The fire burned in the furnace, giving light to the room around. It burned brighter and brighter, eventually revealing an occupied Laz-E-Ass chair. In the mouth of the occupant, a long tobacco pipe smoked like a locomotive, burning bright enough to reveal the face of Pootis McTootis. As the pipe caught fire, he leaned over to the nightstand, and pressed the play button on a cassette player.
"This is for Rachel, you big, fat, white, nasty-smellin' fat bitch", the player told the room.
Confused, Pootis McTootis returned his gaze to the player.
"Why you took me off the mothafuckin schedule wichyo triflin, dirty, white, racist ass, you big fat bitch", the cassette player continued.
With an exasperated shrug, Pootis McTootis grabbed another cassette.
"Oompa Loompa body-ass bitch." the cassette player continued.
Its fun was cut short by Pootis McTootis opening up the cassette deck, and inserting another tape. This time, when he closed it back up, it played Eminem's Without Me.
"Guess who's back... back again... Alley's back... tell a friend."
Pootis McTootis pushed the cassette player off of the stand before it could say more, shattering it on the ground. He pulled the still-burning pipe out of his mouth, and tossed it onto the floor.
"Yes", he told the audience, "I'm back, and fortunately, so is Alucard. Hopefully, we won't ever have another interruption like this again. The story of why I had to take a break from this is both long and stupid, so I won't tell it for the sake of everyone's sanity. What I will say is that while I was gone, I was still able to get some writing done... by hand, like a fucking neanderthal."
He held up a blue notepad, and then threw it over his shoulder. It flew through a window, smashing it to pieces.
"And while I get to work transcribing all of it, in the meantime, I've got a little treat for you all. Remember that walk that Alucard took? Well, he had himself an adventure while he was on that walk, and I'm going to spell it out for you here. On top of that, I'm gonna give you another chapter a day after this, as an apology for being late. Without further ado, let's get it."
The fire died down, leaving Pootis McTootis in the shadows again.
...
He had no idea where he was going, only that he was going. His mood was sour, his view was tunnel, and his feet were moving. His feet were moving, his teeth were grinding, and his mind was racing.
Integra. He knew right after he had called her a whore that it had been wrong. A mistake to end all mistakes, in fact. He had known her play as soon as he could step back and see how the pieces all fit together.
She hated being alone. Even though she buried that fact in her work... which even Alucard thought was a damn good excuse... she understood perfectly well how lonely she was, and, by extension, how exponentially lonely Alucard must have felt, having been alive... and alone... for far longer than she had been alive.
The problem was, even though she had grown into a real hard-ass, she sometimes had trouble separating fiction from reality... well, fantasy from reality. That had mostly been Arthur's fault; the man had filled his daughters head with stories about "true love" before he had left her, mostly because she had been a little girl when he had left her, and she had never been given the hard lesson in life that "star-crossed lovers", and "missing halves" didn't actually exist. It was partially Alucard's fault too. Occasionally, she would confide in him that she was still awaiting her knight in shining armor... and he never worked up the courage to tell her that one wasn't coming.
True, none of what she believed directly affected her work... with on glaring exception.
She thought that if Alucard had a chance to right the wrongs done to Anna, that maybe, just maybe, the two of them had a chance at a happily ever after. Because, in her mind, love still won the day, slayed the dragon, and triumphed against evil. Five hundred odd years of life had taught Alucard a very different lesson; hate wins and go fuck yourself.
He hated being mad at Integra like this. She was just trying to help, just trying to help him, even if it was stupid how she was going about it. He didn't want to be mad at her, but he couldn't deny that he was mad. He wanted to break something, to taste blood on his tongue, to kill... no, to FIGHT! Like in the old days; him, his opponent, the will to feel a fist connecting with flesh, a blunt weapon breaking bone, a sword rending, spilling blood, blood, BLOOD! Oh, the impaling when he won, watching his despised foe slide to their doom on the weight of their crimes, their failures, their very selves! To LIVE again! To FIGHT again! To be at one with the war and at war with the world! To be free of his torment, to punish the wicked for their-
SQUISH.
"GOD, DAMNIT", Alucard roared, as he observed the bottom of his shoe, "I stepped in dog shit!"
As he wiped his foot on the grass at his feet, he muttered to himself, "Fucking dogs, mangy, unthinking, bottom-feeding-"
Grass. He was standing on grass. He had left the concrete jungle, and now he was somewhere he had not yet been. Tilting his head up revealed a park, with gently rolling hills reaching up to meet a soft sunset, populated only sparsely by shade trees, the place otherwise abandoned and empty.
Save for three figures standing directly in the shade of a tree.
Alucard could smell it, their tainted blood. He knew what they were before he knew who they were. The shadows concealed their faces, but the wind revealed their nature, and their intentions. A gust of wind blew back the center vampire's coat, revealing a glint from a blade at his hip. As the sun began to crawl behind the gently rolling hills, the glint faded, and a rumbling chuckle resounded deep in Alucard's chest.
"Oh boy", Alucard proclaimed with a grin, "it's the three Stooges!"
The one to the left stepped forward first. He revealed himself in the dying light to be a young black male, thin almost to the point of emaciation. He wore a baggy shirt, a gold chain, and a wide smile that revealed sharp fangs.
"You're the funny one", Alucard declared, as he pointed the thin boy out.
The one to the right stepped forward next, revealing himself to be none other than James Braid, still alive, albeit covered in tattered clothing which revealed numerous scars and a missing arm.
"You're the stupid one", Alucard declared. He pointed to the one in the middle, saying, "Which means you must be..."
The middle figure stepped forward into the fading fingers of light to reveal a dark complexion, red robes, and a curved blade at his hip. Alucard hissed, and immediately reached for his own sword.
"The surprise", the Janissary offered.
Alucard grimaced, and released one of his restraints. His face further paled, his coat changing into one which was cut up, blackened, and covered in restraining belts. His hair grew longer, and blew behind him in the breeze.
"He said you would react like this", the Janissary told him, "that you would hate me when you saw me. I recognize the robes you wear, though they are blackened by hatred, marred by ruthlessness, and covered in the fruits of your covenant with Abraham. I see that dog beneath your skin, clawing its way out of you, its face set to tear out our throats. If you fear such a creature, then why use it?"
"Because I'm Batman, bitch", Alucard said, composing himself. "Unlike Batman, though, I ain't gonna send you to Arkham Asylum; I was thinking you'd have a much better stay in the Arkham Morgue."
"Aight, shit, I see you", the black kid said, "but I'll raise you an ass whoopin'-"
"Quiet", the Janissary chastised. He returned his attention to Alucard, and continued, "We were brothers in creed, once... Janissary... and now we are brothers in blood. Yet, still, you fight us. What justification could possibly do for such a twisted quest?"
"I don't give a fuck", Alucard said with a shrug. "Tried it once, didn't like it."
"Aight, B, I feel you", the skinny black kid said. "But I know you catch them hoes, I fuck with that-"
"Shut up", the Janissary growled. "A man who doesn't care doesn't make his enemies suffer. What do you say to that?"
"Sometimes I get bored", Alucard said with a shrug.
"Damn, nigga, just play some video games or watch porn or somethin', then-"
"Shut UP."
"Look", Alucard interjected, "we could draw out this banter for two more episodes only to have a five-minute fight, or we could skip all of that shit, you tell me who sent you, and on my Scout's Honor I'll kill you quickly."
"Scout's Honor", the Janissary repeated with a click of his tongue. "I haven't heard that one before."
"An Boy Scout is", Alucard began, "Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. And you bet your ass he came to work strapped", he added, drawing the Magyar from its sheath.
"I lost an arm to you", James said. "I'm here for blood."
"I heard yo ass was fast", the black kid interjected. "Bitch, I've been outrunnin' the 5-Oh since I was five, and I'm here to take my crown back."
"Our way is to keep the creed", the Janissary said. "To become apostate is to deserve death."
Alucard focused on the... man... in the middle. Watched with pinpoint focus as his grip tightened around the handle of his sword. He looked to the folds of his uniform.
He had watched that uniform break down doors to the houses of his people. That uniform had raped their wives and slaughtered their children. That turban had washed over his people like a wave, crushing them endlessly. When he had returned home, they had begged him to make it stop, no matter the cost... and he, too, had wanted this symbol to stop haunting his nightmares.
Alucard remembered his brother in that moment. He mourned what they did to him. He mourned the man he would have become.
Should have become.
This was the religion that had slaughtered his people.
This was the religion that had chained him to a wall and tortured him endlessly.
This was the motherfucking religion of peace.
Alucard began to chuckle. The chuckling spilled into deep laughter. He threw his head back as evil laughter thundered across the hills, booming in the ears of his foes.
He lifted his sword, shouting, "I hoped you would say that!"
The one who had claimed to be fast flanked left, and Alucard had to admit, he didn't disappoint; the kid was easily faster than Kibbles 'n Bitch, clearing a perfect flank almost as fast as Alucard could blink. The kid drew an old-fashioned drum-mag laden Tommy Gun from behind his baggy shirt, and laid on the trigger, emptying the whole magazine in one go.
Alucard, not one to be outdone, especially down a level, swiped his sword quickly through the air, destroying every bullet sent his way; the last bullet, he caught between his teeth, shattering it with a satisfying crunch.
Too late, he realized that the kid had been a distraction. A bronze knife sunk into his shoulder, and he grunted, throwing an elbow, shattering James' nose. He spun around to swipe with the sword, but James had already beat a hasty retreat, making way for the Janissary.
Alucard brought his Magyar up just in time to deflect a downward strike aimed at his head. He spun, letting the Janissary's sword slide off his own, and leveled a strike at the Janissary's exposed back. The Janissary dodged, receiving only a glancing blow from Alucard's strike, cutting his flesh, but doing no real damage.
By then, the Janissary had retreated for a second attack from the Tommy gun wielding boy wonder. But as he brought the sub gun up, Alucard grabbed the handle of his Casul, firing through the holster and his coat. The boy's right hand was nearly severed by the massive round. He howled in pain, almost drowning out James yelling, "Switch!"
The boy threw the Tommy gun, and James threw the knife, giving Alucard enough time to sheath his sword, and draw his two handcannons. The Janissary was forced to press the attack in to maintain momentum, and he came in with the downward strike once more. Alucard crossed his chrome-plated cannons, catching the sword with ease. He tried to angle his pistols to get a shot off on the Janissary, but by then, James had the Tommy up, and was firing.
A round struck the Janissary in the shoulder, and he grunted, retreating quickly to allow Alucard to be shredded. However, he only got about half of the mag off before the kid began advancing for a stab through the neck. Alucard, having heard him coming, routed power to his legs, skipped out of the way, and fired his Casul again as he passed by. A dark, red hole appeared in the kid's head, and he fell to his knees.
The battlefield paused for a moment to observe the young vampire bring his hand up to his head, feeling his wound. Amazingly enough, the bullet didn't crumble or tumble through the brain, leaving it mostly intact, leaving his memories intact as well. Alucard grinned, and advanced on the kid, preparing to drain him quickly for information.
"Damn", the black kid said, "ni-"
A flash sliced through the boy's head, destroying his brain. His body crumpled to the ground at the feet of the Janissary, whose blade was covered in vampire blood. The Janissary advanced quickly on Alucard, barely giving him enough time to cross his pistols to block a chest-leveled strike. Alucard found a pistol lined up, and fired his Casul, punching into the Janissary's arm. The Janissary gave a yelp, and twirled back around for an opposing strike. Once again, Alucard caught the strike, and fired Jackal, taking a chunk out of the Janissary's other arm. The Janissary cried out, and went for an overhead strike. Alucard crossed his pistols, catching the strike, and followed the Janissary's momentum downward, firing his silverballers, and putting gashes into the Janissary's sides.
As the Janissary's sword aligned for a chest-high thrust, Alucard could hear James getting a running start from behind the Janissary. As he tried to suppress a grin, he lifted Jackal to get a lethal shot off on the Janissary. The Janissary used the opportunity to thrust, pushing his sword through Alucard's chest. At the same time, James came soaring overhead, leveling the Tommy gun at Alucard, and depressing the trigger. As the heavy .45 caliber rounds tore into him, the grin he had been suppressing spread across his face. His face changed, his sharp teeth stretching out along a long, black muzzle. The Hellhound lunged forth, catching James mid-air, and ripping his throat out.
Alucard landed on his feet, once again clothed in his red coat. James fell gracelessly behind him, in a crumpled heap, and almost immediately after connecting with the ground, turned to red ash. Alucard lifted his head to meet the Janissary's gaze, and was almost caught off guard by the idiot charging him.
He waxed off with Jackal, and fired Casul, punching a round into the Janissary's midsection. The Janissary howled, and swung again. Alucard blocked with Casul, and fired with Jackal. Another bloody hole was torn into the Janissary's abdomen. He ignored it, and spun for another attack. Alucard fired a round into the bottom of the Janissary's blade, shooting the majority of it straight off. With the jagged end, the Janissary thrusted. Alucard stepped out of the Janissary's guard, wrapped his arm around the Janissary's, and forced a pistol up under his armpit, firing a round that took meat out of the Janissary's collarbone. The Janissary's arm went limp, but his hand still held the hilt of the broken sword. Alucard rectified this by twisting the Janissary's wrist, breaking it in half. The hilt landed softly on the ground.
Alucard stepped back into the Janissary's guard, pushing a pistol up against where the Janissary's spleen would be.
"You ain't shit", he said, as he fired a round, popping the organ, and spreading poison throughout the chest cavity. The Janissary howled in pain. Alucard moved the pistol over to where one of the kidneys would be.
"Your god ain't shit", he continued, firing the pistol, and spreading more poison in the Janissary's body. The Janissary howled again. Alucard moved the pistol over to the liver.
"And your creed ain't shit", Alucard concluded, popping the liver with a .454.
The Janissary gave a long, painful moan, and went limp in Alucard's grasp. Alucard allowed him to fall to his knees. Alucard towered over him like evil incarnate, a nasty grin on his face, the raising moon outlining his figure.
"And now, I'm going to read your mind-"
"By drinking all of my blood", the Janissary finished in the form of a question. "I don't think so. I have been bound by spells, by fail-safes. All you would get is misinformation."
Alucard cracked his neck, and rolled his shoulders.
"We'll see."
"No, we won't", the Janissary told him. "You have bested me. The least you deserve is information."
"Because might makes right with you sick fucks", Alucard said with a sneer.
"All I have time to give is a name", the Janissary told him, "the name of the one who sent us."
"Out with it, then."
"His name is Ca-"
The Janissary began choking, and blood frothed out of his mouth.
Alucard tsked, muttering, "Fucking drama queen, stop dragging it out, I don't have all night."
Suddenly, Alucard began to sense another presence. He brought his guns up just as the Janissary was lifted into the air. Alucard wheeled around, searching for the source of the mysterious entity.
Alucard had never quite felt anything like this before; he had fought Incognito and Rasputin, both of whom had been incredibly powerful, and both of whom had nearly defeated him. But those two felt like a loving couple who ran a pastry shop compared to what he was feeling now. The air practically crackled with power.
He turned back to see the Janissary suspended spread-eagle in the air. The Janissary's legs began twisting, and the Janissary screamed as the bones in them cracked, and the muscles tore.
"HIS NAME", the Janissary screamed, as his legs were ripped from his torso.
The Janissary's arms twisted, the decrepit one ripping straight off and falling limply to the ground. The Janissary's head began twisting around.
"HIS NAME IS CAI-"
The Janissary's head twisted off of his body, and what remained of his corpse dissolved into red ash. The wind carried the ashes away, leaving Alucard alone in the empty field. The presence faded away with the ashes.
Alucard held his hands up, saying, "Look, I don't fuck with this shit, and I've got stuff to do anyway. How about I leave, and we call it even?"
He received no reply, except for the wind blowing gently around him.
"Well, then", Alucard said, "screw you guys, I'm going home."
Alucard turned, and walked back towards his apprentice... and towards the rising moon.
...
The light returned to the dark room, revealing the back of the Laz-E-Ass chair.
"Oh, damnit", Pootis McTootis chastised himself, "face the audience, idiot."
Pootis McTootis spun his chair around, knocking over his nightstand. It fell to the ground, the friction of the wood striking the wooden floor creating a spark, and lighting the floor on fire. Pootis McTootis observed the fire growing for a brief moment.
"Meh, I'll deal with it later", he said with a shrug.
He returned his view to the audience, saying, "As for you all, I want to let you in on a few little secrets, since I trust you all so much."
He reached into his coat, and pulled out a small notepad. He put his monocle up to his eye, and began reading.
"First and foremost, that one Mass Effect story I mentioned I was looking for, I found it, it's called Mass Defect. It's just as funny as when I first found it, by the way."
He threw the notepad over his shoulder, and continued, "Furthermore, I have plans for a series of short stories about Alucard's misadventures after he got back from his thirty-year nap. I've got story one already done, but I can't give you a sneak peek without spoiling this one, so you'll just have to trust me on it. After this story is all done, if you enjoyed it, you may want to drop in occasionally to see if any of these stories have been published, or however that works."
He withdrew a bottle of Adderall from his coat, pulled the top off, and downed everything inside. He threw the bottle over his shoulder, into the raging inferno that used to be his kitchen.
"And on that note, I'd like to address another point in particular; established cannon, both in Hellsing and in Dracula. First of all, Helsing is spelled with one L, not two, and that's the way I'm gonna spell it. There are a few new character additions, and Alucard's origin story is going to change big-time, not because I don't like the way Hellsing handles it, but because I hate the way Braum Stoker treats Dracula in his original book. So, sorry if that's not what you wanted, but that's what I've got my heart set on. This story is about Vlad Tepes III, not Dracula, and not Alucard. Alucard and Hellsing are just a vessel."
As he finished his sentence, he withdrew a small tin from his coat, and opened it up, revealing several tablets of Pervitin. He picked them all up, and threw them into his mouth. He swallowed like a pro, and tossed the tin into the furnace.
"And yes, we will be seeing more of our beloved catboy. In fact, he will end up playing a rather pivotal roll... and we may even get some back story on him. Maybe. I dunno."
"Yes, Anna Valarious shares the same name as that woman from that really shitty Van Helsing movie were Hugh Jackman can't figure out what his accent is. No, it's not the same story; that one sucked."
"Trust me, I'll expand on Seras' newfound power."
"Werewolves are similar to Hellsing but with many more variants, a few of which I dredged up from historical records."
"It may seem like I'm being incredibly hateful to people who follow the teachings of Mohamad. You are correct, and that is on purpose. Vlad Tepes III suffered greatly at the hands of the Turks, who, as you may be aware, served Allah, being primarily Islamic in nature. Trauma is not something that is easy to move past, especially sexual trauma, and Alucard is certainly not ready to move past it. I'm not saying this to shift blame to the character, and I'm not pulling a DaNiEl kEEm dIdN't SaY tHOsE tHiNgS either, this is my story and I proudly own up to my racist epitaphs. There is important context to this hate, though, however misguided it may or may not be."
"Yes, I will call the fire department, but only after I get my damn XBox Scarlet."
"And before ANY of that, I want to say that I am shocked at how many views I got while this whole thing was unfolding... and by the fact that no one unfollowed me. You guys are the absolute best. Thank you all so much for your support and input. You all really make this worth it for me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a phone call."
Pootis McTootis picked up the old rotary phone by the chair, and began punching in numbers. he put the receiver up to his ear, and began talking.
"Hello, 911? Yes, I'd like to report a fire... why yes, it is rather lovely weather we're having!"