Chapter 39: The Catalyst
Dr. Chakwas revealed that at times, she was disturbed by the dissonance of what she must do as a doctor. Her recent experience of how she had to treat the soldiers injured by the geth attack had forced her to relive some memories, yet she had to push past them to do her job. She expressed troubles for the marines she had to break to reset bones properly, forced to give aid without basic supplies in order to stabilize critical injuries, wishing she had the foresight at the time that they only needed to wait a few hours for the Normandy to be secured, before taking such drastic actions for some of the marines. She recalled a harrowing experience of being forced to perform amputation without anaesthesia, and Addison remarked a similar experience in her unit in a past mission, confessing she still had nightmares of the marine's screams.
Addison, Helen and Talitha all felt some measure of failure and inferiority for not having done more during the geth attack. They expressed it more or less after having learned that fellow marines perished. It was a shock that Talitha was actually the most vocal and expressive of the three, relishing in the comfort that the pyjak gave her as she soldered her attention on Lucky the entire time she'd struggled through sharing her honest thoughts. Helen got a smack over the head from Addison over her incredulous belief that Talitha wasn't a robot wearing skin after all.
Chief Williams expressed her feelings, also feeling like she'd felt like she had failed both the Commander and Lieutenant Alenko, resulting in his death. It came as a shock - something that seemed peculiarly omitted from Shepard's Virmire report - that Ashley was the one who pulled the trigger on Wrex. It was something to ask Lucy to unveil the true circumstances surrounding his death.
Garrus had felt he'd not done or pushed enough as a C-Sec officer, regretting his inaction and lack of persistence that had resulted in malicious criminals escaping.
Every one seemed to be feeling as though they had failed someone, and each time, Lucy was resolute in her insistence - though stoic in her usual way - that nobody ever failed anyone. It was endearing to see the soldier struggle even now, confusion alight in the subtleties of her expressions, puzzled as to why her attempts to comfort had fallen through.
"If only it was as easy as to hear that you are not a failure - to cease feeling it."
Impending doom came as each took their turn in the impromptu circle, scattered about on the furniture of the room. Liara fought equally hard to ignore that she was on the stained gaudy heart-shaped loveseat with Lucy, yet ironically soldering to it as a distraction to escape the thoughts that plagued her. Her turn was coming... And it went, when she shook her head as all eyes expectantly fell on her.
Silence stretched, and though nobody pressed, she could feel the pressures of those hopeful eyes, hear the silent cries for her to try. She just couldn't. Her gaze averted to the ground, glaring at it as if it personally slighted her. The memories were too terrifying. She couldn't make some of them real.
With her insistence to stay locked up, the final person to have their turn - and consequently signal the end of this session - was Lucy. It became yet another distraction to hold onto, to ignore the images that bled behind eyes, as Liara glanced over to observe the intricacies of anxiety worming through the soldier's fidgeting. Akuze was going to be a major thing for her to talk about.
"But she's forcing herself to be ready - for me - when she's not."
Solidarity itched at her hand to reach over to collect Lucy's hand in hers, but to this day, she still had yet to determine whether or not such a public display of even the slightest amount of affection was acceptable in front of the crew. She damned it all and decided to deal with whatever consequence may come, stopping before she'd had the chance to start when Lucy's gaze suddenly snapped to hers.
"I feel as though my words will be used against me, soon," the soldier smiled pitifully. Her eyes turned back to the others. "I have been telling each of you that none of you have failed, and I stand by that. If there is an example of failure, it is me. And I am choosing to continue to do so, the longer I choose to be selfish and silent."
"What is she getting at?" Liara's brow pinched, puzzled, as that sense of dread had grown inside of her - a dread she thought was only because she'd felt obliged to share.
"I have felt the wounds before they bleed," Lucy explained cryptically, "I have seen that which is trapped inside, trying to suffocate, hoping it dies. It's locked in the cage underwater. I have been the source of discordance, forcing someone into war where their feelings battle with their compassion for life. Precious lives I've yet again stolen." She looked back at the asari. "As well as a loss I've not given my condolences for, condemning you to suffer even more as you withdraw to hide - perhaps feeling the need to hide because you've not felt support."
Confusion enraptured the crew and all of this vagueness was beginning to be maddening, though perhaps what was more maddening was the inkling of understanding as to where exactly this was all coming from. Liara didn't like the implications, and the fires she'd been trying to suffocate until extinguished had been reignited. Anger buzzed hard at the plain apology.
"I am sorry for Kaleema and Neekoo, that you had to witness their states with an unprepared mind."
"Their... States... That's what you have to say about what you did to them? Unprepared, yes, I would wager anyone would be, walking back into that room, witnessing what truly little was left."
Teeth clenched. Ice coated Liara's glare as she stared at the Commander, bristling at the simplest touch when the soldier reached for her knee. She immediately scooted over to the end of the couch and shifted her eyes back to the floor.
"I am sorry over what you had gone through," Lucy continued, "And what you had experienced during your meld with Benezia. I mourn and commend her sacrifice as well, for-"
"She had no choice," Liara seethed under her breath. "It was not one she willingly made, but one thrust upon her. A fate I share," a bitter laugh, "It seems it runs in the family."
Rage was thrumming along her nerves, and she was struggling to keep the lid on it, to keep derailing her thoughts when it was what consumed a majority of her mind. That these parts still leaked somehow during her meld with Shepard was a risk she'd known she was taking, but was naively confident that she could keep it locked away - or at least, subdued enough. It was the source of her chaos as she tried to create harmony with this anger she'd felt, directed at Lucy, alongside the feelings she'd felt as well. She understood the reason, why the soldier had killed Kaleema and Neekoo. She understood.
That understanding only contributed to the volatile war inside of her.
How was she supposed to reconcile these facts, these feelings, this chaos and trauma? Lucy could try her hand and issue this sentimental drivel all she wanted, it would do nothing to the wrath searing inside. It fed it instead. The eyes that coaxed and pleaded her to reveal more had fallen on deaf aurals. Her fingers gnawed into the fabric of her lap, refusing to look anywhere else but the floor.
This silence was maddening.
"End this already," Liara pleaded quietly, hoping the soldier would cease this foolishness now that she'd committed the grave sin of drudging up that which was toiled away to bury.
With a curt wave of the hand, the crew moved upon the wordless signal. Lucy seemed to be containing something, but at this point, it was becoming increasingly hard to empathize anymore. The toxin was injected, coursing in Liara's system. She was trying to coach herself not to grind her teeth so hard when the pain shot across her jaw, reminding her of the pain the soldier was willingly subjecting herself to, speaking with her injury. Compassion was squashed over and over again with each fresh strike of anger.
Nerves skittered upon the sigh of finality that the soldier had audaciously taken, one she had no right to make. Lucy pushed off from the couch and had approached the trio of marines, their words quiet amongst themselves. Liara tuned in, catching wind of more apologies over losses. A bitter part wryly lashed out and sneered over the Commander's callous choice of words, still ever so unfeeling and unaware of the weight of it all.
State.
Death was just a state to her, nothing more profound or invoking than that.
"It's not her fault, though..."
But it was hard to remember that, with all these feelings.
Bodies dispersed, with Lucy making some kind of official announcement that shore leave for them was in effect, until she would revoke it - and presumed it would be when the Normandy was repaired. There was a dreadful estimation that it may take a few days, rather than a few hours... Of course. Of course, with Liara's luck, it would take a few days. She understood, and still that understanding contributed to the volatile war. No engineer could work miracles in a few hours with the extent of damages the Normandy had suffered.
Doom and gloom hung like a thick cloud over her head when she'd listened to the thudding of crutches and footsteps, accompanied by the multiple instances of the door hissing when Lucy was done speaking to each individual crew member present. There was an inordinate amount of sniggering following Helen after her conversation, possibly due to finding out the Commander's intention to adopt her.
That excitement before to see it all through had now fallen through.
Numb, Liara continued to stare at the ground, an inner desire wishing for it to grant her all the answers she needed right now. She didn't look forward to being left alone with Shepard. She couldn't handle any more of this detached way of dealing with emotions, this cold and calculating approach to such life-changing revelations.
"Is she ever going to understand what it means to me to lose Kaleema and Neekoo? I understand in their line of work, they lose friends often, but I have also come to understand that they all have accepted this risk and the possibility their work will claim their life. They already have some measure to be prepared. But who expects to lose a childhood friend, involved - not by choice, as usual - in this life?"
Wounds were ripped open, stitches she precariously and hastily sewn in the scraps of time she had between melds. It aggravated her that Lucy had still had these glimpses in these melds - aggravated her because Lucy would have felt it the way she did, and yet empathy and compassion was still muted by the soldier. Or perhaps she had lost the means to be capable.
Firm footsteps approached. Lucy stood before her, and it made it feel as though bugs were crawling under Liara's skin. Every muscle spindle and fibre screamed at her to run out of here. Upon hearing the soldier's sigh, she nearly did, ready to break and fall apart from that alone.
"Someday, I hope you will be able to heal," Lucy murmured. "I realize I cannot force that upon you, that it is something you will come to be ready for, in your own pace and time."
"You expect me to heal at all, after everything that's happened?" Bitterness lashed icily. Liara's fingers ached as they clawed and bunched up the fabric of her suit in her lap. "Why did you bring it up, Shepard?"
"Lucy, please."
It went ignored, unaware. Trying not to, anyways. "I was doing so well trying not to think about it, and-"
"In doing so, you will never heal. That rift would always remain, then, as you try to consolidate how you feel for me, versus how you feel about what I did."
Lucy knelt, getting in the asari's line of view as she'd bent down to force eye contact. Liara immediately looked elsewhere every time there was an attempt to maintain the gaze, growing annoyed by the stubborn insistence that went on for minutes far too long. She snapped and glared at the soldier, who didn't seem the least bit disturbed or shocked by her ire.
"She's doing it again."
That irritating thing of hers, that damn acceptance, willing to withstand any promised pain. The consequences sometimes felt cheapened by that resolve, as if Lucy wasn't truly aware what it all meant.
Perhaps she'd known more than she'd let on - even to herself.
"I will forever appreciate what you have done and continue to do for me, Liara, and I will forever cherish these feelings you have invoked within me. I will forever be captivated by you. That will never change." Lucy gently grabbed one of the asari's calves, squeezing with impersonal gloved fingers. "But I will not continue to fail you. I will not continue to be silent and selfish."
That dread exploded, then, as there was something subdued in the subtleties of... Of hesitance? Of heavy weight, of some sort, dire in Lucy's tone. Liara reluctantly looked into the soldier's eyes.
And regretted it.
"I've damaged you," Lucy's voice cracked.
Something warbled in her eyes. Her mouth opened and closed. Liara was suddenly cast out, drifting, feeling as though there was something carrying her against her will. She wanted to yell 'stop' and at the same time, a part of her begged for release, for relief, even if it brought more pain and anger... But at least it would only be for a short time.
Right?
"You have not yet healed from the harm I've inflicted back when you've learned that I had been lying to you about Benezia, breaking your trust in me. Trust is not so easily gotten. And you continue to be harmed, breaking yourself further as your compassion struggles in attempts to continue to support me. At the time, at the university, when I warned your compassion would get you killed someday... I had failed to realize that I would be the one that kills you - what makes you, you."
"Stop."
"Moving forward, you are prohibited-" Lucy's voice cracked again.
"Stop," Liara whispered, but it went unheeded.
"I don't know how to help you heal, and I can't force you to be ready. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you either. I think these things... I think they happen naturally. I hope they do. I know I'm part of the problem, the pain you have to heal from." Lucy rose to her feet and stepped back. "I will continue to hope that someday you will be able to heal. At the very least, asari longevity will assist in that you will, eventually."
"Stop, I'm not-"
"These relations between us will cease. I will hereby be your Commander, and disobeying my orders will have actual consequences this time."
"I don't care about the consequences," Liara seethed, rage surfacing that this was the damn conclusion the soldier reached, the damn solution she determined to fix things. "Do you really think-"
"You'll break yourself by trying to support me. You need to support yourself first, and in order to do so, you need to heal. I am a continuing hindrance to that process. I am being a tree, when I need to be the forest. My roots have been suffocating yours, making your forest wilt, and-"
"Stop with these analogies! For the love of the Goddess, you can't just coldly explain things away and have this mentality that you must 'push past', that you must endure what's hurting us. Enduring it isn't resolving it! I've seen what's been plaguing you in the meld as well, and you're not as accepting as you've been trying to be. Or are we only going to rip off the covers on me, here?"
"I can see that you're angry," Lucy started, and the asari rolled her eyes with a bitter laugh.
Agony lashed out without thought, regret immediately sinking fangs in thereafter. Far too late. "How far you've come to at least be able to recognize that, finally."
Eyes softened, but soon disappeared when that bloody emotionless stoic face returned. Lucy settled in her military stance, her tone returned to a monotone tranquility. "Shore leave is in effect until further announcement. Please remain on the Citadel or inform somebody if you decide to travel anywhere. You must request permission to go off-station first." The soldier briskly walked by, heading for the exit. She turned and waited by the door as she gestured to it. "I have to lock my apartment up before I leave for my meeting with the Council."
Fury dictated footsteps as Liara marched over and past, seething. "Would I even get that permission? Or are you going to make me suffer by keeping me around?"
More regret - still, far too late. Her heart plummeted to her stomach and she was thrown into chaos itself, storming off as soon as she heard the faint words, fading in and out of existence.
"You have permission to leave, if you so desire."
Permission was denied to enter the Citadel Tower, the heart of the Council's chambers. Liara wasn't shocked, and her arm fell as she disengaged her omni-tool, her ID no longer needed. She'd been too spent and exhausted to even feel anger anymore, instead entrenched in this hollow void that clung to her. She was, as the common human term was, dumped, and now proved to have also been expelled from Shepard's inner team.
"She's not going to get very far if she doesn't find out about what information mother gave me. Her sacrifice will have meant nothing, if Luc... The Commander doesn't know."
There was a very real advantage Saren had, if mother was correct in 'them' attaining the information from her too, somehow. How powerful was indoctrination, that there need not even be a direct connection in the presence of a Reaper? It was terrifying... Violating. Something sparked to life within her, a newfound anger over such tainted wretchedness. Even Shepard could not take this away from her, her need to see this through to the end. Liara waited by the elevator, of which the Commander would depart from after her meeting.
Hours passed. She checked her omni-tool often, mentally walking through what she remembered of the chambers. There was no other exit, unless Shepard was invited into the Council's private rooms. Perhaps they had some kind of exit there, then, but the chances were slim. The Commander would be eager to react upon whatever information or permission she'd receive.
"Armed with the reports from Saren's attack, the Council surely will provide aid in order to address this threat the way it should have been from the start."
Liara paced about, ignoring the looks she garnered from C-Sec officers that patrolled the area. She had hoped she was still at the very least classified as part of the Normandy crew, in case if they were to approach and apprehend on suspicion. She didn't have time.
"We're running out of it, the longer the Commander stays up there."
She couldn't very well break into the elevator though, if permission was denied. She went to the Presidium railing, forced to observe in order to quell all the racing thoughts and emotions. The buzzing under her skin never stopped. She felt as though she was a ticking bomb, further incensed by this feeling of abandonment. Once again, Shepard was not communicating with her, having reached a decision on her own. When would she realize that a relationship required communication and cooperation from both parties, rather than one holding the reins?
A relationship that was no more.
What a bitter end, a sour taste poisoning her mouth. After all they'd been through, all she'd done, all the pain she accepted and all the turmoil invoked in her, and... And now it was cast aside.
It was all for nothing.
Liara watched as politicians entered the elevator, recognizing one of the human ambassadors that was steaming in his pursuit of it. She couldn't quite remember his name, but she briefly recalled some vid-calls of him complaining to Shepard about the political nightmares she was causing. The asari ran after him as he entered the elevator.
"Wait! I have a report for Commander Shepard!" Liara held out her hand, smiling when it seemed he was further disgruntled upon recognizing her. He sighed as he held his hand forward in the path of the doors' sensors to the elevator. She settled in beside him, her heart pounding with fear that she'd tried to play off nonchalantly. He didn't appear to be updated as to her new status as a crew member, and she wasn't particularly heartbroken for taking advantage of it when she'd listened to his ranting on the elevator ride up.
"You are not the only one she is causing a nightmare for," Liara thought sardonically.
If the human ambassador was on his way - well into at least two hours of this meeting, then something truly wrong must have happened. Has the Council grown tired of Shepard shopping for robes on her omni-tool? Has the incident with the riot shields escalated further? This place was the centre of awe, where decisions here affected trillions of lives. The Council would do what they needed to ensure they retained power and control of that. Had the reports of what Saren had done somehow breached Council interest? Perhaps they had their own machinations at play, now exposed, and now there was a political fallout for all of humanity.
None that seemed to be true, upon the doors opening and Liara matching the ambassador's fervent rush for the chambers. She immediately diverted her path upon recognizing the back of Chief Williams, waiting dutifully. The ambassador appeared to argue with her, briefly, before storming up the stairs. There wasn't anywhere close enough that Liara could safely get in order to listen to what was being discussed on the forum.
"This is a waste of time. They're talking, rather than acting. There must be something we can do while the Normandy is being repaired. Couldn't the Council grant us a ship that will allow us to pursue Saren to the Mu Relay, and wherever he intends to traverse using that relay? Mother said the relay was lost four thousand years ago. There must be something of significance there."
They could - they might, if they only know of the Mu Relay. She had to risk it.
Mother's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain because of stubborn people.
Readying herself for perhaps the most scandalous act of her life, she broke out into a run and prepared her biotics in the event someone tried to subdue her. She knew C-Sec would see her as suspicious and rush to apprehend her, assuming she might've had malicious intent. Her hand was forced when Ashley recognized her, whom stepped in the way to block the stairs.
"Let me through," Liara urged, "I have to tell the Commander-"
"You can't disturb her," Williams stated sternly. Her head cocked to the side as she saw a couple of officers move in, and she seemed conflicted for a moment. She quickly took the asari's hand and held out a free one of her own, towards the officers. "Easy. She's in my unit - urgent report."
For a moment, Liara wondered if the Chief knew... An answer she unfortunately got in the form of narrowing eyes, sinking a dagger into her.
"You better actually have something to tell her, T'Soni. I don't want to be the next one kicked off the Commander's team over a personal dispute between you two."
"It's not that, I promise. She needs to know - I didn't tell her about... With everything that was g-going on, and, the thing is - with my meld, with..."
So many words were slamming her, and she kept hopping about in her explanations, watching confusion take over Ashley's face. Liara shook her head and gestured to the stairs.
"She needs to know. The Council needs to know. We can find Saren-"
"They plan to do nothing even with all the information in the universe," Ashley spat spitefully. "The Commander is trying to convince them to relegate resources to aid us. They're content to sweep the matter under the rug and apparently the attack on the Normandy means that Saren is nothing more than a pirate now."
"W-what...?" Liara's brow pinched, looking up at the stairs. "So the ambassador is here to help the Commander convince them?"
"Yeah right," Ashley laughed wryly, "Udina's a sleazeball who will backstab anyone just to try and get himself a seat on the Council. He's there to side with them and get the Commander to stand down."
"So we can't... Do anything...?"
"Lookin' like that, yeah," the soldier scoffed, raking a weary hand through her bangs as she blew out an exasperated sigh. "This is just adding to the list of reasons why I hate politicians. Then once there's an explosion, they're gonna be tripping over each other to point fingers and blame someone. All my bets are on them blaming the Commander."
Despair loomed. Liara wasn't sure how much more her heart could take anymore. She was too slow on the uptake to realize what exactly was the reason for the disapproval that marred the face she was torn to see right now, as Shepard descended the stairs. Her rigid posture betrayed nothing. She still seemed like she was in business mode, on a purposeful mission, which seemed promising. But she shook her head when her eyes connected with Ashley's. The soldier seemed to want to reach towards Liara, to grab her elbow, perhaps, but hadn't. She briskly walked by with a jerk of her head for them to follow her.
Out of earshot from any potential eavesdroppers, Chief Williams asked what the asari dreaded the answer to.
"So? Did the Council chang-"
"They're not going to help us," Shepard interjected stoically - an action and sign of feeling some underlying frustration herself, when she frowned upon such rude behaviour. Her report was accompanied by a pinch of her nose, followed by a strained sigh. "They've threatened to revoke my Spectre status if I go against their order. We're to cease our mission, now classified as completed."
"What?" Liara asked, baffled, ignoring the look cast over at her - where eyes screamed she clearly did not belong here. She didn't care for whatever consequences were in store for disobeying an order that was never technically given. "So that's it? Saren is free to operate without resistance?"
"Yes." Shepard shrugged as she looked ahead, seemingly at nothing, hints of weariness etched upon her expression. She really seemed to be struggling to understand this course of logic. "They have confidence that, now robbed of purpose, he will make a mistake. He'll stumble upon and be apprehended by space patrols, just like that... After everything we've had to do just to get what we could on him. They think he's grasping at straws and lashing out in anger now that we've destroyed his base of operations on Virmire. Ambassador Udina has secured permanent residence for the Normandy in the bay until further notice. We're grounded, prohibited to do anything until the Council gives me a new mission or order."
Oh, how Liara could relate all to well, right now.
"And we're going to obey them?" Liara challenged, a part of her somewhat disturbed and surprised of this rebellious nature inside of her.
A part of her equally surprised that there was a rebel in the Commander too, who said nothing.
That subtle smirk said everything though.
Something compelled Liara to tease, as she looked at the direction of the soldier's gaze and smile. "Mm. Yes. That is indeed a happy looking elevator, Commander."
War erupted within her upon hearing the soldier's cherished chuckle.
Deafening music pounded inside of Liara's body and she swore there were speakers inside of her with the ferocity of this volume. She was forever lost that the Commander decided to come to a nightclub, her every move to try to talk to Shepard was intercepted by the infuriating resolve that apparently she couldn't even do that. She kept getting brushed off, though no promised consequences ever came for outright disobeying whatever foolish order she was given.
"She still thinks she can get by with bluffing or bullying. When will she learn that I won't back down?"
Shepard crossed her arms over the railing as she looked down at the dance floor, her eyes constantly scanning the crowd. Ashley was somewhere down there, but T'Soni didn't catch wind as to why. She refused to stand by and came by the railing, hastily grabbing the soldier's elbow when the stubborn woman tried to run off again.
"Will you stop and just listen to me?"
"We're to desist this-"
"This isn't about us, Commander. Stop presuming what I need to talk to you about."
Conflict was invoked and swum in the soldier's eyes, consequently igniting a myriad of emotions in Liara, but she tried to focus herself. She didn't at all agree with the Commander's method and handling of this situation, but the threat of the Reapers was far bigger than any of this between them. She took it as cooperation when Shepard didn't continue to escape, but seemed to provoke more assumption when she'd leaned in to talk into the human's ear - to be heard above this wretchedly loud music - as Lucy leaned away, her brow pinching as she frowned.
"I'm not going to shout it," Liara revealed, parroting near and dear cursed words. "It's classified."
That brow furrowed more intensely, bewildered for some reason. "But you don't have authority to classify matters."
T'Soni actively struggled not to roll her eyes over the technicality. "Shepard, it's sensitive information. May we please find somewhere to speak privately?"
Green lines shifted and almost flicked back into some kind of scanning mode, the way they used to when assessing and deciphering any potential threats. Then Shepard grabbed the asari's wrist and led them up another set of stairs, to the casino. The idea was struck out and they'd turned around, going back down to the main floor. The soldier made some kind of gesture at Ashley, who seemed to be waiting for somebody at one of the tables. Lucy let go and seemed to check in often to ensure she was being followed, and Liara didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry when the soldier deemed a photo booth as a private place to talk. Lucy poked her head in the curtain, and soon yelps trailed after her when she rudely pulled a couple human women out. She withstood their verbal onslaught without a care, calmly countering their protests by stating her next near and dear cursed words.
"I am Commander Shepard with the Alliance, Spectre to the Council. This is a classified matter. I am securing this booth and your cooperation will be greatly appreciated. Please evict the premises."
There was some amusement to be had in watching the humans' expressions, as if they'd been slapped. They stormed off angrily, citing power abuse and how they were going to report the Spectre now that they had her credentials. Likely more empty words, just like the promise of consequences from disobeying a certain someone's 'orders'. Of course, anybody would have a hard time believing that a photo booth was needed for some military venture.
"Little do they know, anything is fair grounds when it comes to Lucy."
That blasted war was invoked again, where the sense of endearment swelling in her chest was immediately lashed and bit by the agony of abandonment. She was made to move when Lucy resurfaced from the photo booth, but from the other side, poking her head through the curtain with a questioning expression. Liara reluctantly entered, suffocating her emotions, trying to find some kind of level foundation inside of her. She renewed her focus as soon as the music outside was more muted, allowing her to think with a bit more clarity. She helped herself to the booth seat as she patted the spot beside it.
"We need to meld, Commander."
"W-what? No. Absolutely not at all allowed and-"
"It's not about us, it's about the information I have. And the information you have."
Shepard crossed her arms, frowning. "What are you talking about?"
"The visions from the second Prothean beacon that you interacted with on Virmire. I saw glimpses of them, before, and something about them felt familiar to me. I need access to them."
"What does this have to do with your information, though, if it's about what I have?"
"It all intertwines together."
There was a temptation to be vindictive, and it was getting harder to remain impersonal, with how fresh all these wounds were now. She struck out many words and tried to be choosy with them, falling back to old meditative mantras to retain some measure of calm and clairvoyance. She closed her eyes and sucked in a slow breath when the soldier didn't seem to be in a rush to work with her, and Liara stepped out of her own shoes. She didn't dare try to insert herself in Lucy's, though, having both measures of understanding - and denial - as to the motives behind all these hurtful actions.
"It will work together," Liara blurted, her feelings coming through despite her best efforts. "The way we should be, especially in times like now - the way we used to, in the beginning."
Silence, for a moment. Then a sigh. The worn out leather seat creaked from weight.
"I would not have agreed in the beginning without more information. I do agree to the meld though, Dr. T'Soni. I would like some premise heading into it, however."
"Mother gave me the location of a relay lost to time." Liara reluctantly opened her eyes as she prepared herself to try to establish an impersonal meld, the first of which they'd never done before, with all the melds they've already had. "It's why Saren attacked us, he needed that location too. I saw something in the glimpses of your new visions and I think it's related to the relay."
The Commander was back to being unreadable, just like the beginning. It was almost scary how she could have this kind of switch to her, shattering whatever notion the asari could claim of knowing this woman to her core. Those eyes just stared, the only indications of what Lucy was thinking of was through the subtleties of her actions. She nodded slightly.
"Alright. Thank you, Dr. T'Soni. I'm ready whenever you are."
There was a yearning to reach, to touch, a hand instinctively twitching to cup the jaw. Liara's gaze fell on the bandage haphazardly taped, having loosened greatly with the soldier's stubbornness.
"She'll never have time to heal, herself, because she keeps pushing herself for others."
That wretched sense of duty. That foolish sense of honour, of sacrifice. Didn't she realize that the sacrifice she was imposing on herself was a sacrifice she was demanding of Liara too?
Didn't Lucy realize she wasn't saving anybody from anything like this?
"Dr. T'Soni?"
How far they had come, how cruelly laughable it was for it to go full circle and return to the start... Liara almost wished for the state of obliviousness, of innocence, that she once possessed. She bit back her sigh as she scooted closer, electing to rest her hand over the Commander's forehead to have some measure of physical connection to assist. She expected resistance this time, and knew this was going to sap what strength she felt she no longer had. She'd narrowed her eyes to silence the coming protest when the soldier's mouth opened, and it closed promptly over her wordless warning. She closed her eyes as she focused her consciousness, collecting it before working to establish a bridge with the cold presence across from her. The bridge was crumbling debris, barely withstanding even the gentle lap of the ocean waves. She took the step off the bridge and dived under, bracing herself for wherever the turbulent current would take her next.
"Embrace Eternity, Commander."
Visions immediately exploded, with a fierce focus on trying to reveal them all. It was still intertwined with hundreds of memories, some disjointed and stitched forcibly together, contrasting a civilian life with that of a soldier's. One moment, a content child was tending to a herd in rolling gentle plains. The next, a starved woman trekking through wintry winds, boots crunching snow, walking towards an endless horizon that seemed like it'd never be reached. The innocent chores versus the brutal training, hardening a heart, moulding and forging an iron will.
A winter sunrise bled into the visions, a striking red upon the white. The images flickered rapidly with Protheans screaming, condemned to torture and experiments. It contrasted the peacefulness of the scenery, up until she felt winds bite her flesh, felt the loneliness pervading her soul. The world - and heart - hardened alongside the harsh winter.
"Another step."
One foot after another. Liara looked down, something compelling her screaming legs to keep lifting and crunching the snow. She had to keep moving. If she stopped, she would be like the birds - unheard, starving where they froze. She looked back up, soldering on the winter sunrise as the myriad of colours struck across the plains, painting over the clean slate of white. It was abruptly bled out, depleted, muted, falling to a kind of ivory. There were hues of beige, contrasting vibrant colours of greens. The gentle rolling plains and the herd of cows phased and flickered, showcasing intricately tangled vines and familiar architecture she... Saw...
"Somewhere..."
Where?
She tried to focus on it, to stabilize those images and make them more concrete, but the world wouldn't stop changing on her. The chaotic energy that swept her up was both terrifying and captivating, like glimpsing into the maw of a tsunami wave about to crash over her. She witnessed both the hardships and the beauties of the training Shepard endured in her driven ambition to attain N7, squinting as sand flung at her eyes. She wrapped a scarf around her head and held it over her nose so that she wouldn't eat sand, and though the winds were treacherous, the dust devils were majestic sights to behold on their own.
There was always something positive yielded from the negative, to make it more bearable - but there was a persistent pain that couldn't be waved away with some kind of productive outlook.
"There's nothing positive about pain," was softly whispered in her mind.
"Was enduring this not painful?" Liara debated back, feeling as though there was a smile pressed to her aural. She wished it true.
"It depends on one's perspective. It sucked, yeah," Lucy's chuckle was more audible, more concrete. It helped conjure an image of her instead of the asari embodying her. "But there was beauty in nature's violence. There is no beauty in human's violence. Sometimes you have to be a monster to be human, though."
That made no sense. Liara was confused, and the focus of her connection wavered as she began to lose sight of the purpose she was here for. Before she had the chance to work for it back, darkness enveloped them and she felt a disconnect, opening her eyes to orientate to the brutally abrupt shift back to reality. She watched the emotionless expression across from her flutter back to life as the soldier's eyes opened, and for a moment, they were caught in a state where too much could be read from them. A haunting beauty in its own, just like the harsh winter sunrise, the chaotic sandy storms. She didn't have the opportunity to strike when Lucy moved first, rising from her seat as she held out her hand. She seemed to think against it, having remembered her new blasted terms, and elected to move out the tiny booth.
"I must check if Captain Anderson is here. We will speak of this after."
"Captain Ande-?" She wouldn't have the chance to find out, with the soldier having already left. Liara sighed, left to stew alone as she processed what she'd seen. She closed her eyes, though was soon disturbed with light hitting her eyelids, and slithered out upon seeing an impatient and drunk couple wanting in. She looked around the nightclub, a small sense of apprehension gripping her as she wondered if she was abandoned with Anderson as an excuse to lose her on Shepard's tail. She found them, sure enough, sitting at the table Ashley was at though.
All three wore grave looks on their faces, and there was an ominous feeling brewing in Liara's gut once again. This ascertained it - they really were going to go against the Council's order, weren't they? They were planning to break free, and that meant becoming traitors, didn't it? The Council wouldn't take kindly to that. The revocation of Shepard's Spectre's status would be the least of her worries.
"Her military organization would be forced to punish her as well, in order to maintain relations with the Council. Her Captain seems to be willing to do the same as her." Liara frowned, taking a place at the bar where she could be easily seen - and hopefully approached to be retrieved, rather than left behind in whatever they were planning to do now. She sought solace in the fact that Shepard needed her. "She has no course, even if they free the Normandy. She needs a destination."
Upon that, the images flickered by her mind like a slideshow, trying to study the details among what she'd remembered. She knew she had seen the architecture somewhere.
"Where?"
Frustration was brewing, her weakened patience dwindled and drained to curb the frequency of such thoughts. There were too many raw wounds ripped open, too many to feel. A blink, and her mind tormented her with a flash of what she'd witnessed, stumbling onto the bodies of her dead friends in the med-bay's storage room, when Dr. Chakwas asked her to search the rubble for what supplies that were left.
She's lost everybody. She's lost her friends, her mother, the woman who unknowingly became a boulder in more than one way. The landslide swept it all away. She was broken from her muse with a hesitant hand on her shoulder, her brow softly pinching as she tried to understand these momentary contrasts to Shepard's decisions and actions.
"Why are you pushing me away again? Do you truly believe you're protecting me from you, like this?"
"We're returning to the Normandy," Shepard stated, letting go of Liara's shoulder as soon as her gaze fell on her hand. "We'll be... Assisting repairs."
Somehow, the asari found it in her to smirkand play along. "Okay."
There seemed to be a sense of disbelief at that. The soldier regarded her, as if trying to figure it out. Liara couldn't help the laugh that found a reason to bubble within her, when Lucy had leaned in to whisper in her aural. "Are you well? Do we need to take you to Dr. Chakwas? It's not like you to believe such an obvious lie."
Two could play at this game.
"Oh, was it? I was prepared to assist. I do have some experience in advanced ship repairs, after all. Didn't you know?"
With that, Liara saw that Chief Williams was on her way out from the Flux, with everybody splitting up as if not to arouse suspicion. She decided to follow after that soldier, glancing beside her when the Commander absentmindedly came along, a new purpose and curiosity captivating her. Her omni-tool was engaged. Liara smiled devilishly when she noticed her dossier was being referenced. She waited as patiently as she could, mischief absolutely delighted upon seeing emotion in the eyes that snapped up to her with betrayal. She quickly grabbed Shepard's shoulder to solder her in place as she leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"Are you well? Do we need to take you to Dr. Chakwas? It's not like you to believe such an obvious lie."
Lucy huffed, but she said nothing - nor tore away. Their eyes fell on the hand on her shoulder, and T'Soni reluctantly broke free when she felt muscles tense, readying to move. She felt a pang of anger, chased soon by despondent sorrow. She sighed and decided to pick up her pace, sensing that the soldier wasn't going to be changing her mind any time soon - ironic, really, with how often Shepard has been swaying to and fro, recently. She must've truly been feeling out of her depth, overwhelmed the way she was, blundering about in the dark in what she seemed to believe was the best course of action.
That wasn't to say that Liara still wouldn't try to express what she believed was the best course of action, just as stubborn in her belief that they weren't too damaged to just end it all.
"You have been a catalyst to healing, Luce. Not a hindrance to it."