Chapter 14 Out in the Open
'I-I would like to give you a hypothetical situation and-and I would very much like to know what you would do, how you would respond, perhaps…'
The morning was shaping up to be one for the record books. Not only had she allowed Mr. Gold to have access to some of her most raw moments of highschool (she still stood in unbelief that she had been so open with him-though his kind eyes and concerned glances told her that perhaps it had been alright to confide such memories, after all), but he now approached her in a nervous way, showing that this 'hypothetical situation' would most likely be much closer to the very grains of truth that he had wanted so badly to conceal, before.
'Imagine that you are a young, teenage boy.' He paused a moment, looking over at her, her hands still buried in suds, trying to erase the bits of fruit still clinging to the saucepan. He looked as if he were just now, trying to imagine that she was indeed a young, teenage boy and his conclusion was causing confusion making his face all crinkly, and it made her want to laugh (though she suppressed it for the most part, deciding an amused smile would have to do instead).
'I'll definitely try-and maybe I'll have more success than you at trying to imagine that I am.'
His brown eyes went large and then soft all at once, finding perhaps some levity before he shared whatever seemed to be bothering him.
'Yes…well.' He smiled before his face sobered. 'Imagine you were adopted by, what I imagine are good, wonderful parents in what the record books clearly state is an open adoption. However, despite all that, your birth parents have never contacted you throughout your life, and now, at the age of fifteen, would you, content in the life that you live, despise a birth parent that suddenly decided to come into your life, because, perhaps he didn't know of your existence? Would you-do you think you would forgive such a parent their ignorance, or do you think you would despise the parent for interrupting your life and would rather have not known about them at all, and lived your life in happy bliss with no knowledge of their existence?'
Belle dried her hands on a towel, the few dishes being completed. She looked at Mr. Gold, his face looked so broken and vulnerable that she weighed her next words carefully.
'It's so hard to say, Mr. Gold. My first gut reaction is to claim that the more love and family that a person can have, well, that can only be a good thing, right? Although, I know teenagers aren't known as being the most rational people in the world…'
Mr. Gold sighed, dejectedly.
'But I think, no matter the initial response, I truly think he would want to know that there was someone out there who cared about him, because you do, don't you?'
He had been looking away from her, his eyes glossed over with pain. For someone who could at once appear so sinister and unapproachable, he also could appear fragile in a moment. If she said a wrong phrase, she was worried he would shatter like glass and be broken for good. Then again, perhaps not. This didn't seem like the burden of a moment or the emotions of a recent problem. How long had he been dealing with this pain?
When she showed she understood that he was the parent in question, he looked at her with some of the fury she had seen when she brought up the photograph. She did not shrink or waver, for she saw that there was so much panic and fear that she doubted that any of the anger was towards her this time.
'I-um, that is, Miss French, would you follow me to the study?'
She didn't point out that he had reverted to using her last name. She only nodded her head and allowed him to lead her into the study, where he pulled out a key from his pocket and unlocked the forbidden drawer, pulling out a stack of letters, documents, and the photograph.
'Your son.' She ventured, glancing at the familiar, brown eyed boy looking up at her from the desk. 'I am guessing is the hypothetical teenaged boy?'
He nodded, distress etched in his normally subdued facial expressions. He pulled out a letter, the handwriting that she could see from where she stood was wobbly and written by someone with both haste and without much care for how it looked.
'My wife, ex wife, rather, and now late ex wife I suppose, sent me this letter as a way to exact her final laugh and a parting gift to me before leaving this world.'
Belle tilted her head as if that would help her better decipher the words.
'Fifteen years ago, my wife filed for a divorce, after only a years worth of marriage where she mostly found ways of siphoning as much of my money as possible, and oh, how stupidly foolish I had been in thinking that she actually loved me, with me never giving a thought of any sort of document ahead of time that would ensure that she couldn't take as much as she did. She was quite a good actress, I'll admit-had me believing that I was the luckiest man alive. I was a self made man, had a pretty wife, and I was looking forward to the future. Turns out, she had her true sights set on a man she had met from the Navy-younger, better looking, not crippled.' He spat out each word, as if he were merely repeating what had been told to him on numerous occasions, verbatim. 'But unfortunately for her, he was not very well to do. The military isn't the most lucrative profession, and his bad habits didn't help his financial situation-it had him very dishonorably discharged some time later, I've learned. Millie played me like a violin, and my money sang for her. I was angry, and did and said things I'll not repeat, as I'm sure you've got a fair impression of my volatile temper to guess what it would be like for someone to do what she did. I had no background in law at the time, and went about the whole thing wrong. I just didn't want anything to do with her, and thought that a quicker resolution, even if it cost me thousands of dollars, would be worth it to be rid of her once and for all.'
Belle had placed her hand over his, but she didn't think he could even feel it. He was so completely immersed in his memories that she wondered if he remembered that she was still standing in front of the desk, listening. Her heart broke for the betrayal this woman had put Mr. Gold through, and she was beginning to understand his distrust of others.
'I never heard from her once the divorce was final and I never expected to hear from her again and didn't, until six months ago when she sent me this-this letter. I also won't expose you to her hateful words. 'He saw her again, but only for a moment. ' but the gist of it is, she had a terminal illness that took her about two months ago, if my sources are correct, and it turns out that she had been pregnant with a son while the divorce took place without my knowledge. She placed him up for adoption, an open adoption, pretending that she would be keen on keeping up with the child, but didn't, leading the child, most likely, to believe that his birth parents didn't care for him.' Mr. Gold's voice was shaking as he entered into this last bit of information, and Belle's heart was all to pieces and tears threatened to fall for the cruel actions that this now dead woman had inflicted on more than one party. 'She only wanted it open so that she would know the whereabouts and information concerning him and could play his whereabouts like a trump card, should she ever need my assistance. Instead, life played a trick on her and she had to resort to it as an act of final hatred. So now, I have the documents of the adoption, the name and location of my son, along with a photograph that the adopted parents sent trying to connect with Millie some years ago, but the boy, Neal Bailey Darling, is his name, has grown up with the assumption that both of his birth parents care nothing for him, I'm sure. I was not a part of the adoption process, of course, but surely he can only imagine that I abandoned him and his mother, or that I…well that is, well, what do I do now? Should I try to contact him and let him know he has a living father that didn't know of his existence, or should I allow him to live his life without such a burden?'
He was certainly looking at her now with such desperate longing. She wondered why, when trying to keep it a secret for so long, he chose to tell her now, but she did not want to him to believe he had put his faith in her in vain, so she squeezed his hand and ventured,
'Why would knowing you be a burden, Mr. Gold?'
'How could it not be? He is no doubt happy and healthy without knowing me, and I am well aware of how it feels to be abandoned by a father.'
This seemed to be a story in and of itself that Belle thought would be better for another time, if he so chose.
'But you did not abandon him, or at least you did not know you had. You want to know him, don't you?'
It was put forth like a question, but it was really a statement. He nodded. 'But I have yet to attempt it, in all these months. To be rejected would be painful enough, but to cause further pain to someone who had the misfortune to have my ex and I as birth parents. He didn't, doesn't deserve any of this.'
'Neither did you.' She whispered, and she could have sworn there were tears in his eyes as well as hers.
He shook himself and stiffened a little, balancing his weight on his cane, she worried that he might have been standing for too long, and she wondered if she should try to coax him to sit down.
'And so I have been struggling with what to do since I've found the information. I have people, of course, who have gained more information on the boy-but I've been…'
He paused. She wondered what words he was trying to find. She knew he was scared, yet she could tell that he also cared a great deal for this son he had never met before.
'I've been undecided on what to do. I'm sorry I burdened you with all this.' He said as if it were a sudden thought, and he ran his fingers through his hair, as he always did when he was nervous, Belle had noticed.
Belle smiled. 'You make my own worries seem rather small.' She gave a self deprecating laugh and he startled.
'Oh no, no, that's not what I meant to do at all! I only…'
'It's okay, Mr. Gold, really, it's okay.' She comforted. 'I was mostly teasing, but let me also try to reassure you that I am more than willing to listen, especially after you put up with my 'tale of sorrow'.' She put on a dramatic flair to try to cut the tension. He only relaxed a little.
'I don't know what I was thinking-I've never told anyone this, I was worried that anyone would find out about the details of all this and use it against me in some way-I don't know…I guess, I have been at a loss for what to do, and you always-well, I, um, I feel if anyone knew what the right thing to do would be, it would be you.'
Belle gasped a little at the confession. 'That is too much power you put in my hands. I'm no compass that always points true north all the time. However, I'll help you in any way I can. And you truly want my opinion?'
He nodded again. 'Truly'
'Then, I think you should write to him, come what may. It will only eat at you if you don't, and your son might forever wonder about who his birth parents are. He might forgive you, he might not. He might want to connect, he might want nothing to do with you, but how will you ever know if you do not try?'
His whole body seemed weary from the tale he told and he sat down heavily in his chair, releasing a sigh.
'I was both hoping and dreading that you would say that.' He dared a small smile, but the rest of his face was too heavy to hold it.
'You know me so well then?' She tried smiling too, amidst the tears still lingering.
'You are very easy to read, I'm afraid. Writing to him would be the brave thing to do, thus, that is what you would do.' He said with a flourish of his hand towards her.
Belle reddened from the compliment, taking in the man before her. He was the very opposite then, so very hard to read! But, she thought, she would very much like the chance to learn to read him and know him.
'So do you think you will write him then, Mr. Gold?' Her voice squeaked, as she attempted to break the implications of her thoughts.
He nodded once more. 'After saying it out loud and hearing your thoughts, I think that I must.'
Belle smiled, feeling warm and happy, and thinking that she had found yet another chink in the dragon's scales. Then again-perhaps he was no dragon after all but only wore a costume to the outside world. She was quite happy to find the man behind the mask and hoped he would share even more of the real man behind it.
Author's Note: So... Gold's pov is coming and perhaps, the deeper reasons he shared with Belle is coming too. Hopefully you don't think this was too soon or sharing too much, but it 'felt' right to put it here. I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!
Millie/Milah is a bit of a combination of Milah and Cora. Milah in the show, I think, liked Rumple well enough in the beginning before abandoning him. This Milah was a bit more sinister.