Chapter 13 Painful Memories

Gold laid in his bed for hours before he could go to sleep. Belle was back! And yet she looked so unhappy that he could gather no joy from her return. He felt helpless, and not only that, he felt guilty. Just a few hours ago, arriving back to the Victorian after going all day without her, he had decided to go to bed early-a bit peeved at himself for how much Belle's presence in his life had affected him. The Victorian was twenty shades darker without her in it. Passing her room, the door open, he couldn't help but lean on the frame, and look at all the ways she had changed the room to look and feel more like her.

Her room was technically tidy, but she had a pile of books of various themes on her nightstand, and on her bed. Beside the spilling books was a notebook, laid open with a pencil marking the page and drawings scattered over the page's surface. It was a layout of a garden. Guiltily he moved closer to see how she had plotted out the different herbs and vegetables of this imaginary garden, and noticed too, that while the books were varying, there was a good stack, on the floor near her bed, all about gardens. He recognized the book from his library-he tended to collect any and all books he found of interest, and he had liked those particular ones because the authors had used pencil or watercolor illustrations, instead of the bright photographs that most modern volumes boasted. Instead of gaudy jackets, these were tastefully bound in neutral colors that wouldn't clash with the other books in his library. He had done this with many other genres of books. He liked a cohesive library, but varied books to choose from. It seemed his little maid, who smiled so warmly and gave so much, had an interest in gardening. Sitting on her bed (now he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, but his leg did hurt, and he wanted confirmation-and Mr. Gold was used to obtaining the information he set out to get), he peered closer, and sure enough, he could see sketched out landmarks surrounding the garden that made him sure that she imagined the little fantasy garden as being a part of his home. He smiled to himself as an idea took hold.

'Mr. Gold?' The noise startled him and he dropped his cane and the journal he found he was holding (goodness gracious, had he gone and picked up the journal too?). Fumbling to gather himself and make sure things were like they were before, he came out worried that she somehow knew he had been in her room. She wasn't right outside the door (to his great relief), and he limped down the stairs.

'Belle?'

There she was, her eyes looking worried, darting up towards him as he came down and then looking down at her feet, shuffling them, having obvious nerves. He was still shocked that she was even there. It was Friday night, he had not counted on seeing her that weekend, assured there would be no more afternoon lunches, but here she was, squirming where she stood uncomfortably, and he began to worry about what might have caused her to come back so soon. He doubted it was for his riveting company.

'I'm sorry, Mr. Gold, I hope it's alright, but I decided to come back a little early. Is that okay? I can stay out of your way this weekend-I'm sorry, I should have gotten your number from Dove…'

She looked like she could burst into tears at any moment, and he stood, uncomfortable and not knowing what to do. She worried she had come back too soon-he could relieve her of that much.

'It's alright, I don't mind that you're back.' He gave a side smile, trying to put some of the teasing notes to his words that they had adopted during their lunches. He just wanted to see her smile again, and be reassured that she was okay. 'Is, um, everything okay?' That's what a friend would ask, wouldn't they? And if they were true friends, she would feel comfortable enough opening up to him. But they weren't, he could tell that she was trying to will herself to not convey her emotions, though she did a poor job. He was her employer and she, his employee, and she must deem anyone she was on speaking terms with as a friend in only the general sense. He could accept such shallow terms, though he couldn't help wishing for more.

'Oh yes, Daddy and I just, well, I think we needed a bit of space for a few days.' She attempted to appear cheerful, but couldn't manage for long, she excused herself and scrambled past him up the stairs, a sob forming before she reached her room and Gold was left standing, his heart aching and not knowing what to do at all.

He was back at her door again, hearing her cry on the other side. He wanted to do something-break something, preferably, and for the first time he had no other reason to do so than the fact that someone so full of joy was crying because of a reason that he could not know. They were barely even friends, and though he might wish it was different, wish there was something more, there wasn't, and he must simply come to terms with it. He went to his room, to get ready for bed, knowing that sleep would be a long time coming.

The first thing Gold was aware of was that the house smelled warm and sweet. Everything seemed suddenly back to a glorious normal, until he remembered the unshed tears behind those deep blue eyes that had looked so forlorn into his and then the sobbing he heard on the other side of the door, and suddenly he wasn't as enthused about going downstairs as he was when he first breathed in the delicious smells coming from below.

Cursing his cowardice, he began his morning routine, not forgoing any part of it, though he might be more comfortable in something else, he would not approach her without his full armor intact.

The kitchen was such a tranquil scene as he approached it. She with her spiraling curls pulled in a low ponytail and hanging pleasantly on her shoulder, her arm pressed on the table and her hand supporting her head as she leaned over some sort of novel. A half eaten pastry was sitting lonely on her plate as her shoulders leaned in to whatever words were on the page. The smells that had lured him out of bed were now stronger and mixed with a sort of earthy smell. The window had been cracked open, letting more spring gusts intermingled with the oven, whose door had been left open to allow lingering heat to escape. There was no sign of distress written on Belle's face any longer, and he was given the boldness to allow his next tap of the cane to echo on the tile floor-it, like so many other things in his life, Gold had bent to his whims and control.

Belle startled at the tap and a small smile started at the very edges of her lips, but were pulled quickly on upwards that tension that he did not know was lurking in his shoulders gave way and he was able to walk in properly.

'Good morning, Mr. Gold!' Her voice was light and happy, with no trace of the weeping that had gone on the night before, though perhaps a tinge of sadness lurked at the corners of her face, if he were to look very hard.

He couldn't help but give a gentle smile back, nerves still playing along the edges of his stomach fearing that something he would do or say would shatter the golden halo of pleasantness that had been theirs thus far.

'Good morning. T-thank you for breakfast. You didn't have to do so much-you are still on holiday until Monday, you know.'

Her smile lingered, so he hadn't ruined things yet.

'I know, but I quite like baking, and you don't seem to mind that I do.' She teased, and he chuckled at her finding one of his keenest weaknesses-deliciously baked sweets. 'It always helps get my mind off of things and my mo-' She paused, her smile gone now, but the flash of pain that came to her face was short lived and her shoulders squared with determination. 'My mother loved baking. These are her recipes, and I feel closest to her when I bake.'

'She was quite a cook then?' He hoped he wasn't prying, but her look gave no hint at offense so he breathed a little lighter.

'Yes!' She smiled. 'She always had me in the kitchen helping her on the weekend. I hate to admit that I didn't enjoy it then as much as I do now. When she-' her lips were being once again chewed on, but this time they seemed to hide a small quiver that hurt him terribly. 'When she got the cancer diagnosis, I finally saw the great therapeutic effects baking and cooking could have-and as much as I enjoy reading, it's more of an escape than a way to work through the thoughts that torment.'

He had sat down across from her with his own plate of jellied filled pastries, though they were yet untouched as he listened to her heart aching tale.

'And are you tormented right now, Belle?' it was an almost whisper, he almost didn't dare ask, but he felt compelled to do so. Hardly a friend he might be, but only a true monster could watch her suffer and not beg to assist.

She let out a breath and seemed to become aware of herself more. She gave a small smile.

'That's probably a bit dramatic on my part, but I had a lot to think about this morning. I'm sorry I came in such a state last night. Daddy, he-well, I love him very much, but sometimes he doesn't understand me at all!' She ran her hand over her face, as if embarrassed. 'Even that sounds very dramatic, teenage girl-ish.'

'You've never been dramatic before, I have a feeling you aren't being so now, either.'

Her eyes met him with some sort of unspoken gratitude, for reasons he didn't quite understand-he had merely spoken the truth, though perhaps softer than he normally spoke it.

'Would you like to talk about it?' said the person who had thrown walls of secrecy about his person, not willing for anyone to know his own past and reasons for his actions. But this was Belle that he was asking so cautiously-her face and emotions always seemed open for the reading, and he hoped that the question would be taken for what it was-a reach out to comfort.

Belle smiled, a very knowing smile, she always did seem to understand what it was he was trying to convey.

'Thank you, I-I think once I start, both of us might find I've been rather silly.' He gave her a look that told her that he doubted it, so she continued.

'The guest that I told you about-It's funny, but I had it all in my mind that it was a woman that Daddy had met that he wanted my approval over. Turns out it was my sort of ex-boyfriend that Daddy didn't seem to care if I approved of or not.'

Gold stiffened. He gathered himself not to expose any anger at the continuation of this story.

'Seeing him brought so many unpleasant memories-for backstory, It was my senior year in highschool-and besides focusing on my schoolwork, I kind of checked out of noticing any of the social aspects highschool normally brings, because of losing Mom. Tony was the popular kid, the athlete, was really attractive and he knew it, and when he came up to me and asked me out to prom and to date in general, I was elated at first. I knew he and I didn't run in the same circles…I know it might be hard to believe this, Mr. Gold, but I was kind of a nerd.' She smiled slyly through her reflections, holding up her book-something old and classic, and exactly something he would have supposed her to be reading-as evidence of the words she spoke. 'I knew him, but didn't know him, if that makes sense. He told me how beautiful I was, how smart I was, and he even commented on whatever book I was carrying around at the time, and I thought that perhaps I had misjudged him for being an airhead, and told him yes, as far as prom and dating went.

Daddy was so happy for me-I think he might have been even happier than I was. I know you'll also be surprised to hear that our little shop was always on the verge of going under, no matter how hard I worked or how much I helped, we always were doing good if we were even treading water.' She shrugged, her smile not as teasing as it was before. 'Ruby was really sweet. As you can very well see, I am short and Ruby's dress from the year before was too small for her anymore after the growth spurt she had that year, and she let me borrow it, so I didn't have to go out and buy a new one. I didn't think it mattered-I really didn't think anyone would even notice, and I've never been one overly concerned with how I looked.'

It was something he lo… liked about her. She was stunningly beautiful and didn't seem to realize or obsess over it.

'Tony came and behaved exactly as he should, smiling and letting Daddy take a million photos. Right before we went inside, he started showing his true colors. He kept condescendingly asking me to go fetch him things and to 'be a dear' when I did so. He only let us talk to his friends, and always pulled me away from my own friends. I felt uncomfortable with both him and his so-called friends. I wore something that Ruby would normally consider downright modest, but it was a formal, and I suppose I looked quite different than normal, and received more looks than I liked. By the end of the evening, I was tired and ready to be home, and I was already thinking of a way to get out of any further dates with Tony.

Tony pulled in front of Daddy's shop, parked and seemed very smug and pleased with himself as he got ready to tell me goodbye. He told me he was glad we were together now, as Larry's math was struggling and he was worried about passing and graduating. I looked at him, confused and he kept speaking as if I were under some sort of obligation to now help him cheat at school. I told him I would do no such thing and he became visibly upset, and I won't lie-it scarred me. 'I asked you out for two reasons': he said 'you're the hottest girl in school, and I wanted some eye candy to look at and touch when I wanted to, and because you're also the smartest girl in school. Now I need to get something out of this-especially if I'm going to be dating a clumsy, anti-social, nerdy misfit who can't even be bothered to wear a new dress to Prom. Apparently, he told me soon afterwards, he paid attention to Ruby's dress the year before, as it was one of the few times 'she was hot' to quote him.'

Gold sat grimly looking on, wondering how exactly to answer her to make her feel better. He wondered if her father knew how condescending this Tony character had been that he should think it would be wise to invite him back into their lives. Apparently Belle took his silence as aloofness, he shouldn't wonder, and she continued.

'I know it all sounds like teenage foolishness, and I suppose it is, but after I rejected him when he finished, he made the rest of the year a living hell. He mocked me, and pointed out my flaws and physical imperfections every single day until graduation. He did so publicly and invited the laughter of all those in his group towards me. I was very happy to be done with highschool, Mr. Gold, and when I saw Tony again after four years of not having to deal with him, it caused all those memories to come back, and no matter that I had told Daddy how unhappy I'd been after prom, he didn't remember, I suppose and thought I would be ecstatic to go out with him.'

Gold felt the need to answer in some sort of way.

'People's words can be just as damaging as blows, I've found. I see why it would be upsetting. I am sorry you dealt with that.'

She smiled warmly at him.

'I even tried to approach it calmly, yesterday. I tried to give him a second chance, but I don't think he's much different than he was then, and I think that's what really caused all the negative emotions I had in highschool to come bubbling over. And then for Daddy to not understand…'

She looked up suddenly, reddening.

'I'm sorry, Mr. Gold, I'm afraid I've talked your ears off.'

Mr. Gold greatly attempted a comforting smile back, not knowing if he was successful or not.

'My ears are very much still intact, I-I am sorry again that yesterday was so distressing...'

'Nothing you did, Mr. Gold, and nothing a batch of fruit pastries won't clear up.' she smiled. 'Thanks for listening, you're a good friend.' She reached and squeezed his hand, and got up to gather the dishes.

'I can do that, Belle, it's still your vacation and you did all the cooking.'

She glanced back at him and smiled, he wondered if his eyes still showed the shock he had when she had reached out to him.

'Rinse for me? Then it will be done twice as fast.'

She was smiling all the way up to her sparkling blue eyes, and she looked as if a great burden was lifted from her. He wondered if it was the baking that had sorted out her troubles or if it could even be that speaking to him had done so. He hoped he might be a small reason that the smile was deeper. He wanted to assure her that he was there for her, and he was listening, and he would forever respect any wishes she might have in the future. Her father didn't deserve her-but who was he to declare such a thing. If Belle only knew what kind of father he was… he wondered if telling her his own burden would make his own shoulders as light as Belle's.

'Belle?'

She looked up from the soap filled sink, her sleeves rolled up and a stray bubble clasping to an errant ringlet.

'I-I would like to give you a hypothetical situation and-and I would very much like to know what you would do…'

She tilted her head, he breathed in, quieting his nerves, and began.

Author's Note: I have a confession, and it might be rather obvious, but I didn't go to a traditional highschool,and therefore, did not participate in prom. Thus, how things flowed might be a little flawed here, I apologize if that's the case.

I also tried to make Gold seem less a creep than I worried he might have appeared at the end of the last chapter.
I hope the whole Tony/Belle scenario made sense and her explanation flowed okay... It's what I've worried over the last two chapters.
Hopefully you like it okay, and are ready for some Gold revelations in the next chapter! Thank you for your feedback and comments so far! They make me very happy!