Chapter 5: I can crave you but you don't need to know

By now Rey and Kylo had gotten used to a rather monotonous daily routine they had agreed on during their first month working -and living- together. The day starts with physical training. He usually arrives in the earliest hours of the morning, then goes to her room to take her to the training center and leaves her working out till noon. Sometimes they have lunch together on a dining room around the corner of the main corridor on the upper floor. Those are her favorite ones, with generous portions and a great variety of dishes she had never seen before. Besides, she started picking up some more details about Kylo, like the fact that he had a sweet tooth. Rey enjoyed everything in similar amounts, still unable to believe that some people of the galaxy could afford this kind of luxury. Now, when looking back at the times she survived consuming only portions–not even whole portions, sometimes quarters or halves– and water, she thought about how difficult it would be going back to that dull diet. She was getting spoiled. Specially since Kylo discovered how much she enjoyed trying dough-based dishes and sauces, ordering some every once in a while. Whatever had gotten into him, he was behaving surprisingly amiable nowadays. Who would have thought this was the same man–no, monster– who chased the scavenger girl in Takodana about two years ago?.

Rey was kind of tempted to admit that it was nicer than whatever she had expected. It made things even worse though, considering that she felt like she had somehow betrayed her friends and the Resistance. She wasn't exactly working for the First Order, but she still felt guilty every single day. They would probably be worried sick thinking she was being tortured, when in reality she was the First Order's special guest. She picked up quickly that most of the crew knew she was important and didn't dare to question why she hadn't been executed, in spite of the usually unforgiving consequences most rebels faced. She also gathered that they were told she had been the one that killed Snoke, and still didn't receive any punishment whatsoever. The unspoken reason why was clear, she was under the wing of their Supreme Leader. He absolutely terrified them. Rey wondered if he had influenced their minds or if it was just the result of seeing his constant demonstrations of power and ruthlessness, his volatile character leading him to murder and destroy everything at whim.

It was a stark contrast with the person she was slowly getting to know. Although he was a stern teacher, always pushing her limits and sometimes even driving her near the breaking point, there was an undeniable softer side of him that she was getting to know through their bond. That didn't necessarily mean they didn't have bad days and constant discussions –some more violent than others–, but at the end of the day, the Force inevitably connected them. Rey never would have ever imagined she would end up sharing a bed with Kylo Ren of all people. Their dreams often merged, interrupting their sleep and leaving them restless. Sometimes it was one of his nightmares, other times it was one of hers. His presence, however, was surprisingly comforting. They both actively avoided talking about the subjects of their dreams. After all, there wasn't anything that could possibly console one another. Some things were just unforgivable, or simply impossible to change. Sometimes, when one of them was feeling bold enough, they would reach for the other's hand. His touch never failed to set her skin on fire, even if it was something as innocent as holding hands, occasionally caressing each other when the nightmare had been particularly intense. Howbeit, as natural as it felt, Rey was terrified of going any further.

Another much more catastrophic discovery for Rey was how devastatingly handsome Kylo looked during their training sessions. She had fought him countless times before, but had never noticed how elegant and rhythmic he could move when performing combat in a controlled ambience. She often found herself losing focus when fixing on the way his hard-earned muscles shifted underneath his tight training clothes. On the trace the drops of sweat followed down his neck, just to disappear into the fabric that covered his chiseled chest. His soft black hair flowing with his movements, careless and beautiful. Sometimes their faces would come a bit too close for her taste when their practice swords clashed, which usually leaded her to lose. She also got lost watching his full lips parting when his breathing grew more labored. The worst part was whenever he trapped her with his body and pinned her to a surface, eliciting a deliciously warm shiver to run across her body. As if a bridged mind wasn't enough, now her own flesh betrayed her. The foreign sensation was terrifying, and yet… she kinda looked forward to it. Maybe she was loosing her mind after all. He was the enemy not too long ago, she shouldn't find him this enticing.

However, Rey wasn't as afraid of her feelings towards Kylo Ren as she was of the call she felt every time they trained in the Force. Sure, she no longer lost control as often as in the beginning. In fact, she was becoming quite good at controlling her abilities at an exponential rate. Her new power wasn't a foreign sensation anymore. It felt like a part of herself, one that offered her a whole universe of possibilities. Sometimes it was so strong it felt intoxicating. She didn't want it, yet it was utterly addictive. Every new discovery left her thirsty for more. Rey had never considered herself ambitious before—although that may be discussed, given the fact that she had planned to become a Jedi without any previous knowledge of the Force—, but now she marveled in everything she had been missing out. The more rational attached to the Light side part of her screamed in panic every time she fell farther, but the most curious and reckless part of her wanted to embrace it all. After all, you can't study a subject without exploring every aspect of it, right?

It tore Rey apart. She had been warned about how tempting the Dark side would be, had even gotten the opportunity to witness it through Ben Solo-Kylo Ren's memories, yet none of it had been enough to prepare her for the massive rush she felt every time the darkness called her. The worst part of it was that she was more than willing to come back for more. Consciously she knew it was only probing her, giving her a taste of what real power felt like, just enough to trick her into tuning. It was one f the best things she had ever felt, she was indestructible, unstoppable, unbendable. Nothing could ever come in her way, no one would ever be a match for her. The twisted whispers told her she could protect not only herself but those she loved as well. She could put an end to it all, the wars, the misery, the slavery, everything she had ever stood for could become real… but she knew better than falling for that empty promise, or at least that's what she told herself whenever she felt inclined to make a bad choice. The higher the rise, the bigger the fall. As much power the Dark side could offer her, it would be nothing compared to the price she would have to pay for it. The pain, the loss, the absolutely sorrowful loneliness she would endure. Just the thought of it was dreadful enough to stop her.

What worried her the most was her natural inclination towards the Dark side. She had showed an amazing easiness at connecting and interacting with the Force from the moment she had her awakening. The Light had always called her, so she had assumed that it was the only option ever for her. In spite of the raw strength of that call, her abilities in the Light side had been good but not that extraordinary. She was quicker than most apprentices, and far more talented, but still greatly challenged. It frustrated her whenever she couldn't master a new technique as fast as she wanted. Both Luke and Leia knew it and had tried their best to guide her into cultivating patience. Meditation helped, but never satiated her need to go further, to get better and stronger. She had always attributed her frustration to the fact that they were in the middle of the war, counting on her to make the difference and help saving millions of lives. But it wasn't the only reason. Deeply underneath that noble purpose lied her ambition, the desire to achieve things she didn't even know she wanted.

In contrast to her experience with her Light side training, transitioning to the Dark side was easier. It offered her everything she didn't know she wanted, she only had to surrender herself to it. Rey had collected so much pain during her life and developed resentment for people she hadn't even met. All of her previously suppressed emotions were allowed here, they fed her power. It made her stronger, meaner, more determined. That's why she was progressing faster this way. What if she was a Dark side prodigy after all? The idea, disgusting as it was, made some sense to Rey now. Instinctively she knew exactly where to reach, how to draw power from the wounds of her past and present as well. It made her question her perception of reality quite often, her once sturdy beliefs now barely a shadow of what they used to be. That kind of confusion and lack of certainties in life only served to drag her further away from the Light. She wasn't fully drowning in the Dark side, but it was only a matter of time before that happened.

Some days Rey couldn't even bear to look her reflection in the mirror. She was a mess. Long-lost was the golden sun-kissed skin from her years in the desert, now replaced by a much paler and ill-looking skin tone, with deep dark circles underneath her erythematous eyes, and her limbs covered in a range of colorful hematomas. Her hair was longer than ever, but brittle and unkept. Most days Rey didn't bother to style it. What for? She just had to get it out of her face. She didn't recognize the person staring back at her. What was she? A traitor? Had she always been meant to take this place? She often wondered how much would everybody's perception of her persona would change once they knew about her true origins. Even worse, about her true desires and nowadays questionable state of mind. After all, she had somehow become the last hope for the Resistance. What would happen if their allies were to know the truth about her? Would they turn against her? Would they even have some fight left in them? She hoped so… somebody would have to stop her if she ever decided to turn.

Those poisonous thoughts constantly plagued her mind. And the worst part of it was how utterly alone she felt. After all, there wasn't anyone who could possibly understand her. Rey doubted anyone could even want to hear about that. Even if they wanted, she couldn't just tell how deeply messed up she was. She just needed some company to talk about… honestly, anything else. The idea of her place in history and whatever great destiny waited for her was exhausting. That was the moment Rey realized how much she missed her friends. She truly missed Finn. Her best friend, the only person she trusted enough to confide her secrets —not that she used to have that many secrets, unlike now—. Would he treat her differently? He really should. The most selfish part of her rejoiced in the knowledge that he would probably still see her in the same almost annoyingly adoring way he always had... Rey wanted to believe that. Hope was the only thing that kept her going.

Rey missed Rose as well. She was sorry for the time she spent irrationally despising the girl. Now she felt ashamed of the times she used to feel jealous of the amount of time Rose was getting to spend with Finn. She had never felt threatened before… but that was her best friend, who seemed to have moved on way too easily during the time she was absent. Later she realized how stupid it was to resent Rose for it, and how much they both had in common—though, a pitiful amount of that had to do with grief. Besides, Rose was the first girl friend Rey ever had. It was different from the comradery they had with Finn and Poe. She understood some things they would never get… and had become quite an advocate for them. Who would have thought that the shy maintenance girl would one day be a fierce member of the Resistance? Rey truly admired her determination. Would they still be friends if Rose saw how much she had changed? Rey was afraid of the answer… after all, her dearest sister Paige had died fighting for the Resistance. Seeing Rey switching sides so easily would probably trigger her…

And then there was Poe… Rey missed him as well, even though they had spent their last months together fighting constantly. Without Leia's guidance, internal tensions in the Resistance's organization flourished. Even if nobody mentioned it, they all knew that the younger leaders were no match for her. No one could ever replace her. Poe had that enormous pressure on top of his shoulders every day. Everybody doubted his capacities constantly, even if the captain was one of the most qualified persons for the job. In that context, Rey's careless missions often threatened his authority. That was the main struggle for them. Sometimes he was a bit of a jerk… but she couldn't blame him. Nor any of her friends. They were just worried for her and the success of their rebellion. None of them understood the real importance of her wanderings. Poe still resented her for the times she had retreated to train her habilites in the Force. He had told her how much they needed her, but she couldn't be useful to them without the right preparation. It wasn't a battle they could win. Nor with numbers neither with a pathetic attempt of a Jedi…

Besides she still hadn't forgotten the last time they got drunk together. To be honest, she didn't remember the details—or much of that night for that matter. But the one thing she vividly remembered was the personal questions they had asked each other, receiving the raw honest kind of answers only a drunk person would give. That way Poe found out Rey had never kissed anyone before, and decided that it needed to be fixed immediately. Rey was intoxicated and curious enough to accept. He was a handsome man—even more with her altered senses. It was a good kiss, a great one even, but that was it. It kinda disappointed her. In all the stories she had heard, kisses were always described as a ravishing and consuming experience. The next day Rey asked Rose about it… she instantly regretted it, as her friend would tease her until her cheeks were red as a tomato. It lasted a couple of days, ending with Rey begging her not to tell anyone else ever. The last time they talked about that matter, Rose told Rey how good it felt to kiss someone you truly wanted. It only fed her disappointment further. She didn't regret it though. It felt good to finally know what it felt like, and she was grateful that nobody else knew about it. Rey was quite comfortable with the implicit agreement to never talk about what they did that night. Perhaps Poe had even forgotten about it… after all, he was drunker than he wanted to admit, barely mumbling words at the end of that evening and unable to walk in a straight line. She had to call Finn to help her drag Poe back to his room that night. They teased Poe for that episode every time they could. Mister 'I can drink a whole bottle, it passes like water'.

Later that night the bond connected Rey and Kylo once more. It was earlier than other times, and neither one of them had a nightmare. A calm night was a rather pleasant surprise.

Rey didn't know what to do… the silence was somehow heavier than before, almost tangible in the artificial atmosphere. She was painfully aware of his proximity, feeling the heat his body irradiated and the soft sound of his breathing. It unnerved her so much she almost wished she had had a bad dream or a vision to distract herself. What irritated her the most was how impassible he looked, acting as if she hadn't just materialized in front of him. He was reading a report on a holo-screen.

Annoyed, she turned her back to him. And just like that she realized she wasn't scared of him anymore. Not so long ago she would have never dared to stand like that, absolutely unprotected in front of Kylo Ren. Vulnerable. She didn't have any weapons in her room, not even a blunt object she could use to hit him shall he ever attack her. She felt trapped. Powerless.

—I'm not planning on hurting you, if that's what you're worried about—said Kylo—. I'm just trying to get this work done.

—I didn't…—Rey stuttered, not willing to face him yet.

—You think quite loudly. It's hard to concentrate when you project those paranoid thoughts.

—It wasn't on purpose… and in case you have forgotten, you have tried to kill me before. Several times.

—It's hard to forget if you always remind me of it.

She looked back just to scowl at him. The nerve. He wasn't even showing any emotion yet. It only angered her further. When had their roles turned? He used to be the one who couldn't modulate his own temper, let alone his own facial expressions. Or maybe he just wasn't as affected as she felt right now. Rey shielded those thoughts from him. The last thing she needed was to complicate their relationship even more. There was no way to anticipate what he could possibly do if he knew how much his presence unnerved her… in a different way. She hated the excitement she felt in her stomach whenever they met. Initially she attributed it to a fight-or-flight response whenever they met, then to the ravishing feeling of their newly discovered connection back in the hut on Ahch-To. Now she was beginning to recognize it for what it was… but she couldn't bear to put it into words. Not yet.

—Are there any news of the Order? How is everything going?—Rey didn't really care about it, she just needed a distraction from her treacherous mind.

—Running smoothly, as always—he said in a calm tone, but the clench of his jaw said otherwise. Well, that's more like it.

—How are the new preparations going? I overheard about the restructuring of the high ranks…—she asked, finally facing him.

—Since when do you care?

—Well, now I live here… and I haven't had news of anything since I joined you—she wasn't lying. Eavesdropping corridor conversations didn't count as having news of the current war.

—What do you want to know?—he answered, finally looking up from the screen. He wasn't annoyed, just cautious. Of course he could trust her with his most personal secrets when their minds connected, but not with state shenanigans.

—I already told you, I just want to know what's happening outside this room.

—We haven't found the rebel bases, if that's what you're really worried about. It's only a matter of time though—Rey's eyes flickered with hope for a second, only to darken once again with that last bit of information. He almost felt guilty about it.

—I thought we had bigger problems than that.

—We do, luckily for your friends.

—Have you… met Palpatine again?—she asked, changing the subject.

—No.

—Do you think he knows we are together?

—He probably suspects it… even though I disposed of all of his known informants on board.

—What does your crew know about me?

—Just that you are the scavenger who tried to become a Jedi and somehow managed to kill the later Supreme Leader Snoke. And right now you decided to join me, to become an apprentice.

—So… nobody else knows about my true origin?

—No—It comforted her, knowing that her ascendency remained a secret. Later she would wonder about for what reason he decided to keep it a secret. For now, she could indulge in his oddly pleasant company.

—Good.

—You know, ignoring it doesn't make it any less true.

—I'd have rather not knowing. Ever.

—We both know that's not true. You had searched for this answer your whole life—damn him and the bond that had shown him all of her pathetic wishes.

—I wanted a family, not an evil Imperial legacy.

—Family bonds are overrated.

—What?

—They would have disappointed you.

—You don't know that.

—Oh, yes I do. And more importantly, so do you.

—What does that even mean?

—Most of your nightmares are about solitude. Your deepest traumas revolt around being abandoned. I still don't get how can you idealize so much a family that either actively tried to kill you or left you to die in the middle of a junkyard desert.

It had been many days since the last time Kylo had made Rey cry, maybe even weeks. She couldn't help it, her eyes stung and began watering before she could stop it. He instantly regretted it, cursing himself for being stupid enough to say that so bluntly. He had meant to be straightforward, but not so harsh to break her once again.

—I'm sorry…—he said, trying to clean her tears with his thumb.

—Don't touch me.

—I meant what I said, but I didn't want to hurt you…—Kylo decided to shut up for a second. He had to think very carefully his next words—You didn't deserve that. Nobody does.

—When has that ever stopped you?

—I meant the abandonment. They failed you in so many ways… but you don't have to be alone anymore.

—You already told me that.

—The offer is still open.

—You are not exactly the best person to talk about being there for anyone… you isolated yourself from your family. I'll never understand how could you reject a family that loved you through everything you've done.

—Then I guess we both have a long way to go—he said after taking a deep breath. It wasn't the first time she had told him something around those lines, but it still nagged him.

—I hate you—she said, in an attempt to convince herself more than him. Kylo almost chuckled, but he contained himself.

—I wouldn't dare to expect any less—he answered. Then, in a movement that surprised them both for it's recklessness, he took her hand and kissed her palm.

Before any of them could make a comment on it, the connection suddenly severed. Rey's hand still tingled, the sensation of his soft lips burned her. She wanted to slap him right across the face… but she also wanted to feel it again… maybe it was just another step further into losing her mind.

A/N: I'm deeply sorry for the long absence… I underestimated how hard this semester would be. But I'm back and I have already developed the main points of this story.

As always, thank you all for reading. Don't forget to leave a review!