SHADOW OF DEATH
Chapter 28: Truth
Jane entered the lab and took off her raincoat. She wiped the trickles of rain water off her brow and smoothed the damp hair of her ponytail. Then she spun in a circle, arms outstretched, silly grin on her face. She tripped on a pile of mechanical detritus that lay on the floor near Shuri and caught herself on Shuri's arm before she stumbled into the lab table in front of her. She kicked at a metal tube with her foot and it spun across the room in a clamor. Jane met Shuri's eyes and managed to resurrect her smile again, though more sheepish this time.
"Happy to be back in the lab?" Shuri asked. She bent to pick up the failed circuit board before anyone else could trip over it or kick it and tossed it onto an empty counter.
"Ecstatic," Jane replied and her blue eyes glistened with her exuberant delight. She placed a heavy knapsack onto a multi-colored counter with a loud thump and turned to take in the room again. "If Dr. Okapi threatened to keep me in that hospital room one more day, I might have spontaneously combusted."
"I would not be surprised if you actually could," Shuri replied with one eye brow raised. "Do you want to see the progress I've made?"
"Of course!" Jane said. She pulled out her notebooks from her knapsack and drug a metal stool loudly over the tile floor to sit beside the princess. Her pale yellow blouse warred with the vibrant reds, blues, yellows, and oranges of the colorful decorative panels behind the counter, as if she were the lone female weaver bird flanked by scarlet macaws. She opened her long-neglected work on the Bifrost and pulled a pen out from behind her ear to begin.
ooooooo
Hours passed before they were interrupted by the stealthy entrance of an Asgardian prince. While Shuri gave a light jump, Jane's only response was to tilt her head in his direction and smirk.
"You are gonna have to try harder than that," Jane said, without looking up from her work. "I can hear you approach from a floor away now."
"A worthy challenge, Lady Jane. Would you care to place a wager on it?" he replied as he pulled up a third stool to the gleaming steel counter.
"Absolutely not. Shuri, don't you dare," Jane hissed over her shoulder. Shuri covered her dimples with her free hand but did not hide her wink.
"What have the most brilliant minds of Midgard discovered today?" Loki asked. His tone was one of genuine warmth and teasing. He glanced over their computer screens and piles of scrawled notes and he pulled one print out to read more thoroughly.
"Do not ask that," Shuri said as her smile sank into a scowl. "Or you will put Jane back into a temper. She nearly broke my counter an hour ago."
"My, my. Turning violent, are we?" Loki asked, bemused. Jane flushed and dropped her eyes to where Loki now noticed a dent in the metal face of the counter.
"I didn't mean to. I'm still not used to all this…," Jane said, trailing off and using her hands to motion to her body with a sigh.
"Please explain- what did the counter do to raise such ire?" Loki asked. Jane flushed and refused to answer so Shuri volunteered for her.
"It was the unfortunate bystander when Jane realized her previous calculations on the Bifrost will not work," Shuri said. "Her superpowered brain informed her that she needs to start over again and her superpowered fist then responded by nearly putting a hole through solid steel."
Jane gave a huff and crossed her arms over her chest. "I've spent months on this and it's all wrong. I don't know how to fix it. I can just tell it isn't right and I have to start over again. I think I may have preferred ignorance…. Ugh! No. That's not true. I can't even pretend to myself without my insides feeling itchy. I don't actually prefer ignorance. That's not how I'm wired… I'm just really frustrated."
"I have told her again and again that it is better to not waste her efforts on something she knows will not work but she is too, too stubborn," Shuri said. Jane flinched away when Shuri tried to place a hand on her shoulder.
"I broke my bathroom door this morning and tore through two pairs of jeans when I tried to get dressed," Jane said. She hunched her shoulders with her confession and grew somber. "I had to wake up three times in the night to go find more food and still I ate two breakfasts this morning. Now, I can feel the presence of every person in this lab as if with my very bones. Then when I try to talk to people, it's like I can feel inside them. I can feel their perceptions of the world and how it matches up with reality. It paints everything around me in such complicated, multivalent colors and layers."
Jane bit her bottom lip and sighed before slumping in her chair. "It's just- I don't know what to do with all that," she said, waving her hand to demonstrate. "I had hoped that being in the lab would help me feel a little more, you know, normal. A little more like myself. But even here, it's all different. I can't just go back to how things were."
Jane leaned against the counter then, her hands supporting her weight. She stared past her audience to the door behind them, lost in her own thoughts, carrying a burden previously unknown by her small shoulders.
"What kind of life will I have now?" she continued, her voice dropping into nearly a whisper. "I had a pretty set path before and it may have been unconventional and pretty mundane, but it was mine and I liked it. Do research, possibly get a teaching position at a university, or simply get enough grants to keep me doing research forever. It may not sound exciting, but I loved it. Now the doctors don't know if I will even age and I can lift a rhinoceros by myself. I feel like my whole life and sense of identity has been thrown into a blender and I don't know what to do with it."
"I would pay you to lift a rhinoceros for a second time just to see the expression on W'Kabi's face again," Shuri said with a grin. She tilted her head to the side and caused her rows of short sienna and ochre twists to dance around her face as she did.
"Not helping, Shuri," Jane said, fighting against the twist of a smile at the corner of her mouth.
Shuri shrugged and tapped her fingers on the metal counter. Her expression flickered through a variety of restrained emotions and Jane motioned for her to speak.
"It is nothing," Shuri tried to say.
"Say it, Shuri. Don't hold back," Jane insisted.
Shuri shook her head slightly. "Kati, it is just… do you think you are the only cheetah to have spots? Jane, how many people in New York or Paris or Beijing are feeling like their lives and identities have been turned upside down?"
"Great. Thanks, Shuri. Way to make me feel like a jerk," Jane replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
"You told me to speak, daktari! Now, close your mouth so I may speak," Shuri said. "You are still alive! You have received a gift. Ni kweli, the gift may have a cost, but it is still a gift. I know, I know, you must walk this path and bury the old Jane in barkcloth before you can move on as the new Jane. And maybe I am too, too selfish, but I am too happy that you are still alive to worry about all the rest."
Jane closed her eyes with a visible effort and pursed her lips.
"Lady Jane," Loki began, as he walked closer to where she stood. "All my life I believed myself of Asgard, of the House of Odin, blood kin to the royal family. Then one day I discovered it all a lie. I was born not to the golden spires of the Realm Eternal but on the barren ice of Jotunheim…," and Loki paused a moment too long because Jane's eyes flew open with a cobalt glow and she interrupted him before he could continue on.
"No. You weren't," she replied.
"Pardon?"
"I don't even know what Jotunheim is, but I do know you were not born there."
Loki spluttered and he pulled himself taller in a flash of irritation. "How dare you question me? What do you know of it?"
"I dunno, Loki. Really. It's one of those things that's different now. I can tell that you believe that statement to be true, but I can also tell that it doesn't actually correspond with reality," Jane said with a tone of resignation. She dropped her eyes to stare at the dented metal of the counter and absently ran her fingers over the twisted shape.
"Then, Lady Jane, if you claim to be privy to such information, where, pray tell, was I born?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" she said. She met his eyes this time and stood tall in her own overflow of pent-up frustration. "I'm not omniscient. I can't read minds or tell futures or something. It's not like I'm a Magic 8 ball."
"A magic what?"
"A Magic 8 ball- oh, yeah. Ok, it's a children's toy. It has a bunch of answers inside of it that it randomly pulls up when you turn it over. So, you ask it a question and then look at it to tell you the answer."
"A tool for divination?" he responded, his anger now replaced with pensive thoughtfulness.
"I guess? I don't know. I'm a scientist. I don't believe in divination or all that superstitious stuff."
Shuri failed to restrain her chuckle. She motioned towards Loki. "So, the scientist says to the Norse God of Chaos who happens to be adept with magic."
Jane rolled her eyes which only encouraged Shuri's mirth. Loki ignored them both and pulled a stool up beside Jane, his hands crossed on his legs and his green cape pooling down his back behind him.
"I wonder if the methodology is sound, even if the channel is questionable?" he asked, more to himself than to either of his companions. He addressed Jane again with a half-smile. "Jane, do I eat rabbit?"
"I don't know. Do you? I don't think I've ever eaten a rabbit. It seems kinda wrong since, you know, they are all cute and fluffy and all."
"They are delicious," Shuri chimed in.
Loki threw up his arms in exasperation. "You are missing my point. Jane, I hate wearing green."
"You sure wear it a lot for not liking it."
"You are supposed to tell me if that statement is true or false," he replied.
"Oh, I see. Magic 8 ball. Fine," she said and stared at him for a moment. "That statement is both true and false simultaneously."
He gave a self-satisfied smirk. "That was intended to be an easy 'false'. Your gift is faulty."
"Is it?"
"Of course. I was raised a Prince of Asgard. My color represents my station, my house, my status. It's a symbol of who I am and the roles I play."
"And you both hate and love who you are and the roles you have to play," she observed. "Therefore, you both love and hate wearing green."
He sat dumbfounded before he abruptly rose from the stool and turned to leave. "I do not wish to discuss anything further today," he called over his shoulder, failing to turn his head to meet their eyes.
"I would still like to know if he eats rabbit," Shuri said, after he had left them.
Jane groaned and hung her head on her hands.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooo
It took five days before Loki ventured back into the lab, or anywhere near Jane Foster, again. He told himself it was due to his long-neglected duties to the other Midgardian polities, which was at least mostly true. With the disruption of the mind spell that accompanied the destruction of the scepter, he no longer could be assured of the single-minded loyalty of his minions. It would take time to truly assess the extent of the damage. His five days of travel gave a slight litmus test of where he would need to spend more time in future.
As suspected, Alexander Pierce, once free of the mind spell, poured out his secrets like wine from a broken cask and it would take an extended time to clean up the damage. Twenty operatives mysteriously vanished from Moldova, Bolivia, and Nepal. Another fifty or so he would need to replace as soon as possible. He set the groundwork in place for obtaining new people and checked in with those he found still to be loyal.
The Kree transponder brought more results this time. His contact reached, the request made, now he would have to wait. He hoped his contact proved both trustworthy and well-connected (despite the niggling sense that his contact might only prove to be one - or the other).
Loki returned to Birnin Zana with a flurry of plots swirling through his brain, distracting him from the light footfalls of the Flerkin that kept pace behind him as he walked. He rubbed his temples with his hands, his mind somewhere in between Alfheim and São Paulo, when realized he had another scheme to check on.
He made his way straight to the office of Dr. Okapi to inquire as to the progress of his pet soldier. The middle-aged doctor sat in front of a screen, speaking rapidly in French to someone projected on the other side. Dr. Okapi silently motioned for him to take a chair. He continued to speak at some length on the latest experimental treatments of cerebral malaria before scheduling another meeting for the same time the following month.
As the projection vanished, Dr. Okapi turned to Loki, his peppered beard resting against his hands.
"Prince Loki," he said and nodded slightly.
"Dr. Okapi," Loki replied with a half-smile. "How is he?"
"Nearly conscious, but not quite coherent," Dr. Okapi replied. "Come."
Loki followed the doctor into the lab that housed the Winter Soldier. Now released from the cryogenic freeze, he lay with his eyes closed on a slightly elevated bed strung between a series of wires and tubes protruded from all parts of him. A steady rise and fall of his chest, assisted by a tube through his throat, proved the only movement. The dark hair on his chin and his head fell longer over his shoulders now than the last he had seen and his color was slightly improved.
"As you can see, we have reprogrammed nearly all of his neural pathways. Maybe another week or so, we will be complete. Already he has woken up and we have been forced to sedate him so he cannot remove the IVs again," Dr. Okapi said.
"I wish to be present when he wakes," Loki said in a tone he hoped would dispel any arguments. The doctor only nodded.
ooooooooooooooooo
When Loki sought Jane out next, he was not surprised to find her in the library. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit his disappointment in her lack of response to his stealthy arrival. He discovered he could no longer cause her to shriek in surprise or send tools clattering to the floor with a startled gasp when he materialized from the shadows. Instead, her cool blue eyes met him, and he could tell she had noticed his approach long before he came through the door.
"Loki," she said in way of greeting. She sat on the window seat with a pile of books taller than where she sat, all delicately balanced against a table. She was furiously thumbing through one and barely paused flipping through pages when he sat down at a rather uncomfortable wooden chair nearby. "You are back."
"As you see."
She nodded and he could tell her desire to pepper him with questions warred with her sense of propriety. He did not give her the chance to let her curiosity win out and instead brought up the reason he had sought her out.
"Would you permit me to test your newfound gifts?" he said.
"I thought I scared you off my with newfound gifts," she said, with a tone of resignation.
"They are… simply unexpected."
She snorted and placed her book down on her lap. "That's one way to describe them."
"If it would not tax you overmuch, may I ask you some questions?"
"Go ahead. How do you want to do this?"
"I will make a statement and you will determine if what I say aligns with truth."
She nodded her assent. "Back to the Magic 8 ball. Fine."
"I ate passion fruit for breakfast," Loki began.
She nodded. "That's true."
"I ate eggs for breakfast."
She shook her head. "No, you didn't."
"Very good. Tomorrow I will eat eggs for breakfast." He watched her face intently as she failed to respond at first.
"I told you. I am not a fortune-teller," she answered. "How am I supposed to tell you what will happen tomorrow?"
"Interesting. Fine. I traveled to Brazil five days previous."
She slowly nodded.
"I wish to travel to New York today," he said.
She shrugged.
"What are you communicating with that motion?" he asked.
"Just what it looked like. You are ambivalent to the idea of travelling to New York today. Loki - do all these questions have a point?"
"Humor me. I was born on Alfheim," he said.
"No, you were not."
"Fine. I was born on Asgard," he said with a smirk.
"No."
"I was born on Muspelheim," he said.
"Wrong again. Are you going to go through every planet you know of till I get it right?"
"Of course not," he said. "You would not live long enough for that."
"Hah, hah. Very funny."
"Fine. My biological father was Laufey, King of Jotunheim," he said through a forced impassivity and slightly clenched teeth.
She nodded slowly. "That is true."
"My biological mother was Farbauti, Queen of Jotunheim," he said in earnest now, leaning forward slightly as if the motion would more easily draw the answers from Jane.
"No, Loki," she said and shook her head warily.
"My mother was of Jotunheim," he pressed.
Jane shook her head again. His posture immediately went rigid and he inhaled sharply.
"You are absurd. You must be misinterpreting something. Of course, if I was sired by Laufey, I was born on Jotunheim to a woman of that realm."
"Hey! Don't get upset with me!" she shot back. "If you are going to get mad at me when my answers don't correspond with your perception of reality, then I think you should stop asking questions."
Loki's mask flickered. He reached toward her and took her hand in his, even as she moved farther away from him and glanced towards the door. "Stay, please," he begged. "This is vitally important."
"Loki…," Jane began, but she trailed off when his formerly eloquent face grew hard.
"I was born on Svartalfheim," he resumed. He released her hand and sat back in his seat again.
She sighed and shook her head.
"I was born on Midgard," he said with a dismissive eye roll.
Jane stared at him for a moment, longer than she had in answering any other question. "Loki, you were born on Midgard. How is that possible?"
His teasing expression fell and he grew an incredulous look on his face.
"You jest, milady. It is impossible."
"Why is it impossible? Didn't you say that the Frost Giants came to Earth and tried to conquer it for a bit? When was that?"
"Yes. The Great Ice War. Asgard came to Midgard's defense to save your pitiful realm from annihilation," he said. "That was about 965 of the Common Era in your reckoning."
"Loki, when were you born?"
"No, Jane, it isn't possible."
"Fine. If it's not possible, then quit asking me questions you don't want to know the answers to," she said, her blue eyes flashing in irritation. She pulled her hand away and buried it between the pages of her book. Loki took the book from her and dropped it unceremoniously on the floor. He ignored her glare and leaned forward against the wall by her seat.
"Odin sired a daughter," he said.
She nodded. At his sharp intake of breath, Jane leaned back, as if he was a viper on the brink of attacking.
"And the daughter still lives," he said.
"Yes."
"Can you tell me anything else about her?"
"Loki, my screwed up brain doesn't work like that. I can't pluck facts from thin air. I can only feel my way through what you already think and know and say and tell you if its right or not."
"That is hardly helpful. Shall we continue on like this all day then? Shall I continue to throw wild guesses at you in hopes of uncovering useful information?"
"Please don't. You are grouchy enough as it is."
"I believe, Lady Jane, that I will follow your example now and pursue knowledge in this hallowed hall of learning. If you will excuse me," he said and he stood with a determined flourish.
"The Wakanda history section is by that window over there," Jane called over his shoulder.
"And you assume that is where I am headed?"
"I assume nothing, your cantankerousness. Let's call it a 'wild guess'."
"If you continue in this manner, I may need to put your increased strength to the test."
"You don't mean that. I can tell."
"Enough, woman."
"Hey, you came looking for me."
"A decision I am now coming to regret."
"Also, not true."
Loki closed his eyes and bit back his response. Then, he opened his eyes to glean through the hundreds upon hundreds of book titles before him. He ran his fingers over the spines until he came to a section he thought could be useful and then he began to read.
ooooo
Loki held the large scroll under one arm as he knocked on the door of the scholar. Goose followed closely after him and insisted on rubbing up against Loki's trousers whenever he ceased moving. He knew it was late, but he could not contain his curiosity. Njeri's servant opened the door and led him into the sitting room. She brought tea and bananas for him and told him Njeri would join him shortly.
The pepper-haired scholar came into the room a few moments later with a stifled yawn. A loose dress was pulled over her night clothes and most of her hair was still covered in a floral wrap. She gave him a warm greeting and bid him welcome. Goose, feeling itself quite at home, settled itself on Njeri's lap and went to sleep before they finished their greetings.
"I apologize for the late hour of my visit," Loki said.
"I am beginning to believe you never sleep," she replied. "What is it you seek me for this time? Another discussion on Midgardian economics or the political organization of Europe or the history of the evolution of gunpowder?"
Loki shook his head. "Not this time. You provided a rich bounty of information to my previous questions, for which I am quite grateful. Tonight, I have more questions about Asgard than Midgard."
"A topic you are much more highly qualified to provide instruction on than myself," she replied with a smile.
"So I would have thought," Loki said. He produced the ancient cowhide scroll from beneath his arm and unfurled it to reveal a colorful manuscript written in old Kishenga. He began to read it aloud:
"It was in the days of the reign of X'Tuku, Black Panther and King of Shenga that Gulu, Lord of the Sky, first came to Ntusi. He rode upon a rainbow chariot and his hair was woven from the snows of Mount Bashenga. In his hand, he carried a staff as gold as the sun and his eyes were made of the sky above and his feet shook the earth beneath him as he walked. He asked many questions of X'Tuku and tested the might and vigor of the greatest warriors of the Bashenga. In exchange for a small portion of vibranium, he showered gifts of iron, weapons, and fine cloth upon the king.
"For many seasons, the Lord of the Sky did not return to the lands of Shenga. When he did return, Opaka, great-grandson of X'Tuku, wore the claws of the Black Panther and served as head of the great council of elders at Ntusi. He did not come alone but in his company, he brought his daughter, Walumbe, Bringer of Death. Walumbe's sorcery was so fierce, she leveled an army with one hand and stole the soul of the strongest of warriors with a single glance. She wore plague as a garment and war followed in her shadow. The cries of the Shenga were great indeed until the footsteps of these deities tread upon other lands and left the Shenga in peace again."
The simple paintings etched on the hide's surface revealed a white-haired man surrounded by a rainbow and a black-haired woman surrounded by bones and skulls.
"I have never heard of such a woman," Loki said at last. "But Lady Jane says she existed - that she still exists."
Loki rose from his chair and began to pace the small space between the front door and the sliding door leading to the garden. He clamped his hands behind his back and kept his eyes fixed upon the tiles beneath where his next footstep would fall.
"I do not understand how Odin could have another child and never speak of her to Thor or myself. I suppose I should not be surprised at his adeptness for keeping secrets or rewriting history, but I do not know what to make of this. I could not find any other manuscripts in the library regarding Walumbe. I found a few accounts of later visits of who they call Gulu and Kiwanuka, but no more references of the daughter. Have you come across any other tales of this Walumbe during your studies?"
Njeri shook her head. "Only that one account that you have found. However, I have read more into the reigns of the kings involved in those accounts. Best estimates are that those kings reigned sometime between 2,000 and 2,500 years ago."
"Over a thousand years before Thor and I were born," Loki remarked.
Njeri sputtered on her tea and then coughed into her hand. "You are quite young still, Mgeni," she said with both eyebrows raised. Loki gave her an exaggerated bow in response.
"Young enough to still live in ignorance of the most basic facts of my biology and family lineage," Loki responded darkly. "Yet old enough to know it was all a lie."
Njeri left him to his bitter reverie for some time while she stroked Goose's soft head. She waited for him to speak again. He did so, but only after great consideration of his next words.
"Lady Jane believes I was born on Midgard during the Ice War. My father was the king of the Frost Giants, the sworn enemy of Asgard, and those who sought to conquer Midgard. I only discovered this truth recently and I… did not take it well. In truth, I would have preferred to remain ignorant of all the most basic facts of my identity and continue to believe myself Aesir, biological son of Odin and Frigga. It was a more comfortable lie than the truth I have had thrust upon me. My history has been rewritten in so many ways in recent years, I find myself unable to keep up with the rate of change."
Njeri was silent for some time before she sppoke again."Prince Loki, have I shown you a picture of my brothers and sisters?" Njeri asked, one eyebrow raised over her caramel brow. Then she pointed towards her hall of photographs.
"Yes, once," he responded. "Our second discussion, I believe."
"Which do I most resemble?"
He paused from his pacing long enough glance over her photographs again. Some were in black and white, some in color. Some displayed children and others, pepper-haired elders like herself. He shook his head slowly and rose one eyebrow in question.
"It was a rhetorical question. Allow me to answer it," Njeri answered with a wry grin. "None. I resemble none of my siblings. My father took one wife and they produced ten children who all bear a striking resemblance to each other. All are a deep chocolate brown with thick hair and brown eyes and they all share my father's nose and my mother's high cheek bones. Then there is the lastborn- me. I am as light as well-fried mandazi with eyes as golden as a lion. Before it turned grey, my hair was light brown and grew in long, wide curls. I never saw another in my family with hair that grew like mine – not even among my cousins or their children and grandchildren."
"You do not share the same bloodline as you siblings?" Loki guessed.
"More than that. Are you familiar with the history of Kenya?"
"No."
"Let me tell you a story then. There was once a people from northern Europe, from a place they called Great Britain then, who decided they wanted to rule the world, or as much of it as they could. They saw that Kenya was beautiful and good and so they came and displaced my people, the Kikuyu, so they could settle their own people to farm our land. They took our land and livelihoods and left many of us impoverished and landless and unable to feed our families.
"When my people cried out and rebelled, our colonizers imprisoned tens of thousands of us. During our imprisonment, they did terrible things to us. Their wrath first fell on the Kikuyu freedom fighters who fought in the shelter of the forests. However, the British knew it was the Kikuyu women in the villages who brought the homemade firearms, food, and other supplies to their husbands and fathers and brothers. Thus, both men and women were punished, imprisoned, and tortured. Their blood and sacrifices bought our whole country our freedom, but we paid for it in blood and grief and the deaths of tens of thousands.
"Our men knew their wives had suffered during their imprisonment, just as they had. It was many a man who came home after the Mau Mau rebellion ended and found their wives with a baby unmistakably sired by a Briton. Most asked no questions and raised them as their own. No one left that time unscarred and if families were to heal, it was better not to press too deeply into those tender wounds.
"I was born during the middle of 'the Emergency,' as it came to be called, and it was not until I was much older that I started asking questions. My mother and my father would never speak of it. My uncle, when drunk, insinuated that the British soldiers took my father's 'manhood' and left me as mockery of his impotence. My grandmother only said that my mother spent time in the camps and 'it was too, too bad' but would tell me nothing else. I have done enough research to be able to put the pieces together to know it is better not to ask for the details.
"My father loved me and treated me the same as his other children. I never doubted that. Still, when I figured it out, I struggled. I was angry. I wished they would speak to me of what happened and tell me the truth. But it is not our culture to talk about such things. It would be shameful to speak so openly of the wounds of the past and so I read between the lines instead.
"Eventually I realized I needed to forgive whoever my sire was and forgive his people for the shame and pain they brought on my family and my people. They did terrible things, but my people are just as capable of inflicting terrible things on others. Until I recognize that the capacity to do the worst things in the world is within me as much as within those who have hurt me, I cannot be freed of it. I need to see the worst in myself and the best in my enemy or else I will become my worst enemy to someone else. I will wound others in the same ways I have been wounded.
"When I let go of my anger and hatred, it was my own burden and poison that I released. And my own freedom I gained. My father may not be my biological father, but he was my social father and he raised me as his own and that is more important by far. He is not perfect, but he is mine, and I am glad I had him. When he died, I mourned his passing."
"But they lied to you," Loki interjected. "They made you think you were something that you weren't." He sat again and leaned forward in his chair during her tale to listen in more intently. Now he met her eyes with a fervent gaze of both curiosity and echoes of his own internal struggles.
"Yes. It helped that my family thought I was the most beautiful- I was exotic and sought out because of my appearance and not despised for it- but I do not begrudge them their lie. It is not our culture to discuss such things openly. However, I still struggled because I was conceived as a 'punishment' to my mother for supporting my father as he hid in the forests and fought for our freedom. Everything about me that set me apart, that made my community find me beautiful, came from a man who violated my mother and conquered my people. Just as Kenya could only be considered 'good' if bent into the image of the European, so my blood could only be beautiful if marred by European blood. Could I not be Kikuyu and Kenyan and still good? That is a question that plagued me for years.
"When I traveled to London for studies, it was not my biological father that defined me but my biological mother. I was African and no amount of European heritage could change that, could wipe the darkness away, could make me light enough to be worthy of the land of my biological father. No amount of education could remove the stain of 'savagery' from my blood. I would forever be branded as 'primitive and uncivilized' because of my place of birth, the place I love, the people who called me their own without any question of my origins.
"I am proud to be Kikuyu and Kenyan, but I have had to come to peace with both halves of my identity. I am just as British as I am Kenyan and, for many years, I struggled to accept both bloodlines as both felt soaked in shame."
"In Asgard, the poets sometime speak of 'the delicate dance between creatures and land, blood and earth, seasons and traditions' that forge the way of life on each realm. Where does blood stop and custom begin? It is nigh impossible to extricate the two for they are so deeply interwoven together into the tapestry of Yggdrasil," Loki responded. He lost himself in his thoughts for some time before addressing Njeri again. "How different would your perception of your mother's line have been if you had been raised in the land of your sire?"
She shook her head sadly. "It would not have been good. We have a saying that 'history is written by the victor' and conquest is often justified through tales of the inferiority of those conquered."
"There is truth in that," Loki said. "I only know what Asgard remembers of Jotunheim and much of that is negative."
"After a time of conflict between peoples, that is not unusual… even if it is not particularly helpful for bringing reconciliation and healing."
"Aye… I always assumed my mother was Laufey's queen. Jane believes my mother was not of Jotunheim at all. I did not ask her the land of my mother."
"Why not?" Njeri asked.
"Because I did not wish to know the answer," Loki replied. "I prove my own cowardice in how I shy away from the truth of myself."
"But she believes you were born on Earth?" Njeri prodded slowly. She watched his reaction as disgust warred with dismay and fear. He quickly replaced all his emotions with a mask of impassivity mixed with arrogance.
"Then I will be the only being in the Nine Realms with a claim to not just one but three thrones on three realms. And I have successfully bestowed punishment onto each realm that has a claim upon me," he replied with a smirk.
Njeri shook her head and gave him an exasperated smile. She reached out to take his hand in hers. "Do not fear the truth," she exhorted passionately. "It may be painful, but if you do not fight it or ignore it, it can be the thread to sew the fractured parts of you together into a coherent whole again."
He nodded and she released his hand. Before long, he left Njeri to her rest. His own rest was hard to find as his eyes remained fixed on the ancient scroll, his mind whirling with the implications of an elder daughter in the house of Odin and entire catacombs of secrets he had yet to uncover under the palace in Asgard.