Chapter 29: The Beginning of the End

"What the fuck?"

It was a crucial question asked on a near-minutely basis for Helen. Her instincts were waving red flags with every observation she made, but she wasn't much for analysis - nor was she in the position to be pitching her ideas to Addison to see if their designated volun-told diplomat could make sense of this.

"It's colder here than patrolling Vostok's Station in Antartica. Not that I ever want to tempt that rotation again for comparison."

However, Helen tried to stay patient and pretended to be utterly oblivious, chowing down her ration as she watched the watchers at the mess hall table. The Commander was at the opposite end - which, granted, on it's own, wasn't exactly what was out of place.

"These two still dance around pretending they ain't an item, even if they do shit like - oh, I don't know, hold hands in fronta everyone?" Helen tried not to roll her eyes on that one. Instead she stole a quick side-glance at the cause of the blizzard in the mess hall: someone that may as well have been dressing the part with how much more blue she was, more so in her mood than her skin. "What the fuck?"

Hours ago, she swore Liara would've been elated to see that the Commander was back safe and sound. Relatively speaking, anyways.

"Intact, at the very least."

Rumours spread like wildfire about some batarian baby, and Helen was disappointed that the self-appointed fact-checker scuttlebutt didn't get to see that part with her own eyes. "Maybe Li's upset because the baby's gone?" She glanced over at the Commander, who was keeping tidy and careful while she slowly worked away on her own ration. "The Commander didn't kill a baby, did she? Jesus, that's fucked up, even for her. Feel like gossip would be spreadin' 'bout that too, though. I'll swing by the hangar bay later."

Nightmarish memories flashed behind her eyes when she blinked, especially with the shit that happened on Asteroid X57. She tried to shake the images free and double down on her efforts to solve this mystery surrounding her, but all she could see now were faces ripped right off of skulls, or eyes hanging by their fragile strings.

"The Commander needs someone to lighten her the fuck up and steer away from that shit for sure," Helen shuddered inwardly. "Li just doesn't get it. She wasn't here before. Course she don't feel like she's doing much if she hasn't seen it - I hope she never does. But the difference in the Commander now is night and day, and I'm willing to bet my paystub that it's thanks to Li."

There was that protectiveness brewing again, an omen that promised serious consequences if she had gone up and spoke to her superior unfavourably in favour of backing up her friend. She had an inkling that, at the very least, she could possibly get away with it if the Commander truly upheld her statements that her subordinates could be frank with her, but...

"Do I dare? It's not really my place, but Li's my friend." Helen subconsciously shifted her chair a little closer to the asari, brushing shoulders. A shiver raced down the marine's spine and her heart fell when Liara instinctively leaned away for space. "There's something going on for sure, but-"

A ping on her omni-tool broke her out of her musing, and between smacking mouthfuls, she engaged it to read a message sent by... Talitha?

[LCpl Draven: Fried brains for eggs this morning? Leave it alone. You aren't their relationship counsellor.]

Helen suffocated her snigger and tried not to smile overtly, sharing a sly glance with Talitha as they waited out their time so as not to be suspicious - though, that may have already blown up with Helen answering her omni-tool as soon as the message was sent. She could feel the way Liara tensed beside her, though kept quiet and nonchalantly fed things from her plate to the pyjak that nested on her shoulder. A couple minutes, and Helen quickly typed a message back.

[Sgt Lowe: So even you can tell something's up between them. It's not right. If the Commander pissed off Li, then we need to back her up.]

It was a slow conversation, to be sure, each trying to be inconspicuous. They were taking their hints largely off of Addison, who remained blissfully unaware as she ate away and worked on her omni-tool to report whatever the hell she had to do for relief duty - hopefully not clean up duty. Another haunting image pulsed behind Helen's eyes: seeing the way the terrorist leader's body was strung up in retaliation for detonating the bombs and killing the hostages on X57. It was almost symbolic, the way he was postured, and all she could think of at the time was there was a fucking psychopath commanding them. She could get rage, sure - at the time she didn't, until that defining fuckery enticed her curiosity to look up the Commander's past to see if she was even safe on the Normandy, or if she was to begin brainstorming loopholes to escape her rotation on this ship.

Another ping, a distraction, a godsend from the darkness invading her mind.

[LCpl Draven: Or not and let them figure it out. Don't meddle, Helen. It's not right either.]

Helen huffed quietly. She froze in her seat when a stoic voice filled the table.

"You've already filed your reports, Sergeant Lowe. Is there something you'd like to share with the table?"

"Jesus, the Commander's like my fuckin' highschool teachers." Helen rose from her seat to give a brief salute, hoping it'd save her, then sat with a shake of her head. "No ma'am. With all due respect, this is a private matter." The way the Commander's eyes snapped to her made her skin crawl, and she swore she was about to break out into a sweat. "Those implants make her fucking terrifying. She's like some robot that's about to go apeshit and tear my limbs apart."

Another image flashed of the terrorist leader, and her desperation to escape became her downfall.

"It's uh, well, Lance Corporal Draven is just asking me about romantic advice."

The way Talitha's eyes bulged nearly set Helen in stitches, but she reigned in her discipline with all her might and tried to ignore the deadpan look that Addison now shot her. "No doubt I'll get an earful in our quarters later."

Unfortunately, her lie only seemed to garner intrigue rather than a loophole out this dreadful conversation. The Commander straightened in her seat and folded her hands neatly on the table. The way her brow arched made it feel like a concrete truck just took a dump on Helen's lungs.

"May I remind you that fraternization among the ranks is forbidden? You are putting me in a peculiar position here, Sergeant Lowe. I am duty-bound and obligated to report it."

"But not obligated to tell the truth," Liara scoffed under her breath - out of earshot of a certain someone, thank god.

Helen glanced over in concern, sharing it with Talitha and now Addison, who finally seems to have come up to speed. The pyjak hissed at the Commander in retaliation as well, but the robotic marine kept cool.

Up until Lucky helped herself to a handful of food and chucked it at the Commander's face.

There was a crescendo of gasps, and Helen doubled down on her efforts to retain her discipline - but fuck was it ever hard not to smirk or crack a slight chuckle. She immediately zipped her lips when those frightening vibrant green lines soldered back onto her, before glaring and seething at the pyjak. Then something shut off. The Commander quietly went back to her food. Helen had to mind her jaw so as not to gawk and catch flies in her mouth. For the umpteenth time in the past few minutes of observation...

"What the fuck?"

"This is a warning, Sergeant Lowe," the Commander may as well have mumbled. "Cease and desist whatever relations you two are encouraging."

"Does that involve you?" Helen nearly blurted. She glanced over at Liara, then caught the subtle shake of head in her peripheral vision, looking over at Talitha. The marine was stout and stern. This was exactly the time to meddle with whatever the hell was going on here. But another marine doubled down, and Addison gave a slight pinch to Helen's thigh. She suppressed a sigh and nodded. "Of course, at once, Commander."

"...Good."

Liara let out a wry bitter chuckle, still quiet, but profoundly loud enough to have an adverse effect on the Commander - who now looked absolutely guilt-ridden. Helen suspicions about the batarian baby was running strong now, but she'd have to table it and corner Liara the moment they were alone. At least, hopefully the asari would confide in her. Another pinch from Addison made Helen shoot over a look with wild eyes, blinking exaggeratedly to show she understood to buzz off from this.

Unfortunately - or perhaps fortunately? - a pyjak didn't get that memo. There was another handful of food thrown. Helen had to slap her hand over her mouth and look the opposite way, valiantly struggling not to laugh. When she stole a quick look to gauge the Commander's reaction, she couldn't hold it in anymore. Her chuckles escaped her at the sight of food splotching and slow-rolling down the face.

"The future of pyjak baseball is here," Helen blurted.

Fear immediately surged through her upon those terrifying eyes landing on her again, amongst Talitha and Addison giving her their own exaggerated blinks of panic. There were no apologies issued on Liara's end, who seemed indifferent about the entire thing - though there was a tiny hitch at the corner of her lips. It didn't really come off as happy or good, though. Another throw, but this time the Commander held up her hand and blocked the food, whilst the marines struggled not to laugh at these bizarre antics, despite the tension suffocating the atmosphere.

"S-sorry Commander," Helen quickly issued between chuckles, trying to look away. "I know I'll be reprimanded for this, but... But fuck. Lucky really doesn't like you today, huh? You two were doing so good too."

Another pinch from Addison, several, really, to try and stop her in her tracks. But she plowed on and accepted whatever punishment was going to come her way.

"I knew as soon as I chuckled the first time that I'm in trouble, might as well have some fun to make it worth it."

Surprisingly enough, no such consequence came. The Commander sighed and rose, maintained her composure throughout the end, solidified her position of being the emotionless robot she was so infamous for on this ship. It was back to the beginning when Helen first started serving here. There was ice everywhere, and everybody was walking on it, but nobody was breaking it. The only thing that shed some light that there was still a human hiding under that uniform was the fact that the Commander had actually smiled, but it was painfully obvious, flagged immediately in Helen's mind that it was forced.

"Excuse me, while I go clean myself. Please leave my ration here," the Commander calmly explained. She was even more rigid than she always was as she walked away, peculiarly off towards the CiC rather than her quarters that were right there.

Helen didn't waste a moment to seize the opportunity as she turned towards Liara. "Okay, Li, one question: what the fuck?"

There was time taken, wide eyes given, but the asari didn't seem all that shocked as she tried to play. There was something disturbing brewing in her eyes, like she was there but not and emotions that she rarely expressed were burning bright in them now. The last time Helen saw her angry was at the gym when the Commander was being a righteous asshole to them all.

"Maybe that topic came up between 'em? Maybe the Commander defended it, pissed off Li? Seems weird to talk about after everything that's happened."

"Leave her alone," Talitha whispered, and it was accompanied by Addison saying the same.

"This isn't something to poke your nose in, Helen," Chase added.

Lucky's glare settled on Helen next, protectively wrapping around the asari's neck with the tip of the tail lashing furiously.

"She's like a fucking cat, I swear." Still, Helen pressed on. "Something's going on between you and the Commander. What happened? What's eating away at you?"

At first, Liara's mouth opened and vengeful pain struck across her expression. She instead renewed her attention on her food and despairingly poked away at it with her fork. She gave a nonchalant shrug. "Perhaps you should listen to the others."

"Li, come on... You can talk to us, yeah? If you need us to back you u-"

An announcement came on overhead, blaring loudly on the ship speakers.

≤Attention, Normandy crew, this is your Commander speaking. I will be running a simulation aboard the ship. Rest assured that what you see is not real, so do not be alarmed if you spot flames or missiles.≥

Dread plummeted Helen's heart to her stomach. She unknowingly sucked in a breath and held it as silence fell and gripped the atmosphere, combining with the tension that was already suffocating the air. She glanced over at Talitha and Addison, who seemed to be doing the same. One final look at Liara, who still struggled to appear indifferent - but seemed to be waiting with bated breath as to what was about to happen. She quietly pushed her plate of food away and rose from her chair, though froze when distant footsteps raced and echoed from what sounded like the CiC. Helen grabbed the asari's wrist and protectively urged her to sit down, realizing far too late now that the pillow Liara was supposed to have with her was nowhere to be found.

"Maybe the doc gave her the okay and she's healin-"

Suddenly, the Commander appeared around the corner, her eyes zeroing in on the pyjak as her nostrils flared.

"I'm going to fucking roast your ass and eat it for dinner, you fucking monkey!"

Spittle flew from both of them. Their hisses rebounded off the walls, neither losing their momentum even as other marines wandered into the mess hall with their rations - and promptly right out just as quickly. Small trails of blood were left about as the Commander popped a couple stitches in her race to catch the pyjak and strangle it, apparently. Helen lost all care for the consequences and fell off her chair laughing, counting all her blessings that she got to be alive for this day to be a glorious witness to it all.

Distracted by this miracle, she missed the part that the blue blizzard silently slithered away in the shadows.

Shepard stared at her agenda, wishing it would somehow change before her eyes. She dreaded that she'd given access to another to this private part of her agenda. The tired marine helped herself to her alcohol cabinet and took out the bottle of wine that was opened before, courtesy of a certain archaeologist, before a wine glass was shattered in her descent into the phantom darkness. She sighed and didn't bother with another glass as she sat and sipped straight from the bottle.

"Manners aren't important anymore. What is?"

Despair lurked and threatened to demotivate her from her mission. The ensuing volatile argument that took place in Benezia's makeshift jail cell nearly had her throw her hands up in the air and walk away from this entire blasted operation. But there was nobody left to make the hard calls, to do what it took in order to save them all from the reapers.

That's what Shepard kept telling herself.

"It's for the greater good," she justified selfishly. She waited for her doors to open, respecting the terms Liara had set down ever since she found out about her mother. She would be there for every session from now on. There would be no more physical torture - something Shepard wasn't sure she could stay faithful to.

"Then again, it's gotten me nowhere." She flexed her bruised hand in front of her face, frowning. "That's what's worse. All this time, and I've learned nothing. What am I supposed to do now, especially with Liara there? Benezia will try to hurt her again. She isn't going to just comply and have a nice little chat with us. But I need that information, and Liara isn't going to let this one go. I don't want her there." Shepard sipped at the wine, sighing as she pushed past the pain to rest her head against the table. "I could forcefully evict her from the Normandy and send her off to the relief team before they finish their operations here on Mindoir. It's not like she wants anything to do with me anymore anyways, so what relationship is there left to destroy?"

But... She owed it to Liara. She owed it for all the lies, the pain, to try to make it right at least once in this godforsaken fucked up situation. She knew what she was heading into when she confessed. She knew what she was giving up. She was prepared that she had crossed the point of no return, entering no man's land. She knew.

So why did it still hurt this goddamn much?

"She didn't even look at me at the table. She won't look at me anymore. She won't hear me, won't hear me out. I can explain and justify to the end of my days. I've..." Shepard clenched her fists. "I've really hurt her this time. I don't... What do I want?" She struggled, groping to attribute those cursed labels to treacherous feelings. She suffocated every notion that screamed selfishness to her. "I don't deserve her. More than anything, I don't want her to hurt anymore. I don't need her forgiveness."

She did need it. That was selfish though, and so it was squashed.

"I don't deserve it."

Exhaustion whittled away at her. She hadn't slept in a bit, hadn't taken her medication. She didn't think she'd be able to fall asleep even with the help of her medication. A throb ignited to life in her knee, and she groaned. Her synthetic knee.

"What horrible timing... Or the perfect one to pay back all the pain I've caused, I guess." A bitter laugh. "I know I deserve that now, clear as day." A darker thought, the bitterness twisting into a searing seethe ripping into that hole deep inside of her, and the agony was too real to just wave away and ignore and solder onto duty for a distraction.

"I miss the days before Liara came into my life. I could do my duty just fine. Why is she so pissed off, anyways? She gave me permission in her apartment, said she wouldn't stop me, so long as I didn't ask her or expect her to hurt her mother. I was okay with that deal. I was prepared to be the one to neutralize the threat anyhow - that duty falls to me. So, what, she changed her mind? Her mother shot her! Why isn't she angry with Benezia?"

Teeth grit, grinding loudly. "She was perfectly okay with fucking, what's their faces? Kaleema, Neekoo. Her friends were trying to kill us. Fucking everybody was fucking with us on Thessia, and that was fine. She had a volus spy on her, take her dignity away. That was fine. I punish him and that wasn't fine. Batarians ruined my life, they do nothing but ruin everybody's lives, proof of that over and over and over again. But that was all fine too. Compassion for fucking everybody but me. I punch one acknowledged enemy and suddenly I'm the enemy of the universe, like I'm the one that committed genocide and killed hundreds of innocent scientists and bred an army of aliens known to have nearly eradicated the universe and - fuck! What the fuck was I supposed to do?!"

Shepard shot up into standing, uncaring of the pain coursing through all her wounds carved into her body. It distracted from the phantom buzzing hard inside her knee, and she was desperate to feel anything else but that - for the memories were sure to follow soon. She beelined for her heavy bag, adjusting the neural input with her synthetic arm so that it was back to it's normal strength. She donned her gloves and began to pummel away, trying to empty out these vicious thoughts and frustrations.

"I'm not the worst," she seethed between heavy breaths. "I'm always trying to protect her, to save her, to save fucking everyone. Why am I being punished for that? Somebody has to get that information. I'm not asking her to. I shielded her from that pain. I'm not taking the easy way out, thrusting that responsibility on anyone else. It's mine alone. So." She launched a punch, felt another stitch pop, her clothes absorbing more rivulets of blood. "Why." Another punch, another stitch. "Me? Is my way not understandable?"

"There is always a better way, far better than yours anyways," a heated voice joined.

Shepard froze, that guilt and gnarly unnamed feeling weaving and crushing her chest. She couldn't bear to look, to find out just how long Liara might've been standing there, listening to this pitiful unravelling. She bit her tongue, gnawed on the flesh of her cheeks to repress this explosion building inside of her. But selfishness had other plans.

"I do what I have to," Shepard hissed between clenched teeth. "Better way?" She scoffed, chuckling wryly. "You don't even know what's wrong with her."

"And you do? Oh, right, because you have been the cause of that by torturing her."

"She's already dead!" Shepard whirled around, and for a second, she could hold Liara's gaze. The way those eyes shone deflected her will and she glared at the floor. "She's not there in the mind anymore, Liara."

Indoctrination. Right. She wasn't there on Feros. Doesn't know. Doesn't know that Benezia's soul was already dead, but her body isn't allowed to play catch up now. Doesn't know that Kaleema and Neekoo are already dead, just frozen and suspended and peace stalled. But Liara didn't seem like she cared to know right now anyways, so fuck it all and fuck this bullshit and there was no way Shepard could dig herself out of this deep hole anyways anymore and these fucking emotions would not piss off. This was unfair. Liara was unfair. Why wasn't she compassionate or understanding anymore? Yes, Shepard knew what she was doing was wrong, but... But what better way was there? What was the alternative? She's already tried everything she could think of. She didn't resort to torture immediately. She did try to talk, negotiate, show Benezia the error of her ways, had even gone so far to tell her what was going on with Liara and how Liara was in a fucking coma and-

And Benezia laughed in her face.

So she paid with her face.

"I do know what's wrong with her, Liara, but you just see me as the enemy just because of a few punches. She shot you, but it's okay, because she's your mom. A mother should never hurt their child, no matter the fucking reason. That she did must mean there's something wrong, right?"

"That doesn't mean another wrong makes it right! You knew what you were doing, all this time, was wrong! You tried to be purposefully kind to me to make up for it, hiding it from me, so - what? You would feel less wrong? Less guilty? If you tried another way rather than just resorting to brute force and brutality the way you always have to-" Liara stopped, sucking in a harsh breath. She wiped at her eyes, but they glowed soon enough as loomed closer to her breaking point again. "What happened to peaceful solutions are the best solutions? Have you been lying since the start?"

That very question triggered something, and then it shut off just as quickly. Emotions broke the dam and flooded out back into the black ocean of nothingness. A small measure of relief came when Shepard could finally regain control of herself, and clasped her arms behind her as she settled in her military stance.

"During our session today, you'll see for yourself that she has information we need and that there is no other way to get it. Please..." She forced herself to look back up, trying to push past the pain that hurt far worse than the aches all over her body when she saw how Liara's eyes glossed sheen. "You've understood everything about me thus far - you must understand the position I'm in, the decisions I must make. Sacrificing the galaxy for the sake of shortsighted morality would be a far greater evil. But I agree with you, I understand why you're upset. I don't enjoy what I have to do, the decisions I must make, but someone has to make them. And in the end, I must live with them. They don't train you in the military on how to do that, but they do hammer it in your head to be prepared to make sacrifices. My morality is my sacrifice. Whatever the cost. And I'm willing to pay with my humanity to save humanity."

"And the people you've sacrificed because of that? Is it really saving humanity when you are giving yours up and forgetting what it means to be human in the process? This is precisely the time to hold onto your morals and humanity, not cast them away!"

A glance at the time. Dr. Chakwas would be returning to the med bay soon to prepare what she needed for their session with Benezia. Drained, Shepard unknowingly descended into an apathetic state, hiding away and drowning all these emotions that were getting in the way of duty. She didn't need this. The universe didn't need this. It was a matter of time before time wouldn't matter anymore, with the reapers on their doorstep.

Empty, she walked up to Liara and stared at her hard in her eyes. "Save the few, or the many, Dr. T'Soni? The next time I am called upon to make a decision like that, I will leave that up to you, then."

"Is that what you are telling yourself to justify your decision? There is no justification for choosing any part of that which one knows to be wrong, and your behaviour has been proof of that. You need only reflect and introspect."

"You haven't been there from the start, you don't know-"

"I do not know anything because you have never talked to me about it," Dr. T'Soni seethed, puffing her chest as she met Shepard on equal ground and inched up to her face. She wasn't going to back down. She wasn't going to understand. Why? "You ask what other way was there, what is the alternative? I will tell you. You are looking at the alternative right now. You could have consulted me."

"I don't think you'd very much appreciate brainstorming methods of torture if you're not handling it well now," Shepard spat back.

"It doesn't have to nor did it ever have to resort to torture. I am her daughter, I know her better than anyone. I know her strengths, her weaknesses, her grievances and her annoyances."

"She laughed about hurting you, what part aren't you understanding here? She's not the person you remember anymore. Seeing what she is now, who she no longer is, will hurt you more."

"That is my decision to make, not yours. I remind you, just as I did in the university, I am not somebody you must protect and coddle." The agony in Dr. T'Soni's eyes was replaced by something else, a new attribute yet to be discovered. "And I remind you a fact you so readily and quickly forget, I may be a child in asari years, but I am older than you. By the time you have learned to walk or talk in your life, I have already completed my doctorate and have been delving into danger ever since then. I've known pain and love and accomplishments and failures. You are not the only one who has scars." She whirled around and marched out the quarters with vehemence, a poisonous bitter to her tone. "We should go. According to your agenda, we're late for your session. Mother doesn't like to wait."

Left alone, Shepard was cast out of her state, feeling all sorts of things she never wanted to feel again. She was on the edge, struggling, chastising herself for defending herself when always, always, from the start, she was understood, where she had a partner to help her navigate the rights and wrongs she was shut off to. It was time to wake up and learn something from all those lessons, no?

Apologize.

As that back turned, walked away, the first and foremost thought was to apologize again and again and again. At no point had she, ever since she confessed and apologized that she wasn't being honest. She wanted to make it right. She wanted to stop this hurt she was inflicting. There was a war inside of her where pride and acknowledgement butted heads, where her truth and Dr. T'Soni's truth couldn't find equal footing and a neutral ground of which they could both agree.

Apologize.

Even if their methods were different, their goals were aligned. It was always that way from the start. They could move past it, move forward even from misunderstandings and missteps.

Courage was nowhere to be found, this time. Shepard reluctantly matched the asari's stride and walked beside her, though it felt like there was an entire galaxy in between them. The soldier screamed at herself to say 'sorry' over and over again but it never made it past her throat. Her last ditch attempt shot out with a mind of it's own, where her synthetic hand captured Dr. T'Soni's wrist - but it was promptly ripped out of her grip.

"No," T'Soni whispered shakily, "You have gone too far, this time. You prioritized information. So let us get you your information."

"I never wanted that," Shepard murmured, "Not more than..." Her face screwed up, groping for the words. She couldn't deny it.

She did prioritize getting information.

"You made it clear, please do not lie to me again." T'Soni stared her down, fragile, wavering, as if all her emotion had incinerated her. "What I do understand is why you need that information, but I do not and will not ever understand as to why you felt as though you could not talk to me about it, especially after all this time and everything we have been through. All I asked for was honesty and trust - there is no relationship without it. You know what is truly heartbreaking? I had known mother was alive, and I did not think you would be above torturing her, regardless of reasons." She sucked in a shaky breath, the last of her resolve dwindling in a frail mumble that signalled that which Shepard knew: the beginning of the end.

"So it is my turn to make myself clear, now." T'Soni pushed the button to open the med-bay's doors. "I do not trust you anymore, Commander."