Pootis McTootis was not in frame as the camera rolled in. His Laz-E-Ass chair sat unoccupied, puzzling the cameraman. The cameraman panned around the house, trying to find him, only to reveal the open door to an outhouse. On the seat of the outhouse sat the intrepid McTootis, his face tense with strain as he struggled against his bowels to relieve himself.
He finally noticed the camera, and was taken aback.
"Uh, dude", Pootis McTootis told the camera man, "I'm, uh... kind of in the middle of something. Can this wait?"
The cameraman shook the camera from side to side.
"I mean, not even like, two more minutes?"
The cameraman screeched, a long, loud, horrible sound. Thankfully, the subtitles translated his sayings.
You have been on the toilet for 75 years. You have not done anything to {Alucard's Asinine Adventures in America} for months. You have brought dishonor to your very name. You are made of stupid.
"I mean, yeah, but like, just a second more?"
Once again, another guttural screech from the camera man, translating to; If you make the overlords displeased, then you shall never be granted soup again.
"Damnit, I do love soup", Pootis McTootis conceded, as he relaxed his muscles. "Very well. Since I am so late, I suppose a small collection of shitposts is in order, is it not? And don't worry, I'm-"
Suddenly, a shit volcano erupted from beneath the author, and he was launched from his seat by the force of the blast. Behind him, the outhouse exploded, and he trailed blazing fire as he was flung through the air by the force of the assblast. A final blart spelled the end of his shitting spree, and he picked himself up, dusting off the flaming bits of fancy suit that still clung to his body.
"As I was saying, before I was so-"
The outhouse's remains went up in explosive flames again, the aftershock of a massive event.
"-rudely interrupted, I am in fact, almost done with this next chapter. It was a difficult one to write, as true horror is hard to convey in book format, I think, at least. I don't know, maybe I'm just a sociopath."
He took out his hanky, and huffed some blow from it, Amber Heard style.
"Anyway, enjoy. I'm going to get a new suit tailored by my friend Xue Hua Piao Piao Eggman."
Pootis McTootis exited the set, as the remnants of his suit burned away, revealing an out of shape loser underneath.
...
The phone rang, and Alucard answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello", someone questioned on the other end.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Who's this", a Scottish voice on the other end questioned.
"Who's this", Alucard countered.
"I'm asking the questions", the Scottish voice asserted, "I called you."
"No", the Alucard countered, "I called you, and you sound like the ugliest son of a bitch I ever heard."
"You sound like the physical manifestation of some loser's inner demons". The Scottish voice insulted.
"Well", Alucard objected, "you sound like some total chode's inability to confront the reality of his past actions."
"If I ever get your stinky mug in my line of sight", the Scottish voice threatened, "I swear to Chekhov, I'll cock your clock off."
"Well, I'm going to be the bigger man", Alucard asserted, "and hang up fir-"
The line went dead.
"Damn it", Alucard curse, slamming the phone back onto the receiver.
"Who was that, Master", Seras asked.
"No idea", Alucard said, suddenly wary.
With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Alucard exited the phone booth. From the phone booth next to him, Anderson likewise emerged. Alucard squared up to him.
"Listen", Anderson explained, moving into a JoJo stance, "we don't cotton to freaks around these parts. Scram, weirdo!"
"Oh, yeah", Alucard responded, puffing himself up, and waving a hand in Anderson's direction dramatically. "I don't polycotton to coping tropes, even my own. So why don't you split?"
"Looks like I already did", Anderson pointed out, showing him the rip in his priestly pants.
"You're the sad figment of my twisted psyche's tragic dividend", Alucard explained, as he twisted his whole body around, and separated his two fingers, looking through the opening with his eye. "You're the un-me, I'm the real me, you wannabe... me."
"Kiddo", Anderson countered, as he showed off his Chubbies, "I was the real me when you were still in my short-pants."
"Hate to break it to ya, but I wore them first", Alucard corrected, as he pointed up and down Anderson. "Me bequeathed thee, the psychopathological hand-you-down."
"So you're the one who stained them", Anderson declared, pointing an accusatory finger at Alucard.
"Whoever found it", Alucard deflected with a smug shrug, "browned it."
"You'd like me to be you, wouldn't me", Anderson declared with a grin, "but it's too late; you snoze, you loze."
"You sleeped", Alucard countered, mimicking tears streaming down his face, "you weeped!"
"You nappa", Anderson declared with a slapping motion, "you get slappa!"
"Well, you slumber", Alucard defiantly countered, withdrawing a large, green object from his duster, "a cucumber!"
"You catch up on some zeds", Anderson decreed, moving from a position of sleep, to waving his fingers until they touched his cranium, "you get outta my heads!"
"You slumber", Alucard said, once again reaching into his duster, "ham-BURGER!"
He withdrew a wrapped hamburger from his duster, and quickly followed up with, "I don't wanna talk about nothin' else!"
As he very quickly scarfed down the hamburger, Anderson approached him once more.
"Look, buddy, this world isn't big enough for two metaphysical seekers!"
Alucard wheeled on Anderson, jabbing an accusatory finger in his direction, saying through huge crumbs of burger falling from his mouth, "You couldn't seek your way out of a cardboard bag!"
"Yeah, I know", Anderson responded proudly, "because it would be an egg!"
"Ooh", Alucard yelped painfully, as if he had been struck across the face. The rest of the burger ejected from his mouth, he turned to consul himself in his own mind, stroking his chin, thinking, This guy might be better than me!
"You're right", Anderson declared with a triumphant pose, "I am better than me!"
Anderson offered no letup, saying to Alucard, "Look buddy, know... when you are defeated! Accept... your defecation!"
"No thanks, I'm full", Alucard explained, "because I eat pussies like you for breakfast!"
"Look at you", Anderson declared, going on the offensive, "you look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance!"
"Oh, yeah", Alucard countered, parrying with, "your mom is so shallow, she probably thinks this quip is about her."
"You are about as deep as a bowl of soup", Anderson meanly said, "and your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon!"
"Hey", Alucard said in a disapproving manner, "say what you want about me, but lay off the soup."
"If you love soupp so much", Anderson questioned, "why don't you marry soupp?"
"Because I'm already married", Alucard proudly informed him, "to justice!"
"Yeah", Anderson retorted, "only a blind girl would marry you!"
Alucard, unfazed, responded quickly, declaring, "I know everything you're gonna-"
He was cut off by Anderson interrupting him with, "-say. And I know everything you're gonna-"
"Don't", Alucard interrupted, placing a finger on Anderson's lips to silence him.
"Oh yeah", Anderson taunted, "well, when God was passing out insight, you thought... he said... that... when God... was passing out Holy Prophets, you thought he said 'oily faucets', because your soul... has diarrhea... of the mouth... faucet."
"Are you so dumb", Alucard roasted, "you even answer rhetorical questions?"
"I don't know", Anderson countered, "do you?"
"We could play this game all night", Alucard declared.
"First of all", Anderson corrected, "it's daytime. And this is no game."
"Checkmate", Alucard declared.
"Ooh, so you admit that you're checkin' me out", Anderson said, as he ran the head of a rose up and down his body, and then clenching the stem in his teeth as he finished, "and you want to mate."
"Ooh", Alucard said, pulling his cloak back to reveal the ass of his chaps. "You got a license to sell hotdogs, chico-man?"
"No", Anderson decried sadly, "they wouldn't give it to me... because... when I was filling out the application... my penis was sticking out!"
"Oh yeah", Alucard challenged, "you've only got one peeni?!"
Alucard raised an eyebrow, leaning his head in as he demanded, "Let me see it."
"See with your eyes", Anderson chastised, "not with your mouth!"
"I'll call your bluff", Alucard declared voraciously. "I'll see your penis with your mouth, and I raise you with my hand", as he stated the terms, he pointed to his dominate hand.
"Ante up", Anderson challenged.
"Ok", Alucard told him. "On the count of three, we show what's under the suit... wiener... take... all!"
In unison, they counted.
"One... two... three!"
Each lifted their respective penile seals to show the other what they had in stock. Seras' mouth stood agape. Alucard's eyes bugged out of his head.
"Wow", Alucard told Anderson. "Just... wow."
"I know", Anderson said sadly. "Unfortunately for me, my wee-wee is quite wee."
"Uh", Alucard interjected, "no, dude... like... quite the opposite. Just out of curiosity, how do you walk upright?"
"Well, as you can see", Anderson said sadly, waving a hand towards his member, "I am not weighed down."
"There's being humble", Alucard told him, "and then there is flat-out denial. You are in denial about how massive your schlong is."
"It couldn't possibly compare to yours."
"Wrong", Alucard declared. "I willingly concede defeat. I mean, I'm slightly above average, but you would have to be a super hero to fit what you've got inside you."
"I am ashamed in defeat", Anderson said with a sniff, zipping his pants back up.
"You should not be", Alucard told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Your cock is like the Rock; large, muscly and bald. In comparison, mine is like John Cena; you can't see it at all!"
"What game could you possibly play", Anderson said out of curiosity. "What angle could you possibly hold?"
"In declaring that your penis is long and thick and hard", Alucard said, shocked.
"I know that you must be playing a game", Anderson said in an accusatory manner. "Which is it? Monopoly? Chutes and Ladders? Cards Against Humanity?!"
"You know what", Alucard declared, crossing his arms, "it appears that you have forced me to reveal the inner machinations of my mind. I therefore do simply declare, that should I declare that I am engaging in pre-marital relations with your bitch, you will understand that I am being truthful in that regard."
"First of all", Anderson countered with a raised finger, "I don't own a dog. And even if I did, it would be a male, and his name would be Quandilius Ferdison Bartholemew Walter the Fourth, after my former secretary."
"Are you insinuating", Alucard pressed, placing his hands on his hips in a disapproving manner, "that me engaging in homosexual actions is somehow a bad thing?"
"Far from it", Anderson decreed, "because like my former secretary, my dog, Quandilius Ferdison Bartholemew Walter the Fourth, will have crabs!"
"You would allow me to engage in relations with your dog", Alucard said, a horrified look on his face, "knowing full well that he has a sexually transmittable disease?!"
"Why, yes", Anderson stated proudly. "Once they multiply, I will finally have enough ingredients to open my seafood diner!"
"Ew", Seras said loudly.
"Oh yeah", Alucard said, "forgot about you. Anderson, it appears we will have to cut our us time short."
"Because of a woman", Anderson chastised. "You must remember the mantra; Brothers before Others!"
"I should, but I promised her that I would do a thing before you called me. I should get going."
"I see. See you at dinner?"
"Perhaps."
The two madmen parted ways.
...
Pootis McTootis had finally finished wiping his bottom, and had changed back into a new suede suit when his cameraman found him again.
"Bro, what", Mr. McTootis asked.
His cameraman produced a low, grumbling moan, and then shrieked. Fortunately, Pootis had subtitles enabled.
Your usage of a popular meme is disappointing, he explained. The council has decreed that you must do something original.
"No cap?"
The cameraman shrieked that there was none.
"Very well. This one is set a few weeks before the start of the events in question, and it is definitely gonna get me cancelled if I haven't been already. It is titled; The Black Market Joke."
...
There was a knock at the door.
This was a bit unusual, as typically, if anyone wanted to knock on the door, they would have to get past several SAS veterans, some on loan from the government, and others being paid outrageous amounts to stand around and literally do nothing except keep people away from the door. As an added bonus, it was the middle of the day.
"I'll get it", Alucard said, standing from his chair. "It's probably for me anyway."
That was also a bit unusual, so Seras and Integra stood to follow him.
Alucard opened the door to find a large package. Alucard yanked it inside, and tore it open.
Inside was a scared young Asian woman.
Naturally, the two other women began freaking out.
"Ladies, ladies", Alucard said, putting up his hands. "One at a time!"
"WHAT THE FUCK", they both shouted.
"Why is there a woman in the box", Seras shrieked.
"Why is there a woman in my house", Integra shouted.
"Hold on", Alucard said, "I can explain."
Naturally, this caused the women to freak out again.
"I CAN EXPLAIN", Alucard roared.
The two women waited eagerly for his explanation.
"Ok, so... I wanted to buy a black person on the black market, so that I could make a funny joke. But, as you can see here, this is an Asian woman... so... joke ruined."
For a moment, the room was quiet.
Then, once again, the women exploded into screaming.
Alucard sighed, stuck a fist under his chin, and blankly allowed the women to continue screaming.
"How did you even bloody sneak her up to the door", Integra shouted.
Finally, a question that couldn't be easily answered with, "because I'm an asshole".
"Funny you should say that", Alucard told her, "I was kinda wondering something similar to that."
Alucard leaned his head out of the door, shouting.
"YO, MERC!"
With expert precision, the veteran SAS mercenary turned his head towards him.
Alucard pointed to the box, asking, "How the fuck did this happen?"
With expert precision, the veteran SAS mercenary shrugged.
"Professionalism at its finest", Alucard grumbled sarcastically, returning to the shouting women.
...
"Well", Alucard explained to the woman, "since it's going to take some serious work to unfuck this thanksgiving turkey, you might as well clean up the drippings in the meantime."
Alucard kicked the mop and bucket combo towards her, saying, "You can start by mopping the basement."
As it turned out, the woman was quite good at mopping. the floors of "Le Dungeon" were looking spick and spam by the time Walter approached them. He raised an eyebrow at the work being done.
"Replacing me already, sir?"
"On the contrary", Alucard said with a raise of his hand, "a gift to you, for all your hard work!"
"Excellent", Walter said enthusiastically, "next she can do the dishes, the laundry, sweep the chimneys, and help me oil several of the reserve rifles. Speaking of which, is she using the Sparkle Polish?"
"Don't know", Alucard admitted, "I just gave her the first bucket I found laying out."
"Then she's using the good stuff", Walter affirmed with a nod. "So, why did you really bring her here?"
"Funny you should ask", Alucard said with a grin. "See, I was gonna buy a black person from the black market, and then I was going to make this joke-"
"Oh, I'm being paged", Walter exclaimed, grabbing his pager. He turned to leave, saying, "Cheerio, good sir."
"Adios", Alucard said dejectedly.
Alucard gave a long sigh.
There was a knock at the door.
"I'll get it", Alucard shouted, leaving to open the door.
Said opened door revealed a middle-aged man of Asian descent. He was average height, had a full head of hair, and was covered in a combination of scars and tattoos, which his three-piece suit dutifully attempted to cover up.
Alucard turned to the nearest mercenary, shouting, "YO, MERC!"
With expert precision, the veteran SAS mercenary turned to him.
Alucard pointed towards the Asian man, saying, "How did this happen?"
With expert precision, the veteran SAS mercenary shrugged.
"Fucking superhero", Alucard grumbled. He turned to examine the man, and after a moment of consideration, bowed, saying in a flat tone, "Konichiwa."
The man bowed in kind, saying, "I have never been one to be horribly patient, but you have just put my mind at ease. So, I will... cut to the chase. Are you the one called... Alucard?"
Alucard reached slowly into his jacket, saying, "Depends on why you're asking."
"I need your help."
"Then hell the fuck no I ain't Alucard."
"Perhaps I could leave a message, then", the man said, entirely unfazed.
Alucard reached into his coat, producing a recorder. He pressed the big red button, and held it out towards the man.
"I am Yung Lin", the man explained. He rolled up his sleeve, and gestured to some of his tattoos, saying, "I think you understand who I am affiliated with. I am a representative, of rather high rank. I am told, Alucard, that you can… find things… things that cannot be found-"
My ass longs to be eaten…
"Hold on", Alucard said, producing his phone, "gotta take this."
Alucard flipped his phone open, saying, "Mmyellow!"
For a moment, Alucard was silent.
"Phil, my man, how the hell are ya?! … Still hatin' the wife, I see… yeah, she is a bitch. Hey, you still down to go fishing next month? … Moving to the month after? Aw, nuts… yeah, I understand… yeah, we can do that. What do you… of course I still have dynamite… yeah… yeah… alright, talk to ya soon, buddy… Fuck sake, Phil, I'm not your wife… alright, bye."
Alucard flipped his phone closed, and putting it back in his pocket. He brought the recorder back up to Yung Lin's face, and nodded. Yung Lin continued as if there hadn't even been a pause.
"I will… cut right to the chase. My daughter, Mei Lin, has been kidnapped by an opposing wing of Yakuza. It is my belief that she has been sold into the sex trade. It is far too late for me to find her, but you… can find what cannot be found. I need your help. I am willing to pay any price-"
"No", Alucard interrupted. "Alucard has all the money in the world. The thing he wants is… a favor."
"He has it", Yung Lin told him.
Alucard lowered the recorder.
"One day, and that day may never come, you will be called upon to complete a service. Maybe it will be something you're good at. Maybe it won't make any sense. But you will complete this service, because you have been bound to do so. You will do it willingly, or unwillingly. Do I make myself clear?"
"Hai."
"Good", Alucard said, stopping the recording, and putting the recorder back in his coat. "I will find Mei Lin."
"I am Mei Lin", the young woman from the black market said, having walked by the door at the same time. She poked her head out the door, and her face lit up.
"FATHER!"
"Mei Lin", Yung Lin shouted, holding his hands out.
Mei Lin ran to her father, and jumped into his arms.
"Awww", Alucard said. "Hey, wait, did you finish cleaning the basement?"
Yung Lin looked up at Alucard, saying, "I don't know how you did it, but I won't… look a gift horse in the mouth. You have my favor… and if need be, my blade."
"Cool", Alucard said, waving to Yung Lin as he took his daughter home.
Integra and Seras came up next to him, Seras waving goodbye as well.
"See", Alucard told Integra, snaking an arm around her shoulder, "it all worked out in the end… because we're best frien-"
"No."
…
The door unlocked with a thud. A few more clicks and whirs, and the door swung open. At the top of the stairs stood Alucard, with a filled body bag in his left hand, and at the bottom of the stairs sat a monster.
The Wendigo was easily eight feet tall, but with how hunched it appeared, no one could be for certain what its true height would be. Torn, tanned flesh, some animal and some human, clung to its emaciated ribcage. Its terrible cow-deer hybrid face with horribly sharp teeth, pulled skin, exposed bone along the muzzle, and the glossy, endless obsidian orbs that were its eyes looked sharply at the top of the stairs. Sensing a threat, it used its long, thin limbs to sink slowly back into the darkness of the dungeon, the threat in question never leaving its eye.
"No, no", Alucard reassured the creature, hefting the body bag. "Food!"
Alucard tossed the bag down the stairs. It tumbled towards the end, making sickening snapping sounds as bones awkwardly cracked. The bag came to a rest at the feet of the monster.
Although the monster hesitated, it could not resist its stomach. It tore open the bag, and began devouring its contents. Chunks of flesh and blood flew every which way, painting the walls.
"You'll never guess", Alucard told the creature, as he made his way down the stairs. "Get this; I try to verbally reprimand this guy, just a typical dressing-down, and the dumb fucker says he's going to the press! I mean, how fucking stupid do you have to be?!"
The creature stopped eating, eyeing Alucard as he walked to the corner of the room, turning on the old gramophone and putting on a record. Everywhere at the End of Time began playing softly and sadly, and Alucard grinned, approaching the creature.
"So, yesterday, I had this great joke that I was going to do, right?"
"S-son", the creature questioned in a thin, raspy whisper.
"I was going to order a black person off the black market, right? But then I was going to say-"
Alucard busted up laughing. He began laughing so hard, in fact, that he fell over, holding his gut.
"I'm sorry, it's just so fucking funny-"
Alucard continued to bust up laughing.
"Son…"
Tears began welling in the creature's eyes.
"No, because you don't get how fucking funny it would've been, cause I was going to say-"
Alucard began shrieking laughter.
"I'm… sorry…"
Tears fell from the creature's eyes, as the melancholy music wafted through the air.
…
"Welp, I'm cancelled", Pootis McTootis said to no one in particular.
He hit one last Whippit, and hung the noose from his ceiling.
His cameraman shrieked, and fortunately, the subtitles were still on.
The council decrees that you cannot end your career via spiked cancellation.
"Did the council say that oxygen comes from trees instead of telephone towers as well", Pootis McTootis asked, as he loaded a single silver bullet in his .38, and prepared to break the cyanide capsule in his tooth from his days in the Boy Scouts.
Another shriek revealed more information.
You cannot quit just because you have brought many dishonorbru on your famiry.
"Very well", Pootis McTootis said, throwing away his razor blades. "Allow me to introduce you to a cut character; Donkeyskin."
…
Walking into the dusty suit shop, they were immediately greeted by Roach.
"You need somethin', sweety", Roach asked.
"The Police Girl wants to meet my tailor", Alucard told Roach, lazily pointing towards her.
"Yeesh, I don't wanna meet your tailor", Roach said with a shudder. "She gives me the heeby-jeebies."
"Did someone call for a tailor", a lovely, singsong voice with a slight hint of a British accent called from the room behind the counter.
Alucard and Roach visibly cringed.
"Yeah", Alucard called out. "Got someone who wants to meet you."
"If they're working with my father", the voice said, with a mixture of harshness and caution, "tell them they are not welcome here."
"If she's from your father", Alucard answered, "I'm a roasted chicken. And while I may be delicious, I am certainly not nutritious."
"Well... I suppose someone else to speak to couldn't hurt."
"Come on out and take a gander at my new apprentice", Alucard called.
From the back room stepped an interesting sight. A cute, late-teenage girl, with straight brown hair, dazzling green eyes and pale skin walked daintily forth. She wore an outfit with contrasting colors that went very well together. In fact, the only thing that looked a little bit off about her was that she wore what appeared to be a donkey's pelt down her back, and she wore the head of said donkey as a pseudo hat.
Weird, but at this point she hadn't found anyone who wasn't a little weird.
"She seems nice", Seras offered.
"Really", Alucard said, in a tone that could have been mocking, "because to me, she seems like a hideous human-donkey hybrid. I call her Donkeyskin."
Donkeyskin rolled her eyes, but didn't speak up.
"Would you like to see my latest suit", she asked Seras.
"Sure", Seras cheerfully replied, following behind her as she guided her to the tailor's room.
The suit in question looked like a carbon copy of Alucard's.
"Oh", Seras said evenly, "you're the one who makes Alucard's suits."
"I am", Donkeyskin replied proudly. "Each one is crafted with a Rift, which is my real specialty."
"A Rift", Seras asked.
"Has he not told you", Donkeyskin replied, confused. "Perhaps he just wanted to keep it a secret. Well, unfortunate for him, since I don't get many admirers, I will give my first ever an in-depth look."
Donkeyskin ushered her over, running a hand over the left side of the suit.
"Under these folds is a Rift. I can't show you it directly, because it could implode if it's introduced to our dimension for too long. Your very own dead man switch. If used correctly, it can act in two main fashions. The first and most obvious is to use it as a bag of holding."
"Bag of holding?"
"Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?"
"No?"
"... Well, essentially, it is an infinite storage device."
"OOOOH! Is that why Alucard seems to be able to pull out exactly what he needs when he needs it?"
"Something like that, yes", Donkeyskin replied. "However, there are rules on specific items. For instance, something too large wouldn't fit through the bag's proper top, and one typically has to fight to fit a blessed item inside. As to why that is, I'm not entirely certain. It seems that God wants all of his blessings in the light of day."
"Are those the only rules?"
"Oh, Heavens no, there are so many more. But you won't have to learn them, because you need permission from people that I never get permission from to use one of these. Also, you would need to wear a coat at all times in order to utilize it, and you seem like a long-sleeve shirt kind of girl."
"Ok... how else can it be used?"
"Watch this", Donkeyskin said with a wink.
She pulled a Chapstick out of her own pocket, and slipped it into the Rift. She twirled the suit around on its pedestal and mannequin to face a small bullseye on the wall. She took aim for a moment, then flicked the coat in a precise manner. The Chapstick came flying out, missing the bullseye entirely, and punching a hole through the wall, traveling through it.
"Whoops", Donkeyskin said, looking around to make sure no one else saw what she had done.
"Wow", Seras cheered, clapping.
"Yes", Donkeyskin said with a sigh, "my family line is very skilled at this; it is our trade."
"You said you didn't want your father around", Seras asked. "Did you have an argument with him?"
Donkeyskin gave a sad smile.
"More like he wanted me to become my mother", she clarified. She sighed again, clarifying further, "Literally."
"Oh", Seras said.
Donkeyskin gave her a look.
"Oh... oh, God, that's horrible!"
"Naturally, I'm not in any hurry to see him again... not that I believe I will. My father is wealthy and well-connected, even to the Catholic Church, but Alucard is on a whole other level. For moving one person around, he's quite adept."
Donkeyskin smiled.
"It was nice to meet you, Police Girl, but I can hear Alucard getting loud. I think he wants you back."
Seras nodded, and turned to leave.
...
"There you have it", Pootis McTootis said, wiping his nose. "Donkeyskin."
Pootis McTootis reached under the table, and pulled out a desktop computer.
"However, a word from... me."
He pressed the spacebar, and a video of himself on the same desk with the same desktop computer came up.
"First of all, sorry it's been so long. I'd give an explanation, but its long and boring. Second of all, it has been especially long this time. As a result, not only will you be getting this, but in two weeks' time, you will be getting the next chapter. However, I have more in store if you're curious. I've got a TF2 fic in the works, an older collection of TF2 Fics I found, an old Metro Fic I also found, another half-finished Deadpool Fic, and maybe, maybe, a STALKER Fic. If you're interested, let me know with a PM or review or a letter delivered via carrier pigeon."
Pootis McTootis pushed the desktop computer off of the desk.
"If you don't care about any of that, then dm me and call me a stupid head. I am absolutely floored that so many of you decided to stay through these trying times. Thank you all. Now go to bed."
Pootis McTootis tilted his head back, and fell asleep.