Alucard's Asinine Adventures in America

by Pootis McTootis

Alucard is forced to do an assignment he doesn't want to with people he doesn't like in a country he hates with a passion. But that proves to be the least of his concerns when he's forced to face the dark deeds of his past... A story more accurate to that of Vlad Tepes than it is to Alucard, and a chance to shed some light on an unsung hero. Rated M because... well, it's Hellsing.

31. Again with the Intermissions

Pootis McTootis watched intently as paint dried. The paint was really drying. It was very dry.

A screech brought his attention back around, and he noticed his cameraman screaming at him again. Pootis McTootis stared at him for several minutes, then went back to watching paint dry. He noticed that the paint was white as a ghost.

The cameraman screeched, and desperately tried to get the author's attention. He went to the kitchen, and grabbed a bag of cocaine. The cameraman used his unnaturally long arms to throw the bag at Pootis McTootis' head, the cocaine exploding everywhere from the force of the throw. The cameraman shrieked something in his language.

The drugs were inhaled into the author's nostrils, and he began to come back to reality. He turned around to see the cameraman again, and smiled.

"Hello, old friend", Pootis McTootis told him.

The cameraman screeched again, but this time, the translation module worked.

"It has been too long", the cameraman informed Pootis McTootis. "The viewers have all moved on."

"Well, I certainly hope not", Pootis McTootis told the cameraman, "my self-worth is based on other's opinions of me!"

The cameraman screeched again, the subtitles translating, "You must atone if you wish for their eyes."

"Alright, damn", Pootis McTootis said, holding up his hands defensively. "I'm atoning, I'm atoning."

Pootis McTootis looked into the camera, addressing the audience directly, "Hello, everybody. It's been a while. I can't get in to why, but just know that when things get bad, they can always get worse... and for me, they did. I can't really get into it all without revealing a bunch of personal information, but if you pray, pray for me."

Pootis McTootis started the fire in the fireplace, poking it with a stick.

"To atone for the sin of ignoring all of you, I will let you in on a few secrets. Secret number one: I have a bunch more content on the way. In fact, last night, I updated a chapter in every story I am currently working on. For those who don't know, that is Alucard's Asinine Adventures in America, this fic, Miscalculated, a dimension-hopping TF2 fic heavily inspired by a terrific fic I read some time ago, and HitSpy: Absolution, another TF2 fic, and my first crack at a creative writing project over ten years ago... which is why it sucks."

"Secret number two: within the next few days, I will be uploading another story as atonement from my sin. It will be called Strife of the Zone, and is a S.T.A.L.K.E.R. fic, a short story about one man's journey to save his friend."

"Secret number three: I'm finally writing a real book. I won't reveal the name, as it's not even done yet, but it's about cops from another world dealing with their most horrifying assignment yet."

"To those of you still reading; thank you for your time. If you have any comments, questions, or just want to call me gay, please leave a review or PM me. It means the world to me."

"And in fact, to address a few comments that I have gotten as of late:

"One commenter, by the name of ss, mentioned that chapter 23: The Devil his Due, gave said user severe whiplash, which I'm glad for, because that was my intention. Often the worst things to happen to us happen suddenly. User ss also wants Alley to not be dead. To that I say L + Ratio."

"Another commenter by the name of Pup says that they loved the roast battle in Yet Another Intermission, and I feel like a fraud, because the whole thing was lifted from Xavier Renegade Angel, which is a terrific show if you have ADHD. Also no, Alucard's mission in America is not over. Intermissions typically tend to be cut content that I like enough to add back into the story. That particular story was going to be towards the beginning, and was going to introduce a little bit of Alucard's dark-ass humor."

"I won't get into it, but it seems like the commentors tend to love reading my story. Your love for my writing inspired me to try it for real. Thank you all so much!"

The cameraman screeched again, but this time there was no translation to be had.

"Unfortunately", Pootis McTootis said to the audience, "things in my life are progressively getting worse, and you shouldn't expect updates anytime soon. There is hope that it will soon get better, but if you don't hear from me for a year, just pretend I'm dead and move on with your lives. I wish there was better news to give."

The cameraman screeched again, sounding for all the world like a mournful cry. Pootis McTootis returned to the drying paint, and studied it intently. Everywhere at the End of Time began playing softly in the background as the camera panned out.