Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a crisis situation is to do everything you would normally do like nothing is wrong. That was the tactic I took after the Turks released me from "prison". And eventually, I was able to strike such a debilitating blow to them that they reeled from it for years. All because I took them unaware; because I drew them out, not the other way around. Sound tactics are only useful if your enemy isn't expecting them, and if you act like everything's wrong, they're going to know that you're planning something. So relax, Jack; chill out while the earth crumbles around you. You'll find that it does you wonders.

-excerpt from the Vampire Journals

Chapter 7: Hot on the Block

As soon as the sun started coming up, Alucard woke up the Mercs and Seras.

"Get your shit together", Alucard told them. "We're going out."

"WHEN THE SUN'S OUT", Seras shouted. "WE'LL DIE!"

"Who told you that", Alucard asked.

"Well", Seras stuttered, "you know, everyone?!"

"Intellectual dumbass", Alucard tutted. "Don't listen to the Lame Stream Media so much. Sunlight doesn't kill vampires."

Seras looked at him for a moment.

"It doesn't?"

"Nope. Granted, we own the night. Plenty of cover, night vision, you get it. But you're not weaker and you won't be killed outright by sunlight."

In fact, that had been the case not too long ago. The sunlight would at least weaken a vampire's power, back when Dracula was in his prime. Even that wasn't too difficult to overcome; he still had his physical strength granted to him, including certain enhancements. Even today, the most that happened to him was that it became rather difficult to release his restraints to unleash his power.

So, he was still a super enhanced war machine. No loss there. And telling Seras that there would be no negative stats for her wouldn't affect her, given that she had no concept of power or its battlefield applications.

So, he gathered up his men, and prepared for an assault the enemy wouldn't soon forget. It would be one for the books, a practical application of the Crescent Moon strategy.

Draw 'em out, fuck 'em up.

The Turks had taught him this strategy towards the end of the Ten Years, and he had used it against them in warfare more than once. It was a simple strategy; position your forces for a weak attack, draw your enemy out to meet them, make a desperate retreat, and then pincer them with the superior forces you had waiting to either side of them. The formation on a medieval battlefield often resembled a large crescent, and since the crescent moon was on the Turk banner, it was quickly dubbed the "Crescent Moon maneuver".

And damn it if he wasn't going to use it to full effect today.

The anchor of the line would be an abandoned house he had scouted out while everyone had been sleeping. The weaker forces would consist of everyone in the room, and the superior forces... well, he thought with a smile, I'm about to take the Castle Law to a whole new level.

Crescent... crescent... croissant...

"Kwas-on", he said quietly, an evil grin spreading across his face.

"What was that", Pip asked, as he passed by him, bumping him slightly in the tight confines of the room.

"DAMNIT PIP", Alucard roared, "YOU ALMOST MADE ME DROP MY CROISSANT!"

...

Alucard told Pip to park the SUV over by the abandoned house, and then the group began trudging into the city proper. The sun was high in the sky, and the plan had finally been worked completely out. When they had all made it to a sleepy street, Alucard called for a halt.

"So, here's the plan", Alucard told the big group. "There's a bigass group of highly hypnotized retards with full retard loadouts. So, how do you deal with a big group of retards when you're a small group of retards? Spread out, play to your strengths."

Alucard pointed at the three Americans individually.

"You three fuckers all get to be one group."

He pointed to Pip and Seras.

"And you two get to be a group."

"What about you", Seras asked Alucard.

"Me", Alucard asked back. "Why, I'm a group all of my own! I'll be fine. In fact, before I forget", he said, leaning forward, and producing one of his .454's, and pushed it towards her. "You shouldn't need to use any more ammo than what's in the gun."

Seras looked hesitant. The last time she had taken a gun from him, he knew, she had killed an innocent man. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she doubted herself. She needed his guidance.

"I trust you", he told her. "Go ahead, take it."

She looked hesitantly for only a moment more. Then she took the gun from his hand, and tried to shove it into her waistband, tucking her shirt around it. It bulged quite obviously, but it was better than her being unarmed.

He backed up, asking, "So, if you were vacationing in the city here, where would you go?"

"I'd find Benjamin Franklin's grave", the Californian said, "and I'd take a shit on it."

"Geez, what'd he do to you?"

"He suggested daylight savings", the mid-westerner explained.

"Oh, ok", Alucard agreed. "Fuck him."

"Also, he was an all-around douchebag", the southerner piped up. "Dude had people carry him around on a throne like some kind of fat douchebag king."

"You know what", Alucard said, looking at the southerner, "from now on, you shall be known as Post Malone."

The southerner shrugged.

"Well, he does come from Texas."

"Really", Alucard said, surprised. "I would've never guessed."

"Then why Post Malone?"

"Because my grandma's probably heard of you", Alucard explained, "with history knowledge like that."

Post Malone shrugged again.

"Fair enough."

"Alright, so", Alucard affirmed, pointing at the American group, "grave defilers on point. Pip, Seras, where do you want to go?"

Seras was quiet for a moment. After it seemed apparent that she wasn't going to answer, Pip spoke up.

"I've been interested in the history of this city ever since we got in it", Pip explained. "If it's alright with the madam, I'd like to see some of the house-museums they have around here."

Seras nodded her agreement.

"House museums? Really?"

"The big museum's cost money to get into."

"Fair enough. Then I shall go out and find the best cheesesteaks in town", Alucard exclaimed.

"Oh, I see", the mid-westerner remarked.

"Got something to say, broke ass", Alucard quipped.

"So you're just not gonna get us cheesesteaks?"

"After it's all said and done" Alucard huffed. "But only if you pay with your own money!"

"I'm down", the Californian said.

"Same", Post Malone seconded.

"Willco", the mid-westerner thirded.

"Seems fair", Pip fourthed.

"I forgot my purse at home", Seras fifthed.

"Fine", Alucard said, deflated. "Now, scram!"

...

As the Americans went on their way to go shit on Benjamin Franklin's grave, Alucard went on his merry way to go find the best cheesesteak in Philidelphia, which, by terrorizing various crowds of people, he soon found came down to two separate places; either of which may have been in the Rocky movie, and both of which were rude, crass, and hated each other; Pat's King of Steaks, and Geno's Steaks.

More than likely, Pat's King of Steaks had been the place, but hey, who cared about specifics when you could argue forever and both get notoriety about it. Alucard made his way to Pat's first.

He knew almost immediately that he had reached the place when he heard shouting in Philly accents. When he came around his corner, he witnessed a sight to behold. A Karen was ordering some dumpy food from the guy behind the counter, and apparently, she wasn't big on respecting the Philly culture.

"Yes, hi, I would like a-"

"The fuck you mean you'd 'like'?! Are you here to like the food, or eat it?!"

"Exc-USE me?"

"You heard me with your lip implants. Either order your damn food, or get lost."

"I want to speak to your manager immediately!"

"I own this establishment. Beat it, lady."

The Karen turned white, and walked away without another word. Alucard's sharp teeth began to show beneath his curling lips. This was, beyond doubt, his kind of establishment.

Alucard moseyed on up, waiting in the line for a moment. When he got to the front, he said the famous line;

"Give me one with whiz, and with onions."

And just because he couldn't help but to start shit, he continued, "I've been wanting to say that ever since I saw Rocky!"

The guy behind the counter apparently heard that one a lot, so, while still making his cheesesteak, he commented, "When did you see Rocky?"

Now, as every Philadelphian knew, it was a mortal sin not to have been raised on Rocky, so this dickhead probably thought he was going to say ten years ago at least.

"How many hours ago was yesterday?"

This, of course, set the man to a tirade.

"Fuckin' cocksucka! You scumbag piece o' shit! Disgusting fucking abomination of... hey, did you want fries with that?"

"Do you do cheesefries?"

"Who the fuck do you think I am, mothafucka?! Do cows do milkmaking?! Do fish do swimming? Do cats do sleeping?! Of course I do cheesefries, smartass!"

After a long tirade, his food was done.

As the man pushed the vampire's stuff through the window, he mumbled, "Don't worry about the bill, man. It's not every day I get to bust someone's balls."

"I appreciate it", Alucard said with a heavy grin, and turned around, walking off to find a quiet place to eat his cheesesteak.

Eventually, he caught a whiff of Seras on the wind, and decided to figure out where she and Pip had gone to. He inconspicuously followed their scent, munching on cheesefries as he went. He eventually caught sight of them entering a small house-museum.

Brokeass, he thought, as he sat down on a bench to munch on his sandwich. Meh, it's ok, I guess.

As he began to piece together why it was so odd that they would go to a house-museum... and why this particular house looked familiar... a cold, wet cloth was pushed very roughly against his face. To Alucard, it smelled exactly like chloroform.

"Really, dude", he shouted through the sandwich in his mouth and the cloth on his face, "I just took a bite and you're gonna go and knock me out right when I'm eating something? Where the fuck are your manners?! I'll have you know that I-"

With that, he passed out.

...

"Well, this one looks interesting", Pip said, pointing to a sign over a particular museum-house. "The Schutler Family and Philadelphia."

"I'm up for anything at this point", Seras remarked.

If she was being honest with herself, going and seeing a bunch of house-museums would have been the absolute last thing she would want to do if she was on vacation. She hadn't been particularly interested in minor history, or even major history for that matter, as a living being, and as an undead one, she still didn't find it all that fascinating. That being said, Master had told her that she should research history, and she took that to mean all history, no matter how small. If she could get a glimpse in the life of what was obviously an immigrant family in Philadelphia, maybe she could, by extension, learn where James Braid would have gone to hide.

And Pip was kind of handsome. In a rugged-hipster sort of way.

"Very well", Pip told her. "The Schutler Family it is!"

The two of them entered the small house together, and were immediately greeted by a very happy elderly woman. She immediately began directing them around the house, showing them to all of the high points of the Schutler family; how they stormed the beaches of Normandy at Dog Red during WWII, how they had worked in a steel mill until they had ascended the ranks to own it, how they had fought and died at Vietnam, and how they had come to America during the Great Depression because there was still more opportunity in America than in Germany.

Around that time, Pip glanced over at her, asking, "So... what about World War One?"

For a moment, the old lady didn't say anything. It seemed like she was suddenly rather hesitant.

"There's no need to be ashamed", Pip told her. "Everyone starts someone."

"Of course", the elderly lady told him. "Everyone starts a child, working their way through the world. I'll tell you, young man, you and your misses are very lucky to have each other!"

The color drained from Seras' face. She and Pip were most definitely not a couple. In fact, she was about to say as much, when Pip put his arm around her.

"Indeed", Pip told her, "a lucky man I am!"

Seras stood as still as a statue, not having the slightest clue as to what to say.

"Ah", the old lady exclaimed. "You two are so adorable together! Well, how can I resist such a happy couple! Sure, I'll tell you the story of how the Schutler family faired during the Great War!"

She immediately took them over to a small closet, and began rummaging around in it until she produced a small suitcase. She opened it up, and produced a small black-and-white picture. On it were positioned several tough-looking men in German Imperial uniforms, with Stahlhelms on their heads, various crude-looking arms in their hands, including Gewehr's, MP-18's, Chauchats, swords, and even clubs, and in the center of them was a man in steel lobster-armor, a bag at his side with Stielhand grenades sticking out the top, with goggles on his head, another steel plate over the front of his helmet, and a big grin on his face. He seemed to be waving at the camera.

The woman pointed to the smiling, waving man in lobster-armor, saying, "This is Rudolph Schutler, my great-grandfather!"

But Seras' gaze wasn't focused on him. Next to Rudolph was a man with a large machinegun at his side, gleaming knight armor covering every inch of his body, minus his head, which had long hair flowing behind it, and a professional gaze covering a face that immediately reminded her of Ewan McGregor.

And next to him, with a wicked grin covering his face, was none other than Alucard.

He was unmistakable with his getup, the same red duster covering the gray two-piece, the same red tie on the same white shirt, the same glasses, even the same hat. The only difference was that the snow-white gloves on his hands were devoid of the ornate pentagrams he had on them now.

The old lady followed her gaze.

"Oh, that", she said with a smile. "that's Old Alucard."

"Oh", Seras said, trying not to let her voice shake. "I-is that s-so?"

"He's big and scary, I know", she said with a smile in her voice. "But he's gentle as a teddy bear."

After a moment of thought, the old lady commented, "Well, on the battlefield he wasn't. But I suppose, no man is."

"Oh, really", Pip asked, able to contain his shock better than Seras was.

"Papa Rudolph used to say... God rest his soul… that Old Alucard could have won the war by himself. He said that every Stormtrooper who ever saw him fight was in awe and swoon at his skill. That's what Papa Rudolph was, you know, a Stormtrooper, but he and the rest of the men in this picture, they were part of an elite team, one called an Extermination Force."

"Extermination Force, eh", Pip inquired. "What exactly were they exterminating?"

"Well", the old lady said, hesitation returning to her figure. "It's sort of silly to think about now, but... well..."

"Madam", Pip told her, "in all of my years as a mercenary, I have encountered things that people have claimed to be extinct or even myth altogether on quite a regular basis. Whatever you have to say, I will pass no judgement upon you or Papa Rudolph."

The old lady smiled big, and walked over to Seras, pinching her cheeks.

"What a lucky girl you are, to have such a gentleman saddled with you!"

Seras didn't like her cheeks being pinched, but for the old lady's sake, she tolerated it.

"Well, Papa Rudolph... well, it might just be a mistranslation, but he said that... they were fighting vampires, who were hell-bent on taking over the world, and were aligned with the British Empire."

Pip nodded, saying, "The German word for Vampire is Vampir, so I doubt it was a mistranslation. Maybe a misinterpretation, but it's hard to tell a soldier who saw a battle with his own eyes what he did and didn't see. Therefore, with greatest respect to you, Papa Rudolph, and your family name", Pip smiled, "I believe that Papa Rudolph was telling the truth."

The old lady smiled wide. Tears began brimming in her eyes.

And then her face exploded.

Seras screamed as blood splashed over her face, and Pip automatically reached for his 1911. By the time he had it yanked out of the holster, he had identified three men in black uniforms, carrying suppressed handguns. One of them was adjusting his aim towards Seras. He wouldn't be able to adjust his own aim in time to kill him.

Half of his own head disappeared in a red spray, as Seras, who had the .454 in her hand, and had a red gleam in her eyes, screamed, "HOW DARE YOU!"

Pip reached out his arm, grabbing her shoulder, pulling her out of harm's way, as he unloaded his 1911, hitting one of the men twice. Pip dragged Seras towards what looked like a back door, and threw his shoulder into it, sending it crashing off of its hinges, and onto the street below. He jumped over the three steps, landing right into the street. Bullets whizzed right over his head, and he snapped his 1911 up, wildly returning fire into roughly the direction of where the fire had come from. By then, his magazine was empty, and he dropped it for another one, ripping it out of a velcro pouch, and smashing it into the magwell.

Seras jumped out of the door behind him, and fired the .454 twice. Pip heard someone scream down the alley, but he didn't look up. He had found a good spot of cover, a small brick wall, and he dashed towards it, hiding behind it. He turned his head to see if Seras was behind him, and to his surprise, he felt her press up behind him. He turned to see that she had curled up next to him, with a somewhat terrified look on her face.

Pip stood up, looking over the small wall. Directly in front of them, several more walls hid their assailants, and behind them, the alley deadended in the Schutler house. Their only way out was to fight through the enemy.

"What kind of asshole designs an alley like this", Pip grumbled, as he ducked back down, narrowly avoiding enemy fire.

...

Alucard woke up quick. Of course, he was in a makeshift ambulance, on a stretcher, with the straps covering him. He could hear at least two people rummaging around near him. He couldn't feel his hat over his head, despite the fact that he still had his glasses on, but he could feel the cold steel of his .454 pressed against him, and he knew that they had fucked up.

They had fucked up regardless, but they had really fucked up this time.

He snapped the restraints and sat straight up.

Given these two men's reaction, they were not hypnotized. They stood like deer in headlights, staring at him, clearly never having prepared for him to be awake and alert.

"'Forgetting something", Alucard asked, withdrawing his .454.

"Oh, shi-"

The guy who was talking's face repositioned itself onto the wall behind him, along with everything inside of it. The other guy, obviously the smarter of the two, turned and jumped out the door. He wasn't fast enough.

Two more shots sent him careening out the back of the ambulance with lances of blood following him. It splashed to the ground in front of him, and he fell to the ground, mouth agape, gasping for air like a fish out of water.

This, of course, elicited screams from passersby's out in public, and a few ballsy people whipped their phones out to record the proceedings. Alucard didn't care. People were more likely to dismiss it as fake anyway, and it was only going to get on the LiveLeak side of the web after what he was about to do.

He stood up, hopped off the stretcher, and stepped down, calmly, out of the ambulance. He started a calm, steady pace towards the house museum that his apprentice had disappeared into, sensing that she was in trouble. As he passed by the dying man, he put another round into the back of his head, splashing blood and brain matter all over the ground in front of him, and drawing more screams from the crowd.

Ignoring the screaming onlookers, Alucard walked calmly into the house.

Upon clearing the doorframe, he glanced up at the large clock situated above the archway leading to the living room.

"It's about noon", Alucard thought out loud.

His gaze turned towards a group of black-clad operators that lay at his feet. Then his eyes drifted towards the old lady crumpled on the floor, and his gaze softened. That was why the house was so familiar. It was the house of the Schutler family.

Rudolph's babies.

It wasn't like he had sworn an oath to defend them, but he still felt guilty seeing that body on the ground. He didn't know if he should do anything to the body, or say something gushy, but everything he thought of didn't feel right. Eventually, he just decided to walk away. It was just another chapter in his long book closed.

Gunshots coming from the back of the house snapped his attention around to the back door. He moved swiftly in that direction, and when he made it to the doorframe, he beheld a sight beyond it that made his teeth cringe. The alley ahead of him deadended, with small... what he could only describe as brick "fins" coming off the sides of the alley forming little lots.

"What kind of asshole builds an alley like this", Alucard muttered.

Alucard swept the alley with his eyes, looking around at where everyone was. Behind the fin closest to him, Seras and Pip were crouched down. The three other fins beyond that were occupied by people who were obviously trying to kill them, judging by the gunfire.

The people in the first fin began to shift their fire towards the doorframe, and simultaneously, Pip stood up to take shots at them. Alucard raised his .454 and turned the three men behind the first fin into blood stains on the ground behind them. Pip, overwhelmed by confusion, examined his 1911.

"Master", Seras cried out, at the sight of Alucard walking up towards them.

A shot rang out, and blood splashed out of Alucard's back. Without flinching, he quickly turned, and blasted the offender's head off of his shoulders. The others began to get the idea and ducked their whole bodies down behind the fins.

Pip, raising an eyebrow, asked Alucard, "So, how did you get here so fast?"

"Oh, you know", Alucard told him dismissively, "just thought I had to be in Compton soon."

"Huh", Pip asked.

Ah, Alucard remembered. He's French. He doesn't know about that gude shite.

"I've gotta get drunk before the day begins", Alucard muttered.

"Sorry", Seras asked.

"EAT SHIT AND DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS", one of the dickwads from the other fins shouted, and he threw a small orb towards the group.

"Yoink", Alucard said, as he swiped it out of the air.

Pip pointed towards the orb, stuttering and sputtering, and as soon as she figured out what it was, Seras did too.

"So", Alucard told them, casually tossing the grenade in the air and catching it, "you all probably want to get out of here, right? Here's the plan; Pip, go run off and find your butt-buddies; Police Girl, you come with me, and we can do some more sightseeing!"

He tossed the grenade over his shoulder, proclaiming, "Yeet!"

The grenade exploded in the air above the rearmost fin, and no one got up to prove that they had survived. With that, Alucard motioned the two back into the house. They stashed their weapons and quickly exited out the front, Seras with Alucard, and Pip darting off to find his men.

Out front of the house, a camera crew had begun setting up... which was quite odd of them to do before they had police protection, but that was the least of his concerns. He and Seras had to get lost before Mom started bitching.

When they had made it a safe distance past the onlookers, they began to walk at a more inconspicuous pace. Alucard removed his glasses and put them in a pocket in his coat. Seras took note of this but didn't ask about it. If Alucard was doing something... well, to quote Pip, he must have "his reasons".

It reminded her, momentarily, of the gun stuffed in her pants. She produced it as subtly as she could and passed it to Alucard. Alucard took it from her hands, pulled the magazine out of it, and put a full one into the well. Then he passed it back.

"Oh, I", Seras hesitated, "I don't need it."

"Yes you do", he said without any humor in his voice.

She quietly took the gun from his hand, stuffing it back into her pants. They walked along in silence for a while, Seras wondering why Alucard had suddenly put so much faith in her, and Alucard wondering if he could find tacos that were half-decent in this city.

"We're being followed", Alucard calmly told her. "Don't look."

Of course, Seras turned her head to look behind her. Behind them was a fairly strong and nasty looking man following at a small distance. Muscles bulged beneath his jacket, and he had two long scars across his face. Seras couldn't see any weapons on him, but she could guess that he had some.

"I said don't look, dummy!"

She turned back immediately.

"Here's the plan; split up, pincer him."

"How-"

"Go", Alucard said, and disappeared down an alley.

A bewildered Seras looked around, and found another alleyway to duck into, and immediately raced into it. She briefly looked up, noticing that she couldn't see the sun anymore, even though the sky was still full and bright... so, it had to be sometime after two o' clock.

She glanced towards a small dumpster, filled to the brim with trash bags, wondering if she could maybe hide behind it and ambush the man following her and Master. She wrinkled her nose as the smell began wafting towards her, but as soon as she allowed her eyes to wander, she caught a sight that made her freeze. Towards the end of the dumpster, a pair of red eyes stared at her. These eyes were in a pale white head, which ended in a shock of blond hair. If this thing was standing at its full height, it was no more than two and a half feet tall.

The eyes were simply staring, doing nothing more than observing, communicating no other emotions than intrigue. Seras felt like she couldn't look away, as if her gaze was held to those eyes like metal to magnets. Her body felt frozen in time, unable to move itself, so long as that gaze held her.

A tapping sound from behind broke her concentration, and she spun around to see what it was. At the end of the alleyway stood the guy who had been following them, a long, wickedly curved knife in his hands, tapping against the wall to his right. For a moment, Seras glanced back at the dumpster, seeing if those eyes were still there. They were gone.

"I'll give you two choices", the man at the end of the alleyway said, snapping her attention back to him. "I can open you up like this", the man said, pulling a finger across his throat, "or I can open you up like this", the man ended with a motion that Seras was fairly certain mimed him unzipping his pants.

A wave of nausea suddenly swept over Seras. Her disgust must have been visible to the man at the end of the alleyway, because he seemed to revel in it, his grin growing wider. He took a step forward, and as he did so, Seras reached for the gun in her pants.

A figure swept up behind the man, grabbed him by his head, and began repeatedly smashing it into the wall next to him. It was so sudden and so violent that Seras almost didn't recognize it as the actions of her Master. When the man's face had been completely painted on the wall, Alucard finally let him fall to the ground, huffing through teeth that were clenched in a snarl.

After a moment of him standing like that, rage seething from him, he closed his eyes, and sealed his lips back up. He opened his eyes again, a surprisingly calm demeaner washing over him. He turned his gaze towards Seras.

"I hate rapists", he told her, almost as if he felt he needed to explain his actions.

He put on his wicked grin once more, but Seras was beginning to believe it wasn't as genuine as she had once thought. Alucard advanced towards her, and behind him, Pip had arrived with all three Americans, alive and well. She began to allow herself a smile. Things were looking up.

The sound of a can rolling on the roof brought her attention up. On the roof overlooking Alucard was a tiny figure, in a little white dress, with pale skin and shockingly blonde hair.

The little girl jumped down from the roof, and landed squarely on Alucard's back.

"AGH", Alucard yelled, "get her off me!"

He began flailing his limbs and shaking his body, trying to rid himself of the small child. Seras, in a blind panic, yanked the .454 out of her waistband. Over Alucard's shoulder, she could see the Americans and Pip training their weapons.

But it was too late; the little creature raised her head, and sank her fangs into Alucard's neck.

Alucard seized up, a stricken expression on his face.

For a heart-stopping moment, Seras truly believed that Alucard, her Master, had died. She didn't know, and couldn't even begin to grasp, the rules of his powers and lives. If another vampire bit him, and drained him of his blood, would that be enough to kill him?

This train of thought caused her to hesitate.

Alucard's face went slack, the grin reappearing. He parted his lips, and lolled his tongue out of his mouth, making the same sound a child would to make to signal death in a game of pretend. The small vampire child on his back released her bite, and proudly held her head up, squeezing her eyes tight to make way for the huge smile that graced her face.

"I got you, daddy!"

"You sure did, Alley", Alucard said, reaching his arm around to grasp her around the waist, and turning her around so he could cradle her.

Seras was still trying to process what was happening in front of her. Alucard, taking note of that, gently chuckled.

"I'm unoriginal with names, sue me."

When Seras' eye began twitching, and her gun wouldn't lower, he said, in a calm, commanding voice, "Put the gun away, Police Girl. You got the bad guy."

"Yeah, Police Girl", Alley, the small child, echoed. "I already won! That means you lose! So you can't hurt me!"

"Impeccable logic, little one", Alucard affirmed, holding up his hand for a high-five. Upon receiving one, he pumped his fist in victory, his grin growing wider.

Finally, Seras had fired the brain synapses to speak.

"DADDY?!"

"Yes, child", Alucard asked mockingly.

The child wrapped her arms around Alucard's neck, a smug grin spreading across her face.

Pip was the first one to voice what was truly on everyone else's mind.

"What the fuck?"

"Hey, watch your language", Alucard chastised. "There's a child here!"

"Yeah, ya big meanie", Alley echoed.

"She... that", Seras stuttered, pointing towards Alley, "that's... your...daughter?"