The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
There were so many reasons I wanted to die. But my mom being pregnant wasn't one of them. In fact a little part of me wants to cradle my little sister or my little brother and love them the way I wasn't. In the beginning I did want to see the end, just to get it over with. I strongly believed I had suffered enough. There is nothing worse than an invisible clock that ticks and ticks and ticks. You hear it but you can't see it. It's there and it's taunting. It haunts you until you can't feel anymore. But now I don't have to rely on death. I got rid of the virus and he's at the bottom of the pond. Again. Water, seems like a peaceful resting place, suiting for us, but because I've been there, it's far more excruciating than what fire can ever bring. Someone will tell you that there is no comparison between the two...but there is. At least when you're burning, you get to cry out until you turn to nothing. You get to see your body falling apart in front of you. There's also potential that you can make it stop. Maybe people hear you nearby and they come put out the fire. And maybe you last a little longer. You're fried but maybe you get one last word in. What I'm getting at is that you feel fire. Drowning gives you no such way of release. You struggle but it doesn't hurt. It's a condescending way to go because you feel so small. You feel like nothing and nobody knows as the water hides on top of you. It's a different kind of pain.
The king is dead. I was sure of it. No one will lift him back up from his grave. Hephaistion won't be there to reach in and drag him out. Not this time.
The next thing I was sure about was where I was. I was never out, just numb. An active mind and a napping body. I regained clarity posted up in a hospital room with bright lights and calm voices encircling me and a tube down my throat. I felt the plastic pressing harshly against my throat every time I swallowed. I felt high and woozy like I meant to sleep through the drugs that entwined my veins. I guess that's why they call it conscious sedation and as always sleep fails me and there was no good feeling laying there like a flaccid wooden plank.
But I shouldn't be here. I need to be with Phai. I need to be with him. I need to explain what happened. I need to tell him that this wasn't the plan, that I'm not supposed to be here. He's probably worried sick. He's probably pissed off. So like an animal being picked at with spears and held down by rope, I panic. I fight to leave, ripping away the blankets that were meant to keep me warm and dry. I pull the tube from my throat, not feeling a thing. I unlatch any monitors stuck to me and pull the IV from my vein, still not feeling a thing. This is what actual dreams must feel like. Unfeeling. Then my feet touch the cold glossy floor but I am stopped, held down and sedated once again into more delirium...
...and I see the king on a mountain top of glittering weightless snow.
/
The king is swarmed in heavy blankets not nearly warm enough as Hephaistion's warm heart which kept him from sniveling during most nights. He's staring off into the snowy abyss. The Hindu Kush. The Unknown. With his mobile empire stretching out thousands of miles behind him. Cascading the world.
He sighs and he sees his own breath traveling against the cold, moving like an agile stream. Traveling to the face of Prometheus hidden in the mountains where they aim to be. His lips are sore and blue, in pattern with the sore and blue world forward. Destined frozen eyes stare above. Where has our eagle gone? He says turning back with his friend who was thinking the same thing. They had lost sign of hope back in a world far larger than even Alexander dreamed. The men feared that world and they feared the man who owned it even more.
Alexander prays the eagle finds them before it's too late.
\
The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
The two soldiers, Issus and Justinus, readied the horses and Ptolemy knew this was a good thing. Alexander was back to an established right of confidence. Perhaps time alone helped with that. The men trusted him again though some remained suspicious of his intentions, with good reason. None could be blamed for it. Even Alexander couldn't undo the madness. He had held and beheld both unlimited power and of it he knew but one thing; it drove him mad.
Hephaistion felt a different way about putting any faith in the king and he expressed it with Ptolemy after approaching him before they were to take off. "Your loyalty only bought them time until the next revolt. Alexander will have another fluctuation of impulses and urges."
Ptolemy sought out the king through the winds that blew around rough dirt. He breathed out almost in relief and Hephaistion, deep in a frown, couldn't figure out why Ptolemy didn't share his same concerns. "I can recognize a changed man when I see one." Ptolemy said as if the response solved all of their problems. Determined like he had always been, Alexander was at the bright hilltop already upon his horse looking to a new way home. "Luckily he can be reasoned with."
Hephaistion didn't take that lightly, glancing sharply at him. "I can no longer be his voice of reason. I won't be."
The curled haired general then smiled at Hephaistion, turning from a soldier that hurried to bring him supplies and a horse. "He's flawed, yes. As were you when I pulled you out of the Hell forest. You were taken by sadness and anger and loss, yet we tolerated your bursts of insanity. It made sense as to why you behaved out of character. You never suffered anything like that before. Alexander needs guidance. He needs your voice. So I stand by what I said. The fact that he can be reasoned with means he's not far gone and we should welcome miracles when we can."
Hephaistion disagreed with his friend silently. It was in his eyes, a disapproving glint.
Ptolemy grinned lightly, almost triumphantly. "You'll come back around as will he. Time. Time is all we need."
"There's no turning back for men like us." Hephaistion didn't ease down. "We're infected by time."
Ptolemy reached for his cloak sitting over a pitched post. "Exactly. Time goes forward. It gives us opportunities to change who we thought we were. You'll see. I'd give you a hug but it looks like you won't return it, so with that, behave yourself. Don't let him trick you. We'll be back before you know it."
Hephaistion knew who he meant seeing Ptolemy and Cassander share a distant glare. Cassander was at the side of the other generals who were awaiting to see the king take off. Hephaistion looked back at his friend. "Make sure..."
"I will promise to keep Alexander safe." Ptolemy interrupted. "You won't have to worry about him."
"I was going to say to make sure that you return back safely. Not everything is about him." Hephaistion replied and Ptolemy nodded in confidence.
"I certainly will, my friend."
Hephaistion trusted Ptolemy with that, gave him a swift embrace and then watched him leave.
The curled haired general and the two soldiers met up with Alexander at the top of the sandy mount ready to lead the way after promising to return in days. They then rode out down an uncertain path and Hephaistion was left in the dawn of the sun baked days and the twilight of limited nights with no one to confide in but himself.
Amyntor was talking to the nurse trying his best to answer any questions in relation to the patient, also having to explain why they were there in the first place. He didn't see what happened, only heard and came in during the last of it. Alex's mother also didn't see what happened and would only end up being hysterical, therefore unhelpful. Amyntor didn't want there to be any more overwhelming pressure put on Alex which is why he was the best one for the job. While everyone else were having meltdowns, he was collected and clear headed. The plan was to make sure Alex was okay enough to come home. An in and out operation type of thing if it were that easy. However Amyntor didn't have knowledge of other things going on with Alex that would keep the teen there longer. It also didn't help that Alex had listed Amyntor's family down as his emergency contact without telling them. Amyntor accepted that he was going to be in the kids life for the long haul. Honored yet terrified.
But he was glad he took him in. Not happy that he was there but glad that he got him there in time to know more, figuring out things Alex never lied about but dared never to tell a soul before. This was the most they bonded and he could finally come to understand his son's boyfriend. It sucked to see Alex so bummed out and the stay there ended up being more a hassle than anything. Amyntor didn't know what he was hoping for but plenty of things were wrong.
When Alex came back to the real world he had to give a urine sample and they took his blood and they asked him about any medical history and any medical problems and any medications.
"When was the last time you had proper sleep?" The nurse asked.
"I have never slept a day in my life." Admitted Alex, not so sure he should have. "I can't sleep at all."
"Interesting. When was the last time you visited your PCP?" She stayed neutral, not taking it as a literal statement.
"It's been awhile. I don't remember."
"Has your sleeping disorder ever been addressed?"
"Yes. I was told that what I have is a very rare disease, a genetic brain disorder that affects my sleeping patterns but I'm not taking anything for it."
"All of your symptoms you've given are neurological and will tamper with the quality of your life. It is important that you talk to your doctor and seek out some treatment for your insomnia."
"With insomnia you sleep at least a little bit. I'm telling you that I have never slept a day in my life. It shouldn't be possible but it is. I've never been able to close my eyes for longer than ten seconds and when I do, I see things. I have weird visual projections that feel real, like I'm somewhere else. But it's killing me. Slowly."
"There's many available resources we can give you before you leave here today." The nurse dismissed it as if it was too unbelievable to take seriously. "We see this type of thing and most patients pull through. I've seen miracles before. Sometimes medicine doesn't fix everything. Sometimes just living life does. The doctor will be in in a minute." She left him with that, giving him some stoic hope.
I stayed put until another team of doctors came through. I told them everything again. I told them about my delusions, about my deprivations, about my infinite sight. I don't know why I did but maybe it was about time I had a little clarity. Maybe it was about time I stopped keeping people in the dark. Maybe the drugs I was on made me honest with myself. So I gave them a little clarification. A clarification they thought was false. I could see it in their eyes, their looks of judgment on me as if I was there typical pill popper who needed his fix. They were amused when I gave them a list that could have filled up an entire sheet of paper. I didn't want them to know about the Fatal Insomnia Disorder for this very reason. I've been called crazy my entire life and my entire other life and I felt unlucky that they didn't already have an established database of medical records on me. I was unlucky in the sense that I had to physically open my mouth and tell them that I was unwell and I had been for a very long time. Aside from the bigger things that they found questionable, they gave me all of this other secondary information like they were sneaking around trying to figure out the bigger problem behind my back. For the life of them they couldn't figure out why I looked so healthy but my organs weren't. I was told that the blood discharge in my urine was potentially just a prostrate inflammation and that it was highly common and nothing to worry about. But that was just the waiting game, for now they were just running ideas around, maybe not to worry me. They also checked my heart beat and said that it was beating abnormally fast, something about too many beats per minute. So they gave me something to lower my blood pressure and it didn't get better and they couldn't figure out why. They also said that I was severely dehydrated, so they stuck an IV in me, feeding me, nourishing me. Nothing helped. Then from nowhere, they took it all with absolute seriousness. Fate had a hard on for me. I am assigned a new doctor. He ends up being Dr. Phillip Conahan. He wasn't surprised to see me, it was the other way around.
Dr. Conahan dismissed the nurse, the medical consultant, the HR rep, and some trainee observing in the corner. Amyntor was on the phone with his wife somewhere in the lobby trying to catch her up on everything so far.
"So you work here, too? How convenient." Alex said when the doctor entered looking a little disappointed. The blonde leaned back up against the head rest looking just about ready to be scolded about something.
"I'm a traveling practitioner, Alex. I assist when and where I'm needed if I'm not already booked at my home office. Why didn't you tell me everything?"
"This was my first seizure."
"And the blood found in your urine?"
"I didn't think it was a big deal."
"That's not how this works, Alex. You can't just dismiss your problems. Last time I checked in with you, you told me you were doing better. You looked healthy so I assumed you considered everything we spoke about after being diagnosed. I thought you were working on yourself."
"Well let's see, I work out, I stopped drinking and I'm no longer crying over my dead father. I thought I was in a good spot."
"You still haven't told your mother?"
"I told the doctor."
"Did you try to kill yourself?" Dr. Conahan sighed, hating to ask as he took a seat on the only chair on wheels in the room.
Alex quickly leaned up. "No. It wasn't like that at all."
"Are you telling me the truth?"
Alex sneered. "I told them everything this time. Everything I have ever kept to myself, I told them. I would never end my life. I would never do that to the people I love."
Dr. Conahan nodded emphatically. He believed him. He looked completely withheld about something and Alex caught on and his face faded dramatically. "You found something else wrong, didn't you?"
"We need to run a neurological exam."
Alex finally realized what was happening.
"We need to cancel out the possibility of brain cancer. It's only a possibility." Dr. Conahan tried to reassure. "We knew this could happen but let's make sure we can rule it out."
"And if I do have it?" Alex questioned feeling somewhat light headed.
"We can combat it and I would tell you to try to hang in there."
Amyntor walked in and looked as if he had intruded on something private but nothing was private anymore between them. He had been in and out between taking phone calls and getting fresh air. Dr. Conahan stood to greet him and Amyntor thanked him for coming on such short notice. Now it had become obvious that Amyntor called him to come, forgetting that they were introduced at the funeral. Alex didn't seem upset about it. It wouldn't matter. He had been long overdue and he wouldn't be in any place different than where he was at. Having it had it's perks. It will give him a more definite answer on when. Also, life will go on without him. Which means Phai will have to get used to it. He had zoned out as the two men were discussing the potentials of what could be wrong and what the plan will be after the scan but they couldn't do a thing until his blood pressure went down.
"Can I go for a walk?" Alex asked, already making an effort by removing himself from the bed.
"That isn't wise. We need to wait until your blood pressure is at normal levels." Replied Dr. Conahan. "Last time checked it was abnormally high."
"How high?" Asked Amyntor curious as to what was considered abnormal.
"Stroke level high." Dr. Conahan crossed his arms.
"Lay back down." Amyntor said, trying to reason with Alex through a stern look. He stared at him until Alex listened.
Alex slouched back into the bed.
"The medication should kick in soon and when you're at a normal level we'll get you both out of here as soon as we can but I need you to be a little more patience, Alex." Dr. Conahan smiled courteously to the both of them knowing there was nothing he could do.
"What do you mean as soon as we can?" Alex glowered. "I can't be here overnight. I won't be."
"Alex?" Amyntor strongly voiced seeing Alex getting anxious and agitated. Then he turned to Dr. Conahan and thanked him for his help and tolerance. Dr. Conahan stepped out leaving the two alone and Amyntor glared at Alex for his behavior. "I know you don't want to be here but we're here." He sat relieved to be off his feet.
Alex gave no response and silence swept the room.
"I never heard of that before. Never sleeping? All your life?"
"Yea." Alex replied as if it was the perfect moment to just pass out.
"Hey, everything will be okay." Amyntor said looking comfortable in the guest chair.
"I know the real reason why they won't let me go." Alex exhaled with no try power.
"They can't make you stay against your will, Alex, but why would you not get the help you need? I don't get it."
"They can't help me. He knows that. He knows the most."
"Is there something that I'm missing?"
"The same reason you think its best that I'm here. You think I'm a danger to myself and to everyone around me."
"And are you?"
Alex looked over at him. He couldn't answer because he didn't know. Everything that happened which lead him there, the answer should have been "yes". But he couldn't admit to that and realizing his own thoughts he laid back against the pillow. He believed he was a danger, feeling himself in on his own silence, and so therefore he stayed put. He shook his head. "This is unbelievable."
"Would you feel better if you were to talk to Phai, let him know that you're okay?"
"No. Not really." Alex rolled on his side and they both waited.
The M.R.I was done and we awaited the results. It turned into a full day. Happy second day of the New Year. It got back and they had found one small tumor, a possible grade-1. According to the radiologist, it wasn't yet life threatening but it needed to be monitored. Dr. Conahan referred me to a specialist, one he knew personally and trusted as the best. And as much as I didn't want it to make sense, it did. They said it was benign but wanted it treated in two weeks or as soon as possible before it turned aggressive and malignant. My biggest worry wasn't that. It was how I was going to break the news to Phai. How he'll take it.
Amyntor was driving Alex back. Alex almost forgot as they drove passed palm trees with the windows rolled down that he no longer lived in the sunny state anymore and that he was an airplane ticket away from going back home with his pregnant mother. It was almost 7 in the morning, the day after New Years.
Suddenly Alex rolled back up the window and looked down at the business card of the cancer specialist. He couldn't even pronounce the name. He tried and couldn't and said fuck it.
Amyntor looked at him."You're going to freak yourself out if you keep looking at it." Amyntor took it from him, sharing his mood, and flung the card on the dashboard. Alex went back to looking out the window.
"Why didn't you tell me that you put my family down as your emergency contact?"
"Because I didn't think we'd get to this point in my life." Alex answered pessimistically.
"You thought you'd be dead already?"
"Yea. I was told I wouldn't make it to sixteen. I was even told it would be sooner. But it will happen, it's just a matter of when."
"Isn't that a concept for everyone? If you look at it that way, it's going to stress you out. Does Phai know?"
"He was the first one I told." Alex replied softly. "He's witnessed the most."
"Did you try drowning yourself?"
"No." Alex grew snippy. "I wasn't trying to drown myself. I'm not like that."
"What were you trying to do then?" Amyntor pushed. "Because I'm sure my son is traumatized for a second time."
Alex rolled his eyes. "You weren't even around when it happened the first time."
"Yea, but my wife never stopped talking about it. What's the obsession with that pond?"
"The first time wasn't intentional. This time I was trying to get rid of something. And the pond is...special."
"What's the reason for lighting the neighborhoods favorite shed on fire?"
"Are you trying to make me feel bad because I would like to not feel worse about myself." The blonde groaned.
"Alex." Amyntor gripped the wheel. "All I want to know is what the hell was going through your head. Phai is going to want the answer to that."
"Well you seem angry with me, which I get but I can't explain myself in a way that you will understand. I'll fix the stupid shed."
"That's an exact response your father would give."
"Exactly. Sweet and short."
"And also completely missing the point. It's not about the damn shed, Alex." Amyntor rubbed at his temples. He didn't want to fight back but in truth he wouldn't have understood. It was easy to sit there and listen but it would have sounded silly if Alex went ahead and began explaining that he was trying to drown another part of him. Either way anyone looked at it, it would have sounded mental.
Alex blinked tiredly, knowing what he was about to say was going to sound crazy. He wasn't even sure if Phai completely believed him and that was the hard part deciding whether he was actually crazy or if this was real. But Amyntor who was bound to take care of him probably deserved to know no matter how ridiculous it came off. "So there's this guy in my head and before you diagnose me with schizophrenia, it's not that. Well, I don't know anymore. It could be. My mom thinks it's that. But I also know what's real and I know what isn't. And I don't think it's that. He's real because others can see him. Not just me." Alex shifted, uncomfortable explaining away. "So this guy, this other me, he uh hates water. He's scared of it. I figured the only way to kill him was to drown him. Phai sees him too, he just doesn't say anything to me about it. He's just as afraid of him and I'm still surprised Phai doesn't hate being around me. I haven't told him all of it but he knows the worst of it. He thinks I'm getting better. Well, that's what I think he thinks. Honestly that's what I thought too. I thought I was getting better."
"I get it. I had demons too once. Ones I saw and ones others saw in me. But they're gone now. I get it, Alex. Maybe not completely but I do. What I don't get is why Phai doesn't tell me what's going on?" Amyntor asked out of nowhere.
Alex chuckled. He was surprisingly in better spirits than Amyntor. "You're his dad. He admires your strength and your ability to handle difficult situations. You are who he learns from. My dad was also my guide even though we didn't get along. But I wanted to be just like him. It's ironic because I spent most of my life telling him that I'd rather die than end up like him. It never hurt his feelings because he knew what he was and how he was going to remain being. He'd laugh with an even worse insult to me and then he'd move on. He challenged me just to see how I would handle it and then I fought back and he was proud. Phai doesn't tell you what's going on his life not because he doesn't respect you but because he wants to be just like you. He wants to be able to stand back, look at a very bad situation and say we can get through this. He trusts you because that's what you do in bad situations. I'm sorry that I made you responsible of me and I understand if you don't want to take that on. I just didn't know who else to trust."
"I'm not upset about that." Amyntor grinned shortly before falling back into his serious mood. "I now see why you are you. Why you've been distancing yourself all of these years from him and from your friends. I don't completely blame you. Why waste someone else's time? I get it now. It's why I came back to my family. I couldn't wait to comeback to them knowing if I stayed doing what I loved, I would have never seen them again. But we have the luxury of choice. Phai will love you regardless but I get why you run, to protect yourself from getting hurt. To protect him from feeling sad. But he's not going to move on and you are going to tell him. Don't keep this from him. If we go back and pretend everything is normal we're worse than the disease. They have to know. Not for sympathy, not to ruin their lives, but because it's the right thing to do for everyone who loves you. So that we can prepare."
"Will Phai leave me?"
Amyntor shook his head. "No. Absolutely not. Phai isn't like that."
"But what if he does?" Alex asked as if it was possible among other things.
"Oh...You're serious? You really think he'd leave you?" Amyntor was horrified he felt that way. Also sad that thought even came to him. "He's been by your side this long, Alex. He wouldn't leave you. He doesn't have it in him to run when shit gets tough. It will strike him and he'll have a lot to think about but that's it. He's not going anywhere. You know that more than anyone. Don't you?"
"I know, I just have this feeling that he won't stick around much longer."
Callista was sitting next to her brother, both at the end of his bed. They were quiet at first, as she was just giving him silent support. He appreciated the company. Alex was on his way back and they were waiting. In fact some of their friends never left and some left but came back. Even the new neighbors had come back to make sure everything was okay and to help out anywhere it was needed. And the other parents were also just moments away. As far as Olympias went, she hadn't slept and wasn't likely to.
"Why would he do something like that?" Phai asked. He was stuck somewhere mindfully, nervously tapping his foot.
"I didn't know he was going to take it literally."
"What?" Phai stopped and looked at her. Callista looked guilty of something though she shouldn't have been.
"I may have told him to go drown his problems. I didn't think he was going to try to drown himself." Now she felt really bad if that's what Alex took from their playful conversation.
Phai turned away and went back to being quiet and nervously tapping and biting his nails. They were both waiting to hear back from them, one being more optimistic than the other. "I just want to know what he was thinking. Why would he do something like that?" Phai said again.
Callista sighed while examining her brothers jittery movements. "Sometimes we wonder the same about you. But you never give us answers. You could be working on yourself a little more."
Phai stood and began to pace, a habit he picked up from Alex. Alex was a loose canon, Phai was more reserved so when nervous or angry he would sit or make sure his feet were planted putting himself in a position where he couldn't lash out. Not this time. He tried walking it off.
Callista took her brothers hand and pulled him back to sit. "Now you're making me nervous. They're on their way back which is a good thing." She said. And Phai, realizing he was taking advantage of the situation appreciated those words a lot more. Alex was on his way back which meant he was alive. Which meant he was fine and he was grateful.
He sat and let her take his hand so that he could stop freaking them both out. "Phai, you can't expect to know everything Alex is thinking when Alex doesn't even know what you're thinking. He might know the little stuff but not the important stuff. I can bet that you know more about him than he does of you."
"I know I just don't want him to have to worry about more."
"Are you kidding me? Alex can take on the world. I'm sure he would love to hear you talk about yourself more."
Callista released Phai and she quickly went to the window when she heard a car pulling up. "It's them." She said with excitement.
Phai stood looking the same as when Alex was taken away. He didn't know what to do.
The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
Ptolemy and Alexander were looking ahead at the other side of the desert. It took them four days to see the future but now they knew where they were headed.
"We're one step closer to home." Ptolemy said with a gratified smile upon split lips.
"Some part of me believes I knew all along." Alexander responded with eyes ignited by the sight that they had come to believe was endless. "If that's true and the men think the same, if this isn't a reason good enough to have me dead then I don't know what is."
"Naturally the men are angry." Ptolemy said, seeing the ocean outlining the desert. "They lost wives and children and friends. They don't know what home is anymore because we have so many. But one thing I know is that they love you and hate how far you strayed not only from your fathers goal, but from your own. There are more sinister people out there and they are never who they seem to be when your face to face with them. I can assure you, my king, you're not that person. If your men wanted you dead, you'd be dead. The only one who wants you dead is yourself. You can't even manage that."
"I've let my thoughts and dreams ruin me. I can't remember when I became so hateful and angry and lost?"
The curled haired general sighed and then smirked simply for a moment. "Some say you've inherited it from your parents. Others say you've made pacts with devils. I say, you're just a man. Philip was beloved but he too had his rage and unlike your mother, he carried it better. But you have done many good things for us Alexander. Look ahead, refrain from looking down. The ground doesn't show you the way but the skyline does. That's where we need to be."
Golden eyes swarmed the land. "I can smell the water. I can smell the air. We've been suffocating so long by thoughts of death and I couldn't have found the end to this place alone, Ptolemy. If I could have, I would have remained resistant, my lips would have remained sealed. I would have remained dead."
Ptolemy understood completely. Alexander looked up in the sky as the sun shined down on them. And the eagle had sung. It made him smile. "There she is. There's my eagle. Looking over us as she always does. I remember her. I only wish I remembered more. My dreams hold the memories but they are memories I can't hold as truth. But they feel real. Like how we've gotten here, I can't remember. I tried dying the other night and he wouldn't let me. That I remember clear as day."
"Hephaistion?" Asked Ptolemy surprised Alexander had made mention of him. Ptolemy wasn't aware.
"He wouldn't let me die after everything I've put him through, how I've treated him. I'm not certain he will ever forgive me even after I appear to him as he remembers and as I remember him."
"He saved you. That tells me he still has hope left. And because he didn't leave you to die, we're going home." The curled haired general smiled. "You should be proud."
"How can I be when so much has been lost?"
"The gods kept you around for a reason. Perhaps that answer will come to you later. In the meantime you should hurry to better memories."
"They left me in the dark. They took the moon, the stars and left me to fend for myself. The only thing that calmed me was the freedom rain. I can no longer trust the gods who have punished me with unnatural sleep and perpetual nightmares. I should have been at peace yet it didn't come." Anger grew in his troubling face. There was also a sadness that was restricted from becoming more. He had to be strong still but for whom?
"Your father would call that pessimistic thinking. You're being a Cassander. You will be mocked if you think that way going back."
Alexander smiled widely. "I'm glad we can have such a friendly conversation between companions but I am nothing like Cassander. He's manipulative, a creeping and sinister soul, something I saw in my mother."
"Yes, however, you both tremble at the sight of Hephaistion as little boys do that have crushes. You both have ambitions greater than you can count and you both believe that evil makes you."
"He's jealous of me."
"Are you not jealous of him?"
The king scoffed. "What does he have that I want?"
"His freedom, Alexander. His feeling of lack of importance. His place in your world. Don't tell me you haven't thought once about switching places with your men. You thought you'd be free when you became king. You thought you could make the world a better place. You thought you'd have control over the political atrocities. You'd rather be one of the men in the back than the king leading the front because at least you can look to something, look to a future. Who you are now, you can't look to much because you already have it all. All you can do is watch the world rule itself. So yes, you are a little bit envious of Cassander. Of us all. I'm also happy that you're smiling. It's hopeful." Ptolemy then turned away looking back at the bland wasteland behind them.
Alexander kept his stare on the waves of the ocean fly among softer and kinder sand. His ear twitched at the peaceful sound of the shore being drenched by water he couldn't wait to touch. Then his eyes closed. He could cry basked in the joy he hadn't felt for so long as he imagined a brunette beauty at the shore, with eyes bluer than the sea that wet his feet and a smile more peaceful than the sparkle of the glistening sun. Alexander reopened emotional eyes after seeing where he wanted to be. But he said nothing as he stared directly at the spot he pictured the man he no longer knew. "What does Hephaistion think of me now?"
"He's upset. He doesn't know whether to trust you again but he still loves you. He always will." Ptolemy answered honestly.
"Why would he still hold on hope for a man who has crossed each land, each boundary, stripping away another illusion. Why would he love a man who senses that death will be the last? A king who pushes and pushes harder to reach more homes than he can even live among? Wouldn't that make him more mad than myself?"
"Perhaps that's a question for Hephaistion?" The curled haired general grinned. "You still believe you are a danger to him?" Ptolemy asked, not seeing what he saw but knowing what he thought. Alexander wasn't afraid of anything but the thought of Hephaistion hating him or upset with him. Any reason sent him to cower.
"Aren't I?" Alexander had answered with detest for himself.
"Do you love him?"
"No kiss or gentle words will bring him back to me. It wouldn't matter if I love him."
"Your father and Aristotle believed the same thing. You believed it yourself up until a point but you can't fall in love with him and you can't fix what's happened until you love and fix yourself. Remember that first flight, the one you took before it brought you to Babylon, not the one that took you here. Never the one that took us here."
"You're a better man than I am, Ptolemy. You speak with wise words but I can no longer look back that far. My sight is gone."
"Sleep on it."
"What?" Alexander blinked in confusion.
"Sleep on it." Ptolemy said seriously.
The king shook his head, disapproving hardly. "Sleep is what got me here. Did you forget that?"
"That wasn't sleep." Answered Ptolemy. "That was torture for your sins. Sleep on it and we'll see if you still feel the same way when the sun rises in the morning."
"We'll see." Alexander turned his back to the beholding ocean, climbed back onto his horse and headed back to the small camp to rest before going back for the others with the good news.
Amyntor turned off the car and looked at Alex. "You ready?"
"Yea but she doesn't deserve to know."
"She has to know, Alex."
"I understand."
"I have your back."
"I know."
Amyntor reached over and took the business card on the dashboard and put it into his wallet. Then he got out of the car with his gas station coffee and they both headed inside. Alex was dragging and Amyntor put on a front that he wasn't as exhausted as he was. He was in a normal Amyntor inconvenienced mood. Everyone had been waiting for them and they looked up in concern when they saw them come into the living space. Alex just smiled shortly at them. He was already nervous pulling in, seeing all the cars in the cul-de-sac. Afraid and embarrassed. So as usual, he had to carry the world upon his shoulders. Playing it cool. Just like the king he despised.
"Hello." He said feebly.
"Are you alright." Olympias quickly stood, almost knocking over her tea cup, looking more worn down than when her husband died. She didn't hurry to him as she normally would. Everyone sensed Alex wasn't ready to be bombarded. In fact Alex looked completely unprepared to explain or respond.
"Yea. Yea, I'm good. Just had a small seizure, but I'm fine."
That's when Amyntor suggested Alex go upstairs so that he could finish the job. Everyone present in the living room already knew they were about to receive bad news based on the fact that Amyntor didn't look like he wanted to give the news and Alex wasn't at all believable with his forged words. But Amyntor gave the bad news because he had to. Someone had to.
Alex went upstairs. He came into Phai's room and Phai and Callista were still there waiting for him. He looked okay for the most part but they could be happier.
"Hey." Alex said timidly.
"Hey. Are you alright?" Phai asked as if he never had to ask that before.
Alex nodded, instrumenting eyes averting elsewhere. "Yea." Then he found himself in a lie again. "Actually, no."
Callista gave Alex a quick hug before leaving knowing whatever it was they needed to talk about was going to be serious and none of her business. She'd find out about it later.
Phai looked unprepared to receive any more bad news. "Wha, what happened?" he muttered, running his left hand up and down his right arm nervously.
"I first want to say that I wasn't trying to drown myself. I know what it looked like and it wasn't my intention at all to cause any of this. I was just trying to get rid of him. I needed to try but it was stupid and I should have never went out there. He was trying to burn down the shed and I couldn't let that happen but I somehow ended up making it worse."
"I don't care about the shed. I care that you're okay. So are you okay?" Phai said sensing there was more.
"I just thought that I could have some lasting peace for once by killing him." Alex wasn't trying to justify his behavior but at least he was being honest for once with himself. "I've considered getting help for it. Your father made me realize that it doesn't matter if what I see is real or not but whatever it is I need to learn to manage it especially if it never goes away. So," he sighed "I'll take the pills, I'll talk to someone, I'll do whatever I need to do. I don't want to hurt you or anyone else."
Peace does exist. It can exist. This story was never about winning Phai over. It was never about waking up. It was about finding him, It was about finding peace. I should have known that meant leaving everything I never wanted behind and taking off with the most important person in my life. But I can't help but live in the past.
"I'll support you in anyway I can but I think there's more you're trying to say. I'll ask again because I have to know. Are you okay?" Phai asked already growing tears.
The question hit hard but not harder than the fear in Phai's face. "Not yet." Alex answered truthfully.
"I didn't know you had seizures." Phai sniffed and wiped away the tears before they ran. "What's causing them?"
"I never had one before. They spotted a very small tumor. They said it looks benign but it could be cancerous. I have to schedule to get it removed."
Phai was still. He was still in thought and in motion. The fact that Alex said it nonchalantly didn't help. But deep down he also knew why he didn't hype it up as being torturous. He didn't want him to worry any more than he had to.
"Phai?" Alex had to remind him that he was there and he was still alive and he was still okay. "Everything will be okay. I'm stubborn so I plan on not dying anytime soon. I mean, I've lived this long, right? We have more time."
"You don't really believe that. You're just trying to cheer me up."
Alex smiled. "That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I wasn't planning on telling you at all. I don't want you to be sad."
"And I don't want you to go."
"I wish I could time our lives Phai, but I can't. It's not even the cause of everything, it's just another result so even if I get the surgery and they remove it, it won't matter because there is plenty more indescribable things wrong. I just need to be monitored closely for the next two weeks and that's all they can do for now. It might not be that bad. It's probably just a minor inconvenience." Alex said and came and sat, pulling Phai in to also take a seat next to him. "I know you hate this part but I can't be strong if you're not."
Phai looked at him and tried to smile. "I think I'm doing better than I am in my head. I understand now why you drink."
"I haven't had a drink in a long time, Phai."
"I admire that. But I still see why you did in the first place. This is making me want to drink and I know if I do I'd throw up until my body dissolves." Phai scoffed.
"Please don't. There's many reasons why I love you and you not drinking is one of them. You're better than us." Alex said and they got quiet just thinking about the future. If there was one.
"Alex, can I tell you something?" Phai shifted closer to him.
"Anything." Alex said warmly.
"I haven't been truthful about some things that's happened to me. You were right to ask me questions and I was wrong to have dismissed you."
Alex quickly turned to him causing Phai to look at him. "Phai you don't have to say anything in response to anyone. It wasn't my place. I understand why you didn't want me to know. Just as you know me, I know you."
"That's the thing, I still want to say it. It was your place and I do want you to know. I didn't know the best way to tell you. If you're the one I chose to share things with I should have included everything. I do want you to trust me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to remember and I didn't want you to think I was weak or dirty. It happened almost everyday before I met you, before I moved schools. It was my gym teacher and some of the other teachers he was cool with and some of the older boys. But it was little things like cornering me in the bathroom, touching me, stroking my hair, kissing me in weird places, making me do things I didn't say no to because I wasn't sure what was happening. I just wanted to be a good listener, a good student, so I did what I was told to do. And other days my coach put me on a timeout for nothing other than the fact he wanted me to stay behind and punish me. I didn't hate it and I didn't like it. I was kinda just there, just doing what I was told. I had no fighting power, I had no question in my mind that what I was letting them do to me was wrong. Some days I was scared and other days I was brave but none of those traits compared to my curiosity. But the thing I most remember is how the adults weren't really careful and didn't try to be. Everything was in plain sight but no one caught on because I think everyone was in on it. I think that's why I thought it wasn't a bad thing because it was played out as normal. It's like they had fun and it made it more exhilarating knowing what they knew and what they were doing. But they had to know there had to be consequences for their actions, they just didn't act like it. My mom and dad only knows about the one teacher. I was curious so I just never fought back so sometimes I wonder why I fight back now. A little bit before I met you is when I grew so angry about it because I saw how angry it made my parents. That's when it clicked in my head that what had happened was wrong. Then I saw it happening to other people and that really scared me. I wished I could have been this angry before it happened a second time. I think I wouldn't be this goddamn triggered by every man who smiles at me. Then I think about how much easier it is not to do anything and to just let it happen. I shrugged it off because I put in no effort. It was all them. They just worked me like a rag doll and I obeyed. I've never been good at fighting back though there has always been something inside of me that has wanted to but I keep that hidden because when it wants to come out, I am not the same person and I don't ever want you to see that side, just as you don't want me to see that part in you. Though I think if they met, they would understand each other quite well. You're a champion, Alex. My problems will never amount to yours and that's why I don't talk about it. It's why I don't talk about me. I have nothing to complain about."
"I know exactly what you don't want me to do and I won't do it. I understand. I won't panic. I won't ask for details. I won't ever pretend that I know what you're going through or feeling. I'm probably the most unqualified to help with that."
"I'd say that you're the most qualified. You know how to make me feel better and I'm probably not doing the best job at making you feel better."
"I've already forgotten about me."
Phai gave Alex consent with his eyes but Alex knew he was in an emotional position. Alex knew if he didn't touch Phai, Phai would think Alex thought he was dirty or damaged and didn't deserve love because he had already been used and abused before. But Alex would never allow him to feel like that and instead of touching him in a way that Phai wasn't ready for, though he was always ready for Alex, especially now, he just kissed him slowly and intimately reassuring him of a future ahead. He pulled back at looked at him. "You're not dirty, Phai. You're not broken and you're not weak and you're not any of the bad things you think you are. Okay?"
Phai nodded. "Okay."
The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
The sun was piercing through the clouds and over mountain tops. Alexander walked towards the ledge overlooking the shore and scenery once again. He had done what Ptolemy asked and slept on it. He was feeling refreshed and mindful. He took in a deep breath and slowly released as if he was setting free his entire being. All of him. He had done what Ptolemy asked him to do. To try and remember him. And he did somewhat. Only small moments like when he and Hephaistion as young teens used to admire what the earth gave them and together they'd have conversations about where it came from and who should rule it. Hephaistion used to joke that it would take a man with a really big head to take on the mysteries of the world, with dreams larger than life itself. That it would take a man who had nothing else in his life, a man who was alone in all things, to rule such a place. They also spoke about much more, about better and worse things as they grew older but they were vague. But he imagined they began to talk less and less around the time Alexander became distracted by more than just ruling. But as usual, always and forever, Hephaistion was his reminder.
You are a warrior, Alexander. The mightiest.
The king reached towards the sky.
And a king. The proudest.
He allowed the light to caress his bruised hand. The sun was warm as it should have been but he grew chills as he looked back on the first flight...
But never forget...
...that made him who he was.
...you're human, Alexander. Always and forever. There will never be a way around that so be the man first.
The king took in the words of his lovers stirring voice before sprinting off in the direction of the ocean where he had last seen him, knowing who he forever belonged to.
On his way... a young blonde boy and a black horse ride next to him and the joyful boy tells him to keep up.
Alexander speeds up and his younger self is behind him.
He sees a figure ahead... his one eyed father with a large proud grin on his face cheering him on. "Hurry up son! The gods are bitter up there!"
His father vanishes along with the dusty winds as he runs by him until he sees her.
"Morning, my little Achilles. You have my blessing. Go to him." His mother is wrapped in a silk robe, it being a bold sage color. She's glancing towards her boy with deep eyes of approval.
Alexander begins to remember a life before responsibility, a life before the throne. He remembers the freest he's ever felt, taking off on Bucephalus, going far with no mind to return. Both parents scared and happy for him. He rides through the meadows with the sun guiding the way. Suddenly he stops and the light fades and the electric clouds roll in. Everything turns grey. His joyful cheers simmer. He remembers one person, one worth turning back for. If he were to choose between the life ahead or the one destined, he'd choose the one destined because what would be a life without him so the prince turns back.
The king saw Hephaistion. The general was standing at the edge of the water as small waves wrapped around his ankles and subtle breeze blew strands of tickling hair across his face. His back was facing the sprinting man. Alexander could feel it. He was almost home. At a distance where he could almost touch him, he calls out, "Hephaistion!" and his angel turns to face him as does the sun but he's not blinded by their light. He's reached his destination and he's determined not to lose him again. Hephaistion reaches out to him and Alexander takes his hand and goes to hug him to tell him how sorry he was and how he'll never leave him again. But before his arms wrap his lover in full he's no longer there. Hephaistion had vanished with everyone else Alexander had lost.
Everything is quiet except his breathing and the heart beats that remain in tune with it. It crashed at his ribs and his throat and it hurt. It hurt like hell. He looked around but no one was there. He found himself standing alone. The water ran through his feet and it was cold. Cold like him, inside and outside.
-Stranger