Chapter Four

"So, Stephanie, why don't you tell me what you'd like to achieve in our time together?" Bethany asked me.

I smiled wanly at her. "I've felt crappy for a long time, and I don't really know how to make it better."

"Why don't you tell me about some of the things bothering you?"

"Oh, where to start…let's see. Well, I've been kidnapped several times and stalked more often than that. My cars rarely last more than a couple of months before they're destroyed somehow, usually via firebombs. I can barely support myself with my job, I recently broke up for good with my on/off boyfriend, I've been in love with another man since the moment I met him, I think, but I can't tell him. I don't think my mother likes me very much, and I usually prefer to spend most of my time in Denial Land, where I don't have to make any hard decisions or think about anything unpleasant," I said in one long breathless rush.

Bethany stared at me for a moment. "That is a lot to take in," she said slowly. "I think I can understand why you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed."

I chuckled wryly. "Just a little."

"Tell me about the kidnappings, stalkings and car explosions," she requested.

"I'm a bond apprehension agent, and I bring people who skip their court date back into the system," I explained. "Some of those people don't want to go back, and they let me know. And I seem to be a magnet for danger."

"Have you thought about getting into a different line of work that isn't so stressful?" Bethany asked.

"I like my job a lot of the time. The really dangerous stuff is only about 5% of the time, and mostly I do okay. But a few months ago, I actually did start training to be safer and more effective when I'm doing my job."

"You weren't trained before?"

I grimaced. "Not really. I've mostly relied on luck and sheer will. But my friend Ranger always has to bail me out, and I feel like a burden."

She asked me curiously, "does your friend Ranger make you feel like a burden, or are you putting that on yourself?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Ranger has told me 'no price' when it comes to helping me. But I don't know what he means by that. He's given me cars whenever I've needed one, and he's saved my life more than once. He never yells at me. He's my best friend, even though I don't feel like I know him that well."

"Why did you and your boyfriend break up?"

"We were never really compatible," I confessed. "We were mostly just comfortable because we knew each other since we were kids. He got a job offer in Washington and asked me to come with him, get married and have kids. But instead, I turned him down and he's moving there on his own."

"Why did you turn him down?" Bethany probed.

I blew out a sigh. "I've been married before. It was short and painful, and ended when I found him having sex with my childhood rival on our brand-new dining room table. Since then, I've been marriage-phobic, and I've always been on the fence about having kids. But Joe, my ex, hated my job and has always wanted a traditional home life with a wife who wants to stay at home and take of him and his kids. That has never been something I've wanted, and it finally came to a head."

"It sounds like ending your relationship might have been a good thing, then?"

"It was, even though it was hard. And I'll miss him, but weirdly, I think I'll miss his friendship more than our romantic relationship," I mused.

"Tell me about the man you're in love with. Is that your friend Ranger?"

"How did you know that?" I asked in amazement.

Bethany just smiled enigmatically and waited for me to answer her.

"Well, I've told you about his helping me in my job and when I get into trouble. But what I haven't told you is what makes our relationship so complicated. He's told me before that his life doesn't leave any room for relationships, he has an emotional attachment to me, he's not the marrying kind, he's thought about marrying me or at least sharing a closet, he loves me in his own way, and we've had sex a few times, but afterwards he left and told me to repair my relationship with Joe."

Bethany observed, "sounds like a lot of mixed messages. Does he know you're in love with him?"

"I've never told him that. I don't even acknowledge it to myself, most of the time."

She nodded. "Why do you think your mother doesn't like you very much?"

I shrugged. "Just a feeling. She nags me non-stop. She compares me to her friends' and neighbours' daughters, she is constantly pressuring me to settle down, get married and pumping out grandkids for her, pushing me to quit my job and work at places like the personal products plant or button factory. She never has anything nice to say about me. She never shows me she feels anything but embarrassed by me and my life and is constantly moaning about everyone gossiping about me."

"Have you ever told her how she makes you feel?"

"No. I'm not very good at confrontation, except when I get angry and blow up. Mostly I try to ignore and avoid it," I said.

"That's your Denial Land?" Bethany asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, Stephanie, you do have a lot going on in your life. I think therapy would be helpful for you to sort through your feelings and equip you with the skills you need to develop healthier relationships with your friends and family and take more control of your life," Bethany said.

I inhaled deeply. "I read a bit about the type of therapy you do – cognitive behaviour – and I like the idea of being able to retrain my thinking and reactions. I have a hard time talking about how I feel."

"In your case, I think a number of therapies would be helpful."

"Not drugs. I don't want to take any drugs," I said firmly.

"No, I wasn't suggesting medication. I think CBT, combined with meditation, writing in a journal and applying practical methods to identify and overcome obstacles. It's a lot of hard work, but it can be very rewarding."

Okay, I'd like to try that," I agreed.

"How about we meet once a week for now and adjust that if it becomes necessary later on," she suggested. "I'd also suggest an exercise plan and building a routine, which can be very helpful for your mental health."

I made an appointment with Bethany for next Friday and promised that I'd continue working out. I also agreed to start keeping track of moods, triggers and behaviours that made me feel anxious or upset.

Feeling a bit lighter now that I had a plan, I drove to the Y and ran on the treadmill, swam in their pool and took a Krav Maga class they offered. Once I finished my class, I drove home for a shower and some lunch. After I ate my lunch, I drove over to a stationary store and bought a pretty journal and a fancy gel pen. I checked in with Connie, but there weren't any new files for me. If it continues to be this slow at work, I'm going to be in serious financial trouble.

I drove to the RangeMan building on Haywood to meet Ram in time for my range lesson, and I practiced on two different guns. I didn't like the feeling of either gun, but Ram wanted me to learn how to use all different ones in case I was forced to use someone else's gun in order to protect myself. My aim was getting better the more I practiced, and nearly every shot was not only on the paper, but I was getting more accurate with head shots, chest shots and to my amusement, groin shots. Ram winced every time I hit the groin.

Lester came down after about an hour and offered to start my takedown technique lessons. We headed to the gym and I took off my hoodie. He demonstrated different ways based on the way the skip moved, and nodded his approvement when I achieved a straight-arm takedown technique after only a couple of tries. We went up to the fifth floor afterwards and ate a couple of Ella's delicious sandwiches.

The next week went on in much the same way. I did a lot of swimming, preferring how that felt over the treadmill. I didn't totally ignore the treadmill since I knew running was important when chasing skips, but swimming was so much nicer. I learned more Krav Maga and the guys at RangeMan were so helpful and encouraging when they were training me. I spent all day Sunday researching FTAs, clients and prospective employees for Tank, and he was ecstatic when some of my research led to his landing a high-profile client.

I started writing in my journal and cataloguing all my feelings and every time I got frustrated or upset with anything. My mother featured more heavily than I thought she would.

On Thursday afternoon, I was at RangeMan researching one of my skip and Tank came around the corner to stand in front of my cubicle. I didn't notice him at first, but jumped when I finally spied him out of the corner of my eye. For such a big man, he was sure silent when he wanted to be!

"Bomber, I have some good news," he said with a soft smile.

I gazed at him inquiringly. "What's up, big man?"

"Ranger is getting debriefed right now in D.C. and should be home by Monday."

I jumped up and threw my arms around him. "Thank you for telling me! I am so glad he's okay." I suddenly worried. Tank hadn't told me he was fine. "He is okay, isn't he?"

"Yeah, Bomber, he's fine. No injuries reported."

I picked up my file and the printouts that were just finishing coming out of the printer and loaded it all into my messenger bag. "I'm gonna get going home now, but I'll be back next week. I'm taking the weekend off from working."

I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face as I thought about Ranger coming home.