Chapter 38: The Strength of the Wolf
Music filled the meld, different genres that Lucy had never taken the time to listen to. She had a focus on more upbeat songs, courtesy of Sergeant Lowe's instruction back when she was teaching the soldier on how to - apparently, as she put it - actually dance. This was akin to the piano that Liara enjoyed, and soon, there were other songs that accompanied powerful orchestras that were riveting, taking her on a journey even though the imagery in the meld never changed. She was in awe every time she looked around and found herself alone, musing on how T'Soni was able to continue to construct and maintain the beach - and the meld - without diving in here herself.
Sand flickered, and Lucy looked down. The colours were shifting and the sand spiralled into sinkholes. It wasn't Skymeadow Beach anymore, and suddenly her entire body tensed, ready for a fight. Blood began to stain the sand, and she closed her eyes as she gritted her teeth.
"I am not on Akuze, anymore. I am on Skymeadow Beach."
Images flashed. Simone's hand - the thresher maw. Where was Liara? Akuze was going to happen again, and again, and again. Shepard couldn't stop it. The world reconstructed itself, piece by piece, as if it were another instrument joining and tapering off in the orchestra. She tried to focus on the music, on the violins, the chorus, the cellos, the journey they were taking her on.
"I am not on Akuze."
The crescendo, the fall, the way the strings bounced off of each other as they intertwined in harmony, then split on their own. She tried to imagine herself reaching and grasping for the notes, to catch the melody in her hands. She was in her quarters, then, sitting in her chair with a glass of her favourite wine. She felt a presence then. Her heart yearned when the volume quieted, and then it skipped when a warm chuckle hummed in her heart.
"My apologies, Lucy," purred the familiar voice. "I will turn the volume back up. I take it you are not opposed to this music?"
"It's... No, I am not opposed to it. I enjoy it. Each instrument is telling a story."
Curiosity wrapped around her like an embrace. She felt arms loosely hook around her shoulders from behind, and weary lips pressed in on the corner of her jawbone.
"That's why you were gone," Lucy realized, "You were sleeping. You should go back to sleep."
"You were starting to have a nightmare," T'Soni murmured, pressing another affectionate kiss in. "It is okay, Siame. I'll be okay. Let's enjoy the music and share the wine together."
What was most disadvantageous over the advantage of intertwining all thoughts and feelings was knowing when she was outmatched on sheer stubbornness. Every rise and fall of an argument transpired within milliseconds of a million thoughts, and she succumbed to defeat knowing she would not be left alone right now. She scooted back in her chair and closed her eyes, tuning back in to the music and the arms wound around her.
"Why can't Dr. Chakwas give me my medication to suppress my nightmares?" Lucy wondered aloud.
"It caused a bad reaction with all the other drugs she has to give you," Liara answered within her mind. "Your heart wasn't able to withstand all the stress of such a convoluted cocktail."
Shepard hummed. She could only imagine what such a cocktail entailed, and though she tried to keep curiosity at bay, the thoughts were read the moment they ignited to life.
"Tali has built your new hand, yes."
"How has installation been?"
"...Difficult."
Such a vague answer demanded more, but T'Soni buckled down and resiliently derailed her thoughts so as to put an abrupt end to the subject. The agony that snaked around the soldier's chest was a silent plea to let the matter rest - at least for now. However, Lucy was restless. A small laugh puttered over her ear.
"When have you ever not been?" T'Soni teased softly, smiling as she gently encased the tip of the human's ear in her lips, her own curiosity at play.
With a meld constructed of previously experienced sensations, though, there was a disappointment in not being able to at least fabricate something. Lucy made a mental note to let the asari indulge more curiosities once they were back... However she should call the 'outside world', or reality. She could sense distress surrounding such a matter, honing in on it immediately as she used the exhaustion to her advantage.
"You certainly don't play nice when you want to, Luce," Liara chastised, somewhat amused, though her weariness weighed far heavier. She reluctantly conceded to the instincts that poked and prodded in their investigation to yield more information. "You're not ready to wake up yet."
"But I must," Lucy pressed, though tried to be gentle about it. There was an urgency that demolished the sentiment. "Saren is out there. We're on route to the Citadel, then?"
Liara ceased sating curiosities to distract herself, falling into the opposite chair with a dejected sigh. She shrugged as she nodded. "Navigator Pressly has assumed command in the mean time and has decided to bring the Normandy in for much-needed repairs. He has plans to report to the Council when we dock, which - last I heard before falling asleep - will be in about four hours."
"Good. Please inform Dr. Chakwas to-"
"No."
"Liara, I have to wake up." Lucy frowned as she set her wine glass aside, something compelling her to reach across the table. She felt that agony snaking around her chest when she'd thought to reach with her organic hand - reminded of a new unfortunate reality.
"Unfortunate..." Liara almost seemed to scoff. Her exhaustion was weaving a bitterness to her thoughts and emotions. "You are something else, Luce."
That compulsion pressed ever forward, and Lucy clasped the blue hand in hers with her metal hand. She tried to remember the sensations, then cast them aside when that ever-persistent agony needled at her chest again. She had to remember instead that they were one, here.
But more importantly, she had to hark duty.
"How much longer will you listen and yield to duty?" Liara questioned, her eyes darkening and piercing upon sensing the knee-jerked answer. "There will be nothing left if you do."
"There will be nothing left if I don't," Lucy argued softly. "I've been waiting for death to take me to my knees for a long time, Liara. I can't wait for peace. But my duty is... It's more than just that, and you can feel that too, right? I will brave any ordeal that will come, because I have something I want to fight for now - and it's not just for peace."
"You cannot protect everybody, you will lose more of yourself by doing so and eventually, you will die because you have nothing left to lose, Luce."
"Then I will die trying."
"Stop just accepting your death as if it's okay!" Liara snapped as she shot up from her chair, her strained voice beckoning a fierce reckoning inside the soldier's chest. "It's not! To me, it's not - to the Normandy crew, it's not. When will you accept that you must live-"
"Not if I keep cheating death, but I have come to accept that there must be a purpose in ensuring that I remain living." Shepard hissed, matching the ferocity as she rose from the table. She came around to be face to face, willing it with all her might that every part of her mind and heart was open to be accessed. "I understand that it is painful for you to witness this, but just think how we will then be witnesses to this happening to the entire universe if Saren is successful in his mission to bring back the Reapers. I will not be the only one suffering. I refuse that reality, Liara, no matter the cost. My purpose is to stop the Reapers. A limb is a small price to pay-"
"Not once the price demands your life."
"If it stops the Reapers..." Lucy's brow pinched in conflict when the echoes of hysterical scream breached mental barriers, agonizing alongside the asari who has been inadvertently forced to suffer along. She pulled T'Soni in a firm embrace, whispering dearly in aurals that were wishing to lose the ability to listen. "You have given me a reason to fight, Liara. Remember our conversation, back on Thessia? At the time, I had sought to educate myself because I found it difficult to make it compelling for me to fight for people. Over the course of our journey, I have learned how... Not just how pleasant... But how wonderful it is to have formed the bonds I have with the Normandy crew. Sergeant Helen Lowe has become something of a daughter to me, and-"
"P-pardon?"
There was confusion, for a moment. Lucy leaned back a little as she took a good look at the asari's expression. It was rather difficult to not hear inside one's mind, especially when she took to answering the most repeated question dictating the course of the current of Liara's thoughts.
"Yes," Lucy affirmed resolutely, "Helen has become a daughter to me. Not legally, of course. Not yet. But her dossier revealed she has been orphaned all her life. She deserves the joy of a parent."
"Not... Not yet?"
Why was there fear? Even with such intimate access, this was most confounding. Lucy didn't quite understand the nature of concerns that consumed the archaeologist.
"This is distracting from the main point," Lucy pointed out, though she sensed there was no point to go back to her earlier debate with this apparently being a deep shock to the system. "Liara, are you okay? Come bac-"
Suddenly, the asari disappeared. The meld shattered in the same breath. Darkness enraptured the soldier and she was left spinning in infinite circles with the fragmented information she was slammed with herself. There was a multitude of things revealed, apart from emotions and thoughts, where things that were still in the process of being processed had been leaked through to her. She had seen flashes of memories, of Benezia, of a relay system, intertwining with Prothean visions and inky tendrils that tried to corrupt, to pull, to interrogate and torture. She was deeply disturbed by the memory she'd briefly seen Liara claw at her own eyes.
"Liara?" Lucy looked around, but she was floating in the abyss. An alluring pull tethered to her and made her drift, where a blurry haze snaked in and made her thoughts fuzzy. There was a brief light flashing directly into her eyes, once, twice - then a poke in her neck. For a fleeting second, a searing splitting pain burrowed in the back of her skull as if there was an implant without anaesthesia, igniting a wrath when her body surged with the resistance to fight back upon her first suspicion.
"Have the batarians-!"
Abrupt sleep consumed her consciousness.
Liara watched protectively from the corner, hugging herself for some small measure of comfort over this stressful procedure. Time was forcing their hand. The Commander needed to be awakened, and though Liara could argue to the end of her days that the soldier was not ready...
Lucy would simply issue an order for the crew to listen to her. She did not truly need to heed the opinion of one individual, however dear or precious their relationship had come to be, and it was a cold reality that the asari knew would be heeded instead. She cursed that impenetrable sense of duty. It was both inspiring and a damned curse at the same time, a curse that reaped its rewards by taking what it wanted as if it were some deal made with a devil.
"Lucy Fair, true to her name after all," Liara sighed dejectedly in her thoughts.
Tali and Dr. Chakwas worked in tandem to ensure a smooth process between synthetics communicating with organic. A concentrated dose of drugs was needed in order to overpower the damned genetic modification package that the Commander had chosen upon enlisting so many moons ago, her liver enhancements also effectively and efficiently filtering out the medications to aid her. Alongside her, Tali was busy frantically programming between the soldier's implants and new cybernetics. The quarian had never been seen this stressed before, cursing in her own dialect before hastily asking Chakwas for a few extra seconds.
Time that Lucy did not allow them.
As soon as a geth hand had shot up in the air, Liara stretched out her own hand and called on her biotics to subdue, just like past failed installations. She was ready.
She hated this part the most.
"She has been through enough. When will enough be enough?"
Energy thrummed in her palm, but she desisted as soon as a familiar groan followed the subdued movement of the geth hand. Dr. Chakwas immediately flashed her penlight into Lucy's eyes, fearless despite the very real danger that the soldier would viciously apprehend her as past attempts had come to pass. The geth hand snapped around the doctor's wrist, and Liara stepped in with her biotics to be safe rather than sorry.
"Wait," Karin interjected, cautiously grabbing the geth hand that snared her wrist. Then she smiled. "Welcome back, Commander. How are you feeling?"
More groans. There was a thick bandage taped over the cheek that had been grafted, utilizing skin that had to be flayed from elsewhere.
All these grotesque images were only emboldened in the asari's dreadful imagination, determined to torment her, when the reality of it all was much more simpler - she knew. She knew, but her mind enjoyed taunting her so. She remained on guard as she slowly approached, watching those familiar eyes flutter to life. Tali seemed elated, upon seeing the second geth hand come up in the air, hovering above Lucy's face.
"G'work," the soldier was able to ground out, despite new restrictions inflicted by her severe cheek wound. With Karin's aid, the plinth was adjusted and she sat up to test her new hand.
Liara couldn't bear to watch and stowed herself back in her corner, glaring at the ground until there was some kind of hint that enlightened the cruelness of this reality wasn't being marvelled anymore. Instead, she was enlisted for aid, and she was terribly conflicted with where she stood - what did she want, despite how she felt? She hated this. She hated all of this, and yet her feet still moved autonomously to help, with Karin beckoning her to the Commander's bedside to read something on the soldier's omni-tool, a new quick and dirty solution of Shepard's to just accept these restrictions imposed on her.
What she read, requested plainly by Lucy, had to be re-read several times before the weight of it sank in.
[Is it possible to maintain a kind of constant meld where you are able to transpose my thoughts for me, and be my voice?]
Liara stared in surprise, nudged to react when the soldier cleared her throat quietly, and the other two leaned in out of curiosity. It felt as though a fog encased the asari's mind, her gaze slovenly trailing up until she'd met those steady eyes, forever unwavering even in the face of harrowing circumstances.
By the Goddess, it was impossible to accept any of this.
All of the asari's philosophical teachings, all of mother's patient lessons, all that wisdom ever imparted on her... It threatened to fall through the cracks in the ground in the face of darker emotions lurking and plaguing the corners of her mind, slowly entrenching themselves to take root and spread the poison. She wanted to scream when the new geth hand experimented to reach and touch her shoulder. She couldn't stop seeing the amputated hand in hers, every time she blinked.
With strenuous effort, Lucy was confined to restricting the range of her jaw, speaking mostly through clenched teeth. Most of it wasn't picked up by the translator.
Liara bit back a sigh, and leaned in to rest her forehead against the soldier. She closed her eyes for a moment. "I can try, but first we must directly meld so that I can establish a foundation for a consistent connection to thrive effortlessly in. Do I have your permis-"
There was a firm nod to cut her off.
"Alright..." She probed Lucy's consciousness, a part of her endeared that there was virtually no shackles or forces to push her out anymore. She opened her eyes as she peered deep into the soldier's. "Embrace Eternity."
Darkness comfortably embraced them, the construction taking a little longer than usual with exhaustion tailing after her. She welcomed the human's input to supplement the ground, the walls, helping create a little safe haven piece by piece. As they connected like a puzzle, it was peculiar and interesting to deduce that it seemed to be some kind of orchestral room - though it seemed as though many parts were fabricated through speculation of how such a room would look like. There were rows of chairs at the bottom, with some instruments weaving into existence.
"I see you have thoroughly enjoyed the music I played for you," Liara thought, amused. "I must admit, I'm surprised that your imagination has traversed to this level of detail."
"It was the stories those instruments told." Lucy didn't waste any time as she strode assertively, coming down the middle of the chairs as she stood on some kind of podium. She stretched her new hand out, where it faltered upon feeling the heated backlash from Liara. The soldier frowned a little. "You remind me of me, after Mindoir. Anger is a toxin, Dr. T'Soni - one that pours infinitely, if you only keep refilling it. You taught me that."
Something lashed at a cage, and Liara gritted her teeth as she tried to restrain herself. She blinked, and then she was inside of that cage, clutching the bars. The cage disappeared just as quickly, upon the next blink. This disconnect was disconcerting, and her legs instinctively backed away as the soldier calmly climbed stairs to reach her. She was backed into a corner, where that steady gaze still didn't waver, even in the face of all the chaotic emotions that threatened to consume them both here.
"You also taught me something just as vitally important: that the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack." Lucy held out with her new hand again. "Right now, you are the wolf, surrounded by your pack. Lean on us. When it hurts to look back, and it's scary to look ahead... Then you need only look beside you, Liara. We are here."
"I don't... What are you getting at?"
Oh, she knew. She heard the thoughts circulate, the plans formulate. She didn't take a liking to the suggestion that she should receive medication.
"For Goddess' sake, Luce, it's not funny anymore. I do not need-"
"I am serious. It's not a negative thing, it is medication to aid your healing process just like how I will be taking anti-inflammatory medication as I heal from my injuries. It is medication that I also utilize to assist me when I sleep, it helps me function so that I have the opportunity to heal. This is Dr. Chakwas' domain and she will certainly explain it all far better than I will, but you must employ her aid as she too is part of the medication you need. She's the most potent, if anything, because she will help you with your trauma. She knows when it's the right time to ask the right questions, to naturally encourage you to find your way. Without these aids, Liara, you will drown. Don't make the same mistake I had. I am plagued by Akuze because I have tried to go it alone, until the Alliance forced me to seek help. I wish I had done so sooner. Spare yourself that pain and lean on us. Please... Please don't let this consume you. It hurts to see you like this - feel you like this. Right now, do you feel what I fear? Do you hear what I hope for?"
Wrath was persistent, refusing to cave in. The gruesome memory wouldn't cease to torment her. She recoiled away and stepped back when the new hand reached out for her, and impulse warded it away with biotics. She couldn't bear to be touched by it.
Not when she couldn't forget the feeling of the old hand in hers.
Old. New. What deceivingly innocent labels, carrying the weight of dire connotations that have the terrifying power of changing the course of an entire life.
"Feel me," Lucy urged, "Before you drown. It's now you thrashing, causing the ripples. We're deep in the ocean, Liara. It's only us here and I refuse to let the ocean have you." The soldier pressed forward, her mind opening up last second to reveal the sudden strike, closing the distance too quickly for the slovenly fog to react. She'd embraced Liara and suddenly, the cage was back - but it was different. It was one where they were locked inside with a beast, where glowing green eyes glared at her from the corner.
It was difficult to discern the nature of whom that beast belonged to.
"Don't turn into me," Lucy whispered tenderly in the asari's aural. "In here, I feel the echoes of all our memories - good and bad. I hear someone else's voice telling you... My vigilance hurt you deeply, back then. That person - who was she? I see the university. She's telling you not to lose sight of yourself the way I have. She's right. Look how long and hard you have fought to remind me? Please, Liara, I am begging you. Don't listen to that voice that is telling you to hide away from everybody, from me, telling you that we are the threat. It's lure is strong and persuasive, but what it's really doing is tricking you so that it can siphon your strength without us intervening. Allow us to intervene before it's too late. Seek Dr. Chakwas' counsel. Seek the crew's companionship. Seek me... My love for you. I will not stop no matter what you plan right now, to push me away. The only way you will permanently get rid of me is if you poison me with your cooking."
Wry laughter somehow bubbled up to the surface, clawing out of Liara's throat. Her fingers ached - and the pain brought down upon a realization that she'd been clutching for dear life, the metaphysical presence stout and ever so consistently stubborn.
"Think on it, I implore you," Lucy murmured softly, her embrace hardening as true to her boulder ways. "I will respect and give you space when you ask for it, but please... Explore the avenues you need, not want. That voice, that voice that keeps telling you right now that you can't move forward, that you can't heal? That's bullshit. It's fucking fiction. You are Dr. Liara T'Soni, you have taught me that we are capable of achieving anything we set our mind to, so long as we hold onto that which makes us all optimistic fools. Hope. You brought me up and I refuse to accept that it is at the expense of bringing you down."
Words never ceased, the pouring of infinite emotion surrounding her, robbing her of her capability to make sense of it all. It washed over her and curbed the tides of the tsunami that waged war to drown her. She was speechless, in the face of all of this, but the feelings invoked had said everything it needed to, and she rolled her eyes when she could feel a touch of smugness from Lucy as she'd stepped away, looking on with pride.
"It is testament to the power you have, the effect you have when you touch peoples' lives," Lucy said. "I had been witness to it when you were recovering from what transpired on Noveria, where the crew often checked in on you. Helen and Addison came multiple times a day, even though Dr. Chakwas' prognosis warned that it would take time, that you would not suddenly wake up in the later half of the day, if there was no progress in the morning. But they still came, even knowing that they had to put up with me. I was regrettably unkind, then, giving them tasks to push them away. And still they kept coming. Helen reached out to bond with me, and I was learning to attempt it - though I don't know how successful I was, at the time. But that is what you have done. You are like... Like a guardian angel. Please allow me the opportunity to attempt to be the same for you. No matter how scary this path will be, I will be beside you every step of the way, because we will do this together. We will both move forward, Liara. I will not take a step on my own and leave you behind, no matter how strongly you wish of it."
"Commander," another voice joined, though bodiless. Dr. Chakwas. "I don't know if you can hear me, but we are docking at the Citadel now. The Council is calling for a meeting if you're able."
There was a moment of desperation, then, until it was swept away with a resolution to take a leap of faith. Lucy parted from her embrace, despite wanting to cling and suffocate this agony entrenched in Liara. She remained somewhat numb, as if coasting aimlessly. She watched, felt, but her mind was devoid of anything that didn't revolve around the dreaded memories. There was something inside of her screaming to listen, rattling the cage, repeating Lucy's words.
All the soldier did was smile at her, a patient and firm resolve that seemed confident in the outcome.
"Take the time you need, Liara. Please think on what I've said - listen to this memory rather than that memory. Let us end the meld, now. I should begin preparing, and you should catch up on sleep."
"But your voice...?" Liara muttered absentmindedly.
No answer was given as Shepard focused her efforts on disconnecting, and though it took time to try to figure out how to do such a thing, the environment began to dismantle itself piece by piece. They were left floating and drifting, where the only stubborn answer she received was the same old infuriating one.
"It's not a problem. I will be fine."
Darkness surrounded them, and Liara reluctantly ended the meld as she pulled her consciousness out. There was an entire new wave of exhaustion slamming into her, and she swore she was going to pass out upon her feet. A metal hand cupped her elbow and supported her, while Lucy had began the arduous process of climbing out of the plinth, joints - what little was left - cracking and popping along the way. She turned to Dr. Chakwas, and Liara groaned over what was said - along with the stubbornness to push past what was surely painful, slowly speaking even with that cheek injury.
"Dr. Chakwas, if appropriate, could you please prescribe Dr. T'Soni the same medication that I'm on? She needs assistance sleeping."
"I don't need alpra-"
"It's not alprazolam," Lucy interjected sternly, her cutting gaze digging into the asari as it left no room for debate. "It is what I use so that I do not dream." A small smile, though it almost seemed... Sad, but, it wasn't that? It was a strange sight to see, to be sure, one not seen before. "It is my turn to pester you for sleep. I will prepare my quarters if they are not too far damaged, before I leave to meet with the Council."
"I will have to do a psychological assessment and get Dr. T'Soni's current weight before I decide what or if to prescribe anything," Dr. Chakwas stated firmly, hopping quickly onto this opportunity that had already been denied multiple times.
Liara was baffled by the thought that the doctor seemed to think she'd have better success just because Lucy was commanding it.
"Haven't they learned? It is not the first time I've not heeded Shepard. I don't have to. I don't want to, I don't need to the way they think I do. Am I not allowed to feel what I am feeling?"
"However Commander, I would refrain from speaking whenever you can." Dr. Chakwas came up to inspect the bandages on the soldier's cheek, carefully peeling it away to replace it. "Pain is a signal to be respected. You will continue to re-injure yourself with the nature of this one, and it will not be allowed it's due time to heal."
Liara shuddered and immediately averted her gaze when the ghastly stitches and grafted cheek was revealed.
"I have an idea, Commander," Tali quietly piped up. "I anticipated this, and I have been designing something in my omni-tool for you. I can try to engineer a device that connects to your implant and transcribes your thoughts, similar to how it functions when sending directives to your limbs. It will hopefully prove to be more efficient than typing in your omni-tool to communicate. Th-that is... If you're okay with me attempting this?"
There was hesitance - mostly on the asari's part. She dreaded looking over, but she had to know. She watched on in eternal worry as the soldier seemed to be typing her response in her omni-tool, before it was showed to the quarian. Tali was elated by whatever it was, her response ominous as she briskly left the med-bay on her newfound mission.
"I'll get to work right away, I'll try to have it done before your meeting with the Council!"
Dr. Chakwas nonchalantly assisted Lucy as she got off the plinth, where there were simple range of motion tests done as the strength of the cybernetics' connections were deemed stable. It all seemed like a natural process, like there was nothing wrong with any of this. The Commander deemed herself ready to keep moving forward and that was that. Where was her psychological assessment? Was what she was going through not more concerning and compelling of one? But then the doctor gave a squeeze of the shoulder - what little organic was left.
"You need only call me if you require anything, Commander."
Lucy nodded resolutely, her words a little garbled as she tried to respect her restrictions. "Thank you, Karin. I'll try not to be gone long." Her gaze met the asari's, and it softened with that strange emotion again. She walked over with a subtle smile that screamed that emotion. She seemed to want to embrace, though refrained from it as her hands fell back to her sides. There was something she knew that she wasn't going to shed light on, instead parroting the meld. "Think on it, I implore you."
With that, she left.
Life was moving forward - yet she still felt stuck, as if she would never get out of here. Dr. Chakwas quietly collected two chairs.
And Liara escaped.
Compulsion guided her feet to follow the soldier, though she had no goal. Lucy glanced over her shoulder and they'd made eye contact, but thankfully nothing was said. Or perhaps the pain was too great? There was no omni-tool shoved in the asari's face either. She followed Shepard into her quarters, up to the closet. She stood behind, awkwardly, shifting her weight when that steady gaze fell on her. She could feel an expectation to explain herself, but it wasn't pulled from her. She didn't know how to explain this away anyways. There was a thoughtlessness that had captivated her, and thankfully it was respected as the silence continued to stretch between them. She watched as Lucy elected to don a turtleneck, and hastily moved in to assist when she'd seen the soldier quietly struggle.
Nothing was said, though there was a brief kiss pressed to her forehead afterwards, lingering. She felt something soft wrap around her shoulders then, and chuckled when she spotted the ugliest blush pink in her peripheral vision. She hugged the blasted robe tightly around herself as she continued to observe Lucy, donning tactical gloves for some reason.
"Are you preparing for a battle with the Council?" Liara teased, though the playfulness was halfhearted, muted by the dark cloud hanging over her mind.
Bandages became crooked, and the soldier sucked in a sharp breath. Her smile was a little strained, then, hitching lopsided on the last set of corners of her lips. Pain seemed to remind her when instinct tried to smile the way she used to - yet another thing robbed of her right now... But it didn't slow her down. Lucy engaged her omni-tool once she was done and began to type, turning her tool towards Liara at the end.
[They will not take kindly to the fact that I am equipped with geth technology, the very technology they are content with blindly blaming Saren for, rather than acknowledging the Reapers' existence. They will see me as a threat and a potential ally of his, and I cannot afford to be bureaucratized with red tape if the Alliance catches wind of illegal modifications. I never reported that I had lost my arm to begin with, so let them assume I am still as I always have been. At least, I am hoping I will be able to get away with this. I am mitigating the risks of them revoking my Spectre status if they rush to their usual hasty conclusions, with their track record of not believing a thing I say.]
Liara frowned. "What will be the point of this meeting, then? Do you think they are aware that Saren has launched an attack on us?"
Long minutes passed as Lucy delved back in to type. The asari took it upon herself and cupped the remaining cheek, leaning in to connect their foreheads. But Lucy stepped back with a shake of her head, waving her omni-tool to gesture that she preferred to type instead. She held it out, the flow of her message somewhat disjointed.
[Navigator Pressly would have filed a report, or he should have. And they need to know the nature of the Normandy's damages before funds are approved for repairs. No more melding. You need to conserve your energy and rest, I am fine with this. I promise. The point of this meeting is negligent. I am planning in the event of them not believing me, but they have requested a meeting and I answer to them as Spectre. I will report the evidence regardless and it will be up to them to interpret it however they wish. Regardless of their stance, I am not planning to let them stop me in my pursuit of Saren.]
"Can I come?"
There was another suck of breath, pain reminding Lucy to be mindful of her expressions when she tried to frown. There was clear disapproval, but also contemplation. The soldier seemed to arrive to the conclusion that T'Soni was going to remain stubborn herself over. A simple answer shielded much of true thought, though it did not take much to speculate the nature of it.
[Yes.]
That strange emotion made its appearance. Liara didn't dare bring it to light, to question.
She was afraid of the answer.
Lucy fixed the velcro straps of her gloves, going to great lengths to manipulate the fabric of her turtleneck so that there were no rigid outlines, betraying what truly hid beneath. She soon fired off messages on her omni-tool, her speed gradually increasing with cruel practice. Liara swore she saw Dr. Chakwas and Helen as part of the recipients to some of the messages, and an ominous feeling brewed in her stomach then. She was left without explanation when the soldier carried off in her usual dizzying brisk pace, her shoulders square as they always were when on a mission. The robe was thrown on the bed as Liara jogged to catch up.
Dr. Chakwas met with them in the mess, and that ominous feeling grew. Paranoia festered biotics in case if the Commander was trying to set up some kind of forceful intervention.
None that came to pass, as they continued to go up to the CiC, the silence in the slowly growing group making bugs skitter along Liara's nerves. She didn't know what to make of the situation when Helen, Addison and Talitha - with Lucky on her shoulder and crutches tucked under her armpits - came in tow. Chief Williams and Garrus joined them by the elevator before they embarked to C-Sec. Tali never came, probably still trying to see if she could actually engineer her idea. The crowd in the elevator made heat collect rapidly, and Liara was feeling stuffy. A smile was forced from her when she noticed Lucy subtle shifting away to keep her distance, her silent cry for much-desired space.
"She's never going to change."
There was solace in that. No matter what, the fundamentals would never change.
The Survivor of Mindoir. The Lone Wolf. The Commander of the Normandy. The First Human Spectre.
But now... She was the wolf of this pack. She was still more than all of those titles, though. The fundamentals that would never change: she was a lover of boring procedural shows, a lover of improvised engineering, a lover of revenge, a lover of fishing, a lover of fuzzy insects, a lover of knowledge. She moved forward the way she had from day one of meeting Liara, her head held high, unyielding to whatever life threw at her. She was the same, and yet she was still somehow different.
{You also taught me something just as vitally important: that the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.}
She was still a wolf, but not alone anymore.
Down at the end of the elevator ride, the group followed the leader. Lucy stopped to engage her omni-tool, sending off messages, and Liara watched who was selected for each message as one omni-tool lit up after another. She was the very last. The group dispersed, with core individuals remaining. Helen cheered and ran off with Addison and Talitha chasing her, yelling something about Chora's Den. Garrus slithered away and mentioned he'd be down by the markets to shop for gun attachments, which sparked interest in Chief Williams to do the same. Dr. Chakwas went off on some kind of mission to check on the Wards' clinic and how Dr. Chloe Michel was doing.
"What was the point of bringing everyone together, if only to make them all go away?" Liara wondered. An entertaining thought passed when Lucy turned to face her, those pyjak eyes at full sullen force. The asari crossed her arms with a smirk. "Have you hit your limit?"
There wasn't any hesitance in that fervent nod, and T'Soni laughed.
It... Drove a point, though. There was life around them, life moving forward with or without them. Lucy stood, waiting, hands stuffed in pockets. People moved around her. It felt like Liara never could, though. She was rooted to the ground, some invisible force petrifying her feet. The soldier calmly approached, her gloved hand outstretched. Her new hand.
Liara still couldn't take it, and that memory bled behind her eyes every time she blinked. Her eyes burned with unshed tears, and she tried to remain strong.
She fell apart when Lucy embraced her, whispering in her aural despite that she shouldn't.
"It's okay to. Let's go to my apartment so that you can cry for as long as you feel you need to, safe from prying eyes. We'll all be ready, here for you, when you are ready too."
"We'll all be ready?" Liara wondered, hiding her face in Lucy's neck as she pondered on the meaning. She was led by the elbow, where there was a silent respect for a request she never asked aloud, where the hands never intertwined with hers. She blushed when she'd realized that the apartment in question was the very one attached to the Chora's Den, and anxiety drove a rocket in her heart when she remembered Helen's last words. "C-Commander, the others are going to be there."
Lucy simply nodded. She knew, and she was still going to?
Liara closed her eyes before they entered the strip club, feeling old familiar feelings upon being led through here - but at least she wasn't embarrassingly carried the way that she was. She waited until the tips of her toes were hitting stair after stair, opening her eyes. She was surprised at whom she'd seen at the top, at Lucy's door. The trio that spelled ominous danger, and the wide grin Helen wore.
"Y'got a nice place here, Commander. Hit me up if you ever think about sellin' it."
"Starting price is 2 million credits," Lucy answered flatly.
Liara laughed at the way Lowe's jaw dropped, and Addison's eyes bulged. One look was all it took for the asari to figure out that the fisher was just doing the baiting.
But... Why were they all here? There wasn't time given as Lucy unlocked the door to lead them inside. The trio seemed to be on a mission, suddenly cleaning up the place and taking provocative paintings off the walls. Addison regularly chastised Helen and Talitha for accruing a little stash for themselves to keep. Lucy walked off to the kitchen, and the asari hesitantly followed. She observed and was wary of the fact that there was now tea around here, when last they left this place was on their personal mission to buy some. She was having a hard time trying to figure out what the soldier was planning, suspicious for the others to tag team her in compelling her to just accept trauma and begin healing already. She was slow on the uptake when a mug of tea was offered to her, and Lucy misconstrued it, engaging her omni-tool to type and explain.
[I did not put any drugs in it. I made sure you have been able to see my every move as I brewed it.]
"N-no, I... I didn't think that you would..." Liara accepted the mug, clutching and absorbing the warmth in her hands.
Warmth she wouldn't ever get to feel from the soul across from her.
These treacherous thoughts wouldn't stop tormenting her. She wanted to move past it, she wanted to see that there was more to Lucy than just hands. There was more to her. There was so much to her, layers that were still covered in layers. It was a never ending mystery, unearthing more to her. There seemed to be some kind of knowing realization that only the soldiers in this apartment were privy to. In the background, Helen and Talitha were regaling old tales of missions past. Addison sombrely brought up the memories of marines, passed.
Death surrounded them. Sacrifices were demanded of them. Pain entrenched their souls.
Yet they still moved forward.
"Phantom pain," Lucy murmured, straining with her cheek injury in the way. She held up her new hand and flexed the fist. "I am not the only one feeling it right now. You are too, in a way."
That strange emotion appeared again, tugging the corner of her lips in a melancholic smile. She approached, closing the distance before Liara's legs could think to go back, and she'd been drawn in an embrace again. Her eyes burned more freely then, as tender words sighed in her aural.
"Whenever you are ready, Liara... They are prepping the room. The others will join us here, soon. All of us will talk and share pains and memories, whatever we feel like talking about in the moment. You can too, if you feel ready to. If you don't, that's okay too. It doesn't have to be about what happened on the Normandy - you can talk about anything, if you'd like. I will signal the end of the session when I share things last, and then I must depart for my meeting with the Council."
So there was something organized after all.
"Everybody has something they have trapped inside," Lucy continued, "Trying to suffocate it, hoping it dies. You can lock it in a cage underwater and it still survives. The only way to free it is to let it outside. If you do not want talks held in general, then let me know now, and I will put an end to it. No one will think anything of you. We don't want to push you, only to encourage something that perhaps would be appealing to you, with how good you are at listening and understanding people. And perhaps hearing others' perspectives about Akuze will help me continue my healing process too."
"All of this..." Liara's brow pinched, and she'd wound her arms tightly around the boulder of a human. There was a whirlwind of emotions, then, of reflections and realizations and awes. "All of this, coming from the one who once told me that I could not even inquire of the circumstances behind her cybernetics."
But she still wasn't ready. She couldn't be, it was simply impossible. Though... She had been witness herself that there was someone very near and dear that had likely been thinking the same. They had all this time to come to terms with it. Perhaps it was impossible in this moment, but someday, it would be possible. Lucy was proof of that, right here in this moment, in the flesh, despite what Liara remembered of the meld.
{Right now, do you feel what I fear? Do you hear what I hope for?}
That fear that maybe they couldn't heal, too far damaged to be able to.
And that hope that being scared was still okay, because it meant that they were about to do something really, really brave.
Lips pressed above her aural, a comforting hearth of a warmth seeping in through her skin. She could still feel Lucy's essence, the depth of empathy that this human was capable of. She had withstood all the pains and tortures this universe threw at her and still did not break, but rather, it fuelled her innate instinct to connect to others and empower them, to show them that there was still more to life than all this agony. Liara couldn't help but smile at the most recent blasphemous memory.
{Helen has become a daughter to me. Not legally, of course. Not yet. But her dossier revealed she has been orphaned all her life. She deserves the joy of a parent.}
There Lucy was at it, again, making such serious commitments with ease and tenacity. Liara was willing to bet all her credits that Helen didn't have a single clue about what machinations were now at play, behind the scenes. It was wildly entertaining just to imagine the look on her face, if Lucy delivered the adoption documentation. Knowing Helen, she would probably laugh it up and play along just for fun.
"I must see this through."
Never before had it been so terrifyingly humble that this is what helped nudge her, encouraging her to at least consider moving forward.
...Because the wolf was moving forward with her pack.