Chapter 6: of old memories and unexpected understanding

Kylo Ren couldn't remember the last time he had cared about someone else other than himself. But seeing Rey's vulnerable side touched something deep within his chest. Whatever had gotten into him, it made him weak. But he couldn't help it. Feeling everything she felt was simply too overwhelming. Emotions were a liability. He had always struggled with them, his more rational self often lost when his more temperamental one reached the surface. Add to that the fact that now he had to manage Rey's feelings as well. A fucking nightmare. He tried his best to keep his own at bay, but she wasn't trying at all. The worst part of it was how much it affected him. Sympathy and compassion simply weren't familiar to him.

It horrified him at first when he discovered that he cared for her not only as a mean to an end, but as an actual person. As an equal. When that realization fully sank in, it was both a curse and a blessing. Even though he had given several thoughts about what would mean to be equals, the reality of it still crushed him like a tide on Kef Bir. But he couldn't deny that there was something intangible that emanated from her gaze. From her face whenever it shifted between anger, conflict, and something he now recognized as longing. It also had an awful lot to do with the way her body seemed to sing to him. On the way her skin had become an addiction, even if he only dared to graze it occasionally, afraid of moving too fast, of pressuring her too far… it was killing him ever so slowly. He was carefully trying to break her barriers.

Patience wasn't his strongest suit, but he could wait for Rey. Besides, he could indulge in his weakness the nights the bond connected them. He had gotten used to sharing a bed with her, and began to actually enjoy her company. It was a timeless space where they weren't enemies anymore, nor master and apprentice. Just two people whose minds had been tied together for a reason they were yet to discover. He felt completely exposed, even when he shielded his most torrid thoughts. Nevertheless, it was somehow a welcome invasion. It filled a void, a need for company he hadn't realized he had until recently. He was starved for some kind of companionship. Besides, her witty remarks were a refreshing change for once. Nobody had defied him in that way in a very long time. Or at least, nobody had without facing the consequences for their revelry. Rey also seemed to liked to test how far she could go. She never gave it a rest, even more so now that she was sure he wouldn't kill her for it. Only hurt her back badly enough to keep her at bay. Not that he liked it, absolutely not. But it was necessary, as she had a relentless pace and quickly disarticulated his defenses. She knew too much. But so did he.

Some days were better than others. The problem was that the endless back and forth was driving him nuts. One minute he held her in his arms, the next they were fighting once again. He had come to crave those calmer moments. It was a different kind of torture, that kind of desire. He figured out she also wanted him on some level, even if she would never admit it. He had caught her a couple of times looking at his mouth when she thought he wasn't watching her. He often wondered what her lips would taste like, what the rest of her skin would feel like underneath his fingertips… if it was anything like the nibs he had already tried, he was doomed. Perhaps he already was.

It was a shocking realization finding out that he wanted Rey for more than just her abilities. All his life Kylo had considered himself above those… needs. However, her proximity was intoxicating enough to change his mind about that. It wasn't just the sheer power and strength she emanated—though that added a synergic effect to her appeal. Truth was darkness did become her. The newfound confidence on her movements giving a different touch to her whole figure. She looked far more polished than the scrawny scavenger he had met years ago. Besides, the tight black clothes embraced her slender curves like a glove. Her hair was longer and free, it's fluid motions adding emphasis to her movements like a whip. Did she even notice how unabashedly alluring she was?

Physically fighting with her was another one of his favorite activities together. With his guidance she had gotten better at executing forms I, II and V. Shii-Cho was way too simple for either one of them, but he still practiced that one with her, correcting slight deviations of her postures. Makashi was one of his favorite forms, specially accommodated for his crossguard lightsaber, but not as useful for the quarterstaff design Rey preferred. Form V was his usual style in combat. Despite it being the style Rey had gotten used to fight against before they agreed to train together, they still practiced it every once in a while.

Kylo was currently invested on training form VII with Rey, feeling satisfied with the fact that he finally had a duel partner to explore the technique. Juyo was one of the most difficult lightsaber forms, reserved only for the most skilled masters. It obliged them both to draw strength from the Force. If it worked, the results would be impressive to say the least. That's where the dyad-bond had a major role: not only one but two masters synchronized would be an unprecedented advance in terms of the technique. They could even develop a variation of their own. Now, that was a quite interesting prospect. Ever since he was a boy he had been fascinated by stories of the masters who developed their own styles.

While practicing form VII he often remembered the story Leia had told him about the battle between Master Windu and Darth Sidious. It always bothered him the fact that Windu, being such a powerful Jedi and having ultimately the upper hand, had chosen not to strike the final blow. Of course, it wasn't the Jedi way. A pretty unsatisfactory explanation. How different would everything be today if he had killed Sidious that day? The irony of dooming the Jedi order while following it's principles was not lost. That kind of blind devotion usually led the 'heroes' of those stories to loose, disguised as wisdom or some other colorful euphemism for their lack of determination. History was full of people who had a great potential, yet they hesitated in the most critical moment possible.

Kylo Ren was determined to be an exception to that pattern. The scale of his ambition was outstanding to say the least. Albeit his hunger for power, the real core of his drive was the thirst for knowledge. That need to understand the universe and the ways of the Force was one of his biggest advantages. Ben used to be the best student on his uncle's academy by far. Due to his natural talent and his desire to go further, he had always been the outlier of the group. The gunner as some would put it. It frustrated some of his mates, specially Vox, who was the second best.

Enough of old memories. They felt like a lifetime ago… and it might as well be a different lifetime, if it weren't because after all these years Kylo Ren was still unable to kill the last remnants of Ben Solo. He had been really close a few times, but the more he fought it, the stronger it became. A weakness that seemed to be extremely appealing to his dyad. Nonetheless, it may as well be the other way around... she had that odd effect on him. He might be her new teacher, but his adept pupil always had something hidden under her sleeve. The worst of the damn connection was how natural it felt to exist around her in that confusing duality of self. Exhuming those parts of him, always wanting more. And he was letting her have it, for whatever reason.

The nightmares projected his worst memories, tainted by the claws of darkness that enhanced the pain they evoked. However, some nights Kylo's dreams would show Rey some of his childhood memories. She seemed fascinated by those, and felt entitled enough to even ask about it. Depending of his mood, sometimes he would give her a few more details, and others he simply wouldn't even deign to answer. Rey loved listening to his storytelling. Those damn sparkly eyes were the death of him, always so hard to refuse when she pleaded for more. He felt more prone to oblige at that special time late at night, when both of them were vulnerable enough to keep a civilized conversation on some more sensitive topics. Perhaps it was due to the weird intimacy of that moment that allowed them to be completely open to one another… he couldn't help it, once he started talking there was no way of stoping. Nobody had payed that kind of undivided attention to him in such a long time… disregarding his masters, of course. Rey actually cared about the mundane details of his old life during the New Republic era.

She seemed fascinated about the most simple things. From the fact that he had a seamless calligraphy due to years spent perfecting the art, to the many times Chewie had babysat him. If he didn't knew her better, it could almost pass as a hint of jealousy. For all the simple things in life she wasn't given the chance to have. But she was too good natured to fall into those mind-traps.

Rey's memories also had a sensitizing effect on him. She was just a child when she was stripped of the most basic rights a person could have, becoming little more than a slave. As a labor exploited child, she didn't have access to any privileges. She slept on whichever broken orphan household would receive her, until she was deemed old enough to survive on her own. She certainly wasn't, but no one would want to take care of a child older than six or seven years according to the locals, so she was inevitably kicked out and began to work for Unkar Plutt. After all, he had bought her a couple years before. It was time she actually showed what she was useful for.

Rey was a scrawny little thing, unsuited for most physical labors. But she had tiny little hands that would fit in the most recondite places, which enabled her to rescue small but valuable pieces of equipment. She wasn't that useless after all. Besides, she was agile and learnt fast, with some training she started completing progressively more difficult tasks. Not a bad investment at all. Her payment was mostly in portions, occasionally in real currency. She found an abandoned toppled AT-AT walker which she built into a makeshift house. A great surprise for her was the single flower that somehow managed to survive inside of that imperial transport. It made her realize that if something as fragile as the tiny flower could survive in the middle of the desert, so could she. Flowers always reminded her of that fact, that's why se decided to collect them in an attempt to make her 'house' a cozier place. She also elaborated a small doll with fabric strips, leather cords and pieces of a flight uniform she had collected during months. Rey had also acquired a Rebel Alliance flight helmet, which she wore while playing with that makeshift doll, pretending she was on a mission with the captain of a starfire squadron.

When Rey finally went through puberty, Unkar Plutt tried to submit her to a different kind of services… it didn't work at all. She didn't allow anyone to get close to her, let alone touch her. It was both a waste of time and money. Who would have known such a skinny desert rat could cause that great damage to full grown men? At least she had other talents as a scavenger, otherwise she would have starved for all her late employer/owner cared. She had been smart enough to learn many different alien languages, including the binary language of the droids, being a valuable intermediary when selling parts to off-worlders that visited Niima Outpost. That knowledge allowed her to interact with those wanderers, who often regaled her with stories about the great heroes of the Republic. Han Solo and Chewbacca among them.

Kylo presumed that it was one of the few distractions she had to make that lifestyle more bearable. That's why she liked his stories so much, specially the ones that involved some sort of adventure.

However, the midnight spell of amicability was completely broken in the morning. There was no time for heartfelt stories. Her training required Kylo to be far more strict, even cruel sometimes.

Today they were trying a different approach. He wanted to test how acute Rey's force sensibility could be, by sparring in total darkness with practice swords. As expected, she was completely disoriented the first hour or so, which resulted on her making friends with the floor on multiple occasions.

—Well that was pathetic—Kylo teased her.

—This is useless.

—You have to stop relying so much on your eyes.

She attempted one more blind attack, aiming directly at his head. Kylo sensed her intentions since she grabbed the handle, therefore was able to convert the trajectory of her blow into torque just in time. The sudden change of direction and acceleration left her completely unstable, loosing both her sword and footing.

—You are wasting my time—Kylo said. He didn't need his sight to picture her red cheeks hot with frustration.

—I was thinking the same thing about you.

—Then make yourself useful and actually land a blow.

He handled the missing sword back. Rey instantly threw herself into another pointless offensive. Clouded with rage, her movements lost their usual deftness but not their vigor. She managed to make him retreat a couple of times, hitting his left calf when he was distracted. In return, Kylo began to spun them around on purpose. Once she was dizzy, he took advantage of her altered perception and stripped her of the weapon. He pushed her against a cushioned wall and crossed the prompt swords right over her chest, leaving her trapped between the blades.

Kylo stepped forward until he stood right in front of her. He stoped mere centimeters away from her face, close enough to feel her raging breath on his skin.

—Perhaps you could use some extra help—Kylo said between pants.

—Oh really? I hadn't noticed—she spit back.

—You talk too much for someone in your position—he said, running a deliberately slow globed finger all the way up from hollow between her clavicles to her chin, making her extend her neck. He felt her gulp, but she didn't try to lower her head.

—I still can't see the benefits from doing this.

—As visual creatures we rely heavily on our sight. It limits your sensibility since you're seeing rather than feeling your surroundings—he traced the same path down her neck, stoping a few millimeters above the fabric that covered her chest—. Take some time to identify were I am and how I stand before attacking. Try to keep trace my body, not by watching me, hearing or feeling the vibration of the blows, but by sensing where I am in space.

—Am I supposed to block the rest of my senses?—Rey asked.

—No, just focus on the flow of the Force that surrounds us. You know my signature in the Force, follow it.

—I know where you stand, but I can't distinguish which part is moving…

—Focus on my hands first, sense where I'am moving—Kylo removed the swords from the wall as he spoke, handling one of them back to Rey—. Trust your instincts, you already know how to find me. You just need to mentally separate the whole projection into small pieces.

Kylo retreated back to the center of the room and waited for Rey to follow. He didn't need the lights on to see the concentrated frown on her face. A few seconds passed by before she stepped forward. He made the first move, the metal blade clashing with hers. This time he was going easier on her, giving her time to search for him. He felt the soft brush of her Force signature probing him. Once it was stable enough, he attacked again. The reaction was instantaneous and he felt her push back more vigorously, all hesitation gone. His offensive met a solid defensive on her part. They were finally getting attuned. The clash of metal and their quick breathing pace on a second plane, it was nothing compared to the soft thrum of the Force flowing around them.

He lost all notion of time, all that mattered was the rhythmic ebb and flow of their motions. The muscles on his body were getting tired, but the ecstatic feeling on his chest gave him the strength needed to keep up. It felt like some sort of drug, the endorphin rush overcoming his senses. Rey was getting tired as well, her movements gradually slowing down due to fatigue but this wasn't a battle she could afford to lose. Her… 'master' had already humiliated her enough. She had to demonstrate how capable she really was. Call it dedication or pride, she didn't care anymore.

Rey waited patiently for an opportunity to disarm him. It finally presented itself when she sensed his sudden discomfort. He was having a cramp on his right flank. She pretended to direct her attack to his left side, only to change it last second. He perceived that setup before it happened, but it was already too late. His tired muscles weren't quick enough to stop her, as the metal made contact with the carbon polymer exoskeleton that protected his abdomen. The pain distracted him and she used the momentum to make him fall backwards. It was a low blow, but a victory was a victory. She took her sweet time to rejoice on that triumph.

—Now, was that good enough?—Rey said, pointing the tip of her sword directly at his windpipe.

—Better—he conceded.

—Better but?—she pressed.

—Next time I expect you to disarm me with your own abilities rather than trickery.

—Don't blame me for your lack of concentration—she scowled

—That was surprisingly dishonorable from you.

—Since when do you care about honor?

—I don't. But you should, if you intend to be true to the first lessons you learned from your first masters—he said, although he imagined his uncle Luke would have approved her tactics as long as she got to kick his ass.

—He probably would. Then he would scold me later for it—she said, chuckling. It wasn't a sound he got to hear often.

—Are you done yet?—he said, already annoyed from being pinned down.

—No.

—I'd rather not spend the rest of the afternoon on the floor.

—Wait, afternoon?

—Yes, it's already past 12—he was just as lost as her, but she couldn't know that.

—Oh… I didn't even realize it's been hours since… never mind.

—Having fun?—he side-grinned at her, then turned on the automatic artificial lights with a loud clap.

—Maybe—she suppressed a smile—. It's not a sight I get to see that often.

—Don't get too full of yourself.

—Don't be a sore loser.

—Are you gonna let me go or not?

—I don't know… I kinda like you there—she pressed the tip of the sword slightly harder, but let go after a few seconds. Then she offered her hand to help him get up. It wasn't really necessary, but he took it regardless as a way to accept her truce offer.

Kylo walked down to a shelf to take a huge bottle of water. Parched as he was, he drank almost half of it within a minute. Rey suddenly took the bottle off his hands and drank several sips as well. It felt somehow intimate to share personal objects with her. He almost made a comment on it, but decided not to, as he pictured it wasn't as weird for her to share those things. After all, coming from a desert planet, she didn't think twice before accepting water, in spite of having to share it's container with someone else.

—What?—Rey asked, fully aware of him staring. It made her feel self-conscious. Had she done something off putting?

Kylo refused to answer, instead took off his practice armor and drew a small towel from the shelf. His shirt was fully covered in sweat, so much that he had left his silhouette marked on the floor where he had fallen.

—Now do you understand the point of today's lesson?—He asked, looking anywhere but at her.

—Yes.

—Good.

Before either one of them could add something else, Kylo's comm interrupted the conversation. What a buzz-killing reality check. It was indeed past noon and he had work to do. As much as he liked spending time with his apprentice, the Order wouldn't run itself. It was his first, second and last duty. If only the weight of a galaxy

—See you later—he said, leaving before hearing her answer.

After a much needed shower and a quick meal, Kylo went straight to his desk to catch up with an awful lot of work. He was personally supervising the trading offers and legislation propositions that were delivered to the Final Order. The finances and logistics team of the High Council had already organized them in order of relevance. War could be either the ruin of a system, or an opportunity to rise as the greatest power. As Supreme Leader, he wanted to take the opportunity and build a self-sufficient Order. However, it was proving to be one of the biggest challenges of his term.

His forte had always been military. As a self-claimed man of action, paperwork was the constant headache he faced every afternoon. Luckily, being the son of a princess he inevitably ended up learning administrative skills—rather unwillingly, but it helped a lot anyways. Theoretically ruling a galaxy could be quite interesting, but when put into practice it proved to be quite cumbersome. The ridiculous bureaucracy and so many inefficient parts of the system prolonged some much needed changes. With time he had come to notice that some teams overlapped their functions, contributing to the hot mess inside the organization. He also requested for a group of engineers to find corrigible flaws in the data and artificial intelligence as well.

As a way to ensure the loyalty of the most unruly systems of the galaxy, the First Order offered to provide security systems and control illegal activities in exchange for their loyalty, resources and tax contributions. A bold move for sure, but necessary given the current circumstances. Many hard decisions were taken during a short period of time, in order to bring some stability to the galaxy. The New Republic era had inherited them decades of accumulated trouble. It was easy to proclaim allegation of freedom and hope, a sense of idealism that ultimately failed to solve the real problems that lied behind the facade.

About 8 standard hours later, Kylo finally called it a day. His eyes seeing weird flashes of light and a massive migraine threatening to unravel at any moment. The additional stress of his new position was unprecedented. How did his old master do it? The abominable cloned creature couldn't possibly run the whole galaxy that easy. Did he delegate the responsibility to his most trusted minions or was there some greater influence behind this all?

How did his mother do it? Well, neglecting her own family was the first step. In that moment Kylo felt dissociated enough to think about her. Not as General Organa, but as his mother. One of the most resilient leaders he had ever known. If only she had been more of a visionary… being the daughter of Vader, she had an even stronger claim to their heritage. In an attempt of conciliating her responsibilities as a leader and as a mother, she had failed to fulfill both roles. Some people just shouldn't have had children. He knew how much the Republic meant to her, that's why she sacrificed so many aspects of her personal life. And what for? The Republic was dead.

Ever since he was a young child he had learnt to be independent due to the lack of response. But he couldn't place all the blame on Leia, Han wasn't exactly the best role model when it came to parenting. What were they thinking when they decided to have a child? It was obvious none of them was made for a domestic life.

After all this time under the influence of Snoke—no, the Emperor—his earliest memories were just starting to change. There used to be a cold feeling whenever he looked back… it was no longer there. The emotions linked to the memory, however, were still there. He had a relatively good life until he awakened in the Force. He remember mostly the fear he perceived on his family. And the accidents… there were so many. Even with the claws of darkness retreating from his core memories, the facts remained untouched. No matter how free he felt right now from any external influences, the people he had hurt would never be the same… even when he hadn't meant to, he still managed to cause a great deal of damage since such a young age…

Suddenly Kylo realized that he had walked towards Rey's room completely unintended. He was just planning on taking a walk around the ship to clear his mind. The temptation to enter was big… but he didn't want to disturb her… since when??? He felt oddly nervous, even though the Force brought them together quite often. But he had never actually made any intent on visiting her at night. He took a deep breath before knocking. At first he thought she hadn't heard it, but then he felt her steps coming near. It might just have been his social anxiety talking.

—Yes?—she said firmly.

—May I come in?

—Are you really asking for permission?

—Is that a yes or…

—Fine—she said with a heavy sigh.

Kylo opened the lock from the outside. She was wearing a tight black tunic and pants, the shape somehow reminiscent of her old grey attire. She wasn't mad about having a visitor, just a bit confused, completely taken by surprise.

He took it as a positive sign and sat on a corner of the bed. It wasn't the same as when the Force connected them. Now he had no excuses to invade her space… but maybe he wouldn't have to. She instantly sat beside him, her knee at a prudent distance from his.

—You look troubled…—she said cautiously.

—It's been a long day.

—Are you sure that's all?—her eyes were wary but kind. Better than what he deserved. It was a selfish decision to come to her—Lying is pointless, I can sense your feelings.

—I didn't want to worry you as well…

—We are already here and I don't have anyone else to talk to… so…

Kylo didn't even know how to explain everything that was on his mind, specially since many or his problems were related to her enemies whereabouts… he couldn't just leak crucial information of the Order. A mental wall rose to block those thoughts from her. The other difficult part to explain were his childhood traumas. She already knew about them, had even witnessed some of them while they were sharing nightmares. It didn't make it any easier.

Instead, he took her hand, pretending to be interested in the small cuts and callouses that had developed due to the way she grabbed the handle of the weapons. So petite yet they hid a tremendous destructive potential. He continued caressing her hand, fascinated by the softness of her skin and the rapidly accelerating pulse on her wrist.

—Are you nervous?—he asked, looking directly into her eyes. She blushed, but didn't shy away.

—N-no.

—I'm not here to fight. I just wanted to check how you were doing.

—I'm good. A little bored but… overall fine.

—Did you dine already?

—No.

—Would you mind if I join you for it?

Spending time with Rey was surprisingly easy when they didn't mention anything about their past traumas, the current war or their greater destinies... It was comforting, knowing that she wouldn't suddenly disappear when the Force was done toying them. She was really there with him. Besides, he was truly curious about her, they were tied together and yet didn't know that much about each other. Obviating the memories they were forced to share.

After a much needed meal, they sat back on the bed with a shared cup of hot sweet mulled wine. He pretended to be utterly offended by the fact that Rey had never had it before and was so reluctant to try it. But once she did, she drank almost three quarters of the content of the cup. He had come to notice that her mood improved drastically after eating, a fact that amused him to no end. She even smiled more often.

Rey's head rested on the soft cushiony space between his shoulder and chest while he read out loud fragments of a historical novel. She had somehow convinced him to read her a book of his choice. He had told her about his past as an avid reader and scholar. It seemed to awake her curiosity, thus she asked which ones were his favorite books. As a kid he had learnt to read when he was four years old and kept reading for pleasure even after he was sent with his uncle. His mother was glad that he had a less violent interest, given that he had become quite a threat in combat ever since he learned how to use a lightsaber properly. Leia often gifted him with all sorts of reading material. Due to her influences, every once in a while she was able to get him invaluable pieces, including ancient hand-written tomes. He lost many of those volumes the day the Jedi temple burned… he regretted it almost as much as the loss of his childhood friends on that fateful night.

Kylo quickly buried those thoughts before they ruined the mood. At some point he realized that his apprentice had fallen asleep, hence he decided it was enough for today. He laid her carefully on the bed and covered her with the bedspread. Luckily she didn't wake up. Kylo took one more glance at her before leaving, her peaceful expression stirring something indescribable inside of him. Not wanting to distress her any further, he meditated before sleeping, hoping the Force wouldn't disturb them in the middle of the night.

A/N: thanks to the guest who left a review on the previous chapter!

As always, feedback is more than welcome.