Chapter 28: Would You Lie With Me?

"What the hell do behemoths need to survive?" Shepard grumbled, glaring at the thing cradled in her synthetic arm as she slowly sat on her couch, mindful of her grimaces so as not to do a single thing around the asari that was positively vibrating for the chance to pounce. She looked up in exasperation when Liara had the audacity to chuckle. "What's so funny?"

Liara simply shrugged with a sly smile. "I never thought I'd see you holding a baby, but the way you're reacting is so you that I cannot believe I have never thought of it." She cautiously - finally, thank god - took her own seat at the table and engaged her omni-tool. "The Alliance should be here in 30 minutes."

"This strange thing's so frail, it's gonna die by then. Don't behemoths need milk or something?"

"She won't die," Liara rolled her eyes, gesturing softly with a point of her chin. "She's sleeping, Shepard. Two different things."

"Yeah, it's gonna be a sloth if it keeps this up."

"It's what babies do," Liara chuckled quietly, minding her volume. She rested her chin on her palm, not at all putting any effort to wipe the amused look on her face. But then her eyes turned off when her gaze panned over the bandages that were wrapped around nearly the entirety of the soldier's core. "Do you... Want to talk about it?"

Unfortunately, Shepard wasn't quite of mind to be connecting puzzle pieces, having different priorities at the moment.

"The baby?" She looked down at the behemoth, her brow knitting slightly. "I don't quite know how to say how I feel. This thing is so... It's so weak. It's so strange." She ensured she had adjusted the connection between her neural input and her synthetic arm, so that she wouldn't accidentally crush the behemoth's skull. "What do people see in babies? I don't see the appeal. It would be the most stressful mission with no end. You have to try to make sure this thing survives to at least 10 years old. It sabotages itself constantly, as if there aren't enough dangers to kill it. Oh woops, needle in the mouth, because these strange things think it's smart to pop needles like it's candy. How the hell do needles look tasty? And-"

Laughter bewildered her in a screeching stop, and she stared at Liara, aghast and unnerved. "How can you be laughing at this? This is serious, Liara, I know you do that no well-being care on an hourly basis but-"

"Listen here, I take care of myself just fine," the asari shot back with a smile. She only served to prove Shepard's point with the way she winced her way up into standing, and the soldier's face fell deadpan, hoping her eyes were screaming 'I'm telling you so'. "Just because I've knocked my forehead against your chin, or-"

"You need to start your list way earlier than that point, for sure."

Liara rolled her eyes and quietly approached, sitting beside the soldier as she gingerly reached to stroke a finger down the behemoth's cheek. "Truthfully, I can't tell you what people see in babies, because I haven't experienced it myself. But I imagine it would be a joy to raise one. See their personality grow, take shape. Teach them everything you know." Her eyes glinted dangerously as she shot a side-glare. She really could be terrifying when she wanted to be. "Without calling them a maggot."

At that, Shepard sniggered, mouth pulling in a surprisingly easy and lopsided grin. "Why not? Would light a fire under their ass. You saw how well it worked with Sergeant Lowe."

Liara didn't bite the bait. She sighed and leaned to the side, carefully resting her head on the soldier's shoulder.

"This... Feels pleasant."

"You're just okay with all of this again," the asari mumbled.

"I may not know how to say how I feel, but I am positively certain I am not okay with this behemoth, Liara."

"Not that," Liara chuckled, rolling her eyes again. The gaze travelled down to the bandages. "You're okay with what you went through."

"Because it was just a scratch." Shepard's eyebrow was renewed and recruited back to pinching together, realizing this was heading towards no man's land. She didn't know how to stop it. She didn't know how to comfort still. Instead, it appeared that her words backfired and made the archaeologist descend quicker into a hell of it's own making.

Desperate, Shepard urged. "I'm okay with what I went through because I came out okay, Liara."

"You call all of this okay?" Liara sighed exasperatedly, her hand falling on the organic leg. The sharp throbbing underneath, with part of the hamstring wound pressed against the couch, was not a good reminder into aiding the soldier's efforts. "You're alive, yes, but..."

"Then focus on that. It's better than the alternative, right?"

"You learned recently that you never want to understand how I felt when I saw you get shot, Shepard. So how do you think you'd feel if you watched me be tortured?"

Shepard fell silent. She glued her gaze back to the behemoth, trying not to think about the question. "I'm okay." A beat. "I have to be okay. I can't afford to stop and think about it. There are people who need me." She gently lifted the baby a little higher. "Behemoths who need me."

"There are times that even heroes need to be humans, Luce."

Somewhere, there was a nail that was struck inside of her, but the soldier held on valiantly to keep her thoughts at bay. She shook her head. "It is protocol to have a psychological evaluation after missions with parameters like this. Dr. Chakwas will-"

"Parameters? Torture is a parameter to you?"

"What do you want from me right now, Liara?" Shepard rose her head, searching for answers in those troubled eyes. She couldn't keep the gaze long enough, seeing how much pain swam in them. The soldier sucked in a slow breath and closed her eyes, controlling her exhale as she chose her words carefully. "This isn't the first time I've been tortured. You know that. You've seen the scars, asked about them back at your apartment. This is just part of being a soldier."

"They carved into you," Liara hissed quietly. "They branded you."

"And Dr. Chakwas got rid of it."

With more healing involved, but she was not about to detail what she requested if Liara was already stressed and distressed to this degree. The pain was worth it - there was no way Shepard was going to walk around with another bloody reminder of her failure to eradicate batarians. She clenched her teeth when her focus zeroed back in on the behemoth. She tried again to comfort, to alleviate, when the tension beside her became insufferably suffocating.

"The only time that anyone has ever gotten close to breaking me, assassinating me, was when I was poisoned by y-"

"No, Shepard."

"Jesus fuck, why is this so hard? What does she want from me?" Shepard's head snapped up and she stared at the asari, trying to search for answers again. But the agony in them grew exponentially. She was about to be the cause of tears, and she soldered back onto the behemoth as she groped for what to do. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't want you to say anything in particular. I just want you to talk to me. You're hiding things again, burying them."

"And?" Shepard shrugged hopelessly. "What good does talking about it do? Yeah, sure, I was tortured. It sucked. It hurt." She clenched her teeth. "I wanted to pay them back with what they deserved, but I couldn't. I needed to complete the mission. Uphold the promise I once gave, even if it was for another mission. I needed to come home - needed to in one piece, because then I'll be nothing to you if I lose any more of me." Her jaw grit, grinding in frustration. "But what good is me, as I am now, anyways? I keep fucking up. Every action, every decision, every mission since fucking Noveria. I keep failing. I've never failed before, now it's all I'm doing." She scoffed and chuckled derisively. "I suppose one positive is that I'm finally well-trained in one thing, and that's being a failure."

Shaky fingers cupped her knee, squeezing weakly. She couldn't bring herself to look at Liara now, squeezing her eyes shut as she listened to the frail breathing beside her.

"As usual, failing again at comforting her. Fucking up should be part of the daily agenda now."

A harsh suck of tears, and Shepard grimaced at the sound. There was a hole in her chest - a hole that existed before any of this - that was ripped open, even larger. Her shoulders hunched forward, minding her posture when pain signalled her that was causing more damage with her stitched up wounds.

Finally, after what felt like years had passed, Liara asked hoarsely. "Do you feel guilty?"

One word, just one word and it so perfectly captured that feeling, that hole, and Shepard's gaze panned to the asari, the eagerness in her nod somehow subdued halfway as she had become a sloth herself. She licked her lips, suddenly finding them dry, and nodded for no reason again.

"Why do you feel guilty?"

Lost, just as easily. Shepard clammed up and looked down at the behemoth. She couldn't risk divulging this information, or she'd lose the only pillar that she could trust to lean on, without crumbling away. She frowned and shook her head, hoping the vague answer would do for now. "I... I don't know how to say or explain what I feel."

"Okay, well... Let's try this then: if you think you feel guilty, why do you think that way?"

Shepard averted her gaze to the floor when the words tumbled out without permission.

"Because I'm failing you."

"Shepard, you never have."

"I had, I still am."

Part of the soldier was screaming at herself to shut up, but she didn't want to classify this anymore. She was saved, or damned, when her omni-tool lit up to ping her. She carefully handed the behemoth over to Liara to answer the call, where Pressly reported that the Alliance reinforcements and relief had arrived. She was struck with a new feeling, a peculiar one, where she had turned and looked at the behemoth, disappointed, but...

"Affirmative, Pressly. Let them know I will be down to speak with their officer in charge soon. Send a message to the relief unit that we have the behe-"

An express clear throat from someone, somewhere. Shepard rolled her eyes and promptly turned away before the pointed look cut more daggers into her.

"-the baby to surrender as well."

≤Understood, Commander. Pressly out.≥

Shepard sighed when the communication was cut, turning reluctantly to face the behemoth again. "I still haven't given it a name."

"I think you already know what to name her."

A tiny crooked smile. "I stand by Behemoth."

"Absolutely not," Liara chuckled, but was exasperated easily. "You enjoy making things hard for me, don't you?"

"It's the most fun. Warned you I might get addicted to it, so it's your fault I have."

"Mm, I really should have saw that coming."

"You really, really should have."

Shepard strode purposefully to retrieve the behemoth, feeling more confident in how she positioned the wiggly thing in her synthetic arm - and all without waking the future opera singer. There was a definite point of pride there with how much she kept messing up in the beginning, cursing at the thing to stop giving her position away when it would wail and screech like some nightmarish banshee. She held out her bruised hand, mindful to hide her knuckles whenever possible, giving a pointed look when Liara gave her a flat one. The soldier bounced her fingers.

"You have to recover now too," Liara huffed. She hugged her pillow a little firmer, and instead Shepard leaned to push gently on the shoulder to stop the asari from getting up. The asari was not at all amused and gave the most deadpan look ever seen - to date, at least. "Really, Shepard?"

"Really, really. Take my hand."

"But you-"

"It's not a matter of debate. I just have aches and pains at this point. All my wounds are closed. If a stitch pops, it can be re-stitched. You, on the other hand, are at risk of ripping a hole open and going back into surgery." She bounced her fingers. "Just take my hand, please." A beat. "And don't let go." That seemed to get those eyes all lit up and piqued with curiosity, but Shepard absolutely refused to explain as she looked away, bouncing her fingers. She melted a little with relief when Liara finally took the offer, her fingers squeezing in firmly. The soldier suppressed her grimaces as the hot swell of the bruised knuckles ached sharply from the pressure, but... But it was worth it.

{This, between us? This connection? It spells disaster, were we to lose it. But can you feel it? Can you hear it?}

{You go through it anyways, you fight anyways... Because it hurts just as much as it's worth.}

"This connection spells disaster for her if she keeps it," a slithery voice inside chastised. Shepard tried to ignore it, to hold onto the calloused hand that she so dearly missed feeling - alive - warm in her palm. Before they left the quarters, Liara stopped suddenly, hissing a bit when the pull of their arms seemed to antagonize her as she twisted. Shepard frowned and opened her mouth, but was promptly cut off.

"You can't go out there in a bra," Liara murmured, her face slowly flushing. "Do you have a loose shirt that won't press on your wounds?"

Shepard didn't need to think about it, shaking her head. "I only have my standard uniform. And the robes."

Liara smiled sheepishly. "You can't exactly go out in that either."

The soldier looked down at the behemoth when it yawned. She shrugged and smirked. "I want to save the world without changing out of ugly pajamas. Who's gonna stop me?"

"I am," Liara chuckled. "I have some loose attire that I packed from my apartment. Let's stop by my quarters and I'll find you a sweater."

"You know, I thought I would be the one that sucks the fun out of things," Shepard grumbled.

But her smile never left her face, when the hand never left hers.

"This looks familiar... Isn't this patch also what's emblazoned on some of those suits you wear? X-05... Werildhf hsdhsh jhhohasd oahsiohj?"

The way Lucy's face screwed up so adorably, trying to read the emblazoned patch on Liara's sweater, was a memory she actively worked to engrave to stay in her mind forever. She laughed, nearly forgetting her volume around the batarian baby, and slapped a palm over her mouth to try and stifle it. The way the soldier's head panned over ever so slowly to her was nothing short of glorious.

"Liara." Lucy made a pointed look back to the patch. "Are you a legitimately registered scientist?"

"Yes," the asari beamed cheekily.

"You're sure?"

"Last I checked, yes. You did enter my university and spoke to the Chancellor, remember?"

Lucy looked back at her, then the patch. Her lips thinned. She shook her head. "I don't think I want to ask anymore questions. I don't want to be assassinated in my sleep."

"It's an acronym for all the different research units out there," Liara explained anyways, chuckling with the look of disbelief she garnered. "There's a lot to study. Science isn't limited to just archaeology or Protheans, you know." She propped her hip against the bar of her bunk bed and set her pillow up top, holding out the sweater in one hand and gesturing to take the baby in the other.

They swapped, but it wasn't exactly a seamless transition. Liara nearly panicked and employed her biotics as a safeguard when it looked as though Lucy was about to let go of supporting the baby's head, sighing with relief when she'd made a show of levitating it back into her arms. She looked away and closed her eyes, ignoring the little grunts of pain that escaped the soldier as Lucy wrestled the sweater on. The baby was promptly taken back from her, and she had to nibble on the flesh of her cheek to stop herself from smiling so foolishly.

"She keeps talking about the baby like it's just strange, an annoyance. Goddess knows I've had my share of that in the beginning, until I deciphered her code. She has no awareness of just how much she's running on instinct right now."

Grunts and groans were shared as the two moved, and it surprisingly elicited a brief chuckle to be shared somewhere along the way.

"We're so pitiful," Lucy sighed, but it seemed to be more of content. There was something odd in her eyes when she looked over at the archaeologist, who shrunk a little in embarrassment.

"Why are you staring like that?"

Cleverness replaced the oddity, the corner of the lips hitching in the tiniest smile. Lucy's stride gained more purpose as she led them.

"That's classified."

Liara huffed, teasing. "I should be asking if you're a legitimately registered marine, with the way you stamp protocol on nothing."

"Don't have to be. Spectres make up their own rules."

"I'd debate that you didn't necessarily wait to become Spectre to be doing that."

That goaded a more easy going - and devilish - smirk. "Anyone ever tell you that you'd make a pretty damn good archaeologist?"

"I am one," Liara groaned, exasperatedly, "Even if I'm not... Being one... Currently... But-!"

"Hey, let's go check out that lake I was telling you about before. Make new memories and honour old ones. Remember it?"

Stumped, Liara stared for a moment. Her brow arched in confusion over the sudden topic change. "With the baby?"

"We're surrendering the behemoth first, of course, and then I'll have to submit my report to the Alliance official here, so that they can start picking and choosing what they can release to the public. But after that - I mean, if you still want to? We'd need to secure a vehicle." Suddenly, there was a light to the soldier's eyes, and her smirk took on that devilish curl again. "I could show you what riding a tractor is like."

"Is... That wise? With the condition that we're in?" Liara narrowed her eyes. "And do you own a tractor of your own?"

The implication went on ignored, but the asari wasn't going to let it go if it ever were to be a serious plan.

"Ah, no. All our stitches would rip from the first bump in the ride - and that'd likely be just from starting the tractor."

Liara paled and shook her head. "I think I'd very much rather visit and tour Mindoir when it has not been plagued by more tragedy." She squeezed the hand in her own when she caught the way the soldier's pace dulled somewhat, taking a moment to pull ever so gently in order for them to stop. She glanced around so that there was nobody about, then quickly leaned in to steal a kiss. "Patience, Siame. In time, we will have all the time in the universe to explore together, and eat Shirvan again. Perhaps I could assist you with that plan of yours to start your own humble stall of being a fish vendor, and we can sail the sea every morning to catch them."

Hopefully, one day, that would come to pass. Liara didn't want to see any more scars added on to this woman before her. Though Lucy's smile was ever so endearing, that rare hope burning bright in her eyes, the asari couldn't stop remembering - the torture engraved in her mind just as it was etched into the soldier's skin.

{I'm not a fucking painting, you sick fucks!}

"She had her moments where she did break, or at least crack. She's not going to talk about them." Liara's gaze fell to the ground, watching the way their feet would sometimes shuffle out of exhaustion. "I need to talk to someone too, but something tells me she isn't going to exactly reciprocate, and downplay the trauma so it - what, hurts less? Doesn't hurt at all? Are humans minds truly equipped to just compartmentalize that way? Perhaps it is just me that is overly sensitive. I'll ask Dr. Chakwas if she has any time, after things calm down for her too. She likely hasn't had much sleep herself lately either."

There was a sigh burning in her chest, and she valiantly repressed it so as not to give herself away to the soldier. The efforts seemed to have already been exposed when she had caught the way Lucy stared at her with concern and... And something else, but it was gone too soon to tell. The green optics immediately shot forward and there was a renewed effort, a familiar one, to force a smile. It was maintained all the way throughout, even when they went down to the hangar bay and climbed down the ramp, meeting with some strange humans dressed in blue suits that were riddled with medals.

"I can already hear Helen seething, somewhere," Liara mused somewhat amused, though her memories held no mercy for her, dragging her heart down again.

{Have you found any meaning in your holes, Commander? Or do you only find meaning in the holes you put in batarian heads?}

Scarred and calloused fingers rubbed into her, and it was then she had realized they were still holding hands. In front of Alliance officials! It was her turn for her eyes to find something else immediately far more interesting, gazing off and studying the peaceful rolling of hills and the way tall grass fluttered in the wind. It did little to cool the heat crawling to consume the entirety of her complexion.

"Worse yet, I'm clutching a pillow as if I'm some kind of child myself. Goddess," she had to choke her wry laugh back, "What an eclectic crew these officials must think we are. Here be humanity's first Spectre, holding a bunch of children in her hands. She just needs one balancing on her shoulders now."

Another memory struck her, a happier one, finally. She remembered how hands clamped down and snatched her waist, the yelp in her throat as she was throat up, the shoulders nestling beneath her thighs. She angled her head so that she could watch Lucy from the corner of her eyes as she talked to the officials, smiling to herself at the way 'behemoth' was still cradled protectively and sleeping away in the nooks of the synthetic arm - thankfully now more comfortable with a thick sweater for more padding.

{There, now you're even closer to reach and grab them. And by this time tomorrow? We'll be sailing among that sea of stars.}

"Sergeant Garrison will process the baby. He has prepared a separate shuttle to escort the child back to the Citadel and surrender to the social services bureau. He'll need some information from you."

"Understood," Lucy nodded, "And I will compile a written report. I should have it completed and sent to you in about 2 hours." She let go of Liara's hand for a moment, giving a brief salute. "Please pass on my condolences to the Admiral."

"Of course, Commander." The elder of the officials bowed his head slightly in respect, before fixing his military cap back on. They left briskly without another word nor a salute back, confusing the asari.

"Will I ever understand how their military structure functions?"

"I'll be back in 5 minutes, wait here for me, okay? I won't be far." Lucy gestured over to some soldiers that wore red vests that had + signs emblazoned on them. "Right over there." She then lifted the baby a little in her arms. "Would you like to say goodbye to the little behemoth?"

"She's not a behemoth, and so help me Goddess, if you tell the soldier that's her name-"

"I've given her a name," Lucy beamed proudly. Then she smirked. "But that's classified."

"Wha-"

"Ah ah, bye or no bye?" Lucy gingerly lifted one of the baby's arms, stirring her. Curious eyes laid on them, and Liara threatened to melt when the baby did a choked little giggle, exploring already as it reached to grab at the soldier's hair. Lucy leaned back and away a little, her gaze flickering to a glare at the blood that had stained the majority of it. A shower was likely going to be the first thing on the agenda. Lucy helped herself and waved with the baby's arm, wearing a cheeky smile that screamed she thought she was being oh so clever. Her little whisper, so tender, made Liara burn in her spot as she forced herself not to react. "Bye~ Dr. T'Soni."

"What am I supposed to call her, then?"

"You'll see in the news. They usually publish this kind of stuff."

"I mean right now!"

"Bye~" Lucy began to walk backwards, still ever so cheeky with that little arm. It made the asari panic.

"W-wait! Bye, Behemoth!"

She groaned and used her pillow to stuff her face in it instead, especially when Lucy had actually laughed loud enough to draw everybody's attention over. The soldier whirled around and marched with that decisive speed she always had, as if she had no doubts in her mind. How she could do that had bewildered Liara, for she didn't want to say goodbye so soon.

"I suppose I should not be so surprised, she did not seem to want that 'strange little thing' from the start."

But there was one thing that was promising, a subtle shift that wasn't so subtle to Liara - it screamed at her, really. She crossed her arms over the pillow and smiled as she watched Lucy from a distance, and how the soldier was protective down to the very last second, up until 'Behemoth' was surrendered and some kind of documents were signed. Liara was going to nag and read the news every single day, eager to see what meaning Lucy has given in perhaps one of the largest holes in her life.

{I've given her a name.}

"We might as well just step in actual garbage bags at this point," Shepard sighed. She carefully taped a plastic bag all the way around to cover the large gauze wrapping around the asari's ribs. She didn't want to think about herself at all.

"Mine isn't so bad," Liara murmured meekly - she was embarrassed, for some reason. "You on the other hand..."

"Yeah, we're gonna be here for a while. I think I might honestly actually hop in a bag, and then you can tape it around my neck. Wash my hair for me, if you don't mind?"

Liara's eyes widened. "If I tape your neck, you'll-"

"Just don't do it tight enough that I'll choke," Shepard chuckled, "It'll be fine if a few droplets get in. It's just to stop our bandages from soaking, that's all."

"I don't know, Shepard..."

"It'll be fine. I'll be fine. Promise. Be right back."

She didn't give the archaeologist any room to debate or protest as she took off for the utility room attached to the lockers, sifting through supplies until she had found what she could use. She took the whole box with her. She came back, brow arched in confusion when she had seen that Liara had donned her robe.

"Did you... Already shower?"

"Goddess, no," Liara smiled as she shook her head, "I am not that quick. I just... In case if someone came in here... A-and so I can still use the pillow."

"Oh." Shepard plucked out a couple of bags from the box, tossing one over to Liara. "Might want to wrap your pillow in that too then."

"Good idea."

They worked side by side, something that Shepard, admittedly, missed terribly. She'd steal glances often, and soon enough, her little bliss would be shattered by the gnarling in her stomach, the voice chastising her in her head.

"I don't deserve this."

She shook it free from her mind, or tried to, anyways. That sickly feeling grew, tangling around her intestines like barbed wire. She settled in her mantra as she poked holes in the bag for her feet to go through, then sat on a bench as she began to undress, replacing the clothes with a bag to slide up and over her.

"This is for the greater good."

Liara's laughter was like rays of light pouring into the world, the warm sun over the cool sand. It was more contagious than the asari would ever know, and Shepard couldn't ever stop herself from smiling whenever she was playfully teased. Then little blue fingers cradled her jaw, and she welcomed the random kiss she'd gotten for some reason. She didn't always understand, but she never minded either.

"Alright, stand up." Liara stretched the tape in her hands, using her teeth to cut and twist a piece off.

There was significant trial and error involved for her to figure out how to hold the bag all the way up, and Shepard focused on observing every little intricacy whenever the asari would laugh at their many, many errors. The soldier helped however she could with her arms caged inside the bag, holding it up so it wouldn't fall down, smirking as the tape nervously coiled around her neck.

"Tighter, Liara."

"B-but..."

"You're okay. I'm fine. It'll be useless if it falls right off me once I start showering, right?"

"I suppose..." She ripped off another piece of tape, applying it a little more firmly. She had a focused look to her eyes that kept screaming 'cute', and soon, it was Shepard's turn to doll out the random kisses. Liara did a poor job hiding her amusement when she took a step back, though her complexion was flushed and her gaze didn't wander for long. "You first. I have to burn this memory into my mind if you waddle."

"I'm not a penguin," Shepard groaned. "I'm a Spectre, a soldier who's-"

"Yes, yes. But today? You're a penguin. Whatever that is. Show me a picture after - or, well, I suppose you won't have to, if you're going to be one."

Shepard huffed, played it tough and rough, but happily obliged. Anything to hear that laughter. Anything to have that light. She needed it now, more than ever, even though she knew she was selfish. She didn't actually have to waddle as there was still enough space between the holes in the bag, but it was worth it.

{You go through it anyways, you fight anyways... Because it hurts just as much as it's worth.}

"If you found out what I'm actually doing, how I'm hurting your mother... Would this still be worth it, between us?"

The longer this stalled, the more Shepard wanted to confess - but she honestly was terrified to earn that searing ire the way she had with that manual. Guaranteed it would be far worse. She didn't want to hurt Liara, distress her. Ordinarily it would be fine to lie and keep a secret if only to spare that hurt, and that was the logical route, right? But it didn't feel that way.

It hurt worse the longer this remained in the dark.

Every part of her was crying out to confess as Liara had taken her under the showers and helped her wash the blood out of her hair.

"Just because it's no longer staining my body, doesn't mean it's still not there."

Shepard closed her eyes and tried to renew her mantras.

"This is for the greater good."

"You look like you're in pain, is there water getting inside the bag? Are the cuts on your face hurting?"

"Just the cuts on the face, yeah."

"I'll try and make it quick."

Shepard wanted to bash her head against the wall. "What a surprise. Not. Still lying to her. All she wants is trust and honesty from me. But I can't..."

Exploring moral ethics once again. Relationships were hard work. Impossible, really. There was no way to always keep it nice and pleasant and fun - especially when she was the opposite for the majority of the time. What happened to Blue Bloods, to Shirvan, to sweet sweet revenge and horrible cooking? What happened to those days? Not knowing her emotions was the best time of her life, and now that she was able to attribute labels to them, her life has been a miserable hell.

"Nothing makes sense anymore. I need that psychological evaluation as soon as possible. Dr. Chakwas will know how to fix me, how to fix this mess I'm in. Right?"

Sweet lips pressed to hers, threatening to break her free from her cage, but she needed to stay inside it. It was hard not to tear away, and even harder to still invest enough effort to reciprocate the emotions pouring into her, when she just wasn't feeling it because of that stupid voice in her head. But these kisses... It always seemed like there was something else. Liara would even have her eyes open, observing, and she was always too shy for that. She would pull away with the same blissful smiles she always had, though.

That concern that beat inside of those deep blue orbs would wrack with guilt, though, and Shepard could never maintain that gaze for long. Her head dipped, but her chin was lifted with gentle fingers cupping it. Liara leaned in and pressed against her mouth ever so softly, rattling that cage again.

"You are the most excellent training I could have to test and instill discipline," Shepard inwardly grumbled.

"Shepard," Liara whispered tenderly, "Do you think you would be up for trying meditation today?"

"That's... Come out of left field." Shepard leaned back, studying those eyes, but they were sincere. And she did ask for help with this after all. "I'll try, sure. I'd like to get my report out of the way first."

"Of course." The asari's smile came more easily, and she turned off the shower. "My turn. Will you need help getting out of that bag?"

Shepard made a show of poking her arms through, reaching up to rip the tape off. "I'll be fine. I take it you'd like some privacy?"

"Yes, please. I'll meet you back at your quarters."

Brows knitted in conflict. Shepard glanced down at the pillow. "You need an escort, though, and-"

"I promise I will be fine and careful. I have not had any dizzy spells for a while, now. Trust me." Liara's smile widened a little. "I'm being honest with you, Shepard."

Something inside broke at that, and there was an overpowering wave that dragged her heart down to her stomach. She couldn't do it anymore.

"I'm not. I-I mean... I haven't been honest with you."

Damnation was coming, it was certain now. This was it, this was the beginning of the end, of their relationship being over. Shepard bowed her head, clenched her teeth, braced herself for the worst torture of all. Wet feet pattered against the tiles, echoing in the showers. She saw the blue hands swinging in her peripheral vision, readying herself when they raised. She was going to be passionately hugged with those hands wrapped around her throat.

They framed her face instead, and her heart wrenched painfully at the frail whisper as lips pressed to her forehead.

"I know," Liara breathed.