses on the wild crown of hair.
Why do I have to be such a tyrant? I'm so sorry Phai. The king remains in tears.
The general knows that he has to be the stronger of the two. He knows that his king had too much wine. And he knows that he needs sleep and comfort. So he pulls him closer to him. You are not a tyrant. You were having a nightmare. And sometimes nightmares can be tyrants within themselves but that doesn't make you one. The general nods to the guards to remove the knife from the room. They do on his order. He orders Alexander's Eunuch to get the king some water. The boy hurries at the request.
I almost killed you. The king continues to overwhelm himself.
The general smiles sadly. But you didn't. He hugs him even tighter, hoping to calm him down.
I'm sorry Phai. I'm sorry for all the destruction I have caused.
What destruction do you speak of Alexander? It's just a small cut on the cheek. I will get it looked at, but not until you calm down. And I promise you it will heal before you know it.
I've never hurt you in my life.
There's one time for everybody. Think of all the times I've accidentally hurt you. We used to laugh and sleep it off. It's a mistake Alex, we all make them.
It will leave a scar and that scar will only remind me why I feel guilty? The king's voice was cold now with sadness and despair.
Guilty? The sympathetic blue eyes close as he lays into his king, getting him to relax just a touch. About what?
The dissimilar intoxicating eyes of the king constrict. Sometimes I feel like I deliberately ruin us.
Ruin what?
He felt the king clinging tighter to his warmer body. Your happiness. In my dreams, when I hurt someone, I hurt you. I hurt you all the time. Sometimes I just wait for the day you tell me that you want to be free from me.
The general's lashes flicker and his eyes open at the comment. He pulls back and gently cups Alexander's wet cheeks. Why would you say that? He speaks tenderly. Why would I ever turn my back on you?
Dark brown eyes look up into his lovers. Then I could rest easy knowing that your life is a better one.
The general waits to respond. And in doing so, he can't help but feel sorry for him. His lips part to speak. I'm by your side and that's heaven. I'm not trapped Alexander. I'm not bound or chained. And what we share is not an imprisonment. I hope you are not suggesting that I don't love you? The general remains levelheaded with his king hoping it's the wine talking.
I'm suggesting that you don't have to anymore.
The general shut his eyes, transporting his mind to a better time. A time when the king thought of himself as a God instead of the devil. I'll tell you what I suggest, my golden-haired angel. You need time alone with your thoughts. You're not thinking straight because you're in a slight panic and you need to relax yourself so that it may pass. His lover kisses him on the head. I pray you rest well my king. And loving you is not a choice. I'm here to stay. Goodnight my love.
The king calls out his lover as he watches him leave. He begs and begs for his lover to come back to him, his paranoia taking control of him. The general closes the door. And when the king realizes, once hours go by, that his lover wasn't coming back to him that night, he doesn't sleep. He remains haunted by his demons and haunted by his nightmares.
About to lose his mind, he takes his half empty chalice of wine, old but still strong and consumes it all, hoping to fade.
\
Sometimes you have to wake someone up from their worst nightmares regardless of how often they return to us when we're sleeping.
Phai did that every night of my life. And that's how I pushed him away. Instead of tearing out all those empty pages, I allowed my manuscript of nightmares to define me. I allowed my demons to tell me that I didn't deserve him. I allowed myself to become terrified of who I was. I told myself that I was nothing.
And nothing I became.
It never ended. It didn't continue either. It just paused.
Forever.
Cassy walked quietly in through the door and closed it lightly. He could finally take a breath. Getting passed Phai was like walking through a minefield. The fact he even let him enter the house was a miracle. But what Phai had told him, was still bothering him. It was a lot to take in, so he could imagine how hard it was for Phai to let that all come out. He couldn't understand how Phai could let anyone take advantage of him like that all these years and not say a word to anyone about it. How could he move on from the humiliation and how could he be so naïve about Phai's feelings for so long. After everything he's done wrong in his life, he couldn't figure out anything to top this. He at least hugged him and that was a start but he was feeling pretty certain that there was nothing anyone could do to fix it. There was nothing more left to do. It had already been done and Phai was forever damaged and he felt even shittier about himself the more he thought about what a dick he's been. But he was glad it was him Phai unleashed his anger on. No one deserved it more.
But Cassy didn't know how long he could keep it from Alex. It just felt like something Alex should know. But Phai was right about how Alex would respond. He'd either go ape shit or beat himself deeper into the ground.
The mean eyed teen gave himself a few more minutes before he walked over to the main room, seeing all his friends playing video games and sitting around the TV, waiting for the food to preheat in the oven. He noticed Alex wasn't with them. He could sense his own mood change and it felt awkward to feel the way he was feeling. Nervous. It was something he rarely felt around anyone.
Tolem, pressing the buttons to the controller down way too hard just because he thought it a more affective way to beat Callista during their round three of Street Fighter, turned and looked at Cassy standing by the door with his hands stern in his jacket pocket. Cassy didn't saying anything but instead found himself fiddling with his cigarette pack. "Oh hey man, what's up?" Tolem greeted casually.
Cassy just smiled briefly. "Hey."
All his friends nodded towards him and waved, but were so focused on screaming at the screen of the game and cheering the winner on, that it was unclear whether they were mad at him or not. For the most part they didn't seem to loathe him, just occupied with something else. They didn't even seem surprised that he was there, like he was expected or something. Or maybe they just had enough trust in him to realize what needed to be done on his part.
"Is uh, Alex around?" The green-eyed boy cleared his throat, it becoming unsettling, not knowing what everyone thought of him now that he and Alex were kind of on the opposite side of things as he took in mind the loyalty they had for the blonde. He might be at times heartless but he still cared what his friends thought. And he did care what Alex thought.
"Yea he's in the kitchen. He wanted his weird alone Alex time. You know how he gets." Phil answered.
"He's getting ready to leave though. You might want to catch him before he heads out." Tolem suggested.
"K." Cassy said quietly running his hand impulsively through his slick hair.
"You could stay and eat with us if you want." Tolem offered, always being the welcoming one despite his and Cassy's hate relationship. "Phai's dad says its okay."
"Yea. We're having some bomb ass lasagna." Crater mentioned.
"Right." Cassy didn't seem interested.
"You look like shit bro!" Cleitus announced. Cassy just shrugged as Cleitus snatched the controller away from Callista.
"Heyy! You jerk." She folded her arms.
"You look like your brother when you pout." The blacked haired man teased, shoving her playfully.
"Speaking of my brother." Callista turned her entire body, facing Cassy from the couch and glared daggers at him, giving her best 'I'm watching you' look.
"What do you want Callista?" Cassy irate asked, not believing he was getting reprimanded by a little girl.
"Where is he?" She lifted a curious brow.
"Who?" He sighed as he crossed his arms, glaring back at her.
"My brother dummy. And you better be nice to me. You're on my dad's territory now jerk face."
Cassy glared at the friends laughing in the background and then proceeded to give her a fake evil smile. "He's out front taking a phone call."
"Are you sure you didn't beat him up and leave him bleeding dead on the front porch?"
"She has a point Cassy." Cleitus declared. "We should make sure he's alive.
"Fuck you guys." Cassy just gave him the finger and left the room roaming around towards the kitchen.
"Watch your language around the little girl!"
He heard Cleitus shout and he just rolled his eyes and found the guy he was looking for. He walked into the kitchen and leaned against the wall. The blonde looked out of it, like he wasn't there. Like his thoughts were carrying him away.
"Hey." It was a quiet greeting. Now that he was in the same room with Alex, there was nothing he could do but face his eternal friend and enemy.
Alex looked at him for a minute. "Hey."
"Shouldn't you be sitting or something?"
Alex just shook his head. With little to no emotion.
Cassy sighed. For some reason Alex just enjoyed torturing himself and if he had to take a big guess, the blonde had no idea why. But as long as he's known Alex, feeling hopeless wasn't his strong suit.
He now cleared his throat, his jade eyes lingering in suppleness. "How's the face?" It was a decent way to start a conversation right after having forgotten the right words to say.
"Not bad. Could be worse." Alex answered, surprising Cassy with his little to no anger.
"Are you on drugs? You know, pain meds. Not that shit Cleitus snorts."
The blonde shook his head. And looked up at Cassy. "Are you?" But it was Alex who met the green eyes apologetically.
"Yea." Cassy pulled his eyes away, not ready yet to be forgiven knowing full well he didn't deserve it. He took out a bottle of pain medicine from his pocket and tossed it to Alex. "There's only a few left. You can have em."
"Thanks." Alex said scanning quickly at the labels on the bottle. Then he placed the bottle on the counter and smiled at his green-eyed friend. Or whatever they were to each other. "You know I had every right to hit you. Let's just get that cleared and out-of-the-way. And let's be honest. You're a bitch."
"I know." Cassy nodded. "If you want to yell or lash out at me, go right on ahead. I deserve it."
"There is no reason I should. Just don't push it more, because next time something like this happens I may not be the one in control. And I will let him fuck you up."
"Who?" Cassy studied Alex's eyes for a moment. They read dark at first but lightened the minute the blonde regained his composure.
"The side of me who can't stand you." He answered without difficulty.
Cassy snickered, too much overwhelmed in pain to protest. "Fair enough." Then he moved into the kitchen some more, his steps silent against the hard floor, relieved that Alex's grudge wasn't going to last like he thought it would.
Out of nowhere the disheveled blonde started to cough. He doubled over, clutching his stomach as his insides felt like they were collapsing on him.
As Cassy let the blonde have at his coughing attack waiting until it was over he thought back and realized that Alex has always had that cough. Now it just sounded worse. "Shouldn't you get that cough checked out? It doesn't sound too good."
"I have already. It's common." Alex said, then muttered an apology. Cassy gave him a look of skepticism but didn't push the situation any further. He knew better not to offer help or sympathy, knowing Alex's persistence to just about anything good for him.
After playing it off like it was just a regular cough, the blonde cleared his throat and turned on the sink to quickly wash his hands, having found spots of blood in his palm.
"You look like shit by the way." Cassy stated in a monotone voice.
"I'll accept that as an apology." Alex said wiping his mouth after rinsing it with water and going back to leaning against the edge of the counter.
"I didn't apologize yet." Cassy rested against the counter opposite from the one Alex was by. He hissed a bit from the pain he felt shoot up his back. And as they looked at each other it was like looking in the mirror. And needless to say their pride was still roaming hard, taking over the room.
"I know you Cassy and you suck at apologies, so don't even bother." The blonde answered bitterly like any kind of apology from him would be rather insulting.
"You're not even going to let me try?"
"No. I accept your half-assed failed apology. If it makes you feel any better about today, I made the first move, I acted out of anger and I shouldn't have. I should be sorry."
Cassy shook his head his eyes inadvertently meeting the floor. "Phai will kill me, if he finds out you just apologized to me instead."
Alex nodded with an uncaring grin. "I know."
Cassy took an anxious breath. "So…"
"So what?"
"You're not going to yell at me? You're not going to hit me? Nothing?"
The blonde just shrugged. "Maybe later."
At first the tension was high, but now it was dying by the minute. They were gradually making progress.
"Lame." Cassy scoffed and stuck his hands in his pockets letting off a deep sigh. And Alex stared his way, waiting as the mean eyed boy tried to find something to say. And it wasn't a surprise what came next from his mouth. Instinctively, Cassy was an asshole. "So I won right?"
The blonde chuckled good-humouredly, figuring that as usual. "You did. I just tolerated it."
Then the two grew silent once more, Cassy kind of in hesitation before speaking again, and Alex trying to adjust and figure out how things were once between them.
So who won?
When it comes to fighting Cassy is as stealthy as they come. But that fight was tame compared to our fights in ancient times. I had my reasons for my advantage over him that day. I already knew everything about Cassy. I knew him as Cassander, one of my generals in my army. We fought all the time, sometimes about little things, sometimes about big things and other times, about nothing. Most times, we would fight over Hephaistion. So fighting him wasn't anything I wasn't used to. I knew what to expect. Maybe on a typical day, he would have probably kicked my ass. But note, I rarely have typical days.
Cassy is better than me at a lot of things and fighting isn't one of them.
I can say proudly, I am not strong in all fights. I don't win all fights. I don't care to. But when it comes to fighting for the love of my life, it is impossible for me to back down. Because suddenly nothing else matters but him and that's worth all the inspiration, all the anger all the determination it comes with. When I have something to fight for, I fight my hardest. Then I become better in every way.
This goes for the greatest.
So back to the topic on who won that fight.
I won...
for Phai.
But I lost.
for me.
Cassy found himself again at a loss for words, this time his nerves not being the issue. He was thinking what sane person would allow someone to do something like that. He looked right up at Alex, figuring Alex wasn't as sane as he lets off. And he broke the silence with a question of his own. "Why would anyone in their right mind let someone beat the crap out of them? I don't get you Alex, I could have killed you, and you know that right?"
Alex just smiled to himself. "I haven't been in my right mind for a long time Cassy. And I sure as hell don't know why I do the things I do. In a way maybe I felt like I deserved it. Maybe I was trying to prove something. I don't know. I might have the answer for you later. In like a month or two."
"You're a crazy fuck you know that?" Cassy responded but it was surprisingly compassionate. "You've always been."
"I guess it doesn't hurt to be reminded."
There was yet another long pause. Cassy was looking off and Alex was staring ahead. After a period of not saying a damn thing, Alex spoke at random.
"You want to see something cool?"
Then he lifted his shirt to show Cassy what damage he did to him. "Wicked colors right? Cleitus took a picture and posted it on Instagram and Facebook."
Cassy grinned. "You have an Instagram?"
"Cleitus made it for me today. So I guess I do now."
Then the blonde let the shirt roll back down his body.
Cassy lifted his shirt and showed Alex the damage he gave him in return. "They told me I was lucky. That's when I figured you were holding back. I do have to get a few more stitches. Also my spine and tailbone could have permanent damage to it."
He had his fresh air, and the time to calm down. He walked back into the house. He came by the kitchen where Alex and Cassy were chatting and he stopped by the entrance. Just staring at them not giving a shit about why Cassy had his shirt rolled above his chest and why Alex was looking but more responsive to why they were getting along. It was typical of Alex too forgive like that.
They both stopped and looked over at Phai, noticing him now there. Cassy put his shirt down. Phai was giving them a testy look and Cassy knew the reason for that. Phai still didn't trust him around Alex.
Alex smiled at Phai and Cassy knew better not too. Then Phai grew instantly self-conscious for a reason unknown to Alex and just turned and left to go sit with the others letting Alex and Cassy finish their private conversation. Cassy knew the reason for that too while Alex was stumped over it. Phai had just let out all his insecurities and personal information to the guy he compared to hating more than Roxanne. At the time Cassy needed to hear it, so that he could come to an understanding but now Phai felt stripped and vulnerable. Leaving information like that with a man he couldn't trust was terrifying. He also knew the one and only person he should have shared that with was Alex. But it was just something that wouldn't go right.
In a way he felt he betrayed me. But he was right to keep it from me as long as he had. And I am thankful… so very thankful, that he did not tell me when we were together.
"So where are you heading? Tolem said you're going somewhere." Cassy thought it best to protect Alex from himself just this once by distracting him away from Phai.
"Yea," Alex seemed to snap out of what was bothering him about Phai. He rubbed his neck self-consciously because when Phai was self-conscious Alex was self-conscious and he couldn't help but wonder if he did something. He was so out of it he didn't even consider it could have been Cassy as the cause. "Phai's father is taking me to the hospital. Every one's making it into such a big deal."
"I'm glad you're alright." Cassy quietly spoke, like it was hard for him to say, as he scratched nervously the back of his head while delaying any eye contact with Alex. He meant it but he was starting to feel a bit too sensitive.
Alex looked up to face him, with a genuine look in his eyes. But other than that he didn't say anything else. They didn't have to say anything else. Amyntor came downstairs. "Ready Alex?"
Yea." The blonde replied even though his body looked reluctant.
And Amyntor looked at Cassy, not knowing if he trusted him in the house. Because it became clearly obvious who Alex got into the confrontation with. But he greeted Cassy anyway with a speedy 'hi'. He then grabbed his keys from the counter top, gave Cassy one last notion with his eyes and then headed out with the blonde right behind.
Phai if you decide to leave, make sure you lock the house please." His dad said before closing the front door and Phai watched as they left. He caught himself biting his nails but continued anyway because it gave him security to his anxiousness. He didn't know why, he just knew how his dad could be. He also knew how Alex could be and the most important thing at the moment was for them to get along.
/
Aristotle approaches the soaking wet prince who sits against a rock outside at the learning ground. Thunderous thunder sounds and striking lighting inflames the skies. Prince is something on your mind? Heh, well there must be since you seem to be acting recklessly in reckless weather. Come inside and join the rest of the boys. Your father would be upset if he knew the cause of your sickness was because you decided to sit out in the cold rain all day and night.
My father would be wise to let me be, just for once. It doesn't matter if the storm ends or continues. My thoughts are much more efficient out here.
What is the matter Alexander? You can talk to me. I would be surprised if I didn't have an answer to your dilemma. The old man chuckles. The boy narrows his eyes towards his cold shadow.
I'm here and I don't know why. He answers with anger like he had already reached the prime of his life. Every single day I'm living, but never have I remained so relentless.
You are impatient to grow. You are impatient to succeed. But there are two sides to success my boy. You have the physical and the psychological. The physical side is made up of the considerable results you achieve. The psychological side consists of the thoughts and feelings you have, but there is no purpose in pursuing any form of physical success if you don't allow yourself the psychological independence and free will to emotionally contribute in your achievements. Aristotle explains moving closer to the boy.
My father sees me as nothing. There is no such thing as a successful Alexander as long as he is around.
Are you envious of your father? The instructor asks.
Empty eyes peer up at his master. He has everything. I should be.
Says who? According to what? The old mans lips curve.
I just saw the one thing that I ever wanted but I know I can't get it now. I'm just ordinary. I don't have any power as his son. The adults still mock me, they still call me illegitimate, my friends still let me win at wrestling. My father dislikes me and my only supporter is my mother. I'm of no use to him. He doesn't deem me worthy.
There is nothing ordinary about you. No offence is intended Alexander. You are far from ordinary. You are much more. You have a spirit that tells me you will achieve great things, but you can't always wait for someone to put you together. Have you ever tried to exercise your own options?
I have tried. And I've failed them already.
I must say I expected more from you young Alexander. What happened to the passionate boy at our earlier lesson today? That Alexander wasn't moping around. You once taught me a lesson, do you remember what about?
If I did I don't remember.
Well let's seek the past for a few seconds. You disagreed with one of the boys in the class. You told him, that 'changes don't happen because you feel frustrated with the results you're getting and being dissatisfied simply doesn't affect anything until you channel your expressive energy along fruitful and productive lines.' Don't you remember that?
That was in the past when I dreamed big. The boy shrugged. When I thought I could do anything with my life.
So you allow emotion to control rational thinking? Shame on you. The instructor shakes his head.
My dad does too. Alex sat up with his knees brought to his chest as he angrily thought of the reasons why he hated his father.
But you can be better than him. You are an innovator and a leader and your spiritual self demands loyalty and commitment of your affections and of your energies in advancing your craft. There is something within you that compels yourself to evolve for the sake of evolving with the regard for personal gain or public acclaim. You can not seek just fame Alexander.
What about glory? He asks with interest.
It goes hand in hand, it just matters how you can control yourself when you start to seek and fall under the bad pleasures that life offers. If this part of you is ignored; when all efforts have shifted towards the practicality of pleasing the crowd, making gold, or becoming a god, the resourceful spark dies and a sense of emptiness begins to settle. You will start to embrace who you are, you will start to embrace change because you are human and that's what we do in order to move on. Human beings in general are a continuing changing entity. We are a unit of individuality. We evolve and you will evolve, and so will my understanding of who you really are young king. I can only give you so much advice of what you want to hear, but do not just follow your dreams. Follow the path of your heart wherever it takes you, even if it leads you away from your past principles and beyond your former hopes.
The commitments and obligations I've been following and accepting my entire life is evidence of enslavement.
How so?
I only wish to express the freedom I seek. I do not want to be a slave to my father like my mother is.
Alexander, every single decision you make, including the ones you think you have to make, is a demonstration of the power you have over your own life experiences. It's the power you have over yourself. Alexander you will make bad decisions and you will only make more as life continues but that is who makes you who you are so do not regret anything. You will feel the pain of these decisions but you do it to yourself for a reason. You do it to question how strong you actually are and how willing you are to fight for the things you love, so you put yourself through impossible challenges, only impossible in your mind, just to beat the impossible. But in your heart you can achieve anything. We all speak in the language of necessity as if we "have" to do this or have 'no choice' to do that. But one who hates the idea of himself may indeed feel like work is something he has to do in order to be liked or noticed, or even loved. After all, that person detests himself so much, why else would he work to be loved by all, why else would he strive to be noticed unless he really didn't have a choice? Unless he really didn't care? Unless he really didn't think so little of himself?
I don't hate myself. I'm upset with myself.
Would it have to do something with the new boy by any chance, hmm? I see the way you look at young Hephaistion. You seek something in him.
He doesn't like me.
So you seek his friendship?
Yes. I think.
And what makes you so sure he's not fond of you? You have all good qualities.
He ignored me today. He spoke with all the others boys but me, even Cassander. I had to approach him, me, the prince. I should be doing no such thing. He hates me and he doesn't even know me. He probably thinks I'm some sort of royal led brat.
His tutor sighed. Here's the problem with that kind of thinking. It makes the assumption that because certain options are incompatible with what we want, or what we think that we are not really free to act on or avoid our true feelings. You say he doesn't like you but do you really know that for sure? Your logic is unsound my boy.
Unsound? It was clear that he thought I was an idiot.
An idiot? Yes, your logic is unreasonable.
How?
The old man chuckled. I have few examples to give. You think that suffering and pain are things you can avoid as long as it is in your power to do so.
I do believe that. That's not unreasonable.
Exactly my point. So why not put that same thinking to this newcomer. You can fight for what you want and fail in doing so but you can not ignore or avoid what you need. It's impossible. You may choose to inflict pain and suffering upon yourself but that is not always an option. There are plenty others to chose from.
This isn't even my study time and you're lecturing me.
Trust me in the future you're going to be glad I stopped by. You've chose to be a survivor even it means having to endure some sorrow and discomfort. That's a brave thing Alexander, most would try at every cost to avoid pain and sorrow but you have decided impressively I must say, that laying down and dying voluntarily is not an option, that you have to live life to its fullest for their to be any meaning at all. You don't make tough decisions because you "want" to. You make them because you have to. Because there are only the consequences of doing the alternative and it becomes inconsistent with what you've decided your life is already all about. The only force that's making you do what you do every day is the passion and conviction you have about gaining the benefits you want to experience and avoiding the consequences you don't want to experience. Do you see what I am saying to you?
No, not even close.
Alexander, you want to gain, without their being any interference, you strive for perfection of all things but when something collides with you or comes in your way, you fight and fight until you give up. But you can not give up in this world Alexander. Your father won't allow it. Your mother won't allow it. I won't allow it and neither will your friends. But most importantly neither will you. You have your doubts because you are threatened of your position but I see great things heading your way and I see bad things, but in the end I see a young man reaching the ends of the earths not for himself but for someone else. Someone truly dear to him. Think about that the next time you fall into temptation of a weak mind. Think about that the next time you have doubts about whether someone likes you or not. We are all victims of some form of suffering. However the biggest difference between the victims who make it and the victims who never find freedom is that the victims who make it are the ones who find a way to remember that they have the power of choice, the power of will and the power of love. It's impossible to make healthy choices when you don't believe you have choices at all my boy. So make a choice, whether it's tough or not. Ask yourself when you make your next difficult decision, if it's proof that you're a slave or you're a survivor. You don't have to be miserable if you fail, but if you're going to succeed, then you might as well embrace it. So stop defining yourself and express yourself instead. And if your worried about how the world debates over you after you're long gone and even though the perception they have of you is wrong, just look at it this way, they were the ones who sat around contemplating while you were the one to jump onto your horse and conquer.
Aristotle knelt by the boys side. He places an old hand on the younger shoulder. You have talent; do not let it go to waste. You are a bright young man; do not let it go to waste. You can be the best, beyond the greatest if you do something about it, so don't let your determination and passion go to waste. You can be friends with Hephaistion if you want. So I repeat, do not let him go to waste. Or your dreams will be lost and cold forever.
\
After they had eaten they all decided to clean the kitchen. Or try. Amyntor and Alex had already been gone for two hours and Phai couldn't help but imagine something going wrong.
Cleitus was washing the dishes with Phai right next to him who was trying his best to show him how it's supposed to be done. From the looks of it, Cleitus never washed a dish in his life. "Cleitus, listen to me, you're doing it wrong. You're supposed to wash everything off the plate. Everything!"
"Uh no, because that's what the dishwasher is for. The dishwasher washes everything of the plate. They made technology so much easier for reasons exactly like this."
"Uh no, that's gross and unhealthy. If you're not going to wash the dishes completely of all the grime and all the residue and do it accurately, then I don't want you cleaning the dishes."
"Man you're picky."
"I'm not being picky, I'm being reasonable."
"Reasonable my ass. You're being a Nazi."
"I just prefer not to get sick from eating off a dirty plate the next time I eat a meal. Is that so wrong?"
"Fine I will wash them as you wish your highness." Cleitus mocked.
"Thank you." Phai snapped.
"Yo, Phai where's the dessert at?"
"Really Crater. Dinner wasn't enough?"
"Pff, bitch please. I'm always hungry."
"Well there is a taco bell five miles from here. And a dairy queen too. The walk might help you burn off the calories you're about to gain."
"I heard someone say dessert!" Callista busted into the kitchen. "Where?"
"Didn't you already get your fix of ice cream today." Phai said taking the ice cream from the refrigerator.
"Nope."
"Well you can only have one scoop."
"That's stupid. I want an entire bowl." She argued.
"I said a scoop." Phai argued back.
"I'm telling dad when he gets here." She left.
"Phai dude, where are your Tupperware's at. And foil. I'm about to take some of this food home with me." Crater decided to stock up.
"You're not taking my parents Tupperware's home with you!" He replied.
"Geez, okay. Where do you keep your Ziploc's then?"
Phai just sat down and rested his head on the table while his friends continued to be annoying.
After his medical evaluation, Amyntor left the hospital and drove Alex back to the house arriving at a semi decent time.
"It looks like your friends are still here." Amyntor pointed out.
"It means that they're comfortable."
Amyntor chuckled. "Are they always this bold?"
"Yea. Pretty much."
Amyntor helped Alex inside.
Perdicas was stacking the dishes and Leon was wiping off the tables and counters while Phil was sitting down doing nothing. It was okay with them because Phil sucked at cleaning. Cassy and Callista were in the other room playing a racing game.
"Hey guys its looking nice. Not bad. Not bad at all." Alex said entering into the kitchen being completely and utterly sarcastic about it.
They didn't mind the insult, they were just glad to see him back and hopefully with good news. "How's your ribs buddy! What did the doctors say?" Cleitus gave him a welcome back slap on the shoulder.
"A waste of time."
Amyntor interrupted giving him a reprimanding stare. "It was good that we went. He has a few cracked ribs along his right side. They did prescribe him a painkiller but other than that he just has to take it easy. Obviously he has to refrain from sports and any activities that involve being active. I know you boys have your football practices everyday but unfortunately Alex won't be able to join you for any of the meets until his ribs are fully healed. The doctors also noted that he also needs to get a lot of rest so if you're planning on going out tonight please make sure you boys take care of him, and make sure he doesn't push his limit and definitely get him home at a reasonable time so that he can get some sleep okay?"
Phai looked up at Alex.
Alex's friends were relieved to discover nothing had been severe but they weren't as relieved as Alex himself, and even though he did crack two ribs it was not bad enough for medical treatment. He would just have to take his pain meds, and walk it off until his body decided to heal itself. The doctors overlooked some of his other health problems and he was happy for that. Or else he would have definitely been having an overnight slumber party at the hospital.
"Well we're glad you're okay."
"Thanks."
"But it couldn't have been any worse than what we're going through. Phai decided he wanted to be Hitler today." Cleitus informed.
Phai groaned. "No. You guys just don't know what clean means. They're stacking the dishes into the dishwasher without wiping it down first."
Alex smirked. "Come on Phai we all know we don't wash the dishes, we let the dishwater do that."
"That is disgusting. Who does that?"
They all raised their hands. Like true men.
That night, I believe was the only night we all, truly had a great time together. Phai was observing how his dad interacted with his friends, incase they embarrassed him, made him look bad or said something offensive but even though they were cussing and belligerently loud, Amyntor didn't seem to mind. We laughed and chatted that night like all friends should everyday. Even Crater and Phai were getting along. They were joking and calling insults but they were laughing. We talked about old times and new times. And prom. And who our dates were going to be. Amyntor also took this opportunity to get to know his sons friends a lot better.Even though he remembered Phai's initial attitude towards them, they all came as close as a family that night. Crater and Phil were like the two annoying younger brothers who always picked on the other siblings. Cleitus was like the disappointing son who was never home because he was out getting into trouble. Perdicas was like the brother who kept to himself. Leon was the fun and adventurous brother. Tolem was the older and successful brother. Cassy was the independent brother. And Phai was starting to feel like a guest in his own home. And me...well I felt alive for once. Alive for more reasons than just enjoying a good time with my friends.
Phai looked at Alex and smiled. He had always kind of been nervous having his dad around his friends, knowing how picky he was about certain people. Amyntor was traditional. But at the end of the night Amyntor found himself enjoying the random but pleasant company. Then the friends thanked him for letting them stay for dinner and started to head out.
"How about you guys go out. I will take care of the rest of kitchen."
"It's okay I can do it." Phai replied.
"Callista can help me." Amyntor told his son because he was aware of his sons plans tonight.
"Oh man." She whined folding her arms. "Why do I have to clean after these slobs? It's my bedtime anyway."
"Ignore your sister Phai. Seriously go out, hang with your friends and have fun." He repeated.
"I will clean it before I go." Phai insisted and smiled wide at his father.
"Phai. Trust me, I do not mind."
Phai stopped and sighed. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I'm positive." His father smiled. "And incase you're wondering I was not uncomfortable today. I enjoyed having your friends over. They are fun and nice guys. It beats a quiet, lonely dinner any day so stop worrying about what I think all the time. They were great. Now go."
"Thanks." But before Phai turned to leave the house, he remembered something. He walked back towards the kitchen. "Hey dad, before I go, you wanted to tell me something earlier. I got your voicemail. It kinda sounded serious."
Amyntor did not forget about his conversation with Alex's father, and he turned off the kitchen sink. He remembered how the talk didn't go well. He just looked at his son with nothing to say. There was nothing he could say to him. His original plan was to be angry, to set ground rules, to be strict but now looking at his son was almost like looking at himself. His father just smiled.
"Yea. I forgot what I needed to talk to you about. It wasn't important. I think it was just something about your mother working late again."
Phai nodded. "Okay." But he wasn't going anywhere and his father smiled at his stubborn son.
"It was nice having your friends over. It's nice seeing you have a good time. Please don't make me repeat myself Phai."
"Dad, it's not that. I know I may come off distant to you and maybe sometimes you think I don't appreciate what you do for me, but I do. And just knowing that you're trying to get used to Alex and I, even though you still don't officially approve, means the absolute world to me. It means so much, you have no idea. Even if you end up tomorrow deciding you weren't going to go through with this, I will still love you for trying when it mattered most, and for not abandoning me as your son right away."
Amyntor never realized just how smart and aware his son actually was and it surprised him. Stunned him actually. Phai already knew that his father was going to eventually if he hadn't already hear about what happened. What Alex's father caught them doing, and this was Phai's way of saying 'I'm sorry and I will never do it again.'
Phai walked up to his dad and hugged him slowly, letting his head rest on his dad's chest, getting instantly teary eyed, truly and immensely sorry for not being able to be the son they were looking forward to having. And the moment his dad hugged him back, in his tame way of affection, Phai wondered how many hugs Alex has ever received from his father, because in this moment, hugging his father as long as he could, meant the world to him. It was comforting to know, that his dad would never leave him in the dark. It was good to know that he felt loved. But he was scared. Scared to death. Frightened that his father would just one day, wake up one morning and decide to abandon him early, the feeling Alex has everyday of his life. An experience he wasn't ready to face just yet.
Amyntor, after letting Phai go, watched from the kitchen window the two boys, talking by the driveway. He spotted and experienced his own son laughing and smiling. And he couldn't help but slightly smile himself. Purely mesmerized by the blonde, who was the cause of his son's happiness. Amyntor found it difficult at times to read Phai because Phai's thoughts were more of conceptual feelings. They were difficult and too complex to understand or read. His emotions were abstract compared to others who were more concrete. But it was Alex who knew exactly how to lock in Phai's masterpiece of emotions.
"I think your dad and Cleitus were bonding a bit."
Phai snickered. "I don't know how I feel about that."
Alex and Phai were quietly walking as the two took a long stroll together holding hands, down the dark path in the open field by their house, the only light being the soft light of the moon, which provided just enough for them to witness each others loveliness. But it was also enough provided so that Phai could notice something unsolved casted in the indifferent eyes of the blonde.
"It's okay if you're mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"Because I forgot to tell you that I told him about us. That's something I should have spoken to you about first. I'm sorry."
"I'm not mad." The blonde smiled. But Phai noticed something was still empty.
"What's wrong?'
"Nothing." The Alex smiled, biting his lower lip.
"What?" Phai smirked.
"I'm sorry that my father caught us, getting it on. I know that was awkward when I told you."
Phai didn't think getting worked up about it again would do any of them any good. He shrugged. "Ohwell." Then he laughed. "It is weird that your dad caught us having sex. Was he pissed?"
"I don't know. I can't tell sometimes with him."
"I can't tell with my dad either." Phai then sighed. "What are you doing after this?"
"I don't know, maybe read. I'll figure out something. What about you?"
"I haven't figured it out yet. But you should probably take it easy anyway."
A sudden change happened in Phai and he stopped what he was doing and looked to Alex. Alex was to busy focusing on the touch of Phai's hand, rubbing his fingers softly over his fingers not noticing Phai had eyes on him. "I'm sorry." It was like a sweet whisper and Alex looked up at Phai. He smiled sweetly.
"Sorry about what."
"About everything, that's happening with you. I wish I could figure out a way to help."
"I'm fine Phai and theirs nothing anyone could do to help."
"Maybe you need someone to be there for you. Sometimes that can help."
"Please stop looking at me like you feel sorry for me."
"How are you going to heal Alex? Rest is like the most essential thing a human needs in order to heal. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could take your pain for myself. I can tell you right now, that the Phai you know in your dream would tell you that you're running from something and you're going to keep running until you're lost. I don't want to have to miss you. Alex I know it's personal and you'll probably hate me in a few seconds just for bringing it up, but how did you keep your health risk a secret from your parents for this long? Wouldn't the doctors have to notify your parents about what's wrong with you especially since you were so young since you've had it?"
Alex sighed. He kinda didn't want to talk about it but Phai deserved an answer. "Yea. The doctor should have said something. He should have said anything. Instead he told my parents that the only thing wrong was my restlessness at night and trouble sleeping, even though he had strict evidence of my disease. But things are different when the doctor who has took care of you all his life, is a good friend to my parents. He's been our family doctor for sixteen years. I've been seeing him since I've moved down here. I didn't understand it myself either, in fact I started to get angry as to why my parents weren't taking me so seriously only to find out he never told them. I do remember telling my mother one day, when I was finally old enough to know that not being able to sleep was not normal. I told my mom that I couldn't sleep. She assumed the cause was nightmares, which in my head at thirteen years old, the visions I was having were actual nightmares to me, so I accepted that I was not sleeping because of the nightmares, even though they were just visions. Then another day I started having pain in my eyes and the back of my head. I was still young, I didn't know what was happening or why I would be out of breath. Again these visions, they were just nightmares at the time, but nightmares that felt more real each day. I said mom, dad, I'm hurting I need to go to the doctor. I cried and cried. So they took me to the same doctor. They ran tests on me. I couldn't explain the pain I was feeling. I didn't know where it was coming from so I just said I feel pain everywhere but mostly in my head. The doctors couldn't explain it. So the only thing they could come up with was insomnia and that having insomnia could lead to discomfort, pain, headaches. But they left out the fatal part of it. I was spoken to about depression and stress but I was just thirteen I was too young to even know what being depressed felt like and that's when my doctor figured it was something much more. Something he never told my parents. Maybe he was scared to tell them that their thirteen year old boy wasn't going to make it to sixteen. Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe he was trying not to frighten me. I don't know. I've told my parents over and over again that I wasn't able to sleep but I was never able to get it across to them. I was just a kid. When I said I couldn't sleep, I meant I couldn't shut my fucking eyes for ten fucking seconds. Everyday since I was a baby I never slept. All babies do is eat and sleep. So could you imagine what I was doing. I would just lay there with my eyes open as quiet as can be. How did they not notice that their kid couldn't sleep for the life of him? Most parents I've met, either take their children completely seriously or half seriously. My parents never took me seriously. I've been continually going to the doctor. I told him, it's gotten worse, nothings changing and that's when he gave me the bad news. That my heart beats were abnormal, my blood pressure was high, and my vision was bad and my muscles were heavier, and my brain's activity level was severely high. He knew it related to insomnia but he also knew it was much more than that. No ones ever died because they couldn't sleep. It sounds ridiculous right? He never told my parents about the actual condition, he did let them know I had a sleeping disorder. He knew not to prescribe me pills because that would possibly be hazardous, so he stuck with remedies instead. It doesn't look good when doctors and nurses can't figure out, with blood tests and x-rays, why I was the way I was. So they decided they didn't know yet. He told me he'd try and do everything he can, until the day we discovered that there was nothing I can do but stay healthy. I decided not to tell me parents about it any further and I've possibly came to terms that I will just die when I die."
"I know what you're thinking Alex. You're thinking it won't help to have support."
"You're right; it won't work to have support because it would make it worse. I'd rather die miserable than die knowing I had family and friends to look forward to still."
"Don't say that. I thought things were getting better? Your doctor said things were steady right?"
I looked at Phai. Deep in his eyes. Holding back my darkest and most dangerous secret from him. A secret I should have never hid. The expectation was that I was waiting to die very soon. The reality of it was that something much worse happens.
The blonde blinked. He was staring at the shimmering small pond. The moonlight gently settling upon it beautifully. The blonde's lashes flickered, wondering what the king inside had got going on. What type of things he was planning for his and Phai's future. Alex looked up at his lover, his never closing eyes holding on. "Yea." He nodded, with a slight smile, a smile that would steal the night away from the true matter at hand, a smile that distracted himself from breaking another day. "That's right. Things are steady."
Phai looked away sadly, feeling strongly about the untruthfulness of that statement. He detected something coming. The brunette knew something wasn't right and wouldn't be right in the near future. He stole Alex's hand like he had lost him already.
Alex tightened the grip. "Whatever happens, when something goes wrong, know that I will always love you, more than anything. No matter what."
"I believe you."
And from here on, this moment, things were about to change. He knew it. And I knew it. It was coming eventually, like a thief running up behind us in the night.
"Sorry for leaving you with my dad today. Was it weird?"
Alex loosely took his eyes off their silent shadows and shook his head. "He was actually very pleasant. I like him. You're lucky. I can tell your dad loves you...
Very much. "
Flashback...
Amyntor took a quick glance at Alex. They were on the highway on there way to the hospital. The boy seemed to be half dozed off and half awake and he noted it with a frown. "You hanging in there?"
The blonde just nodded, not saying anything and Amyntor just shook his head in difference and under his breath, sighed.
"Are you in pain this very minute?" Amyntor tried again, firmly but delicately, his fatherly and military instincts, joining at once.
Alex shook his head, still not quite there, and it felt like it was getting harder and harder to get him to say anything.
Amyntor wasn't to sure about that either. "I'm not convinced." He scoffed.
"I'm fine. I feel fine." Alex finally spoke and Phai's fathers face perked up surprised by that.
"Wow you live! I was afraid I was talking to myself this whole time!" Amyntor playfully teased.
Alex just looked at him like he was a dork but it made him smile at least. But the smiling seemed to have backfired and he began to cough ruggedly and started to wheeze heavily. Amyntor wasn't hesitant in reacting, and he instantly grew worried. He removed a hand from the steering wheel and placed it comfortingly on Alex's shoulder. "Just breathe and take deep breaths."
Alex nodded and that's what he did. Then after awhile he finally found the air he needed to uncompress his throat and chest, he relaxed back and nothing felt better once the oxygen in his lungs responded back to normal.
The cough wasn't a standard cough and the labored breathing definitely wasn't because he could possibly have broken ribs and Amyntor wasn't going to ignore it lightly at all. "What is that asthma?"
"Yea." Alex answered tranquilly. He didn't know how to describe it otherwise. But he figured he might as well just call it something else.
"You don't have some kind of inhaler or something that you carry with you?"
Alex shook his head barely. "I don't need it."
Amyntor was astounded at Alex's carelessness. "That's not a good attitude towards your health."
"It comes and goes. I go through it everyday and I always end up fine. I've been through worse."
"Like what?" Amyntor still couldn't believe it.
"Abuse." Alex responded, his voice coming off rigid.
"From who?"
"Sometimes my father. Sometimes myself."
Amyntor didn't understand why he was so surprised. Phillip looked the type.
"Verbal abuse, physical abuse, it's all the same. It's how we deal with it which makes a difference."
The blonde's eyes were fixed on the road. "It gets to me though."
"Don't you think you're better than that?"
The blonde just smirked to himself and Amyntor knew that was his final and only answer. He couldn't understand why such a smart kid could think so little of himself. "You know I've been abused most my life, physically just as much as verbally. I understand where you're at."
"Who?"
"Mostly from my father. My mother neglected me and I was stuck with my old man. The only thing I thank him for now is never finding me. I still can't believe the type of shit he's done. And I still don't even know how I'm making it right now. But to abuse yourself is an entire different force."
I always make time to compare Phai's father to mine. Amyntor was and always had been a calming influence which impressed me most about him. He's sensitive and patient something my father was bad at. He also had a very strong family ethic. But many people in Amyntor's life didn't know that he had many regrets.
My father on the other hand... well, for him actions spoke louder than words. He had very little regrets.
So he says.
The blonde blinked. He had gone deep within himself capturing that last comment. But he didn't want to think about it, so why was he?
Amyntor could tell that it was a sensitive topic for the blonde, so he changed it.
"So I've heard he's bad news. That Cassy kid."
Alex shifted in his seat loosening the seat belt around his body, and the pain was not only antagonizing but agonizing. He allowed a deep breath to leave his mouth. "Cassy's okay. He just likes to look at himself as the rebel of the group but he's still a friend. He was also raised into an abusive home. He has worse daddy issues than I do. I commend him for being stronger."
"I heard your friends talking. They said you allowed him to beat the crap out of you."
"Yea. I did."
Amyntor looked at him. Eyes composed. "Why?"
"Everyone seems to be asking me why but I can't give them an answer. I don't know."
Amyntor just nodded, keeping focus on the road.
"It's none of my business and you don't have to say anything but you're not doing yourself any favors or any good abusing yourself, neglecting your needs especially your health. You could very well be angry at yourself, and you probably don't trust yourself either. Don't get me wrong but I can tell you're not a happy camper. You have too much going on inside yourself and you're lost at how to release it. I personally know that feeling but no one can release that anger but you. Go to a junk yard. Break something. Because keeping yourself bottled up is unfriendly, destructive and damaging. I've hurt people so close to me Alex and the feeling is unforgiving. You need to stop doing what other people think is best for you, that's including your parents and start doing what you have to do and believe me, no one can give you better advice than someone who has been through it. Before you can proceed on with your life, you need to find out who you are. Exactly who you are, not just bits in pieces and sometimes that means to leave."
"Leave where?"
"Wherever you want."
Alex turned to him. "You're right."
Amyntor couldn't have given me better advice. I needed to do something for, whether that was fucking up or falling down. I needed to take time to think about myself. I needed to take off. I needed to be somewhere quiet and distant. Go to a junk yard. Because the feeling of anger, sadness and loneliness was taking over quicker than I had imagined. I was about to graduate from Highschool and move on to college for fuck sake and I was still in the same spot I was when this shit started. Lost. Fucking Lost. But if this truly was a dream, I had nothing to lose.
Amyntor reminded me that I had something in store. I had something in store for myself, with no clue to what it could be. And I think everyone around me, everyone close, had a bad feeling about it. Hell, I had a bad feeling about. So time lost was much needed. So that I could find myself again.
"I'm sorry." Alex spoke softly.
"Sorry for what?"
"For falling in love with your son."
Amyntor smiled, a slight chuckle hidden in the back of his throat, but it was filled deeply with sorrow. He told himself he should be the one asking for forgiveness. He was sorry that he couldn't be absolutely accepting towards it but he was happy that everything was finally clear, that Alex finally came through to him. Finally admitting his feelings for his son, without him having to force it from him. His eyes filled with water and he kept driving.
"You're probably thinking I'm not good enough for Phai."
"I didn't say that. I don't think that either. I just need, I absolutely need my son to be happy."
The blonde stared off, as the familiar past of filled pain eyes entered his head. The image of his lovers unhappiness and emptiness screamed at him and there was absolutely no way he could forgive what he has done to him, And the memories broke through, he couldn't ignore it anymore, when he cheated on his loving general with other lovers, leaving him alone with a saddened and abandoned heart. He would accept the daily burden of being without Phai if it meant he didn't have to put him through any of that ever again. "I'm not good enough for him. I never have been." Why couldn't the world be as dark as his thoughts, that way he was on even ground and his complexity would read as a regular thing.
Amyntor sighed. "No one is truly good enough for anybody. Do you think I'm good enough for my wife because we look happy together? No. There are things I've kept from her and I swore to myself I will tell her as long as I'm with her. But I haven't and I'm not going too. The same goes for her. No one has that perfect match. There is always going to be an issue. Even ones that are unsolvable. I'm not opposed to you liking my son Alex. But if you're thinking that you're somehow not good enough for him then it sounds like you need to figure out what you want. Because anyone who is going to love my son had better love him one hundred percent."
"I love your son more than a percentage is worth sir."
"Then what's the problem?"
Alex looked at him.
Have you ever started to enjoy a good TV show? You wait for it to come on every week. You fall in love with one of the characters. There is nothing more exciting than to have a relationship with this special show. The episodes just keep getting better and better. The seasons keep getting better and better and you're just fall in love. And you've felt you grew up with it. It's a part of you now…
Then out of nowhere it gets cancelled. This is my relationship with Phai. I want to know Phai forever. I want to love him forever. Not just some of his life. I was planning on living a short life. Very short. And it occurred to me even more than it has been, that I might not be around long enough to grow with Phai. He deserves to grow up with someone and live happy with someone. He doesn't deserve to grow happy with me, loose me sooner rather than later, and then live lonely the rest of his life.
I will not allow that to happen. If he's going to be happy, he had better stay happy… as long he lives.
Another chapter is up for you guys. Hope you enjoy it! It's extra long, just how some of you like it :) And as always thanks for the reviews!
-Also, this is in response to Lysis, in your last review, sorry I didn't get to you sooner, but I just want to reiterate my comment about Craterus being a coward. Craterus was not a coward in the sense that he feared the enemy. We need to look deeper. He was a coward in the sense that he was giving up. I understand my story is fiction but for the most part I do stick true to history and true to the movie in which my characters are solely based on, whether it had it's flaws or not. I understand your sensitivity on the subject. However I never said that Craterus was a coward in battle. I also know that ALL of Alexander's companions and generals were brave elite soldiers on the battlefield. But when it came to Alexander's dreams and ambitions, there is no doubt that his men did cower. They were afraid of the unknown. They were afraid of Alexander's way of thinking. They were afraid of his dreams. Because as we all know, Alexander's way of thinking was far and beyond, something they couldn't quite latch onto. It was beyond their world. Alexander has every right to call anyone a coward who wouldn't and couldn't compare to his aspirations and dreams. Maybe that's bad-mannered and cruel of him to say or think, but his dreams were enormous. He has a right to call Craterus a coward for not believing in him, just like he has the right to call anyone not willing to follow him to the ends of the earth, a coward. Calling Alexander a coward would be a different story. Only Alexander could call Alexander a coward, unless someone exceeds his ambition. That's his train of thought.
Alexander gave his men a speech before he went east. He talked about having a peaceful death. I could only imagine the idea his men had after. They probably thought their king had finally gone mad, that Alexander was leading them all to their death, that he was biting off more than he could chew. Maybe Alexander was punishing them. Or maybe Alexander was an extremist and a true tyrant. Craterus approached the king to speak for the rest of the men. Standing up to Alexander like that, there is nothing coward about it, but Alexander assumed instantly his men cowards, because they were giving up.
We can argue that Alexander's thought process at the time was naturally flawed. Because he couldn't process why his men wanted desperately to go home to their wives and kids so badly, something Alexander in all honestly probably didn't care or understand anything about. He looked forward to something. After all, glory was just around the corner.
If we're going to go down the fiction road, note this is not my opinion, this is Alexander's opinion. I am the author, yes, therefore I must take the time to understand my characters. I need to understand what was happening in Alexander's mind at the time. I have to put myself in Alexander's shoes. I have to consider what I would have done or thought in a situation such as his. Alexander has every right to call any man a coward if they can't step on the same knives he's willing to step on. He's made his sacrifices for his men, and he's been through every thing they've been through and more. In his mind, if he could do it, everyone else should be able. Don't take coward as the literal sense of the word. Take it as Alexander's conceptual way of thinking. Take it as Alexander being on an entire different platform. We all know Craterus isn't a coward or else he'd be of no use to Alexander or the army, but as far as my fiction story goes, it makes sense for Craterus and all of the men to eventually cower. They have been in India too long. They have men dying left and right from sickness and snake poisoning. They had almost lost the battle. They had almost lost Alexander, and now the king has gone missing. They are restless and scared and what is left to do? You also have to understand why Alexander would even throw out a comment like that. Craterus was a friend to the king, so imagine how Alexander feels when he discovers the friend he trusted more than anyone besides Hephaistion was giving up on him.
Anyone can be brave in heart, and still be a coward in mind.
I hope this helps you understand where I was coming from. I mean no disrespect to Craterus or to you. I appreciate you and respect you as a reader and author and I'm glad you're still on this journey with me.
Love
Stranger