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And, my thanks, as ever, to campy for proofreading this chapter.
KP, RS and the Gang © Disney; All Original Characters © the Author
Chapter 20: Cultural Misappropriation
I.
"So, Freddy Nietzsche and the will to power. Henderson?"
"Uh, sorry, Professor, that sounds like a band?"
"It sounds like your grade taking a nosedive. I don't care how fast you scramble out of the pocket. Next time, do your reading!" Reeve Barkin surveyed the students seated around the seminar table and feared for the future of the nation. "Possible. You're up."
Much to her chagrin, Kim's wrist Kimmunicator beeped. Everybody looked back and forth between Kim and Barkin, wondering what the famous teen hero would do. The burly professor groaned; his brother had told him to expect this. "Answer it."
"Thanks," she said with a weak grin. "What up, Wade?" she hissed. "I'm in class."
"Sorry, Kim. But we've got a hit on the site. You're needed in Go City. This looks like it could be real trouble."
"And Team Go isn't handling it why?"
Wade gave Kim a look that said she should know better. "We just got a call from the Ambassador from Rhodegan."
Kim let out a deep breath before offering an apologetic smile to her professor. "May I be excused? It's a save-the-world thing."
"Fine," Barkin growled.
"Oh, and Professor Barkin?" Kim said as she got up and headed to the door. "Wille zur Macht is a recurring theme in Nietzsche. I've never really thought of this before, but it's kind of what makes supervillains tick. That and some seriously whack egos."
"Glad to see someone's been doing the reading. That's a good application of philosophy to real-life situations," Barkin said as the auburn-haired first-year student left the classroom. "But showing up and being present counts for 20 percent of the grade, so before you weak sisters get any ideas about taking up hero work just so you can skip class, Possible's losing points for leaving before the session ends even if it's to stop some rules-violating, norm-defying non-conformist superfreak!"
II.
Kim's heart raced as Ron drifted down towards Go City's Lakefront Park. This was the first time she'd seen him in person since leaving for school. He was heading towards a large, open field when a gust of wind caught his parachute and sent him towards the ancient Egyptian obelisk that stood behind the art museum. As deep as her affection for her BF was, she couldn't help but smirk as it became clear that despite becoming a master of the mystical monkey power, he remained the virtuoso of the awkward landing.
"Hey, KP!" he said jauntily, trying to affect a casual grin as he dangled a few feet off the ground, tangled in the lines of his chute, which was caught on the top of the ancient monument.
"Hey, BF," she replied warmly.
"Think I could, uh, get a little help, here?" he asked.
"What's it worth to you?" she asked impishly.
"Uh, an extra helping of Ronshine?"
"Good answer," she said before she blew him a kiss. She made ready to help him, pulling out her laser lipstick to cut him free. Then an unfamiliar voice interrupted.
Kim, who was about to activate her tool, turned to see some tourists, all of whom were pointing cameras and phones at her indisposed boyfriend. "Do you mind if we get a picture of this first? It's way better than the panhandlers dressed up like the Fearless Ferret in City Square!"
III.
Kim and Ron, having allowed themselves an intense but brief reunion kiss, quickly got their heads in the game, walked to the front of the museum and made their way up the imposing steps of the grand building, only to find the doors locked.
"We're here, Wade," Kim said into the Kimmunicator. "Is someone going to let us in?"
"A curator should be with you any moment," he said.
"So, what's the big deal about this exhibit?" Ron asked. "I mean this building's already lousy with priceless stuff. Why show off someone else's bling? You've seen one glitzy piece of ancient man-jewelry, you've seen them all, right?"
"Good to see going to college is deepening your appreciation for culture," Kim said wryly.
"Hey, the Ronman is all about the culture," he protested.
Kim's cocked eyebrow suggested she wasn't quite convinced.
"Okay, so maybe I'm all about the pop culture," he conceded. "And thanks to J. Lo. and my quest for all things Latin, your BF can now tell you how beautiful you are in a dead language!"
"You are so flawed," she said with an expression that told Ron she wouldn't have him any other way.
"Well, you gotta admit, you'd think a swank place like this would already have some pretty swish security."
"True," Kim said. "But I'm thinking that they normally don't have to deal with a potential threat from the Knights of Rhodegan," she observed as she pointed at the large banner announcing the special exhibition of a small principality's crown jewels.
IV.
Ron was pretty sure that if Kim was ever going to spontaneously combust, this might be the moment when his GF proved in pyrotechnic fashion that she could indeed do anything. "You want me to do what?" Kim sputtered.
"You commoners really are dim," Wally said with palpable condescension. "I would like you to change into this evening gown, put on the diamond tiara, choker and earrings, and accompany me to the gala," Wally said.
"I'm here to keep an eye on your crown jewels, not be your stinkin' date," a tweaked Kim said acidly. "In case you haven't noticed, I have a boyfriend."
"Oh my, I don't intend for you to be my date," Wally said in his most supercilious tones. "Though in a pinch you might be able to pass for arm candy."
Kim's nostrils flared.
"Dude, you so don't want to go there—" Ron cautioned.
"Thanks, Ron," interjected Kim, pleased her boyfriend was coming to her defense in the face of such sexist machismo.
"—KP's not arm candy," Ron barreled on. "She's more like an arm naco. My arm naco to be exact."
The tow-headed teen noticed his GF glaring at him.
"Hey, candy is coolio, but nacos are sublime!" he said defensively.
Kim's expression was glacial. Ron knew he had to do some quick explaining or, he feared, he'd be in danger of returning to Middleton looking for a new girlfriend.
"Look, KP, everybody likes candy, right? So, when some shallow dude is trying to impress people he might want to have some arm candy. But Nacos are the most perfect food known to man. And, I think you're perfect. So, quid erat demonstrum — notice how your guy is paying attention in Latin 101 — you'd be an Arm Naco. Of course, if you're my Arm Naco, I'm your …"
"… Arm Grande-Sized Chimerito Combo?" offered a smirking Kim, who had gone from deep fury to full befuddlement to her present state of inexplicable affection for weirdness. "Or would you be my Arm Mini Corndog?"
"Whatever works for you works for me if it makes you happy!" Ron said with a lopsided grin.
"Nobody cares whether she's happy," Wally whined. "Only my happiness matters."
Ron sighed. "Dude, while it was wrong-sick that I abandoned my best friend to run your campaign for class president you at least could have remembered some of what I told you!"
"What, buy voters' affections with their own money?"
"No!" Ron protested. "Well, yes, but that's not what I'm thinking about!"
"And what are you thinking, Svengali?" a clearly skeptical Kim asked.
"That I'm toast, burned to a crisp, why even bother with the butter?" he suggested nervously.
"Oh, wait, I should feign enthusiasm for others if it will get them to support me!" Wally said brightly.
"Are you sure you hadn't been hit by the Attitudinator during that election?" a displeased Kim asked Ron.
"Yeah," Ron said rubbing the back of his neck.
"You. Political Consulting. Not happening again ever if you want any more kisses," she said icily. "Do I make myself clear?"
Ron's eyes opened wide as saucers. "Gotcha, Kim," he stammered.
"Good boy," she said in a warmer voice before her tone turned serious. "Now here's what we're going to do about this security sitch …"
V.
The mission completed, Kim and Ron sat side-by-side at a booth in the Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho. Hego had made sure they had out-of-the-way seats on an upper level and, much to Ron's delight, made sure they could indeed go as wild as they hoped when submitting their orders.
"So, it was worth not scarfing down the pigs in a blanket?" Kim asked playfully as she watched her BF go at his mucho guaco nacho chimerito grande combo, making reference to his inability to enjoy appetizers as he'd gone undercover as a member of the wait staff.
"Oh yeah," he said, taking a break between bites. "This is badical. Try some!"
"I'll pass," Kim said as she took a forkful of salad.
"No, really, try some," Ron insisted. "It's badical and it's, it's, good for the soul!"
"Time together is good for the soul," Kim replied as she leaned into him.
"Oh, yeah," Ron agreed. "This is nice."
The two sat quietly for a moment, then caught up on the events of the day, including Kim's unwanted encounter with Troy, their respective conversations with Shego and Drakken, and the mission.
"You were awesome out there, KP," Ron enthused. "I gotta tell you, you in that gown and wearing those jewels and going all kung fu on the bad guys was pretty hot."
"Thanks," Kim said as she blushed. " You know, you looked pretty good yourself. What you did with the hors d'oeuvres was spankin'."
"Yeah, those clowns sure didn't expect to be hit by a bunch of monkey-powered snackage, did they?"
Kim laughed. "No, they didn't."
"Still, jesters? What was with that?"
"Wade's looking into it, though it's clear somebody still wants Rhodegan to be a failed state."
"Well, it works for me."
"Ron!"
"Hey, it gave us a chance to see each other! The Kimmunicator is great but it's not the same as being with you."
"I know," she said as she squeezed his hand. "Still, I'd so rather our relationship not be dependent upon the bad guys for me to get my Ronshine. I want ready access, all the time."
"Well, I'm working hard, Kimbo. If I don't get into Llenrock, it won't be for lack of trying."
"I so love it when you try," Kim said softly. She turned, looked into Ron's eyes and brought her lips to his.
VI.
"Sir?" a tired Ron stammered as Martin Smarty appeared in his office the next day. The tow-headed teen had been on edge ever since receiving a note in the pneumatic tube that his boss was coming for a visit.
"Son, we need to talk."
Ron gulped.
"Ronald, you've been a model Smarty Mart employee. Creative, hardworking, loyal."
"That's good, right?"
Smarty chuckled. "You're funny, too."
"So this is a good visit," Ron asked hopefully.
"That depends," Smarty said.
'That depends' is never good, Ron thought. "Oh?"
"Let me cut to the chase," Smarty said. "I think you have what it takes to go to the top in this business — though not until after I've retired."
"You do?"
"Yes, except there's one problem."
Don't go there, please don't go there, Ron thought.
"Kim Possible."
Oh man, you went there.
"Now, don't get me wrong, son. She's a very special young lady and I know how important she is to you. But this saving-the-world thing you do with her is, well, let me be blunt: You're going to have to make a choice."
"A choice?"
"That's right: I can't have an assistant manager gallivanting off to Go City for some fancy dress throw down or a newly promoted junior executive skipping out of meetings to play a supporting role to a teen hero. I need to know that you're fully on board with the program, committed to making sure that Smarty Mart continues to do its best for the smart shoppers who shop smart."
"Uh, sir …"
"You don't have to make a decision now, Ronald. Think things over and we can talk next week. And don't worry. If you decide that being Miss Possible's sidekick is what's important to you, you can always have your old job with your old salary back in the pet department."
With that, Mr. Smarty turned on his heel and left.
Ron watched the billionaire leave. "Whoa. Did he just say newly promoted junior executive?"
VII.
Kim rushed out of the locker room and onto the field for cheer squad practice. Though she had to try out like all of the other new squad members, there had been little question in anyone's mind that she'd make the cut. Still, the captain seemed determined to make sure that Kim knew she was a first-year newbie and nothing more.
"Possible, so nice of you to join us today," Samantha Sneed gibed.
"Sorry," Kim said.
"So, were you off doing your teen hero thing yesterday?" the captain sneered. "Or was that just an excuse to meet that dorky boyfriend of yours in Go City?"
Kim sighed. "No, it really was a save-the-world sitch …"
"Well, if you want to be on this Squad, remember that we need you to give us 100 percent. Do you understand?"
"Yes, I do," Kim said, trying to hide her exasperation.
"Fine," the upperclassman said. "Take your spot at the bottom of the pyramid."
While Kim took up her position she wondered why she was subjecting herself to this aggravation. It wasn't as if she was cheering on Ron, after all; instead, she'd be rooting for, among others, the odious Troy Bell. And while she loved cheerleading, there were many other extracurriculars in which she could participate.
"Don't let her get you down," whispered a fellow cheerleader, an African-American junior named Traci.
"Thanks," Kim replied.
"Frankly, I think she's worried. Everybody knows you'd be a better captain."
"Me?" Kim said. "I'm just a first-year."
Traci grinned. "Don't sell yourself short, Kim. You're not just any first-year. A bunch of us know you can do anything."
Kim grinned sheepishly, feeling better about being on the squad. She wasn't interested in being captain, at least not yet, just in having some fun and showing some school spirit. "Thanks."
"Hey, as we've heard you say, no big!"
VIII.
Kim was stunned and upset by what Ron told her. It all seemed so unfair. Still, she knew what had to be done. She took a deep breath. "Ron, maybe we should take a break."
His eyes opened wide. "Take a break? From dating?" He began to hyperventilate.
Kim rolled her eyes. "Get a grip." She then paused and gulped. "I meant … take a break from saving the world."
Ron's jaw dropped. "What?"
"Maybe this is part of growing up. Maybe it's time to let GJ do their thing. You need your job at Smarty Mart. And I know this is selfish, but I, well, I want, no, I need you here and that means you need time to focus on your coursework."
"No way, no how," Ron said forcefully.
"Excuse me?" a surprised Kim replied.
"Okay, wait a minute. That may not have come out the right way, KP. No way, no how about GJ doing our thing. You save the world. I've got your back. That's all there is to it. Nobody's breaking up Team Possible."
Kim sighed. "But what about your job? I know you like it and now Mr. Smarty wants to promote you. Besides, I thought you didn't want to go back to the pet department."
"Kim, the job's great but being your partner is better."
"That's sweet but so not the point."
"Wrong, KP. That is the point. Anybody can be a big-box sensation but there's only one Kim Possible …"
"Ron," Kim protested.
"… And I bet there are other ways I can earn money. Maybe Chez Couteaux would hire me as a baker or something. It can't be every day a guy with a recommendation from the White House walks in looking for work."
Kim smiled fondly. "You are too much, Ron Stoppable."
"Hey, I am what I is," he preened.
"What you is is my BF," Kim said. "I love you."
"Love you, too, KP," Ron said in answer. Sensing a need to lighten things, he changed the topic. "So, you feeling ready for your first road trip?"
"Yes, though I so wish Samantha would get over herself," Kim said. "She's like Bonnie only amped up. I'm glad we still have some more time to get ready."
"You want me to come to Go City next weekend and monkey up?"
Kim laughed. The idea of Ron summoning the mystical monkey power to take down her imperious squad leader a peg or two had its attractions. "More than you can imagine," she said. "But maybe we should save that for real evil, and not the college kind."
"Whatever you say," Ron said. "Though I was thinking I could bring along some Ronshine, too."
Kim arched an eyebrow and grinned. "Okay, I may have to reconsider this sitch. Can I get a raincheck on the Ronshine for when you come to Athens?"
"I may be able to get you two," Ron said with a goofy grin.
"Spankin'," Kim replied.
IX.
"You're sure this will work?" Troy asked.
"As sure as I am that half the campus is already talking about how Possible took you down in the Student Union," Tim answered.
Troy twitched and Tim knew he'd scored a direct hit.
"So one zap …"
"And Kim Possible's career as a cheerleader, not to mention teen hero, is over. She'll be so useless that even that dork boyfriend of hers will drop her like a hot potato."
"Sounds good," Troy said with a malicious grin, thinking of how a broken Kim would be grateful for any attention once she'd fallen. "I think I know how we can pull this off."
"Talk to me," Tim said, not caring that he might be about to ruin a fellow student's life. After all, sometimes you needed to break some eggs to make an omelet …
To Be Continued …