Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Thirty Seven
Part Three
/
Macedonian Headquarters, India
Ptolemy was accompanied by Perdicas and Leonnatus as they entered the main council tent where they met Cassander and Craterus. It was only the five of them for the verdict by Cassander's proposal. The less the people knew, the better, but only for the time being.
Ptolemy, already knowing where Cassander stood, glared unsmiling at the green eyed man, who sat at the far end of the imperial table awaiting them with his signature insensible gaze and careless posture.
"Welcome back." Craterus greeted his returned friend before taking a seat.
"It brings me joy to know that you returned safely." Cassander spoke freely but the words slipping from his tongue weren't sincere. "I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if we were to up and leave you behind. Close call, wasn't it?" The last part was obvious mockery.
Ptolemy, Leonnatus and Perdicas said nothing, just sharing the same bothered expression. He had already expressed irritably how he felt about Ptolemy not saying a word of his return. He felt there were secrets being kept from him.
"You should sit for this." Cassander waved generously his hand over the many vacant seats.
"We ought to be used to this." Perdicas scoffed to himself and sat unwillingly and Leonnatus just looked to Ptolemy, cocked eyebrow and eyes fueled in negation. The curled haired general nodded to the sandy haired one and to avoid any confrontation they also seated themselves.
Tensions were surely to arise as Cassander noted their manners of distrust and defiance. "Let's hope this doesn't take longer than it should but that would be completely up to you." He smiled haughtily at the three. "Short and sweet."
Ptolemy wasn't blind to how prominent the green eyed general's arrogance became now that Alexander was no longer around. Alexander had moments of overconfidence and superiority. But he had to establish himself among a conventional and reputable army. And before his position as ruler of the world, he was mocked and shitted on by the veterans of the army, calling him girl and laughing at his height and his neck defect. Alexander had to be the big, the bad and the ugly and that he became with ease and to the surprise of all. In fact, they all had flaunted arrogance. They were men. With Cassander, it was different. This was a scheming pride. He knew Cassander had always wanted the throne, no doubt talked into it by his father, Antipater, but other than not many respecting him, he was too young and not ready to rule men suitably or sensibly.
Ptolemy nodded to the both of them before speaking. "As you know now, I have returned with both Alexander and Hephaistion."
"What of their health?" Craterus asked, afraid of the answer.
"Philip examined Hephaistion just last night when I returned. He's in the middle of healing and it could take long before he is ready to fight again. Plenty of rest and a short of persistence, he will heal just fine. His mind may never be right but he can be on the field again. Alexander, we've been told is alive when he shouldn't be. I witnessed his final death myself when I helped Hephaistion pull him from the bottom of a drowning pool."
"How did he end up there?" Craterus was holding back any anger. Nothing more could have been prevented and that's where the anger stemmed from. He should have been there but what good would it have done?
Ptolemy didn't blame him for feeling what he felt. He was a good friend to the king so to figure out what stopped a living god from breathing was going to be difficult to hear. "He had been under for days. He was put there by Indian men who were not associated with Porus or the noble Indian monarchy. It's who we thought originally kidnapped him to begin with. It ended up just being free barbarians and possibly an enemy tribe of Porus."
"The king is officially dead?" Craterus shook his head refusing to believe it.
"Maybe not official." Ptolemy anticipated. "What I saw in the jungle tells me Alexander still lives."
"What exactly did you see?" Cassander didn't quite believe the story. "Or are you trying to buy Alexander some time?"
"A fire, out of nowhere burning a wet land to the ground." Ptolemy spoke up with a bit of hostility. "That's what I saw. We didn't know what it meant. But it can't be coincidence. Phillip examined him and told us he still has life in him and that he's just undergoing a paralysis state of being. To the naked eye, we would presume him dead but he's not."
"How is that possible?" Craterus asked with the same reaction as them when they first heard it.
"We can't be sure but Philip maintains belief that it could be some kind of miracle. Due to uncertainty, he demands non-problematic entrance to his tent to keep a close eye on him for any progress we may have missed. He had already offered a partial account on what physical functions we should watch out for, signs of life and signs of absolute death. Because of this, we need to remain here a little longer."
The room became quiet at the mystification of the tale. Only Alexander, Craterus chuckled to himself. "This changes everything, Cassander." Craterus affirmed directing contact with the green eyed general.
"This changes nothing." Cassander hissed. "I have yet to speak with Philip directly and to see the body for myself as do you, Craterus. Eyes, when you've been without something for so long, can play tricks on you."
"This isn't some ploy, Cassander." Ptolemy spoke strongly. "Maybe it would be good for you, to see him. The both of you. Decide and see what you wish to see."
Cassander sighed, forcefully. "Since you've been away, Craterus and I had discussed further on what to do with the people and Alexander was not included."
What's the problem now? He's back, so incorporate him back into plan." Leonnatus advised boldly.
"We've won the Battle of Hydapes." Craterus stepped in. "Officially but barely, due to the king being injured and out. And with him not being able to transmit any orders and commands, luckily Porus and Alexander, before the fight, had an understanding. I was sent in place of the king to make allies with Porus and his kingdom. Alexander would have wanted him to be treated compassionately especially since he was deemed formidable. King Porus has been reinstated as satrap of his own domain and we have granted him dominion over some land branching out over the southeast. Like all of us, he wishes for Alexander to be restored back to health. Our men have gathered and readied for the travel ahead. We've decided we will move at sunrise. Let's get these people home and that now includes Alexander." The bigger general added.
"Wouldn't it be simpler to lay him to rest, honor him and then move on? Why keep already unmotivated people hopeful?"
"You presume Alexander is dead?" Leonnatus asked the only opposing general.
"Not dead, but soon to be. No offense to his excellence but without Alexander vigilant and ready to act as leader and regulate the new world, his nobility no longer resides. Order has already emerged into disorder all because he had to go missing."
"I was under the impression that we were summoned here so that we can come to one conclusion. Unless you somehow became king overnight, this isn't your decision to make." Perdicas said in defense to Alexander.
Cassander rolled his eyes and leaned back, crossing his arms intolerantly. "Please Perdicas. I can't wait to hear your preference. Let's hear it."
Perdicas scoffed and looked away from Cassander and at Ptolemy who he would rather make the call. "Can we leave? Clearly nothing is going to get resolved, not when he's already made up his mind."
"We agreed to keep this as civil as possible. Words will be evenly distributed." Craterus scolded them all. Then he turned to the stubborn man with his arms folded high at his chest. "You will hear them out, without judgment."
"You're right." Cassander hastily undid his indecent form and leaned forward entwining his hands. "I called this privately for a reason. The court, the scribes, all other generals were dismissed as were the king's historians so that they don't meddle with all of Alexander's…glory and wonder. But before you speak, I will say, if the people do find out about Alexander's anomalous condition, and they will, there will be chaos and confusion more than there already is. What must we do to embark upon angry people? We tell them that his body was never found. They mourn and we hold a small but meaningful interment and we get the people home. I don't believe that sounds unreasonable, at all?"
"And the aftermath once we go back to Babylon?" Perdicas asked heavily.
"We give a great speech to the people and drive personal condolences to the royal wives and the satraps and all foreign ambassadors and we let them know that there was nothing we could do."
"Have you lost your sanity? There would be war for the body. Alexander himself is worth more than the land and riches we grossed. You think the people are just going to move on? We don't abandon the king or the body. A few of us will stay behind in this fucking hell of a land and shelter him until he awakens. They don't have to know the facts of why we stayed back. We just have to convince them that we set out to seek revenge for an unfound king. And if he lives we bring him back alive and the people rejoice and if he dies, we bring him back dead. Either way, he is being brought back with a grand funeral, not some small, dishonorable, goodbye." Perdicas poured out.
"The people aren't going to go anywhere if they don't see him for themselves." Ptolemy included wisely.
"The people need to move on if they know what's best for them." Cassander replied. "Pronounce him dead, let it be the end of it."
"Or just tell them the truth." Ptolemy shrugged lightly. "Tell them that he's been found and we're doing everything that we can to restore him back to health. Heads are going to fall from the sky if they're left in the dark. That way they can decide."
"You know they won't. These men aren't capable of leading themselves."
"It sounds like to me, you're the only one who wants him to not get better? We're over here accusing the queen of the hand off but maybe it was you, who behaves so desperate to denounce Alexander." Leonnatus accused unashamedly.
Craterus moaned while dragging his hand down his face. "Here we fucking go."
"You can accuse me of anything that you want, Perdicas. I'm just not fond of the idea of keeping weary people in a place that caused their weariness. They will soon turn on us. Nineteen months in? Is a very long time in one place. It used to be the weak got left behind."
"Alexander would never approve that. We move together as a group." Craterus said.
"Alexander is the weak. And he isn't here to make any final decision!" Cassander yelled to get his point across.
"He is still fucking breathing!" Leonnatus stood and yelled back and Perdicas had to hold his friend back. Leonnatus was never the one to yell, but he's been overwhelmed lately.
Craterus lifted a firm finger to Cassander. "What the fuck did I say about civil? We're already behaving like a bunch of toddlers without a mother. I know you're tired of waiting but I would suggest, we remain here a couple more days. We listen to the practiced physician and we wait until he says the words we are all equally dreading to hear. Understood?"
"Try telling that to the men and the people who are long-suffering." Cassander reclined back, disapproving the rest of them.
"Then we take him with us during the travel and back home but we do not pronounce him dead or we split the army. A group stays here until Alexander wakens and you can go back with the weary people." Ptolemy bargained. "But you must have your cock all tight if you think for one second, I would take his life from him. Better yet, try running that by Hephaistion and I promise you, you will be in a similar condition. Do we agree to this?"
"Alexander is my friend and I would love nothing more than to see him up again. And the people, despite their suffering, won't go without him. I agree." Craterus nodded standing by Ptolemy's authority.
"My father, Coenus, Antigonus, and Seleucus trust my word." The green eyed general continued to argue.
"Polyperchon and Nearchus don't have a say?" Perdicas asked deliberately.
"They're not here to deal with the trouble." Cassander glared evilly.
"And you weren't supposed to be here either."
"I'm just doing what's best for the people. I'm giving them what they need, not what they want. And they wanted Alexander! But Alexander isn't here at the moment. I do know that Alexander would want us to go home, with or without him."
"What does it matter? There are men still trying to heal. To move them now would affect that."
"Like I said, we leave the weak and preserve the strong."
"What about Hephaistion? We just leave him behind?" Perdicas countered cruelly. He knew how Cassander felt about Alexander's favorite and cherished friend. They all knew now. Granted they were more delusions of his deep seated desires but it did silence him. Cassander wouldn't leave Hephaistion behind. He wanted the beautiful general all to himself and right now, that beautiful man, was part of the weak.
Cassander said not a word to that and changed the topic. He chuckled and shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Alexander was aware of the trouble that plagued all other nations and he joined the fight but can't seem to please his own people? What a king."
"You act as though you are a stranger to his ways? We all knew from the beginning Alexander's goal in life. Don't act stupid. You're sitting there already acclaiming yourself one? I'd rather his kingdom crumble and fall into chaos than to be ruled by you. Alexander is still king because he's still breathing. We're not going to speak of a replacement or heir. Not until he names one or dies." Leonnatus made that his last say before removing himself from the room.
They watched him go and only remained silent for a little while. To no surprise, the snaky eyed general spoke daringly first. "How long can we keep a sleeping king breathing? We need to regain regency."
"We're going to need to name a successor, in case." Craterus disputed and he sounded drained and over it. "If he does pass, we need to come to an agreement about where we stand."
"My father and I will do well retaining regency over Greece and Macedonia."
"Even I would serve better as regent than you, Cassander." Perdicas remarked.
The two men resorted back to arguing and bickering until Ptolemy swiftly ended it.
"Enough. Didn't he tell us, we'd be divided at the news of his death? How disappointed would he be, knowing we're breaking alliances he worked so hard to bind? And friendships? We used to be brothers in arms and now look at us, already becoming enemies."
"It doesn't matter because he's asleep during a conflict he needs to answer for."
There was some truth in Cassander's words and tempers finally cooled.
"We used to complain then, when we'd argue like this, but it was an easier time when Alexander would look us dead in the eye with that cocky grin and tell us no. And he'd say it before we'd even speak or suggest our strategy, already knowing how wrong we were." Perdicas thought over. "And now, without him here, we can't even rule ourselves. Pathetic."
"Maybe we need to find one voice." Craterus suggested because they weren't agreeing too much of anything and were thrashing out instead. "I suggest, the decision should be made by Hephaistion. We need to hear him out. He knows the king better than any of us and if we're honest, Alexander would have left it up to Hephaistion, nevertheless."
Cassander sent the bigger general a ridiculed look. "When did you start admiring the pretty one?"
"When he brought the king back after we said it couldn't be done. He's the reason Alexander is found and alive. You tell me who deserves to decide Alexander's fate?"
"The gods. Hephaistion has already proven time and time again, illogical with his love. We're going to trust that man to tell us the fate of Alexander? He'd rot there and die before he leaves his side. He only cares about him and nothing and no one else." Cassander opposed once more and it was the first and only thing Perdicas agreed with him about. They weren't quite sure where Hephaistion's head was at.
"Who should he care about?" Ptolemy asked them all explicitly. "Tell me? We never cared for him and he never cared for us. He's right to only care about him. It's why Alexander lives. It's why he might finally wake up. He will because Hephaistion provides that strength. I know what Alexander has done for me but what have the rest of us done to strengthen our king?"
/
His men stood before him after he had called them all before the battle that would end them all. They were worn and torn from the brutal travels and what felt like inexhaustible battles, visibly dreading what was ahead. They just knew by the murky shine in his eyes that there was more to come. They may never see an end. Not till death. But they gathered around their king nevertheless who was equally worn and torn but to no surprise to them, he was unwavering. He wouldn't reveal it. Not ever. Nothing but death would stop him and though it was far behind, it would soon be near. So near.
"I know what you all think. You suppose I am unfit to be your king and that I have somehow fallen deeply into a dark world with no real end." The king began, with a voice strapping and coarse. But they spotted the frailty following it. "I see what I have done to you. I see revulsion. I see weariness. I see hatred. I see departure. I am not mistaken. I see what you feel. But let me say to you, I would not be here without your voice putting a stop to any wrong I may have caused. I hear you scold me when I am badly informed. I feel you when you tie me down when a new prideful me arises. I do not wish for a worse Alexander to transpire. It's why I need you. I always needed you. My men should not fear me because of emotions I can not direct. I care for you all deeply and my empire, my victories, my riches, my love, it all belongs to you, long before it belongs to me. I will share it as long as you desire it and as long as you fight for it. If you're by my side, you are also Alexander. You've heard it before. We are all Alexander. We're victorious because of all of you who stand as one. We're the greatest this world has seen because I have the greatest men the world will ever see. The enemy fears you because you don't back down from danger much bigger than yourself and we've fought big. You don't run away with your tail between your legs like we've seen many times before. They bark at us and we growl in return. They raise their daggers and we raise our swords. We are lions and they are sheep!" The men lifted their hands and voices toward the sky in riled liveliness and Alexander nodded to that. He waited until they quieted down to continue. "You may think my ambition will never end. You may think my ambition will kill us all. But my ambition ends when I see a world fit for all of us. Not just for me. For all kinds and for all people who share the same dream. We deserve a united and free world. The gods owe it to us for all the hard labor and bloodshed that has been spilled. They owe it to our loved ones and lost ones for everything they established as valuable. They owe it to the dead, to the living and to the perishable. To merge night and day, to be taught different traditions and bond all civilization, it's been a reoccurring dream of mine since I was told it was possible by my courageous and bold father. And if we can't unite all nations then what are we but a waste of beating hearts, blood and men? What would be the point of the sweat and the tears and the fury that guide us to drive a sword through a heart? What drives you men? Tales of the gods? Pleasure from infidelity? Being seated on a mountain of treasure? To stay divided is to stay weak. We don't need more casualties and haven't we suffered enough? But to reach out and touch and give to the remaining world less fortunate, that is parity. Greed isn't going to sustain us. Power isn't forever. But peace and order can live on. If my kingdom crumbles once I am dead and gone, we have failed and freedom will be disrupted for all. A king isn't born. He is made. We can all be kings and queens of the remainder world but we can't if we keep falling in love with the things in life that destroy men. You break my heart, all of you. You're afraid? Afraid? No one has gone this far before, of course you're afraid. I'm afraid with you. But we are only weeks away from our root home. Once we win this battle, we can say, we've done it all. All great victories fade but if you turn away now, you'll stale and you will always be remembered as the men who left their king in Asia to die alone with no army at his back. I will continue on with or without you, my pride speaks for itself, but as a simple man, and as your equal, I need you at my side because I can not do it alone. I won't do it alone. I can not be strong every minute of my life but together...
Then he fixed free eyes on the one he called his and stared in amazement. …we can be strong forever. This is not the end. I promise."
\
Alex came back from the moment in time. Then he was back to the real life of his bedroom. He was sprawled across his bed, with earphones in, staring at the top of the room, wondering where all of his energy went. Well, he didn't have to wonder. It went with his vision. If he could just now close his eyes and drift into a forever sleep, then nothing would matter.
Just a Man by Faith No More played from his play list. He was only the third song in and no time was wasted at all. It was noon but it was noon exactly two hours ago. He recently got back from eating lunch with Phai but now he was fighting time while dissolving just to get by. To be awake for everything made time seem like a slow motioned picture. He felt he was being persecuted in the worse kind of way. But the only person he could talk to was a little busy. That was the feeling of having all the time in the world, the feeling of slowly melting away.
But he was left alone and his imagination could run wild. Like feeling up on himself. Because why not? Phai didn't let him come at all so it was something he could do with his free time. With no second thought, Alex slid his hand inside of his pants and closed his eyes thinking he could just stroke and cum quick because he was already at the edge of coming anyway. Phai had not been kind to him. And thinking of Phai in sexual, pitying ways, whimpering and being fucked senseless didn't help the longevity of the moment and he came as fast as he thought he would and that seemed to drain him even more. But he couldn't just lie there in his own seed until it dried up. He'd die of boredom before his ever anticipated brain malfunction.
Alex thought he'd be more productive and showered and dressed and prepared himself for the remainder left of the day and went down the stairs and strolled right over to his dad who was lying on the couch with an ice pack on his head and an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
Phillip was half sleeping half moaning in pain from a very bad hangover and also still in his clothes from the night before which meant the night had to have gone well.
Alex slapped his leg to get his attention. "Wake up. I'm bored. Let's go do something."
Phillip growled kicking away at his overzealous son. "Go on your own. I need time to myself."
"You always need time to yourself." Alex stated but couldn't say he was disappointed. His father was really good at disappointing him.
"For good reason." The disoriented man mumbled.
"Doesn't all of this alone time just make you feel incomplete and hollow?"
Phillip peeked out from under his arm that he covered his face with to block away the light and his son. "There is solitude behind being independent."
"Yea but I want to be done with the solitude part. I don't need solitude right now."
"Go read a book. Or go hang out with your friends. They have no lives." Phillip tried rolling over to where his back was facing Alex instead trying to make it more obvious he wanted to be left alone.
"I don't want that. I need a dad right now that I can talk to because I've done something stupid."
That got his attention almost immediately. "Aw, fucking clickbait." Phillip removed the ice pack and glared at Alex who was looking sadly guilty. "Did you fuck up with Phai?"
Alex heavily frowned wondering why that was the first thing he guessed. "A little but that's not what it's about."
"Good. Because I don't want to have to tell his dad that he was wrong about you. What the fuck did you do then?"
Next thing they knew they were at an art museum. Alex never knew it until now but his father loved the arts.
"So you drank a whole lot and woke up on the side of the road like a drunken idiot? Way to go. I raised you perfectly." Phillip sneered.
Alex shrugged. "How was I supposed to know that would happen?"
"Because it's something that happens when you're deeply intoxicated. And you're my son. Think about it."
"I guess you would know."
Phillip scoffed at the backhanded remark. "Our relationship has always been a little strained but even I can tell you, I do the whole drunk bit better."
"You have years experience. I'm still getting used to the taste." Alex didn't oppose.
"You're not supposed to get used to the taste. That's the part you ignore."
"You're not helping." Alex groaned moving away the scanty bangs in his face.
"You wanted me to hear you out and I'm here, hearing you out. My stress eats me from the inside. Don't let the worm eat your outer layer first." Phillip advised.
"Are those words of wisdom? Does it matter where the worm starts to eat you if it eventually kills us?" Alex glowered.
"I guess not. But wouldn't you rather be torn apart from the inside?" Phillip looked at Alex and Alex looked at him with the most annoyed look on his face.
Then the blonde shrugged indifferently to the dispute. "Probably not. Not a fan of internal bleeding. It's the worst."
Phillip chuckled at Alex's cynical answer. "Agree to disagree."
They were sitting at a bench just looking at a dark aged painting of a war piece in front of them. Phillip was more drawn to it and Alex didn't think much of it at all. But he couldn't say he was looking for any deeper meaning.
"What do you think of it?" Phillip asked seemingly fascinated by it, catching his son a little off guard.
Alex looked at his father again with one brow raised. "Are you serious?"
"Yea. You wanted to spend time with me so we're going to talk about this damn art piece. What do you think?"
Alex looked back at the canvas. It was an ancient general among a black war horse. "Nothing special. It doesn't resonate with me." He flatly replied after a minute of halfass reflection.
"Art resonates with everyone." Phillip rebuked.
"There is just a man, upon a horse, wielding a sword. There's nothing else around him. No landscape, no heroes or soldiers surrounding him, not even a single enemy. Just darkly painted canvas. I don't see the importance of this man. Looking at him, I know nothing."
"You're not looking hard enough, Alex. It's a portrait. Look at the colors blended in the background. You see a little bit of yellow-orange, which could represent light, sun, hope, and then it merges deeper into a rich wine shade which could symbolize royalty, ambition and power. He must be a king or a man well respected and loved. And then it graduates into black and all that is left is darkness."
"Which means what?" Alex asked, trying to see what his dad saw. He couldn't believe that his dad was giving him a lesson on art importance.
"He's alone. He's a fighter among himself. He's brave and loyal and strong and powerful but there is no one in his life to reveal his brilliance and his excellence anymore. They've disappeared. He's alone in a world he created. Humanity doesn't exist because humanity can never reach his level. Everything is so vacant and voluminous around him because he is his own black hole. Once you're stuck like him, there is no going back. He can't be who he is because who he is, is destruction. He doesn't need enemies and heroes and landscapes painted around him because he is his own worst enemy, he is his own hero and his own landscape. To be infinite in a world that's not, it's a scary place to be."
Alex nodded seeing more into it now but not from the actual image but through his father. "All that depth and insight from this simplistic piece? It might as well be made a puzzle."
Phillip sighed. "It's not simple. There's nothing simple about it. This is how you remind me, Alex. Carrying on pretending that nothings wrong. Exactly like this king upon his horse."
"I was going to say that it reminded me of you."
"Maybe during a different life, during different events. I'm not just a temperamental, cheating, lying and violent alcoholic, Alex. I'm other things."
"Like what?" Alex truly wondered. He's only ever known his dad as all of those things.
"Not sure."
Alex laughed a little. "Well that was super anti-climatic."
Phillip laughed back. "Anti climatic is what you get when you expect more from me."
They looked back at the painting. Now it was coming alive for Alex. He could touch it and then dream it. But it was out of his reach. It would just slip through his fingers and nothing would be there anymore. He hated that part. It made him feel like he was being fed a very realistic stimulation. He just felt high all the time.
"I'm an artist, you know. I used to paint and draw, abstract mostly." Phillip smiled proudly. "But my father ended up burning all of my art after my mom died. She was the only one who supported it and they fought about why I should be an artist and why I shouldn't. It became an useless skill to have in a home that couldn't figure it out, so I stopped. I also used to sing and I swept ladies off their feet with my voice. I was another Jim Morrison. A poet and lyricist at heart."
Alex chuckled again. "You used to mock my singing voice. You called me a girl for doing it. You even said singing was for pussies. Now you're comparing yourself to a famous musician?"
Phillip nodded. "That's what my father told me, to love music was a girly thing to like. But I love to sing. I used to sing to your mother and she would sing to you to help sooth you when you wouldn't sleep. You have vocals and musical talent and the both of us to thank for that. You know the piano in the house that I keep covered?"
"Yea, the one you tell me not to play because it's an antique you paid so much for?"
"Your mom and I got it for you for your thirteenth birthday."
Alex angrily glared at him. "Why would you not tell me that? You know I love playing the fucking piano!"
"You think I wanted to hear you pounding on those keys every time you pulled a fit? I'll stick to Beethoven."
"I'm good at it, you fucking asshole." Alex grunted and folded his arms. "Mom did say you used to be sweet and charming. Where did that guy go?"
"Oh, it's gone far and away. She also used to be in love with my genius intellect."
"Why hide all of your intellect and talent behind all the dumb shit you ever did?"
"I'm an irrational man." Phillip admitted joyfully. "Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you have common sense. You're also very smart, Alex. You have the same potential that I have."
"What would that be?"
"Hiding what we feel and storing away our true intentions." Phillip nodded.
"Is that why you hate me because our feels and intent are the same?" Alex purely asked.
"I don't hate you, Alex. I swear it, I love you kid." That response was also pure but sometimes with his dad, it was hard to know.
"Why do I hate you then?"
Phillip didn't take it offensively. "First of all, you don't hate me. You just tell yourself that because it would be easier for the both of us when I die."
Alex sent him a short laugh. "Are you planning on dying soon, dad?"
Phillip nodded but his answer contradicted that. "Not yet."
They both knew it was coming. He's seen his dad dead before. But Alex had to leave that topic for another day. "I told mom I hated her by the way." Alex lowered his head as he fidgeted nervously with his hands.
"That was a bad idea." Phillip didn't look as if he cared but his lack of any emotion at all was only to protect his son from feeling bad about it. "But she'll let it go. She always does."
"It was worse than that."
"Well, she probably deserved it."
"I also took your heroin and used it."
Phillip quickly turned his head to face him. "You what?"
"I snooped around in your bathroom, found your needle and used it." Alex refused to look at him not because he was afraid to be reprimanded but because he was drenched in embarrassment. But admitting to it was like ripping off a band-aid.
Phillip's angry face quickly vanished and his dark brows curved back up. Now he looked impressed. "I forgot I had that. How did it feel?"
"Bad. Very fucking bad."
"Good. You needed to know how it felt. That's why I stopped using. Now you know to say no to drugs."
"Yea, whatever."
"What else happened?"
"I watched every second of the sun rising and the moon leaving. Then I had these crazy visions of you and mom. I honestly think despite all the pain you put her through, you loved her more than she loved you. I've never seen two people hate each other so much."
But that wasn't necessarily true. There were two who hated each other even more than my parents. A hate so great, it became toxic. Not to say my mother being responsible for my father's death didn't come from a toxic place but it was done for me and political reasons, maybe a little for herself. This was a different type of abhorrence. King Alexander loathed Queen Roxanne with a passion but that hatred from both parties accrued over time. I was still on standby to figure out where the hate originated. Maybe I was the one at fault. Maybe I was the unreasonable one. Maybe I became mistrustful and paranoid about her objective like I have been before and now. But what I do know about both queens was that they were both very much alike and that could be the reason for my hate toward Roxanne. They were both possessive, drop-dead gorgeous, shrewd, elegant, smart, bad-tempered, dangerous and strong mannered. Oh, and as you know, they both shared a rapid hate for Phai. But even now, I can still say that I love my mother even though I told her that I did not. I can't say that about Roxanne. Too much bad between us became worse and unforgiving. My mother respected Phai a lot more than Roxanne did because she knew how much I loved him whereas Roxanne had no respect for him because she knew how much I loved him. My mother was only behaving like a mother who adored the hell out of her only son. Roxanne was behaving like a vengeful bitch that didn't get her way and needed instant validation. What Roxanne lacked that my mother had was irresistible devotion and passion for everything that she cared for. For me and once for my father and did what she thought she had to do. Roxanne may have never loved me and kept me around for social acceptance or because too many people told her too many times that we looked good together. Side by side, we were gorgeous, no doubt, with her dark silky skin against my olive healthy glow but when no one was watching, we became as ugly as the devil himself. Our anger and bitterness for each other grew and grew and grew until it flooded our only soul. There was only bad chemistry and not a single cherished moment. Why did I do it? She dropped all of the love for me somewhere along the way and maybe because she knew I never truly loved her. But even knowing that, Roxanne remained persistent to have me at all costs, only to get back at me and watch Phai suffer from it. Roxanne hated me even though she claimed to love me. She hated me because she could. My mom wasn't allowed to hate me, because she was my mother. She was only allowed to love me. And Phai? Well, I will always question why he never let me go, after everything I've done to push him away.
"Not much of a life worth living, huh?" Phillip responded.
Alex looked at his dad who seemed deep in regret but also posing strongly in acceptance. He admired his dad for always being tough even at his worst. Alex definitely had his mother's emotions.
"I see why you're worried but Phai isn't your mom and you're not me. And if you become me, which is still a fear I have, he won't put up with you if you become a fucking asshole and he shouldn't. He's good to you and so far you're good to him. But this is only the beginning. Adult life changes everything you thought you once were. This is the honeymoon stage because life hasn't tampered with your innocence yet. It's coming like a storm, the stress, your career, new lovers, the family dream and the responsibility of being true to yourself and not losing your humanity along the way. If it doesn't work out between you and Phai, it's because you fallen off somewhere else. You are the best of me so don't fuck up and become what you've always been dreading." His father hid well behind all the emotions of his words he was sincerely communicating. "Phai has a dark past too, the same as his father. Just like the rest of the world. But the world shows what tragic is in them, the four us, do not. We let it kill us slowly. Sometimes it's good to talk and let it all out before it does."
Alex gleamed in curiosity, disregarding the bigger picture his dad was trying to paint him. "What's Phai's tragedy?"
Phillip sighed and patted him on the back. He popped a cigarette in his mouth. "Wait around until he's ready. I gotta pee. I'll be back."
Phillip left and Alex watched him walk right by the restroom and outside the doors. He was completely confused. After blinking away any confusion abut the weird behavior of his dad, he stayed put staring back at the painted war king. He then looked at the name of it, small and scripted in the right bottom corner. It was named 'Save Me' because, of course it was.
"He is us, Alex." King Alexander alleged as he took the empty seat next to him.
"I figured."
"It doesn't have to be. You can still be saved from this forever heartache, from this disillusion. Every single tear inside won't rest until your lover silences his. And he'll cry for centuries until he has you back."
Alex looked at the king and something changed in him between the time Phillip left and now. "I need you to promise me something. When you finally wake up, and Hephaistion is drenched in tears of joy and love and gratitude, you will apologize to him for dying and you won't ever die again as long as he lives or I'll make sure you don't wake up to him at all. You won't have anything good to go back to and Hephaistion, as shitty as it would be for him, will just have to move on from your demise. You started this and now you get to fix it."
Alexander grinned. Alex was becoming the man he just confronted. "More to the point, how great could I really be, if I just never opened my eyes again?"
Then they both looked back at the picture of themselves. "Good question."
Macedonian Headquarters, India
It wasn't a bad dream after all. When he awoke the next morning, Ptolemy had kept his promise and took Hephaistion to see the king. He looked deceased but unlike the rest, who didn't believe it, maybe because Hephaistion really wished it to be true, took a lot less convincing of the life that Alexander still breathed. Everything Philip had explained was making his day a little brighter slowly. It meant hope. It meant new possibilities and time remained the only complication for the both of them. He would soon hear from Cassander and the rest of the men about what will happen next, but fortunately, for him, his time felt unhurried as he scanned with devoted eyes every perfect defect of his sleeping treasure. He had been in the kings quarters for hours, unmoving, lying next to the comatose king, watchful of him in case he saw any small movement or twitch.
He began caressing his soft cheek in hopes he'd awake to the familiar touch, to help stir the fond memories of the 'once upon time' days they used to share. Hephaistion when Alexander was living would until the end of time, watch him sleep and Alexander was a heavy sleeper. Hephaistion was a light sleeper and he could touch his king and lay soft kisses on him and he would never know how much he was loved and valued during slumber. This reminded him of those times, except now, he had to pray for it. "Only you can be living when you're not." Hephaistion whispered against his ear. Being next to him, feeling him, he could still feel all of his might and energy and the scent of his skin was still so sweet like a flower that had yet to be discovered. Then Hephaistion took a strand of his now colorless hair, and twirled it around his finger admiring the flattering grey combined in the blonde. "The world has even stripped you of your color."
Alexander turned to him and smiled. "The world can not strip me of my crown, my love."
Enchanting deliriums were still occurring and Alexander would find a way to appear to him at his most gratifying, and Hephaistion would talk to him to make him real.
"The world can't strip you of anything. Remember when you walked into a blackout of arrows and not a single one of the thousands that tore through the air and struck into the earth, penetrated you? It was the very first time I thought you were mad. You approached the dark sun, removing your helmet and tossing away your shield yelling to the gods that you didn't need their shelter as long as your men were watching. But you knelt down on the dry land and said a prayer for your men. When you were done you gazed back at the foe. Your men were so amazed and they were loud in battle cries because they knew the king that lead them would do anything to inspire them. They knew Alexander would die for them. And they followed you all the way here. And now you lay pale and sick and deadened. You once said that this didn't seem like a place that would kill you. And you were right because I can still feel you in there. Your soul is trying to reach out. You're locked in and you are screaming to be released. I wish I could do it for you. I wish I could release you. But I can't and you must do it yourself. You've been strong all this time, but I need you to be the strongest you have ever been."
The queen quietly entered and Hephaistion looked disappointed when the king hadn't moved or spoken at all. He looked to the invading woman and then looked back at the king refusing to acknowledge anymore of her. That was one person he could have lived without seeing for the rest of his life.
"I was told you would be here. I see you're awake. However, you look sickly, Hephaistion. Are you not getting better?"
Redness swarmed his sore bright eyes, from ongoing tears and no good sleep. Hair was unkempt and knotted and scruffy facial hair was growing in. And paleness covered him from head to toe. He looked as dead as a ghost. More dead than the king who still glowed in comparison.
"Who allowed you in? Why have you shown your face before me?" He distinctly condemned.
"I am still the queen as long as Alexander still breathes." Roxanne answered. She didn't look to well herself. She was wrapped in a green wool robe, with her hair down to her back, face free of color and a customary approach.
"You were accused of trading him to the enemy. Why would I allow you near him?" Hephaistion weakly spoke. At times he would find himself short of breath and with an aching cough.
"Cassander doesn't know of which he accuses of me. It's all rumor. I'm not naive to how the men feel about me. Why would I get rid of my only power? Without Alexander, I am nothing. Any new successor can put me to death with no trouble. I am not capable of killing the man I love. I love Alexander more than anyone."
"I would hold your fucking tongue before you say more!" He roared toward her, finally leaning up, his wrath giving him a boost. "Don't you fucking speak a word of that, never to me! I am the only one who can say that!"
The queen looked frightened at his burst he always so famously shunned in the past. Everyone knew the general for his diplomatic, serene, non confrontational, mannerisms. He was never one to shout or spat dislike to even those who deserved it even when push came to shove. But this time, there was nothing that could be recognized that made Hephaistion stand out from the others. "You are not the only one who loves him." Roxanne kept her ground.
"Leave." It was a quiet dangerous plea. That was all he could gather to say as he laid back down like any mobility and meaning was lost from him.
"I wish to see him." She uttered desperately.
"There is nothing to see and nothing to say."
"I was told to speak to him will help him wake. That's all I am here for. When I heard that my husband was still alive, I couldn't help any excitement. Then I heard the news that you too, had made it back from the journey."
"It wasn't a journey. It was a nightmare that I am still living."
Roxanne nervously exhaled. "I am grateful to you for bringing him back to all of us."
"It wasn't for you."
"Cassander only wanted you back, did you know? Not Alexander. Maybe it's time to start accusing the one who took the throne from a once dear friend without batting an eye."
"In truth, it could have been anyone. Cassander is also a serpent possessing a mortal body. We both know his intentions are never what they are. I can say that to just about any one of you, who claim to love Alexander." He replied dismissively, and stayed stroking the blonde curls as she lingered around to say more disregarding his order of dismissal.
"A strong man can't hide when he is in love. I know what he sees in you because I saw what Alexander saw in me and it was the exact same way. He is in love with you and putting the king to death is the most faultless way to have you." The queen continued.
"I asked you to leave. As long as I am in here, you and that eunuch will not return."
"We mean more to Alexander than you realize. He would want us at his side before the gods finally take him."
Hephaistion began to laugh and because he wasn't in a any state to remove her himself he'd just rip her apart with words because he could at-least do one thing still, really well. "You mean nothing to him. You think I would trust your serpent tongue to speak words of lies to him? To tell him that you love him? Do you really believe you are allowed to say that? You're not worthy of love, queen. You don't know how to love. The only reason he took your hand in marriage was for political purpose, to unite your weak civilization and his grander one, in order to gain your fathers respect and to prove that worlds really could be bound as one. Oh, let's not forget your real and only purpose, and that is for him to fuck you and release seed so that you could bear a child. Which was never his intent to begin with because, let's just say, it was never his focus or care. He didn't look that deep into the future. His ambition was to conquer, in the moment. He wasn't thinking who was to rule after him. He'd rather lay with a cockles boy than put a child in you. As beautiful as you are, not my queen, he feels nothing toward you. But let's talk about the first time he saw you and you danced for him. There was spark. Indeed there was. He loved and lusted the fire in you but then you became what he always feared. His fucking outrageous mother. You may be his queen, but I am his and your jealousy aroused when it became obvious to you that he loved no one more. I could name all and every factor about everything you have a deficient in and put it against a list of everything he prefers but that list is long and I'm very tired. You'd be wise to leave, before I give the order to have you removed and pardoned from life. It's just that, I'm not very forgiving anymore. Not after everything that happened and I can't apologize for it if you're not an enthusiast of this ill passive me." Hephaistion glared her down with a pure threat she was surely not to disturb more.
"I know we don't see eye to eye, but I do pray you become well again." Then she quickly turned to leave and he went back to snuggling up next to Alexander.
"What was it, you would say to your enemies who you at first would spare?" He spoke again to the king who had been long dead to the world.
Alexander leaned over Hephaistion and dragged soft sheathing lips upon the cheek of his mourning lover. "I would say, I do not wish to kill you. I do not wish to kill anyone. It hurts me every time I take a life away from a world big enough for all to share. Though you have the numbers, if you persist and keep pointing your weaker blades and your weaker spears at my men, I won't mind the pain I will give to you. Pain comes and goes, but your death… will be forever. That's my eternal promise to you."
They were all out in the field, playing and fucking around like they normally would if it involved avoiding filling out college applications. Then suddenly they paused when they saw Alex approaching them from the greenbelt. Like it was a natural way to react, his friends gathered around because they knew his serious face all to well. They learned it when he used to coach them during football. They learned it when he would give them advice on serious matters, personal or on a grand scheme of things. They learned it because they respected him. They respected him enough for many other reasons they found impressive but after that last hang out, they owed it to him to listen.
He was looking at them all with intense eyes, blonde hair that paled beneath the cloud flooded sky and a pose as self assured as the start of his next words.
"I had a lot to think about earlier this morning. About all of you. About ways I was unfair to you the last time we hung out. There is much on my chest I would like to set free. And why I'm setting it free, it's because you deserve to know. No matter what I may feel or think or what you may feel or think about me, I still love you. I love you all so much. Regardless of hardship, judgment and disagreement, I love you and I will never stop loving you. I haven't been a good friend because of thoughts that exist in my head and you can't be blamed for any of that. Tolem, I am especially sorry about our late encounter and argument and I should have never taken out my anger on something you were right about. There is something wrong and I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying hard, guys. I don't speak on it because it's even harder to talk about than it is to just accept it. If it hasn't been evident, I'm scared. I'm scared to love, I'm scared to fail, and I'm scared to lose you. I was supposed to be dead a long time ago because of a condition doctors don't know how to treat. It's a type of fatal wakefulness. It's something more than just not being able to sleep. There is no name I can call it. And because of it, I see things and it brings a whole world of pain. Because of this boundless silent killer, I should be dead. I will be dead soon. Plain and simple. I don't get to rule myself out just because I made it by my sixteenth birthday. It comes with other illnesses, which leads to other problems. That's the part that's going to kill me. There are days I feel amazing and energetic and then there are days like today that I feel like I need to end it. And it would be so easy to. Lately it's been a little more tolerable and I've adjusted but the pain will always be unbearable. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But choosing to be tortured by it or choosing to live the best life I can before it takes me on, I'd choose the latter. And I don't want to spend any more of my days in the dark. I couldn't imagine a world without you guys. I finally get it. It took long but I do. You care and I should have appreciated it instead of distancing myself. It was wrong of me and I hope you can forgive me."
None of them knew what to say. They didn't know how to react or where to begin. What were they supposed to say to that. It just hit them and it felt like something they would never move on from. There friend just told them he was going to die.
"Can someone say something. I don't like the stares." Alex admitted shortly.
"You're just going to walk over here, while were having fun to tell us you're gonna die soon?" Leon was the first to behave distressed. "Are you serious?"
"I'm being serious, Leon. I didn't mean to do it now but it feels right that you know."
Crater also shifted troubled by all that. "Is it cancerous?"
"It might as well be. But I didn't confess for you to pity me or mourn for me. I'm saying this so that there could be trust in our friendship."
"We didn't want to hear. We didn't want to hear any of that." Perdicas said. "Why would you tell us that?" They were bummed out now and Alex started to feel bad.
"Because it true. And I'd rather you know. I spent a lot of time trying to find the best way and the best time to tell you."
"Never would have been the best time. Now you've ruined everything." Leon replied again, probably taking it the hardest.
"Fine, I take it back then. I'm not dying anymore." Alex said trying to get their hopes back up in a poor attempt. "Is that better?"
"Hey, it's everything we wanted to hear." Tolem stepped up and hugged Alex in a brotherly way. "I'm sorry for the things I said. It was never meant to hurt you, Alex."
"Remember, Alex, what you'd tell us when we were on the football field?" Crater spoke. "You treated it like a battlefield. You told us if we'd just conquer our fear, we'd conquer death. This better be you conquering that."
Alex smiled. "It is."
Then Crater came up and hugged his friend tight.
"This means we need to be nicer to you?" Phil asked trying not to be affected by the moment.
The blonde grinned. "Exactly."
Then Phil gave in holding back tears and embraced him.
"I wish you would have told us sooner." Leon said stepping up after Phil.
"I wish had the balls to tell you sooner. But I didn't. It' been a difficult time."
"We're always going to be here for you, Alex."
They individually gave hugs except for Phai. He didn't need to.
After Cleitus smooched Alex on the cheek, calling him Hercules, Cassander was last.
"Now I know why you put on such a brave face. You're meant to be fearless. Don't worry, I see it. I guess this means I can't have Phai anymore, since you've fought away all of your demons."
"My demons are still here and are going to be for a little while longer."
"You know, too much power and too much beauty together can be a disaster waiting to happen?"
Alex looked at Phai who was looking back at him. "I'm going to take that as a compliment." It was said out of respect but the challenge was there.
"This should be celebrated. We should celebrate." Cleitus chimed in.
Cassy came to stand next to Phai and they both watched their friends hang around and hug Alex. It reminded him of the time Alex moved back. Everyone loved him. Very much. "You knew about it? Which makes sense because you're not teary-eyed like everyone else?"
"He told me awhile back. And it still makes me sad." Phai admitted but only focusing on the moment in-front of him.
"Alex triumphs again. Have you told him?" The sly eyed man asked slyly.
"Enlighten me?" Phai responded.
"About the really, really bad things that happened to you." The green eyed man turned to him. "You know, the rape?"
Phai blinked irately and finally faced him, exactly the reaction Cassy wanted. "It wasn't rape, Cassy."
"Another form of rape?" He joked. "Or is being touched and handled by our training coach, called something else? sexual harassment is probably to general of a term. I do remember that pervert."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Maybe I was the wrong person to tell."
Phai scoffed. "You think I care that you know?"
"You'd care if I told Alex. He should know, right? Trust is important in a relationship unless it isn't a relationship and it's just a simple 'friends with benefits' type of swing?"
"This happened long before Alex and I were anything. It's in the past."
"You still think about it which means it's current. I can see how tainted you've become because of it. It can lead to disorder if Alex were to know that you kept it from him. After all, Alex must make all things better for you. And he probably should know that his dick wasn't the first one you sucked."
Phai was trying to hold himself together. "I can't change what happened and neither can Alex. It doesn't matter what happened. It's not happening anymore."
"Because you stood up for yourself or because you would rather keep it to yourself and pretend it never happened. Try telling that to Alex. You want to know what I think? I think you don't know what you really feel about it. Maybe you liked it. Maybe it felt good to be touched like that. You get pleasure from it, don't you, knowing that we all want you in-between our legs while we fuck you to death?"
"Are you being fucking serious right now, Cassy?" Angry blue eyes scrutinized. He couldn't believe he had just said that. "Just when I think you're coming around, you stay the same pricky, fuckhead."
"You did tell me I'd always be this way." The green eyed man shrugged heartlessly.
"Everyone has the ability to change who the fuck they are and you should change real fucking soon because if you ever threaten me with Alex's feeling ever again, you're going to wish he'd beat the holy fucking shit out of you and left you for dead. I dare you, say some shit like that again to me."
"You have always been the calm before the storm." Cassy said pulling out a cigarette.
"You can think whatever the fuck you want but you will never talk to me like that as long as you're still fucking breathing."
"You know, Phai, Alex was so close to giving you up. To me. Before prom, he was going to allow me to have you." Blue eyes were dangerous and he was actually surprised how much self-control he had. If something like that was said to Alex, Cassy would have been pummeled to death and it would be all over the news. Cassy grinned immaturely. "You didn't know that either? Yet, Alex remains an angel. Alex remains...great."
"Walk away."
"I like it when you get upset. It's a good look. I feel like I am no longer entranced by how pretty you are. It makes me scared of you." He winked then walked away not because he respected his wish but so that Alex wouldn't spot them together.
What the green eyed man said was gnawing away at Phai and he couldn't figure out why he cared so much. It wasn't true. Any of it. Then he started to let it get to his head. He began to question himself and his own intentions. Did he like it? Was he a slut? If none of it was true, why was he thinking so hard about it? Why couldn't he let it go? Why didn't he tell anyone about it? He watched Cassy cautiously, as he interacted with the blonde. It was like he was playing a wicked game between them. And Alex looked so happy and so loved to be surrounded by friends he could call family. Friends he just confessed his love for. He didn't understand why Cassy, one of Alex's oldest friends, wanted to make Alex's life miserable. And suddenly it felt wrong to love Alex because why would Alex love him back if he found out everything that has happened. He thought forgetting would help but how can one forget something that felt so bad.
Phai tried to let go of whatever he was feeling and escape the bad disturbances playing over and over in his head then Alex looked over and smiled at him. And Phai loved nothing more than to see him that way. And he smiled back at him but something was missing behind it. Something was taken away. Alex knew what it was. He always did. And he was no longer smiling.