Chapter 17: Relationships Are Hard Work

A low hum thrummed in Liara's veins, vibrating from the source touching her lips. She held on strong to this moment and out of desperation, her hands came upon to clutch Lucy's biceps - faced with a new threat to steal her attention when she had trouble discerning which one was the organic arm with how there was no give or squishiness in muscle. The soldier could probably break hands with a handshake, if she wanted to.

There was something oddly riveting in the observation, in the tenderness Liara was experiencing when there was evidence right in the palms of her hands that she could be easily broken. The professional killer was attempting - quite desperately herself, it seemed - to practice becoming a professional kisser instead. Lucy broke the kiss and watched her synthetic hand, ever so careful as she observed how to safely frame the archaeologist's jawline. She pulled immediately as soon as she settled in, their teeth always bumping on the first try.

"I need to research more," Lucy grumbled between kisses, "I'm not doing it right."

"I don't think I am either," Liara chuckled, a bizarre phenomenon of a realization that her chuckle was being swallowed in the soldier's mouth.

Another low hum came from Lucy, and the sound evoked something in Liara. It made her more desperate to express something she didn't quite feel like she was adequately expressing, a notion that seemed to be mutual - and every subtle sound they made together was like liquid fire in her blood. A small spike of irritation twinged her when Lucy broke the kiss again, but the way those half-lidded eyes stared so intensely at her had decimated that irritation with ease.

Lucy smiled, and there was something about that evoked that addictive searing feeling in the archaeologist - one she typically experienced alone in the dark, at the mercy of suggestive desires and thoughts. Warmth clamoured to her cheeks and she was suddenly very aware of the fierce blush consuming her face, frozen in place as the synthetic hand from her jaw skirted to cup her chin. The chill of metal was very much welcome, unfortunately warmed rapidly when her blush grew more potent when Lucy's lips ghosted along the jawline, her breaths pattering over Liara's aural. There was an undeniable sensation growing in the pits of the belly, a terrifying and evocative feeling altogether.

"This has to be a dream. Lucy would never be like this. She's not the type to be so... Racy."

But never had she thought that Lucy would be the type to actually research kissing and follow through with it.

Time seemed to stand still with those blissfully-cursed breaths searing over her aural, her body pent up with tension and impatience over this cruel waiting game. She was mentally chanting at herself to retain strength in her knees, holding her breath to ensure she wouldn't miss a single word and it's undertones. She sucked in the flesh of her cheek and bit hard when she felt the tip of Lucy's tongue hesitantly slide down the edge of her aural.

Finally, after what felt like a century had passed, the words came.

"I think we should go get some MREs for dinner."

With that, a pervasive chill enveloped all of Liara's body as Lucy suddenly left her to retrieve her sunglasses. There was no movement after that, then, and the archaeologist was left reeling, trying to come to terms with the usual abrupt change of pace all over again. She was just shivering with a fire in her bones seconds ago, and now she was shivering because that fire was extinguished just as quickly as it had erupted. She barely mustered enough sense to turn her head to see where the soldier was - and consequentially, try to deduce what in the universe was actually happening.

Her answer was still beholden in the way Lucy smiled at her.

Subtleties were shed, wicked intentions were comfortably revealed in the light. Lucy nonchalantly crossed her arms and leaned against her worktable. She may hide behind her sunglasses all she wanted to, but she couldn't hide what she was doing - clearly, if she had the opposite intention to.

"Oh, for the love of-"

Liara took in a deep breath. Walked to the bed. Grabbed a pillow. Contemplated screaming into it.

And proceeded to mercilessly beat the laughing soldier with it instead.

Her weapon was relinquished and she was disarmed as hands scooped her wrists, her mind derailed and distracted for her body to be manoeuvred with ease. Her back found the wall and lips found their way back home on hers. She wouldn't fall for it again when Lucy's attempted to utilize the same evil trick as she kissed her way to the aural.

"I really am hungry, Liara."

"Yes, that's great." The archaeologist was not in the mood and no longer would she enable such cruelty. She wouldn't let this opportunity be soiled, even if this was a dream. She framed Lucy's head with desperation. "Let's keep practising."

"After we grab some food, I promise you I will schedule an hour for us to do so. I'm sure we still have a couple hours before the Alliance arrives."

Oh, no. No no no no, no no.

No.

"This can't be scheduled, Shepard. Please? I don't want it to become a point on a to-do list."

Lucy's eyebrows pinched endearingly in confusion, and though she didn't seem to understand, she nodded regardless. "Alright. I'll leave it as an hour with... Unscheduled activities? And then we can decide what we would like to partake in?"

"Practising, of course."

That confusion grew exponentially. "But... But you just said..."

It was Liara's turn to be wicked, and she struggled not to smile as such. "I know what I said. To quote someone near and dear: I always make logical sense."

Lucy stared. Then the return of that heinous smile made it's debut.

"This is beginning to sound as though you'd like to play a dangerous game with me, Dr. T'Soni. I've researched plenty and stocked up on ammunition in advance for this moment to arise again. Would you like to play?"

That deep and throaty tone was provoking her, reigniting the fire inside of her again. She was seeing a whole new side of Lucy, a previously-thought blasphemous side, but the fact that revenge was a primary motivator had fit in quite snugly with her tendencies and things that met the requirements to qualify as a happy memory for her.

"On one hand, I'm curious, on the other, I'm terrified," Liara blurted her confession. "I think I'll have to decline this... Opportunity, for now. I have a lot to process already."

Lucy seemed to deflate upon that. Literally. Her body sagged and she released her hold on the archaeologist's wrists, surprisingly drawing into a hug of her own. "I wanted to play..."

"Goddess, is she sulking?"

That strong image of a baby pyjak with beady eyes resurfaced as a now permanent visual of the stout and fearless Commander.

"We will some time, I promise," Liara chuckled softly. She embraced the embrace and closed her eyes, biting her tongue to stop from blurting how it's still like hugging a boulder. "Perhaps that's due to her body composition, and not tension?"

She had felt Lucy relax on some occasions though. Perhaps she was also venturing into this unknown territory, trying to chart it through bravery and willpower alone. This was all still so bewildering though... For Shepard to be the one to seek out and initiate a hug? A kiss was beginning to make sense - to express feelings - but hugs had just as many 'functions' as kissing, arguably the most flexible in that it could be for both good and sad situations. She quietly cleared her throat, casting her own line out into uncharted waters as she prayed she wouldn't demolish this moment between them.

"If it's not too much to ask for, Shepard, could I have the context of this?"

"Of what?" Lucy didn't budge in her position. The most she did was rest her forehead on the archaeologist's shoulder.

"Well, you're hugging me, so..."

There was a sharp suck of breath. The silence that followed was deafening and terrifying, where Liara spent every second kicking herself as she waited for the soldier to withdraw and retreat in her shell. But she stayed - and bravely continued to sail.

"It's because I'm having an identity crisis," Lucy revealed.

The worrisome statement was devoid of all concern by the end of her dry 'punchline'.

"I want to be a blanket too."

Liara was stuck staring at the sterile wall, of the way the abused punching bag subtly swayed on it's chains. She tried to digest the information, to process all these startling revelations. All this, just because she caught the soldier off guard by revealing she discovered the meaning behind the minerals.

"How long has she been feeling this way too?" Liara couldn't help but wonder. "When was that moment that she decided to cast away her mantle as a lone wolf? How did I miss such a pivotal change?"

Lucy hugged a little firmer. "Only for you, though. I refuse to hug stampeding behemoths."

Liara laughed. "One day, you will. I believe in you. And the best part? You will like it."

"I sooner see myself kissing a batarian, Liara."

"Mm. Now that is a truly compelling argument to express how much you hate hugging." Liara bit her tongue before she revealed what she had already known of Mindoir.

"Right? I thought so too. So this means a lot, right? You can see how much it means?"

With a smile, Liara pulled back just enough to steal a final kiss.

"I can feel every part of how much this means," she whispered against Lucy's lips. "You're just fine in expressing yourself, Shepard." A little too fine, sometimes. "You don't need to worry with me. And I understand you value your space, so you just let me know whenever you want or need it, alright?"

There was something in the way the soldier grabbed her, squeezed her - it was as if she was a lifeline, a rope cast out to someone drowning at sea. Lucy pressed desperately against her lips, their teeth bumping briefly before they'd remember to angle their heads. Suddenly, the soldier stepped back, almost as if in panic. The sunglasses robbed what information could be deigned from her eyes.

"Let's get that food," Shepard chuckled nervously.

Nervously.

All thinking gears revved to full-throttle to analyze what this meant, and Liara suppressed questions immediately - knowing she wasn't going to get answers anyways. She tried not to come across as 'dissecting' as she inconspicuously studied the soldier's behaviour when Lucy took the lead without waiting for any protests or confirmations.

"Something's rattled her. She's doing her oil check, breathing in and out 4 seconds. Her mantras, thinking of happy memories. So what would she have thought of that would be so unpleasant as to unnerve her this much, this quickly?"

The Normandy had become a ghost ship with the majority of its crew working hard outside in the relief efforts. There were some soldiers returning from duty, heading straight to their communal quarters, with snippets of conversation largely revolving around mocking the batarians' swift surrender, or of hitting the sweet rock-hard bunk beds. Their trip to the kitchen area was otherwise spent in tense silence, and the incoherent screaming that consumed Liara before had settled down. The weight of realization was now clouding over her, seconds ticking by until it would crash down upon her as to what they had shared, and what this would now mean for their relationship.

They turned a corner, a dark corridor she hadn't recognized, her security unhinged a little as they traversed down it. Lucy abruptly turned around, the sunglasses off and being stuffed in a pocket. She approached quickly and took Liara's hand, tugging to hide behind some crates in the darkness. For the most part, all the archaeologist could see were rough outlines, and the illuminating green optic implants. She was taken aback by the rough pressure against her mouth, a new sense of desperation slamming her.

Adrenaline raced through her and that impending cloud was stalled once again, swept away by that feeling that this was all just a dream. But it was real. This was real, they were real and the way Lucy was kissing her now and making her feel was utterly terrifying.

"I can't express it," Lucy growled between kisses. She found a new target as she tried to kiss the side of Liara's throat, sending hot shivers down her spine. "There's something in me I don't know how to get out. This isn't enough. I need to get it out. But it feels... I don't know. I don't know how to express it, Liara. Help."

"A little impossible right now," Liara hissed between clenched teeth.

Her fingertips rubbed raw against the cold metal crate behind her, clutching onto something for dear life. Every muscle felt like it was on fire, and that she was going to burst if she were to have any more of this. When the soldier suffocated all space between them and pressed firmly against her body, she swore she was going to explode from all these overwhelming sensations. This had been largely every secret fantasy that dwelled in unmentionable thoughts, where the responsibility of being the one to initiate this was lifted off her shoulders - thank the Goddess - because she was really dreading if she would have to be the one with bold initiative.

Spontaneity? Forget it. She knew she wasn't capable of that, had thought she'd known Lucy wouldn't either, and here they were.

"This is a dream. This has to be a dream. There is no other explanation."

"Help me," Lucy whispered pitifully, pulling on the hips with a bruising grip. "I didn't research this. I don't know what to do next."

"Just keep kissing," Liara nearly pleaded.

"I need to do more, though. That's how I feel. Tell me what to do next. Or help me figure out what this feeling is."

"Is she talking about - no, I doubt it. There is absolutely no way. This is Lucy that we're talking about."

Goddess, was Liara actually having a sex dream right now?

"I need to wake up."

Or not.

"I have to wake up."

But maybe she didn't have to.

"I can meld with you to explore that feeling," Liara offered, hearing how pitiful she sounded too.

Truthfully, she wasn't totally committed to this idea. She didn't want this to stop, no matter how overwhelming, and just wanted this to go on for eternity. But then she could start to feel Lucy's frustrations, her confusion, her panic. The blissful sensations stopped as abruptly as they started when Lucy embraced her for dear life, feeling hot breaths puff against her neck when the soldier tucked in.

"Only that feeling, right?" Lucy asked, "And you'll know how to help me express it?"

This was definitely a sex dream. Or going to be one, in the next few minutes.

Stumped, Liara didn't know how to answer. She most definitely wasn't ready for that. Clearly, if Lucy was having this much trouble, then she wasn't ready either. But what if she was so desperate in her pursuit to get the emotion and desire out of her system, that she didn't quite stop to think of the ramifications and whether or not she was ready for that level of intimacy?

With a slow breath sucked in to steel herself, Liara tried to return to some kind of calm and rational thinking. She freed herself from the hug and blindly felt about until she could wind her arms around the soldier's head, bringing to hug it to her chest as she rested her chin on Lucy's hair.

"What I think you're feeling is... Not something I have to meld with you for, and if I do, it will only intensify that feeling for the both of us. I don't think either of us are ready for that."

"But I'm already feeling it, so I'm already ready."

A blush was working it's way to swallow Liara's cheeks with the pressure against her chest. She didn't quite think this through, imagined it was quite awkward for the soldier in the way she'd have to bend, and yet couldn't find it in her to let go. She needed to demobilize Lucy and stop her from pursuing any more brain-obliterating actions.

"I mean for what comes with that feeling, Shepard. You're already aware of... O-of intercourse, right?"

Goddess, please for the love of every higher being in the universe, please let this soldier know the very basics at least.

"Of course, that's how any species procreates."

"I'll take it. It's far better than explaining it." Liara still had an uphill battle though. She slowly inhaled and prayed for courage to navigate this tawdry topic. "Well, what you're feeling is probably the desire to partake in that with me. You're... Well. You're aroused."

"Oh." A beat. "Of course, that makes sense, how didn't I catch that?"

"You've suppressed the majority of your emotions, and still many of them are contained. You haven't had any normal experiences or healthy environments or opportunities to build relationships to learn how to express anything that doesn't involve violence. You-"

Hundreds of viable explanations shot through Liara's brain, all of which flew right out upon Lucy's next question.

"Are you aroused too? What do we do next? All I know is that intercourse requires one to be undressed."

Yes. Here came the flame. Liara swore she could hear her brain frying from the casual suggestion itself. This was far worse than the movies her friends tricked her into watching. As subtly and with as much dignity as she did not possess, she cleared her throat and decided to tackle this in the best manner Lucy would both utilize and understand: blunt and concise.

"We are not having... I-intercourse, Shepard. Not now, and definitely not here. I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable discussing or pursuing that right now. I need time to process everything that we've already done. Please?" She fumbled in the darkness as she released the soldier's head, feeling along until her hands slid along the contour of Shepard's jaw. "Maybe we should just focus on getting food right now. We can both reflect privately as we do. If we have time and if you're open to it, we can try to explore the topic and discuss our feelings as we eat."

Lucy hummed. Her optic implants shook up and down, perhaps in a nod.

"That is a sound plan, Dr. T'Soni, thank you. I appreciate it. Embarrassingly enough, I find it difficult to remain composed and level-headed just at the thought of..."

A squeeze on the hips. Her voice changed, became rougher, lower, and it sent a tingle to spiralling along to join among the many that had already been sent to the pits of Liara's belly.

"...Kissing you." Another squeeze. The air became hotter, the soldier came closer. "I didn't think I'd enjoy it at all. It seemed a meaningless and hopeless exercise - if it's function was to express feelings or thoughts, then what better way to do so by verbalizing it? At least, if one knew how to put this all into words. But I've learned that it's all so much more than just a function or an expression."

Liara smiled. And she tried really really hard to ignore the hands on her hips, tempting her to eat all her words and pull Lucy in for another kiss, to continue to get lost in all the sensations. It took all of her willpower to pluck the hands off her hips, squeezing gently as she settled for a chaste peck on the lips.

"It's a connection," she murmured. "One I'm very happy to hear and feel that you also desire to have with me, Shepard. So thank you for opening up to me." She squeezed hands again. "Shall we go? I'd very much like to continue conversing more about this in the privacy of your quarters."

Her answer came in the form of a draft enveloping her body, and she chuckled - true to Lucy's ways, abrupt and blunt, alright. She picked up speed to keep up with the soldier's brusque pace, studying this corridor and where it led to so that she could remember this place in the future. It might come in handy someday. For private conversations, of course, not to steal any scandalous kisses without any prying eyes.

"On that note, I'll have to remember to ask her what the boundaries are in public. I'm assuming that if I have to defer to her as Commander, then the nature of our relationship will undoubtedly be private."

Was it breaking any rules and regulations, though? She was aware most military units frown upon fraternization, but Lucy had stated she wasn't a subordinate - but she was still part of the crew. Everything aboard this ship was a grey area. How to greet others, how to even take a shower, how to conduct oneself or what duties there were in store for her.

She was so lost in her thoughts that before she knew it, they had already grabbed some rations and were on their way back to Lucy's private quarters. A new wave of anxiety recoiled viciously in Liara's stomach when the weight of it all finally came crashing down.

They kissed. Lucy kissed her. Several times, on top of that, enough to disparage any notion that it could have just been a fluke, or some experiment to see what kinds of functions the gesture served. And on top of that, it became incredibly clear that the soldier could become very intense when... Aroused. Lucy, of all people, was able to come to that conclusion and accept it. Another suppressed feeling freed from confinement - a feeling Liara generally suppressed out of embarrassment. She couldn't bring herself to answer one of the questions earlier and admit that she too was aroused.

A hand was stretched out to her and broke her free from her reverie, where Lucy wore that subtle smile that was familiar and comforting and steady. Goddess, more than anything, that was what the archaeologist wanted desperately right now: a sense of stability and footing on a ground that kept breaking apart from these revelations.

"Here, give me your container," Lucy bounced her hand.

Liara handed her ration over, somewhat confused as to why, but shrugged and nodded appreciatively. The nature and function behind that gesture made itself clear when they were back in Lucy's quarters, and the archaeologist's back was back against the wall. Her ribs kicked painfully against her chest as her breath was robbed of her, suffocated by the greedy lips crashing against hers. The rations were casually abandoned on the ground, to which Lucy kicked to slide them further away.

"Did I interpret your request correctly?" Lucy husked as she dove under to find the pulse thundering away under Liara's jaw. "This is what you meant by wanting to converse more in privately here, right?"

"Not at all what I had in mind, but I don't mind this either," Liara hissed as the soldier gently suckled on her skin.

The greater good tried to push back in this pitched battle and scold her for not doing the right thing, but she had been wanting this kind of passion from the soldier for a long time now. It felt like centuries, anyways.

Unfortunately, Lucy seemed to be serious and sincere in respecting the truthfulness of the request and pulled back. Why did she have to be honourable now, of all times? Were they not allowed to have their moments of selfishness and greed? Liara was going to burst in her skin here if she were to take any more of this, and that rashness fuelled her actions as she cupped the soldier's face.

Hard.

"Please, for the love of the Goddess Shepard, please stop working me up and then stopping like that. That is just downright torture."

Lucy blinked in surprise, then chuckled, her words distorted from her squished cheeks. "I apologize, I wasn't meaning to. I'm just... I really want to too, but I also want to talk with you about it. I want to understand what I'm doing and how that makes both of us feel." She fortunately - or very unfortunately - gave space as she went to collect their containers and settled down at the leisurely table. "This is new territory to me, and I really don't want to mess anything up between us. I truly do enjoy your companionship, Dr. T'Soni, and cherish this bond we're... Growing, for lack of a better word. I want to research more things about this, but I can't research your feelings."

As soon as the soldier went to sit down, Liara swiftly closed the distance and took the opposite chair, her blood burning with eagerness to get it all out of her system.

"I've noticed for a while now that I was growing feelings for you too, but I didn't know how to approach you about them. It's a relief just to be able to talk openly about them with you now." She accepted her ration when Shepard popped it open for her. It made her cheeks ache immediately when she felt a foot brush alongside hers, under the table. "So long as we both endeavour to be honest and communicate with each other, I don't think either of us will 'mess anything up' between us."

"Good, I like that plan. So after we finish eating, I can continue to kiss you?"

Liara's face flushed a little at that casual honesty. She couldn't find her voice and nodded timidly, steeling herself for the wretched taste as she took a bite of what was apparently passed as 'food' in human standards. Then she choked - but not because of food.

"So in regards to pursuing intercourse in the future, was the location before just a poor choice for you? Do you also prefer to engage in the act in the privacy of these quarters?"

Here came the flame all over again. Liara kept coughing even after her throat was cleared, her back skittering upon the soothing touch of circles being drawn between her shoulder blades. She no longer possessed her voice, no longer even possessed rational thought to string coherent sentences together. She just stared at Lucy, wide-eyed, and the soldier cocked her head in earnest confusion. She certainly was oblivious to the effects of how blunt and concise she could be.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Goddess... This relationship is going to be a lot of work. And here I thought kissing was going to be the toughest part of it."

Liara reigned in as much composure as she could, twisting to grab the hand that rubbed circles on her back. She mustered a smile. "Shepard, I'm beginning to understand just how much you like to plan things in advance, but... But with something like this, between us, I just don't know if they can be - or rather, perhaps, if they should be. At least, I would rather... Not plan them."

"Oh. Yes, I understand. One more question: so I shouldn't schedule intercourse on my agenda either, then?"

"Somebody save me." Slack-jawed, Liara was temporarily disarmed of an answer, thinking furiously to try to deduce if this was mischief or sincerity. Unfortunately, it was the latter. "No, of course not! Everybody would see!"

"Yes, exactly. They will know not to disturb us."

"Th-that's not the point," Liara groaned, dumping her head in her hands in defeat.

This relationship was going to be the work of a lifetime.

"If only this part was just a dream."

Relationships were a lot of work. She wasn't averse to hard work, but this was very confusing work. Shepard still held on strong that she was a pragmatist at heart, but there were some things that apparently weren't pragmatic, according to Liara. Their discussion was very informative, and very taxing, as evident by the way the asari fell on the bed in exhaustion and now occasionally snored. Shepard still needed more information though, and had wanted to learn how to perform better. Bumping teeth like it was war didn't feel right, even for her.

She took to her worktable and began to research away: how to kiss better, how to kiss more efficiently, how to select locations for kissing more appropriately. This newfound ritual had easily become an addiction, something she would have to be very careful not to fall to the cult-like mentality and obsession of it.

"It certainly serves a very pleasant function."

Shepard smiled to herself as she idly touched her lips. Her gaze travelled back to the sleeping archaeologist, and she was better aware of that warm feeling in her chest. The warmth she experienced before in her nether region was entirely unknown though, a burning itch that wasn't quite unpleasant, though made her more rash and desperate.

"Even without describing it, Liara already knew I was aroused. She really is good at these kinds of things... She still never said if she was too, though. I'll have to remember to ask her again. Maybe she was just too caught up with everything else. I can see how I would have come across as overwhelming if I had not given her any time for preparations at any point."

After an hour invested in thorough research, she had a better idea of the concepts and what intimacy typically involved. She wasn't a huge fan of the whole space-invading parts, but she thought she wouldn't quite enjoy kissing, and now she couldn't stop thinking about it. Even now, she wanted to go over to kiss Liara. So she did. Quietly, carefully, Shepard took off her boots and snuck over to plant a kiss on the side of Liara's head that was exposed. The soldier slowly laid down to watch the sleeping features out of curiosity.

"She seems to be having a good dream. At least she's a lot more comfortable here than in the sky-car. No more demands."

Shepard reached out of instinct, only to recoil back when she had realized she was reaching with her synthetic hand. There wasn't enough space on the bed to tuck in behind the archaeologist so that she could reach and touch with her organic arm - and it tackled her with more questions to reflect on.

"All the research I've done thus far has involved species that are intact, possessing all their limbs. I haven't found information on what I can do to substitute, or help Liara be comfortable with my synthetics. How can I, when I won't be? I don't want to touch her with them. I won't feel her then."

Her lips tugged in a frown as she glared at her synthetic hand.

"This thing has only ever been good at killing people. Not making them feel good."

A heavy sigh tumbled out of her. She laid on her back, folding her synthetic arm beneath her head as she stared at the ceiling. There was going to need to be a lot of brainstorming involved, but it appeared to embarrass Liara to honestly converse of things of that nature - surprising, really, with how well-versed she seemed to be on matters of intimate nature. At least, it just felt like emotions and physical intimacy went hand in hand.

"I wonder why she found it difficult to express what would arouse her? Perhaps I can invest in one of those volumes of the asari confessions to gain better insight. We'll have to make a stop at the Citadel to re-supply ourselves after the Alliance arrives, so I may as well check the markets there and see if I can find anything helpful."

Shepard's head fell to the side as she watched Liara's sleeping face. She smiled, awkwardly reaching out to the side with her organic hand to at least be able to brush the back of her knuckles against the blue cheek.

One blink, and she was on top of Liara, who was clutching her synthetic wrist with desperation to try and stop her from choking the asari.

Before Shepard could react and disengage, she was flown back and grunted when she had crashed into one of the tables, flipping over it with it fixed to the floor. Pain wracked her body, but none more so than panic over what in the fuck just happened. She used the table for support as she climbed up into kneeling, watching the archaeologist breathing heavily with one hand stretched out to engage her biotics, and the other rubbing her throat. That terrified look in Liara's eyes, the pain and the anger, the betrayal...

It was like when some of the marines in her unit had realized that it was her who had thrown the grenades in their direction.

It was like some of the children when she was forced to choose whether it would be them or their parents that the batarians would murder in their twisted games.

"I was a fool to have ever believed I could make someone happy. Make them feel good. What a delusional dream I've been living - I'm a professional killer. Not some bachelorette."

Shepard quietly rose to standing, ashamed, angry at herself. Her head bowed. Her voice failed her. She clutched the table until her knuckles turned white. A series of cracks shot out. She blinked, and looked more closely at the cause of crushing sounds, realizing she was breaking her table with her synthetic hand instead. The Phantom laughed mockingly at her, and agony zinged up to her cybernetic shoulder.

Nothing hurt more than knowing what she'd just done.

"I'm sorry," she croaked pitifully.

"Why?" Liara demanded in between ragged gasps and coughs. "Why did you do that to me? What did I do to deserve that?"

"I must've fallen asleep," Shepard clutched her bangs, before her hand fell wearily down her face. "I can't... I'm not... It's not safe to be around me then. I was careless. It won't happen again." She couldn't bring herself to look up, make eye contact. She didn't care that she was destroying her table in her hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered once more, then left to retreat and hide.

"Maybe it's for the best if we remain as colleagues, Dr. T'Soni."