Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Thirty Three
Part Three
/
"The queen has arrived." Phil droned condescendingly. "Make way for him."
"Glad you could join us." Cleitus said happily with open arms.
"Believe me, I wasn't looking forward to it." Phai sneered passing by them both.
"We're your friends whether you like it or not." Cassy smirked down at him. "Don't pretend to hate us."
"We are not friends. And I can think of so many reasons why we're not." Phai scornfully but respectively noted.
"I can think of reasons why we are." The black haired man disputed back playfully.
"Good-luck. You have the GPA of a preschooler. I'll give you some time on this one." Phai remarked and the friends laughed.
Cleitus didn't take the insult as an insult and allowed it instead. "Feisty. We wouldn't accept you any other way."
"How thoughtful."
Alex was completely zoned out. His grey ethereal eyes forced in intense concentration. His blonde hair wild and ran back. The ran back hair was Phai's favorite Alex look. It looked like a lions mane that had just been groomed. The blonde did not get enough credit when it came to physical appeal. He was gorgeous.
Phai cleared his throat after a ravishing thought and placed the cookies on Alex's lap which gained some of his unexpected attention. Then he sat down next to him. Not exactly next to him. But on the opposite side of the couch next to him. He still wasn't sure how close he could get. "I thought you might want those."
"Awesome. I love cookies." Crater said snatching one of the boxes.
Alex didn't speak or anything but he ripped open the other box like there was a prize at the bottom. He didn't know what it was but having his spaced out moments left him super hungry. He'd eat anything just to get back the energy that left him each time he suffered through the mental pictures of his supposed past life.
"You okay?" Phai asked Alex and the gaze of the blonde turned to him for the first time that day. He was finally unwrapped from his thoughts and his eyes were ignited and majestic. He found that he didn't mind the sight. Not at all. When Alex looked at you, he made you feel like you were the only person in the world and that's how Phai was feeling...despite all their annoying ass friends in the background.
"Yea. Thanks." The blonde's lips curved fully into a needed smile.
Phai sweetly smiled back then reached for his book under the cushion of the couch and opened it to the page where he left off the last time he was there. He didn't know what to focus on more, Alex or the book he was about to read, though he figured with all the noise, he would get through just a sentence. But he could breathe easy. Alex smiled. And it was awesome. That's all any one of them wanted, was Alex to be happy. That would change soon enough. Alex felt differently about his own happiness.
"Alex, your birthday is coming up." Cleitus brought up. He sat right in between Phai and Alex making himself comfortable. "What should we do to celebrate?"
"I'm not having a party this year." Alex bluntly replied and Cleitus gasped aloud.
"Why not? It's just around the corner."
Alex couldn't think of a good enough reason why his birthday wasn't important enough other than the fact that he died on his last one but he wasn't going to bring that up. It only brought back bad memories and he didn't want anyone to stress over it. "I don't want one."
"Let's go roller skating." Perdicas threw it out there.
Cassy cringed at the suggestion. "Is it 1970? We should stick to something simple, like going to the movies."
"Simple won't matter because I'm not having a party." Alex tried again but no one seemed to be listening.
"Drunk roller skating?" Perdicas wouldn't let it go.
"No." Alex sighed. "Drop it."
"Bowling." Crater mentioned.
"No." Alex answered.
"Strip club?" Phil said.
"You may be on to something. I know a place. It's a little sketchy but it'll work." Cleitus said.
"No!" Alex exclaimed. "I'm not going to change my mind about it. No party. End of discussion." Those were Alex's final words on the subject. Or so he thought.
"Alex, I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to sabotage your own happiness."
The blonde scoffed at the audacity of that comment. "That's ridiculous, Cleitus. I'm not trying to sabotage anything." Then he took a quick five seconds to think on that. Was he? "It's just a waste of time. Every single birthday we've had ended up terrible due to piss poor planning and stupid friends, no offense. You, Cleitus, always manage to get wasted and forget about everything before the party even starts. Cassy, you were pissed your entire birthday because of a melted ice cream cake."
Cassy frowned. "You left candles burning on it for over an hour. Just buy ice cream next time. Or a traditional cake."
"Nobody likes traditional cake." Leon advised.
"Everyone likes traditional cake!" Cassy strongly corrected.
"You should have went with carrot cake." Phai imposed.
"Now you want to join in and give your cake expertise? That's hippie food."
"Pie then? You like pie? We'll get you that next time, you ungrateful piece of shit."
Cassy just glared at Phai. He may have acted innocent but really Phai was this fascinating disdainful individual.
"Whatever. I don't even like cake."
"So either way you would have been pissed for getting you any kind of cake?" Phai asked confused at Cassy's bitchy logic. "It was just a stupid cake. It costed 20 dollars. And in our defense, you were totally being a dick that day. And we were just trying to be, you know, nice and supportive, which most of the time you don't deserve. So your party was incurable from the start." Phai retorted.
"Cheesecake." Alex said out of the blue and everyone just stared at him like he was imposing on their cake debate even though it was his birthday they were trying to figure out in the first place. But he was right about the cheesecake. Always the better choice. And just like that, he was back to being annoyed and moody. "Fuck the parties and the birthdays." He was clearly upset about more than just the discussion at hand. "They don't matter. It's just another day. Don't waste your time."
Everyone became quiet as Alex started digging into the cookies again. They never really took insults from him seriously before but this time they knew his frustration was coming from something else. Something more internal. He meant everything by it.
Then bless him, Cleitus broke the silence. "Looks like somebody needs another drink."
Phai peered away from his book and at the blonde, looking a little surprised. It was the first time he was hearing about it. Hell, it was the first time everyone was hearing about. But no one thought it was a big deal more than Phai. And Tolem, because he was the first one to speak up about it.
"When did you start drinking, Alex?" Tolem asked and then suddenly the entire group knew what to focus on. Again, Alex was the center of attention.
Alex stopped mid crunch but avoided any eye contact with Phai. He wasn't sure Phai was supposed to know. "I'm not drinking." He lied.
"Yea you are. Your dad tells me how you out drink him all the time. Are you coming down on a hangover? Is that why you're so spacey today?"
"It started a couple days ago." Alex wanted to strangle Cleitus so bad right now for having a big mouth and for being friends with his dad but instead he decided he'd admit to some truth.
"Bullshit!" Cassy said with impulse. "You are a family of alcoholics. You started taking shots in the womb."
Phai thought back when he went over there last. There were more than enough shot glasses in the sink. Great, another Phillip, he thought. It seemed to be Alex's fate, becoming his father minus the obnoxiousness. Alex wasn't obnoxious and if he was, he was surrounded by even more obnoxious people that it wasn't recognized.
"Let's not talk about it." Alex popped another cookie in his mouth. He figured if he just kept stuffing his mouth he wouldn't feel obligated to say anything. Right away, the friends went back to what they were doing before. "So, uh, Phai, did you have fun helping my dad out yesterday?" This was his obvious way of dropping the subject.
The blue eyed boy smiled. "Does helping your dad move stuff around your house sound like fun? You should have just been home."
"So you're saying you didn't have fun moving furniture with my father?"
"I'm saying that if you were home I wouldn't have had to help your dad move furniture."
"Was it awkward?"
"Yes, it was." Phai flipped one of the pages to his book. He didn't even think he finished reading the entire page. He lost focused when Cleitus mentioned the drinking. There were so many reasons why drinking would make Alex's situation worse.
"Does that bother you?"
"Does what bother me? Moving furniture with your dad or you not being home to move furniture with your dad? Because both bothers me. "
Alex rolled his eyes. "The drinking Phai. Does me drinking bother you?"
Phai was surprised he had asked. How kind of him that he did. It meant that he somewhat cared about his opinion still. "If it did, would you stop?"
"If I did would you stop judging me?"
Alex knew the drinking bothered him. It bothered him more than Phai would like to admit.
"I'm not judging you. It was just unexpected. That's all. I see a difference."
"I feel a difference."
"You seem proud of it."
"It must be working then." Alex said and there was shade behind it.
And in response, Phai threw shade back. "I guess I just never imagined that you would turn to alcohol. It kind of defeats the purpose of your health kick you were on about. Also, I don't plan on having conversations with an insensible and intolerable Alex so I'm going to get back to reading now."
Alex looked offended and equally insecure to the point where he stopped eating the tasty shortbread's. "If it makes you feel any better I only have a couple drinks a night."
"It's okay, Alex. I don't care anymore." Phai continued to read. They weren't together so he didn't have much say power in what he did or did not do. He accepted that Alex had nothing to prove to him. However, he couldn't accept that Alex was on something more than a suicide mission.
"I don't out drink my dad, either."
Phai turned away from his book and looked at Alex once again. "Do you like the taste?" he asked.
"I never think about the taste." Alex responded.
"So it makes you feel good?"
"Yea."
Phai didn't know what to think about that either so he said nothing.
"You are impossible." Thais said under her breath but Alex heard it and cornered her with a glare.
"What did you say?"
"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you could hear anything over the sound of the cookies dying in your mouth."
"I drink, so what? Is that a problem, Thais?"
"We all know how violent you get when you drink. I mean, unless choking Roxanne in the locker room was purely from sexual aggression?"
Phai quickly put a calming hand on Alex's thigh, signalling him with eyes to not react. He knew how much it always took for Alex to not react. "Thais, trust me, you don't want to start something you don't know anything about."
"You know, Phai, you should stop coming to his defense, seeing as you two aren't together anymore."
Phai smirked. "And you should stop coming to Roxanne's defense as if you two are."
Perdicas whistled at the diss. "That's a sound argument."
Then Thais looked at Tolem who was hoping not to be dragged into it. "Tols?
"Roxanne's a bitch, babe, you know that." Tolem said in Alex's defense and his own. None of them liked Roxanne. Tolem got the worst from her because he was friends with both Phai and Alex, one she loved the most and the other she hated the most and that put him, right down the middle.
"Whatever. I'm leaving." The girl stood and grabbed her things.
"What's your problem?" Tolem asked her. "We're in the middle of a game."
"Alex is the problem." Thais left them with that and took off.
"You know, she hates me for no reason." Alex told Tolem after holding off the energy trying not to be riled by her.
Tolem put the game on pause and looked at Alex with a look he'd regret much later. "Well, sometimes you can be frustrating."
"About what?" Alex scoffed.
"Tol?" Phai advised him, always being the bigger and better person. He knew what his sandy haired friends frustrations were but he didn't know how soon Tolem was going to let it out.
Tolem wasn't sure if he wanted to get into it but he ignored Phai's warning and continued. "You pretending that nothing happened. You up and vanish for fucking weeks and then you show up to graduate. That's the problem. And now your birthday and your health, you just toss it aside like it means nothing. What's going on with you lately?"
Alex felt attacked. He didn't understand where any of it came from and even though it came from a good heart, he wasn't sure he liked the way he came at him. "I guess I'm a little confused why it matters."
"Alex, you literally have nothing to do but brood all day. It doesn't ever seem to matter what good you have around, you can't ever be happy."
Alex was trying so hard to bite his tongue. "Is this a 'fuck you, Alex!' day? Am I missing something? Because today has consisted of nothing but everyone on my ass about shit. Is there something you want to say?"
"You know what, never-mind." Then Tolem turned away.
"Clearly, it's fucking something." Alex stood and they all knew what that normally entailed. The friends adjusted in ready positions in case they needed to step in and Tolem slowly turned back to him.
"Tell us what really happened with Roxanne."
"I don't have to explain myself to you. What happened, happened. End of fucking story."
"Nice scapegoat, Alex. You always did sugarcoat shit."
"You believe Roxanne over me?"
"I believe that something happened. That's all I'm saying."
"Your girlfriend has convinced you somehow that I'm a bad person?"
"Not bad, just mad about something that you can't talk to us about."
Alex didn't answer and that told Tolem and the rest of them everything they knew was right.
"Can we all just relax? Christ, you two are acting like a bunch of females on the same period cycle." Cassy said being the voice of reason for once and also making sure what was supposed to be a friendly gathering didn't end in bloodshed. And also making sure Tolem didn't leave in a casket. He knew first hand what the blonde teen was capable of when push came to shove.
"I'm relaxed." Alex said turning away.
And Tolem just kept on shoving. "You don't look relaxed. I suggest you figure yourself out, Alex, before you end up pushing more away than what you've asked for."
The blonde chuckled. "Is that it, Tolem? Are you done?"
"I'm done. You can't seem to talk to us about anything anyway."
"Maybe it's personal."
"Personal? We've never kept anything from each other."
"We grew up. I'm not a child playing games in a shed anymore."
"That's a little self righteous."
"What I go through concerns not a single fucking soul in this room!" Alex yelled. And this is when Phai had to get between them. Just incase. Alex was extremely unpredictable lately but what surprised him more was Tolem.
"Phai's feelings concern me. Yours did too. Are we not friends, Alex?" Tolem yelled back.
"Over a goddamn birthday and some drinks, Tolem!?" Alex was furious. "Are you fucking kidding me? If I don't want to celebrate my birthday, I don't have to. I don't even have to involve any of you. And I can drink whatever the fuck I want, when I want."
"Then suffer alone, Alex."
"I already do."
"You know it's more than that. It is so much bigger."
"What do I even say to that?"
"Anything."
"I don't understand why you're mad at me?"
"And I don't understand how one person can bottle up so much energy to hate themselves this much. You don't seem to ever give a shit about anyone's feelings, especially your own."
Then Tolem and Alex became quiet about how true the last statement was. Alex did hate himself and they remained pissed at everything that happened in that last 30 seconds. This was their first fight and it was a little too deep for the rest of the friends. Phai thought about just sitting back down because the worst he felt was already done. He's never heard or seen Tolem and Alex argue before and there was no doubt how uncomfortable it made everybody. But tensions were still high and air and space was the best thing for the both of them.
"Tols, let's go talk." Phai said to him calmly. He was the most emotionally equipped friend of the group. On a good day, Tolem was too. But today was not a good day apparently and he couldn't trust the others to handle it. They were either enabling or afraid of confrontation.
Tolem followed Phai out of the shed saying nothing else to Alex and Alex didn't say a word either. He sat back down, staring off at nothing, exactly how he was before Phai got there.
The Lost Days, India
The general jerked awake from another bad dream. They just kept coming like the rains that tugged on. The branches and leaves of the tree that hovered high above held on through the wet winds and Hephaistion was grateful for whatever shelter he had. He looked down with a muddy face and blue eyes barely open at the sealant made up of mushy green ointment. He smiled through the scars. He remembered one of the Indian boys applying it over his open leg wound before nodding off again. It stopped the stinging, the bleeding and the infection…but for how long? He tried moving it but it just awakened the pain throughout his entire body. The general was breathing harshly but steadily, waiting for it to cool down but it didn't matter if it did or not. He felt another pain. This was nowhere near as painful as the reoccurring dream where his king kept appearing, letting him know that he wasn't good enough. It caused his world to tip and spin thinking about it. It had to have been his own mind fucking with him. After all, he was delusional, dehydrated and barely breathing. And his king would never say those words to him.
Hephaistion was trying his best. Only love would bring him out there. Only love would make him suffer the way he was. That's all the general knew how to give Alexander. Pain and suffering, all because he loved him. It would be nice if Alexander could give him something back, like not being dead so that all of this was worth something.
He thought long and hard about the king, and when they first met as children and how Alexander made him feel and think. It was always Alexander's mission, smaller than his mission to conquer but important nonetheless towards his success, to get people to hear him and understand him and listen to what his heart was trying to say. His heart was grand and wild and clever and at the time, Phai wasn't impressed. Now, his back was up against a tree, he was sitting in his own filth and blood, track of time had long been lost and Alexander was dead. The brilliant human he disliked for so long, then came to love because of a potent heart, was dead from him. They stripped him, beat him and then threw him over a cliff to watch him drown. It was more than just a death. It was a disgraceful persecution. It was a terrible way to go because he knew how much water hated the King and how much Alexander wanted to love it. He'd always play in it and it would always take him under. He mentally smiled at the times he's saved the handsome king over and over and over again from the beautiful elemental band. But no matter how striking the water was, nothing could be more striking than the king that ruled his heart.
He wasn't going to let him get taken under again. The general quickly shut his eyes to stop the tears. How could he allow him to get taken under again?
Life just wasn't fair to him. Why? The gods had lost sight of him. Why? They used to be so good to him. When did things change?
The general screamed as loud as he could. Over and over. Once he exhausted from it he started tugging and kicking away at the binds in frustration. As if he was being watched the whole time, the gathering of Indian men came from the heavy bushes at his effort for an escape and two of them restrained the general and forced water and raw meat into his mouth by clenching his jaw. What they fed him was sickening but he couldn't afford to reject it, so he ate it. He needed energy to save his dead king.
He didn't thank them. If they treated him like a more civilized human he would have but deep down he knew it wasn't meant to be a kind gesture. After the general finished chewing and swallowing, the man who fed him kicked him in his stomach and he ended up throwing everything up he had just consumed. They laughed and fed him back his own vomit. They clamped a dirty hand around his mouth and nose forcing it down, choking him in doing so. When they released him he started to cough up what didn't go down. But that didn't seem to be enough torture. One wrapped a bundle of his hair around in a firm hand and began slicing it off close to his scalp. Hephaistion loved his long hair. Alexander loved his long hair. And chopping it all away was a dangerous mistake.
Done, they cut his hands free and dropped the knife they removed his hair with by his foot. He didn't know what was happening but rushed for the knife anyway, cutting the rope from his ankles. It was so relieving not to be tied anymore but the men who were circling him looked a certain way. He didn't know what the removing of the hair symbolized but Hephaistion held the small weapon close. The Indians surrounding him had spears gripped loosely not taking him as prey seriously. They spoke among themselves with chuckles, and grins and Phai knew they were mocking him again.
"What are you saying!?" Phai asked out in aggression. "Tell me!"
One stomped at him and spat. "Get up."
The general slowly stood, understanding them that time. He used the tree as a grip, and his leg wound started to bleed out again because of the pressure. He was certain his death was near, whether this was a fight to the death or by the blood loss. But if this was the way to become free from the torture and humiliation, he'd kill them all.
"Run. We seek!" They hollered and rose the spears above their heads in a rally.
He counted them, studied their motions and postures and quickly realized this wasn't going to be a one on one. They were hoping for a hunt. He had no chance to survive. He could hardly even stand. "Fuck you!" Hephaistion yelled. "Fuck you all to Hades! I hope the crows fucking feed on your pounding hearts and turn your insides out! I will kill you. I will kill you all!"
The generals always used to make fun of Hephaistion because he was never fond of battle and according to them, he wasn't much of a fighter but to be the bodyguard of a highly admired King he had to be one of the best. Alexander would brag that when he did fight, he always won.
Hephaistion took a deep and controlled breath thinking about all the times he's fought the best, including Craterus and Cleitus. He thought about all the times he's survived war and got back up to fight another day. He's thought about all the times he was prized in combat training. But most importantly, he thought about every single time his King would tell him how much he out shined the stars and everything else beautiful. He gripped the knife in his left hand and closed his eyes and he was back on the plains of Gaugamela.
Phai was looking up at the sky breathing in the fresh air and Tolem was watching him. "Why are you so calm around him? You know I'm right."
"Blow off the steam first. If we're going to talk, it's going to be civil. And you are right but wrong about so much more." Phai finally looked at him. He had his fathers exact problem solving face.
Tolem let out a deep breath and folded his arms. He could trust Phai to know more. He was the only person to ever get close to Alex. All three parts. Heart, soul and mind. "I'm sorry. I just don't get him sometimes. He's so frustrating."
"None of us do. He doesn't even understand himself but the thing is, we will never understand him and that's okay. He's not a puzzle waiting to be solved."
"Even if he was a damn puzzle we wouldn't be able to fit the last piece. Or find it. We're going to discover the remaining percentage of the ocean and space before we figure him out? He really is impossible."
Phai chuckled a little to that. "Tolem, now you're just being petty."
The curled haired teen took one more breath and looked at Phai. "He is out of control. There is something wrong with him. I don't know why I didn't see it before and the bad part is, I can't even explain it myself. I can't tell if it's mental like schizophrenia or if he has a multiple personality disorder. I'm not sure what it is but he needs to get help."
"Maybe." Phai couldn't rule out the possibility that Alex was mentally ill. It deeply saddened him. Alex explained the King enough to him to know that it doesn't end well for either of them. "Maybe not." He wanted to say more in Alex's defense but there wasn't any good way to say in words justifying the way Alex was. No one would understand anyway.
"There is no maybe, Phai, I saw it in him. He wanted to kill me back there or some other part of him did. He wanted to rip me into pieces. That is not the Alex I grew up with. I don't know how to be around him anymore because I don't know if he's even going to react and that makes me feel uneasy."
Phai didn't know how to respond to that. Maybe his judgement was clouded because he was in love with him. Demons and all. "People get angry, Tolem."
"That wasn't anger back there. He is holding something else back and it's terrifying. We don't know what he's thinking. We've never been afraid of Alex and suddenly he's the scariest motherfucker in our group of friends? How does one get that way? He can be fun and cool and happy one second and then the next, he's a fucking..." Tolem paused his last words. He didn't realize how angry he was getting until he saw the hurt in Phai's eyes. "Fuck, I'm so sorry Phai. What the fuck am I saying?"
Phai wanted to hear it despite the tears forming. "Finish what you were going to say."
"You don't want to hear it."
"I know but tell me anyway."
Tolem ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I was going to say that he's a fucking numb brained insensible lunatic."
"Do you mean that?"
Tolem sighed. "I don't mean it. I'm just mad at him and I don't know why."
Phai cleared his throat and his blue eyes extended over the rest of the grassy field. "He's going through a really hard time right now. With his parents. His meaning in life. His health. He doesn't think he can live through it so he refuses what he knows is a good thing. Why cherish something that won't last? He told me before, he feels like he's somewhere else."
"What's wrong with him?" Tolem instantly toned down. He was worried now. All the frustration and hate vanished like it was never there.
"He's just sick." That's all Phai gave away. Too much more would destroy Alex's trust in him.
Tolem looked at Phai with the most sincere apologetic look one could give. "Why doesn't he want the support from us?"
"I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want us to worry."
"Phai, I am worried. I am scared. I don't want to lose him as a friend."
"I know. If it was easy, he'd talk to us." Phai said.
"Are you okay?" Tolem asked apologetically.
Phai shook his head. "No. But I'm dealing with it as best as I can."
"He is in love with you, Phai. It must be hard for you knowing that. Knowing that he can have you but would rather walk away."
Phai wiped away the rest of the tears from his bright blue eyes. "Imagine how much harder it is for him because he has to."
Then they were interrupted the exact same time the clouds interrupted the sun.
"Hello."
They both turned to see Roxanne approaching and a shadow of strong dislike filled Phai's eyes. They were no longer sad. They were livid.
"What do you want, Roxanne?" Tolem asked as polite as he could. He had to repeatedly tell himself that his girlfriend was her best friend.
"Nothing. Just here to see what Alex is up to." A devious smile planted on her face as she glanced a little over at Phai but the blue eyed boy remained silent.
"You're the last person he wants to deal with right now. It's not a good time."
"Oh, is he in a bad mood again? Who caused it this time?"
"Alex and I got into a small argument, that's all." Tolem replied.
"It couldn't have been small. Phai looks upset. As simple as he is, those eyes can give anything away." Phai glared at her and she glared right back. "You want to know what Alex's biggest flaw is, Phai?"
"You seem to have him figured out. Tell me." Phai countered.
"There's clearly a line on the horizon but for some reason he doesn't see it. Everyone else does."
"Nice concept. However, doesn't that just make everyone who sees the line, you know, a little dense? Food for thought."
The girl wasn't expecting him to be responsive and annoyance grew in her dark eyes. "That was supposed to be rhetorical, sweetie."
"I apologize. Maybe next time be more...persuading. Then your question would feel less like elicit information rather than a statement of effect."
Roxanne just sent him a short jeering smile then shoved by them making her way towards the shed. She walked in and leaned against the entrance as she looked around the boys little play room. Then her wicked eyes hit Alex hard. The rest knew that meant they needed to leave. Because Alex wasn't going anywhere. "Hello boys, can I have a minute with my little blonde friend?"'
"I'm blonde." Perdicas said.
"Not you. Never you." she rolled her eyes in disgust.
Alex, lost in transmission, took him awhile to even realize it was her but the boys weren't going to leave without his approval. The blonde reassured them all with a look that they could.
"We'll be outside." Crater assured him and Alex nodded.
She waited till they were gone and smiled at her ex boyfriend. Or whatever she thought they were now. "It's adorable how much your friends care for you. Aren't you going to face me?"
Alex stood and faced her. "I'm facing you, Roxanne. What do you want?"
The dark eyed girl swung her purse from her shoulder and dropped it next to the door before walking up to Alex, wrapping both arms gently around his neck. He tensed up and hardened at her touch. "You couldn't feel me then but you can feel me now." This was their first interaction since the prom. "Everything you've done to me is pretty fucked up. So naturally I'd strike back because that's just who I am." Her lips touched his ear, leaving a red mark from her bold lipstick.
He was surprised at her direct threat even when he shouldn't have been. Maybe he thought she'd change after being apart, for some reason.
"By sleeping with Cassy?" That seemed to hit a nerve because after that comment, Roxanne took her hands off of him. "How long has it been since you've had dick because that was a desperate attempt to get back at me, don't you think, Roxy?" His voice was filled with smoking arrogance. "Did you really think I'd be hurt by that? I expected that from the both of you. If it didn't happen then, it was going to happen eventually."
"Alex, my sweet gullible prince, you're hurt by everything that's out of your control. You were born receptive. You love Cassy, so yes, it did hurt you just a little. Call it what you will but I must say when he was fucking me, I thought a lot about you."
"Am I supposed to be flattered by that?"
"Flattered? No. But it gives you something to reflect on. He thought I was in it for him but men can be easily tempted, can't they?"
"Cassy is by far the most cunning and manipulative person I know so to think he didn't have an agenda behind fucking you is a little naive, Roxanne. If you ask me, he fucked you, not the other way around."
She smiled, daring him a little more. "Aren't we all just fucking each other? I'm going to make sure you feel like you're living in hell, Alex. Once you admit to yourself that you had feelings for me before you met Phai the easier the rest of your life will be."
Alex laughed and it was menacing."My life is more hell than even the devil can handle. Do your fucking worse."
"Careful." Roxanne lifted a purple nailed finger. "Think about what you just wished for."
The king leaned and whispered in Alex's ear. 'She will you know. She will devour everything you love. She will take what's yours. Don't let her.'
"You should leave, Roxanne..." Alex suggested sternly.
The king spoke again. 'Do not be like me. Do not hold back. Phai is ours. Not hers to take. We are nothing without him.'
"...before something bad happens." He finished.
Roxanne smirked and started to circle him, caressing the skin of his arm and admiring the perfect storm coursing through him. "You are so fucked up, Alex. What a wounded and demented soul you are. I can tell you're thinking about something. What are the inner voices telling you now? What are you feeling? I guess that's what I have in common with the rest of the world. We can never tell with you. You always leave us wondering. Be careful how you feel towards him, you might not feel the same way tomorrow."
"This has been fun. I almost didn't miss this. I'm going to leave and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day." Alex tried walking away but Roxanne wasn't done with him.
She clenched his white shirt and brought him against the wall. "I'm never going to be done with you."
Alex saw the intention in her eyes. They were vengeful. "You are out of your fucking mind."
Roxanne giggled against his chin. "No, Alex. You are the one who is out of his fucking mind. What are you going to do when Phai sees the real you? You might scare him away and then what? What will you have? I will be the only one waiting."
He wondered when she turned this wicked. He never thought she'd turn out this way. "I'm not fucking with you, Roxanne. Don't say his name ever again, never in front of me."
"I love the man that you've become." She said dancing thin fingers around his cock. "Are you going to hurt me again? You should really find a way to calm down that beast inside of you, Alex. I'm just trying to feel what was supposed to be mine."
"You better take a good look at me. Take a fucking look. Before you regret who you think you fell in love with. I have nothing to give you. I have no desire to love you. This game you're playing is only going to end one way. If you know me at all, you will steer clear from him. Get fucking help."
Roxanne finally backed away from him. Something about his threat had her withdraw. "Me? You are telling me to get help? You need the help, Alex. You're the reason for all of this. You're the reason for the way everyone feels. You're the reason for the things they do and being who you are you can't even own up to that."
"Roxanne, leave." He warned the girl again. He was looking right into the face of evil but he knew how to face it. He was born during a time of sin.
"I can't wait to murder your memories of Phai." Roxanne then snatched up her purse and left the shed.
All of his friends were hanging around waiting for her to leave and they finally saw her walking out. Cassy put out his cigarette and quickly stood to confront her. "What did you say?"
"Nothing harmful but you guys might want to go make sure he's okay." She hummed consolingly. "His temper is so, what's the word, rigid." But she wasn't done. Her last stop was Phai and she handed him a paper that was crumpled up. Then she strutted off with a proud smile on her face.
Phai unraveled the piece of notebook paper and read through the creases. It was a love letter that he had wrote a long time ago for Alex that he never received because Roxanne had it all along. She was now in full violation of his feelings.
"What is that?" Tolem asked. All of them were curious. It wasn't often Roxanne would give Phai any attention other than her expressing undying hatred for him. And this was one of those ways.
Phai put it away in his pocket. "Nothing."
Alex was pacing. He did not like to be threatened. He definitely didn't like the name 'Phai' leaving her foul mouth. He also did not like the fact that he couldn't hurt her. He really wanted to hurt her and the King wasn't helping by encouraging and yelling at him, telling him to make it quick and as painless as possible. His fingers were stretching in and out of fists replicating the pacing anger of the King next to him.
Leon and Crater were the ones to go check up on him. Normally it would have been Phai and Tolem but Tolem couldn't face Alex at the moment because of all the hateful things he said and Phai wasn't sure what he was feeling.
"You okay, dude?" The bigger teen asked.
Alex quickly turned to them and the king was suddenly gone. "Yea. I'm good."
"Alex, you don't look good." Leon pointed out. "What did she say?"
"She said nothing. I'm fine."
"Sure?"
"Yea. I will see you guys later." Then Alex left the shed in a hurry and all of his nosy ass friends were still there trying to look inconspicuous. He said nothing to them and walked back towards the neighborhood.
"What did she say to him?" Cassy asked Crater. "Why is this such a goddamn mystery?"
"He didn't say." Crater responded. "But clearly it was enough to make him walk."
"I can't believe not one us, listened in on them. What kind of friends are we?" Phil commented taking all of it less seriously than the rest.
"He looked pale." It was the first thing Leon acknowledged. "I'm worried about him."
"Go talk to him. You're one of his closest friends." Perdicas suggested to Crater because Phai and Tolem were seemingly out of commission.
Crater shook his head. "Fuck that. I love Alex but not when he's in a mood. Cleitus, you go. You've known him the longest."
"Sending Cleitus to deal with an easily tempered Alex is the equivalent to sending a clown to a funeral. Bad idea." Cassy hastily remarked.
Cleitus nodded in agreement. "He's right. I'll make things worse on accident."
"The best thing for him right now would be to leave him alone. Give him time." Tolem said. "I think that's what he wants from all of us."
"Oh, okay, so you two are better now? That's cute. Nothing like a good friendship to make things all better." Cassy affronted.
"It was one fucking fight!" Tolem stated in annoyance at the green eyed man.
"A fight you started." Cassy continued to condemn.
"When did you start caring about him? All you ever do is fight him any chance you get."
Cassy grinned heavily. "We're mortal enemies. It's our destiny to fight."
"And it's my destiny to kick you in your fucking mouth."
"Pfft, spare me, Tols. You couldn't hurt a fucking fly."
"Guys, shut the fuck up! What the fuck is going on with us? Why are we fighting all of a sudden?" Leon shouted over them. "We're friends and we're better than this. We all care about Alex and it's hard because he can be stubborn but I'm a worried about him."
"We are all worried about him." Phil enforced. "But stubborn is an understatement. He is more complex than the human brain. He's a hot goddamn mess."
"There's why he doesn't talk to us or open up more. Because we don't take his feelings seriously." Leon said at the realization. Then he sat back down away from the rest of the group. It all made sense now. They always joked around with his feelings and judged him on any emotion he'd feel at the time. Alex wasn't stupid. He saw things deeper than anyone. He's seen his generals, his own friends betray him before. Call it a gift but that was one of the shitty things about the infinite amount of the past he could see through his eyes. The future made it hard for him to live pass it.
"This isn't about us anymore, guys. It's about her." Crater mentioned. "He gets this way around her. All the time. I've noticed it more lately. And she's not going anywhere anytime soon."
"You used to be able to control that." Phil said to Phai. "Can you talk to him?"
"Alex doesn't need controlling. He's not a animal. He needs space." Phai replied in confidence. He was clearly upset about the whole Roxanne thing, too. They wondered what it was she gave him. "This is new to me, too." Phai was beginning to recognize the king Alex from normal Alex. One he could calm and control. The other he was afraid to even try. "He'll get over it." It was fear that he was feeling. Not of Alex in particular but the fear of losing something he so longed to keep. Their relationship would never be the same again but he knew the best thing to do was just swallow the fear of losing him completely.
"That's unlike you." Cassy said intentionally trying to get a rise out of him. He wanted to see Phai at his worse. If it was anything like Alex they were all fucked. "To just give up on him without even trying."
Phai was quick to an angry response which the green eyed boy regretted right away. "Why do you always assume I can control the way he feels and thinks? I was never able to. Why the fuck do you think we're not together? You want Alex to feel better? You want him happy again? Then kill that fucking bitch and send her head to him as a birthday gift." Then they watched him storm off.
They never thought they would hear something so severe and dangerous come from Phai but the blue eyes were serious. How could he not be? Roxanne's presence alone was a virus. It spread rapidly and suddenly everyone was in a pissy mood. It had been gloomy out lately.
Seeing Alex upset in ways unknown to him gave Cassy some pleasure. But when he saw Phai upset it made him alive. He was responsive. Cassy could kill Roxanne with no remorse and he would gladly do it for Phai.
The Lost Days, India
Hephaistion released himself from thought. He opened his eyes and refused to run away so he went to attack one man but was stricken by another. He stayed balanced and looked at the skin of his bicep where he was pierced. Another spear from another direction was jabbed his way and he hit it out of the way with his dull dagger and snapped the spear in half with a hard swing down the middle. That alone took his energy and he found himself back on one knee struggling to breathe. Agility, stamina, prowess seemed to fail him all at once. He blinked through the beads of sweat that trickled down his face from the fever that never went down. It was foolish to even attempt to save himself and his enemies knew it. With in and out blurred vision, faintness, the constriction in his stomach, the throbbing pulse in his leg, the poison that hadn't left him yet? His King, if alive would have claimed nothing was more magnificent.
Another enemy ran up on, ready to pierce through this spine.
You were born to fight for me. The voice rung in his head like a silent song. Survive, my love. I am the only one allowed to take you alive.
Bruised and winded, Hephaistion peeked through the uneven strands of hair that they had chopped away. And he saw him. He saw Alexander standing there, watching him. He was sparkling and shining and he appeared fully alive. He was happy, joyful and carefree just like he used to be before the responsibilities of the throne. His aura blazed brighter than the sun itself and it woke the general up. It stirred through his veins, livening his collapsed senses.
Now, sapphire eyes were unreadable and held no fear. There was enough insanity left in them to give him the strength to make it out alive. He was a prisoner of war, this is what he lived for and he wasn't going down until they knew the taste of blood. Until they knew that taking something so precious from him was an unwise thing to do.
He stormed inside the house passing both parents and went straight to his room. Phillip was watching the TV while lifting weights and his mom was on her Bluetooth talking to a friend of hers. He was so pissed he didn't even take into consideration that his mom had any friends or that his dad did anything for his health.
Both parents stopped and looked at each other hearing a bunch of ruckus upstairs and a door slamming shut.
"What is he doing?" Olympias quietly mouthed at him.
Phillip shrugged. "Go check it out." He whispered back.
"You go check it out. I'm on the phone."
"He loves you more."
"Yes but when he's in one of his destructive moods I rule myself out. It's your duty as a father to handle that shit." Then she turned her attention back to her friend. "Are you still there? Great."
Phillip put down both 50 pound dumbbells and walked toward the end of the stairs. "Alex! Keep it down! Your mother is on the phone!"
Alex couldn't find what he was looking for. He then went to his bed and looked under it. There was nothing. He got back up and flipped over his mattress. Nothing.
He paced again. Then he sat frustrated and grabbed his phone. He ran his hand through his hair and opened a text she had sent him. It was a winky face emoji. He couldn't seem to avoid her even if he tried. Then he completely lost his shit. His chest was hurting and his head was pounding. If it was a heart attack, it wouldn't kill him anyway. The shitty thing about him being pissed was that he wasn't the only one pissed. He was in control of one other person and that was the king who was far more passionate and far harder to control. So a lot of the destruction was King Alexander himself.
"Oh that fucking bitch. That fucking bitch!" He growled and tossed his phone at the wall. It didn't help the pain accruing in his chest so he closed his eyes and sat on the floor at the end of the neatly made bed he's never slept in, waiting for the adrenaline to die away.
After the rush, he was down for now from the rage. Everything else was just leftover anguish. He looked around at the mess he made then heard his dad calling again. But he didn't answer. But it was quieter now.
Alex stood up holding his chest where his heart seemed to be hurting and picked up the cell phone where it crashed. Luckily, it wasn't broken. Cracked but not broken. Then he grabbed the key to his car from his bed and headed downstairs. His parents were staring at him at the bottom astonished by what just happened.
Phillip frowned. "Hormones, Alex?"
"You're so clueless." Alex scowled.
"Can't you just pick a mood?"
"Yep, because that's how that works."
"Honey, we're just worried about you." Olympias thought she'd take over.
"I'm fine."
"You destroyed your entire room. What the fuck do you call that if not hormones?" Phillip asked.
"Maybe the temper I inherited from the both of you." Alex replied.
"That's not fair, honey." Olympias huffed.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll clean up when I get home later."
"What's wrong with your chest?" Phillip looked at him with a suspicious thought.
"I hurt myself during my...tantrum." Alex concluded. Then shortly snickered. "I'll see you later."
Alex left the house and got into his car. He thought about going somewhere but didn't know where. He didn't really think it through yet and he was low on gas. He always forgot to get gas.
I told you. This built up rage will end you.
Alex looked at the King in the passenger seat. "Leave me alone."
'Calm down your beating heart before you don't have one anymore.'
"I can't find it." That could have meant his heart medicine or his heart in general.
Phai opened the passenger side to Alex's car and glared hard at him. "Alex." He said as gentle but as strict as possible.
"What?" The blonde answered aggressively forgetting who it was.
"Do not answer me like that." It was like trying to tame a wild lion. Not everybody could. But Phai was special. "Let's go somewhere." Phai continued. "You need to cool off."
"Where? I feel like I can't go anywhere. I feel trapped, Phai!" He blared in agonizing exasperation grabbing at his hair due to the inability to get him out of his head and from the back of his throat.
Phai had to be the one to stay calm or they would both end up having mental breakdowns. There was no easy way to soothe him and he was already on the verge. He was driving himself mad. Literally.
"What's keeping you from going anywhere that you want?"
"You mean who? He's the reason for all of this, Phai. My drinking, my violent fetish, my hate for myself. He's the reason why I feel so dead and sick inside all the time. He's the reason why I can't have you. Why do you love him? He's done nothing but cause you pain. Let him die."
Phai could see it now. What Tolem spoke about. It was like looking at some completely different man. It changed and it was sad and sadistic. Alex wasn't joking when he said he was his own worst enemy. But he also couldn't tell if he was talking to him or the general in his dreams.
"Let's just walk, okay. You don't have to talk about what happened. You don't have to tell me what she said. You don't even need to try to forget. Let's just go calm down somewhere. We both need it. It's been one of those days. You can shout if you want, you can cry if you want but don't let down your guard around her because I do not like seeing you this way. Now turn off your car because you're not going to drive in the condition that you're in. We'll go get gas later."
If anyone could make him forget, it was Phai. Phai slammed the car door and waited for Alex to get out. The blonde hesitated, seeming anxious. Phai was always direct with him but never this direct. Alex jumped out of the truck. Phai walked up to him and placed a hand on his chest where his heart vigorously pumped. "You're having another panic attack."
"I have pills for it but I don't know where they are. I destroyed my room looking for them."
"You told me that you were okay, the last time you went to the doctor."
"I didn't want you to worry."
"I'm way passed worrying. If I had anxiety over this, I'd be dead. Why do you make yourself this angry if this is the result?"
"It finds me easy."
"Well, I don't appreciate the way you treat yourself."
Alex gave Phai a weird but obedient look. "I'm relaxed now."
"No you're not. I can still feel it."
Alex smiled at how cute Phai was even if it was built from frustration. "I hate to break it to you, but as long as your hand is there, you're always going to feel it."
Phai blushed and removed his hand.
"I don't mean to be difficult, Phai."
"I know." Phai understood. "You're just a naturally complex being."
"Does Tolem hate me?" Alex asked. Aside from Roxanne, that was the biggest thing on his mind. He didn't want Tolem to hate him.
"No." Phai shook his head gracefully. "He could never hate you. He just wants to understand you better. The way you are will always frighten others..."
"But?" Alex knew there was a 'but'. There was always a 'but'.
You will always be perfect. You will always be the best thing about me. I'll always love you. Even if you never know...
Phai sighed. They stared at each other for a minute. He couldn't say what he really felt. It would just hamper the way things were meant to be. "Nothing." he softly smiled. "Let's walk now."
...because love really is a mystical thing.
The Lost Days, India
Hephaistion dodged the point of the spear and plunged at the incoming enemy, followed by the knife through his neck. He ripped the weapon out and red fresh blood splattered across his face and spilled into his mouth. Before challenging the other remaining nine he threw the now dead man to the wet land and waited until they charged him first before anticipating their inevitable death. They motioned toward him exactly the way he predicted they would and he swiftly made adjustments against the attacks. He was rusty, but the enemy were sloppy. The general chucked a lance that he had captured from another he managed to kill, through the stomach of one but was swiped at behind the legs and he fell on his back. He tried reaching for the knife that had slipped during the fall but was pinned through the middle of his hand and into the soft soil.
He screamed out and it ruptured the air and the seven, lingered around. One of them bent down and hit the general in the face as hard as he could almost knocking him unconscious from the collision of the fist to his head. Hephaistion, with his good leg, kicked that man back and he went stumbling, then he quickly shuffled his weight to his knees, and used any strength to rip the timber spear from his hand. Before he could set himself free, hands tried seizing him once again and he shielded himself with one arm above his head. They could have killed him five times already but for some reason they chose to kick and beat him while he was stuck in one place. It must have been fun to them.
They tried forcing his arm away from his face as if to expose him to other beatings but in an unexpected result, he thrusted out his bent arm, feeling the damage and shattering of a broken nose at his elbow. Then he leaped upward and bit the ear from the one who had stuck him to the ground. Again, it was a good attempt but there were still more of them versus one of him.
But they released him when they heard the deep growl and snarl from an Asiatic lion. The Indians scattered away for a new resistance, aiming now away from their captive and at the royal animal. It paced the men but kept its claws hidden and teeth displayed. It must have heard the clamor and smelt the fleshy tissue.
The general saw this as a 'timing is everything' type of situation and counted his blessing. While they were distracted, he slowly removed the spear from his hand and suppressed any pain that followed. He took it with the hand that still had physical capability and crawled away from the enemy who were jabbing their long thin weapons at the ambitious beast. He held the weapon close and watched from behind the tree the fearless lion taking on the seven warriors.
He tried to take as many breaths as possible before he ran away or finished them off or whatever it was he planned on doing. His rib cage felt just about ready to collapse inside of him, the small incisions all over his body were opening up a little more with each breath, his bleeding hand was twitching as he held it close to his chest and his leg, the worst wound yet, was traumatized through the recent struggle. Hephaistion couldn't get far. Either the Indians would find him and finally kill him or the lion would find him and finish him off. He wasn't capable of standing up to all. But he also wasn't going to die there either.
The determined man progressed his way over to the tents as quiet as he could and entered one. He saw the boy who helped him earlier with another younger boy and girl, sitting together in the corner looking scared. Where there were kids, there should have been mothers and wives but he hadn't seen any women. They must have been slaves somewhere or dead. It was a difference, seeing the innocence compared to the men they would become.
The general came up to them and started pleading and asking for help, hoping they understood. They did. They knew what panic was. It was easy to know what the beaten man needed. And the boy pointed. Hephaistion looked over at the sack hanging on a clasp and went to go dig through it. It had the green leafy ointment blended in a bamboo bowl and he began to apply it to his leg again and to his hand. It was an interesting concoction, nothing like he had back at home. It cooled down the pain after a couple of minutes and then he proceeded to wrap both wounds with any clean cloth he could find. He lamely moved back over to the kids and told them to stay put and keep quiet in their language. Hephaistion was a quick learner. The three kids nodded and watched the man limp his way out of the tent with the spear he was going to kill the rest of the enemy with.
The 400 pound lion had already ripped the throat out of one of them while the others pierced it and stabbed it. The lion ran away after it's first kill and a few injuries and when it retreated, the general advanced. He snuck up behind one of the Indians who was still absorbed in the lion attack, and struck him in the back right at his lung. With a strong and angry grunt, the general snatched it out and was pleased at the sound of the skin ripping open when he twirled the spear at his exposed throat. The fifth one ran up on him, wielding his lance and waved down on him. Hephaistion blocked it with his own, stepped closer into him, grabbing his wrist and snapping it back, causing him to cry out and drop the spear. Hephaistion kicked it out of the way and jammed the spear down the mans mouth and it exited the back of his skull. He steadied himself and the remaining four ran up on him, one with a weapon ready to aim. He tossed it and the blue eyed man dropped to the ground, dodging it by inches. His headache must have gone. He was seeing a lot better as he rolled over to the spear that had missed him and slapped away two more strikes that came straight for him. He tossed the long stick aside and took the knife they used to shed his hair and came up to the third man, slicing open his neck like a sacrificial animal. He removed the knife and threw it at the second to last man, flinging it into his heart. Knowing they were all dead but one he just ended up giving up. His body wanted him to. Hephaistion dropped to the ground. He could bask in the small moment of freedom before dying where he was. The last one strolled up to him, ready to pierce him through his throat but was attacked by the lion that had crept up on him.
Not caring at all, he just watched the animal drag the mauled man back into the jungle. He was going to die out there anyway. He began to laugh because what was all that for? The gods must have been laughing back. It didn't matter, the general was never on their side. Alexander was going to replace them all, anyway. He was greater than any god. They stood no chance against his might.
Hephaistion stopped his delirious laughter when he heard the lion come back for him. He turned his head. It was sniffing away at the dead bodies but not eating them. He already ate as blood and meat drooled from its yellow fangs. He looked at the cat and the cat looked at him. It wasn't challenging him in anyway and it just lounged like a typical lazy cat on the forest ground, breathing heavily and looking around. The general slowly leaned up, trying not to make any sudden movement but the cat didn't seem to care about him.
"Where did you come from?" The general asked the animal as it licked away at its bloody paw.
"Hey! I'm talking to you!" He threw a twig at it but the lion shook out his black mane and that was it.
"Fine." The general went back to laying down. "Don't answer me. You're going to die shortly after I do anyway."
The lion got back up on all fours and prowled closer to the weakened man and sat at his foot. Hephaistion didn't flinch and he wasn't scared. He studied animals so he knew their behaviors. Just like the Indians, if the cat wanted him dead, he'd be dead.
Hephaistion looked over at the bleeding punctures of the animal and sadly frowned. "Where's your pride to lick away at your wound? Big cats rarely go solo."
This lion looked like an outsider. But his mane was bold and big meaning he must have been a strong and healthy alpha. "Did you lose your way, too? You must have. Why are you roaming the jungle alone? Alexander liked lions. He liked cats. He once told me that he wishes to be one in another life after death. Are you him? Is that why you're not eating me?"
The lion grunted.
"Do you even know who Alexander is?"
The lion kept him company a little longer while the man asked it questions it didn't understand. Then the general nodded off after boring himself.
'Phai, my love. You must find me.'
The general quickly jerked away and the lion was no longer there. But Alexander was, looking sweetly down at him.
"I can't go any further."
'Without you, I am nothing. Phai, find me."
"I've reached my end. My destiny is to sit here, and be devoured by you." The general moped.
'You can hold me once you have me. The day has reached the end. You need to run.'
"I told you, I can't. My leg, Alexander. You told me my thighs will outlast anything. I guess you were wrong about something."
'Hephaistion.' The king reached out his hand. 'Let's end this, tonight, so that you may see a new sunrise rising in the east. I need you to save me. You need to run."
He blinked and the King was gone but the lion was waiting at his foot. It roared as if to sway him to get up the same way Alexander would use fear or force to influence others. He took control and that's what he needed Hephaistion to do right now.
Then the lion turned its nimble muscular body away from him and dashed down the path he knew his king would be. It felt like he was chasing a dream when the general removed himself from the ground and followed the lion. "Wait, where are you going?" He got himself to run. He couldn't lose sight of him. Not again.
It was his destiny to find his king. Today. As he followed the lion into the light before it came completely down.