Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Forty-Four
Part Four
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Macedonia Headquarters, India's final days
"Behave and be proper."
"I am always behaving and I am always proper. And if I'm not, I always appear to be."
"And smile."
"I do that, too."
"Not lately."
Hephaistion groaned at his friend lecturing him. It was probably much needed but he didn't see it that way. The truth was that Ptolemy was looking out for the both of them. Hephaistion still wasn't fully healed and Alexander wasn't going to be for awhile. They also couldn't forget that they were men with tempers.
"And don't accuse him of anything. It will only create tension."
"I understand, Ptolemy."
The two became quiet. They were on the sideline of the massive loud crowd watching from afar. Alexander was giving a less than empowering speech to his men who were beyond excited to see him. He seemed sad and hurt and disappointed. The same way he was upon waking up.
"Mind me, I'm only looking out for you. He's not himself...Oh, and do not challenge him." Ptolemy said while observing Alexander being worshiped and touched and loved by his people. He really could put on an act.
"I can handle Alexander." Answered the brown haired general with confidence though it pained him to think that he'd have to one day.
"I am only warning you with good intent. He's been drinking with the men and I am at fault for that. You know how he gets." Ptolemy warned, responsibly.
"You mustn't blame yourself. We all have fallen victim to his enticement. He is a charming man."
"Indeed. A man that can have us dead with one command if we look at him wrong." The curly haired general whispered cautiously as they stood shoulder to shoulder.
Hephaistion frowned. "Alexander has many flaws but he's never killed a man for looking at him the wrong way."
"This time he's different."
"Are you nervous for me?"
"I'm nervous for all of us. I may be making to early of an assessment but there is an evil lack of remorse. He says that he cares for his men but there's no emotion behind it. The empathy he was taught by Aristotle can't be identified. It worries me. I fear what will happen as he slowly gains his strength back. Right now, he's too weak to gain complete control again, relying solely on us to behave ourselves and do as he demands."
Alexander had joined the Queen. He kissed her and she embraced him. Ptolemy looked to Hephaistion for his reaction but the blue eyed man said nothing but it was clear he felt alone. And when the celebration died, Alexander had made it back to his tent, the generals fanned out and barked orders and the men were inspired and ready for the long travels ahead.
Ptolemy looked at Hephaistion who he knew wasn't ready to face the King and sighed. "Are you ready?"
"I'll try not to say or do anything that might get us killed." Grinned Hephaistion.
"That's reassuring." Scoffed Ptolemy.
"Good. Because I was trying to be."
"Think reasonably. What will you do if he tries to harm you?"
"Let him try."
"If you kill him, you'll wail in your sorrows."
"I don't have enough tears left."
"Should I be worried?"
"Don't you go doubting me now, Tols."
Ptolemy worried, exhaled dryly. "Good luck, my friend." Then he patted Hephaistion on the shoulder and both made there way towards the royal tent.
Alex headed downstairs. He had his gym bag over his shoulder ready to meet up with Phai. The movers were still working on the living room and his mom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking wine. He stopped by and looked at her. Beneath the hurt, she was still a villain. Beneath his frustration, he still loved her as she always expected but despite his love for her, he was at a terrible place mentally and couldn't handle being shamed for it. But he took it in like he always did. He would soak in her abuse.
"Ice tea not doing the trick?" He asked but realized quickly after he sounded a little too smart for her liking.
She glared up at her smirking son and the dark circles under her eyes from crying all morning were heavy. "You make me sick that you can just stand there with no remorse."
"At least you admit it this time." Alex answered, scoffing at her rudeness. He dropped his bag on the ground. "What you really think of me."
"Just leave. Go off, fuck around and disappear like you always do." Olympias sighed and continued to drink. She had always suffered from headaches and for now the red wine was a cure for it. It was a family thing.
Alex didn't say anything, not out of fear of her but afraid he'd be too condescending during a time needed to be taken seriously. So he said nothing and just looked at her. Even if not innocent all the time, Alex always had a look about him that read innocence. It was hard to stay mad and even harder to stay sane when it came to him. He was tricky. His responses to things were tricky. His emotions on his face would never match the words from his mouth. Sometimes he could yell with a smile and other times he could smile with the angriest eyes. Phillip's infamous rage and Olympias's saving face. But she only had herself to blame. She should have known what type of offspring she'd have with a man like Phillip. Now he was staring at her like he had done nothing wrong and couldn't understand why she was so upset with him.
"Are you going out to play with your boy toy?" She griped. "He must be great in the sack if you've kept him around this long."
Alex sat at the table, sitting at the far end, across from her. He politely answered even though his eyes were mean. "I really wish you would stop calling him that."
"It's true. You'll toss him away later like you do with everything when you get bored."
Alex shook his head with a scoff. What good things has he tossed aside? "You have a really weird view of me, mom. I would never do that to him."
"Oh, please. Just wait. I'll be the one to say I told you so." She delivered the words harshly as if she already seen his future.
Alex chuckled, making private his anger. "You used to have confidence in me."
"Well that was lost when you decided to fuck a boy." She grinned, pleased by her answer. Almost pleasantly joyful for about three seconds.
He shifted tensely. It was like she was trying to poke at him to see how far he will go. "Why are you always such a fucking..." He stopped himself. It wasn't like him to call his mother cruel names.
"Go ahead and say it, sweetie. Call me a cunt. Or a bitch. Or a whore. I've heard them all from you already."
"I'm sorry." He said narrowing his head. He placed his hands on the table so that he could see them. Usually when confronting someone or someone confronting him he'd keep them in his lap, fidgeting and rolling his fingers anxiously. "I didn't mean it."
"What more do you have to say to me because I have nothing to say to you."
Alex smiled sweetly trying to refrain from anger. "I know you hate me for doing what I did but I apologized for what I should have apologized for. I will not apologize for anything else."
Olympias scoffed knowing what was coming next. "You're so fucking arrogant. You and your youthful egotism."
Alex kept the same calm tone. "Just like dad, right? That's what you always say. You compare me to him all the time."
"You're becoming worse than your father. In-fact, you've already surpassed him."
Alex smirked gravely, staring at her. "You will apologize for that later."
"I won't apologize to you." She hissed, knocking the wine glass from the table. Alex looked at the splattered glass and wine and rolled his eyes. "I won't apologize for looking out for you. You are clueless, so fucking clueless! You will hurt that boy! Why don't you listen to me? How do you not see your father in you, Alex? How do you not feel him ruining your soul? Phai will see you for who you truly are and he will run away and you will be hurt because you don't know what you are! I do what I do for your own protection. You can't be around people you love because you will hurt them!"
Some of the movers pretended not to hear their discussion when walking by.
"I've never hurt anyone." Alex said lowly.
"It doesn't mean that you don't have it in you!" She snapped coldly.
Alex stood, attempting to leave. "I'm done talking to you. You're impossible."
"You've always been great at running away from the problems you refuse to face you spoiled arrogant brat."
Alex bit his hurried tongue when he turned to her. She knew how to break him because he'd overflow with impulsiveness. "At-least you and dad agree on something."
"I worked hard for you."
"No, fuck that! You worked hard on me, not for me. I'm not perfect and neither are you! To sit there judging me for my feelings I can't pretend to hide and you scold me for it. What kind of fucking mother does that to their kid? You are sickened by me and you have no right to be. I did nothing wrong. You have no right to feed on me. If you wanted me happy, you could have made me happy but you and dad chose to destroy me instead by telling me at an early age that love didn't exist because of issues you two refused to figure out. You decided to lock me in the house with no guidance and with no air to breathe. You told me to hate dad. You told me not to have any friends. I am your son. Did you think that I wouldn't pick up on that? Did you think that wouldn't fuck with me? Did you not think that my thoughts wouldn't turn bad? Stop treating me like I am a disease. Do you get it? Do you understand what you have done to me? Don't you fucking dare sit there and be repulsed at the fact that I found someone that makes me feel relieved! I won't be alone, not like you. I don't ever want to end up like you."
"I don't know what you're looking for, Alexander. What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?" Her dark eyes became languid, like still paint.
"I want you to say that you are sorry."
"No." She stayed subdued.
"Say it!" He growled. Anger suited him.
"Not until you get your act together. You choose him over me. You'd rather confide in him than me. Your father did the same. He'd have his annoying loud friends he'd rather express himself to. He'd tell them what's on his mind before he would tell me. I'm being replaced by men. This is a man's world. It always has been."
Alex frowned, his anger fading into sadness. "You don't give me enough credit. You don't give me any fucking credit for being a good son. I was always by your side, always there for you when dad would take his aggression out on you. I would get hurt protecting you and I would do it over again in a heartbeat. I would do anything for you and anything that you told me to do even if that meant hating myself. I could be worse but I work so hard not to be. For once acknowledge that I fight myself every day even though I'm losing because you made me weak."
Olympias grinned enthusiastically, enough to humiliate him. "Did your father ever tell you that I caught him drunk out of his mind one day with a boy two months after we got married? Of-course he didn't. He would never mention it. We went to his friend's house, who was his best friend at the time. It was a house party for no particular celebration, just a social gathering and his best friend who hosted the party had a little brother who had desperately wanted to meet Phillip, because of all the stories he had heard about him from his brother. Phillip was a very popular and likable man and people obsessed over him quite often. I didn't think anything of it because Phillip was such a friend to everyone, just like you. Paus was all over Phillip all night long, treating him as if he was a fucking celebrity. Everyone thought it was just a cute obsession, including me. I didn't care but Phillip seemed embarrassed and uncomfortable with it and slammed any drinks he could find in front of him. It's always been his way to combat his anxiety but he played it off well. Further into the party, I go out on the porch with a couple of the ladies and unbeknownst to me, Paus takes Phillip to the bedroom upstairs to lay him down for a while. Everyone was so drunk they forgot about them and they had been gone for a while. I don't know what it was that told me that something was wrong but I go inside to look for Phillip mostly because he's outrageously loud when he's drunk and I wasn't hearing him. I was told by his best friend that he was upstairs, so I go upstairs, ready to leave, to take my husband that I loved so fucking dearly back home to get him out of that uncomfortable environment. It ended up not being uncomfortable enough for him because I open the bedroom door and Phillip was getting his dick sucked by that fucking leech. The strange part about it all was that Phillip saw me and he wasn't embarrassed, wasn't even shocked. Maybe he was too intoxicated to care. He laughed like it was a normal thing to get caught doing. I knew that night, it wasn't his first time doing sexual things with men. Paus ran out the room and Phillip came up to me and started trying to get frisky with me. He kept telling me over and over again that he loved me, all the way home until he passed out. I didn't sleep. I was thinking of ways to approach Phillip about what happened. The next morning, he had remembered nothing from the night before, not even the part when we arrived at the party. So, I didn't bring it up ever. Things were fine after that. It was only years later we started having marital problems because I had, ever so often, suspicions that your dad was gay and confused. But then he got a lot of women pregnant. I always told myself that was his way of proving that he wasn't into men. That was his way of denying it by seeing how many women he can fuck. Then when I found out he made a new friend in Phai's dad, I was so scared that the cycle would begin again even though we were already apart and going to be forever. Your father was a complex man and because of the complexity, sometimes an angel and other times something else, he was damaging. That's one thing he couldn't;t escape. I see you in him, Alex. Things are playing out the exact same way. But at-least your father didn't rub it in my fucking face. You see, he wasn't proud of his slight attraction to men. You? You're proud of it but tell me, my son, look deep and hard at yourself and tell me exactly who will want to end up with you?"
The question seemed to shock him. He didn't have an answer for that because he wondered the same thing every time he looked in a mirror. He felt the healing scar around his eye. The evil eye. The dark one. The one he tried cutting out because being self destructive was easier than to be destroyed by people who claim to love him. "You don't think my feelings are real?" Alex uttered, something dead in his voice. Something that longed to be loved.
"I think they are very unreal." Olympias leaned back with arms crossed. "I think they are sick and unnatural."
Alex said nothing in response to that. She was looking at him as if he was a monstrosity and she would burst out in tears any minute.
He was sick but his feelings were very real, he admitted to himself. "I'll be home later."
Her glare pushed him out quicker. He gave her an undeserving kiss on the cheek before leaving the house.
One time my dad joked about messing around with boys in High school. He said it was normal. He also joked about doing something to Phai if he were into men. What he felt for Amyntor, I don't think anyone will ever know, maybe just Amyntor. Then there was Euri, the lady whose husband killed my dad out of anger and jealousy because she kept him a secret. She was just another woman dad was trying to love.
But he loved my mom. He stuck with her. Not the other men or women he may have had affairs with. He stuck with her because he loved her but he got something from the others that he didn't think he could get from my mom. Emotional connection. It's always been absent on her end no matter how hard my dad tried. Dad was a love bird. Mom was a stern lover. Private about her feelings. She thought it was immodest. Dad would grope her in public and she would slap him. Dad would kiss her and she would tell him it wasn't the time or place. Then things changed. She would talk about her day and he wouldn't want to talk about his. She would question why he seemed so distant from her and he would say that he was tired. I guess what I'm saying is that she missed out and he sought affection with people he didn't care for. He got pleasure from people who loved him but he didn't love back. Dad had many secrets, he took most of them to the grave with him but these other secrets mom knew of but never sat down with him to talk about it. The secrets grew and grew and grew until my mom blew up. Dad died not knowing everything my mom despised about him and that's a very sad thing I would never wish on my worst enemy. It's chilling. Maybe dad was scared to admit that he enjoyed both men and women. Maybe he wanted an open relationship. Maybe it was easier to talk to men. Maybe he wanted kids to love but knew he couldn't but had them anyway. Maybe he enjoyed the cheating life. There's always been something promiscuous about the way he carried himself. Maybe dad just got sexual pleasure from anyone and anything for no other reason than he couldn't get it at home with his wife who was disgusted by him for reasons he doesn't remember or hides. Then I was born and the frustration escalated and he died. We all thought the depression would kill him and it did even if it was in the shape of a bullet.
Poor dad. Poor mom. Compatible in every way but the most important part of being. Both too prideful to admit that something was wrong. They weren't comfortable expressing their fears, needs or desires. Then it led to conflict and outdated arguments. Fighting seemed to be the only thing that kept their relationship alive because rough sex would be a thing that happened after. Sometimes against my mom's will and sometimes encouraged by 's how I was born. From a night of hate making that happened all because dad came home drunk one night after hanging out with his buddies, living up old times.
In the beginning they fell in love with no explanation. It just happened. Staying in love was a different story and I think the story is the same for everyone. Interest is lost. Connection is disconnected. Romance dies. And commitment is too hard to try because emotion is too hard to express.
I didn't want to be that way with Phai. My parents may have had a hard time staying in love but I try. I really do. But something was brewing. I could tell. I didn't want my mom to sit me down one day, look me in the eyes and say "I told you so."
Macedonia Headquarters, India's final hours
Hephaistion was allowed entry into the royal quarters while Alexander was being de-prepped from the tribute for his own welcoming. Alexander sat atop his covers as the eunuch helped undress him from the makeup that helped him not look so unappealing and dead. Sensing him, for no other reason other than they were connected once before, as he had his eyes closed, he gave a surprising smile.
"I see now."
"See what, exactly?" Asked Hephaistion softly, not certain as to what his mood would be.
"That you must have been high in rank, second to me. The guards trust you to enter without my word."
"I apologize."
"You haven't any need to apologize to me." The king opened his eyes and kissed Bagoas softly to thank him. "You may leave now." He told the boy.
The Persian bowed and left leaving the two men alone. Hephaistion had already seen it all when it came to Alexander's Persian pet. He couldn't tell if he loved the boy or lusted him. Either way, something small in him was still envious no matter how many times Alexander had assured him otherwise. Hephaistion was never one to speak up much so his emotions were always hidden and released only before Alexander. Alexander, on the other hand, was possessed by his.
"Would you care for a drink?" Alexander stood, pouring himself another glass of wine.
"I don't drink. And neither should you." Replied Hephaistion seriously. He didn't know how many he had.
Alexander lifted a curious brow. "What man doesn't drink?"
"A man you never once judged for it." It was harder than he thought, to be before Alexander whom he was without for so long. But his eyes were solid and open while his throat was restricted and tied.
"I should make myself clearer. What kind of lover of the king doesn't seek an intoxicant? I can be a handful." Alexander joked as he put his wine down not taking from it yet. "I must admit, I don't know how to deal with any of this. I wish I knew but I don't. I apologize if I offended you before. I want to remember who you are, Hephaistion." He had said his name with an intense pressure and the generals body chilled over.
Alexander smiled seeing that he was tense and cleared his throat. There was that charming defect again. "Go on." He had encouraged him the same way he had done a million times before.
The sun had shifted and the shadows danced over the tent cover and Alexander's eyes became grey and colorless. He sat back upon his bed, finding that it helped to rest in between shifts. He brought his chalice but still didn't drink from it. Hephaistion couldn't figure it out. He tried as he stood inches from the doorway. It was as if he was taunting him. But Alexander wasn't ever spiteful.
"I shouldn't have accused you of not remembering me. You have forgotten and I have to accept it. I will. I've come to think much about it and it's not about you remembering me. It's about you remembering who you are. I'd rather much prefer that." He unexpectedly replied. He didn't mean to say all that. He only meant to apologize.
Alexander grinned. Something about it being beautiful but demeaning. "I remember who I am."
"That's my concern."
The king laughed and cocked his head. "Are you afraid of who I was, Hephaistion?"
"I wasn't before but I am now."
"Interesting. I take it I must have been pretty terrible. Have I done horrible things to you?"
Hephaistion frowned. The king had a smile on his face. Alexander would never patronize him like that. "At times but it's nothing I haven't already forgiven you for."
"If they were my desires why would I need your forgiveness?"
Hephaistion glared heavily. "Because you asked for it. You'd cry for it. You'd repent before me, every night, for all the bad things you've ever done."
The king chuckled and began to remove his clothes. He managed on his own though he was stiff. Hephaistion watched him. He seemed so strange but he watched his king get fully naked, a sight he had missed.
"What are you doing?" Hephaistion asked, shocked by the kings actions. He was like a child who didn't know better.
Again, Alexander chuckled. "Does this not excite you? You know I prefer to be naked."
Maybe this was the kings way of trying to reconnect. He told the staring man to come to him. Hephaistion swallowed anxiously before approaching him. He had seen Alexander naked more times than they've been in battle but this was frightening because for once he couldn't figure out what he was thinking or planning. Ptolemy was right about him. Then again, Ptolemy was right about many things.
"I won't hurt you." Alexander reassured through rough lips.
Sadly, those words were enough to draw Hephaistion in closer and he felt immediate shame. He missed being close to him.
Alexander still had a slight fever, Hephaistion could feel it as the king touched the newly formed scars on Hephaistion's face. Alexander's stare was elongated. He was circling the taller man as if trying his hardest to familiarize himself again. "You're pretty." He said. "Have you been told that before?"
"Yes." Hephaistion closed his eyes as if to try to relax. Alexander still thought he was beautiful.
"Your heart is louder than a baby out the womb. Are you excited to be this close to me?"
"Yes." Replied the blue eyed man as he strained himself when the familiar fingers warmed his skin.
"Did I ever touch you in ways you did not like?" Alexander asked. "You seem desolate. Have I caused this?"
Hephaistion reopened crystal eyes but said nothing. He remembered every day, especially the last day he and Alexander were the happiest. It was a Spring day, before the journey to India. They had found time after a busy day to go for a walk, just the two of them. They didn't talk about the meaning of life, about past history or even about the future. They discussed nothing as they walked beneath green leaves and brown branches along a grassy path as soft as the wind. The nature gods spoke to the happy men and they were at peace from midday into the civil night. But just before that beautiful memory, he remembered the horrors of the nights before. The assault, the suffering, and the overwhelming pain he felt when he saw Alexander dead beneath him.
We went to the gym. I did my workout. He did his. Alexander appeared like last time and we both watched him swim. That guy Darian was there too and he and Phai spoke like good friends. It annoyed me, it annoyed us but it shouldn't have. They had a lot in common. Phai was allowed friends. After-all, the only friends he did have weren't his own. But I was in my feelings. You know that feeling of being replaced by somebody better? I mean, why not. I would be leaving in a couple of days and Phai would be alone with Darian deciding to trickle his way in. But we made out in his car and later that night made further love in the shed. It was probably the place I'd miss the most.
The day after came. I packed up everything and he helped me. If I could sleep at all, I'd be sleeping on the floor. All of my belongings were ready to be shipped across five states. We did the same thing as the day before. After the packing was over, we hit the gym again later in the afternoon. I was sitting there on the bench in the exact same position, wondering if Phai was doing the same thing, thinking miserably but trying to appear positive. Come to find out later, it has always been worse for him than it has been for me. We kiss, fuck, repeat.
The next day came. We hung out with the friends in the field like we did as kids and still hope to do as men. They acted the same way they always act. Entertaining and loud. Cleitus gave a speech no one was expecting and I'm pretty sure it put everyone in their feelings they were trying to ignore. Me leaving was apparently a big deal. As complimentary as that is, it still hurts. But I was holding back. I was trying to let it go. And it ended up feeling like a going away party when we just had a welcome back one.
Then that Saturday came. The next day I would be leaving. And I don't think Phai slept any of the nights before. He says he didn't want to miss out even though the excuse he gave was that he wasn't tired. Phai was counting down the days knowing that was a terrible thing to be doing to himself. But it did slow time down. By just a little. I did follow through and went to dinner at a nice restaurant for Phai with his family and we had a great time stuffing our mouths with decent Greek food. For a split-second we forgot about me leaving and for another split-second I forgot about the unsophisticated thing I had done to my mother. But I will never forget how terrible of a person I am. For leaving. There was a possibility of never coming back. I was certain that wasn't going to happen. Phai feared something else completely. And as always, he was right.
Which brought us here.
After they returned home from the small outing, Alex headed to the shed and Phai was going to meet him there for their usual session. He told Alex he had to do something first. Alex questioned nothing and Phai was glad he didn't. Alex wouldn't have approved.
Phai knocked on the door and waited. But he didn't show it. He took a deep breath before Olympias had opened the door. She was in her bathrobe, with a full glass of wine in her hand and her makeup was completely removed. She looked unlike herself but was still very natural in her beauty. "I don't let many people see me like this." She said as if he would recognize something else about her. Her voice was dry and emotionless.
"Can we talk?" Asked Phai, bravely. They were leaving. He was no longer frightened by her. She was just the mother of the boy he loved. A fragile one at that. Maybe not as fragile as Alex but fragile enough.
"Is this on Alex's behalf?"
"I'm here on my own behalf."
Evil eyes glanced up and down before allowing him inside. "Come in."
Phai was surprised she had even allowed him to step foot in her house again, though it was slowly becoming not her home. He entered and watched her slide to the kitchen. The only thing left and staying was the dining table, chairs and bar. Oh and a clock. "I only have water." She offered.
"No. Thank you." He replied still at the entry of the kitchen as if he wasn't allowed further in by some invisible line.
She rose a brow at him. "You can enter, Phai. I don't bite." She said with kindness he's never heard from anyone before which should have scared him. He entered and she told him to take a seat and to relax. He did. Well, he tried. She sat across from him with her glass of wine and she smiled. "What brings you here. You know, Alex isn't home."
"I know. I was just with him. He doesn't know that I'm here."
"Charming. He won't like it that you are here. He may fall into one of his fits he's subject to."
"I'm not here to fight. I won't apologize for Alex. What he did was for you and what I did was for him. I am apologizing to you for my own behavior." He explained neatly.
"Oh. What type of behavior would that be?"
"The repulsive kind. What I did was wrong."
Olympias grinned sparingly. "Go on."
Phai blinked. "He'll be gone and I'm going to accept that. But I can't help but think that you're not out to hurt him the way he thinks you are."
"I love my boy and I want him as close to me as possible. That is the only reason."
Phai shifted with dark eyes testifying against it but remaining respectful. "Everyone pretends a lot around here."
"Do you not?"
"I'm no angel."
"I saw that the other day." She scoffed lightly.
He smiled amused by the silent hate across from him. "If it were about Alex, you'd actually consider his best interests."
"Are you suggesting that I have no love for my son?"
"You do. You love him very much." Phai replied, feeling her pain but also feeling his own. "I don't think you're trying to hurt him."
"Who do you think it is I'm trying to hurt?" She kept a watchful eye on him.
"Me. I think that you're trying to hurt me. That's why I am here." He smirked as if he wasn't going to not continue. "I won't be hurt by you. I won't leave the picture. And if you don't like that, there's nothing much more that I can say to you other than I don't care anymore. It might give you joy that I admit, I did care at first, for the longest time."
"I see why he likes you." He could tell that she disapproved.
"People keep saying that, but I don't think you guys really know. No one knows why he really likes me. I don't think he knows why he likes me and I sure as fuck don't know why he likes me. But I'm sure he likes me for reasons you hate."
"Alex isn't staying, Phai. And no apology from you or him will change my mind."
"I understand. I do. I'm not here to beg you or to win you over. I have respect for myself. I came to apologize and that is all. Do you accept my apology?"
Olympias surveyed the young man once again, wondering when he became so outspoken. "Yes. Apology accepted."
"One more thing. I would like to know why you hate me? Every reason I have ever given you. And I don't want to hear that he's my son and I've taken him away from you bullshit. I want legitimate reasons. What have I done to you? And be specific. Be real specific. And if you find that you are incapable and can't answer the question, I will take Alex away from you for good because I can do that."
"Do you really think that you can conduct what Alex feels and what he doesn't?"
"I would never want to."
"We're a mad family. Madness runs in our blood. So it's strange to me that you're in love with someone who is far madder than the rest of us."
"I like to think that I bring out the best in him or hope to, one day. You like to think that if he were without you that his whole world would fall into madness and there would be no going back from it. He steers into emptiness because he's blinded by a light you convince him is darkness. But as mad as he is, he's not a bad person. You enable his madness. You want to see it form. I can't allow that."
"You have secrets? Are they dark?" She changed the subject.
"All secrets are." Phai replied carefully.
"Being pretty is a curse, far more dangerous when you're a boy. I know what's been done to you just by looking at you. I'm warning you Phai and this is coming from a good place and a mothers heart, if you don't want to see yourself hurt, you will let Alex go. I hear the voice in his head. I'm sure you do, too. He is destructive, unstable, insecure, angry. There are a lot of things you do not know that has happened in this house. He's not the angel everyone sees him as. Just as you are not what people think of you. You have in you what we all have in us. From the second I met you I knew you were sad. You have anger but it's not your priority. Sadness is yours. Alex's is violence. Just because you have never seen it, doesn't mean it's not there. I've seen it. I felt it when he was in my womb ripping me apart. He should terrify you. I must do what a mother is obligated to do and love him and cherish him and make him perfect and to be the best. If I give him these things, he won't need to be angry. When I told him the news, I knew he wanted to burn the house down, with myself and him in it. He played it out in his head, prolonged like a movie. Alex has desires and when those desires aren't met, yes, he can be destructive. More than you know."
"His desires are simple and he doesn't ask for much."
"I hope you've had enough time with him." She wasn't expecting a sit down like that. She had never been stressed like that before. Phai was sweet but she never knew how much he wasn't. She didn't know he had it in him to threaten her the way he did. He couldn't be bullied anymore.
"There is never enough time with him." Phai stood to leave. "Thank you for your time."
"I have something for you just in-case you think I'm crazy about how Alex's mind works." She picked it up from the side of her chair as if she knew Phai would come to her tonight. It was a notebook. She slid it over to him. "Take a good look at it. It may help you understand where I am coming from. Hell, maybe you can help him solve it. No therapist can."
Phai frowned. "If this is personal to him, I won't look at it."
"It's not personal enough if he left it out. No one was snooping for it, it just fell in my lap. Keep it. It's yours. He won't even know it's missing. I've tried to get him help but he refuses it. He would rather die on me instead."
"What are you expecting me to find in here?"
"Secrets you should know."
"Alex is allowed to have his secrets."
"Deniability can be a crime to many things, Phai. Enjoy the rest of your night."
Phai took it and left.
Macedonia Headquarters, India's final hours
Alexander removed his touch from him as if something shocked him, as if he had read his mind. And he wasn't smiling any longer. He went back over to his bed, and drank the wine he hadn't took from until now. It was gone before Hephaistion could blink.
"I'm not meaning to offend you. I'm not ready."
"Are you not ready for me or does this apply to everyone?"
"I have only been intimate with you and uncomfortably with others." Hephaistion expressed. "I only want to be intimate with you but I need time. As do you."
"I'm not a bad man, Hephaistion. Do not treat me like I am." Alexander said and it sounded like thunder growling. The king then turned away from him and got into the bed, sighing heavily as he laid on his back to rest. "Leave now."
Hephaistion couldn't understand why Alexander wouldn't at-least grant him that. "You can't be mad at me. You have no right to be mad at me."
Alexander quickly jumped up, with welled tears and rage in his eyes and then his words pierced the man he had grabbed by the neck forgetting all about the pain in his leg that would bother him later. "If I want to be mad at you, I will be, because I am the King. If I want to take you to my bed, I will, because I am the king. If I tell you to bow to me, you will without hesitation or your head will be mounted on my spear. Last time I checked, any man or woman, child or beast does what I want them to do and that's including the gods. Do not ever think that just because you were important in my life that I will grant you status above me."
Alexander released him aggressively though Hephaistion didn't flinch under the choke-hold. He was expecting him to react that way. He knew Alexander. The kings hand started shaking uncontrollably. Philip told him his muscles would grow spasms and this was just another episode but it was bad this time. The king clutched his hand with his good one and held it close to him. The compulsions were painful but the king would never show that he was in pain.
"Leave." The king ordered more from humiliation than the anger as he went to go lay back down on his bed.
"As you wish, Alexander." Hephaistion said respectfully but sadly before he turned to exit leaving the king to suffer alone. But a voice in his head told him that wasn't the right thing to do. It was the voice of Ptolemy. Ptolemy always did see things for what they were. He was the wisest of them all. Hephaistion looked back at Alexander, pitying him. He smiled shortly to himself remembering how much Alexander hated being pitied.
The king felt a body slide up behind him and a sturdy hand carefully removing the blade he had took to bed with him. Alexander didn't have to look to see who it was. Hephaistion placed the knife on the stand next to the bed and gently grabbed the trembling hand and held it in his.
"It hurts." Alexander said as if it justified his reasoning.
"It will hurt more if you cut it off."
"I should have."
"It wouldn't make it easier."
Alexander saw that his hand had stopped. He was staring at it as if it was impossible that it obeyed the man who held it.
"See." Hephaistion lovingly said against the back of his neck, missing his scent. "Rest now. It will help. I'll wake you when it's time to leave."
Hephaistion kissed him on the shoulder and then left.
Alexander had shut his wet eyes and he dreamed. Sometimes he'd see his dad and sometimes he'd see his mom. Sometimes he'd see a prosperous kingdom and sometimes he'd see his men gleeful. They were all proud of him this time but he couldn't accept it because he knew it wasn't real. Because he knew something was missing. Then spirits gathered around, the same ones that have haunted him since birth and he suddenly craved the man's touch, he still couldn't remember, to protect him from them. He needed him to stay in the darkness with him.
Phai entered the shed with the puppy. Alex was laying on the floor between the couch and the TV. He had his eyes closed and his hands resting at his sides. He looked comfortable but it was a debate if he was or not. A book was unfolded in his lap and the bookmark was somewhere else like he had decided halfway through he was going to give up. But Alex knew he was there. He looked at Phai with a bright smile. "Hey."
Phai smiled. Alex's vibrations, no matter how far they were about to be, were too strong.
"Hi, Alex." The words exited gently. Phai pushed off the door frame and strolled slowly in. He looked like something was on his mind. He looked sad but was trying extra not to be.
Alex knew the look all to well and his smile died. "What happened?"
Phai shrugged. "Nothing."
"Phai, tell me." Alex said. Phai seemed exhausted.
"I told myself that I didn't want to see you or hear you anymore because it would be easier. But it's never going to be easy. It's going to be harder but it's not fair to you that I feel like that."
Alex leaned up and set the book aside. Phai placed the sleeping puppy on the couch and sat down next to Alex. He got as comfortable as he could.
Phai blinked but didn't turn to him. Alex was looking at him because he needed to know where it suddenly came from. When Alex wasn't getting anything out of him he laid back down. Phai laid next to him. Then Alex said something after three minutes of absolute silence between them. They couldn't avoid the conversation any longer. "I thought I could avoid it, too."
"I know." Phai replied.
"Then I thought you would just tell me one day that you didn't care if I left because you were moving toward a brighter future."
"I don't even know what my future is, Alex. And I doubt it can brighter than you."
Alex turned to him. "I would never just up and leave like that, Phai. Not without a fight. I could never just step down and vanish."
Phai finally looked at him. "I know but I know you'll be gone the next time I wake up. Alex, it doesn't matter how far you'll be. That's not the part that I hate. I hate that I miss you always even when you're next to me like this. You're always far." Phai replied with a deep sadness. "If this is the last time I'll see you again, what will I remember you by?"
Alex frowned. "It's not like that, Phai. This isn't going to be the last time."
"You never know."
"I do know."
"How? Because you know the future?"
"Because I will make sure that it happens." Alex responded boldly. "I will make sure that I see you again."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"I could die. I could get hit by a car. How would you stop that?"
"Can you not say shit like that?"
"I'm human, Alex. I think that way all the time. You do. So, isn't it only fitting to think that one day anything can go wrong for us at any time?"
Alex scoffed. What could he say to that? "Phai, I didn't come out here to be reminded of the one thing that's out of my control. I want to enjoy as much time with you without the rest of the bullshit that might happen. Right? We should live in the moment. Not the moments to come."
Phai swung his body over Alex's sturdy one. Alex still looked perplexed as glaring blue eyes looked down at him. "Say something for me to remember you by. Do something for me and I'll do something for you."
"I'm not going away forever, Phai!" Alex growled confused why Phai was acting this way.
"And I'm telling you that we both don't know that!" Phai snapped back. "We can't possibly know that!"
Alex calmed noticing the tears growing from both of them. Phai's eyes were silver and glossy like a polished knife. They were cutting through him, sharper than they have ever been. Then Alex had to ask because he had never seen this dark side before. "Have you been drinking?"
Phai shook his head. "No. But I wanted to. I was surrounded by so much of it the other day that I easily could have. But I don't want to compromise myself. It would have made this day much worse for the both of us. Have you been drinking?"
"No. Not a sip. I need you to believe me. I need you to trust me. I will be back."
"I believe you, Alex, I really do. But just in case something does go wrong for us and I can't see you anymore, I want to remember you by something. Whatever it is you choose to be the thing I remember most, what will it be?"
Later that night, after Callista fell asleep and Phai left somewhere, Amyntor and his wife were preparing for bed. It was a rare night they could finally spend together. She took time off work for the week and he was pretty much a stay at home dad. He didn't need to work, already retired at 40 and with a great pension he didn't know what to do with the remainder of his life other than be there for his kids which wasn't going to last long. Phai was getting ready to leave for college with his friends and Callista was growing up faster than he could count, spending most of her time with Leon and her new friends. Speaking of friends, he had made one friend since he came back and he was now gone just like all of his other friends. Soon he would have nothing, just his wife here and there and a big empty home.
"Did you enjoy dinner?" She asked from the bathroom while brushing her teeth.
"Yea, it was great. Good food."
"Seeing Phai excited to go to college made me a little sad but I'm so happy for him."
Amyntor smiled proudly. "Yea, he's getting mature now and less moody. Well, from what I've seen." Amyntor was watching TV because he couldn't sleep. He was sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the TV that was on a very low volume.
"Are you alright?" She asked as he became lost in silence.
"Yea."
He sounded too bitter for her liking. "Are you sure?"
"Yea, I'm good. There's just nothing on TV." He needed a distraction and sleep wouldn't help with that. And TV wouldn't help with that. And apparently nothing would help with that.
His wife rinsed out her mouth and stepped outside of the bathroom door and leaned against it, watching her husband just staring and sitting. He was still in his clothes. "Babe, it's okay to be upset about Phillip. There was nothing you could have done."
"That's the problem." He turned off the TV but continued to sit there. "The lady he's been seeing, she was there at the funeral. She was in the way back sitting by herself. I watched her, she left before it was over. She left in a hurry. She looked more than sad."
"Were you spying on people at the funeral?"
"She looked tense and agitated."
"A lot of people were. If I'm being honest, I don't think she knows who shot him."
"This is more central. She definitely knows. Maybe an ex-husband of hers. Or a current husband. Maybe her husband found out she was having an affair with Phillip."
"Or maybe she was just there to grieve the loss of a friend. Let's not talk about this. It's only upsetting you."
Amyntor realized he was getting worked up about a lot of things. "You're right." He said apologetically. He didn't want to admit it but he's been obsessing over it.
"Good. What we need to do is rest because it has been a long and stressful week for everyone."
She was able to convince her husband into to the bed. They both switched off their lamps on their nightstand and sunk under the covers. But they couldn't sleep. Or even rest.
"I have to work tomorrow before Alex leaves. I packed him a lunch. It's in the fridge with his name on it."
"I'll make sure he doesn't leave without it." He promised.
"He's going to be driving for hours by himself."
Amyntor looked at her. "Is that a bad thing?"
"I'm just worried about where he is at mentally. His dad is gone, his mother is forcing him to move, Phai and him will be apart. He has to leave his friends behind. Poor kid."
"I don't know what to say. I think it doesn't matter what I say. It's going to hurt no matter what. Right? Is that what you want, Phai? To be hurt?"
"I'm already hurt."
"You were fine this morning."
"So were you."
"I'm still fine. I am fine as long as you are. So if you're not fine you need to tell me."
Phai just froze. He couldn't figure out why he was shutting Alex out. The fucked up thing was that he wasn't meaning to.
"What's happening with you right now. Did I do something wrong? We were fine 40 fucking minutes ago. What did I do wrong this time?"
"Nothing, Alex. You did nothing wrong."
"Well you're making me feel like I did something to you."
"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it."
"Say what? Are you breaking up with me?"
"No." Phai looked offended he'd even think that. "The only thing that mattered was that you were okay with it but I knew you weren't so I tried to distract you from it by pretending that I was going to be okay because I knew how much that was torturing you, knowing if I was okay or not. Knowing if you would be. But the truth is I don't want you to know how I feel. Everyone always thinks they can read me, that they know how I'm feeling. I don't want that anymore. I want no one to know what I'm feeling."
"I want to know what you're feeling. All the time."
"I don't want anyone using it against me."
"I'm not everyone, Phai. I would never use your feelings against you."
It was like they had switched roles. The king was an emotional wreck. Sensitive, loving and cruel. Hephaistion was always serious and stiff and hard to read. Phai wanted to be that way, his former self, even if he didn't know him. Because Hephaistion could deter his way around the snakes to protect his king who was always blind by the good that wore a cloak.
"You don't understand, Alex. I don't want to be left here with people that don't care about me. I can defend myself against a few, but not all."
"You are cared for. You are so fucking cared for. Why would you think you're not cared for? Who do you have to defend yourself from?" Alex was very confused. Nothing was making sense to him.
"Some people want to see me gone. No one is ever that nice when it comes to you. You do something to these people that make them want to hurt you and the people you love."
Alex couldn't even speak. His thoughts couldn't catch up. "Phai, what was said? If something was said, you need to tell me. This is very serious what you're saying to me right now. If there was a threat made to you, you need to tell me."
"Nothing directly, Alex. Everything is always indirect. It's just a feeling that I get. I actually dream it all the time. The room is dark and there is a table big and long enough for all of your friends to sit. And we're drinking whatever we chose to drink and everyone is always drinking something different, except for me. My drink always stays the same and it is always poison. It looks like poison and it tastes like poison and our friends know about it and they laugh whenever I drink it. You are never at the table and we always ask about you and no one ever has an answer. But after I drink the poison, there is always a hand that reaches over me, above my head from the darkness, which I know to be yours, and you take the drink from my hand after it's already gone. You're too late, every time, but you're also the only one who tries. When you took the cup away from me the day of your dad's funeral, it reminded me of that and then everything clicked. I was hoping it was poison. Because if it was, then I could at least say that my dreams do come true."
They were lying awake in the dark. Both parents deep in thought about two very different things. "Why didn't you tell me about Phai and Alex?"
Amyntor sighed. "I left it up to Phai. I told him he could when he was ready."
"He hasn't come to me about it yet." She seemed betrayed.
"It just means that he's not ready." He turned to her, acknowledging that she had a right to be upset with him for keeping it to himself. But he also expressed no regret for Phai keeping it from her. "He came to me but only because he needed someone to finally hear him out. He told me during a very vulnerable state of mind. If it wasn't for whatever upset him that day, he would have said nothing at all."
"Olympias let it slip. That's how I found out. And she's right, a mother shouldn't have to find out that way."
"It saves Phai the trouble of telling you."
"You think I was going to give him trouble about it?" She took it offensively.
Amyntor leaned up to where his back was straight against the headboard. He switched on his light and looked deeply at his wife. "I do. I think you would have broken down and cried and it wouldn't have helped his confidence."
She did the same and looked back at him with open emotion. "I get that you wanted to protect him but from me? His own mother?"
"It's hard enough for him to even be around Alex without trying to be discreet. And you've always been on about grand-kids. Phai is never going to produce any kids and I'll kill Leon if he gets my little girl pregnant. As parents, we're shit out of luck but we can't be that way. We shouldn't even think that way. We should think about what our kids want and not what we think they need."
"I, I don't even know what to say right now. How can we even say or pretend to know that this is what he wants? He could be confused. How can we be sure that nothing happened to him again like before? You remember when we sat down with that therapist? He said things like sexual abuse at a young age can create confusion and or wonder especially when it's from a stranger. Look at Phai's behavior. He's been standoffish with us and in every social environment. He has no girls as friends and only hangs around boys all day long. You don't think that is strange behavior?"
"That man wasn't a stranger. He was his fucking coach for second and third grade. We've invited that scumbag to fucking dinner before. He was hiding in plain sight. All predators do."
"What difference does it make, stranger or not? It was traumatic for Phai! And we could have put a stop to it early on if Phai had just told us before the grooming began."
"He was embarrassed."
"All I am saying is, what if it is an obsession that he has with Alex and what if he doesn't know better or even knows what he wants? How would he know if he doesn't talk to someone about it?"
"He's not confused about Alex."
"How do you know?"
"I don't know." Amyntor shut his eyes, sighing.
"Have they had sex?"
"I'm not sure." Amyntor denied.
She lightly slapped him on the arm. "You paused. They're having sex."
"We can't keep them from having sex."
"These are the things we need to be concerned about. As much as I love Alex, like my own son, we don't know anything about him or his family. I do know that Phillip had multiple ex-wives. I know that he had been cheating on Olympias. Who is to say Alex won't ever pick up those bad habits? And the genetics to alcoholism. What if Phai gets hurt?"
"You're right. We have no idea about any of these things. And we'll never know unless Phai speaks up about it. We just have to pray Phai has good judgment. And that whole thing is a myth. Men who molest boys aren't always gay and boys don't become gay that way."
"At that young an age, you don't know better. He was touched and abused by an adult male who had great influence on him. Phai being silent about it is proof of that. I just wish he wouldn't keep secrets from us especially ones that are only hurting him more. Oh god, do you think he still remembers all of it?"
"If I remember mine, he remembers his. It's something you don't forget. I wish there was a miracle pill that could make people forget but there isn't and it sucks."
Alex walked Phai back to his house after he finally gave up and admitted it was sleep, he needed. They stopped on Phai's lawn.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow before I go." Alex said hopeful.
Phai nodded. "I have something for you. I'll be back."
Alex did wait. He was nervous. He had never been this nervous around him before. When Phai came back outside, closing the door behind him quietly, Alex tensed when he saw a little boxed gift in his hand. Phai gave it to him. "For your birthday. Sorry it's late." Then he handed Alex something else. Alex frowned at the notebook and the color drained from his face. He said nothing, in shock just staring at it like it was disease of some kind.
"Don't worry, I didn't open it."
Alex didn't seem to be comforted by that. He slowly took it and still said nothing.
"Your mom wanted me to see into your psyche. Apparently it's pretty bad. By the look on your face I'm sure theirs pretty bad stuff in there but it's none of my business unless you want it to be. I would never look into you like that without your permission. But if it is bad, that's okay."
"Why were you over there?"
Phai smiled as if he had something to tell him but couldn't. He couldn't outright say that he threatened her with his emotional intelligence. "I apologized about the other day. She made it seem like she had a change of heart but not for the right reason. I needed her to know that it's harder on you than it is for me."
Alex looked shocked by that. He wondered how that conversation went. A calming presence versus a crazed one.
"Can I have the puppy tonight?" Phai asked sweetly.
Alex nodded and handed Phai the snorting dog. Then Alex began to wonder why Phai wanted the puppy. Did he not feel it was safe with him? Did he think he was to unstable to take care of it himself? Or did Phai need something to cuddle with for the night knowing Alex wasn't going to be able to. Maybe the puppy was the key to making sure Alex came back to him.
Phai knew Alex was in his head, kissed him, turned off the porch light and went inside. He left Alex there with his thoughts. Alex didn't have the luxury that the entire world had. It didn't matter how mentally exhausted he was, he couldn't find sleep anywhere. But again, that wasn't his biggest worry at the moment. Phai was his biggest worry. Why would Phai feel like that! Because if something bad did happen to Phai because of him, how could he forgive himself? And what if Phai did read something in his journal. What if his mom was right about him. Who could love him?
Alex went over to his house and sat on the door step. It was a fight to get Phai to go home. He was uncooperative and on edge about strange things. What Phai had told him was unsettling and Alex had no idea he would walk into that. It shouldn't have surprised him but it hit him as if he ran into a wall. Why would Phai feel like that? Is all he kept thinking. He sat for awhile thinking everything over. He pulled out his phone and called a number. The phone rang and rang and rang. It finally took to voicemail.
"Hey, I know I never come to you for advice but I really need it this time. Phai is acting weird and I'm not sure what to say to him or what I can do for him. I don't even really know what it's about. He was saying some weird stuff...concerning stuff. Out of nowhere. What do I do? I don't know what to do. For some reason he can't talk to me about it. He's afraid of me and I don't know why. He won't admit it but he's afraid of me and that feeling is...it's horrible." Alex paused halfway through the voicemail. He knew it would time out soon so he picked his next words carefully. "I figured you would be the best person to tell me what the fuck I'm doing wrong since we're so much alike. Please, call me back. You would know what to do." Then he hung up and waited for a call back. He waited and waited and waited. An hour went by. But he would never get a call back. It didn't matter how much time came and gone. He looked up to see Alexander standing before him.
The king looked deeply disappointed. He was in his nightgown, with his blonde mane hanging long and curled. "If you wanted advice about our Phai, you should have called me instead."
"I don't trust you." Alex answered bluntly.
"But you trust your dead father?"
Alex frowned and looked at the number he dialed. He had called his dad, completely forgetting that his funeral was over almost 168 hours ago. Alexander reached out his hand and Alex hesitantly gave him his cell. Alexander deleted the number then gave it back. "You can listen to his voicemails anytime you wish but never call him again. You don't need him anymore. He would tell you that you never really needed him. Believe him."
Alex obliged. How could he have forgotten that his dad was dead and gone?
"Fuck." He said, mad at himself. He stood and entered his home. He entered without Alexander. Alexander went somewhere else. Alex took a couple of steps inside then stopped before the empty living room and looked to the left at the round clock on the wall that used to be above the couch. At least that was left. There was a specific energy missing. It felt dead and hollow. He felt dead and hollow. It was 12 A.M. He thought it would be later. He blinked. It should have been later. He looked away from the time and walked towards the stairs and looked up. He put one foot on the first step but stopped himself and leaned against the rail as if his body would drop any second now. It should have been later. Why was it not later? He closed the distinguishable eyes that should have saw but didn't. He shouldn't have felt hurt like this. Phai shouldn't have felt hurt like this. What did he do wrong?
"Mom."
The drowsy lady shifted to her side but didn't answer.
"Mom." Alex repeated.
"It's late, Alex. Go to bed." She said in distortion.
"I will. I just need you to understand something. I need you to listen and understand what I am about to tell you. You need to be awake for that."
She grunted, removed her eye mask and wiped at her heavy squinted eyes. "What is this about, Alex?"
"Look at me."
She leaned up on the hard floor and looked at her son who was standing in the door way of her room, the only light being the moon through the open window. "What's wrong?" She was uselessly concerned.
"Remember when I warned you about having small talks with Phai and the lies you feed him about me. Well he's scared of me now. I can't tell if he hates me, I can't tell if he's just going through something personal. I could always read him but not today. But he's scared of me that much I did read."
"I said nothing to him that he wasn't already thinking himself. Now go to bed. You're not thinking straight."
"He asked me a question today. He asked what my last words would be to him if he was seconds away from never seeing or hearing from me again. I couldn't come up with anything because I don't want to ever think about never seeing or hearing from him. I didn't come up with anything for his sake and for mine. But chances are I would thank him. I would thank him for setting me free. For saving me from the dark side. And I'd probably tell him how much I can't wait to embrace him again on the other side. And if there is ever a second chance for us, I would give all of my love to him and it would never go away."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I know exactly what I will say to you seconds before you die and a part of me can't wait. I hate feeling that way. By the way, I called dad just now. I forgot he was gone. You're right. I'm a little crazy. Goodnight, mom."
Olympias, in tears she wasn't expecting before bed, watched her son leave down the dark hallway.
Mom has always been far less abrasive than my dad. Dad could show the world his dick just to prove a point. Mom decided that's what she hated about him; therefore, she'd be the mature one in the relationship. That's what she would have you think, that she's a gentle and kind lady.
She does this thing where, even if I do the most heinous thing to her, say the most disrespectful words, which there have only been two terrible things I've done and said, she'll always forgive me. She'll stay mad but she'll stay loving, like a mother does. She does it so that I feel guilty. But I always feel guilty, by nature, even if the thing I'm guilty of is as faultless as it is baseless. My mother is a terrible person and the only thing that makes her a terrible mother is the control she craves to have over me by warping my mind to think that I am in need of her. That I am a demon she could throw a harness over and walk me down the street to be admired. But no one can pet me. Not ever. I wasn't theirs to be touched. When I call her out on it, she says that my father was the same. She'd even go as far to say that she was the lesser evil of the two.
I can thank them and hate them both equally. Mom was controlling but if not for my mother's ruthlessness, I would not have had the balls to conquer half the world. Dad was neglectful but if not for my father's relentlessness, I would not have had the strive to conquer half the world.
But without Hephaistion? I would not have been a good king. And if I am without Phai, I can not be a good person...And there I go, fucking losing him again.
Amyntor handed Alex his nicely packed lunch bag full of sandwiches and other snacks that would last him the entire ride.
"Thanks." Alex said without a smile. Not because he was ungrateful but because he was upset that the day was finally taking place. The lunch wasn't helping him forget that he'd be going far. But Amyntor smiled at him to reassure him that everything would be okay.
"Make sure none of it goes to waste or my wife will kill me." He said to help lighten the mood.
Alex nodded with a grin. "It will probably be gone in the next 20 minutes or so. I appreciate it."
"Anytime." Amyntor smiled. "You sure you can handle the road for 20 hours?"
"Yea, I enjoy the open road."
"Truck driver in your future?"
"Maybe."
"Make sure you give us a call if something happens. We'll be there."
Alex nodded. He knew by 'we' Amyntor meant himself and Phai. Phai. He was standing on the curb not knowing what to do or say. He had a look on his face, as if he was paralyzed by the moment happening in front of him. The look someone gives when they can't believe something is happening and it is, right before their very eyes.
Alex didn't know what to do. He couldn't take Phai with him. He couldn't stay. He couldn't do a damn thing. Usually there's that grey area in the middle. This time it was just black and white. By the way Phai was handling himself, Alex could tell, he didn't know what to do either. He wasn't okay with it. So he'd rather not say goodbye. He'd rather not finalize it. He'd rather not chase Alex this time and Alex couldn't blame him. When Amyntor was done, Phai came up to Alex and hugged him. It was a quick hug like they shouldn't be doing it. He didn't see him off and just hurried inside.
Amyntor looked back at Alex. "No hard feelings, Alex. He's not taking it very well.
The blonde nodded in understanding. He tried really hard not to make it seem like a big deal and shrugged. "I guess I'll talk to you later."
"Keep in touch."
I was gone. There was no climax. There were no conclusions. No last-minute chats or hugs with friends. It was a slow burn. I usually can leave behind pain but this one hurt because I never once left knowing how Phai really felt. This time I left knowing how he felt about me. The depression, the sadness, the overwhelming tucked away emotions, the non-verbal signals, yea, it was all there like a list ready to be checked off. It was like he had been waiting for me to cure him and I failed and this was my walk of shame. I didn't know what he read or saw in that notebook. He said he saw nothing but I'm sure he saw everything. Everything that I am or will be. I guess my mom was right. I guess everybody is right about me. I'm bad to be around.
I was taking the car and my mom was taking the flight and all I wanted was Phai to jump in the car with me and we could go somewhere, anywhere but there. Just the two of us so that we can talk and share everything we've ever had on our minds, anything we've ever been through, everything we've ever done—the bad things, the good things, the weird things.
But I didn't even kiss him goodbye.I just drove off.
Amyntor knocked on Phai's door. Phai didn't answer and he helped himself in. He stared at his moody son and Phai stared right back. He was sitting in his bed with his arms crossed with nothing to say. It wasn't the first time he had to have a talk with his boy.
"You shouldn't have left Alex like that." Amyntor said, getting straight to the point.
"What was I supposed to do? Cry like a big baby in front of him? Beg him to stay?"
Amyntor smiled patiently at his cheerless son. "Wouldn't that have been better than running away? If you're mad at him, you need to tell him. You also need to understand that this isn't a choice he has."
"I'm not mad at him."
"Does he know that?"
Phai realized that must have been Alex's thought before he left him. "I'm not mad at him." He said. "I'm not."
"It's okay to be sad. Your mom was sad every day I wasn't home. But I came back."
"I know he'll be back. I just don't know if I want him to."
Amyntor figured that was a much more serious topic. One for later.
"Do you think all good things come to an end?"
Phai rolled his eyes. "Don't they?"
"Do you love him?"
Phai nodded. He imagined nothing. Instead he remembered all the days they had fun together, where they were happy together and he realized what they had was ninety percent good. Those were good numbers. Alex was the love of his life. And he let him go without saying goodbye.
"Do you trust him?"
That was the ultimate question. Phai blinked, paused in a moment of emotion he didn't enjoy. "I want to. But he doesn't trust himself."
"Here's the thing." Amyntor sat at the end of messy bed to explain. "I trust your mother with everything that I am made of because I don't trust myself. She can tell you the stories. This is normal Phai. Whatever you're feeling, it is normal. Alex may need someone that trusts him so that he can finally trust himself. That's how relationships work. That's how I came back alive. Because I trusted strangers with my life. You get through it together and it only ends if you walk away. Phai, I trust you as my son who I raised right, to do the right thing. So, what do you want to do?"
Phai wiped away some incoming tears and took a deep breath. "I don't know."
"Yes you do."
"I want Alex."
"I agree. So let's go. I'll be in the car."
Alex had pulled off to the side of the road when he reached the first light, three minutes from the neighborhood.
Another one came. It was about his marriage to Princess Roxane and how aside Hephaistion was the whole day coming. It was a beautiful ceremony and the King seemed happy enough. Later, after the celebration, Hephaistion came to him late in the night and gave him a ring, a ring to remember him by. A ring to never forget him. Just in case they were to lose each other. Then the vision was over.
Alex reached in the glove compartment for his dads migraine pills and took a hand full. He swallowed them without anything to take it down easier and turned to see his birthday gift from Phai that he had forgot he seated on the seat next to him. He wanted to open it but didn't so he just left it there. He wasn't sure why he was avoiding it. He then removed the ring his father gave him and tossed it in the back. Then he had a short mental breakdown.
"What happened?" He asked himself. "What happened!" He shouted while gripping the steering wheel as if to rip it off. He had been obsessing over it.
Bucephalus barked as if to ask him what was wrong.
"I don't need you mad at me too." Alex turned and glared at her. "Be quiet."
Bucephalus kept barking at him and Alex grew annoyed. He started talking to her like she could understand him but she kept it up. Then he tried feeding her treats but she kept barking. Alex sighed and looked back to the front. He closed his eyes, counted and opened them back up again.
The barking had stopped, his thoughts had stopped. He told himself he was calm enough, started back up the car, drove for another minute and pulled up to another red light. Then she started barking out of nowhere again.
His phone vibrated in his seat and he answered it without looking to see who it was. "Hello." He answered miserably.
Out of sight, Phai calls me. He says, "Hi, Alex," in the sweetest and saddest tone I have ever heard from him.
"Hi, Phai." I answer in so much confusion, adjusting myself upright. Just minutes before and after I was gone I thought we had nothing more to say to each other for awhile. It felt like a dream.
"I love you. I won't leave you like that again." He said to me.
"Wait, what?"
"I'm driving."
Amyntor pulled up next to Alex in his Jeep. Alex saw Phai jump out. Amyntor waved and did an extreme u-turn back the way he came. Alex scooted over to the passenger seat when Phai opened the door and took over the wheel. The blonde was confused. He still had the phone up to his ear thinking that the Phai next to him wasn't really there. I mean, he would hallucinate, a lot.
Phai looked at him. "You ready?"
"Uh...what are you doing here?"
"You're not a responsible driver. I told you, I don't want you driving alone."
"Phai, I thought you were.."
"I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself."
Alex finally put his phone down. He blinked, still thinking it wasn't real. "Phai, you don't have to do this. It's a long drive. And you've never been to Colorado before. I don't think you've been to any state. I'm telling you, it's going to be a long ride and you didn't even bring anything. Also, how are you getting back?"
"Remember that day you kidnapped me from school and took me to a beach hours from home just to see the moon?"
"Yes but it wasn't a 20 hour drive."
"I don't care about the drive, Alex. I don't think I will ever have a night like that again if I'm without you."
Alex cleared his throat nervously. "Phai, I need this to be something you want."
"You are everything that I want. Everything else will come later. Right now, I want you. Are you okay with that?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea." Alex smiled. "I'm sure."
-Stranger