Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Forty
Part Three
/
"This sucks. This fucking sucks." Cleitus said, as he sat miserably in the open field holding his head with a slight hangover.
The friends were hanging around. It was almost ten in the morning and Alex hadn't moved from his spot at the deck. He was still sitting and still staring. They didn't try anything. They just allowed him to be and waited until he made the first move like the loyal friends they were. Alex probably didn't even realize they were there. He didn't look attentive much. They were notified right away by their parents who had heard or witnessed it. Their phones were blowing up at the same time. Leaving Alex felt wrong so they stayed in the gloom that shadowed them all. It was going to be a very gloomy day.
"Why this day?"
The boys turned their heads and looked at Leon who was poking at the ground with a stick.
"It's not really something we could have saw coming, Leon." Answered Perdicas.
Leon now looked at his friend. "But on his birthday? What did Alex do to deserve that?"
"You're looking to far into it, Leon." Phil interrupted. "Bad shit happens. It doesn't matter the day."
"I know, Phil. I'm just saying it feels wrong."
"Death is always wrong." Phil replied back strongly.
Tolem sighed. "I know what Leon is trying to say."
"What would that be?" Cassy interjected hotly. "That fate somehow wanted this? It could have been any one of us and we wouldn't be looking this deep into it."
Tolem glared at the green eyed boy. "You're always so fucking cynical, Cassy. We're saying that the one day Alex is having the best day of his life and the best moments, this happens. I can't be the only one who notices a pattern here?"
"I've noticed," said Crater. "Alex is meant to live in pain. It sucks but it's true."
"Make sure you don't tell him that." Cassy jeered. "You know how he gets."
"He knows." Crater retorted. "He's always known."
They stopped all banter when they saw Phai's father coming through the field. The boys respectfully stood. Maybe he had better news. But he didn't look like he was bringing any but he was brave to be the one to approach the blonde first.
The tall and handsome man came up beside the sitting blonde. He didn't say anything and just soaked in the same unsettling wind that Alex did. Phai could probably comfort him better than he could but he would never put his son in such a dreadful position. Amyntor knew how to stay calm and keep everyone else calm. Phai wouldn't know what to do and in case Alex wasn't in his right mind, Amyntor couldn't allow his son around it. Phai was too emotionally attached. Amyntor liked Alex but he wasn't sure about him yet.
"It's weird." Alex finally spoke. "I thought I was the one with the expiration date. This whole time I was only worried about myself."
"It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel right. I'm sorry, Alex. I know there is nothing more that I can say to you that will make this better or make this go away but I am sorry."
"He really did hate me. He waited until I was happy and then he decided it was a good enough time to die because it would hurt me the most."
Amyntor knew a lot on the subject concerning his fathers love for him. It hurt to hear Alex say it but he was entitled to feel what he felt. "He loves you, Alex. Wherever he is, he loves you. He expressed it in ways more complicated than it needed to be but he didn't like it that way. He just ended up that way."
"I saw him die once before in a dream. I'm not sure why I didn't see it coming this time." Alex was the type of person who needed to know why things happened the way they did. This time he wasn't going to get an answer and it would drive him mad.
"I wish I could understand it. There is nothing more I want to do right now than to give you the answer, Alex."
"The 'why' is always the part that kills us."
"Correct. Giving up also does. Phillip really did try before the end."
"I know."
"Your mother is at our house. My wife is taking care of her. We'll be waiting for you whenever you're ready."
"Thank you."
Amyntor nodded, then took off but was stopped when Alex asked the next question. The most dangerous question of all.
"Did they find the person who did it?"
But Amyntor had to be honest. "No. Whoever did it got away but they'll be found. I promise. I know what you're thinking, Alex and I'm not going to say that it's wrong. I'm thinking it too." Then Amyntor proceeded to walk back to the house. Alex stood and looked at all of his friends who hadn't moved yet and they knew he was grateful for their support. He nodded barely and then followed Amyntor back to the house where his mother waited for him.
When he entered she gave him a quick heavy hug. With red swollen eyes she didn't look well herself and he was surprised that she actually mourned for him. But maybe the tears weren't meant for her dead husband. "Are you okay, sweetie?"
Alex nodded. "I'm fine."
"You look sick. You're cold." Olympias felt him.
"I'm fine mom."
"It's okay not to be."
Alex glared at her. "I'm fine, mother."
All three parents in the room knew that he wasn't but it was best to let it go. Amyntor left dealing with his emotion.
"If it's okay with you both, we want you to stay here a little longer." Phai's mom suggested. "Just until everything is figured out. I'll make some breakfast."
Olympias nodded and sat back down at the kitchen table. It was the only way to handle such hospitality, by saying nothing and just accepting whatever it may that comes. Alex was just standing there not really knowing what to do or where to go.
"Alex, why don't you go upstairs and get some rest." Phai's mom said.
The blonde had spaced out. He didn't hear her. For a second he forgot where he was.
"Alex, darling?" His mom tried. He heard the second time.
He looked over at her. Eyes were barely looking. "Yea?"
"Go upstairs. Try to get some sleep."
Alex left and Olympias watched the pretty boy take her son up the stairs and she felt a type of way. "It's a good thing he has such close friends." She said smiling shortly at the other mother.
"Yes, Phai is really good to him."
Olympias smiled but it was difficult to tell if it was genuine or not. "Thank you for all of this."
"It will never be a problem. Your family means a lot to us." Phai's mom said as she prepared food for the guests.
"I feel terrible. I haven't been the kindest to you."
"It's okay. I know how to work around that."
/
This is my apology to you, my boy. You shouldn't have had to see that with your mother and myself. Not with eyes so small and of innocence. His father says taking him through a cave of the gods.
I'm no longer a boy. Young Alexander answers confidently.
Phillip chuckles. Do you remember Achilles?
I love Achilles. He's my favorite.
Why?
Because he loved Patroclus and avenged his death.
And his fate?
That he must die young and live in great glory.
Phillip turns and gazes sternly at his audacious son. You dream of glory, Alexander, and your mother encourages it but there is no glory without suffering.
The boy grins with eyes brighter than the flame of the torch his father carries. I'm aware, father. I will take on the suffering. But glory is mine. It will be mine.
\
Alex opened his eyes. They were hollow. He didn't know what glory his father spoke about. There was none to be had, not in this life.
"Are you ready?"
Alex looked up. He found himself sitting at the end of Phai's bed. He didn't say anything and just stared at his friend who was done filling the tub.
Phai walked up to him and took his hand gently. "Alex, come with me. Let's get you washed."
That encouraged Alex a little and he walked with Phai into the bathroom and Phai helped him undress. Alex was behaving like a living dead man. He had no energy or motivation to do anything. Very lost in his head. When Phai removed his shirt he noticed scars all over Alex's body he never noticed before. But he couldn't have been that blind. He's seen and felt Alex's body plenty. These definitely weren't there before, Phai thought. They were bumpy and healed over, marked as if they've been there his whole life. How could he miss it? It wouldn;t be the right time to ask abut them. If anything, Alex probably hadn't noticed them either.
After Phai removed all clothing the blonde sunk into the warm water but it didn't relax him. He didn't even feel the temperature of it. It felt as though he was sitting in an empty tub.
Poor Phai didn't know what to do or say or how to handle it. He couldn't tell if Alex wanted to be alone or needed him there. "I'll be back when you're done." It was more of a question than a statement.
Alex again only nodded and Phai left him alone but he stayed in the bedroom just in case. Just to be near by. He sighed and fell back onto the covers. This was going to be a very long week.
Alex closed his eyes, resting them because he was tired and it was the closest thing to sleep he could get but as soon as he did he felt an invisible force drag him under the water. It felt like strong arms bear hugging him. It felt as though a 20 pound weight had been dropped on top of his chest and breathing became impossible. He was trying to thrash his way out of the locked arms but couldn't. Instead, he was released right before he sucked in the water. No one was there. Nothing was there. Alex, freaking out, started to search through the water, trying to find something, anything to prove that he wasn't crazy. Then Alex heard clinking to the left of him and shot a turn toward the counter where king Alexander sat upon swinging his legs and tapping his blade against the tile floor. There was a smile on his face as he watched Alex glaring horrified by him. He loved that feeling, making himself piss himself.
"Good. Your eyes have opened." The blonde king chuckled glaringly. "Keep them open."
"You just tried to drown me?" Alex wiped the water from his face, coughing up what he did take in.
"No. You tried to drown yourself. It's what you want. Or that's what you think you want. I'm the one who brought you up for air. Thank me now."
"You're not the ruler of my fucking fate."
"I am your fate. I am your handler. I will take your life whenever I wish to take it but you're not finished in this world yet, are you, Alex?"
"What do you want from me?" The disgruntled blonde asked.
"Nothing. I'm waiting for the movie to begin. I believe it's called Tough Love. I'm only saving you from yourself, Alex."
'That's not your fucking job!" Alex said with a snap.
"It is my fucking job!" Alexander snapped back."You think you're somehow capable of that on your own. You fucking need me."
"You're a fucking psychopath."
"Possibly. Now finish up with your bath. You have much to think about and the bath isn't the safest place for thoughts like yours. We all know how you deal with water."
"Why does Hephaistion love you? Why does anyone love you?"
The king closed his eyes and took in a deep breath really thinking hard about it. "I'm not sure why he does. That would be a question to ask him. He's in the other room. Go ahead and ask. Or are you afraid of the answer?"
"I'm not afraid."
"Trust me, we're afraid. We're always afraid when it comes to him. I wasn't the most pleasant man to be around. My temper was unbelievable only compared to that of a baby who needed milk from its moms breast to survive. Now that I look back on how I was, perhaps it was all based on perception. Maybe I wasn't that bad. Maybe I thought I was that bad. Maybe I wanted people to think that I was that bad."
"You are a fucking headache. Go away."
"You know, Alex, long after we're both dead and gone, people out there from a different time are going to try their hardest in analyzing what made us the men we became." He sighed like a man who has seen it all as he set his sword aside and sat on the rim of the tub. "They will dig into our psyche and find our personality infatuating and others will find it infuriating. They will believe all of these horrid things about me which will be true and false and never really knowing the truth about any of it. I will make us the most interesting human being that will ever live. So what of my failure, so what of my victories and trophies. Maybe I did lose the battle in India. Maybe I didn't. Am I a monster, a terrible and neglectful king or was I grand and generous and loving. Were Hephaistion and I truly lovers or did I love him far more than he loved me? After all, there isn't much about Hephaistion in history. We were best friends and that's undoubtedly true but there is nothing stated that suggests we were lovers."
"There is nothing stated about you at all. I've looked. There are no history books about you. There is nothing. No one knows who Alexander the Great is or what he's done."
"I feel as though your intent is to hurt my feelings." The king chuckled. "Good thing life has hardened me. History hasn't been written yet about me. Once you're gone, history will rework itself out."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I need you to consider why things happen. Theoretically, you don't exist. I exist. I'm dying as I taunt you and this is my hell to pay. I am you just living in a false world that is made up of trials and errors for the both of us. Once we pass whatever test we need to pass, I wake up and you vanish until I am actually physically dead. This is why I need you to focus and figure out what it is you are meant to do."
"You're fucking crazy. You're in my head. I'm fucking crazy." Alex growled in frustration as he grabbed at his head pulling his stringy wet curls. "I'm fucking crazy!"
"True but I'm not a bad person and neither are you." Alexander smirked and patted Alex on his wet muscular shoulder. Then he stood and went back to the counter to lean against.
"Are you telling me I don't exist?"
"You exist, just not yet. Think of me as your past fuck up and now I'm interfering in your future held in my absent mind letting you know how to not fuck up again. You are my reincarnation. When I appear to you, I am appearing to a potentially better me."
It was all too much. "I'm going to be sick. I feel fucking sick."
The king chuckled wildly. "Here we go."
"I see all the time how you are and there is more bad than good. You're an egomaniac. You are psychotic in every way a man can be. You were born a demon god. You have evil in you. You are self-indulgent, violent, impulsive, prideful, hateful. I don't want to become you. I won't become you. Get out of my head!"
"I'm not in your head, Alex. I am in my own head. There is no shutting me out. Rise or fall, my king."
Alex looked at him. He remembered Hephaistion would tell him that in his visions if he ever needed a slap in the face. "I don't think you and Hephaistion were lovers. I think he felt trapped. I think he had nowhere else to go and you were the right type of crazy that he could get through to. He's to pure of heart to have loved you. He would have never fallen for something like you, so he pretended."
Alexander scoffed. "Again, you're trying to hurt my feelings but you're only hurting your own. What we had, Alex, was better than love. It was different than your normal passion and heart throb. We were amazed by each other. We were strengthened by each other. It wasn't just mere attraction. It was the gravity of our energy that pulled us together and never allowed us to part. We could run opposite direction and we'd meet back up again no matter where we ran. We were powered by each other. I see inside him. I see every part of him. That heart beats so good for me. And he saw me, and he loved me, Alex, no matter what everyone thought I was. It does startle me, the amount of love he has in him, it could kill a man. I need to feel that again, do you understand? I need to get back to my beautiful Hephaistion or I am nothing."
Alex slipped back into the water and angrily scoffed before resting his head against the wall. There was nothing to say. He was literally and figuratively having a conversation with himself.
Alexander glared over at the man who chose to ignore him. "How many times do I have to tell you, I am not your enemy."
"I don't know what to think of you. I've never had to deal with so much self righteousness in my fucking life. I don't know how to handle you. Fucking let me be."
But the King wasn't going to let him be. "I know you more than you know me. I have to be this way. I'm in bad times. If the demand during my era wasn't prearranged and unforgiving, I would have been a better man. I killed because people had to be killed. Trust no one, my father once said and my mother had told me a thousand times. I am a product of my parents. You know this. My head constantly spiraled out of control as I tried to understand their needs and wants from me. I was surrounded by unforgiving dysfunction to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore. I still don't know. Was I my father or my mother? Or was I my own man. To escape their hold, I decided I wouldn't be either of those two or myself. I chose to be a god. Better than both. Better than all. If that makes me wicked then so be it. But Hephaistion, he brings out the good in us doesn't he? He looks the blonde-haired devil in the eyes and tames the fuck out of him. We were bad and then…we were good because he helped us through our darkest and damnedest days. I am very confused about who I am. I admit. But I had to be who I was because no one else would be. If I could change things I would. I would make sure that I wasn't born on such a fated day. I would have taken him and left somewhere, anywhere he wished to go as long as we were alone. I would drop the dream of glory and be a farmer where no one knew my name. But fate was cruel, the cruelest to me, and we were bound to a royal life and royal death. Hephaistion was beyond intelligent and wise, he could have been a philosopher and I would be a big-headed buffoon who took glory for granted. I was cruel and selfish, Alex, but I wasn't cruel and selfish because I wanted to be."
"The more you talk, the crazier you sound. Wouldn't that make Hephaistion as cruel as you. How can an angel be swayed by the devil?"
"An angels purpose is to help and guide and give answers to lost and afraid men. Hephaistion was born to help and guide and listen. There has never been a soul I have been bound to and he doesn't take any credit for himself, for shaping me into a better man. I was always surrounded by many loud and rough and violent people and he was there just kind and modest and quiet. He stood out like an angel in the darkness. It was hard not to follow his light. He is my guardian angel and that is our relationship, beyond sex, beyond rage, beyond joy. We weren't hidden lovers. We weren't even apparent lovers. The men knew he and I shared something great but they didn't know to what extent. In our earlier years we were much more entwined and romantically and sexually involved, then I became king and all of it was pushed under dirt and blood. We were busy men. We fought many battles, we ventured many times. At the pace of my ambition, there was no time to be romantically involved so we became discreet about our feelings for the other. The generals, our friends knew, but we also knew better not to be open about it especially not around my jealous wives and envious men. Hephaistion doesn't know that I pushed him away because I didn't want him to be mocked by the others. I needed the men to take him seriously and the time we made love were many but they were behind closed doors. No one knew. I needed to protect him. Later, when my history is written about, many sources will believe Hephaistion was only a very dear friend. But we were so much more and no one will know about it the way it truly was. He was my hope, my faith. That's why I love him because he never gave up on me. I don't know why he loved me. I would have given up on me the day I met me. The dreams I had...could scare the gods away but he would erase them...just for me."
Before Alex dared to respond, Phai entered.
"Hey." Phai said.
The king was conveniently gone. Typical. Always one to have the last word. "Hey."
"Are you okay? I thought I heard something?"
Alex shook his wet head. "No. That was just me." Alex was terrified the king would return. He was like an evil presence that clung to him.
"There's food downstairs for you. I don't know if you're in the mood to eat but you probably should."
"Okay."
"Try?"
"I will."
Phai looked down noticing all the water around the bath. He didn't know what to think of it and Alex didn't mention what happened. He grabbed a couple of towels and started to dry the floor.
"Are you okay?" The blonde asked him as he just chilled back.
Phai looked at him. It was the strangest question of the day. "I'm fine, Alex. You don't have to worry."
"I worry about you worrying about me. It will pass, Phai. What I'm feeling, it won't be long. Death happens."
Phai said nothing, trying to hold himself together. He sat on the toilet lid and just stayed there. He knew Alex was just trying not to make him worry but deep down Alex was losing his fucking mind. He was going to lose it eventually. This was only the beginning stage with many more to go. Alex wasn't a calm person. He was going to break eventually and that's what Phai didn't want happening.
"Your dad, what about him? Is he okay?"
"He's okay, Alex. You don't have to worry about us."
Phai hoped he'd put his thoughts to rest. He just wanted him to sleep. Just to sleep some of the pain away but no, Alex was going to be up for every second of this misfortune.
"Phai?"
"Yea."
"Why do you love me?"
Phai knew Alex was sensitive and emotional at the moment but this he didn't see coming. The blue eyes started to water. "You know why I love you. Don't ask me this right now, please."
"It's okay if you don't know. I don't know why you do either."
"Alex, I know what this is. I know what you're doing. This is you trying to push me away again just because you fear something in yourself. You know why I love you. It never worked. I can't be hurt when I know you're intentionally trying to hurt me. It doesn't work that way."
"I see you when you look at me. You're scared. Are you afraid of me now? I would never hurt you."
Phai looked at him sternly. "I'm not afraid of you. I'm just on edge about what may happen."
"You have nothing to worry about."
"Don't tell me that if there is. Why are you fighting this? If you're feeling something, just feel it. If you're angry, be angry. We can't predict every thing and I don't know what's going to happen. I need you to cry, I need you to yell and hold nothing back. Because what's going to happen is that I'm going to be worried when you're away because I don't know what you're going to do. You might do something destructive or harmful to yourself or to others. That's what happens when you bottle things up. I see it coming and I'm scared for you. Your dad is dead and you shouldn't be okay with that. Don't shrug it off. Don't fight that terrible feeling. It only makes it worse and you're going to regret it."
Alex stood and stepped out of the bath and ran a wet hand down Phai's wet cheek. "Phai, I really am okay. I will be fine. I promise, this won't change me. You have nothing to worry about. Again, I'm worried about you worrying about me and I need you to sleep restfully and with good dreams tonight. I want nothing to be on your mind. Not me, not my father, not your father, nothing. I want you to worry about nothing. It's not your job, it's mine. I have to remind myself often that it doesn't matter what happens in my life, my life isn't about me. It's about you and I feel better knowing that. I had my time to cry but I never want to see tears come from your eyes again, not this way."
Phai accepted a wet kiss from Alex and then he handed him a towel. The blonde wrapped the towel around his waist and went to dress in the bedroom but Phai stayed put thinking about how hard that was going to be, not to worry. After his thought he walked out of the bathroom and watched Alex finish putting on his shirt. It was a little tight on him but he was wearing Phai's pajamas. Phai compared to Alex was much leaner.
After Alex got dressed, he sat at the edge of the bed again. Phai knew Alex wasn't going to eat anything or do anything at all. He thought maybe being and eating downstairs would reveal too much of what he was feeling. Maybe he didn't want to be exposed right now, especially to his mother.
"I'll be downstairs." Phai said pulling open the door. "I'll bring you some food. You can eat when you're ready."
Alex reacted with the most how dare you look. He looked betrayed and Phai didn't understand why. "Are you coming back?"
"Of course."
Alex blinked. "Okay."
"Would you like me to stay?" Phai asked still not sure what Alex was trying to communicate.
"Yes. Please."
"Okay." Phai closed the door. "I'll stay."
Phai sat by his side and held his hand until Alex was ready to decide what he wanted to do.
"You shouldn't worry. He'll be down." Phai's mom assured the restless lady sitting across from her and tapping her heel against the table leg.
"He loves pancakes." Olympias noted staring at the stack of them on the table, warm and buttery. "He loves to eat."
Phai's mom smiled, recognizing the other mothers love for her son. "I can make you some more tea if you'd like?"
"Yes, thank you." Olympias replied and the mother took her cup. "Where's your husband."
"He's upstairs trying to be strong like all men try to be during a tragedy. He would have been really good friends with your husband and he knows it so it's hurting him."
"They always behave unbreakable when they don't need to be." Olympias added and Phai's mom chuckled before placing the full steaming cup before her.
"Agreed. They don't know that it's okay to express themselves in front of us. Maybe if they did, they'd feel vulnerable. My husband doesn't like to feel vulnerable. He believes feeling that way makes him a failure in the long run. I'm almost positive he was trained that way in the military."
"Alex is the same and so was his father. Phillip only failed at one thing. He failed at being a great husband and father. All of his other failures weren't necessarily failures at all. Not in the way he thought they were." Olympias gave her husband the benefit of the doubt.
Phai's mom sat back down with her own cup of tea. "Alex has your philosophical mind. When he speaks, there's something deeper he knows that most of the world can't figure out...no matter how hard they try."
Olympias grinned at the mention. "He also has his fathers combating philosophical mind and both of our emotional alternatives. We've tortured that poor boy with our frame of minds and mental power all his life. He can be sensitive and insensitive. Or he could be emotional but never really feeling anything at all. He could be lost but know exactly where he's going. It's like I'm pulling him and his father is pushing back and Alex is just wanting to stand there and not abide by anything. I wonder all the time what he'd be like if he was without our influence or lack of?"
"I think he'd be the same and that's not a bad thing, Olympias. You shouldn't blame yourself for what you think Alex will become."
"I try not to think about him becoming a man. I have dreams of Alex transitioning into a man and he scares me. A mother should never be afraid of her own child. Anyway, what of your son, Phai. How is he handling all of this?"
"I think he's doing well. He's maybe a little shook but he's strong."
"You should thank him for me. I would do it myself but I'm believe your son is afraid of me. The way he is with my son, Alex responds to him. Phai has a nurturing heart and he gets it from you. That much I know. Maybe that's why Alex is so fond of him. Phillip and I nurtured our son but not for the right reasons."
"Alex makes Phai extremely happy. I'm glad Phai has a friend like him. Phai has never really been friendly to anyone because they've never been friendly to him. But somehow, Alex was different. We met Alex one day and he was such a pleasure of intensity and unique behavior. Your son is special, Olympias. He's not like most people. Not to mention that he was able to tear my son out of his comfort zone. That takes a very special human being."
"Were you ever opposed to them being together?" Olympias questioned earnestly. "Mother to mother, did it ever bother you about their relationship?"
Phai's mom frowned. "Together?"
"Yes, they're dating still, right?"
"I didn't realize they were."
Olympias slightly gasped. "Maybe I have said too much. You don't know about this?"
"I'm afraid not." Phai's mom replied in confusion. She didn't know what to think.
"Please don't take it the wrong way. It's something my husband and I had to grow to respect. It is still taking me a little longer to accept though my husband didn't know how to take it at first. I don't know what changed him but Phillip just didn't care anymore meanwhile I'm the bad parent for wanting grandchildren."
"Phai never told me anything about it. Is this a sure thing?"
"Alex didn't tell me. I found out the hard way. But your husband must have known about it. He and Phillip bonded over it."
"No. He didn't mention anything like that."
"I don't mean to upset you. It's been an ongoing thing since Alex has been back."
Phai's mom didn't look sad or mad, just indifferent. "You should go rest up. I'll let you know when your son comes down."
Olympias nodded. "Thank you."
"Of course."
Alex's mom went to sleep in the guest bedroom and Phai's mom sat wondering if she understood right about their boys.
Macedonia Headquarters, India
Hephaistion was finally able to eat. It took a long and insufferable two days but he managed to keep the food down. His weight was still questionable. It wasn't where the generals would have liked him to be but they were happy for the attempt. They had visited him often to make sure that he was stable and healing and were surprised that he hadn't put up any fight. He had allowed them to do whatever they wanted or needed to do with him. To fight them was to fail. His embarrassment was slowly departing. They weren;t judhing him like they used to do. They were being encouraging. Except for Perdicas who had a rude way of showing that he cared. Hephaistion also put up no fight to visit Alexander in the royal tent. Ptolemy knew his reasoning for it and didn't quite accept it but understood. Hephaistion had been having terrible nightmares of Alexander. In some dreams Alexander would torture him. In others he was distant and cruel and said things that could cause a grown man to weep. Hephaistion thought the best thing was to distant himself from a king he was beginning to believe he never really knew but Ptolemy knew he was only psyching himself. Hephaistion was convincing himself that passion and love was tampering his judgment and that one could be in love and be unhappy. Was he really happy when Alexander was around or was he actually a slave to him? These were the ongoing thoughts he was having a hard time making sense of. He was confused much like he was when he first met the blonde boy.
Craterus had entered the tent. It was his first time attempting since that time they force fed him. He tried not to startle him but the giant man could never really be subtle with his steps.
Hephaistion was strolling around, without his walking stick and said nothing to Craterus whom he had always disliked but Craterus chuckled knowing that he would be met with silence. "We're leaving to home tomorrow."
Hephaistion sighed in irritation. "Babylon?"
"Yes."
"I never imagined you would call that place home. And what did the people have to say to that?"
"They embraced the oration with excitement and others with confusion. When we told the men of Alexander's condition and what the status of things would be, they were distraught by the unlikeness of it all. Half were convinced he was dead and the other half had hope."
"All were wrong."
The bigger general crossed his arms and glared at Hephaistion. "They demanded to see him and that didn't end too nicely. But they are happy that we're finally going home and taking the king with us despite his inability to decide against it. I personally feel you are strong enough to make the trip if that is still on your list of plans."
"We're going to drag Alexander on a far away journey? Why not toss him over a cliff and be done with him?"
"Why do you do that?" Craterus growled.
"Do what?" Hpehaistion hissed.
"Say shit like that. You're beginning to sound like Cassander. Remember the guy you almost killed because of the shit he would talk about the king?"
"What would be the point to bring him? By the time we reach Babylon, Alexander will have died from starvation and lack of water. That would be humiliating for him."
"You haven't asked about him in days. Sometimes you hate him and other times you would do anything to defend him."
"I imagine that's none of your concern."
"I'm not here to anger you, Hephaistion."
"Then why have you visited? To tell me what I could have figured out myself?" Hephaistion heavily sat at the end of his bed and began replacing the wrap around his thigh wound.
"I am here to question your strength."
"I've always been told that I didn't have strength without him. I'm not sure what strength you speak of."
"I know how far apart we are from ever becoming friends but I'm going to tell you how it is. You love to lie to yourself. Alexander would want you to live and to prosper and if it is without him, he'd understand. He would only want you to move on because he would hate to see you suffer and ruin yourself over him."
"You don't know Alexander at all. When it comes to me, he's beyond selfish. I am his personal profit. If he knew I moved on and became happy in a happier life, he'd haunt my dreams."
"He knows you don't owe him anything."
"I took without thought. I owe him everything. If I moved on, I'd only feel guilt."
"You grew up with him and I watched him grow. We've seen it, yes. We've all done bad things, the things we regret. The things we weren't disciplined on. All of it we weren't prepared for. This isn't who he is. You know him, Hephaistion. Think about a time how Alexander was before he rose to the throne. That should tell you all you need to know."
"That's my concern. I know who he was. What is he now? Who did I fall in love with?"
"There are many things he told me that he could never tell you because they were always about you. He is my greatest friend and he cared about you more than anyone. I can promise you that much. Becoming powerful is frightening even to already powerful men. If he wakes, he won't be the same. He can never go back and he will know that. You need to accept that now. But he changes when you're around. We see glimpses of the young happy child we once knew before he became tainted with the unreasonable thoughts of glory. When he has eyes on you, he is back again. You remind him of his innocence and the goodness of what men could be."
"He is no man, Craterus. He's something else. Not a god. Not an angel nor demon. He's the incarnation of everything we undergo. He loves when he shouldn't love. He's cruel in the kindest ways. He fights for what we believed was glory but truly he is fighting himself. He sees himself in every man, woman and child we've slaughtered with no remorse. The battles in his head, if they don't form and mold into the way he needs it to be, he becomes closer to the edge of infinite insanity. He thinks he must take on any burden because he can handle it when in truth, he sucks it away from us until it kills him slowly. Do you realize the amount of arrogance you must have to think one man can take on the problems of the entire world? That's not brave. That's stupidity. He may be regarded in the military realm as brilliant but in the common world, he lacks senses of all kind."
"He's done many rash things but he's always had you to help him acknowledge that bad habit about him."
"How many mutinies must it take to knock some sense into his fucking head? I'm tired, too. I'm no longer upset that he may die and never wake. I'm upset that he chose to die a cowards way. We all know he is no coward. The time our forces attacked Tyre and he stormed the wall and jumped into the fortified city by himself? It was stupid but courageous. When we barely had any men left and he wanted to battle another Indian army made up of three hundred thousand men? Delusional but brave. He's suffered multiple injuries, hit after hit, over and over and over again but still he needed to be at the front leading his men. And then one rainy day he decides to get pierced in the chest by a fucking spear that he saw coming and welcomed close to his heart. I saw it Craterus as I thought to be bleeding to death on the leafy wet bed beneath me. He welcomed it. He allowed his guard to be down. He chose to die that morning. He looked to the sun peeking through the trees and knew his men were right about him. Something told him to die and he listened to that voice. But he didn't die. No. He's still alive and it pisses me off!"
Craterus briiefly agreed. "Reckless, stupid, arrogant and overly self-confident, he still remained the heart of us. We love him for his loyalty and passion, do we not?"
"Are you trying to get me to understand him better?" Hephaistion replied stiffly.
"No. You know more than anyone why he is the way he is. I'm trying to help you remember why you loved him in the first place."
"I don't need help remembering. Cassander was right in one way. It's easier for me if I forget all about him."
"You only dream of him. Why go out of your way to bring him back?"
"I regret it. I regret it every day because now he just lies there possibly dead, possibly not and we have to wait and hope and hope has already proven useless. If I had just left him under the water, he would be dead with absolute certainty and it would be easier for all of us to move on. He will die a selfish man and the gods are just as selfish for taking him." He was in his emotions again. Angry and saddened.
Craterus couldn't believe how cynical Hephaistion was being. "Take a knife to his throat then. Cut it open and make it certain. If it will bring you relief, do it. I will back you." Hephaistion blinked looking at him. He was confused but mostly mortified. But he knew he couldn't be angry at Craterus for speaking to the contrary. "If you hate Alexander the way you want to hate Alexander, it would be easy. But you love Alexander. Stop trying to find reasons to hate the man dying because you aren't able to face it. You're not moving on any time soon. You have my support. I will leave you now. Remember, of all the bad things he has done, the good hasn't left. He has an excellent grip on what's possible and we do not so we can't even imagine what he will overcome."
Craterus then left and Hephaistion had a lot to think about.
Phai woke up and Alex wasn't next to him. He figured he was downstairs. It was 2 pm and a plate of half eaten breakfast was sitting on the bed. At least he ate a little. Alex must have tucked him in before he left because he didn't remember doing that himself but then again he didn't remember falling asleep. Phai put on a shirt, took the plate and went downstairs but stopped on the last step when he heard Alex and Olympias speaking. He had never heard a conversation between them before and unlike Alex's relationship with Phillip which was more full of spirit and laid back, Alex and his mom spoke in almost a formal distant passion he couldn't quite make out. Tension was high and he shouldn't have listened in on them...but he did and it was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.
"Have you eaten?" Olympias didn't look well. She shared the same sick and pale look her son wore across from her.
"A little." Answered Alex staring deep into the cup in front of him.
"Did you try?"
"I did."
Olympias sighed as she sipped on the lemon zinger tea while he was meant to drink the freshly made coffee she made for him but it wasn't touched. Her husband and child were always hungry so this worried her.
"Did you sleep?" she asked next.
"No. Did you?"
"I did. I got a couple of hours in."
"Good. And you've eaten?"
"Yes."
"You don't have to worry about me eating. Eventually I will." He knew what was on her mind.
"And what about sleep? You struggle with sleep if I remember correctly."
"I do. But you don't have to worry about that either. Eventually I will."
"When you're dead too?" she hissed, her temperament with him finally growing.
The house was empty. All who remained was Phai, Olympias, Alex and the puppy who was curled up between Alex's shoes. Phai's parents took Callista out for lunch, who still didn't know what happened. They would explain it to their young daughter while they were out. Better away from the neighborhood.
"That's not fair." Alex said.
"It's not fair to me that my husband is dead and that my only child will be too if he doesn't take care of himself."
"Dad died because someone shot him. He didn't die of natural causes. Life is the unfairest of them all." Then the blonde finally drank some coffee. It was black how Phillip liked it. It was also as black as his mothers demon eyes glaring right at him.
"Is that supposed to be humor, Alex?"
Alex placed the mug down and leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry. I should take your feelings into account. But I'm not sure how you feel about it. Are you sad that he's gone?"
Olympias glared harder with a risen arched brow knowing exactly what he wanted to say. "Our relationship wasn't healthy but it was still a relationship and I loved your father."
"Did you love yourself? Because you allowed the abuse and then you brought me into it. Would that be his fault or yours?"
"I left because of it!" Olympias angrily snapped. "You have no idea how difficult it was for me to leave you behind with him. I worried every day of my life that he would accidentally kill you. He was clumsy and full of hate for you. I had to worry."
"He didn't hate me, mom."
"You will never understand my love for you. He never understood my love for you. And I will never understand why you hate me so much and not the man who was never there for you when you needed a father."
"I was luckier than my other biological siblings."
"How?"
"He stayed in my life."
Olympias scarcely laughed while leaning back into a less angry body language. "I've done nothing but love you. I know I must have been crazy to think that your father was harmful to you but it never stopped me from worrying. Maybe I must die in order to receive your love."
"I've only loved you. I love you even when you piss me off the same way I loved dad when he pissed me off. That's the shitty thing about family. You feel obligated to love each other just because of blood."
"Really?" she sneered in underhanded disbelief. "Well I think you take advantage of my love. You have a good life because of all I did for you and still do."
Alex rolled his eyes and looked away from her.
"Look at me, Alex."
He did but it was tough to do.
"Who has always been there for you? Tell me, Alex. Who is always there for you!" she demanded possessively.
"You!" He lifted his voice. "You are. And I love you for it."
"That's much better." Olympias picked up the cup once more and as it was brought to her red lips, Alex had said something, throwing her off guard.
"I used to hate living. I still do in ways. Do you hate being alive, mother?" He asked bluntly, hatching up his own scheme to fuck with her.
The deadly eyed woman glared over her cup at him. Then she placed it down and crossed her arms, tapping a pointed red nail against her pale skin. "I'm not going to answer that."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't have to."
A pending silence grew between them. Then Alex cleared his throat and looked right back at her. "Do you know what's going to happen after the funeral?"
"No." Olympias said, hiding her lies behind her unique features.
"I think you do. I think you know exactly what you're going to ask of me."
"It's up to you. I'm not going to force you. Get into a great college and your tuition will be paid for whether you stay here or come back with me."
"Are you going to rub it in my face if I do decide to stay here?"
"No."
He slammed the table. "You're such a fucking liar. You're already doing it. How much guilt do you want me to have for you?"
"As much as it takes, Alexander." There was no pity behind her answer.
"Do not call me that."
"Why not, Hun?" She evilly smiled. "I use your full name when I don't recognize my real son."
He chuckled in noticeable anger. "Colorado is beautiful, mother. I love its mountains and its fresh air and water. I often think about taking my friends there one day especially when it's snowing. They would love the snow, especially Phai. I don't hate living there because of you. I hate living there because I am reminded of everything and everyone I left behind. The people out there are not my friends and they are not my family. Your father is not my family and it amazes me that someone more despicable than my dad is left living and my dad is dead to the world. Your father is a worse man than my dad ever was. You forgive your dad for his abuse but you can't forgive your husband?"
"You don't mean any of this, Alex. I forgave your father."
"After he died?"
"Yes. Lament comes slowly. It always has in this family."
"Your dad does to you what you do to me. He puts guilt in you and you feel you need to be there for him because he's old and doesn't want to die alone."
"Is that what you think I fear? Dying alone?"
"I think you fear the death of me. I think you fear nothing else."
Olympias had nothing to say to that.
"It would be selfish of me to keep us here." Alex continued. "I'd only end up feeling shitty if I left you behind because that's how you want me to feel. I don't want to have a repeat of our last conversation. You know I love you. That's why I'm doing this, sacrificing my happiness for yours. Life has made it very clear, I can't be happy. Do what you think is best, mom. I'm going for a walk."
"Where to?" She spoke through the tears she had held back since the conversation began.
"I don't know." Alex left the house, taking the puppy with him who followed him out.
Olympias watched her son leave, wanting to beg for him to come back but her pride was large. Instead she tossed the half empty cup against the wall and it shattered all over the floor.
Alex walked over to his car, got in and sat the dog in the passenger seat. He took out the keys from his pocket and turned on the truck. But then it died again. He had just got it fixed and he turned to start it but it wouldn't. It gave him nothing. Not a roar or even a smokey engine, nothing. It was completely dead like his father. It was the perfectly worst time for something else to die on him that he loved.
He stared loosely at the door to his house knowing his dad died there at the steps. His home was now a murder scene. Then Alex took the puppy and went missing.
Phai was debating whether or not he should go back upstairs and pretend he didn't hear anything or go down and make Olympias at-least feel like she wasn't alone in her feelings. He took a deep breath and came down the steps completely and quietly. The teary eyed woman was startled a bit when he walked into the dining hall. He didn't say anything to her and put the plate on the counter, cleaned up the broken cup she threw out of anger and sadness and wiped the floor dry.
"How much did you hear?" She asked the boy quietly.
Phai looked up at the sad woman. "All of it." He decided not to lie. Then he stood and dumped the glass in the trash and looked back at her. It wasn't a malicious stare just a understanding and sympathetic one. "Would you like me to make you another cup?"
"No. Thank you." Olympias shifted in minor embarrassment. I apologize. I'll make sure to buy your mother a new one. I hope it wasn't a favorite."
"I wouldn't worry about it."
Then she looked the boy up and down the same way she did the first time she met him but this time she looked less snotty and more respectful. "I see why my boy likes you. You're gorgeous."
"Thank you." He couldn't quite figure out if that was a back handed compliment or a genuine statement.
"I'm not trying to take him from you but I do need my son. He's everything to me."
Phai only nodded not knowing what the appropriate answer was to that. He understood because if Alex was his, he'd need him and want him too. If he had the power, no one but him would have him. "I'm sorry about your loss." Then he left out the front door in search of Alex. He just had a bad feeling.
My son, where is he! Phillip charges through the kingdom like a madman. He received terrifying news for any parent. Young Alexander is nowhere to be found.
We're still searching, my King. Parmenion speaks. You mustn't join the search in case he was captured by an enemy.
He's my son. I must!
For your safety, King Phillip.
The king falls to his knees in dramatic drunk tears. I knew this evil day would come. I knew the gods would take him from me. I have damned my own son with my ways!
King Phillip, we assure you, the gods are watching over him. They would watch over no other until he is found. His trusted friend and officer, Cleitus the Black, announces.
Find him! Bring him to me! The king holds a fear in his eye he's never shown any man in battle.
Cleitus and Parmenion took scouts out. They search and search and eventually the young prince is found. He and his friend were caught further outside the kingdom than their given boundaries. They're brought to the the king who wept but he has to be cruel now.
Hephaistion admits to the fault to protect the prince. I apologize, King Phillip. I wanted to go further out and see more.
Alexander intervenes and owns up to it. I am the adventurous one, father. Hephaistion tried to tell me to go back. I didn't listen and pressured him further.
But it is easier to discipline the boy that wasn't his. Hephaistion, you know what must be done. Commands the king. Be brave. Embrace the pain.
I will. The blue-eyed boy bows bravely.
King Phillip explains the child's discipline to Cleitus, concealing it from his son and Alexander watches his best friend be taken away by two guards.
What will they do to him, father? The prince worries greatly.
A boy who hasn't yet grown out of his fears can't know.
I will take his place. Please, I beg you, father!
These are the consequences, Alexander. You will learn greater this way than any other way. You love that boy and I love you and this will make you think why you need to keep those you love in line.
Please, don't hurt him! The prince begs Cleitus now with eyes full of water.
It's much too late, my boy. Black answers.
The prince turns in horror towards the cries of his friend.
Cleitus pats the boy on his shoulder and leaves the king and the prince behind closed doors.
\
Hephaistion woke up from another nightmare. It was the middle of the might. Ever since he made it back, they came to him every time his eyes closed. It wasn't normal for him to have bad dreams. Alexander, however, had them almost every night. Though, this particular one was less a nightmare and more a dream. It was about Alexander again but this time the king did nothing. He said nothing. He was just there standing among treading mist with his dark eye dripping blood like he had plunged it with a small knife. He had nothing to say and did nothing. That was all. A bad omen or good one, Hephaistion never knew. Maybe his dreams were calming down. Perhaps they weren't. Poseidon's and Zeus's forces combined had taught him how dangerous the calm before a storm can be.
The general left his bed and stood without the stick. He limped but it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. It still hurt but it was no longer excruciating. The infection was dissipating. The fevers were fewer and he was beginning to gain back some of his strength. He was tougher than he looked. Philip reminds him often how dead he should have been so that he may respect his own will to undo the things the gods have claimed no man can undo. That fight was over. Patience now was the only trial and he didn't have to suffer it alone. There were thousands of soldiers and hundred thousands of people who faced the same thing. Awaiting the awakening or the verdict of the king. Time would tell but time was sometimes an illusion.
Hephaistion looked down at the hole in his thigh. The mental challenge of the rape and torture would never go away. He was a man and he would just have to deal with it. That is what King Phillip would tell him every time after an undeserving punishment of rape and humiliation when he was a younger boy only protecting Alexander. Hephaistion couldn't handle the thought of Alexander being banished or put to death as Phillip's feelings about his own boy were all over the place. And he was selfish. He didn't want to be without Alexander.
At times, Phillip loved Alexander and other times he hated Alexander more than the exiled queen herself because Alexander would challenge and dishonor his father in ways Phillip had never been challenged and dishonored before. Phillip would be proud of him for having the balls but showed it by being prideful himself. It was easier for Hephaistion to deal with it. He knew what his only punishment would be. It was always the same until he became a teen. During his teenage years, the disciplined stopped. Phillip was also close friends with his father, Amyntor. But he was never treated by Phillip and his men how the Indians treated him. It was still sick, cruel and unwarranted but taken that way by the enemy? By uncivilized dirty barbarians? There was no lesson to be had. It was only meant to be barbaric.
He closed his eyes from the nauseating thought and when the thought passed he poured himself water and drank it down. The clear liquid felt wonderful trickling down his throat while some escaped his lips, slipping down his naked body. He was naked so that his wounds could breathe and not chafe. Any other time he preferred to sleep in a light night gown. Then a breeze of newly winds ran through him. He shut blue eyes again, remembering how it used to be. He felt a cold and neutralizing tongue licking up his body. The water that dripped down his torso was now a deep red wine. Hephaistion smiled at the memory of the sweet things his king used to do to him. King Alexander would pour the dry liquid all over his lovers bare body and lick it away in a tender seductive motion. It was the only time the general preferred Alexander to drink. This way Alexander wouldn't be completely coveted by the luring substance that turned men dumb because he had the option of a better treat. Hephaistion's desirable body.
He opened his eyes and quickly turned towards the entrance when he heard someone rush into his tent. It was Leonnatus and he looked as if he had just witnessed the most spectacular of things.
"Hephaistion, come quick. It's a miracle."
"What is it exactly? Another shooting star? They come and go." The blue-eyed general scoffed and threw on a robe to cover himself.
The sandy haired man was out of breath but he managed a glorious smile. "It's Alexander, he's awake."
Thank you all for reading! This chapter is made in memory of my dad who had passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was difficult to finalize these last two chapters because I knew death was coming for both Phillip and my dad. I am a huge fan of Phillip and he truly doesn't get the credit he deserves, overshadowed greatly by his son who we also love. If you have read any of my other stories, I am much a fan of Phillip (Philip II of Macedon) and I love writing his character. He is funny, crude, dysfunctional and passionate in good ways and bad ways. He reminds me that real life will always be there no matter what, even after we are all long gone.
I hope you have enjoyed this chapter and there will be much more to come!
-Stranger