Eyes that see into Infinity
Part 2
Chapter Twenty Nine
End of part Two
/
The exhausted drunk who was lounging lazily on the living room sofa, slowly opened one eye as he heard the doorbell ring. Phillip growled as he lifted his arm to check the time. "It better not be any of those goddamn girl scouts." He snorted while yawning, swinging his legs off the couch letting his feet press onto the cold floor. He also had no intention of hurrying himself slowly tying his robe closed.
Amyntor sighed as he continued to wait. He did not look happy which sucked because he was normally a happy guy very well content with some parts of life.
It took about a three minute struggle tripping over alcohol bottles and beer cans before Phillip came swinging open his door. And he definitely could have been more surprised to see who it was. "Oh it's you." He said bringing a coffee mug filled with beer to his lips. "What can I do for you?" He asked with a scrutinizing look in his faded eyes.
"We need to talk." Amyntor spoke, the tone leaving his mouth was level.
"What could you possibly have to say to me this freaking early in the morning?" Phillip knew damn well why the father of Alex's new boy toy was at his front door that early in the morning.
"You coming over to my house last night and insulting not only my son but your own. I can tolerate you being an asshole but when it comes to my son, or any of my kids I will fucking murder you." It was a straight legit threat and Amyntor brought nothing with him but complete seriousness.
Phillip sort of just rolled his eyes and gave him a welcoming grunt. "You're going to have to talk while I get ready. I have errands to run."
"I don't need to come in Phillip; I need you to understand that it was outright offensive what you did last night and next time that happens which I will make sure it won't, I'll shoot you. I will fucking shoot you dead." He emphasized the last threat serenely.
"And this entire time I was thinking you were as guiltless as your boy but I'm finally starting to see the soldier in you." Phillip remarked, took a gulp from his cup, smacked his lips and nodded a respectful hint. "Fair enough. But this shit about our sons being fuck friends isn't going to fly. I don't accept it and neither should you."
Amyntor rolled his eyes when Phillip decided to continue the conversation inside. So he walked into the home with his mannerism remaining conservative. The first thing he did was look around admiring the interior which was just as nice as his own despite the wreck they had going on, like two parties happened in one night.
Then his attention focused back on the hung over man who headed straight towards the kitchen. "You want coffee? Tea? Water?" Phillip offered as he searched his medicine bag for his anti depressants and daily vitamins. "I'm out of juice though. It's probably rotting somewhere in Alex's room. He has a habit of not refrigerating shit."
"No thank you." Amyntor declined respectfully trying to figure out if Phillip was actually this satisfied with the person he turned out to be.
"Suit yourself." Phillip popped four pills in his mouth, chasing it down with the remaining liquid in his mug.
"Drink often?" Amyntor asked not feeling exceptionally polite at the moment.
"All the time." Then he grossly burped. "Oh and don't mind the mess."
"Actually I feel I have stopped by on a lucky day."
"When there aren't empty bottles lying around, there are naked chicks lying around, so yea I think you did stop by on a lucky day. Make yourself at home." Phillip answered smugly as he removed his robe and tossed it on the couch. Amyntor was very relieved he had at least boxers on. That would have been a very disturbing sight. "So you wanna talk, let's talk. I think what our boys are doing is unnatural. I also can't be more frank than that."
"Unnatural? Drinking alcohol on a weekday, out of a coffee mug 7 A.M in the morning is unnatural." Amyntor added in shrewdly.
"It's definitely coffee I'm drinking."
"It's definitely beer I'm smelling."
"So what's your story anyway? Are you also some kind of homo or something?" Phillip lit up his Marlboro thinking they could take time away from the coffee/alcohol disagreement.
Amyntor scoffed dismissively not believing that he was just asked that. He took composure and figured he could have been angrier about Phillip's lack of knowledge of the subject but then he decided what Phillip displayed wasn't ignorance at all. It was complete revulsion. "No."
"You could have had me fooled." Phillip answered back gruffly staring suspiciously at him in between smokes. "So your son told you he likes dick? How did that go?" He asked vulgarly even though he wasn't meaning to be bad-mannered. It's just how he was. He was very dim about the feelings of others and was raised with parents who had foul mouths.
Amyntor glared. "I wouldn't go as far as calling it 'liking dick'. I'm sure we can be more mature about how we ask things."
"Well what would you call that?" Phillip threw up his hands.
Amyntor shook his head. "Never mind that. But yes, I have come to terms with it. It wasn't that I hated the idea of him being gay, I was just unsure mostly. But everything stopped mattering the second I saw him happy. All I want is Phai to be happy. That's it. That's all it's ever been about."
"Well I have some news for you. Alex will not make your son happy." Phillip replied in cynicism. "I'm gonna die young because of that boy. Phai will too."
"You're very closed minded." Amyntor told him casually. He was also shocked that Phillip would think that. He spoke of his son like he was some type of deadly virus.
"I'm okay with that…." Phillip grinned, then went up the stairs to grab some things while he continued to speak his mind. "And if you ask me, you're far to open minded."
"I didn't realize being open-minded could be a terrible thing."
Phillip walked over to the top of the stairs as he pulled over his head a white t shirt. "I want my son to have standards."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Amyntor retorted heavily. He couldn't believe he was even giving this douche bag the time of day.
Phillip rested his hands on the railing of the stairs. "It means that I don't want your son being around or with my son. Alex does not like boys. He's confused at the moment and your son isn't necessarily helping the situation by allowing Alex, who by the way thinks with his dick quite often when he sees something pretty, grope him." Then Phillip took off back into his room to finish changing.
Impatience settled in Phai's father as he waited for him. And a couple minutes later Phillip came back down with a dumb smirk on his face. "I'm glad we could have this talk."
"I can't imagine Alex is the way he is due to his rough upbringing." Amyntor remarked.
"Alex tells you things eh?"
"Yea we talk sometimes. He brings you up quite a bit."
"Whatever the boy told you about me, he's giving you false information. His mind is a wreck. It's always been that way. No doubt his mother has everything to do with his dysfunction."
Amyntor watched as Phillip scattered his way around the house, making a bigger mess while searching for something. "Fuck where is it?!"
"You're son hasn't told me anything I wouldn't have already figured out myself. Also I truly think you perceive your son incorrectly but I'm not here to argue with you about your issues you have with Alex. I'm here telling you to allow our sons to be together if they want to."
"Let me get this straight, you're telling me to allow our sons to have anal sex together whenever they goddamn please? I don't think so."
"I'm definitely not saying that." Amyntor crossed his arms across his chest, heavily sighing as he mentally blamed himself for trying to convince a drunken asshole who enjoyed twisting things out of proportion. But he allowed Phillip to continue because Phillip did deserve to be heard despite his fucked up interpretation he had of their sons.
"Alex makes bad choices. Also I think your son is encouraging him."
"You think Alex just chose to fall in love with my son?"
Phillip chuckled and stopped searching for his wallet for a brief second and faced the taller man. "Let me give you a list of what Alex 'chooses'. He chooses to fail his fucking school assignments. He chooses to disappoint his mother and I. He chooses to get into fights at school. He chooses to go on suspension. He chooses not to sleep and then he disappears to wherever the fuck at night knowing he has school the next morning. He chooses to disrespect me...Oh and he chose to fuck your son in my house." Phillip intentionally reminded. "So let me tell you what I think," Phillip walked up to him as Amyntor shifted looking very upset. "Alex is going through a tough time at school, he's having a tough time with the girls, maybe he couldn't get it up, I don't know exactly what, but my guess he's pressured by his peers, one being your son in particular and he decided he needed to experiment with your son. Hey, it happens. I've done it, I'm sure you have but all it comes down to is it just being a phase. Look, your son is a good looking kid but don't get me wrong I just don't think Alex is serious about him. He'll get over whatever infatuation he has with Phai once I hire female strippers for his next birthday. So in conclusion, so that I can get going, life is about choices and everything we do is a choice."
"Wow." Was Amyntor's only response to all of that and at the same time losing some of the hardness in his face. Phillip found what he was looking for under the cushion of the couch he passed out on waiting for Alex to come home. "And you chose to be homophobic? If you don't accept your son now for who he is, you're going to make him hate you forever. I advise strongly against that."
What does it matter? He hates me anyway." Phillip scoffed but deep down hearing himself say that hurt more than he wanted to admit.
"I doubt that."
Phillip stared at him for a minute with one arm across his chest and the other raised to his beard rubbing it slightly. "Anything else?" He asked flatly.
Amyntor sighed. "Alex and I have talked a couple of times and from what I read of him, he's not confused at all. He may be troubled but he's definitely not confused. He thinks he's confused but he knows exactly what he wants. This is not a matter of him loving my son. It's a matter of him accepting himself. Get over your pride Phillip. Alex knows that he loves you and you know that he loves you. He doesn't know that you love him. Instead of hiring strippers for his birthday, tell him that you love him instead because if you don't tell him some day, you're going to have nobody to love. And it's going to be the worst feeling in the world for you."
"Can't promise you any of that is going to happen." His eyes burned with a passionate stubbornness as he lifted his cigarette to his mouth.
"Remember you said that." Amyntor then turned and left the house.
/
So I had a dream earlier. Want to hear about it? The gallant prince comes up to young Hephaistion.
You should keep your dreams to yourself Prince Alexander. The older boy glares.
I've tried. The prince simply replies, his eyes still holding on to his.
Try harder. The brunette boy suggests in response.
I shouldn't have to. The blonde grins.
You've only known me for four days. I do not want to hear about your dreams. I'm leaving you know. You're far to condescending for my taste. Hephaistion scoffs, his eyes momentarily breaking eye contact with the prince.
The prince shrugsand studies the other boy's behavior towards him as he prepares his comeback. I disagree. I would call myself bold before I call myself condescending.
Well try not to be so bold about your dreams to those you hardly even know. They may not take it to liking. The brunette snaps discourteously, the amount of disturbance causing his eyes to darken.
I can't help it. The future king answers with a calming pressure influencing his tone of voice.
The blue eyes retort heavily. And why not?
It's not possible. And if it were, I would make it so that it wasn't.
You're a pain.
And you're quite electrifying.
You're also intentionally trying to drive me mad. I don't believe as a prince you should be allowed that privilege.
Well I am intoxicating. That will be your punishment for ignoring me.
I did no such thing. The brunette rages.
You speak to all of the boys but me.
The boy speaks abruptly with intent to drop the subject. I was nervous.
The blonde's eyebrow rises in interest at the obvious lie. Why?
You're the prince. The blue eyed boy answers the question,his lips moving cunningly.
You seem fine back talking me as if I don't have the authority to have you personally mutilated. I doubt being nervous has anything to do with it.
The brunette sighs deeply, the blue in his eyes becoming more profound. Okay I will be honest with you Prince. I didn't like you. I don't like you.
The blonde looks offended. You don't like me? You don't even know me. And you say that I'm to bold?
What can I say? Arrogance and pride just reeked from you. And I wasn't going to give you the pleasure of intimidating me with your lingering eyes.
I think you mistake intent Hephaistion; I wasn't staring at you purposely trying to intimidate you with my superiority. I was staring at you because I'm fond of you.
The brunette walks away in annoyance. The prince follows.
Why do you insist on following me? The young brunette boy asks in slight aggravation as he catches the blonde boy sauntering slowly behind him. He can no longer bite his tongue. He's had enough but the shameless prince stares with eyes so intense it causes him to apply his sight elsewhere.
Because I was always told to follow my dreams…
\
That was the exact moment I knew I would be the one to suck the life out of him. That was the exact moment he knew he would be the one to squeeze the life out of me.
There were plenty of things that I hated about myself, and this night was definitely one of them. Since Phai and I met, my entire life started to move slowly, like everything was and is happening in unhurried motion. Nothing is moving at normal speed.
I've always told myself the more time I had the better. Time didn't matter whenever Phai was around… and I loved it. I felt like a thief, and I took him. I stole him away for myself because I didn't want to let him go. In fact I think everything slowed down just for us so that we would have more time together …But things changed…Just like that.
The ground, it's wet. Mud fastens to the bottom of his shoes like glue as he makes his way through to nowhere but somewhere.
I had no idea what my future had in store for me. All I knew was that I was at the start of my breaking point. I was nowhere now. My life, my everything, had maxed out. And I see a future, past and present king left in an empty room. And it didn't matter how many times I have closed and opened my eyes tonight, if everything had stayed the same, we'd still break.
His olive skin brushes by the mist that has settled between the bundled trees. It feels somewhat good on his sweaty face. He spots very little moonlight, his eyes not willing or caring to adjust to the blinding night but he moves forward, holding on.
It took forever to get to this specific climax and it's probably going to take even longer to get out of it. Unfortunately I had all the time in the world and being the intolerant life form that I am, I didn't have the patience for it anymore. I thought I was done. I thought I was through. I thought the best way to avoid it or make things move at a faster pace was to run. Just run. Take off somewhere alone with my cold shadow.
Rain drops are unmerciful as it mocks him, showing him his running reflection inside each and every one of them as they slip off the leaves every time he passes by them. They sparkle like they are trying to tell him something.
Maybe they are leading me somewhere, I think as I sink deeper into the heart of the green meadow. Maybe they want me to turn back, I thought again. But turning back was not an option. I was determined, even more determined than before, to break out of this frozen moment. If there is another side, I want to touch it. Maybe there awaits a black hole, a place where I'm welcomed. I've tried everything else to get time to fly and nothing so far has worked. So I tried to convince myself that praying would help, praying that time wasn't real, that it was all non existent, irrelevant and that I wasn't ever really here to begin with…and that everything would just fast forward to the end credits. And then my thoughts would finish...
But things that are meant to happen do not come to pass by that way. And if I thought time was moving slowly at first, it suddenly stopped completely.
"Alex!"
The blonde was running as fast as he could. He could hear his father calling after him but he was too fast for the older man. He was already quite a distance ahead but as subdued as his mind was and as loud as his breathing was, he can still hear the worried shouts echoing out for him as he got further and further away.
It hasn't even been two hours since our breakup and I'm already heartbroken. I have broken and shattered my own heart. Tolem would either laugh back at how incredibly stupid and in love I was or hate me forever. He used to tell me all the time that my heart was big. Bigger than most. It hurts me to know that he would probably be disappointed knowing that he was wrong.
He's dirty like he's fallen once or twice, his white shirt stained. His black jeans had holes in it with his hair a dead white color. He has cuts and scrapes on his arms like branches and thorns have torn in to his skin as he passed by them trying to get away.
The king in me reprimands me again and again wanting me to turn back, apologize and make things right. And as great as that advice sounded which I probably would have taken if I was a good listener and didn't sulk so much in my own regrets, I realized that it was too late regardless. I've always been one to punish myself accordingly. I deserved this. The king deserved this.
His breathing remained heavy and sweltering.
It was the midnight hour. I wasn't necessarily running to anywhere specific. I just needed it. The other "me" would call that bullshit. He would tell me that I was running from something. But I think I was more like running for the sake of running. Regardless, hardheaded and foolish, I needed to try, and as I ran through the woods behind my home all I could ask myself was why? Why did I do that? Why did I push away the only person I have ever truly loved?
He tries to stop, yet his legs continue down the way of his everlasting nightmare and take him far away, from his recollections.
There was only one thing I had learned when I bailed out on Phai's life. That when it came down to understanding the matters of the heart, I've always understoodd wrong and that love was actually just a figment of the imagination. It never once bothered me why we humans didn't come into this world with instructions and now I find myself desperately needing a guidebook on how to live and what to do. But I suppose that would be too easy. And a part of me wants to turn back and hold Phai forever in my arms. The other part wants to forget he ever happened to me. Those are my conflicted hopes and expectations. And both are not possible. And because of it I am no longer in control of my emotions.
They are in control of themselves…And I keep on going.
Three weeks before the prom
Cassy was smoking outside at the bleachers, glaring at the sun for being to fucking bright. He knew there was more to his self-conscious stare off with the sun than it just being obnoxiously dramatic, but he wasn't trying to bring back dreadful memories, his thoughts being full of them lately. But they kept on coming, no matter how hard he tried telling himself they were not serious enough to reflect upon. He sighed bitterly at his own predicament. He figured this was another lesson coming around to kick him in the ass again for being such a miserable and spiteful person, but for those who knew him, could count the times karma had bit him and he bit right back. He wasn't one to learn from his mistakes.
He adjusted his solid green eyes back towards the field and watched the team as they trained for their last game of the season. Maybe if he focused on what he was supposed to be focusing on he would stop thinking about what he had done, however shortly after, he realized that something like that couldn't be undone. He was officially the biggest asshole in the universe and could clearly see why he was still single, not to mention his perception of romantic relationships just never applied well, which sunk even lower his emotional depth.
Cassy's glare turned quickly uninterested when he spotted Crater approaching him, knowing the 'get off your ass' speech was going to be the main reason for their soon to be interaction.
"What the fuck man!?" The bigger teen began to lecture harshly and directly.
Cassy sighed with a tiny sneer. "Can I help you with something Crater?" He said reaching towards his Jersey pocket to put his lighter and pack of cigarettes away.
"Yea man, get your ass back on the field, we have shit to do. And what is that?" He pointed to the cigarette freshly burning between Cassy's lips.
"If I'm correct it looks like I'm smoking a cigarette." Cassy replied sarcastically.
"That's your second pack today." Crater stated unhappily.
"Yea, and after this baby, I'm going to smoke my third."
"What's going on? Are you feeling rebellious today or something? Did you start your period again because I could have sworn you just got over your last one." Crater scoffed.
Cassy just stared off angrily. "Smoking feels good. It makes me forget about my disorderly fuck disaster of a life. I enjoy the taste. It seduces my lungs and it feels absolutely fucking incredible. So I'm going to continue to smoke my heart out regardless of your lung cancer speech. Also I don't feel like practicing today. I feel like being boring."
"You're a depressing little fuck." Crater said taking a seat next to him as he sighed heavily.
"Sometimes. I solve it though." Cassy offered his cigarette to him and Crater shrugged and happily took it. He would regret it later but these last few days have been stressful for everyone and maybe one or two…or more puffs wouldn't hurt.
"With what? Anti-depressants?" Crater asked letting the smoke release from his mouth.
"No. I just get over it. I never forget it but I get over it." Cassy started to wonder when and how he started to feel that way. Depressed and angry all the time.
"I guess that's all we can do." Crater shook off his contemplative expression.
Yea. I guess." Cassy sighed.
They were both quiet for a couple of seconds as they handed back and forth the smoke.
"My dad sent me a text this morning. I'm sure he was drunk out of his mind because he never texts me. He asked me why I'm still breathing. At first I thought he was just being a fucking dick bag but then I thought about it too and I'm starting to wonder the same thing. I think it's like a general thing people think about though. They wonder about their purpose and meaning in life and in the end of their days they discover none. No purpose at all."
Crater nodded slowly, deep in thought, with a sudden glare in his eyes. "Do you believe in God?"
Cassy easily shook his head. "Nope."
Then Crater asked another question. "Do you think anyone is truly happy out there right now?"
Cassy chuckled quietly at the seriousness of the question. "I don't think anyone is ever truly happy. We're all kinda just depressed assholes hoping to eat and shit another day. It's life's way of revenge for accidentally creating us."
"Life and its funny sense of humor. It's killing us slowly."
"Dry. Life's humor is dry." Cassy corrected.
"Good talk Cass." Crater nudged him, stood and handed him back the almost done cigarette.
"Anytime." Cassy answered.
Cleitus jumped onto the bleachers after the two boys finished their discouraging conversation. "Guess what bitches, it's looking like I'm finally graduating. So suck my dick!"
"Says who?" Crater was actually shocked. Completely shocked. Cassy didn't even really care.
"The principal called me into his office and told me I have a good chance of graduating. I mean just barely, but still. Come to find out my participation was the only thing killing me so I have to get passed these next couple of weeks with great behavior, and I can't be late and I have to turn shit in on time. So don't go encouraging me boys." He slapped Crater on the back. "I think I'm off to a good start. I haven't rolled any blunts today in the boys bathroom. And I didn't come to school wasted from the night before. Instead I drank but loads of coffee."
"Congratulations. I wish I could be happier for you considering you could have graduated a hundred billion times already but it's almost near impossible to feel any type of enthusiasm." Cassy commented with no excitement for him at all.
The black haired man just huffed. "For your information asshole, I don't need your enthusiasm. I don't regret ditching my classes and not doing shit."
"Well duh, it ended with you banging younger girls and snorting coke off their tits." Cassy tossed his cigarette.
"Good times." The black haired man nodded, reminiscing about it. "But at least now I'm doing better than Alex. He's been slipping bad, making me look good. I should probably thank him for that."
"Did he even show up today?" Crater asked curiously. He didn't know why he was curious. He probably should have remained unsurprised about it like the rest of them.
"Yea, he made appearances here and there. Then he just disappeared. I didn't know someone could be so good at disappearing." Cletius responded.
Cassy just rolled his eyes. "He's just unfocused. They know he's smart and they know he's deliberately screwing up. He's done to good, to far into the season to just suddenly fail. His ass is graduating. Just like the rest of us."
"Hey! You guys think you don't have to work hard like the rest of us?" Tolem shouted out towards them, interrupting their break time or whatever they were not doing. He along with Peridcas, Leon and Phil just gave those at the bleachers dirty looks waiting for them to join them so that they could start, while Phai continued with his pushups and sprints.
"Give us a fucking second. We'll be right there!" Crater yelled over to the boys.
"I won't!" Cleitus yelled also.
Phai came up next to Tolem. "Well, it doesn't look like they're going to be joining us anytime soon. So does that mean I can leave? I really need to shower. I don't even understand the smell that is coming from my body."
"No!" Tolem retorted. "When did we become a bunch of slackers. Cassy thinks he's all cool smoking on the bleachers. Crater just wanted to get out of working hard and Cleiuts is totally distracting them. And is Alex even on the team anymore?...and what the hell are you two doing?" He glared harshly at Leon and Perdicas who decided to take a early break even though they weren't previously hard at work. So they just sat down on the grass.
"We're resting." Perdicas answered. Then pulled out his phone to play some games on it.
"And I need to tan for a little bit." Leon said laying on his back and letting the sun soak in his pale skin. " I have to have good skin for the game."
Tolem shook his head in resentment.
"So..." Phil extended a question he was about to ask.
"What Phil?"
"So can I go take a break also. I haven't eaten since this morning and you know, I'm sort of a diabetic so I should probabaly eat something."
"You are not a fucking diabetic." Phai called him out instantly.
"It didn't' hurt to try I guess. But I seriously didn't eat this morning so I'm gonna go grab like a banana or something. You know to get my energy going for when we actually do something."
Tolem flew up his hands in defeat. "I give up. I'm tired of being the nice guy."
Phai patted him on the back in a pathetic attempt to comfort him. "Well not everyone can be a natural born leader."
"Fuck you Phai."
"Sorry. I'll get back to work."
Cleitus grinned at Tolem's frustration and everyone's lack of dedication. "Tolem really needs to get laid. Thais needs to like give him a really special lap dance or let him touch her titties or something."
"And speaking of tits again, what the fuck does this bitch want?" Crater asked and the second he did, Cassy and Cleitus both looked up to see Roxanne heading towards them. Any expression they had on before formed into an instant frown and suddenly they wanted to get back to work. But that wouldn't stop her from coming over for whatever she was over there for.
"Fuck." Cassy mumbled under his breath. He didn't really have the energy to deal with her at the moment.
"Yea…have fun guys."
"Where the hell are you going?" Crater and Cassy simultaneously asked the blacked haired man like they were angry he was leaving them both alone with her. And suddenly Cassy was hoping Crater wouldn't leave him either.
"To take a shit." Cleitus hopped off the bleachers and waved to Cassy and Crater in spitefulness as he was leaving.
"Hello boys." She greeted with her normal bitch attitude.
"Hi." They both barely muttered.
"Crater, I need to speak to Cassy alone. Can you be a good little boy and skip away with the rest of the loser boys over there?"
"We're kinda busy. We actually need to get back to practice. Maybe you can come back some other time, let's see here, uh, like never."
Cassy said nothing, ignoring her, not even looking her way.
"Really? Crater I don't know if you heard but Cassy and I shared a wonderful experience the other day that I'm almost positive you'd like to hear about. Let's see, let's see, hmm, where should I start?" She evilly stalled.
"What the fuck do you want?" Cassy interrupted furiously.
Roxanne just smiled; finally gaining the reaction she hoped for and looked at Crater hinting that he leaves.
Cassy looked at Crater. "I'll join you later."
"Yea, whatever." Then the bigger teen stood left the bleachers glaring hard at Roxanne. "Oh and Cassy, you're going to tell me about this so called 'experience'."
They both waited until he was far enough. "Oops, sorry I almost slipped up." Roxanne glared at Cassy. Then she just continued to stare at him as if he was supposed to have something ready to say to her.
"Can I help you?" he asked irately.
"Don't play dumb. Time's ticking." She grumbled the obvious.
He sighed, ignored her and continued to light up another smoke.
This time she sighed with wearing patience and crossed her arms. "Really Cassy? I let you fuck me."
"Yea you did. And it will never happen again."
She looked at him questioningly but remained unimpressed. "You loved it. You hadn't had sex in so long people were mistaking you for being a born again virgin. I did you a favor."
"The answer is no Roxanne. I will not take you to fucking prom. Just because we fucked doesn't mean jack shit. You weren't that fucking great and I can get any bitch here to fucking moan and whimper like that any day of the fucking week. Don't act like you did me a favor by allowing me to put my dick inside you. So I'm going to lay down some advice for you, stop being a whiny little whore desperate for Alex's attention."
"You're full of shit Cassy. Don't act like you don't want it. It's getting fucking old."
"I'm not going to make Alex jealous for you. He won't care. You think he's just going to feel angry and vengeful that you and I are going to prom together? You think he's just going to act a fool when he sees us holding hands and dancing. You're out of your mind if you think any of that is going to play out. What do you not understand about that? Not to mention his attention isn't going to be on any of us, if he were going. But news flash, he's not going."
"He has eyes only for Phai, bla, bla, bla…You don't think that I thought about all of that already? Alex is a sensitive little bitch. We used to date, and I'm pretty sure he thinks you're one of his best friends. He'd probably go ape shit. It would be a terrible betrayal."
"He broke up with your ass. And last time I checked you two were never dating. Leave it to fucking Alex to breakup with a crazy bitch he never even took on one date or called girlfriend."
"Yea and he also has no idea you fucked me. It's not necessarily what he'd think of me but what he would think of you. If you don't go with me that's fine. There are plenty of guys here who would. I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. Alex will find out either way. I mean I could just tell him myself."
"Tell him what?" Cassy hissed.
"The truth. That you and I fucked because you were angry at him all because Phai would rather ride his dick than yours." She answered with no reservation.
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"Bullshit? Really Cassy? What would you say happened that night? That I slipped and fell on your dick? If that's not the correct answer, tell me the reason why you came over and fucked me than? I know for a fact you have no feelings for me or I you, so there must be a reason why you felt you needed to come over."
Cassy laughed wrathfully. "Good luck on your master plan. Alex is not going to believe anything that comes out of your mouth anyway. There is no one in this world with greater hatred for you than him besides me."
"Did he tell you that?" She asked in malicious concentration.
"He didn't have to. And now we're done here." Cassy grabbed his bag and started to walk away. "Also do not fuck with me Roxanne." He warned sternly.
"Or what? Are you going to hurt me? Choke me like Alex did?" The dark skinned girl smirked challengingly.
"Oh, I don't want to spoil anything for you honey, but you will most certainly regret it. And unlike Alex, I'd finish the job." He informed.
"Whatever you say Cass." Roxanne smiled. "However let's clear one tiny confusion up; I'm not desperate for his attention. I'm desperate for revenge. I don't want him back. I want him damaged. The sad part about you is that you're growing feelings which have already made you weak. We could have been a good team. But I'm going to destroy Alex and whether you like it or not, you will be a part of it. Phai will also be a part of it. You're going to soon discover that it feels right, that it feels good doing the wrong thing. It's what you really want and eventually after I have taken care of everything my way you'll thank me later. Oh and another thing, I play this whole being a soulless bitch better than you. So let's clear one more thing up, do not fuck with me because it's you who will regret it. Guaranteed. See you later Cass."
She pushed by him, patting him twice on the chest and strutted away.
He swam to the edge of the pool where Alex was waiting for him. Phai wiped the water away from his eyes and stared up at the blonde.
"Hi?" He smiled gently.
"Hi." The blonde smiled back. But he looked bothered about something.
"What are you up to?"
"Just…you know...Stuff." Alex replied simply. "Also something interesting happened today. I would call it magic but I don't believe in that."
Phai rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what Alex was going to bring up. Then he took a deep breath and waited for it.
"So as I'm going to my classes today I keep getting these weird pats on the back by teachers I don't care about or care to do the work for however they are congratulating me for the homework I finally and supposedly "turned in". But I recall, I haven't turned shit in since the day I stopped giving a shit about doing homework."
"Well, Alex what do you want me to say? Yea, I turned in your homework for you which I don't understand why you did the work in the first place if you weren't going to turn it in anyway. So stop acting like a child and get your shit together."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you have to graduate, dumbass!"
"I was going to eventually turn it all in."
"Yea well turning shit in late actually is an automatic fail. And it certainly won't graduate you. Not to mention every single answer you gave was a hundred percent correct so you can thank me later. So did you come to get mad at me for caring about your success in life or did you come to watch me swim?"
"I came to watch you."
"Yea. About that. It's getting creepy." The brunette joked.
"Yea well I do creepy really well." Alex said his smirk a tease. Phai didn't know whether to take that one seriously or not so he dismissed it. He was sure it would get him hot and bothered later.
"Still not going to prom?" He changed the topic which was probably a bad idea because Alex's entire vibe changed immediately. Just like that. The dread that had been building inside him flowed through his every vein as he looked down at Phai. "Yea." The blonde answered promptly and degradingly. He thought maybe he could prevent doing something stupid if he didn't go. The tension and wariness was plaguing him for weeks.
"You never know, it could be fun." Phai asked with an encouraging smile. "It's also okay not to have a date to go with."
"You just want me to go because you're going."
"You're right." Phai admitted with no shame. "Or else I wouldn't keep asking if you're going."
"It's too late anyway." Alex dismissed. "Your date she's cute though. However you might be too promiscuous for her."
"Whatever Alex." Phai said begrudgingly not just towards the comment but mainly just towards Alex's entire demeanor lately. He just seemed so off his usual self which he couldn't really say he had a usual self because he's always been unusual but he was getting to the point where he was just acting incoherent, illogical and odd. And Phai was afraid Alex's disease was finally catching up to him. And it didn't make it any easier that Alex decided to just give up. On everything. It only gave Phai little hope for him which tore at his heart because he didn't want to feel that way.
The brunette hopped out of the pool, shoving the blonde aside lightly. He walked over to the bench and snatched up his towel to dry himself.
Naïve to having pissing him off, Alex called after him. "What are you doing after school?"
"School work Alex, something that doesn't mean shit to you anymore."
"I've been doing better." Alex responded and it only furthered Phai's frustration.
"Since when is turning nothing in doing better?" Alex folded his arms and sighed as Phai stared at him unhappily. "You're so weird sometimes."
"Sorry." Alex muttered softly.
"I'm gonna go change now and then I'm going to go home."
"Do you want a ride?"
"If you want to wait for me feel free. If not, I'm sure I am able to get myself home."
The blonde just shrugged and smiled briefly. "I'll wait. It's not like I have anything better to do."
Alex watched Phai shake his head and leave for the gym lockers. He then slung his back pack from his shoulder and placed it by his feet. Then sat on the bench and just looked completely locked in his mind, saddened, watching as the ripples in the pool swayed back and forth. And it brought him back to the discussion he had with Tolem no more than forty minutes before he came to watch his beautiful blue eyed love he had been chasing for so long.
Fifty minutes Ago
Tolem was undressing himself from his uniform; thankful football was over until the actual game the following week. Phai had headed to his last swimming session and everyone else had bailed early. Surprisingly Alex was still there for reasons unknown to him. He was sitting alone in the dark music room staring at the piano. Just staring like if he looked away for one second it would disappear or something. Almost like he was deciding whether he should play it or not. He didn't realize he had been staring at it for over twenty minutes until Tolem turned on the lights and asked how long he's been staring at it.
"I knew I would find you somewhere." The curled haired boy looked around the newly lit room.
Alex didn't even acknowledge him all that much and continued to look at the piano.
"I hate seeing you like this Alex. You know that. So I'm finally going to ask. Why are you acting all weird and shit?" Tolem pulled out a chair from its place and sat.
The blonde sighed and with parted lips he was ready to say something. Then he stopped his thoughts before they would leave his mouth. Then he shook his head, his eyelashes lowering. He was avoiding Tolem's eyes as much as possible.
"You know you not making eye contact with me and not speaking isn't going to make me leave this room."
Alex respected Tolem to much to not tell him what was going on and finally gave him the eye contact he wanted even though their was hurt and uneasiness displayed in his golden eyes. "Whatever I have going on with Phai, I have to end it."
"What?" Tolem asked as if he didn't hear the first time. "Are you being serious right now?"
Alex glared at him. "I'm certainly not joking, Tols."
"No, but I was hoping you were. What the fuck Alex?"
"Things are difficult." Alex was very unstill now, like he was causing himself to be nervous. His brain was telling him he was more ready for it than what his heart felt. It was funny because he never had a difficult time following his heart. But now it felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest and held captive in his own palm. Which left him with nothing to follow.
Tolem looked dumbfounded at first as he searched for an appropriate response. "You mean you're getting complicated?"
"Tolem if anyone would understand why, it's you. I need to do this. I really need to do this. And yes it's because of me. It has nothing to do with Phai I fucking promise you that. Absolutely nothing to do with him."
"You piss me off so much Alex." Tolem grumbled running his hands through his hair. He dropped his hands in his lap, really with nothing to say even though he wanted to say a lot. Like how Alex was not only ruining Phai's life, but his own.
"I'm sorry." Alex said as he saw how upset Tolem looked about it. "You think I want this Tolem?" Alex stood and approached him.
Tolem growled back in frustration. "I guess I can't believe you're just going to destroy him like that."
The blonde instantly turned saddened at those words. "Why would you think I'm trying to destroy him?"
Tolem angrily stood from his seat. "Than what are you doing?"
"I have to let him go."
"What could possibly be your reason?"
Alex could feel his throat starting to burn up almost to the point of it going numb. "I'm not a good person." He shifted uneasily.
It wasn't intentional to make him feel that way at all but somehow deep that hurt Tolem to hear that. What the fuck was Alex talking about not being a good person? "I will never completely understand what goes on in your stupid brain Alex. Bad person how? Did you kill someone? Did you cheat on a test? Did you steal a pencil from your classmate?"
"Tolem, please take me seriously."
"No! I hate when you're serious Alex. Everyone hates when you're serious. When you're serious, everyone gets serious almost naturally like the entire world revolves around you, and we all care about you enough to want our lives to revolve around you. When you're not happy, I'm not happy, your friends aren't happy, and Phai is especially never happy when you're not in a good mood. What happened to those days when you two were always together, always happy, always having fun? We all want to know what the fuck is up with you lately. Leon is so worried about you he calls me everyday to ask because he thinks you and I are the closest and you tell me everything, apparently not. Phil, even though he's a fucking dickhead, asks me all the time what's wrong with you. I am so sorry that you think you're such a bad person Alex, but we know, your friends know, your family knows, that you are a good person. Why can't you see that?"
"I know who I am and I don't need you to tell me that I'm a good person when I know it's not true."
Tolem crossed his arms. "Your opinion about yourself has always been heartbreaking."
"Sorry."
Tolem sighed knowing he was being a little harsh on him. "I take it that there is no way I am going to be able to talk some sense into you?"
Alex shook his head. "I've decided this awhile ago. I don't want it Tolem. I need it. And please don't hate me for it. I don't want you to hate me. Anyone else can hate me just not you."
"I will never hate you Alex. I have no right to tell you what to do with your choices or with your feelings for that matter. But your decision making skills lately are all fucked up. Just know what you are letting go of. Just understand the pain he's going to feel. Understand the pain you are going to feel. And understand that he is in love with you." Tolem stated. "Madly. No matter what happens or what you do, or where you think you need to run to, you can not prevent him from falling in love with you more, because he's already completely there. It's just something people don't completely get over no matter what kind of closure they get."
"I'm hoping he finds someone better in hopes he'll move on."
"He'll never move on. It's not that easy. You know that. If you know Phai better than I do, than you know it's going to be the hardest thing he'll ever have to do. It's going to be the hardest thing you'll have to do."
"I know." Alex looked down towards the ground.
"And I know you don't want this either. I don't think you're ready."
"I'm never going to be ready."
End of flashback
I was literally stuck under an iron sea. With sharks surrounding me, waiting for me to finish drowning, until I finally stop putting up a struggle so that they could pick me apart and leave the waters resting in the blood of my tears. Maybe if my heart didn't hurt this bad, I wouldn't hurt so bad. Loss is so distinctive when you're in love.
Phai sighed in a mixture of apprehension and uncertainty as he came back out to see Alex still waiting for him. He looked absolutely cheerless and completely focused at the pool before him. He thought maybe he was being too hard on him earlier. He sat next to him and took his hand in his.
"Alex, my moms going with me to pick out a tuxedo after school. If you want to come you can. That's all I had planned tonight. If you want to do something tonight after we can do something tonight. And I didn't mean to call you weird. You're not weird Alex." He kissed him on the cheek, forgetting that people might be around, but that wasn't at all on his mind. Alex smiled at him but then turned back towards the water. When Alex didn't say anything Phai turned worried. He could see that he was in grief. "What's wrong?"
"When will all of this be over?"
"What?"
"I'm hoping that it could come soon. So that I can finally just die."
Phai opted to be silent. Those words cut through him like a knife. He had no idea how to respond. He didn't know how to respond either to the loose tears in Alex's dull eyes. So he squeezed Alex's leg firmly. "Everything is going to be okay Alex."
The hole opened up in his own heart and he just sat quietly next to him and stared ahead at whatever Alex was staring at. And they sat there together for a little while longer.
Most people fear death. It makes them nervous thinking about when there time will come. Me, I can't wait for the day. Dying? It seems to fit somehow.
"Oh hun. This is gorgeous. You will look so handsome in this one." His mother squealed as she showed him one of the suits on display at the shop they were at.
"It's just a tuxedo mom. They all look the same." He answered in a terrible mood.
"Oh but honey, this is perfect."
"I guess."
"Phai don't make it awkward for her. You're the one who is supposed to be excited about this, not mom. Show some of that enthusiasm of yours or something." Callista said and Phai forgot that she was even there.
"When I thought tuxedo shopping mom, I didn't think Callista would be included."
"What was I supposed to do with her?"
"Dropped her at home with dad after you picked her up from school? Or left her there."
"Phai!" –"Phai!" Both Callista and the mom scolded simultaneously.
"I meant leave her there so that she could catch the bus." He corrected so that he wouldn't get further glares.
"Incase you haven't noticed Phai, your fathers been acting weird lately. Like he needs alone time, which is why I didn't want Callista home."
"Are you saying I'd be a bother mom?" Callista turned sad.
"That's probably exactly what she's saying." Phai grinned.
"Shut up Phai." She told him.
"No dear. And Phai knock it off. You're acting real bitchy. And all I'm saying is that your father needs alone time and anyone would be a bother at the moment. And so now we're here shopping for my graduating son. I'm so happy for you, hun! She hugged him and smooched him on the cheek.
"Thanks mom." He shyly smiled. He wished he could summon up the energy to be happier about it.
The prom, the tuxedo, weren't at all on his mind. He wanted Alex to feel whole again. He wanted this moment to tell his mom about Alex. He told himself straightforward honesty would be the best and easiest way to go, but he just couldn't do it. Too many thoughts of it going wrong. And that feeling of disappointing her was still nagging at him. Disappointing his mother would be the worst feeling in the world.
"Phai we should probably get you measured?" She turned her head looking around for anybody who worked there.
"Mom can I tell you something?" The words barely escaped his lips. He felt disoriented just thinking about how lame he felt.
"Yea sure hun, what is it?"
He cleared his throat making room for a suitable confession then the words never came. He just looked at her like he had already said what he wished to say and he was just awaiting her response.
"What is it Phai?"
Tension and awkwardness began to grow as no one spoke. His nerves felt like they were going to collapse.
Phai looked to the floor, blue eyes poignant. And a lump formed in his throat. Feeling like he'd rather kill himself than say the words.
"Honey are you okay?" She looked really worried.
He shook his head as if he was shaking a bad memory away. "Nothing. I don't remember what I wanted to say."
Then he walked off to look at the other suits the store had to offer.
Callista looked at her mom. "That was weird. I'm telling you mom, therapy."
Day of prom…
"Oh my goodness, you boys look absolutely gorgeous." Phai's mom complimented and she shoved all of the boys close together for a group photo.
Alex was lying on his bed and his music was blasting while all of the excitement was happening outside on Phai's front yard. No one knew why they made Phai's house the hot spot to arrive. It was probably because they've all been there before and were comfortable around Phai's parents.
Phillip walked into Alex's room stuffing his mouth with a glazed donut and turned down the volume to the music. Alex just gave him a death stare.
"You're not going to join your friends downstairs and wish them well?"
"I guess I would but I don't really care."
"Well as their friend you should probably go see them before they head out."
"They know I'm happy for them."
"What about Phai? You're not going to say bye to him either?"
Alex glared at him. He couldn't tell if his dad was being sarcastic, passive aggressive or if that was actually an honest question. But his dad had never been honest. "What about him? And why the fuck do you care?" He went off the deep edge because saying bye to Phai would make him feel like a bigger asshole, because a goodbye was already coming. His dad unknowingly just happened to remind him.
Phillip crossed his arms and leaned against the door. "You know what Alex, I've tried pretending that you and the neighbor kid didn't happen but then I remember I caught you two fucking in my house and now I'm traumatized for life which is completely and absolutely your fault. However that's a memory I'm just going to have to live with forever because… hell, I have no choice. So in the mean time I'm trying really hard to understand why you like dick. It's not easy for me. So cut me some slack."
"You claiming that you're trying to understand is all fucking bullshit, so let me ask you something. Why are you all of a sudden acting like you're trying to accept it? I mean if you don't accept it, eventually I will stop giving a shit about the ill feelings you have towards me and I'm surely able to move on with my life with or without your advice. In simpler words your opinion doesn't matter to me. It hasn't mattered for awhile. "
"Because you're my son and I care about you." Their was sincerity in his tone.
"Words never sounded so truer." Alex's voice was flat and his expression blank.
"Just go and visit your fucking friends before they leave. Your temper lately has been a lose cannon and I don't like it. Get the hell out of my house with that shit."
"Fine." Alex swung his body off the bed and shoved his father aside on his way to the front door.
"Oh and don't forget to smile. Act like you give a shit. And their are donuts downstairs. I ate most of them but they're down there."
"Don't tell me to smile, and don't tell me to give a shit. Did you get chocolate donuts?"
"Those are the ones I ate."
"Fuck off dad."
Alex went downstairs, snatched the entire box of donuts and took them outside with him as he walked over to Phai's house where everyone was gathered with their dates. All of his friends were there but Cassy. Even Roxanne was there the only reason being because Thais was there.
Alex leaned against a tree while everyone were getting pictures snapped of them. He didn't know how Cleitus managed to bring two dates but hell, more power to him he thought.
Phai's mother waved him over to join the photo but he sent her a hand gesture, respectively declining. Phai peered away from his date and at Alex when he noticed that everyone else noticed he was there. He smiled a little at him and Alex smiled a little back. Him showing up anywhere became a surprise to everyone lately. Then he noticed Roxanne was watching them but Alex avoided the look she gave him across the yard.
Cleitus went up to the blonde and kissed him drunkenly on the mouth. Alex pushed him away. "Cleitus don't ever touch my mouth with yours again."
"Oh get over it. You should be excited for us. I'm excited for us."
"I can't believe your drunk already. Actually that was stupid of me, of course you're drunk." Alex said. Cletius kissed him on the cheek.
"I love you man. You're a pain in the ass but I love you."
"Love you too Cleitus."
Cleitus skipped away and Alex turned to watch Phai interacting with his date. He blinked thinking they were actually cute together but then again he knew he was just trying to make it easier for himself. This gave him the time to admire Phai. This was the time to rethink what he was letting go of. He looked at his face feeling soothed by his beauty. He recognized his devastating smile which had transformed his already handsome features into a breathtaking one. The blue eyes were astounding in the sun. And he could start to feel his regrets. They had shared something so intimate and the thought of it disappearing in a heart beat was frightening. He thought about what they shared in the past and what they shared in between. Is it really going to be gone? Alex was engrossed in his inner musings, his expression in his eyes reflecting the building defeat he was feeling.
My thoughts were so deepened that I don't remember if I said much to Phai before he left with his date. I remember it being quick. I remember congratulating him. I remember him giving me a simple 'thanks'. Then I told him to have fun. And all he said was 'sure'. He was in by no means angry at me. He just didn't know what to say to me anymore.
All he wanted was me there. Then they were gone and off to the actual fun.
He seemed to be making more appearances outside lately now that he had nothing to do as he sat at his front porch looking up at the stars in the sky. Being inside, whether he was watching TV or occupying himself with books in his bedroom, made his head feel compressed with despair and the thought of staring up at his ceiling for the millionth time again while trying to force sleep on himself or flipping the channels to nothing new made it hard for him to breath, like the recurrences were killing him.
"What's so interesting up there?"
Alex turned his head toward Cassy as he saw the teen approaching from the shadows of his home. Then the green eyed boy sat down next to him and lit up a smoke.
Alex smirked and looked away. "The stars are brighter today than they were yesterday. I don't know if it's because I've looked at them for too long. The more I look the brighter they are or it could be that they are actually a lot brighter than before. I can't tell."
"Well staring at something for a long period of time probably comes with consequences. I think it's called blind sight."
"I wasn't staring. I was counting."
"Counting stars? If you ask me it sounds like a waste of time. But then again you're kinda weird that way. I seriously couldn't imagine what you'd rather spend your time on."
"Why is it a waste of time? As far as I'm concerned time isn't going anywhere."
"Because every time someone tries, they always lose count."
"If you lose count, you're counting wrong."
"Is an infinity amount of stars worth counting Alex? Be honest."
"When you have all the time in the world, yes. When time doesn't let you know that your time is running out, also yes. I'm surprised you didn't go." Alex said, speaking about the prom they were both sadly missing out on for different but similar reasons.
"I can say the same for you." Cassy cleared his throat.
"I couldn't go."
Cassy knew that wasn't literally speaking. He knew it was a choice Alex had made.
"Neither could I."
"Why?"
"There's this thing that happened that I should tell you about. Which is probably why I'm here?"
"You slept with Roxanne. I know."
"How?" There was a baffled look on his face.
"Do I look stupid Cassy? Do you really think I don't know you by now?"
"Did she tell you?"
Alex just looked at him. "She didn't have to. It's just something I figured you'd do. It's something I'd figured you'd both do."
"Fuck man, when are you ever going to give me the chance to apologize properly?"
"Cassy there's a pattern with you. You shouldn't have to apologize to the same person more than once. Hell, if you don't mean it, you shouldn't have to apologize at all."
"Well this time I am sorry. I wasn't thinking really. She wanted us to fuck in hopes I'd go with her to the prom. And since she thought you'd be there, you'd get jealous and give her the attention she wanted. I fucked her because I was angry at you for having something I don't. So I thought if I slept with her, something you once possessed, I'd feel better."
"Do you feel better?" Alex asked directly but he was actually curious.
"At the time I felt great. The worst part is that I almost did ask her to the prom just to prove a fucking point. Mostly just so that she'd get off my case."
"It wouldn't have hurt me if you did. You two are a lot a like and it just would never work. Too much sass, too much anger. Not to mention you guys have similar agendas which is to make people feel like shit so that you guys feel a lot better about yourselves. "
"Thanks for comparing me to her."
"You're welcome. Anything else?"
Cassy stood up and sighed. "I don't even know why you deal with it. How can you be this calm? It's fucking annoying Alex!"
"We all make mistakes." The blonde replied softly, with a personal regret tearing in the back of his throat.
"Alex, don't play that forgiving shit with me."
"Well what do you want from this? Things don't change and unless you can go back in time, you can't fix what's been done. What you did, you really didn't do to hurt me. You did it to make yourself feel better. If your intentions were flipped maybe I might punch you in your mouth repeatedly and watch you choke on your own blood but you fucked Roxanne not because you wanted to teach me a lesson or hurt me."
"I think you're wrong. When I walked up to her front door, all I was thinking about was hurting you." Cassy stated seriously.
"If you wanted to hurt me you would have. If you wanted to hurt me you wouldn't be here right now trying to get me to be furious at you for what you've done. You did it because you wanted to feel something. You probably wanted to feel how it's like to be intimate, to be close to someone. Unfortunately you put your dick in the wrong person and you sought intimacy with the wrong person. It happens. I don't blame you; you were at the right place at the right time. I'm not going to hold it against you. I've done stupid shit too."
"Like counting stars? That's fucking stupid."
"Yea Cass, like counting stars." Alex chuckled.
Cassy shook his head. "Only you Alex." He put out his light. "Why aren't you there?"
"Because I wasn't planning on being there all night. I had something to do and then I was just going to leave. So I figured why go at all. What about you?"
"To be honest I didn't want to go. It's not my thing. Dancing, romance, annoying fucking people. Stupid ass music. Yea, I'll pass."
"So what are you gonna do. I doubt home is the place for you right now." Alex knew Cassy's dad wasn't the best father around and knew that was the last place Cassy was welcomed.
"Right now I'm crashing with Cleitus. You know I almost killed him, my dad. I waited until he was sleeping, snuck back in the house and had a knife right at his neck. I thought about doing it. I thought really hard. The sick bastard looked happy snoring his fucking ass off, probably dreaming about me failing in life. Then I just left. I didn't have the guts to kill him with mom sleeping right next to him, even though sometimes I wish she was dead too. But she'd miss him. He'd miss her. How fucking compassionate of me. I think I hate my dad enough to kill him without remorse. I think I'm just waiting until he really slips up so that when it does happen I have a reason."
Alex nodded in understanding. "You know how many times I wanted to kill my dad? A lot. But I knew it was never going to happen because I don't hate him enough. I can understand the hate you have for yours. My dad and I fight but we kinda understand each other. He knows he'll never get away with abusing me without me fucking him up right back. Sometimes I fuck him up so bad, I feel like an asshole afterwards. Then sometimes I push it far enough until he beats my ass until I feel relieved. He's pretty strong for an older guy with back problems, knee problems… drinking problems. Any other problem you can name."
"Yea, your dad's not to bad."
Cassy watched Alex stare back up in the sky. "Hey, I'll leave you alone okay so you can finish doing weird shit with the stars." Then he turned and started to walk.
Alex let out a deep breath. "If you want him all, Cassy, you can have him all. My feelings for him may or may not change but if I know he's better off than I'm okay. You have no idea how hard it is for me right now giving up something I strongly adore. No one has a fucking idea how much I'm truly freaking out inside at this very moment. I don't know what's going to happen. I've made bad choices in my life and this is possibly one of them. But I need you to understand how important he is to me and that I'm giving you something so much more than I deserve. After so long I finally found him but I will not allow him to be lost or stolen after I fade away. I think Phai's always liked you. I think he sees more potential in you, and if you end up together I will understand. There's that part of me that's screaming silently, drowning in tears. He's on his knees and he's fucking angry at me for letting go of something that's so dear to him. When you said that I didn't deserve him, you were right. I never knew about your feelings towards him because I was too worried about mine. I'm sorry. I had no idea and now I'm paying for it.
It was true. The more I focused on Phai, my world began to crash. I just needed to let him go and stop worrying about what could have been.
"I need someone there for him and I trust you to take care of him, if he allows it. But it's Phai and it's going to take him a long time to heal from what's going to happen. So if you can, wait long enough for him to come around."
"What about you?"
"I'll get by."
/
The party is wild. Insults are being shouted as drunken men gather. The king watches from his throne as his drunk blue eyed general kisses one of his other generals Cassander on the mouth before digging back into his cup. Alexander grows furious at the sight but says nothing. He does nothing. His mouth is behind a wine cup and he drinks it faster than it was poured. He looks back on all the times he kissed the slave boy and many women infront of his Phai and that somewhat tamed his thoughts but it wasn't enough for he was too far into a drunken stage. He stood from his throne, stumbling a bit as he left the party.
\
Cassy chuckled in disbelief. He rubbed his face in frustration. "He's going to hate you Alex and he's going to hate me even more. What the fuck are you even thinking?"
Alex's eyes brightened up after his memory faded and he looked up at Cassy. "I don't know."
Phai was standing by himself with a cup of punch in his hand as his prom date was off giggling and chatting with some of the other senior girls. He looked around at everybody having a good time, his invaluable eyes grasping their happiness. Cleitus was off making out with two random hot girls after spiking their drinks. Tolem looked blissful with Thais as the couple danced sweetly to one of the slow songs playing at the moment. Crater and Phil were laughing it up at the table along with their dates. Even Roxanne looked like she was having a better time than he was. His gaze slipped to the doorway then back.
Leon walked up to him, seeing that he needed to be cheered up from where he and the others sat. "I would tell you to have fun, but I'm sure you already heard it from somebody else?"
The browned haired teens lips curved in a tiny smile of apology. "I don't mean to be uninterested, I just don't exactly know what am I doing here if I'm not having fun?"
"Well go dance with your date." Leon suggested.
He shook his head. "No I think I'm good. She's way to into me."
"And that's a bad thing?"
"Well, I told her I was not into her. And she got mad and left to go talk with the other girls. No doubt talking shit about how lousy her date is."
"Which explains why she's suddenly in a laughing mood and why they're looking over here?" Leon asked with a small grin.
"Yea."
"You're not lousy Phai." Leon said sympathetically. "However, that was bad timing to tell a girl that you're not into her on her first and only prom."
Phai half smiled. "Yea, I thought about that after."
"But you're not lousy."
"I didn't even put on the tie my dad offered to tie or me because I hate the way it feels around my neck. All I had to do was wear it for one night. That's pretty lousy."
Leon sighed. "Well the bow tie looks much better anyway."
"Thanks Leon."
He patted Phai on the shoulder, told him to go enjoy himself while time remained, then took off to go find his date.
Phai stood there in the same spot for a couple of more minutes before he just finally got fed up. He couldn't tell if he was just envious because everyone else was having a good time, if he really just didn't want to be there because he found it stupid and boring, if he wanted to leave because of the annoying tittering mass of girls and boys or if he was mad that Alex wasn't there at all, but it didn't matter anymore. He took a deep breath and put his drink on a table somewhere then walked over to where Tolem and Thais were, politely interrupting their dance.
"Tolem I'm going to step out."
"What? Why?" The curled haired teen reacted in worrisome.
"I just don't feel like being here right now."
"Are you going outside? It's storming out." Tolem responded in complete disapproval.
"I was actually going to walk home. Like take off."
"WHAT?! Are you mad? It's raining and you came in a limo. You're not walking home or taking the bus this late."
"Seriously at this point I don't really care. Also their is a bullshit amount of emphasis on social prestige here."
"What the hell Phai?!" Tolem struggled to keep his voice low.
"I don't feel like explaining it right now. I'll call you later. Sorry." He moved his way back out of the crowded dance floor. He was glad that Thais kept Tolem from following him because he really just didn't want to be there anymore.
I knew that I was the root of the problem. So I had to go.
Alex walked through the doors of the room where the prom was taking place. Every head in the room turned. The blonde was soaking wet from the heavy rain outside but he did have the decency to put on a suit and tie. He leisurely moved through the crowd of dancers and lovers causing everyone to stop what they were there to do watching him with weird and surprised stares. Because they weren't expecting him to show. Because he was drenched. Because he was entirely too gorgeous. They were looking at him for all kinds of reasons but mostly wondering why he decided to make an appearance now. He looked like he had a purpose but he paid them no attention as he only sought out one, not realizing that he was the center of everyone's ongoing attention. The teachers who had stuck around to help chaperone also watched at the blonde teen curiously. Roxanne studied his movements most of all, as her dark eyes peered upon him.
"Phai." Alex called out delicately, stopping the brunette right before he was able to push open the exit door.
Phai's eyes rose, then he quickly turned around not expecting to be staring back at Alex. He looked at him anxiously.
"You look beautiful." Alex said smiling lightly.
The brunettes throat was tight taking him a moment longer to speak. And even then he couldn't. But he knew 'it' was coming the minute Alex came up to him, cupped the back of his head and kissed him deeply. Mouths instantly fell open and their were whispers, intakes of breath and talk all throughout the room and every expression in the room were suddenly protracted. Alex's friends couldn't believe it. The teachers couldn't believe it. The students couldn't believe it. And there was an extensive spark of displeasure and astonishment from Roxanne. And the entire room was silenced at the sight. But all Alex knew and all he cared about was the person he had held against him. Everyone else became useless background music.
Phai didn't know when he had returned the kiss but when he did he found himself desperately needing it. It was all he wanted. There was nothing to hide between them anymore. Phai knew that this was going to be his last kiss in a long time. He knew this was Alex's version of a breakup and Alex knew this was the only way he was able to do it.
Alex then wrapped his arms tightly but gently around Phai giving him a goodbye hug. Phai could feel that Alex was sorry so he hugged him back.
"I need to know something." Phai whispered.
"Yea. Anything." Alex responded softly.
"How long did you realize you needed this?"
Alex blinked heavily hesitating only briefly. "A couple of years."
Phai sadly smiled against the blondes warm cheek. "I'll make it easier for you so that you don't have to say it. Are you ready?"
Alex nodded. "I'm ready."
"Alex, I think you should go another way, while I go mine. I know you need this. So this is me breaking up with you instead, okay?"
"I'm sorry. This breakup has been the longest breakup I think ever and I'm such an asshole for it."
"It's okay." Phai was twirling a strand of blond hair watching it as it curled even more around his finger. "I realized long ago what you needed. I know what you're running from. It's not from me. It's not even from your dreams. You're running from yourself. I knew you were trying to end it with me I just didn't want to believe it but when I did believe it I was just waiting for you to end it as quickly as possible but it was selfish of me to think that you could have when you couldn't. You didn't know how. We broke up a long time ago and we didn't even know it. And even though that's what you came here for the only way I wanted to actually be here, is if you were here and now you're here. I'm glad you showed up. And now I guess you have to do what you think is best for you. And I have to be strong about it. I just wish you weren't in such a hurry, that's all. I'm gonna miss you Alex."
Alex was mindlessly staring off, watching the flashing lights on the ceiling through his blurred eyes. They looked like stars. "I'm gonna miss you too Phai."
It wasn't until I felt the wet ground beneath my knees, that I discovered that I did have a goal. That all this running wasn't for nothing. I wanted to see how far I could run until my eyes shut. I thought if I ran enough I would tire myself out and sleep would finally draw near. I stayed hopeful just awhile longer as I was on my knees, thinking that I was able to fall unconscious if my body was willing. Maybe after I do, I can wake up and discover that everything was just a dream. That letting go of the only one I ever really loved was not real. Because the real Alexander would have never stopped following his dreams. He would have refused so.
This is why this has to be a dream. This is why this can't be real.
The blonde falls to the ground. He is finally out of breath. His body can't handle anymore running. He turns onto his back and stares straight up. The clouds looked like they were dropping. The stars were dancing but it was the moon that caught his attention venturing in its beauty. His breathing is heavy and vigorous. His legs throbbing. His heart pumping. The moon looks right back down at him. Leaves are tangled in his hair, filth pasted onto his skin and clothes. The night sky becomes soothing and his breathing steadily softens. He's still awake. The gods have no desire to let him sleep. In fact he's alive as ever. The moon smiles brightly and the blonde blinks coming to realization…that time does exist and there was no manipulating its natural function. There was no escaping the present. Even when he's not having the memories, the visions of the life he strongly feels he has lived, he still hear Phai's voice and sees his face, and every time he does, he feels like he's home. And as long as the moon continues to shine and as long as it whispers softly back to him every time he speaks to it, he will always be reminded of Phai. There was no escaping him. Ever.
So he smiled sadly back at the large celestial body, watching it run its regular cycle of phases and refused to move from where he fell continuing to lay there through out the entire night.
If I ever do manage to sleep, I don't wish to dream. I've done enough dreaming awake. And I'm sick of these no ends and these no beginnings and if I don't dream, there will be no end or beginning. Until then the infection inside me continues to dance lazily across my empty wounds, exposing my ruins, exposing a new chapter in my life...a new beginning with no end.
I don't even know what to say. I don't even know if anyone is still out there. It's been almost a year since I've updated any of my stories which I didn't plan by the way. I miss you guys and I hope you're all still here somewhere. The patience is much appreciated and I apologize greatly for the wait. I can't even express my apologies. All I can do is hope you guys haven't forgot. Anyway if you're reading this story still, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!