Chapter 4: neither oblivion, nor forgiveness

Kylo Ren had stayed awake a long time after that last unexpected Force bond. Of course, the Force had a marvelous time connecting him and Rey. Searching through her mind had also triggered his own traumatic flashbacks, in an unexpected way. The nightmare had started in the same way it always had. He had been seeing himself killing his own father over and over ever since he did it. It was the main reason he limited his own sleep schedule to a maximum of 4 hours daily. It was barely enough, far out of the physiological range, but at least the nightmares had been under control. He was used to waking up from a nightmare at least once per week. The first months after it had been an everyday thing.

What made today different? The face of his mother was the most obvious change. He already knew how badly he had hurt her, having sensed the disturbance on the Force he caused and her grief even from thousands of light years apart from her. But actually watching her reaction had completely undone him. He could never come back to her, not even face her. How could he ever look her in the eye again? The worst of all was that he never got the resolution he wanted. The conflict in him was tearing him apart. He had hoped that sacrifice would be the final step in his downfall as Ben Solo, consolidating himself as an instrument for the dark side. It had been nothing but a shortcut. He had deluded himself to the point of killing his own father. It resulted in dragging himself past the point of redemption, but not far enough to please the raging voices in his head. Somehow, whatever sliver of light left in his soul still pulled him. He had seen it, on his father's face. He might have been a disappointing father, that was for sure, but he had loved his son unconditionally till his last breath. It was that liability that had costed so much misery. Kylo wanted to hate Han Solo for making him weak, but in spite of his unyielding efforts, he couldn't. At least not in the same way he hated himself for ending his life.

Oddly, Kylo hadn't even felt Rey's presence until he woke up. He only saw her for a few seconds, but the look of sheer panic on her face made him realize that she had seen the whole event. The Force had never connected them like that before. He had always sensed the soft graze of her mind connecting with his. Having someone explore your thoughts wasn't exactly a minor deal. He would much rather keep his night terrors to himself. He wasn't looking forward to meet Rey in the morning. His curiosity about that last oneiric connection wasn't enough to compensate the uncomfortable anticipation for the excruciating conversation they would probably have. That was one major nuisance of the bond, he couldn't simply hide things from her. Even if he tried, she would sense it.

Kylo tried to go back to sleep and get a little more rest, but it was pointless. No matter how many times he changed positions, not a single one of them felt comfortable. The sheets were disgustingly warm, but the room was too cold to sleep without them. Besides, he was still covered in sweat from the rush the nightmare had given him. He settled for a shower and a concentrated cup of caf. It no longer had the same awakening effect it did years ago, but he still enjoyed the hot bitter drink early in the morning.

He fast-read some of the reports his high command had written, mostly to have a general notion of what had been going on in the First Order's affairs and prioritize the issues that demanded more attention. Regrettably, there wasn't a single urgency that could keep him distracted. With a vast extension of the galaxy conquered and the Resistance's numbers greatly reduced, there wasn't that much left to do in terms of establishing the Order's dominion. Their military forces concentrated on suppressing any vestiges of rebellion and subjugating criminal associations across the systems. So far, it was running as smoothly as possible. However, the economic sustenance of their main bases and fleet was quite precarious, slowly recovering from the destruction of Starkiller and the Supremacy. The systems weren't exactly trilled with the raise of taxes to cover up for the damage. Not to mention the ever present implicit menace. Fear was a powerful motivator. It was the only way to control them.

After finishing reading the informs, Kylo Ren headed to the training room for an early morning workout. It was the best way to keep himself busy and spend some of his anger in a useful way. It had been so long since his last temper tantrum, he needed to let out his frustration somehow. Physical effort was the best way, it felt kind of like putting his own body in automatic pilot and shutting off some of the things that worried him. He could focus on training hard enough to make his muscles tremble in response to the effort, his last reps so difficult he barely made it. It was the easier part of the day, the release of endorphins a satisfying reward for the effort. It cleared his mind, at least for a while.

Once satisfied with his performance of the day, he decided it was time to confront Rey. Best case scenario, she wouldn't make any comments. But that wasn't like her. Her presence was already enveloping him as he approached her quarters. She shouldn't have such a powerful effect on him. After all, he was still the one in charge, their relationship unbalanced in terms of power. At least in what concerned her training.

Kylo was ready for a fight, screams, any kind of lash out from Rey. What he didn't expect was the concern in her face. He searched for her feelings, sensing a mix of fear, anger, confusion, but also worry and… pity? No, it was something else… compassion? That couldn't be right. He knew how much she hated him for what he had done. He deserved every bit of it. And yet, she still had hope. Of course she had. In another time, he would have thought of her as 'weak' for having it. Right now, he knew she was just extremely stubborn. She had a hard time letting go of things, specially the ones that involved the past. Her parents, the Resistance, the Jedi… and more recently, the idea of Ben Solo. Couldn't she see that he was far beyond the point of salvation?

—Is that really what you think?—she said out loud.

He wanted to scream at her for questioning his determination, but it would be pointless. She could read him like an open book, an ability that quite unnerved him. She was so calm, her beautiful face set with a neutral expression. It would have been easier if she had sticked to thinking of him as a 'murderous snake'. That way he could set his rage free and engage in yet another heated exchange.

—It's the truth—he replied. To convince her or himself, that was the dilemma.

Her eyes flared for a split second before shrugging and returned to her relaxed facade. So it was still there. As much compassionate she could be, there was still that vein of resentment, the part of her that hadn't forgiven him. The one he thought probably never would forgive him. She really shouldn't.

—So… are we going to pretend that last night didn't happen?—she asked forthright.

—What is there to talk about?

—The fact that you still see what you did, and you projected it to me.

—I didn't knew we could do that. Not during sleep at least.

—You can't be serious—she scorned. Kylo knew very well that figuring out the mechanisms involved in that last connection wasn't Rey's main concern. But he wouldn't discuss it from any other perspective.

—I came here for to take you to your training session.

—You can't keep avoiding this conversation.

—Whatever you have to say to me can wait.

—Wait till what?

—I don't know!—he was already starting to loose his temper—. I'm not here to have any moral discussion with you!

—As if you were capable of one!

—If you know that I'm not, then why do you insist?!

—Because we are still damned connected and I hear you thoughts! You are projecting your problems to me as well!

—Well, in that can we can deviate and practice how to shut each other out!

—Oh, really? So you can't face your own problems and the solution is to encase them again?

—It's the best I can offer you, and you don't exactly have the luxury to be picky right now.

—Coward.

—And now you are getting on my last nerve. Let's go before things turn uglier.

Now, that second day of training was by far more aggressive. Rey's arms occasionally trembled due to the exertion they had endured the day before, but she still managed to inflict damage with her blows. Luckily, they started today's training using metallic replicas of the sabers instead of the real ones. They were similar in weight and dimensions, but they lacked that sense of tuning to the person that wielded them. Nonetheless, it was better than cutting each other into little pieces with the lightsabers. Rey managed to hit Kylo a few times, but it was nothing compared to the moment Kylo slammed her particularly hard on her knee, which made her stance unstable and she ended up on the ground once gain. The problem was that she couldn't get up on her own so easily. She tumbled a few seconds after standing up before falling again. Her face was red with irritation and shame. For a moment, she looked like she wanted to throw the fake saber right at his face. He tried to help her standing up, but she squirmed at his touch, hit him with her elbow and fell once again. This time he caught her in the air, his arms at her sides in an uncomfortable position, while she stayed with her arms extended.

—I'm fine!—she yelled.

—Let me help you!

—You've done enough!

—Can you stand up on your own?—with the heat of the moment slowly fading, he was begging to sound concerned. He might have been a little too rough. He had to be, it wasn't like their enemies would give her a second chance, but he still felt kinda guilty.

—Now you care?

—It's not the moment to reject the help and you know it.

Kylo assisted her to stand on her two feet, but she still grimaced and tripped when trying to walk. He almost offered to carry her to the medical bay, but she would never allow that. He settled for the next best thing, which was wrapping his arm around her waist and hold up part of her body weight, so she wouldn't charge it over her injured knee. It was way more compromising than any of them would have liked, but neither of them wanted to make a comment on that. It was already awkward enough, there was no need to point out how close their bodies were.

Lucky for them, the medical bay wasn't that far away. Once there, Kylo helped her to climb on a stretcher. A young nurse greeted, saluted the Supreme Leader, and began asking her some personal data. It shocked both the nurse and Kylo when she said she didn't knew neither the day she was born-only the year, she was around 20 years old-, nor had any type of ID number. And of course, she didn't know her blood type, any family health history-she cringed at the mention of that particular topic-, nor any other info on the medical background the nurse asked for. Kylo noticed that he had never thought about how much not knowing that part of somebody's past could affect them. It was like a part of her life had been erased. Not only that, but it was yet another consequence of the abandonment she had suffered as a child. He remembered how he used to have medical controls every year as a child. When could have been the last time somebody took her to an appointment? He imagined she had been tended on the Resistance, but whatever makeshift medical service they could have, it couldn't be the same as a real health center.

The nurse and a medical droid examined Rey and gave her a painkiller injection. After some more questioning, they ordered blood tests and a scan, then they left Rey alone with him. Kylo had to attend a meeting latter that day, so he was hoping they could run the tests quickly. But he couldn't just leave her here, could he?

—Jerk—she said, mumbling some other colorful insults she had probably learnt on Jakku.

—Well, you breaking your knee wasn't on my plans for today.

—In that case, you could have completely avoid doing it.

—You should keep your defense up. Besides, you also hit me back several times. It's what takes to learn.

—And there you were saying that you wouldn't hurt me while training.

—I meant that I wouldn't torture you, not that I would go soft on you.

Nearly an hour later the results were finally there. It was just a soft-tissue injury, mostly inflammatory changes that would dissipate in a few days with medication. Rey was also given a special diet and supplements to help her body recover from the extenuating physical activity. She was still on the underweight side of the curve, so she would receive more generous portions every day. At least there was one good thing after a horrible morning. She needed to rest for the next three to five days, which didn't go well with her training program, but it was necessary. However, difficult as she was, Kylo guessed she would try to stand up and go back as soon as she got bored of resting.

Rey received crutches to help her walk towards her quarters. Kylo followed her to make sure she didn't fall and sealed the door once she entered the room. It was a few minutes past noon. He would make it in time for the meeting. He wasn't a big fan of the excruciatingly long reunions with his panel of experts, but at least it kept his mind busy. And with Hux gone, there wasn't that annoying voice that contradicted his every decision as soon as he announced it. There were also new members of the team to replace the ones he had disposed of. He had personally selected them, after a meticulous process of looking into their record of achievements of their careers in the First Order and probing their minds to make sure they didn't have any treacherous intentions. He had carefully weaved a sense of loyalty into their minds. He needed them to believe in his purpose, to the point that they would take their own lives before they could perform any act close to a betrayal. It was a exhausting plan, but he hoped it would work, or at least buy them enough time to figure out a way to kill the Emperor.

Later that day, after finishing his duties, Kylo went to pay a visit to Rey. Knowing fully well she wasn't in the best mood, he decided to test the waters first, entering the room as quietly as possible, in an almost submissive approach. At least she didn't have access to any type of weapon here. He found her on the bed lying on her back, staring blankly at the ceiling. If she had noticed him coming in, she was doing a good job hiding it. Or maybe she was just resigned to the fact that there wasn't much she could do about it.

He observed her for a while before speaking. He wondered how she was able to conceal her feelings, her emotionless facade giving her an unbothered appearance that he sort of envied her for. It was quite useful when confronting someone. He also noticed, not without a certain degree of abashment, that the black colored clothes of the Order suited her well. She looked more polished, her slender curves more defined, and her warm toned skin brighter than in those worn out garments she used to wear. Even her loose hair appeared to be lighter, a rich chestnut color that reminded him of the tree barks of Takodana's forest. He liked seeing her hair down like that.

—Are you done staring?—Rey suddenly ask, uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Her slightly pink cheeks were tainted a couple shades darker. Kylo cursed himself for being so careless with that kind of ideas. Truth was it wasn't the first time he had thought about her in that way. He chastised himself and tried to suppress it for a long time, but nowadays with the discovery of their tied destinies and her dark tendencies, he made peace with the fact that he considered her rather attractive.

—I wanted to check how you were doing.

—Fine.

Kylo sat on the bed about a meter away from her. She tensed in response, but didn't kick him out. It was something. He knew it would take some time for her to forgive him. After all, it took him a couple months to get over the fact that she had marked him forever across his face. It was a constant reminder that she had bested him, a desert rat with no training had defeated the mighty Kylo Ren on the battle field. By the time, he didn't know how important she would become. His ego was the one that had suffered the most. He didn't forgive her, most likely accepted the fact that she was a formidable opponent. He had been defeated in combat by his equal in the Force, the only person he considered worthy enough to do so.

—You seem pretty confident that I'll forgive you—Rey said bitterly.

—Isn't that what you are supposed to do as a Jedi?—Kylo replied in a mocking manner.

—There has to be some exceptions to that.

—What? Can't get over a grazed knee?

—Can't get over you. That's the problem.

—You don't have to compliment me.

—Wasn't planning to…—she said, suddenly sitting up—. Look, I'm not really in the mood for another training session, if that's what you came for.

—I understand—he was about to leave when he overheard her thoughts about how ridiculously tamed he was acting—. Don't get too cocky, I'm not tamed at all.

—I just find it hard to believe that you are not putting up a fight.

—It isn't worth it right now. I can still change my mind though.

He tried to push into her mind, an attempt she fought back, but finally failed to resist for a few seconds before rising her barriers once again. That's when he got an idea. Perhaps, instead of introducing her to the practices he had planned for today, they could exercise how to keep each other out. It would come in handy, he reasoned. Reading her mind was an excellent way to tell her intentions, but it came at expense of having her explore his own machinations. The intrusion, although a familiar sensation by now and a potential advantage in the battlefield, was a liability. One that's they could work on.

—We need to figure out a way to partially sever the connections—Kylo said.

—I already did, after Crait—Rey said.

—And so far it worked just wonderful, specially yesterday, right?

—I wasn't prepared for that…

—Me neither.

—Being here makes it more difficult…—being here with you, she meant. They both knew it, but saying it out loud would mean acknowledging that they were a milestone farther than when they started, and even more lost that at that point.

—I still believe it's the way.

—How can you be so sure?

—It feels like the right thing to do—he slightly shrugged, a gesture he hadn't done in front of anyone else in years—. Search your feelings.

Rey frowned at that. Exploring the depth of the bond was a frightening prospect for her. If she gave into it, there was no way to tell how far she would fall, or if she would end up turning sides. Her willpower was strong, Kylo had known that since their first encounter, but so was her desire of belonging.

—Don't be afraid, it was meant to be this way—he reassured her.

—I don't wan't to talk about great destinies right now—or ever.

—No destinies then. We can focus just on us for now.

They stared at each other's eyes for a long moment. Kylo scanned for her feelings, finding mostly confusion, fear, wariness and… longing? Her rage had drained, leaving Rey exhausted and disoriented. Without the anger, she lost the resolution to fight him. And quite honestly, he didn't want to provoke her again. It surprised him. He knew that as a master, he should be harsher with her in order to make her stronger, but he didn't have the heart to do it when he could feel her every emotion almost as if they were his own. Being this vulnerable with each other had a great impact on his own resolution as well. Snoke-or should he say Palpatine instead?- had been right, after all, he'd always had a soft spot for Rey.

—Just us—she repeated in a whisper, pondering the significance of that term.

—As it should be.

After that last conversation, Kylo decided that the training could wait. They were running against time, but he didn't want to disturb the fragile unspoken truce they had reached. It was a constant ebb and flow, they were always taking two steps forward only to take two steps back later, and then go back to the start. He wondered if their dynamic would ever change, and if it did, where would it take them?

Later that night, the Force connected Kylo and Rey again. It was the same nightmare from the day before, but this time he actually felt her presence metering his mind. That's how he figured out he was dreaming. The memory was so vivid that he usually couldn't tell the difference from reality. Rey was reading each and every one of his thoughts at that moment. This time he looked at her after his father's body disappeared into the abyss. He woke up when he felt Chewbacca shot him, the phantom pain still burning his left flank.

Kylo Ren opened his eyes to find Rey curled up in fetal position in front of him. She opened her eyes a few seconds later. Her eyes were heavily watering. It wasn't the first time he had seen her cry, not even the first time she had cried because of him. However, this time he felt the emotions stronger than ever before. Maybe due to the synergism she had with his own feelings. It has overwhelming, her sobs echoing his pain. The weight of their shared loss suddenly falling over his chest. He debated about reaching for her… it would be an hypocritical thing to do, considering that he was the main cause of her suffering. Instead, he stayed motionless at her side, silently mourning.

—You are not—Rey said a few minutes later, her voice coarse between soft sobs.

—What?

—The 'main cause' of my suffering—she answered, taking a deep breath—. I mean, you are not helpful at all, but I don't consider you the cause of it…

Kylo nodded in response. For once, he was lost for words. He stared at the ceiling, unable to face her. His eyes were glossy with tears, and he was thankful that the darkness of the quarters concealed them.

—It's not like we were given a choice anyways—she continued.

—Would you have chosen this, had we been given a say in this?—Kylo asked later.

—I don't know…

It was a pointless thing to ask, and the answer wasn't comforting at all. Kylo couldn't blame her for it. That's how things had always been for them. Neither oblivion, nor forgiveness. And yet, somehow he wanted her trust, maybe not-definitely not-her pardon, but to get closer to her again… selfish as he was. Deep down, he missed the sense of intimacy he used to feel around her. Even in his pain, her company was soothing as a soft balm poured over his open wounds.

They laid in bed for a while after that. His or hers, it was hard to tell, given that the rooms were similar in design. Perhaps they coexisted in both places at the same time. Eventually Rey's sobs stoped, and Kylo's silent tears dried on his cheeks. Neither one of them could go back to sleep, at least not when the other was present. Old instincts die hard. They didn't reach for the other, physically or mentally.

Kylo lost track of time. The quiet stillness of the people aboard the ship indicated that it was late, but how late? he wasn't sure. Out of curiosity, he decided to take a quick glance at Rey. She was still awake, silently observing him as well. In the dim light that entered the room from the door, all hard edges disappeared, leaving only a vague perception of gray and black toned shapes. Even in the dark, her eyes preserved the same magnetic effect they always had on him. They were the last thing he saw before the connection ended. He felt somehow calm, and drifted into a dreamless sleep for the rest of the night.

A/N: hi! Sorry for the delay, the new semester has been rough to say the least.

As always, please review! It encourages to keep writing :)