Eyes that see into Infinity
Part Three
Chapter Thirty One
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This idea of 'living another day' is making me feel like I've been living for so long. Like I'm being beat to death and nothing else. And the only thing I feel is just this repetition of pain and exhaustion.
Everyday people survive another day and suddenly they seem to think they can survive forever. It's an arrogant way to think but unfortunately it's the one thing that's natural about us. We're arrogant. In every sense of the word. We live this life where living day to day is often difficult but there is nothing easier than losing focus of a time we won't be living at all. We're not the kindest liars to ourselves either. Looking forward to the future as if we know exactly how our lives are going to turn out, or how we're going to be. As if we're in control of our destiny. As if we're in control of ourselves...
We're told to believe in our dreams, to follow them, to embrace them and that if you believe in them enough, they will come true, but what they don't tell you is that the dream is what kills you. I used to be the biggest dreamer in the world. And as a result I lost everything that was mine. Dreaming has us convinced that we know our path in life. When in reality we don't know where we're going or what to do. We can't see a damn thing. We can't even see the bullet that we're walking straight for. We're pretty much looking forward to a wound from a blast we may or may not survive. But we don't care about that yet because we won't feel it instantaneously like we should. Maybe that's why we try to forget about death. We live what we can live.
I'm not one to be cynical but things were different for me. My future was my past. I could see. I could see into infinity...Imagine. Seeing that far into an endless amount of time. I could see the bullet coming right at me. I didn't have the option to forget about death. I wasn't even allowed the option to move. It was up to the bullet to miss. So now I'm stuck. Left for dead. Drowning. With only seconds to live. Continuing to dream these dreams that are intent on killing me.
I continue to wait silent in this room of emptiness. Silent in this extensive dream...this dream that may or may not end.
Phai slowly rolled onto his back, his unlit glacial eyes opening as he awoke from his sleep. As he awoke from an eerie dream. He wasn't one to remember them but this one stood out from the rest of the visions that pass through his head furtively at night. For some reason though, this dream was persistent. Like it needed Phai to know something. Or for him to make a decision about where his life was heading. But he realized a very long time ago that anything concerning Alex was almost impossible to filter.
He blinked, as he relived it once more in his head.
Phai had told me about this dream during a time he felt he needed to confess and share a lot of stuff with me that I never knew about him or myself. It was a time we hadn't shared in a long time. His voice was new. His face was new. Everything was new about him. But when we did finally sit down and talk , we started to recognize ourselves again. We talked about everything. Everything that ruined us, everything that gave us joy, everything that we've been through. Everything that we dreamt. And like I said, this particular dream had stayed with Phai for a long time because it said so much about us and how we felt about each other but also how we pushed each other away... and how we should never live another day like that again.
This is how I remember it...
There was this maze. A bright maze that couldn't be described in good detail. Just tall white walls standing a hundred feet tall leading up to a sky as black as death, while the floor was covered in a current of fog. Phai could remember the clothes he was wearing, a white button up dress shirt and light blue jeans. He had turned many corners to the labyrinth following a figure with his back turned to him. The man had blonde hair which couldn't have been anyone other than myself. Phai smiled. I could always brighten his day even if it was just the back of me he saw. Even if I was just a figment of his imagination...
He started to feel a little anxious and called out my name taking a few more steps hoping that I would stop and face him. But instead of paying him any attention I strode forward. Phai shouted again towards me but he couldn't hear himself this time so he kept following me and shouting out in confusion and irritation because I wouldn't stop or react. So he kept chasing me to keep up. But it didn't matter how fast he was going, he wasn't able to reach me. But I appeared to be leading him somewhere, leading us both through the maze as if I knew a way out. As if I've been through it before. The pursue happened until Phai was finally able to catch up to me; but he had caught me at a dead end. I was standing at the edge of an abyss, a precipice, that would lead us to nowhere it looked like. Just off the edge through more haze. Nothing could be seen through it, so much like my current life right now. I finally turn and face my friend. He described me with a sick sense of sadness in my eyes. Destructive body language. Expressing peculiar detachment. Like a fire that I hadn't started yet.
'Alex, come with me." Phai says, reaching out. Pleading for my cooperation.
But I shake my head and he gives me a questioning frown. 'Phai, I can't go with you. I can't go anywhere. Just open your eyes. This is just a bad dream.' I said to him...
And it was. But that's not all it was. It was what we had made our life to be. It was real.
Phai found himself standing there on his own again as he watched for a few seconds the love of his life disappearing again, down the foggy cliff. He felt his body drop as if he was the one falling in replace of Alex. And that's what woke him up. That feeling of dead weight. It didn't cause him to gasp or breathe heavy like awakening from a nightmare. It just made him open his eyes into a dismal silence.
He sighed sinking deeper into his covers but a little less distracted this time finally recognizing that it was the middle of the day. He flung his arm quickly over his face blocking his eyes from the flush of sun light as he remembered to greet the morning with a deep breath. His eyes were screwing shut again. But it didn't last long. He had a lot on his mind, it racing back and forth relentlessly. The feeling was like waking up after a very lengthy and exhausting mission of some sort. A mission that really didn't make sense. Therefore he wasn't ready to leave his bed. Hell, he wasn't even ready to leave his room. As always he was torturing himself, giving this Alex situation too much thought. About what they had spoken about the night before. About being just friends. About the dream. About everything.
The young teen removed his hand from his face and stared at his bedroom ceiling. He looked angry. His eyes tainted by the events of his dream and how it connected to his current situation. Alex distancing himself. Maybe the dream was trying to warn him; How being around Alex could be difficult but loving Alex was even harder. Maybe life was testing him instead.
It didn't hit him until the end of it though... Alex was no longer his. He was now face to face with the realization of it all. He knew that he would have to hurt silently for awhile even if Alex played a crucial part to his happiness. But they both made it clear and if it were a written contract, they had both signed it. He didn't know if that was something they can turn back from. So now there was this different feeling, this negative vibe knowing that he and Alex were probably never going to be the same to each other again. He always looked forward to waking up because everything was better that way. Now everything felt off.
He rubbed his face frustratingly before finding the energy to lean himself up from the bed. A hanging mess of brown thick hair drooped from his neck and shoulders. He stared at the floor for a second then blinked again. He thought about the blonde again for another few minutes while trying to find the need to start the day. He couldn't help it. It was in his nature to care about him. To love him unconditionally despite Alex being deceived by his own flaws and misdirected by his own desires.
"Phai!"
And the last remnants of his dream faded for what would probably be a short period of time after hearing his sister shouting at his door, sounding very bothered about something.
He fell back on to his bed groaning lightly.
"Phai!" Then she started knocking over and over.
"Go away Callista!" He whined. He wasn't expecting to hear her so soon which was funny because he's been living with his good-natured sister for most of his life and it's always been the same outcome. It didn't help that he also just woke up from a half-assed decent slumber.
"I need to do my laundry, so if you could get your crap out of the washer, that would be great!"
He quickly leaned up again rubbing the sleep from his eyes and removing himself from the bedside. He reached for a t shirt from the floor and put it on as he walked slowly towards the door. Then he opened the door, glaring at his very unbearable sister who was grinning right back at him.
"So much obnoxiousness, so early Callista? Really?" His voice was muffled and grungy.
She grinned even wider. "What's up with the bed head? It's like 12 in the afternoon."
"It's called sleeping in." He commented with a yawn.
She quirked her head as she lifted a suspicious brow at her brother. "It's called depression. I think mom would call it depression. She knows about that stuff. You should see her, make an appointment?"
Phai sighed at her sarcasm. Maybe it was depression, he pondered. Or maybe it was him angry that Alex was unintentionally forcing him to live this life of content when in reality he should either be happy or miserable. No in between. "It's called go away. I'll do it later."
"I have to be somewhere later."
"With who, your imaginary friends?" He muttered.
"Actually, my real friends this time." She smiled proudly.
The boy looked to be falling asleep at the door. "Give me 15 minutes."
"I need you to do it now." She emphasized impatiently. "You think I want to be here at your door telling my older brother to keep up with his laundry? Must I be the only adult in this house?"
"You think I want to hear your annoying voice everyday at my door for stupid shit? 'Phai, make me breakfast! Phai there's an alien in my closet! Phai, there's a dinosaur outside! He mimicked her.
"You made me breakfast though." She chuckled.
He glared. Not understanding how his sister could be so innocent and happy in her own reality. Maybe that's what irked him about her. That she was happy and because she wasn't haunted by unwanted feelings like he was. "So why couldn't you just put my clothes in the dryer so that you could start yours?"
"Because you're home to do it." She gave him another big smile.
"But wouldn't it have been much easier than bothering me about it?"
She shrugged unmoved by that logic. "Probably."
He sighed once more, but this time heavier. He shook his head as he walked out his room pushing her aside by her face and heading down the stairs to the laundry room.
She skipped after him not allowing his tired grumpiness to affect her mood in anyway. She was going to have a good day. If only her brother would apply that same hype to his everyday life.
She hopped on top of the dryer and brought up her legs to cross, letting him open the door to the machine. He started to remove his laundry, stuffing it in the dryer.
"So what's with all this gloom lately?"
"I just woke up Callista. I'm in no mood to be doing laundry right now or voicing anymore of my reluctance."
"Should I invite Alex over to make you feel better?" It was an innocent request. She had no idea about their relationship, just their friendship, but she was aware how Phai acted around him. He was much more happy. Much less aggravated.
He looked at her wordlessly and the thought of Alex, or her even mentioning him seemed to slow down his time as he stopped what he was doing.
Callista glanced confused as she waited for her brother to reply. "So that would be a yes, a no?"
He quickly snapped out of it, just shook his head a little and turned back to the laundry. He reached behind her, started up the Dryer and then went back up the stairs, not saying a word. She just sighed and hopped off the dryer starting her load.
After getting dressed into some torn up jeans, a plain v neck t-shirt and his blue converse shoes, Phai headed straight to the kitchen and sat with his head down.
His father was reading a newspaper at the table while drinking his orange juice. He put the paper down and looked at his son who wasn't giving off a very lively vibe. Tired still?" He was surprised. Phai had almost slept the whole day.
Phai moaned and peeked up at his father. "Sure. I guess."
"I made coffee. If you're tired drink some. This is definitely the time of day you're supposed to have some kind of energy. Any kind of energy, really."
"Thanks but I'm not in the mood for coffee."
"What are you in the mood for?"
Phai just shook his head and leaned his head back down on the table. "Nothing."
"So basically you are in the mood to remain forever sleepy. Gotcha." Amyntor then leaned over and gently swapped his son in the head with the paper he was reading an done with. "You should do something with that hair before you decide to do anything today."
"I won't be doing anything today." Phai admitted strongly. Almost proudly.
Amyntor grinned standing from the table to go wash his glass. "If you don't get out of this house, I'll find you something to do."
Phai just grumbled something under his breath and his father rolled his eyes at his moodiness. "There is some leftover French toast from breakfast if you want that."
"I'm not that hungry. Thanks though."
"Suit yourself." He shrugged.
Then Callista came jumping down the stairs strolling into the kitchen with a good vibe. Opposite of her brother and Amyntor was semi relieved. He wouldn't be able to handle two murky teenagers. "Dad can I have coffee if you and Phai don't drink it?"
"Callista what did I tell you about jumping off the steps?"
"You told me it's dangerous and that I can break my neck if I fall."
"Also I told you to stop doing it. And no, you can't have coffee. It makes you very hyper. We learned the hard way."
She rolled her eyes and walked over to the pantry searching for a quick snack. "I'm going over to a friends today by the way." She told her father.
"That's fine. What time?"
"It would have been earlier but Phai didn't do his laundry on time so it put me back a couple of hours. So pretty much whenever my laundry is done."
For some reason Phai thought that was funny. And just laughed with his head still down.
"Just be safe and leave me your friends phone number, name and address incase I need to get a hold of you." Amyntor said casually. Which bothered her. Every time she wanted to go out, her father had to interfere somehow with his safety rules like he didn't trust her or something. He was always suspicious of her friends the same way he was with all of Phai's friends but he wasn't as firm on Phai when it came to him wanting to go out.
"Are you serious dad? I have my own phone you know."
"Dead serious. And it's just incase you lose your phone or something happens to it." He explained caringly, kissing her on the head and then going back to his seat.
"You weren't like this whenever Phai wanted to go out with his friends."
"I don't even have friends which makes your argument invalid Callista." Phai said finally leaning up from the table.
"You went to that club and dad was okay with it."
"Probably because I was old enough."
"My point is he wasn't even strict about it, him or mom. Not to mention it was your very first club. I didn't see him having you write a full essay on your friends and where you were heading."
"Kids knock it off." -
"Maybe because I'm older and more mature and pick my friends wisely. Your friends are the same slutty, bitchy girls who used to bully you. What are you guys trying to do anyway, reenact Mean Girls?"
"Phai!" - His kids bickered often but is was never something serious.
"They're actually really cool to be around."
"Oh yea? Well then I probably shouldn't mention the part when they're eventually going to want you to start dressing like them. Then sooner or later you'll become them. You really think they're your friends Callista? Fuck no. They just need another slut in their group."
"Phai! what did I tell you about your language?" His father quickly and strictly told him. He didn't know where his sudden anger came from and he was actually appalled. Horrified really.
"To not use it around my darling little sister." The heated teen replied in annoyance. He shouldn't have to explain why he was angry. But he knew first hand what it was like to be taken advantage of. In a way he was so good at making the right choice that everyone else who made the wrong choice pissed him off enough for him to ridicule. He didn't mean to be that way but he couldn't forget the times he was molested by boys and bullied by girls. Or ridiculed by both. Usually his memories wouldn't surface unless something else was on his mind. He didn't know what triggered him to go off like that.
"That's right. Stop calling her friends names. Also when you're feeling a little more awake can you please take out the trash?" Amyntor said as if it was a punishment.
"That's what you get asshole." Callista mumbled.
"Callista, stop. And don't forget to leave me that number before you head out."
Both Callista and Phai groaned. Callista put down the cereal box and walked to the office room to grab a paper to write down the number for her overprotective father and Phai scooted his chair away from the table, got up, snatched the kitchen trashcan and headed for the front yard to put it in the bin.
Phai lazily dragged the garbage out and when he started to head back inside, before he even reached the driveway he heard a scruffy man voice shouting at him.
"Hey kid. You busy?!"
Phai stopped and looked over at Phillip surprised that he was calling him. Even more surprised that he was out of his cave looking semi active. He was usually a recluse. A recluse who came out in the middle of the night drunk as fuck banging on his door trying to fight his dad because their sons were gay...But that's besides the point.
"Uh, I guess not really?" He frowned because he should have just said 'yes'.
"I'm moving things around and Alex is out with his mother. I was wondering if you could lend me a hand. It's not easy anymore doing it by myself."
Phai lifted a distasteful brow. Mainly at what seemed like a sudden change of heart. I guess the change in him was actually a positive thing. "Uh, sure."
He couldn't tell what he thought of Phillip yet. All he knew about him was that he was abrasive and the father of Alex. And an alcoholic. But that's all he knew.
"So what are you rearranging for?" Phai asked as he stepped into the house he was surprised he still recognized. "Are you having guests over or something?" He was never the best at small talk because when he tried it he sounded visibly uninterested.
"Just wanted to change it up. Make more room. I don't like the current situating. It's a little too traditional. It's just a couple of things, not much work."
Phai nodded and helped with the couches first.
"So you talk to Alex at all today?" Phai was suspicious of this casual talk. Not to long ago this man was hoping he and Alex would never talk again.
"No. In fact we talk less and less. Which I'm sure most people are happy with." Phai just spoke. He didn't really think. But he also didn't care.
"You don't strike me as someone who cares what other people are happy or not happy with." After they moved the couches Phillip turned off the television. Unplugging everything, preparing to move it.
"Alex is a pretty much a celebrity among his friends and I've been hogging him. I'd hate me too." Phai hardly looked up at him. He seemed shy but not shy at all. His expressions were timid but his mouth wasn't.
Phillip looked at the kid like he was weird. "Well, Alex may sometimes act like an extrovert but he's an introvert at heart. Believe it or not. I think he hates being the center of attention. Or maybe he loves it. Who knows."
"Whatever he is I'm used to it now." Phai shrugged acting like he didn't care. "I'm sure everyone is."
"You'd think he'd get bored of himself already. Always taking off by himself. He's not that interesting." Phillip declared lightly.
"Or maybe solitude is his best friend."
Phillip scoffed resting an elbow on the TV. He scanned the kid actually surprised they hadn't really talked before this. It was just one time and that was awkward because he was drunk and it was the same day he caught him and his son having sex in his house. "Believe me kid, no one likes to be lonely. And if they say they do, they have something to hide."
"Sometimes you have no choice. And sometimes the loneliest you is the best you." It was like he was trying to mentally reason with Alex. Or even understand him.
"The only time a man wants to be alone is if he's jacking off or watching the game." Phillip grinned at the boy. "And believe me, Alex is doing neither one of those two. Which is why he's hiding something."
"As long as he's self aware I guess." Phai smiled a bit. He actually found it easy to talk to Phillip. Maybe because the man didn't drink today.
"I remember always needing to be the center of attention, you know? Everybody always crowded me. I was adored. People treated me like a king. Of course those were my younger days when I wasn't a…"
"An ass?" Phai said with an offensive smile in his eye but nothing to be shown in his face.
Phillip glanced towards the boy again. He knew Phai wasn't going to restrain himself or hold back. The worst had already happened. He was no longer intimidated by Phillip. He had no reason to be. "Sure. Let's call it that?"
"Were you just as shy as Alex when you were younger?" Phai asked after moving the TV where Phillip wanted it. He couldn't imagine Phillip being shy like Alex. There was just nothing shy about Phillip. In fact the man was very shameless.
Phillip thought about it, then nodded. "Yep. As I remember it. You'd be surprised at how quickly I changed though. I wasn't as shy but still enough to where people compare us. Alex though, he's always been popular even through his withdrawn days. His name would sound and faces would light up but... uh, he didn't grow balls until he met you. In a way I can't thank you for that. He's talked back to me more than I can count because of his new found confidence he has. It took him long enough to find it."
"Well I would apologize for your son's behavior. But any confidence he found he got it from himself. Or from his other loudmouthed friends."
Phillip confidently shook his head. "This is a… uh, different kind of confidence. One you don't get from loudmouthed friends." He cleared his throat noticing how much Phai resembled his father. His voice, his strict but calm look on his face. Their eyes were different in color and shape but they held the same thing. "Your father would probably be pretty mad if he found out you were over here helping me. I should have thought of that before I called you over. Here." He handed him a twenty dollar bill.
Phai looked at the money. It was unnecessary. He didn't need it. He didn't want it but Phillip made sure he took it anyway. "Why would he be angered?"
"We've clashed before. We've had our disagreements. I might have said some things to him that he didn't appreciate."
"Does he have a right to be angry?" Phai looked up at him. The father of Alex. The first time that day, he actually really looked at him.
Phillip nodded. "Absolutely."
"He doesn't stay angered for long so I think you're good. And if he asks I'll tell him you behaved yourself."
Phillip chuckled. Respecting that he could talk to Phai like an adult because the boy responded as one. It was like talking to kid's dad but without the high tension. "Good kid."
Phai was about to leave but paused. He turned to the older man. "I'm pretty sure I'm walking into dangerous territory right now asking what I'm about to ask, but why do you hate that Alex likes me?"
The older man hesitantly spoke. "I guess naturally I should but I don't hate that he likes you. Nothing was ever great between the two of us but I don't hate him for being him. If that makes sense. I guess I'm just over it." Phillip lit up a cigarette.
"My dad is not even over it but he's trying to be. And I could see that you're trying to be too. So thanks for that."
"I suppose someone in your life has to accept it."
"It's always the one person you want the most to accept who you are, who always end up the most disappointed." The browned haired teen stated.
Phillip glanced forward. "She loves Alex. Both your parents love Alex. If she loved you she'd take that into consideration." He knew right away that Phai was speaking about his mother. Because Alex felt the same way about his own mom. Their opinions meant much more to the boys for some reason. They'd argue with their fathers all day about it but it's their mothers who would have the final heartbreak.
"I've learned that it's very possible to stop loving someone." Phai said as if those words were a cue.
Phillip couldn't disagree with that. There was this intelligent intimidation in the boy that he actually found impressive. "Look, I know I haven't been great about it. But Alex is all that I have. Yes, things haven't been normal between us and I take complete responsibility for that. It's my fault that he hates me and my fault that we're no longer a family. But the thing is, we were never a happy family. I was never a happy man, my wife was never a happy woman and Alex was never a happy kid. We're just not happy people, you know? But I look at your family and you're happy. Things may not be going perfect in your life but you're a happy family. Your mom might not accept it but she'll always love you."
Phai nodded and turned back towards the door to leave but was stopped again by Phillip's next words. "Kid, are you happy?"
"I have no complaints. I have a good life, a good family. Maybe personally I'm not happy but overall I have it good. There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be happy."
"But you're not happy?"
"Even the happiest people aren't happy." He stated unfavorably.
"If Alex were happy, would you be happy?"
"If Alex was happy than a lot more people would be. Not just me."
"Callista? What are you doing?' Amyntor said in a deep tone as he walked over to his daughter who had his expensive binoculars while she looked out the window at something.
"Keep your voice down dad, I'm spying which means I need to concentrate."
He scoffed as he put his hands on his hips. "Weren't you supposed to leave?"
"My clothes aren't ready yet."
"Are you spying on the neighbor?" He frowned finding that extremely awkward.
"Yea. I saw Phai go over there. The grizzly bear looking man "aka" Alex's father waved him over for something. Now I'm on a mission to find out."
"Phai went over there? Just now?" He asked with a hint of irritation as he peeked out the window over at the other house.
"Would I be using your expensive binoculars looking at something that I'm not serious about? Get it together dad."
"Put those away." He snapped at her after seeing Phai leave the front door to Phillip's house.
"Two words. Drug deal." She said and slid off the couch to go put the binoculars where she found them.
Amyntor didn't look to happy and walked out to the front as Phai approached the house. "What was that about?" His dad asked seeming worked up about it.
"Alex's dad needed help moving some things. Some furniture."
"Alex isn't home?" Amyntor questioned.
"No dad. If he was home he wouldn't need me to help him."
"In the future try staying away from that guy, alright."
"Are you mad about it?"
"I don't want you going over there anymore."
"He was actually nice this time if that matters."
"But he wasn't okay with your last visit. And I certainly wasn't okay with his last visit here."
"I just helped out dad. Nothing happened. He didn't call me a faggot or anything if that's what you're thinking. And I got overpaid. 20 bucks." Then Phai walked back into the house.
Amyntor looked pissed. If possible he looked more genuinely angry than the last time he and Phillip had encountered each other.
"This is a nice little place. Kind of soothing." His mother sat with a cup of tea in her hand. She placed her clutch purse on her lap and blew gently at the warm steaming liquid.
"Yea, it's nice." Alex responded blandly.
"You don't like it?" She questioned kind of surprised. She was sure Alex would enjoy this secluded little sit down restaurant, as ordinary as it was.
"It's fine, mom." He seemed distracted, not completely but mentally he was definitely not in the moment.
"What is wrong honey?" Olympias asked with her usual concerned nature.
"Nothing." He answered shiftily. "Just tired."
"You do look tired. You still haven't been sleeping I see?"
He just shook his head. His eyes trailing off. In fact his body was beginning to betray him again.
"The prescription the doctors gave you wasn't working?"
"No." None of the medicine prescribed to him worked. They were useless to him. So he gave all of his pain meds, his sleeping pills, to Cleitus who was most likely going to sell it to pay his rent on time.
"Melatonin is highly recommended from doctors and it's something that's not over the counter bought and it's cheap. Also Sleepy Time tea does wonders for me."
"I've tried it all, mom." Alex stirred the ice in his beverage but had no intention on drinking it. He just stared at it. Watching the straw spinning in circles.
Olympias crossed one leg over the other staring at her unresponsive son. She sighed; discouraged."You seem less talkative."
"Have you ever known me to talk much?" He smiled a little.
"You talked. Just about things people didn't understand." There was a proud gleam in her eyes. "You were a little too philosophical. People think those types are weird… So have you thought about your future. College?"
Alex leaned back in his chair, his shoulders falling a little. "Mom you are only here for a few days. The last thing I want to do is discuss anything involving my future. How have things been for you?" He wasn't the slickest topic changer. "How's your dad?"
His mother pursed her lips, leaning in. Her hands entwined politely on the table. "Your future is important you know? It will determine your greatness one day."
"Greatness? Aren't your expectations a bit high for me?" He slightly chuckled. He wasn't great and he had no idea why so many people thought he was. It was something he just couldn't take seriously.
"Perhaps. But because I love you, I want to see you succeed in whatever it is you want to do." She smirked with a knowing expectation he seemed to lack. "And you can do anything you please."
He just shook his head lightly. "I'm not as impressive as you're hoping I be."
"Succession doesn't start with itself sweetie."
"We'll see." He knew he'd lose arguing with his mother about these type of things. Especially anything involving himself. She apparently knew him better than he knew himself. It was just a fight he was born to lose. "We'll see what happens."
She took a sip from her cup once more, watching her son intensively with her dark eyes. "Don't allow yourself to be blinded Alex. Especially around those creatures you call friends. They discourage you. You don't realize it, but they do."
He met her eyes for that moment. He couldn't tell if he was upset that she felt that way or just annoyed in general from the second she brought up success. "How?"
"They're low lives Alex, no future awaiting them whatsoever. They are all bad for you."
He was actually shocked, with nothing to say to that. And this somehow meant that she could continue.
"Cleitus for starters. He enters the house uninvited all the time and Phillip and him act like best friends. And if your friends with Phillip you already have no life. Roxanne looks like a cheap whore, Tolem has no backbone and I find that slick looking boy suspicious. He's always wandering."
Alex knew she was talking about Cassy. "He doesn't have a place to go where he is welcomed. In a way he's kind of homeless."
"Hun all I ask is that you focus on more important things. Things that will fulfill you." She sounded less accusing and more shrewd. But he wasn't going to act oblivious to her judgmental tone of voice.
"If I worry about that stuff, it will kill me." He blinked wishing his mother knew everything that was killing him, including herself. "So I don't. I try to stay content."
She released a firm breath. "You can't just be content. You have to be driven."
The blonde teen looked down from her and at the glass he hadn't even touched. "That doesn't sound like me. Not at all."
Olympias crossed her arms, glaring strongly at her son. There was an offensive look in her eyes but also implication. "Alex when I gave birth to you, it was one of my most painful experiences. I struggled during labor. I never once thought that the struggle meant that you'd be a problem child. No, I knew right away that you were a gift. When I held you for the first time, I saw a greatness in you, a stubbornness, I saw ambition. The pain I felt that day told me everything I needed to know about my baby boy. You have no idea what life has in store for you Alex. You're going to succeed in ways most could never dream. You may not know it but the rest of the world does." He couldn't tell if his mother was crazy or just passionate. Maybe both.
After all of that he just shrugged. "I can't wait to share my success story when it happens, mother. You'll be the first to know."
"You'll surprise yourself one day Alex." She was not tolerating his scorn. "You laugh at it now but wait."
"Nothing surprises me anymore." He said as if he was in a deeper conversation with himself.
"It sounds like you have yourself a problem then. And no one is going to solve it but you."
He sighed effortlessly. Talking to his mother was like trying to balance a pen on his head and work at the same time. It was impossible. "Sure."
She took that answer as a sign that he was ready to leave.. that and his lack of effort to even eat or drink something the whole time they were there. She sighed and opened her purse for her wallet.
Alex looked at her. "Are you disappointed?"
"I am a lot of things Alex. But I'm not disappointed. But I do want to know when your heart became so filled with nothing?" She pulled out her credit card, stood, and went to go checkout leaving her son to sit there with his own doubts.
My mother used to tell me that being "Great" was my birthright. And with greatness comes sacrifice. And with sacrifice comes loneliness. She failed to mention that greatness is what pain is all about. I didn't care about the legacy I was leaving behind. I cared about the moment. Until the moment kept me still.
"You should have seen him today. He's not the Alex I remember. He was totally uninterested and losing focus of everything we talked about." Olympias paced vigorously across the kitchen.
"Alex is pretty much an adult now. You knew the boy, not the man." Phillip simplified.
She stopped and glanced up at him, with her arched eyebrows indicating how bothered she was at Phillip's non helpful response. "Even a mother should still recognize her child. I don't recognize him at all. There is this moody control to him. Like he has this need to ruin himself. This need to fail."
"Why did you think that it was a good idea to take him to a junk yard anyway?" Phillip said shutting the window above the kitchen sink.
"He needed to release his anger in a healthy way. It's what he wanted." Olympias fixed him a hard stare as she leaned with her arms folded, against the island in the kitchen. "I don't know or even understand why you're still upset about that." She shook her head as if it was ludicrous.
"What he really needs is to mellow the fuck out." Phillip suggested assertively as he now flipped through a fat stack of mail in his hand. "And taking him to break whatever feelings he has isn't going to help."
"And what way is that Phillip? Certainly not the way you told him." She definitely meant to sound reproachful.
"And what way was that?" He asked without a shown interest.
Olympias placed one hand on her hip and scowled at her ex. "To drink. Ofcourse!"
Phillip shrugged it off tossing the mail back down on the counter top and went to go pour himself a fresh cup of coffee from the coffeemaker.
"You don't have anything to say about that Phillip?" She had to say something bothered by the stretch of silence he was causing. Probably in hopes that she'd drop it.
"Am I supposed to say something?" He asked quietly pleased.
"I was doing his laundry and found a couple of bottles in his room. The dark shit. If you really think that's going to help him, you're wrong. He was never this angry before."
Phillip sighed bitterly. "He is going to be angry for the rest of his life. That's my opinion."
"And are you encouraging that? You want our son to be angry all of the time!?" She lifted her voice and Phillip knew this night was going to end in a fight. Which sucked, because they couldn't even be decent to each other for the short amount of time she was there.
He put down his cup of coffee so that he could directly face her. "Don't put that shit on me, Olympias. Why would I want my son to be miserable?"
"You tell me. Maybe you're trying to leave behind a legacy for yourself. You did introduce him to drinking." She stated angrily.
"He's a lot milder." He excused.
"He's not you! Do not turn him into you!" she slammed her fist on the counter.
"Why would that be my intention?" He hastily growled back.
"You used to be such a great man Phillip." The severed eyed woman hissed. "You've ruined your life because of the drinking. We are no longer together because of you. Alex will never know what a normal family feels like because of you. I want what's best for him, Phillip. I swear if he becomes anything like you, you will answer to me. You are allowed to destroy yourself anytime you please but do not destroy my son."
"I am the last person I want my son to be." Phillip sternly stated.
"Alex looks up to you. Not because he admires you but because you are the only official male in his life. He's destroying himself because he's your son. And that's what you do, you destroy things. And that's what he's going to do. It's the only way he knows how."
"That's insulting." He scoffed. Rolling his eyes.
"It can't be helped. So be a man about it."
"That's a woman's logic men can never compete with." He mumbled behind his coffee mug he had lifted to his lips to sip.
"If you were smart you'd prefer a woman's logic." Then she stepped away from the counter glaring at her ex.
"And my drinking starts now. Look what you started." Phillip grabbed himself a beer can from the fridge after giving up on the coffee by pouring it down the drain. He figured it wasn't strong enough for this night.
She watched as he drank the entire thing in just seconds, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
Phillip burped and tossed the can in the trash. "At the pace I'm drinking I can probably down every single bottle of alcohol in this house before Alex can have another one. How does that sound? Will that help? Will that make you happy?"
"Oh how I've missed everything about you Phillip, especially your manners." She shook her head in complete disgust and hatred.
Phillip couldn't stand her constant criticism of him anymore. "I know you hate me Olympias but there is no one in this world who hates me more than I do so don't act like you're the only one riding the hate train. Why do you hate me anyway? Is it the drinking, the cheating? What is it?"
"You're a bad influence for my son."
"And you're just the mother of the fucking year."
"Fuck you Phillip."
"No fuck you, darling. You want to know something about your precious little son that I'm apparently out to destroy because I'm a bad man?"
She glared at him.
"Alex is destroying himself because he has too not because I had anything to do with it. This is his choice. The drinking is his choice. Yea I let him have some. But I'm not the one forcing his hand."
Olympias turning away from him, ignored his rant and scanned the half empty refrigerator. "Phillip has Alex been living like this? There is hardly any food in the fridge."
"Fuck me, I can't even fucking catch a break around here. You're always bitching about something."
"I think that having absolutely no food in the fridge is something to bitch about."
"He's the one who eats all that shit."
"Yes but as his father it's your job to provide for him."
"The neighbors feed him anyway. He's fine."
She slammed the refrigerator door shut. And walked over to the pantry.
"You're definitely not going to find anything in there." He warned.
"Well, how am I going to make dinner for us if there is nothing in the fridge. Or the pantry?" She dropped her hands at her hips.
"Well you came at a bad time." Phillip came up beside her. "We have brownie mix." He pulled it out of the pantry. "See?"
"For dessert I hope?" She stared at him hoping his reason for pulling a damn brownie box out of nowhere would be justified.
"No, for dinner." He answered.
"Oh, that's just disgusting."
"Brownies for dinner is not disgusting."
"How about I make a salad. Do you have anything for that?"
"There are no vegetables or fruit. Or whatever modern families these days stock up on. Sorry to disappoint you again. There's milk and cereal though. And we love cereal."
"Just dreadful. I'll order something." She came around the counter and scooped up her cell phone. "Chinese? How does that sound?"
"I don't trust their meat."
"Pizza then?"
"Already had it the other day."
"You have no right to be picky Phillip seeing as you have no fucking food in the house." She growled at him. "Let's see what Alex wants." She started to head towards the end of the stairway to call him down.
"Alex isn't even here." Phillip said.
"What do you mean he's not here? He went up to his room." She looked confused but mostly disappointed.
"Yea and he left like five minutes ago. Out the front door." He gulped some more beer from his newly open can.
"Without saying where he's going?" There was a look of sadness on her face.
"I guess he remembers us telling him never to interrupt when we're arguing."
"Damn." She murmured frustratingly as she sat at the counter with her face in the palms of her hands.
Phillip still with the can to his mouth rubbed her back trying to soothe her. "Everything will be alright."
She dropped her hands flat on the counter. "He just doesn't communicate or talk to me like we used too." Her voice was stricken with grief.
"He doesn't see you anymore. What do you expect?"
"Well I'm here now. I'm back for the weekend and we should be spending this time together."
"Don't take it personal okay." Phillip leaned over the counter top across from her. "He's been like that towards everyone. He has too many people in his life who are worried about him, who care for him and honestly I think he finds it overwhelming."
"Did he say where he was going? It's supposed to rain. He'll get soaked. I'll try calling him." She was frantic and Phillip actually felt bad for her. She did try to be a good mother. He knew he'd never be the better parent, so in a way he was harsher on himself than she was of him.
"Calm down. You need to stop backing him up against a wall."
"It is so like you to not give a shit about his well being."
"Do not ever tell me that I don't give a fuck about my son or his well being." His manner was calm. He wasn't aggressive or anything. He was just too old to keep fighting like that. It was their fighting that drove Alex away in the first place.
"Well, what do you expect Phillip. You were never easy to talk to. And thank goodness I have a flight back in two days, so that should solve this arguing problem. I'm also going to see if Alex wants to come back with me."
Phillip immediately looked angered. Everything calm in him turned tense. "You can't do that. Are you trying to punish me or something?"
"You see him way more often than I do. A little visit back with me won't kill him. Also it's the perfect time especially now since he's done with school and it will give you some time alone. Because I remembered how much you wanted that." She said passive aggressively.
Phillip rubbed an agitated hand through his hair. Her decision was rushed and he knew it would create issues between them three again. As usual. "Don't act like you care about my alone time. He's going to say no. And I don't want you to be disappointed when you hear it from him." Phillip felt that she was trying to take Alex away from him especially after putting all the blame on him for why Alex turned out the way he did.
"Why is that?"
"It's something he just doesn't want. He's not ready for it. He died there for goodness sake. He wasn't happy. And I'm not saying he's happy now but he's not miserable. And it doesn't help that your father is a complete fucking asshole."
"How dare you, Phillip. He's my son. I was there by his side when he woke up in the hospital so I'm very aware of what happened but it had nothing to do with the atmosphere he was in. Did he not almost die here as well. In fact with me he actually started to get his life together. Here, with you, not so much. He's sad." She pointed out. Completely outraged. "I've never seen my son so fucking sad in his life!"
Phillip took a deep breath. Trying to remain as calm as possible. "He was sad there too. He just wore a mask to please you. Look, he loves you Olympias, Colorado is just not for him. I wouldn't mind if you even stayed here, or in California where you're closer to Alex but I'm telling you now, Alex is going to be miserable living there."
"My father is ill Phillip and I have to take care of him. He's not doing well on his own. I have to stay there. And I can not be around you."
"Okay. Fair enough." Phillip whispered sadly. "Talk to Alex but let him decide what he wants to do."
"It'll be good for him Phillip. It won't be for long. It would be just for a couple of months."
The old man sighed faintly. "He doesn't want to go because the one he's here for lives next door." He had to say it. She had to know.
She heavily frowned. Not expecting that. And her judgment easily became clouded. "Is this about his interest in that neighbor kid?" Her voice was sharply distressed.
"It's about a lot more."
She felt a strong hatred. A strong dislike. She knew that kid was trouble. She never liked him and now she understood why. He was trying to take her son away from her. "Has it really come to this?" She felt sickened. Betrayed. Abandoned. By her own son.
"You have to let him be."
"There is no way I'm going to allow Alex to love that boy!" She retorted avidly.
"You know, hearing us out loud, we sound like real fucking bigots." Phillip folded his arms and leaned against the refrigerator. Looking right at his disappointed wife who had her hand up to her mouth anxiously biting at her red nails.
Her eyes glazed in detest. "Maybe I should talk to him." She suggested hastily.
"Don't do that. Let him be Olympias. Just because we are his parents, doesn't mean he has to listen to us. It doesn't even mean that he has to love us. In fact I'm going to be real with you. He hates us. Once he gets out of college, once he graduates and gets a job and becomes successful which we both know he will, he's going to be so far out of our lives, so far out of reach we won't even know where to look. This is why you can't keep trying to control him. You have to let him go."
Tears started to form in her eyes. She couldn't quite describe why she was crying. Or why she felt betrayed and alone. Maybe it was because she now you the truth. The truth that Alex loved someone more than her. It was painful to the point where she could feel it in her stomach. And her breathing wasn't as steady as usual. It was the same feeling she would have if she found out her son had died. "So this really is about that boy. He said nothing even happened between them." Her tone was one in denial. And resentment.
"He's trying to protect himself from you. He's trying to protect Phai from both of us. Of course he's going to lie. He's in love with him, Olympias. Like how I loved you when your father hated me. It's the same thing."
She placed her cellphone back on the counter. "I think I need some air." She cleared her throat lightly. "And I'm not feeling hungry anymore."
He watched his wife slowly walk towards the front door. He then released a tired breath of regret after he watched it close.
Alex was walking down a trail. Alone. It was raining lightly but that didn't matter. He needed time to think even when he should have been spending this time avoiding it. Thinking about what his mom was telling him. And his future.
He sat on a bench at a public park allowing himself to rest. People were running from the rain, drivers were speeding down the road to make it home, the working people just getting off work were preparing newspapers and umbrellas to place over their head, kids were splashing and jumping in puddles and then there he was, observing it all. As if this water that fell from the skies posed a threat. While people feared it, he embraced it.
He put his hands in his lap. He looked down at them as if they were connected to his problem then curled them back up in loose fists.
I've been so accepting of my fate for so long now, death decided to take its sweet time. The thought of me suffering was more intriguing I presume. My life of waiting. Waiting for my fate. And in the meantime I have to either make something of my time or nothing at all. Phai was supposed to be my time. My only investment. But I only seemed to be drawn further into loneliness. Spinning into a far-off darkness. But I was used to the darkness... or so I thought. So why did it suddenly not feel right?... Or maybe I'm just worrying about the wrong things.
A breath escaped him.
"Is this spot taken?"
Alex looked up at an older man and his dog looking a bit bothered by the company. "Help yourself. I guess." That's all he said and only acknowledged the duo for that tiny second and went back to thinking. He didn't know why the man wanted to sit there when there were plenty of other unoccupied benches around the park.
"Thank you. And what a lovely day for rain might I add."
"It's serving its purpose I guess." Like Phai the blonde teen was never great at small talk when it came to strangers. He either came off arrogant or impassive.
"That you're not wrong." The man looked to be in his late thirties, brown short hair and clever eyes.
He petted his dog as the four legged animal sat patiently with him under the simple weather. "Did you know that rain holds a supernatural flair that reveals the sadness in every face."
The blonde scoffed. He blinked in confusion as he looked over at the man like he was crazy. At first he didn't think he was talking to him. "That's simply not true. I don't know who told you that but whoever did pulled that shit out of their ass."
"Well if it's not true, why do you look like you're hurting? What's this sadness that overcomes you?"
Alex squinted in disbelief. "Are you being serious right now?"
The stranger nodded. "Very serious." There was something appeasing about him.
"I've been hurting, sir, if you must know. I've been hurting since I was born and believe me, those days were very sunny. Not a drop of rain." Alex couldn't believe he was even explaining himself to this random dude. He shook his head in contempt.
"Hmm, I see. Probably because no one recognized those wounded feelings. Maybe because when the sun was out you were hiding under a façade that mimicked its brightness."
Alex furrowed his brows in annoyance. "Are you sad? I don't see the sadness in your face. Does it not apply to everyone or just random people?"
"Sometimes you need to open your eyes and look harder. I guess you can say I'm a little sad today. But mostly of a memory. Of a student. Who is very young and very bright? He's been misled in life and it saddens me to see him stray from his destination. It's made me question myself and my own agenda and why I refuse to give up on him. Facing challenges is never easy but if the challenge were easy I guess our lives would be at ease. There would be absolutely nothing to worry about." The man smiled.
"I'm sure he'll figure it out. Unless he's not as bright as you say he is."
"He's very bright." The man assured. "Hotheaded though. And sometimes hotheads don't learn."
"I don't know you. So whatever issues you're having with your students or ex students, I don't care."
"No, you don't know, but you do have the same force as the student I speak about. I'm a college professor by the way. My students call me Art."
"I won't make any effort to introduce myself. And I'll probably forget your name in a couple of seconds here."
"You're the brooding type aren't you? Those are rare." The man slightly grinned. "Others typically pretend to be happy. You on the other hand don't hold back.
"And I take it you are the wise observant type?" Alex shot back. "If you ask me, you guys aren't rare enough."
"Are you angry that I'm sitting here with you? Did I perhaps disturb your alone time."
"I'm annoyed that you're asking questions and I have no idea who you are."
"I introduced myself so that we wouldn't be strangers to each other anymore. How else are you supposed to make friends? How else are we supposed to conversate? How else are you supposed to get to know people? Everyone starts out as a stranger you know? Your parents were strangers to you before you left your mothers womb yet you were connected from the very start of it all. What are these issues you're reminiscing over anyway?"
"I don't give personal information out to people I don't know."
"What am I gonna do, take your personal business and run off with it? Sell it to the world?"
"Or maybe you just don't deserve to know. My feelings belong to me and me alone."
"Most likely a relationship issue. It always is with young kids. And it sounds to me like your feelings were shared and you didn't like the outcome. Also your feelings never belong to just you. I have a feeling that you're out in the rain thinking quietly to yourself because you can't think out loud. You have no one to talk to or you believe that those who you want to share your message with aren't going to understand what you are feeling. And maybe you're right. Maybe they won't understand. But there is always someone who is willing to hear you out. There is always one person willing to listen. It's usually the one you push away."
Alex stood. Refusing to waste anymore time with this guy. Then he paused...
/
My boy, I swear by Zeus you make me feel older than I am chasing you around like this. The old man finally catches up to the more outgoing boy. He finds him at a hill top.
You didn't have to seek me out. Did father send you? Because I'm perfectly fine.
There is that nonsense again. You could have me fooled prince but you forget I'm most wise. When I was told that I was going to be your instructor, your parents both failed to mention how serious you could be. But I do remember the delightful young prince who always teased poor Cassander about how serious he was?
The teen aged Prince rolls his eyes. What do you want Aristotle?
I want to know why you are running from Hephaistion. Even Hephaistion wants to know why you are running from him.
The blonde prince lifts a furious brow at his old advisor. I was told we could be just friends. That I need to mature and focus on other things. We talked and decided it was best that we go down our separate paths. That I had to look forward to being a king and he my companion. We could be nothing more.
Aristotle releases a curious breath. It was something that you felt had to be done despite the consequences of your feelings? I see. That's a difficult one, my boy.
He's my best friend. We would have to still be friends. Fate wouldn't give us any other option but to remain in each others lives. That's the hard part.
Fate is always right. The old man states.
Fate is interfering. The boy responds back.
The old man nods. Listen to me carefully Alexander. This is going to be a difficult time in your life. You're going to shutdown your heart when you need it opened the most. It's not going to be easy. To some extent you can lose yourself that way even more. But I get this feeling you're going to leave completely. Escape. Run. Disappear.
Sometimes you have to.
And sometimes you don't. Why chose the more destructive path? Alexander you have the option to live a wonderful life. So stop running. It's getting harder for us all to keep up. Not everyone runs as fast as you, you know. Aristotle pats the boy on the back and heads back down the hill.
\
Alex blinked away grey mist obscuring his vision, gasping in light breaths. And looked around like he forgot where he was at. Then everything suddenly came back into focus
"Have a nice day." The stranger said and the blonde stared at the man for awhile. This was all to similar. The man didn't look familiar but he sounded familiar. It freaked him out a bit so he quickly turned and left back to his car.
Alex walked up to the front of his home quickly until he saw his mother sitting on the porch steps smoking a cigarette. He stopped and looked at her. She was wrapped in one of her light weight cover ups because it was a little chilly out. She wasn't even looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something, which was unusual for her. She was usually more directive.
He looked a little surprised. And uncertain how to approach her. "Can't sleep?" He asked subtly walking up to her.
She shook her head. "No." He sensed that her voice was stressed. "Didn't know where my son was."
He sat down beside her slowly. "I had my phone off."
"Have you always gone on these long walks?" She asked like it bothered her that he did.
"Yea." He nodded.
"I never knew that. That makes me a terrible mother you know." She blew the smoke away from him.
He quickly looked at her, being consumed in some guilt also upset that she felt that way.
"What do these walks do for you? Is that amount of privacy necessary?"
"Yea." His answer sounded muffled. "It helps me clear my head."
"I know you've been drinking Alex." She looked directly and upset at her son. "Is that what you're really doing when you disappear? Getting fucked up somewhere."
Alex held in his frustration. "It's not meant to be a secret and no. I haven't drank at all today. I'm not leaving to get fucked up either. Like I said, I leave to get a clear head."
"But you're going to drink. Tonight?"
"It's not going to kill me mom if that's what you're worried about."
"It'll kill your soul before it kills you. You see me smoking, doesn't mean I'm going to hand you the cigarette. You can not allow your father to convince you that drinking your problems away is the answer. Drinking changes people." She stated based on experience.
"So does hatred. And envy. Love. Fast food. Everything changes you. And it was my choice, not dads. Don't blame him. He gets enough blame from both of us already."
They turned quiet for awhile. She went back to smoking and he went back to staring off. He looked angered that she had even brought it up.
"I did your laundry today. It's folded and put away. You don't have a lot of clothes. I've never seen a closet and dresser so empty before. I could have sworn you had more clothes than that."
"I grew out of them mom. A long time ago." He excused the fact that she imposed on his privacy.
"You should have told your father you needed more. You should have told me you needed more. I would have sent you some."
"I don't need more clothes mom. I probably don't even need a bed."
Alex blinked not realizing until now that his room was even as empty as his soul. "So you and dad are fighting again? Is that why you're out here?" he asked.
"What gave it away?"
"The tears in your eyes."
"The tears aren't from your father. There from you. You gave them to me."
He knew exactly what she was going to scold him about. He looked away from her and shook his head. "Don't." It was a pleading whisper.
"How long have you liked Phai?" She was stern. She wanted to know.
"For a long time mom. Since we've been neighbors. Since I knew how to fucking love. Why does it matter?" He was severely angered and bothered. His blood was starting to agitate beneath his skin.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She glared deeply at him.
"Because you don't like him. You don't like the idea of him and I together. Because it will make you physically sick. That's why I didn't tell you." Alex stood up and was about to walk away but then he stopped when she had thrown more words back at him engaging him further in the argument.
"What about Barsine, Alex? Was she not good enough for you? Did you even love her?"
"She was more of a friend. She asked me out and I said yes just because I had nothing else to say. A void was supposed to be filled but it wasn't. I loved her yes, but not the way one is supposed to love."
"How is one supposed to love Alex?"
He looked down and sighed. "I don't know, mom. I have no fucking clue."
"Alexander, I've always wanted what was best for you and it's not him."
"What is your problem with him?"
"I don't trust him. I don't know him. How do I know that he's good for you?"
"Have you even tried to get to know him? Dad has. It hasn't been pleasant but he's tried."
"So I'm the bad parent?"
"I never said that mom." He rubbed his hands through his hair frustratingly.
"You need a woman." She demanded.
"And if I can't fall in love with a woman?" He retorted.
She sighed, putting out the cigarette. Then she stood as she hugged herself from the night chill. "You're holding yourself back. Is this to get back at me? Did I make you that miserable Alex? All I ever did was care for you."
"I'm not mad at you. For anything. Sometimes you just care for me, too much. I just wish that you could understand that this wasn't a choice. I didn't choose to fall in love with him mom and I would never choose to make you angry. Do you think I want to be talking to you like this right now? I shouldn't have to defend myself from you."
"How long have you two been intimate?" She remained persistent. "A year? Longer?"
"It doesn't matter."
"His beauty it's a delusion to who he really is. It's making you sick with obsession. You don't love him, you like the idea of him and I don't want you to regret anything. Sometimes what you intend to be permanent, becomes temporary. The company can be a comfort at first but it becomes a small irritation later on. It will hurt you."
"Is this somehow supposed to change my mind about him?"
"He's the reason you're so withdrawn and unreasonable."
"Everything else is the reason I am so withdrawn and unreasonable. Phai makes me happy and because of that I can't be. We're not together anymore. Will that make you happy? We are no longer together. We are no longer intimate. We are no longer kissing. We are no longer fucking. We are nothing anymore. Kind of like you and dad."
She slapped him. But Alex grabbed her smaller wrist and compressed it within his hand. Glaring at her.
"What do you have to say mom?" His voice was quiet, sounding like someone about to give up.
"That I'm disgusted with you."
"We are no longer together." He reminded her.
Olympias chuckled in amazement. "But you're still friends and you're still going to see him. The reality is, sweetie, he'll always be on your mind. You're so dark and confused. Phai might make you happy but because of it, it's making you weak. Sometimes you have to let go of what's killing you."
"I am." He released her hand.
"No one will love you like I do, Alex. Try to get some sleep. Your bed looks like you've never slept in it." She kissed him softly on the cheek but disappointment was still shown as she headed inside.
/
Yes mother? The prince walks into his mothers quarters, head high. Eyes angered.
Alexander, come in. I have something for you. She says with a hissing snake slithering between her slender fingers.
It's not my birthday. He grimaces.
You think you'd receive gifts from me only on your birthday? She kisses the snake. A vibrant chuckle in her throat. How insulting.
What was the last gift I received from you other than what's already provided for a prince? I am given the same things almost everyday of my life. He retorts, keeping watchful eyes on his mother as she seduces the snake with her humming.
I see, so you're bored with the kingdoms riches? She asks curiously.
I guess you can say that I'm bored with privilege.
Perhaps you're bored with everything. She places the snake back in its holder. She walks over to her son placing a kiss on his firm cheek. Your desires are far more complex my dear.
He continues to glare, unmoved by her affection. My desire is simple really.
Hmm. As always you desire your boy toy. She grins knowingly. I know you're upset about what happened to Hephaistion. But understand that your father had to do what he needed to do. And though I don't agree with him, Hephaistion did lay hands on an elite general. It could have been worse and your father could have had him executed.
Because father allowed him to be taken against his will. An elite general should know better not to touch what's mine.
She cups her child's cheek with her cold hand. I know how much he means to you Alexander. But the girls are wondering who you love more, them or Hephaistion? When is the last time you even bedded a woman Alexander? They practically throw themselves at you. Your lack of interest in woman is getting concerning my love. I understand Hephaistion is the only person who consumes your mind. I understand that he is your best friend and it was a wicked thing what your pig father has done but you're obsessed Alexander. What you feel for Hephaistion is only obsession. He's desirable but it's nothing more than that and I only want to see you happy.
I need father to undo what he has done if you want to see me happy. Mother, Hephaistion is my joy. I don't want the throne if it means I have to treat him different.
You were born to be a king. And you would make a great one. But now I know your pride and joy. Now I know what makes my son happy. But beware Alexander, because your joy, your happiness will become your weakness. A weakness and vulnerability your enemies will search for and find, and when they do they will grip your pride and joy in the palm of their hand as if keeping your liveliness hostage. So I say this to you, keep your pride but conceal your happiness and don't let anyone know of it because they will take it from you and it will hurt. It will hurt badly. More than a snakes bite to the neck. Don't allow yourself to fall in deep. Continue your journey unaffected by emotion. Keep your heart shut. Naturally you'll go down a path of darkness. You'll become a tyrant that your father is and the many kings who had ruled before. So if Hephaistion is your happiness, you've already handed him to the enemies. They'll hurt him because he's yours and vengeance is a powerful enemy Alexander. But the sooner you let go of him, the better off you'll be. You won't have to hurt so much. Sometimes you must make sacrifices. You can't love in a dark world like this. Because love is the easiest thing to destroy. Those were her last words before planting a coveting kiss to her sons lips. Then she slips away back into the darkness of her quarters.
\
She was right. People hated Hephaistion. Only because I loved him.
He was listening to a particular silence in his own head. He was quiet and still, pale and unclean. He had been dragged back and tied up where he was originally taken captive. Back to the start.
It was night this time, harder to see. But it wasn't dark enough to where his sadness and despair were undercover.
The general's eyes were closed. His head down. His body beaten. Clearly hurting. His wrists were thick with dry blood from when he fought vigorously attempting to escape through the unyielding ropes. He had put up such a fight on the way back, that at the moment he couldn't even think or exchange energy. Everything had been drained from him. His tears, his strive, his soul. All had left him. He was a dead man. A broken man. If he didn't live through this, if he wasn't around for another sunrise, he'd probably be fine.
He hadn't eaten or drunken in days. The lack of food and water made him feel numb. A numbness that he was okay with because for the time being he was opposed to thinking correctly. And the deadened feeling of his physical body and mind were somewhat helping him forget about the recent tragedy. And though it provided a certain ease to some extent, the memories still surfaced. Of his King. But he even knew there was no escaping that particular recollection. It was out of his control.
Alexander was dead. It was more painful to admit than to deny but he's been in denial about it for awhile. Since he began the search for him. Since the king went missing..Alexander was dead from the start.
He didn't want to think about it because that meant what it always means. He will never see or hear from his lover again. Before he held on to hope. He didn't think the gods would allow him to get this far without bringing him back. But the gods were cruel this time. They didn't even allow him to touch or see Alexander and because of that there was enough screaming and panic in his chest to where his heart just couldn't take it.
And with that, Hephaistion opened his eyes slowly. He adjusted his sight towards the path that led him to and from his king. Things should have been a blur between the lack of sleep and lack of food but even with the lightheadedness he had perfect clarity. His eyes being darkly articulate. And now his mental wounds were only getting bigger the more he sat restricted to the repugnance of the Indian land. Soon he would no longer be grief stricken. Soon he would be enraged. And Hephaistion, enraged, especially when it involved his king, wasn't the kindest guy.
/
Hephaistion? The king stares sightlessly at the scenery before him. He looks obsolete. He sounds doubtful.
Yes, my love. The general answers with an attentive breath.
What do you do when your will has completely broken? And everything feels meaningless. And everything you ever wanted before was now less attractive and unwanted. How do you recover from that feeling? Can you ever recover? Because I'm feeling pretty bad right now. And I think demise is waiting for me.
His lover turns to him and smiles bright. You go out and find a new will, my love. And you fight harder against the rush that crushed you before. And everything meaningless will be meaningful again and everything unwanted will be needed and the desires that you find unpleasant would be fulfilling once more. And then you'll be brand new and you'll start to feel good again. I promise Alexander, you'll recover. You'll recover from all of this. And when you do, I'll still be the same man who loved the damaged you. And if you do fall, if you do go and death finds you, the gods in recognition of my rage and sorrow will bring you back to me. But now is not the time for these dark feelings.
And as his lover lays a kiss to his forehead, the kings thoughts vanish, at once.
\
Love is just a rope that binds us. The hard part is finding the right rope.
What we both shared, what we both gave, was so incredibly frightening and so powerful that even the greatest of men could be destroyed by it. I was destroyed by it. I didn't conquer just to conquer. Conquering the world was just one stop. But conquering his heart took a lifetime. Nothing had me bleeding more.
So where is the fight in me now? Where is this blood that left me stained?...
I used to fight for everything. I used to fight for him... I guess...I'm no longer the fighting kind.
Hello readers! Sorry for the delay and as always thank you for your patience, your reviews and your time. I'm trying my best to update as soon as possible! Hope you enjoyed this lighter chapter because starting next chapter things will be getting a lot more hectic and a lot more eventful. - Stranger