Fate/Identity Reborn Chapter 16: Interlude: Human Emotion
Caren was finally done with her father's annoying requests and she could go back to the hotel to have a good time. 'Spend time with Sakura.' 'Bring these books to Sakura.' 'Don't make people miserable.' Father really did like to bark orders at Caren and make her traipse about doing his dirty work, didn't he? Lecture after lecture about following the rules and then he goes and breaks the rules himself without a hint of awareness of his hypocrisy.
At least he had a reason for his change of heart. Rin and Sakura were in dire straits after they messed up and they were at risk of getting killed if they didn't get a helping hand. Caren supposed that was worthy of father's urgent tone.
Not that Caren actually cared about Rin or Sakura. She just understood her father's reasoning. What happened to her adoptive sisters was none of her concern, because she only cared about herself. She'd certainly never ceed to her father's demands so easily due to her actually wanting to help Rin and Sakura. That was as absurd as King Arthur actually being a woman or if father decided to indulge in his desires. Simply impossible.
Caren walked the elegantly ornamented and frustratingly maze-like halls of the Hyatt where she was staying for the duration of the Holy Grail War. The young girl was heading to meet with the friend she had recently made who happened to be staying in the same hotel. Caren had told her father that it was a girl named Reiko, but that was a lie. She didn't want to tell her father what her friend's true name was because he would likely disapprove.
Why? Because Caren was 99% sure her friend not only had a name father would recognize, but she was also almost definitely involved in the Holy Grail War.
Caren reached her destination, the door to another of the hotel rooms in the Hyatt, a rather expensive and solitary room. A few knocks was all that was necessary before the door was opened in response. In the doorway stood a blonde girl around Caren's age wearing fashionable attire and a smug expression that Caren could only dream of making.
"Hello, Reines."
"Hi, Caren. Ready to bully my brother?"
"Absolutely."
Reines led Caren into the lavish hotel room that reeked of magecraft. Caren lacked the capability to detect magical energy due to not inheriting her father's Magic Circuits, but she had been raised around Bounded Fields and workshops so she was familiar with the special tingle that accompanied entering a magi's domain. Reines and/or her brother were magi and that meant they were here in Fuyuki for one reason only. If father found out then he'd do everything he could to keep Caren away from Reines and so Caren decided to lie about who she was spending time with.
Caren and Reines halted before a door that led to the room of a certain man. The man, the target, was Reines' older brother who they would assault with their superlative depredations.
Gently, quietly, Reines opened the door. Inside was a man with long black hair who was sitting at a computer creating clicks and clacks with the controller in his hands. His ears were protected from outside noise by headphones so he was vulnerable to a surprise attack.
Tip-toeing forward, Caren and Reines moved in closer to their prey, stalking him. Closer, closer, closer still. Just a little closer. A little more.
Reines' brother was playing a real-time strategy RPG, vying for victory against a computer opponent. He needed absolute focus and no interruptions in order to keep up with the constant changes on the digital battlefield. A single misstep would be an absolute and immediate defeat so a surprise from outside the digital world would ruin the man's entire game. What a shame that would be…
"What are you doing?" Both Caren and Reines said as they shoved their faces between the long-haired man and the computer monitor.
A mess of sounds came from the man's mouth as he fell backward in surprise. He and his chair hit the ground while his headphones flew off his head and dangled off the desk's edge by a cord. Reines' brother winced and peeled open an eye to check the status of the game he was playing only to find that he had died.
"Dammit, Reines!" The man floundered to his feet. "Can't you let me relax for one day! We have so much we have to do later!"
"It was just a little joke, brother." Reines didn't bother trying to hide her cruel enjoyment of her sibling's anguish, nor did Caren.
"Should you really be playing games at your age anyway? You're in your forties, right? You really should get some more mature hobbies."
"I'm only 29!"
"Apologies. You just have so many lines on your face that I assumed you were older. How unfortunate for you."
"It was enough dealing with Reines, but now you've multiplied."
"You sounded a little happy when you said that, brother. Is that your thing? You don't only have a sister thing, but you need more than one? How lascivious. You would give Fergus mac Róich a run for his money."
"I'm not into either of you, your children and I'm related to one of you! I'm not even into women."
"Oh, right! You're into guys, big ones, ones with beards and muscles and stuff. How is your boyfriend?"
"He's into big guys? Is he a bottom?"
"Definitely."
"Well, it's not as if he could ever be a top."
"Can we not have this conversation!" Reines' brother went over to a drawer and pulled out some clothes.
"You're going to change clothes right in front of us and you still claim you aren't a pervert?"
"I'm gonna change in the bathroom!" The eternal bottom went into the bathroom and slammed the door closed.
Ah, the pleasures of making a person miserable. So potent yet so fleeting. Meeting Reines was the best thing that had ever happened to Caren.
"By the way, your brother said that you two have something to do tonight."
"Right, I forgot to tell you. He and I have places to be, so we'll have to keep this insult session short tonight."
"What are you two doing?"
"Can't say, personal stuff, you know how it is."
"I understand." She and her brother were definitely participating in the Holy Grail War. Both wore gloves so there was no way to see which had Command Spells and neither seemed like a Servant so determining their particular roles was difficult. Caren could potentially tell Sakura about Reines and her brother and where they were staying so they'd have an advantage, but then that risked Reines getting killed. But if Caren did nothing, Reines could kill Sakura.
Wait, why did Caren care if Sakura died? Caren didn't care about Sakura, or Rin, or anybody. The only reason Caren didn't want Reines to get hurt was because she could be herself around her. Reines was the first person who she could relate to and who accepted her for who she was without criticizing her. It felt nice to have a friend, not that Caren really cared about her or anything and she definitely wouldn't feel that bad if she died. Caren only cared about herself no matter what.
Why did Caren's chest hurt when she thought about Rin and Sakura dying in that case? A discomfort reminiscent of a tightness in the stomach area paired with a sinking feeling assailed Caren whenever she thought about what could happen to her adoptive sisters. Thinking about something bad happening to Reines also made Caren's body feel heavy and created a compulsion inside her to do something. Do what though? And why did she care?
This was annoying. These feelings were nothing but a pain in the ass and Caren wanted to exterminate them at their source. The best way to do that would have been to cease all contact with Reines, as well as Rin and Sakura. It would have also been wise to break contact with father and just leave Fuyuki all together. She could become a nomad who spread misery wherever she went like some sort of reverse-messiah.
But the idea of never seeing her family or Reines again also made her feel bad! This was the worst!
"Would you like some tea, Caren?" Reines asked.
"Yes." Caren said while hiding her inner turmoil.
"Alright, my maid's already on it."
"Is she listening from another room?"
"Yes. She's shy but diligent. I'll go pick the tea up from her when it's done."
"She won't even enter the room to give us our tea? She should put her hangups aside and do her job properly."
"She does her job more than properly, she just prefers not to appear before guests." Reines sat down in a cushy black chair and Caren followed suit. It was likely that this maid of Reines' was actually a familiar of some kind if they were this adamant about keeping her out of sight. "You know what it's like to want to avoid attention, right?"
"I can't deny that. Being the center of attention is like being at the center of a bonfire. People are watching you and the whole experience is painful."
"If we're talking about analogies involving attention and fire, I'd assume a witch burning allegory would have come to your mind first."
"The witch hunts burned the innocent, but I'm not an innocent individual. It's accurate and undeniable when I'm called cruel and heartless and whatever other synonyms apply."
"You exaggerate too much."
"What do you mean?"
"You keep talking yourself up as this cruel monster, but you really aren't that bad. In a world full of serial killers, genocidal despots, and selfish manipulators, you're practically a kitten."
"You've set the bar so low it's on the floor. Those kinds of evil individuals are a rarity and shouldn't be the standard to exceed."
"You say that, but my personal experiences would say otherwise when it comes to the frequency of human evil." Reines couldn't veil the anguish of her past with her smile. She was most certainly a magus and many magi had hard lives, often due to the efforts of other magi. The world of mystics was a dog eat dog-or perhaps a dragon eat dog world. Caren lacked even an inkling of genuine understanding of the woe that Reines had experienced growing up, but Caren could intuit that it was disturbingly great. "The fact that I associate with you shows your purity. You're an earnestly good individual at heart, even if you try to hide it to convince yourself of…something, I dunno."
"I didn't ask you to play therapist."
"I know, I wanted to." Reines stood up. "The tea should be about ready. I'll be back."
Reines left so Caren was alone with her thoughts and she was stuck with more inner conflict than before. Was she a good person? How could a person who loves human suffering ever be good? Caren was intrinsically broken as a person so how could she be good? Could a broken person be good? Was she broken? Can a person be broken and were all people a little broken in their own ways?
Reines returned with the tea and it was quite good, though Caren was more of a coffee person. Caren and Reines continued to pass time conversing about this or that, all while Caren continued to feel uneasy about everything relating to herself, her family, and their future. Eventually, Caren decided she needed some direction.
"Reines, I have a question."
"Ask away."
"You enjoy people being in pain."
"That's correct."
"But, you also feel pleasure from more traditionally accepted means, ones that don't repulse human common sense."
"Correct again."
"Suppose you couldn't feel happiness from anything beyond other people's suffering, like me, what would you do?"
"Hm." Reines' repose didn't falter from Caren's question. "You want my advice, essentially."
"I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yes. I want your advice." Caren was feeling strange about her nature. It wasn't a question of her morality as she accepted that she was an amoral and inhuman individual. Her problem was how to cope with her existence in society while being who she was. She felt helpless to the point of impotence when it came to dealing with her unique condition. That was her problem, well, it was one among many of her problems, but one thing at a time.
Reines pinched her chin. "If I were in your situation, I would probably be acting the same way I do now. I don't hide my enjoyment of people's pain right now, I mean, I restrain myself a bit when in serious situations to be cautious of people's reactions, but everybody holds certain things back in certain situations. I'm also not cruel to random people on the street or anything since you never know who you might be pissing off."
"And how do people react to your behavior? Do they accept you despite the way you treat them?"
"It's a bit complicated since it's actually pretty rare for me to actively be cruel to others. I usually find my pleasure in the incidental pain people experience from day to day life so I don't have to actually do anything and can just be a spectator. I only really go out of my way to make people upset when it comes to certain people in my life that I'm close to, like my brother."
"That's like me and my father."
"That might not be a sufficient answer, considering you can't supplement the pleasure you get from people's pain with normal forms of pleasure. Your situation really is difficult, huh? My condolences."
"It's not a big deal." It actually was, but Caren didn't want to burden Reines with her issues. Wait, that would make Reines worried and upset which would make Caren happy. Wouldn't that mean that Caren should deliberately dump her problems on Reines? The only reason not to would be if Caren cared about Reines which was getting harder to deny by the second.
The conversation about Caren's misbegotten existence ended when Reines' brother entered the room, now dressed to go outside and possessing a serious demeanor.
"I'm sorry, Reines. We have to get going."
"Right. Sorry to cut things short, Caren."
"It's no problem. We'll talk tomorrow." Caren got up and made her way to the door to let herself out. "Have fun doing whatever you're doing."
"We will. Have a good night."
Caren left the apartment and was left with only her conflicted feelings which could not be cured. This lapse into greater human emotion was the worst thing to ever happen to Caren. Being cold was easy; being uncaring was an absolute breeze! Now she was acting like an actual human and it was so annoying and painful and-and-shitty!
Now that Caren thought of it, father was also displaying human emotions lately, sort of. Was this the result of the both of them being exposed to other people for long enough? Did father jump the gun in assuming he and Caren couldn't find happiness the normal way? Perhaps it was something specific to Caren herself due to her mother being a normal woman. The cause didn't matter much at this point, the result was the issue.
Mapo tofu. Caren needed to make a bunch of mapo tofu and feast as much as she could to bathe in pleasure that would't piss other people or herself off. She could stop thinking about her emotions, or her place in the universe; of her worries over her sisters' wellbeing or Reines' wellbeing. Caren would just drown her sorrows in spice.
She'd return to her struggles afterward, but that was a future problem for her future self.