Chapter 7: hope is a dangerous thing

According to Rey's count, it had been nearly two months and a half since she joined Kylo Ren. She was good at keeping track of time, another skill she acquired during her life in Jakku. It had passed by so fast, and yet it felt like a lifetime had gone by since the night she had finally accepted his proposal. She had changed, for better or worse.

It had been rather easy getting used to the simple lifestyle of an apprentice. Training, meditating, studying. Those activities kept her occupied during the day. She had even learned a new hobby, her master had given her miscellaneous parts to build her own lightsaber, some books on the theory of it's building, and promised to help her find her own kyber crystal. Eventually. For now she was occupied designing it. She would finally have a quarterstaff lightsaber! It's creation was a tough challenge, but it would be her own creation, with a crystal she would be bound to. Even if the Skywalker lightsaber felt good on her hands, it wasn't the same as having a lightsaber to call her own. How much could she improve with this weapon? Rey couldn't wait to find out. She had drawn 27 prototypes before finally developing the design, which she had modeled into a 3D program to make sure it would work and that it was exactly how she had envisioned it. The last detail was the color of the double-blade, which she would find out only after igniting it for the first time… would it be blue like master Skywalker's? A light purple-ish shade like Leia's? Bright red like Kylo's? That last possibility was disturbing to say the least…

Everything had been relatively nice until the delicate peace was broken the night Rey witnessed a new nightmare of Kylo Ren's repertoire. He was full clad in a black armor, masked and covered by a cape. The very image that haunted her after their first encounter on Takodana. It used to terrify her, but nowadays she barely rolled her eyes at it. The images, however, turned her blood cold. The sky was bright red, the air smelled like burnt flesh and death. The atmosphere was cold, not only due to the temperature of the burning forest, but because of the dark energy that oozed from that place. It was a sacrifice zone, filled with the screams of the massacre victims, shooting and the hum of the angry red blade she knew so well.

Her eyes watered because of the smoke. Hundreds of blasters illuminated the dark forest. Bodies were falling by her side. The battle lasted less than two hours. Rey would have vomited if she had anything in her stomach. Kylo Ren had managed to take so many lives that day. Their bodies fell so easily, he had barely broken a sweat by the end of the battle. And there he stood in the middle of the forest, the last man standing surrounded by corpses. By that moment he had taken off the mask. He had such an unbothered expression for someone who just unleashed a massive disaster…

Kylo approached a stone structure with a carved symbol. Inside of it was a green prism-shaped artifact. After taking it out of it's place, haunted voices started murmuring things in a language Rey had never heard before. The vocalization chilled her blood. Whatever was inside of the crystal, it glistened and moved, almost as if it had a life of its own.

It was too much. Rey woke up screaming, tangled up in the sheets. She was fully covered in sweat even though she hadn't performed any physical effort. In her screaming she had also woken up Kylo, who was every bit as distressed as she felt. His concerned gaze clashed with the memory of his concentrated emotionless stare while he killed the people on the forest. He tried to reach for her, but she pushed him aside.

—What the kriff was that?!—Rey screamed.

—It was just a mission.

—It was massacre!

—Get over it—he was annoyed.

—How can you even say that? You are a murderer!

—Now tell me something I don't know.

They stood silently for a few minutes. Then suddenly Kylo decided to break the silence with another one of his petulant comments...

—And you are not a murderer? We are all killers here, fighting on opposite sides of this war.

—I don't kill people for sport.

—But you sure do whenever is convenient. Don't come to me playing the innocent role, it doesn't suit you.

—What you do… I could never do it. I couldn't take innocent lives…

—You already have. How many of my troopers have you killed? Do they not count because they are fighting for the enemy's side?

—It's not the same and you know it…

—Is that what you tell yourself to cope with the guilt? You know what? I'm done with the pretend.

—I'm not pretending anything! And you... you-you hunt rebels down and so many innocents too!

—Because they are a menace to the system that keeps the damn galaxy working!

—You have personally murdered thousands of people! You even annihilated a whole system in seconds! It's not comparable—. Rey felt like crying but she was done showing weakness. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of making her cry, thus she swallowed hard and stoped the tears from spilling.

—It was necessary—he insisted—. You may not see it now because you are looking at a small frame instead of the whole picture.

—I don't see how a massacre can ever be necessary.

—What you just saw… it was a trip to Mustafar to rescue the wayfinder that leads to Exegol. To your grandfather—that last word disturbed her.

—Why did you do it?

—What exactly?

—Everything… the whole trip to that place, the murder…?

—I saw the planet before, on a… most likely a vision. I saw the Sith temple on Exegol, and the throne… I had to find out what was going on and needed a way to find it. The last registers of any activity remotely close to Exegol leaded to Mustafar… there used to be a base on that planet, one that Darth Sidious used to raise Force-sensitive children into his minions…—he kept talking but Rey wasn't listening anymore.

She vividly remembered that vision. At its mere mention her head started running wild. She barely registered the rest of his explanation. In her panic, she used every bit of strength she had to push him away. She couldn't stand him any longer. He never fell. Or at least he didn't on her side of the bond, disappearing before making contact with the floor. On one hand, she almost expected him to storm back into the room and attack… but on the other hand, he was so unnervingly calmed about it that she doubted it could actually happen. Mercurial as he was, Kylo had a sliver of self control now that he wasn't submitted to a manipulative master. Without the voices in his head, he seemed to choose his battles a bit smarter than before.

Sleeping didn't come easily during that night. She had been a fool accepting his invitation. The fact that he embraced her at night and whispered sweet nothings into her ear wouldn't change who he really was. The nightmare had been a cruel reminder of the real state of things. Oh, but it had been so easy to ignore…

The morning after the confrontation Kylo escorted her to the training room as usual, but didn't say a word about last night. Not even a 'good morning'. To top it all, he had also shut her out of his mind too. Silence was somehow worse than the heated follow up she had anticipated.

Kylo guided her to the center of the training room. The circular arena had the jittery edges that indicated the activation of the magnetic field that encased them to protect the other installations. A suspicious change to say the least. Was it too soon to panic? Her master actively avoided looking at her, until he handled her a protective armor for her torso and a weapon. Much to Rey's surprise, it was the Skywalker lightsaber. But what did that mean? She furrowed her brows but took the saber anyways. He was sporting his own lightsaber as well. So no more practice swords…

Kylo suddenly advanced on her, igniting his red blade. It happened so quickly she barely had time to react. The blades collided right before her face, the intensity of the light almost blinding her. Rey tried her best to answer to the offensive, assuming what little she managed of the seventh form, varying to the fifth and sixth forms. She struggled a bit, but kept up with his unforgiving pace. All the time invested in this type of training was proving to be quite useful, Rey realized with satisfaction, rejoicing in the feeling of being able to rely on both skills and the Force.

Even though she was better prepared this time, Kylo still had the high ground. There was only so much raw talent and a couple of months of training could do against his two decades of expert training. The flux of the Force surrounding them was intoxicating. The velocity of their movements had increased. A single blink could precipitate a catastrophe for one of them, every second was extremely valuable. Their concentration on their duel was so absorbent that it made Rey lose conscience of anything else besides the clash of the lightsabers and the foresight she was developing. She was fixed into reading his intention before he translated the thought into muscle contraction and kinetic energy.

That was the technical, most cognitive part of their duel. The other big drive to their actions came from drawing power from emotions and the most instinctive parts of their brains. Amygdalae triggering the impulses that translated into the fight-or-fly response, more specifically preparing for the battle and keeping up with the frenetic rhythm. Every frustration was being released during the duel. It was dangerously close to the encounters they used to have before they agreed on this weird partnership. Kylo wasn't going easy on her at all. He wanted her to lose control. He pushed into her mind the memory of their nighttime conversation, with all the turmoil it carried. The words were imprinting on her brain, making her scream.

Rey fought him back with all of her might. For a moment, she allowed the rage inside of her to take complete control of her actions. That was the advantage she needed to change the course of the confrontation. She hadn't aimed for it, but Kylo happened to move to the wrong side at the wrong time and the blade ended up piercing him on his flank. He winced in pain and the smell of burnt clothes and flesh filled the air. He fell on his knees, unable to get back on his feet. On the floor, he removed the pierced practice armor and his shirt to asses the damage. The wound wasn't that deep. It wasn't penetrating, but it had trespassed a few layers and was bleeding on some spots. He sat on the floor to apply cold water and pressure on the wound. The cut was surrounded by a red area about the size of his palm and had some angry blisters on the surface.

Rey stood frozen in place. He lied on the floor completely defenseless and she was still holding a lightsaber, finally having the high ground… that might be her only chance to scape. If she killed him right now, the war would take a significant turn. She really should kill him. It had been her goal ever since they declared their enmity. She would be free. Later she would figure out a way to scape, to go back to the Resistance… and yet, when she finally had a chance to fulfill her duty, she couldn't do it. She had hurt people before, mostly in self-defense, but never with the intention of actually killing them. He wasn't innocent though, he was the responsible of uncountable deaths… his death would save the galaxy from so much misery…

Rey contemplated the option for a few seconds, hoping it would pass as shock rather than treason against her so-called master. However, all the bravery she had begun to gather disappeared the second she looked at his dark eyes. The anger instantly drained and she started seeing things clearly. Rey wasn't that kind of person. As much as she wanted to hate him, she couldn't stand the idea of hurting him. The guilt and the pain would be too much to bear. It was at that moment that Rey realized she would never be able to end his life. She switched off the lightsaber, ashamed of the sudden burst of rage that had overcome her senses.

—I-I'm so sorry, I didn't…—Rey got on her knees beside him—let me help you.

—You have done enough!—he hissed, taking the lightsaber off her hand. He attempted to get back on his feet, but tumbled down once again.

—Please, I've done this before!—she insisted.

—What? AH!—he screamed in pain as she placed her hand on top of the cut.

Kylo almost pushed her aside until he felt a strange sensation. She was pushing something… not into his mind, but into his bloodstream and cells. His wound started changing rapidly. The muscle reattached and the bullae reabsorbed. His flesh was taking a less reddish undertone. It itched like crazy, the speeded up healing process proved to be quite uncomfortable. A crusting formed where the blisters had sprouted and then dissipated, revealing a new healthy skin layer underneath.

Once the pain ceded and his wound was satisfactory healed, Rey started noticing some other details she hadn't before. His pale skin was crossed by even paler scars. There were so many, in different stages of cicatrization. The newest ones went from pink to a violet-grayish shade. They had all sorts of shapes, due to different trauma mechanisms. The most prominent ones were the diagonal gash she had carved with the Skywalker lightsaber on Starkiller Base, crossing his face and chest, and the puckered skin where blaster bolt that Chewie gave him landed, right after killing Han Solo… that had been a potentially fatal shot. He did deserve it, but her stomach still turned at the thought of him freshly wounded. At his memories of that day, the one he had shared inadvertently during his nightmares…

They remained silent for a while, processing what just transpired between them. Once Rey calmed down, the scars weren't the only detail she came to notice. Rey had seen him shirtless before, but only at waist level. The lower cut pants suited him much better. He had a broad V line on the lower part of his chiseled abdomen, from the highest point of his hips to the vertex covered by his pants… and then there was a fine line of dark hair that went from his navel down to his… never mind. She shouldn't be thinking about it. Specially not after almost killing him. But oh, she was so tempted to uncover the rest of his skin… Rey suddenly noticed her hand had stayed on his abdomen for too long. She tried to remove it but he stopped her.

Rey looked up to his face. His eyes were wide open in wonder, all anger and hostility had completely evaporated. He looked almost like a different person, which only served to complicate things further. He was speechless for once, still processing what happened. She was exhausted, the healing process had drained a huge amount of energy. She had drawn mostly on her own life to heal him. In the same way she had on the Resistance's mission on Pasaana.

—When did you…?—he asked.

—Not too long ago, on a mission—she hoped he wouldn't ask any more details about it.

—You hadn't told me.

—Well it's not something one just vents. Besides this is only the second time I've ever done it, it's not something I can do on the daily.

Kylo softly brushed her hand off to take a closer look at the spot were the wound had been. The skin was immaculate, as if nothing ever happened. Kylo thought the result was far better than natural cicatrization, and he even dared say superior to the finest procedures performed by either robotic plastic surgery or nanotechnology. Amazing.

—I never mastered healing—he confessed—. How did you learn? Neither Leia or Luke could have taught you.

—I don't know… I just did what felt right in the moment.

—You said you had done this before.

—Yes, I once healed an injured vexis—he frowned but didn't question her any further.

She remembered the encounter with the gigantic snake-like reptile on the underground caves. It almost killed Rey and her friends. Saving it had been one of the most reckless stupid things she had done… and that says a lot, considering her natural call for trouble. But she couldn't just run away. She felt the animal's pain, it disturbed her. Fully trusting her intuition, Rey proceeded to heal its wounds. At the end it was worth it, as the vexis instantly calmed down and tamed, revealing the way out of the tunnels.

Rey couldn't help but notice that the healing process had the same civilizing effect on Kylo. He looked deeply lost in his own thoughts. Just to make sure he wasn't having a complete meltdown, she did some minor mind probing. He wasn't having a breakdown, but he was deeply confused, like trying to decipher something she couldn't grasp…

—How does it work?—Kylo asks after a while, both his tone and facial expression neutral.

—I… I draw on life-Force to do it. On my surroundings and my own life—Rey began to explain—. I gather it and then focus on the wound, on the damaged layers and the pain… then I help knitting the tissues back together.

—Are you okay? It seems to take quite an effort.

—I'm exhausted but fine. Besides, it feels good—he frowned and she continued to explain—. Not the energy drain, but the relief that comes after the process is complete. It feels… peaceful, it's comforting.

—You are such a sucker for the Light—he joked—. And here I was thinking you were actually making some progress.

—I've done everything you have told me, even when I don't want to—her inner peace turned into turmoil in a matter of seconds.

—I'm aware. But you are still connected to the Light… It's not that bad though, is useful as long as you can preserve the healing abilities. They'll come in handy sooner or later.

—Can I lose them?—even if Rey had only ever performed two healing processes, she wasn't about to give it up. Not when she was able to preserve life and make pain go away.

—Perhaps… healing is a Light side feature by excellence. You can't master it in the Dark side without performing some of the most dangerous unnatural arts. The chance of going mad and destroying your own body because of it's use is far too big.

—Have you tried it?

—No, I've never needed to…

—If I continue training with you… is there a chance it'll change me? Is it possible to lose what I already can do?

—I honestly don't know… I hope not.

Rey was truly worried about that possibility. She had given up a life she actually loved with the Resistance, she wasn't ready to give up the good parts of her powers too. It might be a greedy desire, but she really didn't want to lose that part of herself.

Kylo noticed the deep frown and the sadness in her eyes. He took cupped her face with his hands.

—Hey, it's gonna be alright—he assured her, with those soft eyes that made her heart skip a beat. Oh, he made her mind go blank so easily…

—How can you be so sure?

—We'll figure it out together.

When had he leaned in? Or maybe it was her who had closed the space between them. His face was so close. Rey breathed in his smell, a warm mixture of light cologne, sweat and his own scent. It was intense enough to make her dizzy. Her heart was beating so fast she could almost hear its erratic thrumming. His dark gaze was so intense she could swear he was drilling a hole directly into her very soul.

—Are you sure you want to do this?—Kylo whispered into her ear, his deep rich voice sending shivers all down her spine. His lips lightly brushed her earlobe while speaking, making her knees go weak.

Rey could no longer deny it. She desired him so much it made her chest ache. But if she did what she truly wanted, there would be no way back. There was something else in that interaction as well. It was something dark, a different kind of darkness that felt like a warm embrace that could drown her. But oh, she wanted to taste him so badly… the idea had crossed her mind for the first time when she had come to him full of hope and dreams, thinking she could change him and save him from Snoke. She remembered the tension on the elevator. It had only grown since then, despite her efforts to hate him for everything he had done.

How much would their relationship change if she kissed him? She might never recover from it. Fraternizing with the enemy, she truly was a traitor. Getting involved in that way wasn't something she could ever forgive herself for. And she had almost killed him mere minutes ago, and then healed him. She couldn't just let him die. And she wanted more from him as well. He was the other part of the dyad. Their relationship was so unique, she wondered if it was even possible to scape the massive pull she felt towards him. It felt like trying to defeat gravity by jumping. However, that didn't mean she should just throw herself into the void and expect to come back unharmed. Whichever decision she took, there would be consequences.

Indecisive, she took one more glance at his lips, so full, so tempting… and so close. The final decision, however, was stripped from them as an insistent knocking on the door interrupted the moment.

—Damn it—Kylo cursed.

Rey sighed, feeling every bit as frustrated as him. But the moment had already passed and whatever had transpired was gone. She instantly regretted doubting so much. If only she was a bit braver, bolder, she would have taken what she had wanted for so long. Nevertheless, she was grateful for having an excuse to delay her choice further.

Kylo apologized for leaving so soon. After assessing the problem and deeming it as urgent, he dismissed the messenger and escorted Rey back to her room. She assumed their afternoon training would probably be cancelled, given the contingency.

Later that day Rey decided that she needed some time alone to figure things out. She took a really long shower, in an attempt to calm herself down and just think for a while. She scrubbed her nails vigorously, trying to get rid of Kylo's blood.

Once her mind was clear, she came back to her senses. She couldn't just give into that passion. It clouded her thoughts and threatened to consume her… yet she wanted to be burned. It wasn't the Jedi way, but she couldn't help it when he could set her on fire with a single touch. Where was her honor? Her loyalty? Her strength? The woman she was supposed to be would feel disgusted. In the eyes of the Resistance, she was the promised hero. Or at least the last they had left. She was supposed to fight for the Light, for goodness and overall, their freedom. And yet she had almost betrayed it all for an ill-advised kiss.

At least by now she had figured out the hard truth she had been avoiding. She had feelings for Kylo Ren. Or rather Ben Solo… she could no longer see the difference. She used to separate his two identities. It was easier that way. She could hate Kylo Ren and want to help Ben at the same time. There had never really been a difference. They were both parts of the same man. It had been a mind-trap she had created for herself, one in which she was falling for Ben Solo at night and confronting Kylo Ren in the morning. In spite of knowing that, unconsciously she still divided them. The idea of Ben, of the man he had been and who could still be turned, was the one she clung to. Hope was a dangerous thing.

The day had been an emotional rollercoaster. Rey had almost killed him and then almost kissed him. What was wrong with her??? She was a mess, it couldn't be normal to have such conflicted feelings towards someone. When had it happened? She had fallen so slowly she didn't even notice until now.

Their nighttime conversation still hurt her. Rey knew he was right about some things, but she had proved her point nonetheless. The chance to kill her nemesis presented itself today and she had spared his life. She wasn't a cold blooded assassin. She had some principles, hope and overall compassion. The later characteristic was both her strongest suit and her worst weakness. It had guided her decisions ever since she learned how valuable people really were. It encouraged her to go to the very limits of her own capacities in order to save them. Even if that included her sworn enemy. She couldn't even hate him.

Rey tried to figure out why she liked him. He had attempted to murder both her and her friends countless times, it couldn't be normal to still like someone that brutal. He isolated her hoping to mold her into his shadow self… and she had willingly joined him… she had wanted to do so the first time he offered her his hand. But he wasn't offering the one thing she wanted, no, his offer was a leadership position to rule the galaxy by his side. She had no intention to do such thing. All she had wanted was to turn him… that sounded way more selfless than it actually was. Underneath that purpose she just craved for his company. For someone who would understand her. Maybe that's why she had fallen so easily into this trap. Because he didn't seem like the cold-blooded monster that murdered people, whose only ambition in life was power. No, because at the end of the day he was just a broken man. Underneath that facade of ruthlessness and strength lied an abandoned child who had been manipulated during his early life, someone who had been conditioned into an assassin. A child feared by his own family, a teenager rejected by his mates, and an abused young man whose master had deceived him into joining the Dark side…

However, there was only so far an excuse could go. He was still accountable for most of his actions. The final decision had been his, and he repeatedly made the wrong choice. Whether for fear or anger, his impulses were extremely dangerous. Rey had to remember that. As much as she liked the person underneath the mask, he was still responsible for his actions. But now, with his master's coercion removed, he had to prove he was capable of taking control of his own life, and luckily choose wisely this time. Rey was still open to the possibility of helping him, but it couldn't depend on her. It could never depend on her. She would be there, but in order to help he had to be willing to change in the first place.

But as much as that possibility did flare her hopes up, she had to remain cautious. He wasn't any closer to the Light than he was to the Darkness. And she was willingly to follow him on whatever crazy plan he had to regain control over the galaxy and control the menace Palpatine represented. She was flirting with danger, for sure. What unnerved her the most was the occasional outburst she had due to her inner rage. It was so strong it clouded her judgement completely. The Light called for her, but so did the Dark side. The duality within her was so much alike his… as much as she tried to deny it. After all, like calls to like.