Eyes that see Into Infinity, I will Disappear

by I'veAbandonedControl

After bearing an injury, Alexander is reborn into a more modern world as a child. He remembers nothing of his official ancient life except pieces but mostly of his lover. However Alex's life in the new world is also limited. Can he or can he not succeed back as Phai's lover before death finally takes him?

43. Chapter 43

Eyes that see into Infinity

Chapter Forty-Two

End of Part Three

/

Phai parked in-front of the cemetery. It was a very good-looking memorial park and well placed for Phillip. They were somewhat just on time. He turned off the ignition and looked at Alex. "You ready, handsome?"

Alex had his head down. He was avoiding it or thought he could. "I'm not sure."

"If you're not, that's okay too." Phai said comfortingly. "I think you have a right not to be ready."

The used to be blonde then shook his head. "I'm not ready. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm burning up. I feel sick."

"That's because you're freaking out." Alex's chest was pounding and Phai could hear his heart. He was sure that wasn't normal.

"I was fine, earlier. I was fine." Alex repeated between breaths.

"Close your eyes and look at nothing." Phai said as he rubbed at Alex's chest in a circular motion which was both soothing and useful. Alex had eyes tightly shut, trying to tame the burstful breathing. "Here." Phai then reached into his back seat and grabbed a water bottle. He unscrewed the lid and handed it to Alex along with two pills.

Alex recognized the pills. He swallowed them first and then drank the water. He then closed his eyes again and rested his head on the back of the seat. It took about 3 minutes to take effect. Just the panic part. The numbing relaxation will come later.

After he seemed to have it under control, he looked at Phai who was looking back at him waiting for some sort of confirmation. "Where did you find them?" Asked Alex.

"In your car, under the seat. After you left, I thought I'd hold onto them for when you came back."

"How the fuck did I forget them?"

"Because you were distracted by something important. You were angry and, in a hurry, to leave. It's okay to forget things as long as you come back for them." Phai answered running a hand through the black hair. It felt the same. It felt exactly like the blonde hair. There was just less to caress. Alex moaned into it the fingers massaging his scalp. He growled into it. He loved it, like a kitten's fur being stroked. "What else can I do to make you feel better?" asked Phai, sweetly.

"You already know what will make me feel better." Alex glanced his way.

Phai exhaled and nodded. "Okay. Fine. Unzip your pants. And remember, I'm only doing this because I love you."

Alex frowned. "That's not what I meant, Phai."

"What?" Phai was confused.

"A blowjob was not what I was thinking of."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"I meant, let's leave. We don't have to be here."

"I can just drive away, Alex." Phai replied, affectionately. "I don't want to but if that's what needs to be done, I'll drive. Anywhere you want."

Alex was fighting against the decision. Nervousness, sadness, guilt all playing a very big part. "I want to be anywhere but here but that wouldn't be right." But he was also not going to man up anytime soon. "And still, I can't do it." He could imagine all the shit his mother would give him if he decided not to present himself at his own father's funeral.

"I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit." Phai smiled at him. "We got this far. We're this close. Say goodbye. It doesn't have to be loud and it doesn't have to be quiet. But it has to be true. In return there will be no regrets. You don't want to deal with that feeling again, Alex. I can't say trust me because I've never lost anyone before but I need you to trust me. I don't want you living in pain again. It's a bad place to be."

Alex blinked softly. "Isn't pain a normal thing?"

"Not if you let it destroy you."

"I don't think my dad would care if I make an appearance. He'd be embarrassed by it. He would want me to pretend it didn't happen. He would want me to pretend that I never came back. Maybe if I stayed with my mom, he would still be around."

"If you didn't come back, he would have left this world a lot sooner. It was something you can see in his eyes. He needed you there or else he was nothing. He had nothing. As unpleasant as he was, he loved you and he was so happy when you came back home. He will love you more for it, if you go and see him one last time."

"You believe in that?" Finally, a grin lifted at the corner of Alex's cheek even if it was small and short.

"Which part? That your dad loves you? I absolutely do."

"No, the other part. That he's somewhere where he can still see me?"

Phai shrugged loosely. "No, I don't believe in that but I know you do. It's too strenuous to believe that our loved ones watch us from a higher sky after death because then our expectations are off. But just because it doesn't make sense to me, doesn't mean that your dad isn't watching. I'm too ignorant to be okay with that but you're the one with the insight. I'd rather much hear it from you."

Alex licked his lips, questioning the thought. "How would you like to be celebrated after death?"

Phai blinked from the incoming question, not really knowing how to answer or if he wanted to but the question was important to Alex. Alex had a weird infatuation with death. More so the king. "Death terrifies me. Still. But it happens because it must and that's the scary part. We can't put a stop to it. But I wouldn't care who shows up to my funeral. The same way I don't care about who arrives at my birthday party. If you want to be there, be there. If you don't, no hard feelings. I want it small and quiet the same as I live life. I want it done and over. The faster it's over, the faster they move on."

Alex didn't look shocked by it but he did look sad by the answer. He could tell Phai was saddened about something more. Why would Phai think so insignificantly of his own mortality. "There is one thing you cannot expect me to do and that's move on after you're gone."

Phai laughed cutely. "So, what then, you're just going to mourn for the rest of your life? That's irrational."

"That's my plan."

Phai chuckled again. "Okay, what about you? How would you like to be mourned? Would you like a grand and over the top funeral or would you want a simple one where you're gathered only by family and friends knowing that should be enough?"

"I wouldn't want one. It's just...too final."

Phai nodded. "And what about him?"

Alex looked at Phai, surprised he'd even ask about him. "He is a bit dramatic. He would want to be worshiped as a god and buried somewhere no one could find him. He would want to keep the mystery of his death alive. Prick."

"That's not a bit dramatic, Alex, that's insanely dramatic."

Alex laughed. "He can't help it."

Everything that had happened in the last two weeks was becoming very real at this point and Phai had to act immediately before Alex seized up again. He grabbed Alex and kissed him. Kissed him deeply and lovingly. "I love you, Alex." That was all he said. He gave no further explanation. And it took it all away.

Alex licked nervously at his lips. "What was that for?"

Phai kissed him one more time on the cheek, said nothing and patted his leg. And the two boys finally stepped out of the car and headed over to the gathering of people. The oration was being done by Dr. Phillip Conahan, the celebrant, and a very close friend of the family. Alex thought he'd never see him but, in all reality, it would probably be that same man signing his death certificate.

There were more people than Alex had imagined for his dad. Apparently, he was well respected, maybe not loved, but respected. He had always pictured Phillip's funeral joined by only himself and his wife, because of family ties and guilty obligation. He also pictured it to be raining heavily and they would have forgotten their umbrellas and his mother's eye makeup would be dripping and sinking from her face just like her soul. Alex snapped out of it. His parents didn't deserve that.

Alex and Phai parted ways to their assigned seats not looking to anyone for useless reactions. They felt eyes on them but they didn't come for anyone but the man about to be buried.

"Where did you find him?" Amyntor quietly asked when Phai slickly joined his family in the second row posing with hands formally in the front of him as if he had been there the whole time. With his new hair cut he looked very modest and mature. It wasn't what he was going for, it just turned out that way.

"He just showed up." Answered Phai looking somewhat dishonest.

"Good. His mother was about to have an anxiety attack."

"So was Alex."

Phai was nervously waiting for his dad to mention something about his hair. By the look his mother and sister gave him, he knew they were surprised by it and won't let it go once the funeral was over but that's what he loved about his dad. He was respectful enough not to acknowledge the drastic makeovers. His focus was on paying his respects and condolences to the family and to his friend. Olympias on the other hand couldn't stop glaring at Alex's new look through her rounded sunglasses. If anything, that was worse than losing her husband. Because it meant change. And Alex was changing, growing, at a rapid pace.

But the funeral went on. Olympias gave a surprisingly genuine and honorable eulogy. Tears even came. Fake or not, they showed up for the day. She did her due diligence. Alex was supposed to have prepared a speech for himself to give. He had written one, read it aloud to himself once and then burned what he had wrote until it became nothing. He did not speak on his father's behalf. Not because he didn't want to or couldn't but because his father already heard it. It was for no one but his dad. No one needed to know how much Phillip meant to him but him. There was also no way he could stand before all of these people and not break down completely. Alexander, the king, could have spoken for him and it would have been great. But he only appeared when he wanted to and this didn't seem important enough.

Phillip detested the idea of an open casket. Not because it was scary or weird but because he had no reason. If there wasn't a reason for something, why do it? Phillip would tell Alex that, always. Phillip had never gone easy on Alex. He never felt bad for hurting his feelings. He was brutal in behavior and unforgiving in emotion. But there was a reason for it. Alex insisted that he knew the motive behind his father's lack of anything humane but he didn't. Phillip was unnaturally difficult but he only wanted Alex to know the only thing he knew. At least with a closed casket, Alex didn't need to be reminded of the tough times anymore. Looking at a dead face before being buried to nothing should help one see nothing but a dead face. It didn't matter still. He couldn't outrun it. That dead face was there, seen or not.

There were a lot of cries and a lot of smiles of memories and then the burial was finally over much to the family's relief. It felt short. Time seemed off, if time was ever off. And when everyone stood, hugged and talked before they went about their usual lives, Phai remained sitting thinking of his own death as he watched Alex getting showered in hugs and kisses by his friends and loved ones. Even some of Alex's half-siblings came out to celebrate their father who was never there. Phillip was a charming man. Even if hated, he could create a crowd like a celebrity could pull in paparazzi. Then Phai watched as a pretty young girl came up to Alex hugging him tightly. He didn't know who she was but there was a familiarity connection with both contacts. Like a best friend. He looked so happy to see this girl and Phai was naturally curious. His insecurities were far more interested. Alex knew this girl very well and she knew him. Suddenly there was something far more important to ponder than death itself.

"That's Barsine. An ex of his from when he was living with me." Olympias said, coming up beside Phai and taking a seat next to him. She was in a sparkly black pencil fitted dress. Her hair was down this time like she was done taking care of it. "Perhaps he didn't think you needed to know about her but she's a pretty little thing."

"I wasn't aware." Phai cleared his throat pretending that it didn't bother him. He could see that the lady had been mourning through her sunglasses. Maybe more for herself.

"They met at school. For her, it was love at first sight. But isn't it that way for all of us? I can tell by the way you look at her he hasn't mentioned her at all, has he?"

"No." Phai answered quietly as if exhausted by the day already. Though, he was only exhausted and annoyed of his own thoughts. His insecurities were catching up and lately it seemed that everyone wanted him to have as many doubts as possible to help drive him and Alex away from each other. But maybe he was just overthinking it. The people in Alex's life couldn't be that terrible? Who would go out of there way?

Olympias pulled out a cigarette and began to smoke knowing it was prohibited. But her husband just died and she could do whatever the hell she wanted to do. "You need to become familiar with the women that might take him from you one day. It will be more difficult for them than it will for you. Your beauty rivals there's far more but just know it's possible."

"Are you helping me or do you prefer them?" Phai was getting brave. He wasn't holding much back as far as expression. She never remembered him to be a timid boy. He was quiet but nothing in his face read timid to her. As an adult, barely one, he had a new confidence about him. Perhaps it was the new look. He had nothing to hide behind anymore. And he looked sick and tired of being pawned. He wasn't aggressive like Alex or cruel like Cassy. He was delicate and would never hurt a soul which made him vulnerable. But he was expressive.

"I no longer have a distaste toward you, Phai. You have been in my son's life for a very long time and you make him happy. You make him innocent. You also make him sad. I have yet to know why. You probably don't know why either. I hate that he prefers your love over mine but he's growing up, isn't he? You and I never thought we'd see him again. You know, after the death scare and when he thought I maliciously took him away from his father. He is a miracle. Anyway, Barsine is a sweet girl and if it makes you feel better, they didn't last long. Poor thing, she didn't have what Alex was looking for. She didn't stand a chance."

"What does he look for?" Phai asked curiously, in case Alex were to change. In case Alex were to love another.

"Beauty would be anyone's first guess because he is surrounded by it but it can't be that. He wanted a deeper connection not just a filler. He wanted you because you gave him that. Alex knew you before he even knew you. It worked out perfectly it seems. Phillip had the accident and it forced Alex back home. You see, Alex always comes back to you. What do you have that the rest of us don't?" She glared directly. "Hmm? What spell have you cast?"

"I don't know how to answer that." Phai said with a growing self-doubt.

Olympias smirked, entertained by the boy. Deeply curious to know where all of his frailty stemmed from. "A dick. You have a dick. Alex is into men and I'm now pretty sure his daddy issues had much to do with it. He always craved his attention. Always looked up to him knowing how bad it was for him. I think he just wanted Phillip to love him no matter what. Just like he wants you to love him no matter what, like he's deserving of your love, no matter how much of a monster he becomes. So arrogant." She scoffed to herself. "Do you want to know something else about Alex?"

Phai was being pulled in as much as he just wanted to walk away. "What?"

"He has far more insecurities than an abandoned and abused puppy left on the side of the road to die. Imagine he's the puppy and he's picked up by new owners. They seem loving at first but they turn out the same as his old owners. Haven't you noticed what it is that terrifies him? Women. Because women burn him. They covet him. They smother him until he's dead. Women are the owners of that sad little puppy. I do understand why he despises me. You see, he doesn't know what dream to chase. So, he just dies a little inside each day because it's easier to die than it is to deal. It's easier to die than to dream which is why he refuses to sleep. I've seen his future like the witch he thinks of me. I've seen yours too. Women will be the death of you both."

Phai, holding back, stood and looked down to her. The grey weather was matching the color in his eyes, something beyond the blue. Alex did say it should have rained. "I really am sorry for your loss."

"Am I wicked to you?"

"Yes. But don't flatter yourself. Everyone is wicked to me."

"Even Alex?"

"Yes. The difference is, he doesn't like it. You do."

"And what about you? We're all very curious about you? Are you wicked?"

"I have never been but when I get there, you will never know."

She smiled, amused again by the response. "Phai, darling, whatever Alex decides to do and wherever he decides to go, don't hate him for it. But also, don't be fooled by him. There's a lot more going on with him and he could hurt you one day. But you are lucky because you've had him at his most human. The second he becomes a man, truly a man, he will be worse than his father. He will be worse than me. Phillip died before he lost his mind. Alex will lose his completely. If you're still around by then, you'll see and then you'll thank me later."

Phai stared down at her for a while. Seeing the evil but also seeing a very sad human being. He then smiled once more, and gave her his condolences before leaving her side. He would never forgive himself for saying something disrespectful to the woman whose husband just died. After quickly leaving he had met up with Tolem and the other trail of people who were heading back to their vehicles.

Roxanne and Cassy were walking together. Of-course. But poison always hooked up with venom. Cassy had eyes on Phai and Roxanne had eyes on the new girl walking along side Alex. Both of their curiosities lifting like a sunflower towards the sun.

"Who the fuck is that?" Roxanne hissed, jealousy clearly already among them.

"How about you go introduce yourself." Cassy said being his normal rude self. "Who knows, you two might realize you have the same taste in makeup."

"Trust me, no one wants that."

"I do. We're already dressed for another funeral whether it be hers or yours."

Roxanne ignored him.

"They look as though they are just really good friends. No need to be a jealous cunt. It's unattractive." Cassy said.

"He doesn't need to act like we don't exist either."

"He sees us almost every day. He hates us almost every day. He's only acting accordingly."

"We'll see about that." Then she stormed off with her father. Cassy rolled his eyes and caught up with Cleitus.

Meanwhile, Tolem was asking his own questions.

"Who is that?" He asked. Because that's what everyone's attention seemed to be on.

"Apparently a good friend." Phai said trying not to engage.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Phai tried to smile to prove a point. Then it dropped instantly.

Tolem chuckled. "I'm only saying this as a friend. Sometimes you refuse to admit that you get jealous."

"That's not true."

"It is. Your eyes turn a sadistic blue. And now that your hair is gone, I really see it this time. It's a good look."

"Whatever."

Tolem knew something else was wrong. Phai wasn't acting like himself, new hair aside. "Phai, are you sure you're good?"

"I'm fine, Tolem."

"Phai, you don't see it but everyone else does. We know when you're pissed or annoyed because you strongly give it away. Like now, your eyes change. They get this raw, mean look to them."

"I said whatever."

"Fine. Be in denial."

"I'm not denying it. I get jealous. It's human. But I rarely do. I don't care about that. I don't care about her."

Tolem stopped Phai with a gentle hand to his arm. "I'm sorry that I brought it up. But if it's not that, what is it?"

"I'm not mad. I'm nothing. It's nothing."

"What did his mom say to you. I saw you two talking. Did she bring up something that's making you irritable right now?"

Phai said nothing. Admitting it was a shameful thing.

"She's bad news. Don't listen to shit she says. You know that."

"But what if she is right?"

Tolem frowned heavily. "About what?"

"I've been naive before, Tol's. She pretty much told me in her words that no matter how much Alex loves me, I can never have him. That he'll keep coming back and keep leaving."

"Like a boomerang?"

"Sure, Tolem."

"What does it matter if he's coming back to you?"

"That girl he's with, they used to date. He never told me that he had a girlfriend. This whole time I'm thinking, I was his first and only. But I also know that I'm fucking stupid for thinking that was a possible thing. People date around and it's perfectly okay. People can fuck who they want and it's fine. So why do I think I have the right to be mad at Alex for dating or even thinking about dating or being with someone else? Why does the thought of him with someone else fucking destroy me? I'm being selfish because I know that Alex isn't mine forever. I had the nerve to think I never had to worry about another person coming in and taking him away. I guess that's what I deserve for thinking that he was going to be the only one to actually love me for me."

Tolem sighed and then turned Phai's body toward Alex's direction. "Look at Alex. Don't look at her, look at him. Your relationship is solid." He reassured, like he was selling something on TV. It was great that Phai felt comfortable enough to pour his heart out in front of him. He knew Phai was insecure and depressed but he never heard it. He's seen it, but never heard it out loud. It was relieving to listen to him get it off his chest but it was also hard to see his best friend going through something he couldn't help him through.

Phai did look. He looked as if he was about to endure some type of danger or pain. And Alex kept staring glances his way looking like he did before they spoke as children. When Alex would stare and say nothing. His attention was elsewhere but his eyes longed to be somewhere else. And he found Phai every time. But there was no body language in Alex suggesting that they were more than friends. But that didn't always matter. He could have been pretending.

Tolem chuckled and nudged him. "See. Like I said, nothing to worry about. You're being paranoid which is actually extremely common in new relationships. He's probably thinking the exact same thing about you. Alex would die if he found out you liked someone else. That's how far it would take him. Alex loves you and any changes he seems to be going through doesn't change that."

They continued to walk.

"He won't tell me what happened when he was gone. He won't tell me and it's bugging me."

Tolem nodded understandingly. "Maybe it's something behind the scenes that's not as important as we all may think."

"Behind the scenes is the most expressive part of a feature. He tried cutting out his eye, he dyed his hair and he got a tattoo. Not to mention the drinking and smoking and going to Florida. Florida? Really? That's such bullshit."

"Everyone keeps things hidden from people they love out of fear you may see them differently. I don't tell Thais everything and never will. Ask yourself this, do you want to know what happened with him? And will it change your idea of him if you found out?"

Phai sighed, finally coming around. Or trying to. "You're right. But he does things he knows isn't good for him. He does things and I don't know why he does them. It has to be intentional at this point."

"Maybe he doesn't know why he does what he does."

"I would believe that but I've seen the side of him who loves torturing himself. He knows why he does it. I think he thinks he must suffer for things he has never done but thinks he's done. I keep telling him that he's not that person, or doesn't have to be. I have no idea how hard he's fighting."

Tolem stopped him once again, letting the people go by so to not have an audience or any one listening in. "Phai, remember that time I was upset with Alex because we got into that big altercation?" Phai nodded, understanding exactly where this was headed. Tolem continued. "You told me everything I'm telling you now because I was having my doubts, the same doubts, you are expressing to me. What happened between then and now?"

Phai looked down at the very green grass. He cleared his dry throat, then proceeded to shake his head. "Maybe...I don't know. I don't know why. I was understanding at first because I thought I knew what he was going through. Turns out, I have no idea."

A supportive look crossed Tolem's face. "Here is my honesty. You've heard it from me before. I think Alex needs help. Professional help. I don't think he can solve this self-discovery thing on his own. We've already determined that when he's angry he's almost like a completely different person and his blackouts are getting more potent. He's died once in his life and because of it he could be dealing with the silent trauma of it. I know you don't like me saying this but there is no easy way. We can't be in denial about it anymore. He could have some serious schizophrenia, and who the hell knows what else. It's the only thing that makes sense. What he needs is a therapist or a doctor to diagnose it."

It did make sense, but again, Phai will never admit to it. "He's been going through this long before both accidents. But I do agree, it's taken a toll."

"It doesn't mean he's broken."

"I mean, I think what he's going through is real. He just can't seem to get over that persistent unhappiness." Phai tried to explain. It sounded as if he was mostly talking to himself because who would believe him if he had told all of Alex's truths. Alex has been keeping it to himself for a reason. Friends and family would label him as crazy. Phai couldn't even lie, when Alex first told him, it sounded out of sorts and wildly at odds with reality. He was right, it was. But it was Alex's reality. Phai didn't judge him for it, in fact he listened, sympathized, talked with him, asked questions, accompanied him and participated through it all. Now, what was there left to do other than to tell Alex how bat-shit crazy he is and to seek help immediately before he hurts himself or others.

"Illness is real but it shouldn't be. And persistent unhappiness can lead to self-destruction. Stress, anxiety and depression are all common but it's all very serious stuff. But I think there's more to it than the normality. I think we can both agree that we don't want Alex to self-destruct. With his upbringing, think about it, he can't remember anything before he was thirteen. His parents are both crazy. Definitely with mental illness of their own. Genetics. He had weird relationships with both of them, especially his mom, both very abusive. Mentally, emotionally and physically. We saw that one time when him and his dad fought in the kitchen like it was normal. Alex does things that aren't normal. He's mentioned hallucinations before, we've definitely witnessed him in a delusional state before. He for sure has SPD, with the adopting his father's appearance and persona thing. This isn't easy for me to say but Alex has issues. I love him to death but we both know he needs to talk to someone. We can't help him on our own no matter how much we think it's up to us. He has to help himself."

What Tolem said did make sense. Phai had done his own fair share of research and the symptoms matched the disease. But again, he wouldn't admit it. Alex was going through something not a soul alive would be able to comprehend. But he hated that it made sense. Alex needed help but would Alex accept help?

"There's his doctor." They both watched as Dr. Conahan was shaking hands with the guests. "I wonder how much he knows?"

"Alex wouldn't want us knowing anyway." Phai replied.

"We should ask him."

Phai glared at him. "It's confidential. He won't give that information out freely. And Alex would never trust us again if he found out we went behind his back to get private information about his medical records."

"Alex would never lose trust in you. In me, yes, but you, no. That doctor right there would tell you or at least fill you in because you're Alex's emergency contact."

Phai frowned in confusion. "What did you just say?"

"Alex has you listed as his emergency contact?"

Phai blinked in confusion. "How?"

"Uh, because he wrote your name on the line under 'Emergency contact'."

"No, I mean how do you know? I didn't even know that."

"Well, I don't know exactly, but who else would he have inform doctors on medications and other pertinent health issues? Not his mother, that's for sure. He has no one he trusts. No family. No one." They were interrupted by Thais shouting at them and waving them over. "Think about it."

They finally made it to Tolem's car together. Thais was inside, already ready to leave.

"Hey, if he loved you, he would be okay with the idea of therapy." Tolem said as he walked around to the driver's side. "Just mention it and see what he says about it. If it's a touchy subject, I will be more than happy to assist you. You know, in case Alex goes berserk."

"He hates therapists. He once told me that next to lawyers, they're the evilest people on the planet." Muttered Phai. "I say it's a lost cause."

Tolem snickered. "We all hate therapists because they are always right. We hate lawyers because they're always wrong."

Phai chuckled. "Whatever."

Tolem nodded with an achieved look on his face. "If anyone can convince Alex of anything, it's you. Anyway, see you back at the house?"

"It depends on Alex." Phai replied.

"He'll come." Tolem opened the car door, got in and Phai watched him drive off. Phai sighed and walked back to his car, leaned against his door and waited until Alex was done with Barsine. They were about ten cars behind his. He was watching them but trying not to. He could just do the polite thing and go introduce himself but it never really was that easy. Then an unexpected visitor politely interrupted him with a hand out and a parted-lipped smile. "You must Phai. I'm Dr. Conahan, the family physician."

Phai shook the silver-haired man's hand after realizing what was going on. "Hi." He answered nervously only because he and Tolem were just talking about him. "Uh, you made a great speech." He almost had trouble piecing together a coherent sentence.

"Thanks. I apologize if I caught you by surprise. Alex mentions you, a lot. I just thought I'd introduce myself to the one person who may know more than me. It's good that he has someone he can trust and confide in to get through everything he's been dealing with. He's stronger than he is."

"He's been handling it really well." Phai was surprisingly over his reticent indecency. "Not according to his mom but she's always been known to exaggerate or exaggerate insufficiently."

"She's never been one to coach in social graces. Take it from me. Anyway, it was nice to finally meet you." The doctor smiled warmly and walked away and Phai didn't know what to think. How did this man know so much, why did it feel he was hinting at something and why didn't Alex tell him he put him down as his emergency contact?

Dr. Conahan drove away and Phai looked back over and watched Alex give Barsine another hug. Shortly after, Alex was making his way back to the car.

"You ready?" Asked Phai pretending nothing bothered him all day.

"Yea." Alex said with a smile. "You alright?"

"Yea." Phai smiled back. It was good to see how refreshed he looked from before the funeral to now. Seeing Alex happy could bring his heart to stop. Barsine seemed to have been the reason. Why couldn't he do that for him? What about him makes Alex sad? His crazy mother was right. "You did good. I don't know where your mind was half the time but you were physically present. I'm proud of you."

They drove back to a full house for the reception and gathering. They didn't say anything to each other, not because they had nothing to say but because it was a long but short tiring day and was only about to become more overwhelming. It was as if they were saving their final breath for later. They were the last to arrive and Alex didn't want to seem to get out of the car. The neighborhood was packed with cars parked anywhere available.

"What's wrong?" Phai asked.

"I've been trying to avoid my mother." Alex admitted.

"You should have a conversation with her. It might help considering where you guys left off."

"How do you know how we left off?"

"I heard everything. Your conversations tend to turn real bad real fast. You need to know how to speak to her. Maybe don't light the fuel she's pouring on you."

"She gets under my skin. She's great at it. Speaking of that, what was she telling you? I could tell she got under yours too."

Phai shifted uncomfortably. "She just...gave me advice."

"About what? How to be deceptive and controlling?"

"About love." Phai sugarcoated.

"She's the worst kind of lover. How can she give advice about it?" Alex was again quick to anger.

Phai chuckled. "See, you're getting fiery again. Alex, be nice. Pretend you feel sorry for her. Come on. Let's go socialize some more."

But Alex didn't follow direction. "Did he say anything to you?"

"Who?" Phai critically blinked.

"My doctor?"

Phai estimated he was about to get 100 percent angry. Alex didn't look angry but the estimate made the most sense for his incalculable behavior lately. Expect the worse.

"I mean, if he did say something, it's okay." Alex pressed further.

"He said nothing, Alex. And if he tried, I wouldn't have allowed it because it's not my business. Unless you make it my business. Is there something I should know?"

"No." Alex said and Phai noticed a single blonde strand intertwined with his sharp raven hair. It stood out like it was a symbol of some kind. He was drowning in it. And Phai wondered how one string was impossibly missed during the dyeing process. "There's nothing." Again, Alex looked fine leaving it at that.

They both exited the cars and walked into the crowded house of supporters and already it was overloading for Alex. He was being smothered by people he didn't even know but apparently knew him. Most of the time he spent asking himself mentally who the fuck were these people and then trying to guess only to get it completely wrong. They would introduce themselves as cousins and friends of cousins and aunts and uncles his parents apparently never cared for. He didn't know one face, or one name. So, he smiled and pretended he was happy to see these people he had never met a day in his life. It was also the worst time to think harder about why he had no memory of his younger years. He frowned deep in thought, but he was drawing blanks. He was thinking so hard about it, he didn't realize his mother had found him and kissed him on the cheek, leaving a wet mark.

...And then his very first memory of him watching Phai sitting in the boat, on the pond, from the hill behind his house, vanished.

"Honey, you look pale still." Alex snapped out of it and just blinked at his mother wondering where the fuck she came from. He thought he had been skillful and strategic enough avoiding her. Apparently not. Of course, she was going to find him eventually. Everyone always finds him. "I'm talking to you, sweetie."

"Yea. Hi, mom." He hugged her.

"Where have you been." She asked hugging him with the same tightness she did when he had drowned that one day as a boy and died that one time when he was a teen.

"I was...I'm fine. I was just having a hard time."

"Was it because of our fight we had?"

"No. I'm just upset about dad." He hoped admitting to that would make her feel better. It wasn't at all far from the truth though there were many things he was upset about.

"Everything will be fine. You still have me." Then she kissed him on the cheek again and then said the words that would pull him into her mind-bending slippery arms. "I love you so much, Alex. Never leave like that again. Not without telling me."

Alex nodded. "Yea, I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Good. I miss your blonde." She could cry over it. "You looked like an angel and now you look like your grimy father."

"Thank God for non-permanent dye." He said with a quick tongue.

She instantly glared and he smiled. "I see that your dry humor is the same. Remember a smart mouth isn't attractive." Then she gasped as if the world ended before her eyes. "What happened to your eye?"

Before he gave another smart-ass remark, thank god, her attention was pulled somewhere else and his smile died drastically after detecting her cruel intention. Then he went to find Phai who was hanging in the corner of the room like a loner with no friends.

That was the thing about Phai, he could have plenty of friends and plenty of conversations because he was smart and likable. But he didn't socialize much. He wasn't a snob. He wasn't. He didn't have social anxiety either. He just... didn't fit in. And that's okay. He was never mad about it. Sometimes he was happier that way. His looks were everything to people. It was rare that anyone meant to know him for anything else. Girls wanted to hang with him because he was pretty. Gay men wanted to bang him because he was pretty. Straight men mocked him because he was pretty. He never felt attached to any position society had to offer. There was no honor in it. His reputation was an undefined one. He doesn't have a bursting persona but one thing is definite, he is charming, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, complimentary and sensitive with the perfect hint of ferocious intensity. A wildness I have only seen a couple of times...but only if you got in my way of him.

"Alex?"

Alex was staring at Phai, again forgetting that he approached him with something to say. But he was in his head and Phai smiled widely. "Hey, Alex, is something wrong?"

Alex blinked and pretended he wasn't just staring at Phai for over a minute in silence. "I was just going to say that I'm going to head upstairs really quick."

"Okay." Phai didn't appear to mind.

"I just didn't want you to wonder where I disappeared to."

"I understand, Alex. You need time away. Just don't be too long. Don't leave me down here with these people. Some crazy older lady asked if I was a prostitute and when I said no, she apologized and gave me this drink. I think that was your dad's sister?"

Alex frowned, took the drink from him and set it down somewhere. "Why would you drink from a cup a crazy old lady gave you?"

Phai gasped jokingly. "Am I in danger?"

"No. But you are standing in the corner of my house, looking around as if your waiting for something illegal." He kissed him on the cheek becoming less and less subtle about keeping his feelings for him a secret. But no one saw. As far as they knew. "I'll be back."

Alex then headed upstairs to get away from the noise for a couple of necessary minutes and Phai tried to look less like a male escort and went to go find Tolem.

When Alex entered his room, he felt he could breathe again. Nothing like the comfort of your own bedroom you never spend time in. He was the absolute opposite of the king he was supposed to be. The king loved noise. He loved to be cherished and surrounded. Alex hated it. He loosened his tie and dropped onto his bed. Fall asleep. Sleep. Sleep! He yelled through his mind. But it wasn't that easy. Nothing ever came easy for him. Because the king laid right down next to him in a silk gown and long blonde locks loose and everywhere.

"Do you know what our mother told him? I imagine you have a good idea. I hope you're no fool to think this will ever go away. They will make his life hell and you must protect him."

Alex said nothing and turned to his side facing the opposite of him and tried closing his eyes.

"Did you tell our father that we miss him?"

"Yes." Alex tiredly blinked.

"Good."

"Why didn't you show to the funeral?

"My father has been dead thousands of years. I've done my mourning." And then Alexander turned on his side, opposite of Alex and closed his eyes.

---

Phai was passing through the crowd trying his best to stay out of everyone's way. He couldn't find Tolem but he was relieved that his dad had found him. Amyntor came up to him and kissed him on the top of his freshly cut head. "You doing okay." He asked Phai who looked a little lost.

"Yea." Phai sighed. "Are you?"

"Yea. It was a nice ceremony." Amyntor replied. "The food is good. Have you tried the food."

"It was. And no, I'm not very hungry." Phai replied. Then he didn't know what else to say and neither did his dad.

"What a crowd, right?" Amyntor spoke just to speak. Phai could tell he was agitated by the way he was. He either didn't want to be there or he was dealing with something else. Phai knew that because he was feeling the same way.

"Dad, I hope you're not thinking any of it was your fault." Phai spoke quietly sensing his father's distress.

"No, of course not." Amyntor rejected the burden of the thought.

"You're drinking. I watched you take two shots. You never take shots. Callista thought it was cool and told mom so now mom is probably worried for you." Phai whispered seriously.

"I'm fine, Phai. Your mother worries about everything."

"People keep saying they're fine and so far, it hasn't been true." The biggest culprit, himself.

Amyntor looked like he was going to say something like 'I promise, I'm fine' but it never left his mouth and he just walked away after patting Phai on his head and saying. "Go have fun."

"Dad!" Phai growled by the dismissal and went after him. "Go home. Go fucking sleep."

"Why the unnecessary cussing, Phai? We talked about your language."

"It's not difficult to pinpoint what the problem is. I'm sorry but you're clearly tired, so go home. It's okay if you go home." Phai voiced strongly and encouragingly.

"You're right. I should sleep." Amyntor replied. "But it's far-reaching if you think anything else is the matter." He stared at his son who wore a face of urgency like no other and knew he was wrong to not have taken him seriously right away. "Okay. I'll go."

"In your bed, not the couch."

"Sure." Amyntor took the advice, said his goodbyes to Olympias and took Callista back home. The day was too long for her no matter her young energy. Funerals were draining. She also spent most of her day chasing around the puppy so that was also draining. His mom stayed behind to help Olympias with the cleaning but would soon go rest herself.

Feeling somewhat good about his dad, Phai finally found Tolem and the rest of the friends who were mostly hanging outside. It was a sunny day but rain clouds were slipping through.

"Hey Phai." Tolem said.

"Hey." Phai came up beside him as the two leaned over the deck watching the friends wrestling on the grass.

"I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did inside. Those old ladies wanted to eat you up."

"Funny." Phai replied before his mind drifted elsewhere.

"Want a drink?" Cleitus shook a drink in his face. "Looks like you can use one."

Phai took it, not thinking about it, because he was thinking about something else, drank from it. After realizing what is was, after a chug and a half, he spit it out and pushed the cup aside. "Cleitus, what the hell, this is alcohol!" His eyes briefly shot through the friends who found it hilarious.

"You never had alcohol before, how would you know what it tastes like?" Cleitus countered.

"I know what it tastes like. I'm not an idiot!"

Cleitus poked his shoulder and laughed, clearly already tipsy. "Cheers anyway." He took the drink back and strolled back to the yard.

Tolem reached over to the igloo of cold soft drinks and handed Phai an unopened can of sprite. "Don't you know better than to accept open drinks from people?"

"Apparently not."

"Is he okay?" Phai didn't think he'd care but he did. No matter how many of Alex's friends he disliked, he still cared about their mental well-being.

"Yea, he will be fine." Tolem answered. They were talking about Cleitus. They knew how much Cleitus loved Phillip and Phillip loved Cleitus. "He's going to drink but at-least he won't drink himself to death. What about Alex. How's he? Haven't seen him all day."

"The outside, he's doing great. The inside, who really knows. But he's not drinking so that's refreshing." Then he just had to get it off his chest. "Why does everyone always result to drinking?" Phai seemed annoyed by it. "I don't get it."

Tolem turned to him. "Not everyone is you, Phai. Some people aren't mentally and emotionally strong enough so they let the alcohol do the talking and acting for them. It's easier."

"Yea, like Alex." Thais said out of nowhere. "And his dad and now your dad, Phai."

Phai glared at her. "My dad doesn't drink to solve his problems."

"Maybe not before but he's definitely drinking now. I don't blame him. To experience that must have been...scarring."

"Thais, back off. Go find Roxanne." Tolem said to get rid of her before she said anything more. For once she wasn't intentionally being insensitive. She was just thinking out loud.

"I don't even know where she is." She said.

"Probably sucking Cassy's dick!" Phil shouted out.

Thais nodded. "Probably that."

Tolem looked at Phai again but this time apologetically. "By the way, everyone has been drinking."

"Even you?" Phai questioned.

"A little." Tolem looked ashamed to say. "But I feel fine. It was only a beer."

"There's that word again."

"What word?"

"Forget it. Where the hell are the adults?"

"Why are you always so damn judgmental?" Said Cleitus back in his space again. "Let us have our fun."

"If this is what you consider fun then that's my cue to leave." Phai muttered, then left them almost as quick as he came. He headed back inside still feeling out of place. He thought he could go upstairs and get away from people he didn't want to be around and be around the one person he wanted to be around. No one would notice. Actually, there were about six people present who would notice his absence. Some who loved him, some obsessed and some who wanted nothing to do with him. It was strange how Alex, who was generally always down in the dumps, was the only person who could lift his spirits. Speaking of spirits, Phai spotted two who belonged in Hell. Cassy and Roxanne. But they weren't together. They were making it obvious how much they were trying to avoid each other mainly by the flirtatious glares and ricocheting chemistry.

Cassy was standing in his own corner being standoffish, with a bow tie removed and hands balled in his pockets, looking like he didn't want to be there but where else could he go, thought Phai. His parents were twats, according to Cassy. He was a street roamer, a lot like Alex, but the difference was, Alex had a home to go back to even if it was suffocating. Cassy's parents didn't want him there at all. Now they could legally keep him out of the house because he was of age. Which is why he has been staying with Cleitus. Cassy wasn't an upstanding person by any means. After all, he was the child of the parents who were bragging about how they had been friends with Phillip and Olympias for years but also wanted nothing to do with the aftermath. But Cassy deserved some love from at least somebody. No matter how slithery he was.

Eyes left Cassy and were now on Roxanne. She was on the complete opposite side of the house near the stairway. He watched her sneak upstairs and he had to worry, because Alex was upstairs. She was an added reason for his insanity. But Phai couldn't stop it though. He shouldn't even have thought of stopping it. Alex was very capable of taking care of himself. But never in the best way.

Cassy noticed Phai looking and invited himself over, smoothly slipping next to him. Phai was trying to look somewhat social but it was only further awkward. He was touching stuff that didn't need to be touched and standing with unnatural placement. Cassy almost felt bad for him.

"Hey." Said Cassy, casually.

"Hi." Phai answered, dismissively.

"You seem a little off today." He pointed out.

"Really? You don't think everyone seems a little off today?"

"I mean, you look tense and not at all relaxed. That's all I'm saying."

"So, I've been told."

Cassy clicked his tongue repeatedly not really knowing what to say next. "Not drinking with the friends?" He asked and knew that was the wrong way to go with the conversation. Cassy sent him a saucy smile.

"Is there a reason why I should?" Phai generously asked, keeping the useless conversation alive.

"A man just died. A man very close to your boyfriend or whatever you two call yourselves. I figured Phillip deserves a drink from everyone, especially the only one who won't. And again, you're not relaxed. Maybe a drink will help loosen you up. I can make you one. Cleitus's bartender friend showed me how."

"No thank you. I find that drinking makes things worse. And everyone knows how I feel about it." Phai cleared up once again. "I also hate repeating myself."

"I think you have a sad way of thinking. And living. In other words, you're boring and take no risks. Imagine the person you could be if you did."

"I've also been told that. Again, I'm not easily influenced by others no matter how boring and cautious they think I am. But thanks for that, I will work on it someday."

Cassy instantly regretted what he said. He never truly knew if he was hurting his feelings or not. It was hard to tell. Phai looked like he was always hurt and always sad but Cassy never knew what was beyond it. The feeling was like a drug, talking shit just to see him react. He craved a reaction. Specifically, his reaction. If Phai wasn't yelling at him or with tears in his eyes, his job wasn't done. "You know, you don't have to worry about Roxanne and Alex. Or that new girl. Or that other girl."

"Thanks for your concern but you always have this interior motive behind telling me shit."

"I actually don't have one this time." Cassy grumbled, carefully checking himself. "I just truly think you have nothing to worry about. Alex isn't a typical man. He doesn't get hard-ons like the rest of us. He doesn't think with his cock like me or with his brain like you. He thinks with his heart, the weakest fucking organ in the whole goddamn body. Trust me, Alex could have anybody he wants because for some reason everyone is oddly attracted to him. Roxanne is a bitch but she's hot. Dicks rise for her and she puts out. But if Alex wanted it, he would have taken it. That new chick over there, fucking gorgeous by every definition of the word, but my Cassy senses tingle around her. They've been telling me that Alex sees her as just a friend and that she wants him to be more than that. I could be wrong but he's clueless about it and she doesn't know how clueless. And the bartender, cute and fun, but we both know Alex only likes the free spirits because of how daring it is. You on the other hand are not crazy and he needs someone to tip the scale. Because let's be honest, Alex is all sorts of crazy."

Phai didn't say anything right away but there was a voice in the back of his head telling him things. Bad things. As bad as those thoughts were, Cassy was probably right. Weirdly he usually was. That's what happens when your widely observant. Phai is similar but only observant when he wants to avoid something. Cassy stalks and prowls for information.

"Alex is not crazy, Cassy." Phai was only looking straight ahead, refusing to be riled by the man alongside him.

"You don't have to be polite around me. You also shouldn't feel like you need to hold back against yourself. Alex is crazy and it's okay to say it. You're not a bad person for thinking it."

"He's not crazy!" Phai snapped, wondering how much more it would take for him to completely fly off the handle. "Now piss off somewhere."

Cassy scoffed as his eyes latched onto Phai, not considering his turn to anger. "He is absolutely crazy. Don't take my word for it. Be open to the signs, Phai. You are in love with insanity. An endless supply of it. His mother alone should be proof of that. What's her deal anyway? Do you two have some sort of confined relationship now that you both crave the same thing? I saw you two talking and obviously by both of your reactions it was about Alex."

"It's not your problem."

"It is my problem. Alex is my friend too."

"Ha. Funny."

"Yea, laugh about it." Cassy said smirking, like he always is. Then a new conversation began. "How badly do you think she wants her son to fuck her?"

Phai wasn't trying hard at all to mask how annoyed he was. He knew what to expect with Cassy and had no idea why he didn't just walk away. "That's not what's happening between them."

"It's true. Hell, they probably have already." He leaned in closer to him. "Have you noticed the way they talk to each other? She covets every part of him. She speaks and he obeys. If she has that much power over him, imagine the things she could make him do."

Phai didn't want to hear any more of it so instead of listening, he would end it instead. "You know, she's a lot like you." He faced him with a coarse grin. "Sneaky, manipulative, evil. I would add in brilliance but that's too generous and not very fair to the actual evil geniuses that control the world. How about that, I described Roxanne as-well. What a trio, you all are. Each and every single one of you, the same. I don't know what is you people have against me but it's growing to be immature and spiteful for reasons I can imagine is less about me and more about saving face. I can only numb myself from it for so long. I don't want that negative energy around me because I don't ever want to have to be that way towards you. Not because I care about your feelings but because I know how I can be if push came to shove. I can humiliate you if and when I wish to do so but I'm not going to because of ethics and morals. You know, basic human shit. Sometimes I visualize about being vocal and risky and provocative but it's only that, a thought. A thought that I'm scared of and you should be too. If you don't know how to be a decent human being that's perfectly fine with me. But don't be that indecent human around me. It's just so sad that you people would rather obsess over everyone else's chaos but your own."

Cassy was more turned on than anything. "Oh my, it must be ball sprouting season."

"I've always had balls, Cass. I just use them when I need to. Speaking of balls, it got me thinking, that you two, Roxanne and yourself, would actually make a perfect evil couple. I was watching you earlier, the way you took to one another. There's just something there. Something that sparks and ignites. And there will be no cons to the relationship because you two are so fucking sickening and awful that it will be like fucking broken shards from a shattered mirror and you'd never feel it. You would feel nothing. Isn't that a beautiful thing?"

The comment got under Cassy's skin instantly. He hated Roxanne as much as anyone and he didn't need someone telling him otherwise. "We only did it once." He answered defensively. "And it meant nothing." He made sure to reiterate.

"Hmm. Yea. I see. Once is still enough to feel sick at heart, don't you think?" Phai whispered to him with an unforgiving tone. "And the best part about it, at the end of the day, it didn't matter, because you both didn't get your way like you thought you did. It was like you two didn't realize that you played a trick on yourself. How rich."

"I got my way, Phai." Cassy hissed back, finally breaking under Phai's lovely sprouted condescension no longer feeling the attraction just seconds before. "You just don't know about it. You have no idea what my intentions were and you have no idea where they are now!"

Phai stared at him, studying Cassy's angry expression but the blue bright orbs were only teasing and insulting. "Sure you did. But I think the reason why you're so angry right now with me is because you know that I didn't care. And if I don't care, it means you did it for nothing and if Alex doesn't care, you both did it for nothing. I can also tell by the look on your face that we're done here. You should reflect on it later. It might help ease the sexual tension between you two. Besides, a Roxanne and Cassy wedding? Yuck." He remarked with a tantalizing smile before walking away. He went to the kitchen where people weren't and went to pour himself some water.

---

Roxanne slipped into Alex's room and the blonde was laying on his bed looking up at the ceiling. He didn't look to be in a social mood or even a good one.

She knocked on his open door. It wasn't a quiet knock but it also wasn't a loud one. Alex just wasn't paying anything or anyone any attention. Spaced out again. Like usual. "Alex, we're worried about you. You should come down stairs."

The blonde turned to her, gave her attention for two seconds and then looked right back where he started. "You're not worried about anything, Roxanne. You're only always worried about yourself."

"That's not true, Alex. I care about you. I don't really care for much else." Her heavy hair was hanging over her chest.

"I hate everything that you are." He answered instinctively. "Caring about something else rather than me will be a wise option for you."

Roxanne sighed and leaned against the door with folded arms. "I can't believe you still hate me. I thought you would have forgiven me by now."

Alex unknowingly escaped back into a restful state as if she was no longer there.

"Fine. Hate me. But do you really think I would be trying to convince you to come downstairs after all the tension and hate we were on about the last couple of months if I didn't care about you?" She tried justifying.

Alex opened back his eyes and looked at her with a gripping gaze. "My dad did just die. People usually come around when people die. I don't know why people start to suddenly care when they didn't care before."

"Alex, you want to know what I love about you? You have always cared about people. You don't judge anyone. You don't know what it's like to be backstabbing. You are you. Not a soul is ugly to you. When you say that you hate me, I don't believe you. It's not convincing to no fault of your own. There aren't many people like that in the world. You trust people. You're in a sensitive spot right now so I'm just going to say it. I love you even if you don't love me. I'm sorry about all the hurtful and vindictive stuff and things I have said to you and to Phai. You love him and it's clear that your love for him triumphs all and will never go away and I need to be supportive for you even if you don't want it."

Alex leaned up. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Roxanne? You think I fucking believe you? Do you even believe you?"

The dark-skinned girl uncrossed her arms. "I mean it this time! I understand why you don't believe me and you don't need to. I was in the wrong for how I treated you. I acted out."

"You think that confession is going to make this all go away? You told people that I hurt you! I would never hurt you, not the way you've tried to hurt me."

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Alex phrased mercilessly. "You used to be one of my best friends. In some other life and some other dream, I did fall in love with you but I fell in love with a lot of things and a lot of people. That doesn't always mean that love lasts or should have happened. Mistakes are a very real thing and I've made many. But I've always known not to love you. I've always known I would possess a great hate for you. It should go without saying, I don't trust you. I also won't allow you to completely take the blame for it. I am so sorry that you believed we were something more. We hung out and did homework and watched movies together. I was young and I didn't understand what you were feeling for me. And when I matured enough to see what exactly it was you were feeling, I didn't know how to handle it. I was scared to tell you because of how you would react. Then I told you and then you reacted in a way worse than I thought you would. But this is the part I really need you to hear."

She stood tall, ready to take it in, trying to act as if the steam from her internal screams weren't burning her up. "I'm listening." Then the answer came quite quickly.

"I don't just love Phai, I need him. I want him. I trust him. I don't want anything or anyone else. If I have him then I'm good. That is how I'm going to be feeling for the rest of my life and don't you dare try to fight me about it or interfere ever again. If you really are sorry and really want to make this friendship work, it will be on my terms. You can do right by me but I need you to be a better person first."

Roxanne was holding back tears. They were real. Not the 'acknowledging how fucked up she's been' real but the 'I never thought Alex would speak to me this way' real. "Fine. I'll be better but I still don't like Phai."

"You have no reason to hate him."

"He has you. Everyone has a reason to hate him."

"I'm sorry you feel that way." He laid back down.

Then there was absolutely nothing left to say.

She then kicked off her heels and went to lay next to him. He looked back up at the ceiling still distancing himself and she kept eyes on him with her dark scowling eyes. "What does that do for you, when you look at nothing?"

"I'm not looking at nothing."

"Then what are you looking at?" She tried to see what he saw. "I see a white ceiling and dust."

"That's not dust."

She exhaled slowly. "Still a visionary. You know what I miss most of all about us? I miss this. When we would just talk and hang out. I guess things really do disappear when we get older. We're not so innocent anymore."

He didn't answer her.

The dark-haired girl sighed noisily, hating the only possibility to get Alex on her good side. "How can I make this better between us? Do I have to apologize to Phai?"

"I don't want you near him at all. He will do fine without your apology. Again, my terms if you really want this to work."

It was true. She was there with me, toying with my emotions because I was in a vulnerable place. She didn't mean to apologize to Phai. She didn't mean to accept our relationship. She didn't even really wish to be friends again. She just wanted me, dead or alive, and what better way to lure me into her dark cave by being emotionally supportive even if it meant she had to release her pride at a distance she couldn't be tempted to reach out for just yet. Roxanne would wait. She would wait for the perfect moment. No matter how long. And Phai saw right through it.

Tolem barged into the room unannounced. He knew Roxanne was up there so this was his way of ending whatever it was she was hoping would happen. "Oh, hey, Alex, you should come downstairs. People have a few things to say before we wrap up."

Roxanne leaned over and patted Alex on the chest. "Let's go pretty boy."

---

"Oh, you must meet Phai. He is an absolute charm." Said Olympias, artificially. "Phai, darling, this is Barsine, Alex's very good friend. She flew out here from Colorado to make the funeral. Isn't that wonderful?"

Phai bit his tongue hard and it bled as he was holding himself back from looking very pissed off but it only made his facial expression worse. Barsine thought nothing of it. He set down the cup of water and resultantly shook the girl's hand. Not because he was jealous but because he knew Olympias's intention very well and this innocent girl had no clue. Or maybe she did. She wouldn't have put him under the spotlight if not for envy purposes.

"I've heard a lot about you." Said the very pretty girl. "Alex doesn't shut up about you. It's like he forgets he's told me already."

"Well, Barsine, they're not just friends anymore. They're dating. Officially." Olympias added as if she was happy about it.

Barsine actually looked genuinely happy. "It's about time Alex found someone that he's compatible with. I'm happy for you."

"Yes, it takes a very special person to love Alex even with all of his faults." Olympias added once more. "Anyway, I'll catch up with you two later." She kissed Barsine on the cheek twice and then took off. Phai couldn't believe she would do that. He didn't wish to be the enemy of anyone. After his glaring attack on his boyfriends mother, he settled back at Barsine with a lofty smile.

"Uh, so I heard you two dated. How was that?" Phai realized shortly how disastrous of a question that could have been. Everything had been a disaster so far so he really didn't care.

"It was short." She answered.

"Were you upset with him?" He was mostly asking for himself.

"Yea. At first, I was. But in his defense, I was sort of aggressive when we met. I pretty much forced him in a relationship since we were both outsiders at a brand-new school. I figure we'd be good for each other up until school was over. And then it was over. Just like that. I could always tell how uncomfortable he was though. It didn't come naturally. I always teased him about being gay and it looks like I wasn't wrong." She realized she was talking too much, like she missed those days. "Oh crap, I hope this topic isn't making you uncomfortable. Sometimes I get excited and say things forgetting how it affects others."

"I'm used to it." Phai said to not make her feel bad.

"Um, speaking of Alex, have you seen him? I haven't seen him since I arrived here."

"He's upstairs taking a breather."

"I don't blame him. He's been going through a lot. Is his insomnia still really bad?"

Phai wondered how he went from talking to no one to having another conversation again. There was never a conversation that he had with someone that had nothing to do with Alex. "Yea, it's still bad." Then Phai just had to ask. "Is there a reason why he didn't tell me about you?"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it. When Alex let's things go, he lets them go. It probably didn't cross his mind to bring it up. We're just friends now. I can argue that we've always only been just friends. Well, on his part." Barsine answered honestly.

Phai couldn't tell if he liked her. She seemed overly nice and far too accepting but then again it was refreshing not to deal with another Roxanne or Olympias. She could actually be the only genuine female in Alex's life. But then he spoke to soon when he saw her face when Alex and Roxanne came downstairs together. Of-course Phai tensed a little himself. They seemed to have made amends and Roxanne squeezed Alex's hand before taking off with Thais to go sit before the last speech.

Barsine laughed a little. "I swear I have a knack for these kinds of things but that girl is so jealous of you. Like seriously, she was fuming all day every time Alex was around you. Who is she anyway? A bad ex?"

"That's Roxanne and they never dated." Answered Phai. "They were good friends and now not so much."

"Let me guess, she liked him and he didn't like her back?"

"To leave a long story short, precisely."

After pouring himself something to drink, Alex came over to Phai and Barsine with a uniform smile on his face. They didn't even once pretend they were talking about something unrelated to him. "I see you two have met."

"There you are. We were wondering where you left to." Barsine said kissing him friendly on the cheek.

"Yea, sorry it took so long."

Phai smiled at Alex but didn't say anything. Alex didn't look nervous, mad or anything. He looked normal. And that didn't sit right with Phai for some reason. He just dealt with Roxanne, the actual devil in disquise. He should be fuming.

"Anything exciting happen while I was gone?" Alex asked as he gradually sipped from his cup.

"Yea, I had a great conversation with Phai here." Barsine said. "You two make a cute couple. I like him. I approve."

Alex turned flushed in the face and hurried to drink again. That was his way of saying 'thanks but don't mention it'.

"You two are talking again?" Phai asked out of the blue and Alex just stared at him in silence, not knowing what to say and Barsine was staring at Alex, dying to know the answer. Then along came Tolem who took Phai away pretending he needed to borrow him for something.

They flocked to the kitchen like two kids up to no good. "Phai, why would you ask him that? I thought I told you that you didn't have to worry about her." Tolem whispered quietly but angrily.

"She's up to something. She never really means well but suddenly she's trying to make things right? She's only trying to get close to him again."

"Alex isn't naïve enough to take her trust back."

"Alex is very naïve. Especially in the mindset he's been in. He believes everyone is good and has good in them. He believes everyone can change for the better. This is why he's going to get hurt because he can't let go of the people he can't trust anymore."

Before they could continue their whisper war, Thais called Tolem to come join her. "We can talk about this later. I'm not comfortable allowing you to feel this way. It could ruin a good thing." Then Tolem left and sat with his girlfriend.

Tolem was right. Phai hated being consumed by jealousy. He would have to apologize to Alex once everything was over. Until then, he started to clean. He cleaned when things were on his mind. He didn't realize he had missed the final speech. He didn't realize it came to an end. He didn't realize that everyone had cleared out. Mostly everyone. Barsine had left to the hotel she was staying in. Star or the bartender girl left too. The friends were still there, outside again, and his mom had joined him a couple of minutes ago cleaning up after the mess but he didn't realize it. She had allowed Olympias to vacate back to her room to rest. Phai threw a lot of beer cans and bottles into the trash. It was full already to the brim and it pissed him off for some reason.

"People are silly if they think they can get drunk from beer." His mother said.

He looked at her, now noting her presence. "Why wasn't any adult telling everyone underage not to drink today?"

"It's only beer." She excused.

Phai looked shocked. "What the hell is going on today. Everyone is acting like everything can be solved by drinking and then we have parents who are supposed to be responsible adults saying that it's okay to drink as long as we're mourning."

"Phai, don't raise your voice like that. And you're right. We should have been better about it. But I can't tell other parents what to do."

"Dad was taking shots. He should have gone home to sleep because he hasn't slept since Phillip died but he wants to play Mr. Tough man and pretend he's okay. Why is it a bad thing to feel something? Why are we so inclined to numb the pain or fucking compress it?"

She came up beside him, tied the bag and lifted it out of the can. "Phai, you've always compressed your feelings. Always, you have never once been open to us. Also, your dad is a military man, he was trained to pretend nothing is as bad as it really is. And maybe you both should talk more about your feelings."

"You already know my feelings because I make it blatantly obvious. I don't have to say anything because it speaks for itself."

"Really?" His mom looked absolutely in disagreement. "Do you need to talk about anything? Like something in particular?"

"No. I'm done talking. People listen most when they don't care."

"I do care. I just thought you might want to get something off your chest. You don't seem yourself today. I like your hair by the way. It's different."

"Thanks."

"I think everyone is in their emotions today, rightfully so. It's okay if you are too. "

Phai just went back to washing dishes. There weren't many dishes in line because most of it was trash.

"Okay, grumpy pants, since you think we should be open about feelings, let's be open. Alex might be leaving. Are you going to be okay with that? This family has grown very close to him but I can't imagine what you're feeling about it."

"It doesn't matter how I feel about it. If he has to leave, he has to leave."

"You're putting that tough act on like you accused your father of doing. You might not be hiding behind drinking but you are hiding by lashing out."

"I'm at least trying. I'm not running. He always fucking runs away from me."

"I'm sure Alex would be heartbroken if that's how he knew you saw it."

"I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't want to and I don't want to push it."

"I'm so sorry honey."

Phai turned off the faucet and exhaled heavily. "I know what he plans on doing. He's just going to up and leave because he thinks that he's doing me a favor by it."

"He won't leave without saying something." She decided not to mention the other thing she had unexpectedly heard from Olympias. Instead she hugged him. "He'll be back. He always comes back. Like that time he surprised you."

"I don't think it's going to be that way this time."

"I can talk to him if you'd like."

"No. But thanks."

"I'll finish up." She kissed him on the cheek and then took over. "Go outside, enjoy the time you have left with him."

---

Alex was sitting on the second step on the back deck of his house, holding an empty cup of punch he meant to get more of. He was watching his friends. They were mild compared to how they were earlier, meanwhile he was engrossed within himself.

They were playing catch in their nice suits that were already non-returnable, covered in grass stains and dirt but they didn't care. It did feel good to be outside again, in the fresh air, especially with the rain that was on its way. It was also good to see that not every one was as low-spirited as he was, considering the day. He was about to get up to leave before being brought back down.

"What are you looking at?" Thais asked, sitting next to him in her white and black striped outfit.

Alex shifted in annoyance. "Nothing."

Roxanne sat on the other side of him, both obstructing his personal space. He looked suspiciously at them, not looking forward to being disturbed by the girls he despised a great deal. "Can I help you?" he finally asked.

"We were just talking about you and we think that maybe you need to blow off steam. Like a lot of steam." Thais mentioned.

Alex squinted. "Like break shit?"

"No, not like that." Roxanne said. "You need to do something, a little less...Alex like."

"You should burn something." Smirked Thais. "I do it all the time."

Alex frowned. He forgot how obsessed Thais was with fire. He's seen it before. She was trying to amuse him and urge him on. "Uh, no thanks."

"Oh come on!" Roxanne exclaimed. "It will feel really good."

"Yea, and you'll feel an instant gratification and then any tension you're feeling will go poof, up in smoke." Thais gracefully described.

"I've burned something down before and I regretted it." Alex couldn't dive into details. They would have no clue what he was talking about if he had brought up Persepolis. It was also another reason why he hated Thais. He refused to be persuaded again.

"Well then what will make you feel better?" Roxanne asked trying to keep the unlit flame alive.

"Nothing." His focus was still ahead arming back up his normal disarming manners.

"Come on, Alex. What is going to cheer you up right now?" Asked Cleitus across the way.

"Besides bringing your father back from the dead?" Cassy said the obvious thing and Perdicas punched him hard in the shoulder for the crudeness.

Alex didn't care. "I just want to sit here. Can I sit here by myself in my own backyard or do you guys have to be everywhere I am? Don't you have homes and families? Everyone can and should go back to them now. Thanks for coming out today, you've been great but it's over."

They stopped catching and throwing the ball. "You know the toughest thing about funerals?" Lectured Cleitus knowing Alex didn't want to hear it. "We tell ourselves we need to suffer in silence. But that's not true. We should suffer together."

"Also you haven't smiled all damn day." Phil included. "And you have such a pretty smile." He laughed.

"Okay, that's it." Alex meant it this time, as he shuffled himself out from between the girls and headed towards the door to abandon them.

"What did I say?" Phil threw out his hands. "I meant it."

"Come on Alex, this should be a celebration!" Cleitus said slurring and joyful. "Let's create a fucking memory. We don't have to be sad."

Alex aggressively released the handle, not entering his house, and charged back over to Cleitus. "I'm not sad!" He roared. "Don't tell me I'm fucking sad!"

"It's been less than a month. Of course you're sad. But you're obviously sad about something else. Is that why you're trying to get rid of us?"

The next seconds were tense mostly due to Alex's smooth but scary flavor in his face. "Just shut up, Cleitus." Compared to the aggression before, when he said it, it was unexpectedly soft spoken.

Then Cleitus, never one to hold back or even back down against a final warning, turned towards the friends who were also wondering what his endgame was. They were basically saying the same thing Alex was, but with their faces. "As you guys know by now, our beloved Alex is leaving. They're selling the house and it's very possible we won't see him again."

"Yea, yea. You're always so damn extra, Cleitus. You're drunk and don't know what the hell you're saying." Alex said, unconvincingly.

"Wait, are you really going back?" Asked Leon.

"It's been mentioned but there's nothing definite. Yet. You don't have to worry about it, okay?" Alex replied with narrow eyes, thinking that response would work to remove the doubts they were having. "Besides, if it does happen, which it won't, it's not going to be anytime soon."

"Wow. I'm loving the irony of that last quote." Crater said, folding his arms.

"Whatever." Alex shrugged dispassionately. "Think what you want."

"Well, I don't care how you feel about it." Cleitus remarked. "You're going to make a memory with us and that's final."

Phai must have opened the door at the wrong time, based solely on everyone's clashing expressions. They all looked at him with mixed signals, but Alex looked most dubious and less complied. "What the hell did I just walk into?" No one responded. Phai was the last person who needed to hear what they were all thinking. "Sure, simmer down when I get here. Don't all speak at once."

"We were just talking about..."

"A game we decided to play." The black-haired man interrupted Alex to save him from the obvious look on his face. A lying Alex was the worst liar on the planet.

"Okay." Phai shrugged, not caring anymore or truly caring to begin with. "What game?"

That's when Cleitus stumbled over to Alex and patted him on his black soft head. "You're it."

"What?"

"You're it. You know how the game works. I'll see you on the other side."

They all watched Cleitus struggle to hop the fence and run off far into the field yelling something drunkenly along the way. Then they looked back at Alex who looked equally confused.

"I'm not playing tag with you guys." Alex swiftly said.

"Didn't you agree to it?" Poor Phai asked, not knowing why Alex looked so perplexed about a game he agreed to play.

"Yes, but I don't feel up to it anymore?"

"You don't feel up to a game you just agreed to play no more than a minute ago?" Phai replied with a tiny chuckle, not making the situation better. Alex grunted. That's what he gets for lying.

"I changed my mind."

"You can't just change your mind. That's not the rules of the game." Said Phil being an instigator.

"Oh-fucking-well." Said Alex sitting back down where he was. He was so annoyed.

"Can you resist though?"

"Obviously."

"Suit yourself." Phil was next to hop the fence.

Tolem undid his tie. He folded it nicely and set it on the floor of the deck. "You should play, Alex."

"Why?"

"To get it over with." The curly haired teen met the others on the other side.

Alex sprouted to his feet as if he was going to kill them for their betrayal when Leon, Perdicas and Crater hopped the fence and bolted out into the field. "I'm not chasing you!" he shouted.

They shouted something back but they were far enough and he couldn't quite make it out. They were stretching and getting ready for the run.

"Fuck it. I'll play." Cassy voiced dreadfully, going along for the ride. With a slacking sway, he walked toward the fence.

"You're joining them?" Phai asked, surprised as all hell.

"Here's some life advice, if I must be so forthright, we all need the fun."

"I won't do it." Alex stayed resistant.

"Alex, you love a challenge. And we know you love a challenge. No one, not even you can make you do anything you don't want to. So, if you truly don't want to play with us, you won't. But you do."

Alex altered his stance. "I'm not doing it." By the way his fingers fidgeted, he wanted to.

"Think about it. We'll wait. Besides what are friends if not to mock your misery and self-conceit?" The green-eyed teen left with a grin. He didn't jump the fence. He just opened the gate that led out and left it open for the remaining two.

The friends lauded and cheered uncontrollably like they were at a concert and Alex had no clue for what until he saw that Phai was on his way. They all didn't think he would but he did and Alex found it harder to resist now that Phai was playing along.

The blonde growled and began removing his tie. It became even more frustrating when he couldn't get it off.

"Are you seriously going out there?" Roxanne asked.

"I have to."

"Why?'

"I'm going to tag every single one of them." Alex determinedly quipped. "They don't think I can but I can."

The girls rolled their eyes thinking the same thing. Boys will be boys. Roxanne stood and helped Alex free him of the accessory. "See, that wasn't so hard."

He thanked her, strutted over to the fence and climbed over it effortlessly. The second the friends saw the dress shoes land upon the summer turf, they took off running. It wasn't like regular tag. Whoever was it, tagged all players and whoever was the last caught became it. His friends were much farther than he could think to reach. But he was faster. The King was always faster.

Alex removed his suit jacket, no longer restricting him. He threw it to the ground. And the heavy blood red cape sent dust up in the air.

Alexander was ready. They used to play as kids and young adults, in Pella, when their fathers spent most of their time engaged in military campaigns caring less about what their boys were up to and more about philandering.

The rain did finally come. Alex looked up to the sky and allowed it into his eyes. It wasn't heavy, it was perfect. It was freeing. And his smile grew when the eagle flew.

The friends ran into the woods of tall stirring trees, jovial and excited. In a flash, from a crackle of the only lightning that would appear that day, they were no longer friends but the companions they once were. And suits turned into battle gear and their Prince was right behind them. The chase would soon become endless. They would be doing this one last time.

Alexander tackled Perdicas first and laughed when he pushed his face into the sparkly muddy ground caused by the magic moisture falling from the clouds and went to go find his next victim. Philotas was wrestled to the ground, shortly after.

Alex didn't have time to catch his breath. He knew by now they couldn't run forever and found Crater hiding up in a tree. They never knew him for his lack of ambition and he began to climb. But the branch had snapped under the heavier teen and when Crater hit the ground, Alex tagged him and sprinted away. Cassy was tagged next, who wasn't even trying anymore. The green eyed teen would rather sit, catch his breath and smoke instead.

Cassander ratted out Ptolemy about his secret hiding spot. But since Alexander planned to be a just king one day, he found the curly haired general and gave him a ten second head start. He captured him anyhow. Leonnatus was very nimble and very athletic and the most difficult one to tag. But Alexander did it with a persistence he learned from wrestling with a younger Hephaistion, who had always been stronger and better than him. At everything.

Cleitus was found rolling drunk in the dirty leaves singing The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. He had to tap out because of tipsiness. And as one might expect, Phai was the last of them.

The blue-eyed teen wasn't running or hiding. He was waiting, further and deeper in, leaning resignedly against a lonely tree. Alex stopped before him, but feet away.

"You shouldn't have ran so early on in the game. You get tired faster." Said the Prince.

Phai chuckled. "But I'm not tired. I won't ever tire."

"Then why have you stopped? Are you bored already?" Asked Alex, not sure what to think.

Hephaistion pushed his body away from the Fir tree. "I'll let you win. I'll let you tag me."

Alex shook his head. "I promise, I'll tag you one day, Phai."

Phai took a couple more steps, now just a foot away from the light. "I never let you catch me for a reason. It's not because that I'm better than you but because if you catch me, it's over. I've been determined to never let that happen. But now..." Hephaistion put out his hand, palm facing up towards the sky. "...I'm allowing you."

The Prince looked at the hand capturing droplets he could see himself in, then looked back up into a crystallized gaze. "You shouldn't let me win just because I am me."

Phai sighed. "I'm letting you win because I love you and I'm going to miss you." He achingly expressed.

Drenched now, with black dye running and staining his white blouse, Alex replied, "You're it, Phai. You're always it."

The blonde king took the open hand. It was warm to the touch and he held it tight.

---

Macedonia Headquarters, India's final days

Philip was studying the fascinating notes of his patient in the late of the night. He could devote all of his time up until the first light if it came down to it, despite his commitment to other subjects. He had seen nothing like it before and would remain awed by his own lack of understanding. His records, he looked through over and over, grew more and more mundane. What the king was truly suffering from was much more than an analyzed pitch, something not as special if not witnessed by the eye itself.

"This is an intrigue. And seemingly and with our absolute best judgment, it makes no sense." Philip was speaking to himself, speaking out loud, over the candle light that sat upon the desk. Also frustrated by it, with good reason. To fail to keep the king alive could result in his execution. He wasn't looking forward to being impaled on a stick. Luckily that wasn't the frustrating part. It was simple. The frustrating part was not knowing what else to do. He lowered the pen. I ask this question among myself as I embark on something new. How would his mind be after? He wrote. And will the brain heal itself from this? The old man rubbed at his dry lips in thought, not yet ready to give up.

Then he heard irregular breathing coming from the king. At first he wasn't sure what exactly he did hear. It could have been himself, as he was dozing off a couple of times. Then sounds of more straining happened and without another thought, he quickly threw aside his wax tablet and writing utensil and rushed to Alexander's side, dropping a hand and ear over the sputtering heart. Philip could dance. The beating was becoming louder and livelier. Always a good sign, until it stops. Aside from the obvious good news, the king was under a severe distress. He was shaking and sweating profusely. Philip captured the king's hand that was snagging at the drenched sheet, by the gods, praying this wasn't a final relapse. It looked very much the same as many men he's witnessed during their impending death minus the blood the wretched coughs would leave behind. But he wasn't yet ready for the gods to take him. He shouted at them for their patience. With the breathing, he knew if Alexander were to ever recuperate from his prolonged coma he would involuntarily and naturally relearn normal breathing patterns again, thus the shrieking noise as the tender neck muscles began to tighten. It was the oppressive fever that was most worrisome. "You're alright, Alexander. You will be alright." Philip provided any comfort, knowing he could be heard as he discarded the old rag upon his head, now rolling a fresh one, wet in his hand. "The gods have a special purpose for you."

As if startled by the touch of the cold cloth upon his head, Alexander grasped the doctors arm, his unoccupied hand breaking through the paralysis, squeezing with a grip that could crush a stone. He was holding on for dear life, whatever it was he could not see. Alexander's eyes were still open but still in darkness. Still lost in a dream. That's when Philip called in the guards outside of the royal tent in desperation. They rushed in, the six of them. He first sent another guard out to fetch Ptolemy and Craterus. "I don't care if they're out like babies, bring them here."

"Yes, sir." The man bowed and took off with urgency.

"Hold him!" The doctor ordered the rest. "Quickly!"

The men split to every corner of the bed and managed to capture the kings agitated limbs. His legs stiffened first then the rest of his body began seizing up. Philip was able to release himself with great difficulty from the powerful clutch and out of breath directed the soldiers to keep him restrained as carefully as possible due to his extensive injuries. That's all they were able to do for the meantime. It was now up to the king to decide his next move.

Ptolemy and Craterus arrived and what they saw they weren't expecting.

"What's happening to him?" Ptolemy came around the guard who was trying his best to keep Alexander's head steady.

"He's in a dreamlike state." Philip explained briefly. "He's not purposely trying to hurt anyone and knows nothing of his cognition during this time. But he is a danger to himself."

"Is this something we should have came to expect?" Craterus asked, pressure in his voice, from the sight of his king and friend unable to stabilize.

"Yes. I now believe it is." Philip nodded, assuring himself hoping it wasn't a waste of breath. "If it weren't he'd be long departed. He's waking up and it's only imaginable how scared he is. Now we must brace ourselves for what's to come next."

"Is he in pain?" Ptolemy now asked, after scanning Alexander's disconcerted eyes, relieved his pupils were even.

"He's not in any pain yet, only discomfort, but it's sure to follow."

They stood by through the struggle and when it was time, they did brace themselves. And the pain did come. And it came without mercy.

The fire light dancing and spinning from every corner of the tent provoked the indifferent colored eyes to constrict like a snake around its prey. They were no longer dry but wet with the tears of a thousand men and the king, finding the strength through the tensity of his throat, bellowed out his lungs. Roaring louder than the God of Thunder himself.

---

-Love

Stranger