People seem to be under the impression that since weapons have changed dramatically, warfare, too, has changed dramatically. I would argue the exact opposite; it looks different, sure, but that's because it's more spread out. Other than that, it's basically all the same. To illustrate this, I'll break down the three main weapons of personal medieval combat; the bow, which has been replaced by the long-range rifle, the sword, which had been replaced by the mid-range rifle, or the inaccurately dubbed, "assault rifle", and the dagger, which has been replaced by the handgun. Whenever a dagger was pulled, it indicated the closest combat achievable; it also meant that someone was not going to walk away from this particular battle, but furthermore, it indicated that the battle had become completely, and totally, personal. That's why I take handguns over a wide variety of modern weapons; for me, eliminating the occult, eliminating the terror-bringers, eliminating the paranormal, it's personal.

-excerpt from the Vampire Journals

Chapter 4: Hotel Philidelphia

The ride to their destination saw Pip driving the whole time, with Alucard riding next to him, Seras riding behind Alucard, and all of the Mercs riding haphazardly in the back. Throughout the ride, Alucard was more than happy to keep the situation silent and awkward. Even though he wanted to keep his charges alive... for the most part... he still had no plans to become attached to them. It was just like he told Pip.

You're not my friend, you're my bodyguard. Survive two weeks, and I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.

Which was entirely true, as far as Alucard was concerned. He still thought of their survival as a nice plus, but also entirely unnecessary towards the ultimate goals of the mission.

That being said, he became bored about thirty minutes into the drive.

"Y'all mind if I put in some jams", Alucard asked.

Before anyone could respond, Alucard slammed a CD into the rack of their rental. From the rear-view window, and his peripherals, he could see everyone's reactions. Pip shot him a questioning glance, and Seras covered her ears. All of the other Mercs looked on in anticipation.

She take my mon-ey... when I'm in neeeeeeed...

"Hold on", the Californian said from the back, "is this Kanye?"

"Better", Alucard told him, "it's classic Kanye."

Even the southerner looked impressed. Before long, they were jamming out, the Mercs able to follow along as well as Alucard was. Seras continued to look uncomfortable, almost like she had never heard good music in her life.

"What else ya got", the southerner asked from the back.

"Avenged Sevenfold", Alucard answered, producing another CD. "By the way, have any of you ever heard of Iron Maiden?"

Suddenly, their ride became a lot less like a funeral procession, and a lot more like new dudes bonding over ripping rifts and lashing lyrics. In an instant, they had gone from distant professionals to acquaintances. Even the guy he had previously noted as nervous around him was beginning to lighten up, swaying from side to side with the beat. Hopefully, Alucard felt, this would do far more than just make the Mercs feel "good" around him. If they felt like they connected with him, even on a superficial level, it might make them more inclined to trust his judgement. And if they trusted his judgement, they might also be more inclined to get behind him when he inevitably said, "Get behind me".

He was about to throw in his Rare Jams when Pip shouted, "We're here."

Instantly the atmosphere changed. The men went from boisterous to serious once more, checking their reassembled pistols, secreting them away, and putting on their gloves and sunglasses. They were prepared for anything, even in an area that had been deemed their "fallback". It was equally sobering, and hilarious.

As they all exited the vehicle in front of the rather fancy-looking hotel, Alucard felt someone tug on his shoulder. He glanced down to see Seras at his side, nudging him away. Alucard glanced up at the Mercs.

"Scope out the lobby real quick, fellas", he told them. "Make sure we aren't being watched."

They all silently did as they were told. Alucard returned to his Apprentice, who had a questioning look in her eyes. He raised an eyebrow.

"Why are they putting on gloves and sunshades", Seras asked. "Are they all wanted men? Are they trying to hide from the law?"

"Maybe", Alucard told her honestly, "but that's not why they're dressed like that. You haven't been around Mercs enough to hear their horror stories. They're trying to keep bodily fluids from getting on them."

"Bodily fluids", Seras said, with shock in her voice. "Like blood?"

"Like semen", Alucard corrected. "You don't hire Mercs for beach vacations."

"Yuck", Seras said with a disgusted look, and walked towards the hotel interior.

Alucard straightened his tie and walked in after her. At the door, he examined his surroundings. A rather fancy hotel, even for Integra's taste. Big arches, lots of lighting, elevators encased in glass, and taller than the twin towers... before he had drunkenly rammed a plane into them. He had a bad habit of that, it seemed. At least that one hadn't been entirely his fault, but he had kicked off a huge false flag way too early, long before it was supposed to have been implemented, leading to a lot of loose ends, and a lot of shit from the American government. He normally responded to their chastising with, "Whatever, pigs; go fuck your cousins or something".

Clearly, Integra was being nice this time around. Though, Alucard didn't necessarily see that as a good sign. Back in Wallachia, if an elder were close to death, it was the job of others to make them as comfortable as possible for a smooth transition to the afterlife.

Alucard got the feeling that it was more like this.

He walked straight up to the receptionist, a young man with acne on his face and long hair down his back, and said, "Sup?"

"Hello, sir", the receptionist said with a slight waver in his voice, probably hormonal. "Do you have a reservation here?"

"If I did, it would be under..."

For a moment, Alucard had to strain his brain. He typically had a different surname for every hemisphere, and it had been a long time since he had been to this one. He had to think hard to remember the joke. What was it, a snake continually eating itself must inevitably eats lots of shit?

"Alucard", he finally decided, "Delliki."

The receptionist tapped at the keyboard for some time, and eventually said, "Ah! Here you are, sir! The two penthouse suites are reserved for you at the top floor. When you get in the elevator, just press the button that says, 'PH'. Here's your keys", the boy said, pushing seven room keys across the desk, "and if you need room service, you can call my desk at any time!"

"Are there TV's in those suites", Alucard questioned.

"Of course, sir", the receptionist replied professionally, once again with a slight waver.

"Do they have... Netflix?"

"I... don't think so, sir."

"Tell you what", Alucard told the receptionist, passing the black card across the counter towards him, "put in a few requests for me here and there, never, ever talk about us or what we're doing, and when we leave, you can give yourself a... uh... twenty-five percent tip."

"TWENTY-FIVE-"

"Hey, remember what I just said? Keep your voice down."

"I... will ensure that your visit is discrete and as pointedly to your liking as I can, sir", the receptionist answered smartly.

"Good", Alucard responded. "Have a nice night!"

"You too, sir", the receptionist replied, smiling ear to ear. "And enjoy your stay!"

"The sentiment is appreciated", Alucard said, turning to walk away. "But I don't think I will."

...

The room was large and spacious. Comfortable beds, two per room, with a large TV, a mini fridge, a microwave, ironing board, closet, two couches and even a large bathroom with a large bath. Alucard felt a little pampered. No matter how long it had been since... since Turkey, he could never get used to having nice things.

It was why he usually slept in a dark, dank basement.

The Mercs were dividing rotating shifts sleeping on the beds and couches before they had even made it up to the room, so all that was left was to tell Pip that he wasn't going to be sleeping in Alucard's room.

"I didn't really want to anyway", Pip admitted nonchalantly.

"You, however", Alucard said to Seras, "I will be sharing a room with you."

She was caught a bit off guard by the way he had said it, though he could tell that she was ready for him to say something along those lines, when she almost immediately responded with, "As long as I don't have to share a bloody bed with you."

That produced a few snickers from the Mercs. Alucard shrugged.

"Just don't come crawling into mine if you start having bad dreams", he told her devilishly.

This produced a shocked expression and a blush from Seras, and more snickering from the Mercs.

"W-wouldn't dream of it", she responded, trying to hold herself together.

"Oh, so you've been dreaming of me", Alucard prodded, a grin stretching across his face, revealing his predatory teeth. "Tell me, am I wearing the red pajamas or the blue ones?"

"Bloody hell", Seras cursed, throwing up her hands in defeat.

The Mercs were full-blown laughing now. Seras, with blush in her cheeks, stormed into the room and shut the door behind her. Everyone was still chuckling when Alucard walked right up to Pip.

"Hey, I sent you a link, go ahead and download the thing on the site."

Pip raised the eyebrow over his eyepatch, asking, "Virus, or porn?"

"Both, if you're lucky", Alucard replied. "We've got to keep tabs on a specific target, and my phone can't keep up, so you're it. If we get a hit, let me know immediately."

"Will do", Pip responded, and turned towards the other Mercs, motioning towards the other room.

What Alucard had given to Pip was an app that would track credit card usage. Whoever had sired this homo was smart enough to not cancel his cards when the thing stole them. Now, finding it would hopefully be a breeze. All they technically had to do was wait for him to use a card, and then dogpile like he had the last ketchup packet in the lunch line.

Alucard stretched for a moment, and went down the hall towards the nearest window. He looked out upon the big city, bustling with activity, and wondered how many people were doing the same. He had lived in cities for most of his death, and he understood the charm of them. But for most of his life, he lived in a city that was so small it felt like a town, where everyone knew everyone, and everyone helped everyone. Here, with the additional opportunity, it seemed that most people wanted to go about their lives simply focusing on themselves. He understood the benefits that that carried for the particular job he did, but simultaneously, he missed having people around who knew him, even distantly.

With a start, he realized that no one in his small town had known him. That when he was struggling the hardest, he had no shoulder to lean on, save his own brother, but he had to step up and be the example for his younger brother, so he truly had no helping hands. And with that line of thinking, it wasn't hard to understand why his Faith had been so strong.

Many knew of him, but few truly knew his story; for most of his life, he had been a man of God, cursing the invaders in secret, seeking the Bible for guidance, and praying to Jesus to save his soul and guide his way. For most of his life, that was how he had lived. Ten years of brutal torture, horrific atrocities, the most terrible of betrayals had never once swayed him from his path. He had been a good follower, and he had done everything God had asked of him.

So why had God abandoned him?

He knew, ultimately, that it was his own fault. He had learned over his span of existence that bad things almost always happened to you because you brought them on yourself. Most of his worst memories and moments, he could trace back to a decision that had seemed insignificant, harmless, or even a decision that he had known would end badly and had done it anyway, out of some perceived necessity.

But for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why God hated him.

He shook himself from his thoughts, and glanced up at the moon.

Shit, he realized, seeing it had changed its position in the sky, it's been a while.

He strolled back down to his room, threw his key into the slot, and flung the door open.

A shriek and a blinding flurry of Police Girl attempting to pull clothes on over her underwear was the image that greeted him. She yanked her pants up quick as a wink, and then tried to pull her shirt down over her head. Every time she thought she got it, it got stuck on her massive cans. She glared angrily at Alucard as she poked her head out of the shirt.

"Well, you don't have to bloody stare at me!"

"What", Alucard said with a shrug. "It's not like I'm gonna do anything. We're on business. If I was gonna do anything to you, I'd get you home before I got you penetrated."

Seras shrieked, and shot off towards the bathroom. Alucard chuckled, and moved to sit down on one of the couches. He crossed his leg over the other, and thrummed his fingers on the edge of the sofa. He directed his thoughts towards the somewhat ditzy character that he had accidentally shot straight into his life, quite literally. At the time, siring had seemed to be the only way to save her, but now...

No. It had been there since the zero hour. That spark in her eyes. That determination. He had seen it then, and he had not made a mistake in capitalizing on it. It had been an old military habit, but it was rarely one that steered him wrong.

What had been a spartan mistake was his lack of hands-on with her, and not the fun kind. He had done almost nothing in the means of directing her through this new life... death... thinking that that spark and determination would guide her, as it had himself, initially. But she was resisting the urge to change. He had seen it personally, seen her reject the opportunity to feed, even seen her reject a harmless iced-over blood bag. She wanted to maintain her humanity, no matter the cost, and it was costing her dearly, more than she realized.

The ditzyness was, more than likely, an extension of this, but he had seen more than one person with a case of the ditzies who did their absolute best to make it through life and simply couldn't. This was not the case; he had seen her overcome plenty of obstacles before, and it was hardly any different from one case to another... until she felt her humanity was threatened, or until she seemed like she could really excel. It seemed like she was sabotaging herself.

The humanity thing he could totally understand. It sucked for him as well, and even though he had taken that step quickly, even though his own change had been entirely against his will, he had seen others who had changed willingly that had taken longer to embrace their new nature than he had. Case in point, Seras.

The thing that really bothered him was that he got a sense of self-defeatism from her. It was a shame for several reasons; he had personally experienced self-defeatism, and when he saw how it had affected everyone around him, he had overcome it quickly. Seras had no one whom she was truly "failing" in any real sense, save herself. And the saddest part of all; he knew, he knew she had it in her to be the next greatest hero of time, the next Lauri Torini, the next King Arthur, the next Vlad the Impaler... but she didn't want that for herself. And to him, it was infuriating, because it had to be his own fault, he had to be failing as a teacher.

After World War One, whilst getting lit as fuck with Zhang Zongchang, he had, in an opium haze that he still couldn't quite remember everything from, picked up a copy of The Art of War by Sun Tzu, and after reading through it five separate times in as many weeks, he couldn't have agreed more with everything in it. One thing that had really struck him was the rule about teachers and students; when teaching, the first time a student makes a mistake, it is the error of the teacher. In a way, since he had not stepped in to properly guide her, every mistake she had made had been her "first". He was determined, right now, to begin breaking that cycle with some well-meant guidance. And, failing that, get to the bottom of why she was failing.

Finally, the bathroom door opened, and Seras walked out, fully clothed in a Helsing uniform that bulged... a lot... in the chest. Alucard patted the seat next to him. In response, Seras wrinkled her nose.

"Seriously", Alucard told her, "we need to talk."

She hesitated for a noticeable second, and then cautiously made her way to the seat next to him. She sat down gently, her legs tensed, like he might try and eat her or something. Silly Seras. Ah! That would have been a good nickname if she didn't have big titties.

As he made a mental note of this, he realized that there had been an uncomfortable silence for some time, and that she was now staring at him.

"Seras", he began, just to show how serious he was about this, "I'm concerned about you."

"Concerned", she asked, curiosity, and that horrible stench of self-defeat coming over her. "Why?"

"You're failing in the most basic of ways as a vampire", Alucard informed her, "and, by extension, as a vampire hunter."

She looked downtrodden by this new information.

"Which is, completely and totally, my fault."

"Y-your fault", Seras repeated, stunned. "N-no! I-it's not your fault!"

"I'm your teacher", Alucard said, "and I haven't even been teaching you like I should be. Clearly, your failure is an extension of my own."

"No! That's not true! I'm just... I-"

"Have no guidance, I get it."

"What? No!"

"So, then, is someone training you on the side?"

"Yes! I mean no, but-"

"Precisely! Which is why I've resolved to be more hands-on from here on out."

"I, um-"

"And I will of course start by giving you my personal professional pointers and tips, one by one, all eight hundred of them."

"..."

"Excellent! You may want a pen and paper for this. They're important."

She stared at him blankly for a moment, and then the hamster wheel began turning, and she jumped up, diving into her bag for a pen and pad, which she hurriedly raced back towards the couch with. Alucard was about to comment on the oddity of her actually having a pen and pad... he had planned to give her the one he used for scribbling impromptu death threats against the pope... when she opened it up and began flipping to a blank page.

"Hold on" Alucard said, observing the stencil work on the filled pages, "you draw?"

"I, um... yes, but-"

"Let me see."

"N-no, it's not that good-"

"Seriously, I won't eat it."

"I... I don't really like showing other people my drawings."

"That's fair. I respect that."

She continued flipping, keeping her body angled so that he couldn't see most of it. A few of the drawings were colored in, and he caught one with a lot of red on it. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it looked like the character had red tinted glasses, a badass red hat, and big, sharp teeth. At the bottom of that one, he could make out a small paragraph, but didn't have time to read it before the page had flipped.

She finally found herself a blank page, and looked up at him expectantly.

"Alright", Alucard told her, "rule number one: History. Learn it."

Seras looked a bit confused.

"Which part of it?"

"All of it. Anything that can give you an edge, especially certain people who had a... well, certain sway on things."

"...alright."

She scratched study history into her notepad, and then looked back up at him.

"Later, when we have more time, I will expand on all of these tips and pointers, so be sure to keep them in mind as a general statement before you draw your own conclusions. Now for the good stuff. Number two: don't ever fuck with Integra. Especially if you don't know her like that. Or if you're expendable."

She scratched don't mess with Sir Integra in her notepad, and then looked back up at him.

"Is she really that ruthless?"

Alucard leaned back a little.

"You have to understand", he told her. "First of all, this girl watched her own father die at the impressionable age of twelve. She has been running his company, a four-generation long family inheritance, all by herself, and furthermore, I personally taught her not just how to swordfight, but also how to never take shit from anyone."

Seras' eyes widened.

"You taught her how to swordfight?"

"Of course", Alucard said. "Other than wealth, a huge company, a bunch of military-grade hardware, a bastard uncle who wanted to kill her, and a butler, the only thing that Integra inherited from her father was me."

Seras looked like she wanted to hear the rest of that story.

"Rule number three", Alucard continued, "never ever ever fuck with Walter."

Seras looked a little disappointed, but scratched down don't anger Walter all the same. She glanced back up at him.

"Walter really does need a little backstory", Alucard explained. "I actually fought the Nazi's with Walter back in WWII. Back then, he was a fifteen-year-old aspiring vampire hunter, only, instead of whacking his friends with sticks, like most aspiring fifteen-year-old vampire hunters did back then, Walter began inventing a weapon to dispose of vampires quickly and effectively; his micro-filament wires. At the time, it was genius, and it's still incredibly effective today."

"Unfortunately, he had trouble using it to its maximum potential, and I just so happened to be the very definition of maximum potential. Someone had the bright idea of partnering us up, and we kicked Nazi vampire ass the entire war. Walter was credited with hundreds of kills without my guidance, and thousands when we worked together. He also fell in love with me, but that's another story."

"Fell in-"

"Rule number four."

Right then, there was a knock at the door. Alucard stood up, withdrawing one of his .454's, and walked up to the door, slowly drawing it open. On the other side was Pip, dressed up for clandestine operations.

"We got a hit", the Frenchman said, "and I've got a feeling that it's going to be difficult to make this one work."

"Explain."

"No time. I'll explain on the way."

With that, Pip turned and walked towards the lobby. Alucard turned back towards Seras.

"WHOOO", he screamed, "IT'S SHOWTIME! WHOOO!"

...

"The target swiped a card in a local shop", Pip explained, handing Alucard his company-mandated smartphone. "Apparently he was feeling a bit hungry."

"Not a bit", Alucard noted, "this guy is buying non-perishables. Lots of non-perishables. Also, nice smartphone. I keep breaking mine. Integra only trusts me with flip phones."

"Fortunately, he's in an place with several different types of markets all clustered into one area, like a French carnival, so more than likely, he's going to stick around and purchase what he needs for a grand disappearing act", Pip explained. "Unfortunately, that also means he's going to be around people, which means this whole operation just became a lot more difficult."

"I thought Mercenaries did lots of kidnappings in broad daylight", Seras said out loud.

The Mercs all shared confused glances, and then returned their gazes to her.

"I mean", she began to elaborate, "returning rich girls to their parents and whatnot."

"Most of those rich girls go to exclusive sex clubs", Alucard explained. "It's a lot easier to ghetto blast someone in the face in an environment where no one is willing to talk about their day to anyone outside of that area."

"Out in a market, however", Pip pipped up, "there will be plenty of people who may find it just a little bit odd if they see people dragging someone into a car against their will."

And there were even more people who might find it a little bit odd if they just walked up to someone and shot them in the face, but Alucard didn't think he really needed to elaborate there.

"So, then", Seras asked, "what are our options?"

"Generally", Alucard told her, "I'd say we tail him. But I'm feeling audacious. Let's talk to him."

Pip turned around in the driver's seat, just to look at him.

"That was not in any way what we were tasked to do."

"Look at me", Alucard told him.

Pip nodded.

"Look into my eyes", Alucard told him again.

Pip stared intently into his eyes.

"Look at me staring intently into your eyes."

Pip obliged.

"You're not watching the road fuckwit."

Pip turned his head in time to see that they had swerved into oncoming traffic, and cranked the wheel just in time to avoid a head-on collision. Pip released a tidal wave of curses in French.

"That's why I'm leading the op", Alucard told him. "I'm the one who answers to Integra, so I will decide how we are to carry out our missions. Clear?"

Pip stewed for exactly a half a second, and then responded, "Crystal."

"I will approach him in a friendly and open-minded manner. I will do the talking, and if anyone interrupts me, I will clean your colon out with a .454. Anyone unclear?"

There were no objections. Alucard grinned.

"Then let's do this."

...

It didn't take long to find the homunculus. In fact, it was a stroke of good luck that he happened to turn and look in their direction. His red eyes and white hair gave him away almost immediately.

Not all homunculi looked like they had stared in an emo girl's wet dreams last night, but if they were rushed in their production, they almost always ended up like such. In fact, if the rituals and procedures were performed correctly, homunculi could end up being more akin to a clone of the sire, or an empty, soulless servant. Most of them were created for menial tasks better suited for the lower class, but the elite, wishing to deny even the smallest reprieves for the people they made poor, would rather use black magic to create what were essentially clones to do it for them instead.

Every once in a while, Alucard came across homunculi that were especially created for certain tasks, such as performing hit jobs. Those usually had above-average intelligence in their field, but were otherwise single-minded. They were quite dangerous to face, if you weren't practically immortal.

This one seemed to be different. He was constantly looking around, as if waiting for someone to jump out of the shadows and gun him down. Paranoia wasn't ingrained into the homunculi he had visited death upon previously.

Once again, this one seemed rushed in most areas, especially in his appearance, but he had a highly developed emotional baseline. Of all the reasons Alucard could rack his brain as to why that would be, the one he kept returning to that seemed most likely... one that he had encountered before... was that whoever had developed him had done so simply so they could torture him, feeding off of his suffering.

It didn't make much sense to Alucard why people would go through the trouble of creating anything just to torture or kill it on a whim. He often found pleasure in torturing rivals, but he hadn't wasted his energies turning them into his rivals in the first place. It simply didn't make any sense to do all of that work only to throw it away when you felt like running something through.

But he had seen homunculi used like this before, and patterns tended to remain consistent with the crowds he ran against. If these people wanted to go out and kidnap strangers to torture, they could, and often did, unchallenged. But to go through the trouble of making something just to break it? Alucard couldn't understand that thought process in simple terms.

These people were just sadistic.

Nevertheless, he had a job, and he was going to do it. He hated most everything paranormal... for personal reasons. He hated getting spooked.

So, the homunculus was going to die, but before he died, he would tell Alucard everything he knew about who sired him. He would have his revenge.

He opened up the car door, and stepped out, straightening his coat. He turned towards the sidewalk the homunculus was walking on, and walked calmly in that direction. The homunculus was walking towards him, so as long as he kept up his current pace, he would run straight into him. He crossed the street, and stepped straight up onto the sidewalk. The homunculus looked directly at him, and then looked away, never questioning him for a moment. Being as flashy as Alucard was, people rarely suspected him of ill intent. Unless, of course, he started to come closer.

And as the homunculus began to approach him, he looked him over again, and began to slow his pace. His eyes began to flash with panic, and Alucard decided that it was now or never.

He began taking long strides, being sure to keep his big grin on his face. People had a hard time believing that you were coming to kill them if you were grinning at them. For this particular homo, it didn't seem to have much of a relaxing effect. He turned around, first walking in the opposite direction.

Alucard decided that if he was going to stop him, he would have to speak up.

"My friend", Alucard shouted, "didn't you see me?"

The homunculus stopped in his tracks. He knew as much as Alucard did what was about to happen, and if the predators were already on his trail, they would find him again. Better that he face Alucard here, in public, so that his death would at least be quick.

Alucard closed the distance, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Buddy, turn around for a moment."

The homunculus turned towards him, his red eyes glaring in defiance.

"If you're gonna kill me", the homunculus said, "just do it."

"Good language skills", Alucard complemented. "Someone did a good job making you."

"Yeah", the homunculus said, stopping the conversation.

Alucard drew in a breath.

"Look", Alucard told him, "I could drop hints all day, but I'm just going to tell you straight up that I'm trying to give you what no assassin ever would. Tell me who sired you, and you'll have your revenge."

"What's the point", the homunculus said, "I'll still be dead."

"You shouldn't have even been alive", Alucard deadpanned. "Look, you can either die like a virgin Eugene dickwad, or you can die knowing that the asshole who did this to you dies too."

The homunculus thought about that for a moment, and drew in a breath.

"Is there any situation where I survive?"

"Nope."

"...Well then..."

Seras kept her gaze on the two men, wondering what they were discussing. She tried really hard to read the homunculus' lips, but he was a little far away, and she wasn't all that good at reading lips. Pip, who sat in front of her in the passenger seat, kept his one good eye on the two people, never moving his head.

Someone put a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to see the southerner, who also had his eyes on the two men.

"So, where's the homunculus", the southerner.

"The one with the hoodie", she told him.

"Where?"

"Um... right in front of us?"

"Is he invisible?"

"...no..."

"I can't see him."

"Alucard is talking to him."

From the back of the SUV, she could her a window being rolled down, and an accent she had never heard before began talking, saying, "No habla Taiwanese", but she didn't take her eyes off of Alucard and the homunculus.

"He must be smaller than I thought", the southerner postulated.

"How do you figure?"

"I figured he would have a hard time fitting into a hoodie."

From the back came the sounds of, "No, no, I don't have any money", and then someone began speaking in a language she couldn't understand.

"Why would you figure that?"

"Aren't homunculus' just giant slugs?"

"...No?"

"Then what's a homunculus?"

From the back again, "Hey, hey, hey, let go of me!" and then the door opened, and the sound of someone hitting the ground. Seras continued to watch Alucard.

"It's basically a black magic clone of someone", she explained. "At least, that's how Master explained it to me."

"Oh", the southerner said. "I guess that makes more sense."

In the background, someone shouted, "No! No!" and then a gunshot rang out.

Alucard turned his head to the sound, and the homunculus took this time to tuck tail and run. He sprinted for the nearest alley, just as Alucard turned his head back towards him.

"Hey! Get back here", Alucard shouted, charging after him.

The chase led them out of the public eye, and Alucard knew he had to attack him now. He could shoot him, which would be covered by the other gunshot, but people were attracted by gunshots, and he didn't want people all around him. He still had evidence to get rid of.

He reached towards his belt, and grasped the handle of his Magyar sword, pulling it out of the dimensional rift he kept it in around his left-side waist. He quickly closed the distance, and pulled out his sword, slashing upwards. Blood splashed the wall to his right, and a deep gash appeared in his back. He fell onto his face, blood soaking into his hoodie, and already beginning to pool around him.

Alucard leaned in close, examining the damage. The gash was deep indeed, slicing through ribs and severing his spine, opening up veins that were close to his arteries.

He didn't have long.

Alucard knelt down beside him, saying, "Finish what you were telling me, and I swear to you, your sire won't ever do anything like this again."

The homunculus chuckled, the act pushing blood out of his wound.

"What could you possibly hope to do against them?"

"Simple", Alucard told him, sheathing his sword. "Either they comply, or they die."

The homunculus turned his head to look at him.

"Do you have that power?"

"Of course", Alucard told him. "Now, tell me everything."

...

Pip was doing his best to shoo away the lady-boys that had shot his man, but it already wasn't looking good for him. A chest cavity shot, easily fatal, and the man wasn't moving. A closer inspection revealed he wasn't breathing either.

Their first casualty had been because of a botched mugging by a group of Taiwanese traps.

This mission was already chocking up to be the clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks, and as far as he knew, they hadn't even eliminated their first target yet.

Everyone else was already piled out. When Seras saw the man lying on the ground, she put her hands over her mouth. The Californian put his hands behind his head. The soft-spoken mid-westerner put his hands on his hips, angrily shaking his head, and the southerner took his hat off, slapping it down on the ground with an angry thump.

Around that time, Alucard showed up. He looked at the man lying on the ground. Then he turned back to Pip.

"What in the absolute fuck happened here?"

"Thai lady-boys", Pip told him.

Alucard nodded, as if those three words cleared up everything. He turned around, and said to the group, "What's the moral of the story here?"

"Never trust strange lady-boys", the southerner said.

"Good job, uh... funny, but I don't recall getting your name."

Right then, police sirens began blaring.

"Cops a-comin'", Alucard declared, "which means we're a-leavin'. Pack up, let's jet."

Everyone jumped back into the SUV, and Alucard hurriedly got into the driver's seat. He put the car in reverse, then put it in drive, and then drove like crazy for the next three hours, zipping, zooming, and going around in circles to lose the cops. When it was clear that they weren't being followed, Alucard turned around to go back to their hotel once again.

Pulling back up to the hotel, the men immediately piled out, their eyes scanning the world around them, watching for potential threats. Perhaps they were thinking, geez, you drop your guard for one second... Alucard was just wondering how nobody noticed a flock of Taiwanese traps pulling a man out of the car they were all sitting in.

Nevertheless, as they trudged through the lobby, with defeat in their figures, the guy at the desk with the acne waved Alucard over. Alucard walked up at a brisk pace, and leaned on the counter, laying his elbow across it.

"I got your TV's hooked up, sir", the kid said with a smile. "Netflix is yours."

"Thanks, buddy", Alucard told him. He tapped the counter twice, saying, "Tell you what. On top of that 25% tip, I'll give you a favor. Anything you need, one time."

"Woah, really", the kid asked, his eyes wide. Apparently, he had caught on that Alucard was the kind of guy who could make things like that happen. He remained quiet for a moment, and then said, "Let me think about it."

"Good", Alucard said, realizing that he had just made another good investment. "Leave me a note under my door. Be discreet."

"Absolutely, sir", the kid said with a smile. "And have yourself a good day!"

"Sure thing, kid", Alucard said, and made his way back up to the penthouse suite.

Today was a horrible day, and Alucard wanted to unwind. Naturally, in order to do this, he would kick his apprentice out of his room, and watch the Clone Wars for the eleventh time. He would watch a vampire movie... if there were any good ones on Netflix. But the best he had seen was Underworld, and even that was average at best. Blade was far better, but it was more shoot-em-up, less story, and he was in the mood for a story-telling. To top it all off, of course, Netflix wasn't hosting it.

Clone Wars it was.

He opened his penthouse door to find Seras sitting on the edge of the bed, looking downtrodden.

"Get up, get lost", Alucard told her.

She looked hurt.

"I need some alone time. Go find something fun to do."

"Bloody hell", she muttered, and continued to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You got wax in your ears? Scram."

"Can we talk?"

"About that guy? Later. For now, no."

"Bloody hell", she muttered again.

When she made no move to leave, Alucard began sucking in air. He was going to roast her like an absolute legend, when a knock on the door drew him from his forming arguments. Confused, he pulled out one of his silverballers, and walked towards the door. He cracked it open just a little bit, to find Pip, with his eyepatch, a towel thrown over his shoulder, shirtless, with swimming trunks on that looked like a French flag.

Of course he would have swimming trunks like that, Alucard thought with a mental sigh.

"What do you want", Alucard asked, the impatience clear in his voice.

"Me and the boys just found out that this place has a huge pool", Pip explained. "We plan on celebrating the little victories. Care to join us?"

"Forget it", Alucard told him. "I just got Netflix hooked up, I hear a bottle of wine calling my name, and even if I didn't have those things to hold my attention, your abs wouldn't do me much better. Also, fuck hotel swimming pools. Them motherfuckers got too much chlorine in them."

Pip shrugged, mumbling, "Geez, fine", and turned to leave.

"I'll go with you", Seras pipped up from the background.

Alucard turned a curious gaze towards her. She returned it with a glare, then stood up, and rummaged around in her bag.

"I brought a onesie for just this occasion", she informed.

"The hell", Alucard asked, confused. "You brought a swimsuit?"

"If you were there for the after-meeting", Seras told him, throwing her swimsuit over her shoulder and walking towards the door, "you might have brought one too."

She shoved past him, and walked out into the hall. All of the three Americans who were left were there in their trunks, looking like they didn't have a stick rammed up their ass for once. Pip casually stretched out his arm, saying, "Welcome to the party!"

Seras glanced back at Alucard from over her shoulder, saying, "Come on, guys. Let's go."

"Wow", Alucard said, as the group left him behind. "That's the best you could come up with? Really?"

The group threw confused glances from over their shoulders, but other than that, they didn't really seem to care. Alucard gave a "Psh", and closed the door, locking it behind him. Time to chill out.

...

James Braid had, over the past hundred and fifty years, been fully converted.

He had, at the start of his career, believed that hypnotism was nothing more than a small fix for small problems. He had believed that anyone who had believed that hypnotism was the answer to everything was either a fool and therefore not worth anyone's time listening to, or a fool's follower, thereby worse and far stupider.

Until he had hypnotized a vampire, accidentally unlocking the secrets to immortality.

Now, he had an army of followers who looked like normal, everyday men, but who would die for him in a heartbeat. And furthermore, he was immortal. He owned every inch of this city, and anyone who didn't like it could piss off... or die.

And now this dickhead, Alucard or whatever, had shown up, with the purpose of destroying him? Banish the thought! Clearly, he needed to demonstrate why he was the man who ran this place.

And as he crept closer towards the penthouse suite door, he couldn't help but grin, knowing tonight was going to be quite genuinely fun.